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Parenthood

Articles

How Do I Know If My Teenager is in Trouble?

by Mark Gregston
written by Mark Gregston

Worried about your son or daughter but not sure how to know how bad it really is? Answer the questions below and add up the score to see the results.

1. Your teen refuses to abide by anything you say or request, and his or her resulting behaviors put your him/her or your family in high danger or risk, leading to constant fear or stress in the home.

2. Your teen is displaying behavior that is a marked change from what has been normal (sleeping little or too long, forgetfulness, lack of motivation, aggression, depression, anxiety, grades slipping, hating what they once loved or loving what they once hated, always wanting to be with friends or away from home, or avoiding friends altogether and spending too much time alone).

3. Your teen has become increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, disobedient, and openly displays rebellion, no longer veiling his or her feelings or caring about the consequences.

4. There is a blatant ignorance or profound rebellion toward the boundaries, belief system or rules of the home. This can be shown in passive aggressiveness or open defiance that is unusually excessive for your teen.

5. There are outright or veiled threats of suicide, or self-mutilation/cutting, excessive risk-taking, dangerous drug use or blatant sexual promiscuity—a loss of a conscience or moral compass.

6. Treatment by your teen of people, pets or belongings is threatening or out of control.

7. Your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family and shows blatant disregard for the feelings of other family members, their time or their possessions.

8. Months of counseling providing little or no positive progress for your teen.

9. Your teen refuses to do anything family-related and displays a growing hatred for the family.

10. You cannot keep your teen away from peers who are obviously leading a lifestyle counter to your beliefs and your teen is buying into their destructive behavior and attitudes.

SCORE:
________

If your teen exhibits 5 or more of these signs, you may want to contact us.

Contrast the above list with what would be considered more normal teenage behavior:

  • Cooperates with and cares for others
  • Thinks realistically about their need for family and other people
  • Suffers personal discomfort to accomplish positive life goals
  • Bases their actions and behavior on convictions and beliefs rather than feelings
  • Takes care of their own personal needs without imposing on others
  • Treats people, pets and things with respect
  • Has feelings of purpose and an excitement for the future
  • Maintains relationships even in difficult times
  • Defines who they are without giving in to what everyone else thinks they should be.

There is nothing worse than living with a teen spinning out of control, and no worse feeling than the hopelessness parents experience as a result. It’s difficult to know what to do and how to react when your teen daily reaches new lows in disobedience, dishonesty and disrespect.

Is your family experiencing the crisis of a teenager out of control? Are you walking on pins and needles around the situation? Are you at your wit’s end?

Every day, we hear from dozens of frustrated parents who share how their once normal and happy child is now dangerously out of control—abusing drugs or alcohol, lying, stealing, cutting or engaging in other destructive or disturbing behavior. They talk about how it has disrupted their home, how they fear for their child’s future—even their life. We hear it over and over again: “My child is no longer who she used to be.”

Your teen needs you to intervene. The downward spiral can have tremendous destructive potential with lifelong consequences, or even bring a young life to a quick end. When teens spin out of control, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react—even if they do everything they can to shut you out. Don’t ignore the evidence. that your teen is spinning out of control. Act today based on what you know is true—your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best. for your teen.

Heartlight’s therapeutic program can provide your teen with the help, healing, and mentoring he or she needs—as well as defined boundaries and a continued education. Heartlight also hosts seminars and weekend retreats to ensure success for the whole family. And the Heartlight staff help parents learn what to expect from their teen as they move through the program.

Everyone can then look past heated emotions to focus on healing. When you need help, hope, and healing, you’ll find it at Heartlight.

https://www.heartlightministries.org/boarding-school/teen-warning-signs/

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Devotionals

How to Raise a Godly Child

by Randy Carlson
written by Randy Carlson

Here are the nine habits of an intentional parent:

  1. I will not do for my child what he needs to do for himself—when I do, I disrespect him.
  2. I will not overreact—when I do, my child has won.
  3. I will not rescue my child from life lessons he needs to learn—when I do, I weaken him.
  4. I will not treat my teenager like a child—when I do, I create resentment.
  5. I will not be dissuaded from doing right, despite anger, tears, cursing or threats—when I do, I am an irresponsible parent.
    I will use my Heart—when they are hurting, confused, searching or frustrated.
    I will use my Head—when they have questions, need guidance or want answers.
    I will use my Hand (take action)—when they are disrespectful, disobedient or lazy.
  6. I will pick my parenting battles carefully—because it’s more important to be the right parent than to be right.
  7. I will give lots of encouragement—because it will help my child to succeed.
  8. I will provide training, instruction and support as needed—because that’s my job.
  9. I will pray daily for my children—because my children belong to God.

www.intentionalliving.com

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Articles

How to Lead Your Family Spiritually

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

Angel and I have a nineteen-year-old and a seventeen-year-old. On the precipice of empty-nesting, I’ve been reflecting upon what has worked and what hasn’t worked as I have tried to lead our family spiritually over the years.

I have experienced ebbs and flows of successes and failures as the spiritual leader of our family. By God’s grace, our kids are faithfully following Christ and have vibrant spiritual lives. Angel and I give God all the credit and glory for the ways in which we have been able to encourage Camille and Soren’s spiritual development; anything good we gave them the Father first gave us.  We cannot lay claim because “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (James 1:17) We own the times we have unintentionally and foolishly put obstacles in their spiritual path. Perhaps our wins and losses might help you walk a wiser course.

The Basics

None of the basics will surprise a mature Christian. While uncontroversial, these are more important than my suggestions for spiritual rhythms below. If leading your family spiritually is playing jazz, the basics are the structure that keep the music cohesive, and the spiritual rhythms are the improvisation that make the song unique to your family.

I’m not able to properly lead my family into spiritual health if I myself am not intentionally growing spiritually. They are watching you closely: lead through your example. There is no faster way to give Christianity a bitter taste than for your kids to sniff out that you don’t take your walk seriously.

Similarly, the spiritual temperature in your marriage will impact your children. The depth of spiritual intimacy in your marriage will directly affect the depth of spiritual intimacy in your family.

If your spouse isn’t a Christian or isn’t committed to the spiritual development of your children, it’s far better to act alone than to wait for your spouse to get on board.

Just as your relationships with your children change as they get older, so too will your spiritual relationships with them change. Expect this to happen and welcome their growth in spiritual maturity.  As you walk alongside them, you will be blessed watching God transform them and even through their struggles you can experience joy in seeing God sanctify them.

Spiritual Rhythms

I’m that dad – the one who introduced his kids to great books about two years too early. A great book isn’t great if the reader isn’t ready for it. Similarly, I often made the mistake in our family’s spiritual life of trying to push the kids ahead of where they were developmentally. How about you? Our goal as parents isn’t to have the most theologically astute eight-year-old, but rather a child whose walk with Christ is marked all the days of his life as having run the race well.

Infant and toddler stage: this was the most straightforward stage for me. The main goal is to create a warm environment where children come to love singing praise to Jesus and reading his Word. For us, this meant that our bath and bedtime were times where we sang simple songs of praise (such as “Jesus Loves Me” and “God is so Good”) and read Bible stories (The Jesus Storybook Bible and The Biggest Story Bible are both excellent).

Elementary stage: this transition was very hard for me because of several challenges. First, most families will begin to have after-school activities (sports, music, and clubs) that impact dinner and bedtime. If you also have toddlers and other elementary-age kids, this is exacerbated. It took me far too long to ditch a bedtime routine and switch to a morning routine. Your family might be able to create healthy daily rhythms in the evening, but our schedule made our evening family devotion times too haphazard for us.

The other challenge is that, if you’re a fellow eager beaver, you might become too focused on the content of your family devotions. I must have bought half a dozen books that we tried out as a family. While solid theologically, most of my efforts of taking us to the next level removed the joy from our family devotions. Whether trying to memorize catechisms or jumping too early out of children’s Bibles to the regular Bible, I tended to focus on theological formation too much which made our devotions too long. Just as important as not rushing your children to develop theologically is having your children intrinsically enjoy devotional time as a family.  Is it more important that your child loves spending time singing, praying, and reading the Bible together, or that they can explain the atonement or the Trinity? If I were to do it over again, I would have worried far less about theology and far more about having the kids love our time together.

Teenage stage: as your kids enter middle and high school, they gain autonomy and their schedules become busier. For us, switching from evening to morning devotions were vital at this stage. While we tried to keep as many family dinners a week as possible, the reality of their busy lives meant that trying to protect family devotions at night wasn’t realistic. More than ever at this stage make sure to create rhythms and an environment that your kids want to be a part of. Allow them to have more and more leadership in family devotional choices. If they are interested in studying specific topics, follow their interest. Let them have the loudest voice in choosing worship songs. Encourage them to lead in prayer. The most important thing is engagement and warmth. During this stage, give your kids nudges to begin studying the Bible on their own as well. It is healthiest for family devotions not to replace individual quiet times, but to be done in addition to them. But again, the goal here isn’t to lay down the law for your children, but to invite them into a deeper and richer spiritual life.

In each of these stages consistent involvement in the church is significant. Build into your children the rhythm of gathering in worship. Include them in corporate worship (regular church) earlier rather than later. Invite them to serve alongside you when they are young and let them discover their giftings and place in the body of Christ when they are still kids. Church ought to be a place where they form friendships with peers and also with those younger and older than they are. Teach them to love the family of God.

General tips

Think of your family devotions not like a sermon or a Bible study, but rather as an invitational time of spiritual engagement. Your role, then, isn’t to have done a lot of homework beforehand and deliver your talking points, but rather by the Spirit’s leading to pull your family into honest and vulnerable conversation.

The foundation of your devotions ought to be God’s Word and prayer. Generally, for us the best rhythms from later elementary age on have been to read one chapter of the Bible, ask some basic questions about the chapter, sing a song, and pray. Don’t overly complicate the time. It’s better to go shorter than longer. I would rather have five ten-minute family devotions a week than one hour-long devotion. The daily rhythms help draw us into closer intimacy not only with Christ, but also with one another.

Our daily bedtime rituals were as equally important as our daily devotions. For most of my children’s lives (even when they were teenagers), we closed the day by praying blessings over them before they went to sleep. Those prayers of blessings call them back to the truths of who God says they are and remind us of who God is. Our rhythms of devotions in the mornings and prayers of blessing in the evenings allowed us to begin and end the day at God’s feet. One of the things I focused on in our evening prayers were prayers of blessing over their character. I tried to lift those prayers beyond the day-to-day and pray big prayers for who God was forming them to be. Every day I wanted them to hear promises of God’s faithful work in transforming them into the woman and man of God he was calling them to be. Parents, we have a big Jesus, so pray big prayers over your most precious ones!

Finally, consider your family’s life more broadly in spiritual terms. How are you engaging in the Christian community as a family (going to church, attending a small group)? How are you serving as a family? How are you being generous as a family? All of these components contribute to a healthy spiritual environment in your home.

At the heart of your family’s spiritual health is your own. When I look back to times when we struggled as a family, my spiritual struggle was usually the root of that struggle. When I wasn’t spending enough time with Christ, my anxieties would often come out in fear-based parenting that moved toward my children with control, not love, with law, not grace. The best thing you can do for your children’s spiritual health is to first ensure that you are spiritually healthy.

If you are interested in reading more, I have appreciated Jefferson Bethke’s Take Back Your Family and Justin Whitmel Earley’s Habits of the Household.

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Sermon Starters

Setting the Tone in Your Home

by Jeff Jones
written by Jeff Jones

Modern Family “Setting the Tone”

Jeff Jones, Senior Pastor

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

For every one of us here, we want to help those we love flourish in life, not hinder them. We want our key relationships, such as people we are dating, or our marriage, or our kids to be accompanied with joy, not tension. Today in this series on Modern Family we are talking about a distinctive of a home or relationship where such positive things happen. Today we are talking about the tone of our home and the tone of our key relationships.

We all know that tone is important, certainly in communication. I can say the same words but communicate the opposite meaning just by changing the tone. I can say, “You’re a genius.” Or I can say, “You’re a genius.” Or, “You are so bad. You are so bad.” Or “come here,” versus, “come here.” One makes you want to run and the other makes you want to come over, just by varying the tone.

I’ve recruited a volunteer to illustrate this another way, so let’s welcome ________ to the stage. I’m going to ask him/her to shoot some baskets, and if he makes at least __ baskets in 30 seconds, he’ll get this chocolate. He actually gets two tries at it. But you have a role to play in this. You as the crowd are going to set the tone, and I want Epoch and Fairview to play along, too. For the first round, I want you as a crowd to boo like crazy, make fun of him, just be jerks. For the second round, we’ll do the opposite. So, let’s do this. When I count to two, the 30 seconds will start, and I’ll need you guys to be really loud and obnoxious. (DO ROUND ONE).

Now, we get to be nicer. He gets another shot at this, but this time you cheer him on and encourage him like crazy. (DO ROUND TWO and debrief).

Tone matters. A huge theme of this series is that what make Christ-following homes and relationships distinctive is that we are to relate to those closest to us the same way God our Father relates to us, which is a radically different way to relate. The tone of our relationships is one of those places of radical differences, not a tone of strife and negativity but one that allows that other person to flourish. We can say all the right things and do all the right things, but if we have the wrong tone we can crush the heart of a child or choke the life out of our spouse.

Today we are going to examine and apply one of the most recognizable and beautiful passages in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, as well as a passage in Romans to help reset the tone of our relationships. I’m going to read the passage first, and then we’ll talk about it and apply it, so turn with me in your Bibles or the ones under the seat in front of you to 1 Corinthians 13, and we’ll start with v. 4:

Slide: ____________________) 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…

Imagine a home where love as just described set the tone of the home, and that’s what we are going to talk about and then work on this week. How do we make this the tone of our home and what would that even look like? You can follow along with me in your outline that you were given when you came in.

Slide: ________________) 1) Change the Rules (Defy Gravity)

There is so much in these verses, and all of us would want to relate this way and set a tone of love that was patient and kind, not easily angered and not holding grudges, and that is easy to do when the other person is doing the same thing, or when they are doing what we want them to do. It’s easy to be kind to a kind person. It’s easy to be patient with our kids when they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

That’s why even though most marriages don’t end up making it, almost all marriages make it through the honeymoon. You are in love, in an ideal environment, no pressure, no expectations of each other. You are just on the beach and in love. At some point though the honeymoon is over, and reality kicks in, and you realize that your ideal man or woman isn’t so ideal after all. Same with kids. When you first see your child, they are this completely innocent little baby and you look at them and you think, “Wow, he or she is just perfect. I can’t ever imagine this little baby causing any problems.” And then they turn two, and then they become teenagers, and doing the whole 1 Corinthians 13 thing isn’t so easy.

We can talk about having a good tone when the other person is doing what we want, but why do that? Instead, I want to talk about choosing a tone of love when the other person is doing the opposite of what we think, because that’s when we typically give ourselves permission to temporarily throw this passage out of our Bibles. We are going to talk about changing the rules, defying relational gravity. By relational gravity, I’m talking about the negative spiral that naturally and immediately starts when you hurt me or wrong me or frustrate me, and then I respond in kind, and then you respond in kind, and then I do so again, and so on, and we spiral down to some pretty low places.

That’s the natural thing to do. It’s relational gravity, just like when I drop this ball; it’s pretty predictable what’s going to happen. It’s not going up, it’s going down. In relationships, relational gravity is just as predictable. You hurt me, I’m going to hurt you back. You wrong me, I’m going to get even. Even if it takes awhile, I am now holding a grudge, and I’m going to make you pay. You frustrate me, and I’m going to put you back in your place. It feels like justice to do so. So, our spouse treats us badly or blows an expectation we have for them, and we react. The spiral starts going downhill. Our kid does something wrong or is disrespectful or irresponsible, and boom, there goes gravity.

Once gravity starts, we feel very justified in throwing 1 Corinthians 13 out the window, and we justify being rude and impatient and unkind and being angry quickly and holding on to that anger in the form of a grudge. Yet, as Christ-followers we are called to respond in a very different way that breaks the cycle and sets a whole different tone in that home or that relationship. We choose to love at all times.

Romans 12:21 tells us how to respond when someone wrongs or frustrates us:

Slide: ___________________) Romans 12:21 (NIV)

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

You choose to break the laws of relational gravity and overcome evil with good, you respond to wrong with right, you choose love always.

So, if someone acts immature or foolish or hurtful, you don’t respond in kind. You don’t sink to that level. You don’t let that set the tone. Instead, you break the spiral and respond with love.

That’s not easy to do though. It’s amazing what a spouse or a child can do to you, how easily you can sink to the level of a two year old or a 16 year old. Someone told me this week that as they were driving home from church, this mom and her teenage daughter pulled up next to them at a light, and they were arguing in the car, and the mom was just going off on her kid, who I’m sure frustrated the heck out of her. Soon, the mom threw something at her daughter, which I’m sure felt good at the moment. I’ve been there. They then drove away, and guess what was on the back of their car? A Chase Oaks sticker. One of us! Because we’ve all been there. It could have been me, but I’m not a mom and I don’t have a daughter. Hey, if you have toddlers or teenagers, you’ve done the gravity thing too. It’s natural.

Proverbs 29:22 says,

Slide: ____________________) Proverbs 29:22 (NIV)

An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.

Anger is maybe the biggest reason we choose sin over love, and allow relational gravity to do its evil work. In an angry moment, I can justify a toxic tone and violating love feels right. And our lives are so stressful that it makes all this even easier to get it wrong. In the moment, it feels so right but in the aftermath we realize our oops after the damage is done. You can probably all remember something someone you love said to you in anger that hurt you. It may have been 30 years ago, but you still remember it. You can probably remember things you’ve done or said in anger that wounded too. So easy to jettison 1 Corinthians 13 when we get frustrated or angry, but we have to learn the opposite response, and choose to overcome evil with good. We may have to call a time out and go to separate corners before responding to each other when we are mad. That’s fine. But so much damage happens when we are frustrated, and the gravity spiral leads to soul damage and relational damage 100% of the time. Instead, choose to break the laws of relational gravity that allows you to respond to evil with good.

You can still speak the truth about how you feel and correct a wrong attitude or action. You just speak the truth in love, as Ephesians says. Rather than being rude and angry and spiteful, you choose to be patient and kind and respectful.

As a Christ-follower, you’ve got to be the one to break the downward spiral so that the tone of the home isn’t ruined, so that hearts don’t get crushed, so that regrets don’t build, and so that you don’t shut down the willingness of your kid or teenager to communicate with you or open up to you in the future. In that tense moment, you choose to overcome evil with good.

Slide: ___________________) 2) Believe the Best (Defy Logic)

What I’m about to say does defy logic. It isn’t necessarily rational, but it is a choice that love makes that changes the whole tone of a home or a marriage. These next couple of verses in 1 Corinthians 13 are just crazy verses, and when people describe love as making you crazy, this is a great illustration of that. Let’s look at 13:7, and this is one crazy passage:

Slide: ___________________) 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV)

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Notice the repetition of “always” here. This is what love does. It always protects, believes, hopes, and perseveres. The New American Standard translation reads: [Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Another way to say this is that love is incredibly generous toward the other person, always. Love chooses to believe all things and hope all things. Love chooses to believe the best, to see the other person through the lens of incredible generosity and just assume that if you don’t know the motives of the other person, that they are probably really great. Love sets this crazy, generous tone that says, “I believe you. I trust you. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m always holding out hope for you.”

That is a very different tone than most marriages and in most parent-child relationships. Rather than a negative, mistrusting, I’ve got to watch you all the time because you are so messed up tone, it is just this positive, trusting, “I am for you and I believe in you” tone that sometimes defies logic.

Let’s talk about how this generous tone craziness affects marriage. A few years ago I read a book by Marcus Buckingham, who wrote Now Discover Your Strengths and other best-selling books. This one was called, The One Thing You Need to Know. Although the book is not about marriage, he illustrates the one thing you need to know at the beginning of the book with an illustration that comes out of one of the largest marriage studies ever done. This marriage study was a study done on hundreds of marriages of ten years plus that by various standards were good marriages, to find what these good marriages had in common. They found one primary common denominator, and the finding blew all their expectations out of the water. None of them expected that to be the one thing they all had in common. They assumed that these marriages would be couples who had a very accurate and realistic view of each other, and had realistic expectations of that other person based on those. That love is not blind for these couples, but highly informed. What they found was the opposite.

What they found was that for these couples, love is blind. They irrationally see the other person as being much better than they are, and they treat them accordingly. They choose to believe the best. Here’s the way Buckingham worded it:

Slide: ____________________)
The one thing: Find the most generous explanation for each other’s behavior and believe it.

The one thing was an overly generous view of their partner that caused them to interpret everything through that positive lens. They just refused to go negative. When they described their partner, they were irrationally generous and worded their weaknesses as strengths. So her husband was not impatient, he was intense. His wife was not lazy but laid-back and fun-loving. He was not insensitive, but highly-focused. They focused on the positive and chose always to believe the best.

They chose a positive tone for the marriage that allowed trust and love to then flourish. They were for each other. The same is true in parenting. Massive amounts of research have demonstrated the reality of self-fulfilling prophecies in child- raising, how we create in our kids what we believe our kids are and are becoming. Our kids become what they feel we think they are. If that means we think they are a pain in the rear, that’s what they will become. Or, on the positive side, if they feel our belief in them, they tend to rise to that level of belief.

In the biblical era, one way that this was communicated was through names. When people named their children, they did so carefully and the names meant something. Names like “faithful,” and “God is my focus.” Not, klutz or moron. An interesting Bible study is to look at names of Bible characters, and you see how these people actually grow into their names, so much so that sometimes you think the Bible had to cheat…that they had to be named after they grew up, not before.

Just think about how God fathers us, how he views us. He does so with a generous, positive tone. The Bible says that God delights in us multiple times. One of the more dramatic verses is in a song we sometimes sing about God dancing and singing over his children with delight, from Zephaniah. God is patient with us, as Psalm 103 so eloquently says:

Slide: ____________________) Psalm 103:13-14 (NIV)

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

He believes in us, and focuses on our strengths, not our weaknesses. The Bible emphasizes our gifts, not our deficiencies, which means we should do the same with our own kids.

Our kids should feel the same. They should never feel like an object of our disgust, but of our delight, not our shame but our pride, not our pain but our pleasure. That’s true even in discipline, which we will talk about next week. This sets the tone of our discipline, so that rather than words or a tone that communicates, “You are such a screw up. You always do the wrong thing and you never choose what’s right,” you change the tone. It’s more, “I love your strong will, but this time you chose to cross a line that I can’t let you cross without consequences.”

The point here is to have an overly generous view of our kids that sets a positive tone of belief, and that is rare. Of all the things I am thankful for in my life, near the very top is how my parents did this for me. I have said this before, but I cannot remember one second in my life where I doubted the fact that my parents love me and believe in me and are cheering me on in life. That foundation is one that I do not take for granted, and one that I certainly want to give my own kids as their dad. We take Collin to college this week, and when he is going to bed in his dorm room (same with Caleb), I want him to go to sleep with the reality that his mom and dad treasure him and believe in him and are cheering him on in life to do what God has put him on this planet to do.

We can say those words to our kids, but if the tone in which we relate with them doesn’t match, it renders the words hollow. A negative, suspicious, condescending tone robs our kids and teenagers of dignity, and they will struggle with a low self- esteem or they will get as far away from us as quickly as they can to get out of the toxic environment our negative tone creates.

So, how would you describe the tone you set as a husband or wife in your marriage? What would your spouse say? How about the tone you set with your kids? What would your kids say? For some of you, we actually asked your kids last week in Kidzone and made a video of their responses. We got some pretty shocking responses, so I hope you won’t be too embarrassed, but go ahead and show the video. I’m kidding. Wouldn’t do that to you, and we all have our less than perfect moments on this tone thing. Yet, this is one we need to get right. You and I, as parents, are the ones who are responsible for the tone in our home, not our kids. For kids to flourish, that tone must be one of unwavering belief in them.

Slide: ___________________) 3) Keep on Loving (Defy entropy)

The last little statement in 1 Corinthians 13 is a good statement for us to go home with: Love never fails. Love doesn’t quit, even when it gets hard. It just keeps on going. Love always holds out hope, grace, and forgiveness. One of the most biblically important concepts about God as our father is an Old Testament, Hebrew word, pronounced hesed, and often translated “lovingkindness” or “unending love” in some translations. It is God choosing to love us with a never ending love. His love never exhausts. He just keeps loving, regardless of our performance.

For you and me as parents, we must love the same way, but that isn’t easy. Marriage and parenting can be really exhausting, and therefore maintaining a 1 Corinthians 13 tone in our home can be easy for a little while to maintain, but hard over a long period of time. For this to happen, it means we must stay close to God and we must manage our own lives well. Staying close to God, in his Word, in prayer, keeps us in touch with his delight in us, how he loves us, which then helps us treat others the same way. He also empowers us to keep us going. Managing our own lives well is also so important, because stress is not a friend to a healthy tone in the home. We need to manage our stress and those things that stress us out so that we can be loving.

The other night I came in from a day where I had meetings from 8 in the morning to ten at night, and after 14 hours of meetings, I was spent and stressed and I was one grumpy guy by the time I got home. And that was my fault for not managing my day better than I did. I could have managed it better, to insert a little bit of rest or recreation into it so that I could be more effective in those meetings and more loving at home, but I didn’t. So, I was kind of a jerk. Every once in a while, that’s going to happen, but I sure don’t want it to be my pattern. I don’t want it to be the way my kids describe me one day to their kids. We need to stay close to God and manage our lives well if we are going to be spouses and parents who foster a good tone in the home; otherwise, it won’t happen. Where is your stress level right now? How could you manage your life better, in a way that makes you far more effective at setting the kind of tone that helps a family flourish and not falter?

This week we realized that our main air-conditioning unit is going out, which is not good in 110 degree weather. Nor is it good for our pocketbook. Between car expenses and this, so far life is not making our Go Boldly commitment easy, but that’s okay; God will provide what we need to be faithful to that.

But on the house, what I want is to be able to come in and set the thermometer to a healthy temperature, one where we can flourish as a family. So, on this tone element, picture yourself looking at the thermostat now, and what is the temperature of your home? What is the tone you are setting?

To get more specific, let’s review the message:
First, defying relational gravity. How are you doing there? This week, make a choice to stop the negative spiral and choose to overcome evil with good. Choose to respond with kindness, and patience, and respect. Don’t sink below the level of what love would do.

How about defying logic with how we view our kids? Are you irrationally generous in the way you see your kids in a way that comes across in your parenting of them? Do they believe you believe in them completely, trust them, choose to believe the best when you don’t know what’s going on?

And last, are you defying entropy by leaning on God to love well and lead your home with a healthy tone?

Great questions as we go to God in prayer. This week, let’s ask for God’s help in changing the tone of our home.

www.chaseoakschurch.org

 

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Articles

4 Keys to Raise Empathetic Children

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

Every day it feels like we read another news report about the mental health crisis among children and youth, as well as how depression, anxiety, and suicide rates are getting worse. Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General went so far as to issue an advisory to protect the mental health of youth. Things seem bad, and for many young people, they truly are.

The world is changing, and sometimes it can feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above water, whether we are parents, guardians, or vulnerable children just trying to figure out our place in the world. These feelings have been exacerbated through the recent pandemic and other major world events, which often make everything seem worse, further straining our sense of mental wholeness.

We need to look at how we’re teaching our children to process and navigate the new world in which we live. This process starts with us as parents and guardians; how we manage our mental health is a model for how our children will manage their mental health. Research reflects that the unmanaged stress of an adult becomes the unmanaged stress of the child. So, one of the best ways you can help your child with their mental health is by working on your own mental health.

Why? Our mind drives who we are: how we think, feel, and choose. Our mind drives how we wake up in the morning and start the day; how we show up throughout the day; how we interact with our family, friends, teachers, and environment; and how we manage the good and bad things that happen to us. Our mind drives how our body makes cells, impacting our biological health and how we absorb nutrition from our food. The mind controls everything to do with our “aliveness.” We can go for three weeks without food, three days without water, and three minutes without oxygen, but we don’t even go for three seconds without using our mind!

If the mind is the driving force of our “aliveness” as human beings, we should be putting a massive amount of energy into understanding and developing the skills of mind-management to help both ourselves and our children manage the vagaries of life. A child with underdeveloped mind-management tends to be more vulnerable to intense feelings of confusion and be overwhelmed as they attempt to process what they’re exposed to, because they don’t have the mental skills necessary to understand what is happening to them or to communicate what they are going through. It’s our job as parents, caretakers, and educators to help them navigate a world that can easily feel scary and overwhelming. And one of the best ways we can do this is by giving them the gift of mind-management.

In my upcoming book, How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess, which is now available for preorder, I offer a scientific, evidence-based first step in dealing with the crisis in children’s mental health through mind-management. I give you easy-to-use, simple ways you can start teaching your child how to manage their mind so that as they grow, they can live their best life. Additionally, along the way, you may learn a thing or two about how to manage your mind so that you, can also live a life of resilience, peace, and joy!

One great way to start practicing mind management with your child is to teach them empathy from youth. At its core, empathy is the ability to sense the emotions of someone else. Encouraging empathy in our children means teaching them how to think beyond themselves and focus on what another person is feeling or experiencing.

Yet teaching our children empathy is not only important for social cognition and social interaction. It also helps children build their identity and develop a sense of their own personhood as they learn to interact with the world around them. In fact, empathy and identity work together and can help a child learn how to create and respect healthy boundaries in their relationships. Eventually, your child will learn to understand what they need and, in turn, recognize and respect what other people need as well.

Empathy is learned through social interaction and communication. We all have the ability to mirror the people we interact with, but to truly empathize, we must learn how to cultivate our understanding so we can truly connect with others. We must learn to “tune in” on a deeper level.

Of course, we will never be able to fully understand what someone else’s perspective or experience is, but we can learn to draw a connection to our own experience and use this to get a sense of what someone else might be going through. And, the younger we learn how to do this, the better we will understand ourselves and connect with other people as we grow. Empathy means imagining, as close as we can get, what someone is experiencing, which helps us relate to and connect with others on a deeper level.

Empathy also improves our communication. It is a form of interaction that uses emotions and nonverbal communication instead of language. In the same way that language works, where someone says something and we respond, empathy involves experiencing another person’s emotion and connecting with that experience.

It is however important to remember that empathy takes time to understand and develop, even for adults! First, it is important to help your child try understand what empathy is. Here are ways you can explain empathy to your child and help them learn how to be more empathetic:

  • You can say something like “sometimes something happens to someone else, but we feel sad for them even though it didn’t happen to us. Has your friend ever hurt themselves and started crying and you felt sad for them even though you didn’t hurt yourself? Empathy means you are trying to see how you would feel if those things happen to you and how you would want someone to respond to you.”
  • Remember that a big part of trying to show your child how to be empathetic starts with you as parents practicing empathy—children watch what we do and learn from us.
  • Cultivating empathy also means helping your child cultivate their unique identity. It is important to help them understand that they are different from other people and may experience the world in a different way and have different feelings. When you validate your child’s experience and show them empathy, they will begin to understand what it means to have empathy for others. For example, say your child is afraid of your cat. You can say something like, “Are you feeling scared of the cat? Cats can be scary. I can hold your hand while you are close to it.” This shows you are validating their fear—you are not telling them to not be scared. You are letting them know that you see them and what they are experiencing and that you will be by their side to support them even though you are not afraid of the cat. Or, say your children are fighting and one child makes the other one cry. Rather than forcing your child to say sorry (especially when they are younger and may not be able to grasp the full meaning behind an apology), try to teach them to feel empathy. Try to say something like “Look, James, Tina is really sad and is crying. She is very hurt because you took her favorite toy. Can we try to see if we can make her feel better?” Empathy generally comes when people connect through thoughts, emotions, and actions, so encouraging your child to try do this instead of just getting angry at them will help them understand why what they did was hurtful, not just that it was “wrong” or “bad”.
  • An extremely important part of cultivating empathy in young children is to help them learn and appreciate diversity at a young age. This means exposing them to different ideas, worlds, and people, and showing them these differences are good and not something to be afraid of.

www.drleaf.com.

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Bible Studies

Eli: The Passive Parent

by John MacArthur
written by John MacArthur

Cameron Buettel is an author partnering with Pastor John MacArthur at www.gracetoyou.org. Here are his powerful insights.

Parenting is never easy. Nobody in this fallen world has mastered it.

And when it comes to raising children in the fear of the Lord, fathers shoulder the greatest biblical responsibility—being accountable to God as the heads of their homes (Ephesians 6:4; 1 Timothy 3:4–5).

The need to learn and grow in the role of fatherhood never ceases, and Scripture is our richest source of parental wisdom. It offers clear instruction and furnishes us with powerful role models.

And it’s not just the good dads that we can learn from. In fact, the bad dads of the Bible may well teach the most profound lessons of all.

Eli is certainly a prime example. He was a priest and judge over Israel during one of the lowest points in its history—at the end of the era of judges, when “everyone did what was right in his own eyes” (Judges 21:25). Eli’s life is a great lesson for us because his key failure was a relatively obscure sin that runs rampant in the church today—a passive approach to parenting.

Eli was no reprobate. He had good desires for the people of Israel (1 Samuel 1:17), reverence for God (1 Samuel 3:18), and a hatred of evil (1 Samuel 2:22–24). But his hatred of evil didn’t produce any active response—at least as far as his sons were concerned. His passive approach brought disastrous results for his family and the nation of Israel. Along the way he displayed a severe deficiency in three critical qualities that all fathers need.

Failure to Discern

John MacArthur was once asked “what is the greatest need in the church today?” He responded directly and succinctly: “It’s simple for me to answer that. The biggest problem in the church today is the absence of discernment.” And Eli’s life is proof that the lack of discernment is not an exclusively modern problem.

Eli accused a pious woman (Hannah) of drunken behavior because she prayed silently in the tabernacle (1 Samuel 1:12–14). But he was seemingly oblivious to his own sons who were abusing their priestly office by fornicating (1 Samuel 2:22) and stealing sacrifices (1 Samuel 2:12–17) right under his nose!

Eli eventually did confront his sons. But it was only after their wicked conduct became common knowledge among the Israelites:

Now Eli was very old; and he heard all that his sons were doing to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who served at the doorway of the tent of meeting. He said to them, “Why do you do such things, the evil things that I hear from all these people? No, my sons; for the report is not good which I hear the Lord’s people circulating. If one man sins against another, God will mediate for him; but if a man sins against the Lord, who can intercede for him?” But they would not listen to the voice of their father, for the Lord desired to put them to death. (1 Samuel 2:22–25)

Fathers need discernment. An aversion to conflict and the concealing of sin can temporarily hide the truth, but eventually the sin will bear undeniable consequences.

However, discernment only identifies the issue. Once sin is identified it must also provoke swift and decisive action.

Failure to Discipline

Eli may have confronted his sons (though under duress) but he never took any disciplinary action against them. He may have thought he had a loving attitude towards his sons, but Scripture says it was a practical hatred: “He who witholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently” (Proverbs 13:24).

Remember Solomon’s counsel: “Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death” (Proverbs 19:18). “While there is hope” suggests that there comes a time when it is too late for the disciplinary process to do any good. In the case of Eli, he was very old by the time he confronted his sons. And he only did so because of the grievous testimonies he heard among the Israelites. Moreover, the concluding warning of the proverb—“do not desire his death”—is not some empty divine threat. Consider the concluding and soon to be fulfilled words of 1 Samuel 2:25: “The Lord desired to put them to death.”

Furthermore, the behavior of Eli’s sons is exactly what the Bible warns will happen if fathers don’t discipline their children: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who sets his own way brings shame to his mother” (Proverbs 29:15). “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15).

Eli’s disapproval of his son’s behavior was meaningless because he didn’t back it up with discipline. In fact, his passive attitude toward their sin revealed a lack of passion for his God. And God sent a prophet to confront Eli about his passive parenting: “Why do you kick at My sacrifice and at My offering which I have commanded in My dwelling, and honor your sons above Me, by making yourselves fat with the choicest of every offering of my people Israel?” (1 Samuel 2:29).

A failure to discipline children demonstrates a lack of love for them, and even more disturbingly, a lack of love for God.

Failure to Divide

A former pastor of mine once told me about attending a housewarming party for a couple who were living in sin. When I questioned him about why he would support such an event, he responded: “I made it clear to them that my presence there was not an endorsement of their lifestyle.” That pastor may not have verbally endorsed their sexual immorality, but he was certainly sending the message that it wasn’t that big a deal to him.

In the same way, Eli’s delayed objections to his sons’ behavior ring hollow. God had rebuked Eli, asking him why do you “honor your sons above me?” (1 Samuel 2:29). God equated Eli’s passive approach with “kick[ing] at My sacrifice and at My offering which I have commanded.” The outrageous scandal of Eli’s ministry was that he failed to make a clear separation—a division between the priesthood and his disqualified sons.

Eli allowed his sons to continue ministering as priests in the Lord’s house. How could he claim to represent God among the Israelites while he repeatedly ignored the blasphemy of his sons as they abused their priestly office? And Eli’s passivity was not a temporary failing in his life. It lingered well into his old age (1 Samuel 2:22) while his sons maintained a relentless pattern of blasphemous conduct—worthy of death according to Mosaic law.

I believe Eli’s overweight physique (1 Samuel 4:18) also reveals his failure to divide from the sinful activities of his sons. While he paid lip service to abhorring their sin, it seems he willingly partook of the spoils. Scripture does not make a definitive connection, but the mention of Eli’s weight implies his willing indulgence in eating the meat sacrifices that his sons were stealing. God included Eli with his sons by saying, “making yourselves fat with the choicest of every offering of my people Israel” (1 Samuel 2:29, emphasis added).

Eli’s story teaches us that the opposition of evil must extend beyond righteous rhetoric. It also demands division with those who persist in their iniquity. The apostle Paul reminds us:

Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? . . . “Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate,” says the Lord. “And do not touch what is unclean.” (2 Corinthians 6:14–17)

Eli failed to discern his sons’ sins, failed to discipline them for it, and failed to divide himself from their wicked activities. There is no happy ending to his story. God’s judgment came to pass: He used a pagan army as His instrument of wrath to put Eli’s sons to death—along with thirty thousand Israelite soldiers. Then Eli collapsed and died when he heard news of the carnage (1 Samuel 4:10–18).

It’s possible to take the Eli approach to child rearing without such a large death toll, but Scripture reminds all who tread his path that precious souls are always at stake: “You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol” (Proverbs 23:14).

www.gty.org/blogs

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Articles

Parenting: Christmas and Beyond

by Randy Alcorn
written by Randy Alcorn

The joy of giving is something we can instill in the hearts of our children and grandchildren from a young age. I learned of a family sponsoring a child whose son asked them, “Can you help me sell my game system on eBay?” The parents were surprised since this was one of their son’s most prized possessions. They asked him why. “So I can send our [sponsored] child a Christmas present,” he replied.

I’m sure the boy was happy when he originally received his game system. I’m also sure that when he gave a Christmas present to a truly needy child across the globe, his happiness was both greater and more enduring.

The way of loving generosity may sound like dutiful obedience to the uninitiated. But generous givers know the truth: the habit of generosity ultimately explodes into enduring happiness.

God Created Us to Give

Arthur Brooks writes, “Our brains are actually wired to serve others. When we give charitable money and service to others, our brain releases several stress hormones which elevate our mood and cause us to feel happy. Serving and giving help to others makes us happier, healthier, more prosperous, and therefore greatly blessed and more successful than non-givers.”

To voluntarily serve someone—to give of ourselves—is to show love to them. When we model this and include our children in our generous giving of time and dollars, we include them in our joy.

God has wired us to love and serve others, and to find happiness in doing so. We should give because it’s right, but also because it’s smart. When we give, God is happy, those who receive our gifts are happy, and we’re happy. Everyone but Satan wins.

I spoke at a Jesus Film Project missions conference and invited a farmer from my church to join me. People from all over the world told powerful stories about how God had changed their lives through this ministry.

After the conference, this normally reserved man told me with bold passion, “I want to give as much as I possibly can to this ministry!” Someone might have thought he’d won the lottery. Yet what excited him wasn’t winning money; it was giving it away.

This man had made money for years, and it hadn’t filled his heart with delight. What he was gaining now was purpose, direction, a deeper love for God’s work, and joy (as well as eternal reward, though that wasn’t foremost in his mind). All it cost him was money he didn’t need—money that, had he kept it, might have harmed him and his family.

God doesn’t expect His followers to live like monks in a stark cell, never feasting or celebrating or enjoying life. He is like a parent who puts specially selected presents under the Christmas tree and delights in watching His children enjoy the gifts He chose just for them.

When Giving Is Too Much of a Good Thing

It’s one thing to provide for our children. It’s another thing to smother them with possessions until they turn into self-centered materialists. An alarming number of children from Christian homes grow up grasping for every item they can lay their hands on. Children raised in such an atmosphere—which includes most children in America—are afflicted with a killer disease called “affluenza.”

Children raised in wealth show many symptoms of those raised in abject poverty, including depression and anxiety. They experience despair, sometimes attempting suicide. They turn to alcohol, drugs, and shop­lifting. Their parents are often so busy making money and spending it that they have little meaningful time with their children. They give them everything that money can buy, but money can’t buy what’s truly precious.

Consider the typical American Christmas. When the annual obstacle course through crowded malls culminates on the Big Day, what’s the fruit? We find a trail of shredded wrapping paper and a pile of broken, abandoned, and unappreciated toys. Far from being filled with a spirit of thankfulness for all that Christmas means, children are often grabby, crabby, picky, sullen, and ungrateful—precisely because they’ve been given so much. “But godliness actually is a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment” (1 Timothy 6:6, NASB).

Things we would have deeply appreciated in small or moderate amounts become unappealing in excess. As a man who has gorged himself at a banquet finds the thought of food repulsive, one glutted with material things loses his regard and respect for them. The prevalent disrespect of children for their possessions and those of others is a direct result of overindulgence. “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5, NIV).

Children who grow up getting most of what they want have a predictable future. Unless they learn to overcome their upbringing, they’ll misuse credit, default on their debts, and be poor employees. They’ll function as irresponsible members of their family, church, and society. They’ll be quick to blame others, pout about misfortunes, and believe that their family, church, country, and employer—if they have one—owe them.

Parents and grandparents who spoil children out of “love” should realize that by overindulging them, they are performing acts of child abuse. Although there are no laws against such abuse—no man-made laws, anyway—this spiritual mistreatment may result in as much long-term personal and social damage as the worst physical abuse.

How about a Field Trip to a Dump?

How can we teach our children the emptiness of materialism in a direct and memorable way? Try taking them to visit a junkyard or a dump. (The lines are shorter than at amusement parks, admission is free, and little boys love it.) Show them all the piles of “treasures” that were formerly Christmas and birthday presents. Point out things that cost hundreds of dollars, children quarreled about, friendships were lost over, honesty was sacrificed for, and marriages broken up over. Show them the miscellaneous remnants of battered dolls, rusted robots, and electronic gadgets that now lie useless after their brief life span. Point out to them that most of what your family owns will one day end up in a junkyard like this. Read 2 Peter 3:10‑14, which tells us that everything in this world will be consumed by fire. Then ask them this question: When all that we owned lies abandoned, broken, and useless, what will we have done with our lives that will last for eternity?

Is There Any Substitute for a Parent?

Every good financial perspective or habit is developed best by the example of parents. Children learn most effectively not only from what we say but from what we do. Sometimes our actions speak so loudly that our children can’t hear a word we’re saying.

Training our children about money and possessions begins at birth (Proverbs 22:6). For better or worse, we are their tutors, every hour of every day. Albert Schweitzer put it this way: “There are only three ways to teach a child. The first is by example; the second is by example; the third is by example.”

Giving gifts to children is often a substitute for giving them personal attention. Many children receive a playhouse, then a train set, then skis, then a motorcycle, then a car, all to compensate for the fact that their parents—often their father in particular—are not available to spend time with them. Anything we give our children is a poor substitute for ourselves.

I spoke with a Christian man who loves his wife and five children and wants the best for them. He works hard so they can have a beautiful house, lots of things, and enough money for the children to go to college. In fact, he works so hard that the last three years he hasn’t had time to go on vacation with them! This man’s children are growing up with plenty of material things. Tragically, they’re also growing up without a father.

Our children will not remember what we did for them nearly as much as they’ll remember what we did with them.

None of us, on our deathbed, will look back and wish we had spent less time with our children.

God Is the Ultimate Good Parent

He does not cater to our whims or submit to our demands. Yet He is a kind, gracious, and loving Father who cares for our needs and even has a place in His heart for our wants. He gives us surprising, delightful, frequent treats (if our eyes are open to see them), while not spoiling us with overindulgence or trouble-free ease.

There’s a play on words in 1 Timothy 6:17: “Command those who are rich . . . [not] to set their hope on riches . . . but on God who richly provides with all things for our enjoyment.” (NET, emphasis added).

Sometimes we take for granted God’s many wonders, such as the beauty of the hummingbird, the glories of a rose, or the taste of grapes picked off the vine. For me, late-summer bike rides in my hometown are highlighted by the scent of ripe blackberries and the warm sun on my face. Are these small things? Sure. But how encouraging that God has intended “all things” for our good!

In the middle of instructing those who are rich, Paul took a moment to comment on the character of God. He described God not as demanding or restrictive or begrudging, but as a God full of joy who provides all things with our delight in mind.

Paul wasn’t telling us “Stop enjoying life” but rather “Start enjoying the good life—the true and abundant life! Take pleasure in all God’s gifts to you.” He wasn’t telling us “Don’t care about treasures” but “Enjoy the superior treasures and joys of generosity.” Our Father doesn’t prize our misery or insist that we live a life of stoic sacrifice. Rather, the Creator delights in our joy. Who should enjoy God’s world more than God’s people, who know and love Him as their loving Father? The things we love are not merely the best this life has to offer—they are previews of the greater life to come. So we simultaneously feel profound gratitude for what He gives us now and great anticipation for the treasures He promises us in the world to come.

God’s generosity abounds. His gifts surround us—everywhere we look, and everywhere we don’t. Let’s make the effort to help our kids see those gifts. Doing so will pay eternal dividends.

See Randy’s books Giving Is the Good Life and Money, Possessions, and Eternity.

Randy Alcorn (@randyalcorn) is the author of over sixty books and the founder and director of Eternal Perspective Ministries.

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Articles

Raising Your Children without God

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

Deborah Mitchell, a popular CNN blogger and confirmed atheist, claimed that raising children without God is better than raising children with God. Mrs. Mitchell lists seven reasons why she raises her children not to believe in God. These reasons are:

  • God is a bad parent and role model
  • God is not logical
  • God is not fair
  • God does not protect the innocent
  • God is not present
  • God does not teach children to be good
  • God teaches narcissism

 

I’d like to briefly address each one of these objections to God’s existence (or character). Keep in mind, however, that though I will present biblical answers to these challenges, many readers will likely not like the answers. In every question we have about God, in every challenge we have about him, we must remember that God is sovereign. He does what he wishes, when he wishes, for his own purposes, and he is not obligated to give us the feel-good answers we seek. We, however, are obligated to accept God’s answers since we are the creature, not the Creator, and we are all accountable to him for what we think, feel, say, and do. God is not accountable to us or to our ideas of right, wrong, or fairness. We are accountable to him.

 

God Is A Bad Parent And Role Model

 

Mrs. Mitchell states, “If God is our father, then he is not a good parent.” Mitchell’s first mistake, which carries through to the rest of her article, is the assumption that God is everyone’s father. But the Bible, which she criticizes, does not tell us God is everyone’s father. Relationally speaking, he is only the father of those who have been adopted into his family through Christ (Romans 8:15). Anyone who does not have Christ does not have the Father and therefore is not God’s child in special relationship to him (I John 2:23).

 

She goes on to stay, “Good people don’t stand by and watch horrible acts committed against innocent men, women and children.” I would tend to agree with Mrs. Mitchell on this point if it refers to humanity. But the scripture actually recognizes that we are not good (Luke 18:19). In fact, the scripture condemns us for not doing good when it is in our power to help someone (Deuteronomy 15:7; I John 3:17; James 2:15-16).

 

Even though the scripture requires us to act, God is not obligated to intervene supernaturally on behalf of anyone. This is because God cannot be obligated by us. He is God, we are not. Secondly, Mrs. Mitchell conveniently forgets that God has already acted when it comes to worldly injustices. He has done this in two ways: First, God gave us a law in Exodus through Deuteronomy that specifically tells us what to do when evil is committed against others. We are to act. It is our responsibility to act, not God’s. We are made in his image and it is we who have been charged by God with the care of the world and society (Genesis 1:28). Man’s failure to act does not oblige God to make up for man’s rebellion and sin.

 

Second, God did act to begin the process of correcting the injustices of the world. His second chosen action was to send Jesus who modeled life for us, then paid for our sin (all manner of moral injustices) so that we could be forgiven and begin the process of changing our lives to become more of the person God intends for us to be. Our most critical need is to deal with the sin issue that we all face, through which we all commit various kinds of injustices. The Law of Moses did this, partially, but the sacrifice of Jesus was necessary to deal with the issue more fully.

 

Though many injustices seem to be unanswered now, this does not mean that God is not going to correct those injustices in the future. The Christian lives in hope that at the end of days God will, to put it in an oversimplified manner, even the score. The scripture recognizes this delayed justice. “Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land. Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more” (Psalm 37:7-10).

 

God is not on our timetable when it comes to righting the world’s wrongs.

 

God Is Not Logical

 

Ironically, I agree with Mrs. Mitchell’s point about man’s responsibility to address evil. She says, “If there is a good, all-knowing, all-powerful God who loves his children, does it make sense that he would allow murders, child abuse, wars, brutal beatings, torture and millions of heinous acts to be committed throughout the history of mankind?…The question we should be asking is this: ‘Why did we allow this to happen?’ How can we fix this?”

 

I agree with her that it is man’s responsibility to address these issues. However, just because evil exists it does not automatically follow that a good God therefore does not exist. All of us are evil. In fact, we are evil to the core though we have some ability to do good things (Matthew 19:17). The Bible tells us how evil we are (Jeremiah 17:9). Mrs. Mitchell’s statement that a good God cannot exist if evil exists is not logical. Mrs. Mitchell is evil. I am evil. Everyone is evil. But we have the capacity to do good things (Matthew 7:11).

 

God Is Not Fair

 

Mrs. Mitchell asks, “If God is fair, then why does he answer the silly prayers of some while allowing other, serious requests, to go unanswered?… If God is fair, then why are some babies born with heart defects, autism, missing limbs or conjoined to another baby?” These are issues that man has struggled with for all time. For centuries Christians have tried to answer this issue to the satisfaction of the unbeliever, hoping that person will see reason and come to Christ. But there is one problem with this approach that is undeniable.

 

Life is not fair. God never promised life would be fair. God is not obligated to act according to our definition of fairness. The Apostle Paul addresses this in Roman’s 9:20-21, “Who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, ‘Why did you make me like this,’ will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?”

 

God told Job something similar when Job sought to justify himself before God. In Job 38 God essentially says to Job, “Who do you think you are?”

 

This is not an answer that we like. Tough. That’s just the way it is. God is not obligated by us to say or do anything for any reason. We may think this is unfair, but none of us have the long view of history or humanity that God has. He knows our beginnings and our endings. To those who love him there awaits a great reward of seeing him and serving him forever. But to those who reject him, he will also reject. Why is it that we think God is obligated to right all our wrongs right now when we spit in his face? Clearly, God is not unfair. We are the ones who look at God and want to put unfair conditions upon him.

 

God Does Not Protect The Innocent

 

Mrs. Mitchell asks, “Why can’t God, with all his powers of omnipotence, protect the innocent?” She makes a leap in judgment by connecting the suffering of people with an inability to act on God’s part. But God has acted, as stated earlier. He acted through Law, giving us responsibility over the injustices in the world. “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).

 

He Is Not Present

 

This, of course, is Mrs. Mitchell’s assumption throughout her article. If God does not do what we want him to do then, she reasons, God does not exist. This is foolish. A person born out of wedlock who never meets his father cannot reason that his father does not exist because he did not have his presence. So too, the unbeliever who rejects God because he doesn’t feel his presence assumes too much. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). Only those who know God through Christ can know his abiding presence.

 

God Does Not Teach Children to Be Good

 

Mrs. Mitchell states, “A child should make moral choices for the right reasons. Telling him that he must behave because God is watching means that his morality will be externally focused rather than internally structured.” Mrs. Mitchell cannot have it both ways. First she asserts that God is not present, then she criticizes the notion that an external God urging good behavior is a wrong way to teach good morals. But as we’ve already seen, man’s heart is wicked (Jeremiah 17:1). Goodness, therefore, does not come from within, it comes from without. We have the capacity to do good, but we cannot conquer our own evil apart from Christ. Only the indwelling Holy Spirit can work out a new morality from within. God promised this in Jeremiah 31:33, “I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”

 

Mrs. Mitchell’s logic is also flawed in this claim. All good that we learn is learned from outside us. We learn if from our parents. We learn it from our teachers and peers. We learn it from the laws in our society. We learn it from philosophy. Her claims in this regard hold no water.

 

God Teaches Narcissism

 

Here Mrs. Mitchell claims, “Telling kids there is a big guy in the sky who has a special path for them makes children narcissistic.” On the contrary, telling children that they are specially created by God to be like him inculcates the idea of responsibility, something to measure up to, a standard to be realized. God says in Leviticus 11:44, “Be holy because I am holy.” That is not narcissism, that is a higher purpose to achieve.

 

Jesus said, “You are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). This is not narcissism, this is a recognition that we have something to live up to. But all of this is to be done with an attitude of humility. “I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment” (Romans 12:3). The Apostle Paul also says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 4:3-4). This is not narcissism by any definition.

 

Conclusion

 

Psalm 139:13-16:

“For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.” NIV

No one is beyond redemption. If you are struggling with a wayward adult child, remember that he or she is never out of God’s attention and is being surrounded by God’s love all of the time. Be one of those reminders. Finally, pray. King David tells us God inhabits the praises of His people and He hears and answers your prayers. Take time every day to praise God for what He has done and and what He will do in the lives of your children.. Bring your requests and concerns to His feet, lay them there and let go knowing that He can care for your children better than  you ever could.

 

 

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Devotionals

God is Your Father and Protector

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

“The Lord is Your keeper. The Lord is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.” Psalm 121

Psalm 121 is a discovery of the symbiotic relationship between Father and child. God’s principal means for drawing his little child to his side is human need. What needs are expressing in this divine poem? The need for help (vs. 1-2), the need for protection, (vs. 3-6), the need for guidance, (vs. 3 and 8) and the need for shielding from nature’s fury and Satan’s schemes (vs. 5-7) are all met by the protective parent. The newborn is in the place of life-dependence. God is seen by the spiritual baby as Creator, Protector, Helper, and Guardian. A baby is also completely self-centered. Notice the focus of this psalm is on what God will do for the believer, it is not conscious of the believer’s interaction or response to God.

Some suggest Hezekiah is the also the author of this psalm. Upon his healing, Hezekiah prayed a similar prayer of thanksgiving for his deliverance. A baby learns how to get attention from Mom and Dad. If he is hungry, he screams. If he is lonely, he screams. If he is wet, he screams. It does not matter if it is midday or midnight. When the baby screams, Mommy comes. The baby Christian learns early that when he prays, Daddy comes. Hebrews 4:16 promises “Let us come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Every healthy child knows how to reach out for help. Spiritual children know who their Daddy is. They know that their sins are forgiven, and they are safe from death and hell. God listens and he is helped and comforted.

Neurologists have discovered that newborns enter the world with brains that will continue to develop from infancy into early adulthood. One such discovery startled the unsuspecting parents of a newborn. An infant contracted an eye infection in the first week of life. The pediatrician bandaged the baby’s eyes during weeks two and three to heal the infection. To the shock and surprise of his parents, the child was completely blind, though his eyes were functioning perfectly.

Physicians were dismayed to discover that the part of the occipital lobe of the brain that processes information was developed during the first month of life. The eyes could see but they could not process what they had seen, so the baby was completely blind.

The analogy is clear for this Psalm. As the spiritual child lifts his gaze up to His Maker, he can see that God is his helper only by the revelation of the Holy Spirit. In fact, all throughout the life of the Christian, it is God who reveals Himself and the Holy Spirit who interprets those revelations to the mind and human spirit.

At the moment of salvation, there is a joy and simple trust that is remarkable. This “honeymoon” period of infancy where there is such wonder, tremendous learning and enthusiasm is often mistaken for spiritual maturity. But the faith has not been tried. The believer is aware of God’s presence and protection in a remarkable way. Verses 1-2 describe the beginning prayer life of a baby Christian. When he senses a need, he is learning to bring it to God in prayer. He learns God is Creator of both the physical and spiritual world and interacts with every part of life. He discovers the hand of God in creation. He discovers God as creator of heaven…that there is a whole world in another dimension-a spiritual world that he cannot see, but must appropriate by faith. Spiritual children learn that they need protection in their spiritual walk: “He will not let your foot slip,” Ps.121:3. The keeping power of the Heavenly Father also has historical significance. When the traveling Israelites trekked to Jerusalem three times a year, they faced many perils along the way. Robbers, wild animals, and brutal heat were three of their enemies. Perhaps they sang this comforting psalm around their evening campfires.

The vocabulary of this poem also implies that the pilgrim must climb (ascend) toward his Heavenly Father. From every other part of Israel, the Jews said they must travel or “go up” to the Holy City. “Moving feet,” “lifting eyes,” “going out,” “coming in” all imply movement toward a goal. The love of God draws His child to His heart. Nevertheless there is a godless yet seductive gravitational force relentlessly pulling him downward. The world system is

always a hurdle the traveler must overcome. The Christian must not look back. On his old life, or he will experience the paralysis that Lot’s wife did when she vacillated and was transformed into a pillar of salt in Genesis. The spiritual child must run to the loving, sheltering arms of his Daddy. God promises this as our guide and protector:

“To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you without blemish before the presence of His glory with rejoicing, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ, our Lord, be the glory.” Jude 24

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Articles

How to Help Your Child with Depression and Trauma

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

It is estimated that around one in twelve children struggle with depression at some point between the ages 9 and 16, with girls more likely to be affected than boys. Unfortunately, depression is a common childhood challenge that often goes unnoticed by adults, including parents, teachers, and pediatricians. This means that a lot of children are entering into adulthood with unmet needs, and feel that they have to cope with the challenges they face alone.

Childhood depression can have a lasting effect in someone’s life if left unmanaged, including an increased risk for anxiety and substance use disorders, worse overall health and social functioning outcomes, less financial and educational achievement, and an increased risk of criminality. It is no wonder that researchers argue that depression in youth between the ages of 10 and 24 is both a leading cause of stress and a possible risk factor for future diseases and impairment!

Of course, all children will experience feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety at some point in their youth. These are normal human reactions to the struggles that both children and adults face. These feelings act as warning signals that something is going on in our life, and they can be very helpful IF we learn how to understand them, what to look out for and how to manage them. This is something we should teach ourselves and our children, because the sooner we learn to manage our thinking, feeling and choosing, the more empowered we will feel over our emotions and our lives.

What does this learning look like on a physical level? There would be no conscious experience without the brain, but our experience cannot be reduced to the brain’s actions. The mind is energy; it is our aliveness. It generates energy through our thinking, feeling, and choosing. (I call this our mind-in-action.) When we generate mind energy through thinking, feeling, and choosing, we build thoughts, which are physical structures in our brain. This is called neuroplasticity. In my most recent clinical trials, we saw how the energy in the brain changed as the subject thought, and this stimulated neuroplasticity (which I discuss in detail in my latest book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess).

The brain responds to the person experiencing “something” with their mind. Essentially, the brain is an extremely complex neuroplastic responder. This means that each time it is stimulated by your mind, it responds in many ways, which includes neurochemical, genetic, and electromagnetic changes. This, in turn, grows and changes structures in the brain, building or wiring in new physical thoughts. The brain is never the same because it changes with every experience we have, every moment of every day, and this is especially true for children whose brains are still developing.

The good news is that we can help our children learn how to manage these changes. This is incredibly important, because unmanaged traumas (big and little, acute and chronic) can be cumulative in nature, creating toxic reactions in the brain and body that, over time, can increase our vulnerability to disease, early mental health issues and even death.

It is essential that we teach our children how to process the struggles they face from youth. We need to let them know that it’s okay to feel sadness, depression, guilt, anger or whatever emotion they have—that there isn’t something wrong with them. We need to let them know that it’s their mind, brain and body’s way of telling them they are going through something and need to process it. Our children need to know that even though we can’t always change what has happened to us, we can influence what happens in us, and how it plays out in our mind, brain and body.

This process starts with us being authentic about our own feelings and demonstrating this to our children as parents, teachers, leaders and so on. We need to learn HOW to speak to our children about difficult situations and emotions, not run away from them or say that our children are “too young”. The truth is, we can’t hide what we are going through from our kids, no matter how good at “adulting” we think we are. They are incredibly observant, so it is important that we address the elephant in the room (in an age-appropriate way, of course) and let them know what is going on before they think to blame themselves or keep how they are feeling inside. For more on this, listen to my recent podcast with child psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy).

Indeed, we need to create a more open environment at home so that our children know that they can come to us with their struggles. But, you may ask, where do I start? If you see your child struggling, help find ways to calm them down so that they feel comfortable enough talking to you  —  but make sure that you don’t shut them down or make them feel judged! Some easy ways to do this are:

1. Do some deep breathing with your child before talking about a difficult issue:

A breathing exercise will help get lots of oxygen and blood flow to the front of the brain and decrease your child’s feelings of neurochemical chaos, which will, in turn, increase their decision-making capability, reduce impulsivity and help them calm down their brain and body.

You can do a 10 second pause exercise: breathe in for around 3 counts and breathe out for around 7 counts (or for however long your child can handle). Tell them to put their hand on their belly and feel it rise up in the inhalation; on the exhalation, tell them to ‘whoosh’ it out forcefully, which forces oxygen to the front to the brain. Repeat this around 6 to 9 times, for 60 to 90 seconds—or for however long your child can manage.

It is best to explain and demonstrate how to do this first, then do it with your child (you may have to teach your child what a deep breath looks like).

This is best done when your child is lying on their back on a couch, on their bed, on a mat on the floor or wherever they are comfortable. There are some great articles and videos online to help teach your child what deep breathing is and how to do it using props like stuffed animals and bubbles.

2. Make talking about stuff as fun as possible:

Do something fun with your child to get them into an “eager-to-learn” state of mind, which, in turn, primes the brain for learning. As you know your child best, start with a subject that they find interesting, such as animals, sports or cars. For example, you can spend around 5 minutes or so reading the latest news on football and discussing it or looking at certain cars and reading why the new Tesla sedan is superior to the old one and so on. This will make sure your child is engaged and ready to do some thinking work with you on the hard stuff. At the same time, you should be careful to set a time limit for this activity, so that your child knows it’s a small session and a “brain reward” to make their brain and mind stronger and healthier so that doing the hard parts will be easier.

This will help your child look forward to starting the session. In fact, schools do something similawith young kids, starting the day with a certain routine like sing-a-song before going into lessons, to make sure the children are in a good mood and are engaged and paying attention. This facilitates a good balance between the two sides of the brain and improves the mind-brain interaction.

3. Do a gratitude exercise:

You can also do an optional gratitude brain-building activity with your child before you talk about something hard like depression, which will increase theta energy across their brain and improve focus. Just have your child talk about 5 things they’re grateful for and why, but try not to make this a toxic positivity experience. You are using gratitude to help them talk about their struggles, not to put a band aid over an emotional wound.

Of course, it is almost impossible to help your child manage difficult human experiences like depression if you are not aware that they are struggling. This means being there in an intentional way for your child, observing possible shifts in their emotional state or behavior, and being open to listening to what they are trying to tell you. WebMD has a useful list of some signs to watch out for:

  • Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness
  • Social withdrawal
  • Being more sensitive to rejection
  • Changes in appetite, either increased or decreased
  • Changes in sleep (sleeplessness or excessive sleep)
  • Vocal outbursts or crying
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Fatigue and low energy
  • Physical complaints (such as stomachaches and headaches) that don’t respond to treatment
  • Trouble during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, during extracurricular activities, and with other hobbies or interests
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
  • Impaired thinking or concentration
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

And, if you find it challenging to help your child on your own, don’t be ashamed to ask for help! There are so many great child therapists, counselors and psychologists out there. Being a parent or guardian can be incredibly difficult, and we all need support at times—there is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling or are not sure what to do.

We also need mental health education in schools, churches, community centers, libraries—in all our institutions, because we are all human and we all have human emotions. If schools are meant to prepare our children for the real world, mental health needs to be a part of the school curriculum as a subject, because we don’t go three seconds without thinking or experiencing the world, and we all struggle with mental health ups and downs. Indeed, no amount of extra math tutoring is going to help if a child’s mental state is a mess! We need to petition school boards to add more mental health education to our children’s education.

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Podcasts

How Do I Get My Children to Be Better Students?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Parent, ask yourself this question. Is your son or daughter a voracious reader? If they are, your child is the exception. Your family is the exception. You’re not going to see a huge drop off in that kid’s ability to learn and perform. You’re not going to see a drop off in the grades unless they’re just sick and tired of the screen. I’ve told parents this for years. If your kid’s a reader, don’t worry about your kid’s education. But how do you motivate them to learn now?

www.birthorderguy.com.

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Articles

Why We Let Our Daughter Join Instagram

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

One of our favorite games as a family is called Oh Heck. You might know it as Up and Down the River. The reason this simple card game is so great is that while the rules of the game remain the same, every hand there is a different trump and a different number of cards. Throw in the fact that you can play the game with anywhere from two to seven players, and every game is different.

That feels a lot like parenting a child in 2019. The only thing that is the same is that everything is always changing.

In April our fifteen year old daughter asked if she could create an Instagram account. We said yes.

When is the right time to let your child engage in social media? More broadly, how do you parent children relating to technology?

A friend of ours, Diana Henderson, recently created a very helpful video tutorial called Tech in the Home: A Survival Guide for Parents. In it she expresses the struggle of so many parents. Like Diana we were parents who envisioned ourselves as creating a technology free home. We wouldn’t let screens have an undue influence in our children’s lives. We didn’t want them to be our babysitters, we didn’t want our children addicted to video games and social media.

What we discovered was that the rules kept changing underneath our feet, both because of the constantly changing landscape of technology as well as the maturity of our kids.

We are far from the exemplars of parenting well in the midst of the ever changing technological culture, but I want to share some of the best things we’ve learned along the way and point you to Diana’s videos as a great resource to help sharpen your parenting in this area.

1)      Create some hard and fast rules.

Get unity as parents as what the basic rules of the home will be. Our rules changed at different ages, but whether it is only one show on weekdays, or technology only comes after reading and chores, or no cell phones before age X, or only pre-approved TV shows and video games, you need to be united as parents. I guarantee you whatever rules you create your kids will immediately begin testing them. They will discover the weaknesses of your systems. So be thoughtful and reasonable about the rules you set up. I believe that monitoring/blocking is a must in any home today. It’s better to set up a set of rules that is more lax that you will actually enforce than to set up an idealized list of rules that will never be followed.

2)      Focus on the heart, not the rules.

Rules are helpful, but don’t make them the master. What you care about are your children’s hearts. You are helping shape citizens. You are training their affections. One day your children will have autonomy. What will happen then? If you’ve created children who perfectly obey an idealized set of rules only to leave for college and throw themselves into endless hours of gaming, then you haven’t succeeded. How can you help your children internalize the heartbeat of the rules you have created? How can you help create healthy ruts in their habits and desires? I would rather have my children fail at home and walk through that failure with them than have them show outward compliance while inwardly they are chafing.

One of our children is particularly drawn to technology. We are constantly working to figure out how to tweak the rules and reframe the message so that, by God’s grace, it hits the heart.

Parents also have a responsibility to appropriately care and protect the hearts of their children. The research on the impact of social media on the hearts of teens, particularly girls, is sobering. With that in mind, we allowed our children to have access to texting only for family members and friends approved by us long before we allowed social media to enter into the picture. The negative impact of teen girls in particular of feeling judged by others and feeling the pressure of conforming to societal expectations regarding body image is sobering.

The reality, however, is that we are not going to roll back the reality of social media in the lives of our children. It will be part of what it means to be a human being for the rest of the 21st Century. Just as I don’t believe I can appropriately pastor a congregation while being disengaged from social media today, I know that my kids will need to learn how to utilize this technology that has great capacity for good and evil. And, in the midst of the world we live in, we must help our children become wise, strong, and righteous digital citizens. They must eventually learn how live faithfully in both the real and the digital world.

3)      Producing vs. consuming.

I learned a lot from Diana on this framework. In her Survival Guide, Diana has us consider that technology itself can be used creatively for producing or passively for consuming. We need to be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. How can we encourage productive use of technology? Our son (13 years old) recently has been working on a play with a friend from school on a shared Google document. That is a creative and wonderfully productive use of technology.

Likewise, we want to encourage our children to foster their gifts in creative ways by things like learning how to create and edit videos, design graphics, etc. I’m not doing my job as a parent if I don’t help prepare them for a 21st Century workforce where these productive tools may well be important aspects of their vocation.

Our son recently joined the tech team at church. It has been so fun to watch him dive into learning about media presentation and lighting. He is using his love of technology to serve Christ’s body and learning great skills along the way.

We continue to have all of these conversations with our kids and have found that the conversations themselves are invaluable. When our daughter came to us and asked about being on Instagram, she encouraged us to monitor how it was impacting her. She said that she had two reasons for wanting to join: first, maintaining her friendships in New Jersey; second, sharing what she produces as an artist (she’s a great artist). So, this time, we said yes. We recognize that the rules are different for each of our kids and for you and your kids. We recognize we’ve failed as much as we’ve succeeded. And we recognize that this is the messy world of parenting today. But in that, we also don’t fear. God is still in control and he is going to be praised in our successes and failures as parents.

What have you learned as you have raised your kids in a technologically saturated world?

www.thebeehive.live. Used by permission

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Podcasts

Parenting: Respond, Don’t React

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Learn to respond to children rather than react to children. Because when we react, we react emotionally and our emotions. Emotions are not a great key for living. You have to settle back and you have to look at things from behind that person’s eyes. Now the authoritarian parent is, “Hey, what’s wrong with you?” I mean, there’s a tone of anger. It just precipitates a boil over of some kind. Think rationally, calm down, learn to remove your sails from your child’s wind in hopes of bringing peace and harmony to the North American family.

www.birthorderguy.com.

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Articles

God’s Help for Hurting Parents

by Max Lucado
written by Max Lucado

I don’t care how tough you are. You may be a Navy Seal who specializes in high altitude skydiving behind enemy lines. You might spend each day making million-dollar, split-second stock market decisions. Doesn’t matter. Every parent melts the moment he or she feels the full force of parenthood.

The semi truck of parenting comes loaded with fears. We fear failing the child, forgetting the child. Will we have enough money? Enough answers? Enough diapers? Vaccinations. Education. Homework. Homecoming. It’s enough to keep a parent awake at night.

Fear distilleries concoct a high-octane brew for parents, a primal, gut-wrenching, pulse-stilling dose. Whether Mom and Dad keep vigil outside a neonatal unit, make weekly visits to a juvenile prison or hear the crunch of a bike and cry of a child in the driveway, their reaction is the same: “I’ve got to do something.” No parent can sit still while his child suffers.

As a parent and a pastor, I look to the Bible for stories of parenting. One man written about in the New Testament, Jairus, he couldn’t sit still.

“Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus’ feet, pleading with him to come to his house because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying” (Luke 8:40-42).

Jairus was a Capernaum community leader, a synagogue ruler. Mayor, bishop and ombudsman, all in one. The kind of man a city would send to welcome a celebrity. But when Jairus approached Jesus on the Galilean shoreline, he wasn’t representing his village; he was pleading on behalf of his child.

Jairus isn’t the only parent to run onto Gospel pages on behalf of a child.

The Canaanite mother. The father of the epileptic boy. Jairus. These three parents form an unwitting New Testament society: struggling parents of stricken children. They held the end of their rope in one hand and reached toward Christ with the other. In each case, Jesus responded. Deliberately. Quickly. Decisively.

Note to all panicking parents: Jesus never turned one away. In the story of Jairus, Jesus made the father’s prayer his top priority. He heeded the concern in the parent’s heart.

He will do the same for ours. After all, our kids were His kids first. “Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?” (Psalm 127:3, MSG). When you look at your children, you look at God’s most generous endowment. They upstage any divine grace He gives. Before they were yours, they were His. Even as they are yours, they are still His.

We tend to forget this fact, regarding our children as “our” children, as though we have the final say in their health and welfare. We don’t. All people are God’s people, including the small people who sit at our tables. Wise are the parents who regularly give their children back to God.

Parents, we can do this. We can be loyal advocates, stubborn intercessors. We can take our parenting fears to Christ. In fact, if we don’t, we’ll take our fears out on our kids. Fear turns some parents into paranoid prison guards who monitor every minute, check the background of every friend. They stifle growth and communicate distrust. A family with no breathing room suffocates a child.

On the other hand, fear can create permissive parents. For fear that their child will feel too confined or fenced in, they lower all boundaries. High on hugs and low on discipline. They don’t realize that appropriate discipline is an expression of love. Permissive parents. Paranoid parents. How can we avoid the extremes? We pray.

Prayer is the saucer into which parental fears are poured to cool. Jesus says so little about parenting — no comments about spanking, breastfeeding, sibling rivalry or schooling. Yet His actions speak volumes about prayer. Each time a parent prays, Christ responds. His big message to moms and dads? Bring your children to Me. Raise them in a greenhouse of prayer.

When you send them off for the day, do so with a blessing. When you tell them goodnight, cover them in prayer. Pray that your children have a profound sense of place in this world and a heavenly place in the next.

Parents, we can’t protect children from every threat in life, but we can take them to the Source of life. We can entrust our kids to Christ. Even then, however, our shoreline appeals might be followed by a difficult choice.

As Jairus led Jesus through the crowded streets, “someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. ‘Your daughter is dead,’ he said. ‘Don’t bother the teacher anymore.’ Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, ‘Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.’” (Luke 8:49-50).

The hard reality of parenting reads something like this: You can do your best and still stand where Jairus stood. We need to know what Jesus will do when we entrust our kids to Him.

He unites the household. Jesus includes the mother. Up until this point, she has been, for whatever reason, out of the picture. But here, Christ unites them. He wants Mom and Dad to stand together in the struggle.

And He banishes unbelief: “Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said ‘Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping.’ And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside” (Luke 8:52-54, NKJV).

God has a heart for hurting parents. Should we be surprised? After all, God himself is a father. What parental emotion has He not felt? Do you find yourself wanting to spare your child from all the hurt in the world? God did. And yet, He “did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32). “All things” must include courage and hope.

Some of you find the story of Jairus difficult to hear. You prayed the same prayer he did; yet, you found yourself in a cemetery facing every parent’s darkest night. What hope does the story of Jairus offer to you? Jesus resurrected his child; why didn’t He save yours?

God understands your question. He buried a child, too. Death wasn’t a part of His plan, and He hates it more than you do. God resurrected His precious one and will do the same with yours. Your child may not be in your arms, but your child is safely in His.

Others of you have been standing where Jairus stood for a long time. You’ve long since left the water’s edge of offered prayer, yet haven’t arrived at the household of answered prayer. At times, you’ve felt like a breakthrough was nearing, that Christ was following you to your house. But you’re not so sure anymore. You find yourself alone on the path, wondering if Christ has forgotten you and your child.

He hasn’t. He never dismisses a parent’s prayer. Keep giving your child to God, and in the right time and the right way, God will give your child back to you.

© Max Lucado (excerpted from Fearless, Thomas Nelson 2009)

www.maxlucado.com.

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COVID and Fear: Here’s How to Handle the Crisis

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

Today I am going to be answering some of the questions you have sent in regarding handling COVID-19 anxiety, and coping with social distancing and staying at home. Many of us thought that we had seen the last of this virus, but we now know there are still challenges ahead. I want to try to help you as much as I can, giving you tools to help you manage your mind in this crisis and stay strong, mentally and physically.

1. How do I talk to my children about the situation without scaring them, while making sure they are taking the right precautions like washing hands? I don’t believe in pussyfooting around issues with children – they are smart and can read your body language. Remember, 50% of communication is non-verbal, and your children know when you are anxious or sad. Children between the ages of 2 to 10/11 don’t really have the language to express themselves either, so if you don’t help them express and process the anxiety they have picked up from you or others, they can embed it as toxic stress in their bodies—the more traumatized you become, the more they will become.

I know that talking to them places huge responsibility on us as parents and guardians, and we definitely need to speak to them in the right way, but hey, that’s what we signed up for! So, my advice, based on 25 years of clinical practice and having four children of my own, is to be honest. Explain what is going on at the level they are at, giving them just enough information (don’t go overboard) and tell them the adults are working on this. It may be a good idea to show them pictures of the virus, giving analogies that are age-appropriate. For example, “this virus is like a dangerous animal. You keep away from those as much as possible, and with the virus we have do that by washing our hands and staying indoors till they ‘catch it.’”

2. How do we deal with and help with anxiety and angry outbursts from kids? Outbursts come from frustration, which comes from a lack of understanding and fear, so calm your children down by explaining what is going on, like I mentioned above. But it is also important to remember that we are stuck together for longer than usual and this situation is new for everyone, so it is inevitable that we will get frustrated with each other.

I recommend having different “spaces” in your home to deal with frustration and all the other emotions our children are dealing with right now—don’t be frightened or irriatted. This is actually a blessing in disguise because you have a great opportunity to teach your kids to learn how to process through the issues in their life, a skill they will carry into adulthood! Allocate an area of your kitchen, for example, where your children can express their frustration in a safe and non-judgmental space. You may not always like what you hear, but you may need to hear it to help them. Set some basic rules, like no-one is allowed to physically touch anyone else in that space, no-one hurts anyone or calls anyone bad names there. When they come out that space, and when they are ready, hug them and tell them you love them. This will calm them down and is great for the mental health.

3. What do you if you have been exposed to someone or know someone who has the virus? How do you cope, heal and manage your anxiety? Knowledge is power, so, now that you know, follow the CDC and WHO guidelines. You can also listen to my latest podcast (episode #145) and blog with an epidemiologist on what to do if you are feeling ill.

Most importantly, manage your mind! Don’t let your anxiety take over: grab that thought and reconceptualize (reimagine) it, before it takes over your thinking and puts you into toxic stress, which weakens your immune system (as I discussed on a recent podcast). Stop, tune into how you feel, listening to the physical warning signals your body is sending you, recognize how you feel and make the stress you are experiencing work for you: tell yourself this is preparing you for action! Tell yourself that your body is working to fight for you, breathe deeply, and tell yourself you got this.

4. How do I deal with the loneliness of social distancing and home quarantine? First, reconceptualize  your loneliness—look at it differently. Take the time you now have on your hands to have more thinker moments, where you just switch off to the external and let your mind wander and daydream. These moments give the brain a rest and allow it to reboot and heal, which increases your clarity of mind and ability to deal with a tough situation (which we all need right now!) So, be intentional about creating “thinker” breaks throughout your day by taking a few moments every day, or when you are feeling alone, to switch off and just daydream or meditate. You can also use this time as a chance to build and repair relationships by talking on the phone rather than just texting, spending time healing from “hurry sickness”, observing the world around you again, and become a good listener—we are all going through stuff, so take the time to call someone or connect. Just listen and support them, and be there for them. A massive cure for loneliness is to get over yourself and reaching out in love. This not only helps you feel less lonely, but it also increases your chance of healing!

5. How do I “turn my brain off” at night from worrying so I can sleep? The quality and quantity of your sleep is largely affected by your state of mind, so mind management is critical if you want to sleep well at night, as I discussed in a recent blog and podcast (episode #97). Anxiety causes high beta activity, but anxiety always has a cause, so take the time to find the cause and you will help yourself switch into sleep mode at night. Embrace, process and reconceptualize your thoughts!

During the course of the day, you need to self-regulate your thinking and choosing during the course of the day. Chaotic and toxic thoughts need to be embraced, acknowledged, isolated and compartmentalized in order to be processed and reconceptualized in a healthy fashion—they should never be ignored or suppressed. You can do this proactively by getting into a regular 7-15-minute mind detox routine. Just 7-15 minutes a day of detoxing your mind can improve your sleeping patterns because you are cleaning up the mental mess in your head and getting your mind right before bed, which helps your brain and body regenerate at night. You control your mind: you can watch yourself, thinking about your thinking, and deciding not to allow a toxic thought to destroy your day. You are literally standing back and watching yourself thinking as if you were another person.

Do not allow yourself to lie in bed panicking about not sleeping. Instead, get excited and embrace the fact you are awake. Think that “this is going to be a nice, quiet time, where I am not bugged by texts, emails or people needing something. I am going to get that research done, finally read that book, watch that program on the Discovery Channel, tidy that closet or work uninterrupted on a project!” This excitement lowers your cortisol levels, balances the HPA axis (the “stress axis”) and makes stress work for you and not against you, activating your resilience and changing your genes in a good way. So, when you can’t sleep, develop a positive expectation mindset that this is a special time just for you, and you will use it wisely. This will help you get your panic under control and improve your health. A negative expectation mindset, however, is just going to damage your brain and make you feel worse—it’s not worth it!

6. What if you have to leave your children in a childcare setting so you can work during the pandemic? What if you feel guilty for leaving your child? It is important to remember that guilt chains you, keeping you stuck in negative thinking patterns which can damage your brain and body and make you feel drained. Don’t allow the guilt to get a hold in your brain; reconceptualize this, telling yourself that this is your reality and it is only temporary. You control your mind. Your mind is more powerful than the guilt! Don’t allow your mind to go down that rabbit hole. Visualize it, grab hold of it, speak to it, acknowledge it and tell yourself that this is not a great situation but you are doing it for your family.

7. I’m struggling to sleeping and to concentrate. How do I find peace while expressing my feelings? I cannot say this enough: thoughts are real things with information and emotions, and if you try to suppress them or shove them “under the rug”, they will explode, and can damage your mental and physical health—including your ability to sleep and concentrate. These thoughts will come As I said above, you need to acknowledge how you feel and reconceptualize it: see it from another angle or perspective. You can only redesign your thoughts when you have acknowledged them!

8. How can I help my young adult children in college deal with the negative media, toxic work loads and the loss of their social life?  Talk it through with them, allow them to say “it sucks”. Like you, they also need to embrace, acknowledge and reconceptualize their thinking. Let them express all their negativity and anger—make sure they feel noticed and heard. First listen, then problem-solve together. Give advice only when they ask for it, because then they will be ready to hear it! There’s no one formula for dealing with loss, so be creative; for instance, plan for a future celebration or vacation!

9. How do I handle constant change? Uncertainty and the unknown can be disorientating, but it is important to remember that change is really the only constant in life. Even your brain changes—every moment of every day! Accepting change, rather than always fighting it, helps us roll with it, making the most of change by seeing new possibilities in new situations. Broaden your mind: tell yourself you are designed to cope with change, and there are a thousand things to learn and ways to adapt to any given situation. The more you practice accepting change as normal, the better you will handle change!

10. How do I deal with the “I wish I would have taken care of my finances and relationships better before we got to this” feeling? First, let me say I used to be the “if only” queen! It constantly stole my joy, leading me backwards and making me lose clarity and the ability to move on. One thing that helped me overcome this is telling myself that “it’s not what you did but what you are going to do” and thinking of ways to take action. If this is you, think of ways you can act now. For example, listen to financial advice from experts, such as my recent podcast (episode #142) and blog with financial expert Chris Hogan, with a “planning for the future and learn from the past” mentality. Make the necessary changes, so that in the future you will be better prepared.

11. I am young adult suffering from anxiety. There is no reason for me to be afraid, knowing my immune system would probably be able to fight the virus out if I do get it. But how do I manage my fear?  fear impacts our immunity, so don’t let that thought run rampant in the brain! Grab the thought, as I mentioned above, depersonalize it and talk to it. Give it advice regarding the current crisis—talk to it as if a professional or epidemiologist were talking to you. For more on Covid-19, check out my latest podcast(episode #145) and blog with epidemiologist Dr. Will Bulsiewicz.

12. I just want to know how I can stop these thoughts in my head and prevent myself from getting to the point that I start breaking down, which makes my insomnia worse. Remember, you control your mind, so take charge! The mind is like an infant it needs to be fed. After 90 seconds, if you are still thinking about something, you have chosen to stay there. But this can change! As I keep saying, acknowledge how you feel, then process and reconceptualize it; continuing to worry will only make it worse. Grab the worry and re-channel that toxic energy into something constructive, like thinking about helping others during this time or what steps you can take to protect yourself.

13. I’m stuck by my mom’s house, and it’s in a small town. I have had to deal with rude neighbors. What can I do to feel less stressed? Always try be polite when you see them, which, over time, can neutralize rudeness and improve your neuroendocrine function! Remember, we all need grace during this time!

14. Because of past trauma and chronic stress my body recently was triggered into uncontrollable shaking for 3 hours. How do I manage my body’s severe emotions and fight/flight mode?  As I keep saying, your mind controls your brain, so work on regulating your thoughts and reconceptualize past traumas. Acknowledge and process the root of your trauma, and reimagine it. Embrace bodily reactions as warning signals, telling you that you need to change your thinking!

15. How do I deal with panic attacks? See my free panic attack guide podcast (episode #140)!

16. How do we deal with the uncertainty since so much is unknown and the institutions we are supposed to trust don’t seem to have answers? As I mentioned in my recent podcast (episode #122) on uncertainty, when we are going through a tough time, it’s natural to want to find the easiest route out of it. We want to eliminate ambiguity and uncertainty. We want to know what works up front– a formula that tells us what to do and guarantees that if we do this, we will succeed.

However, any kind of successful “doing” has to be supported by facing the uncertainty in all its scariness, ambiguity and messiness. Uncertainty stimulates us to rise to the challenge. It compels us to look inward, accepting and embracing the discomfort of not knowing—it forces us to examine, wonder, ask, answer, discuss. Walking into uncertainty can be a very illuminating process because it helps facilitate the reconceptualization process.

Our lives and routines have been shaken and we are all facing a time of extreme change. We can’t escape it, and we can’t fight it. Our “fight or flight” natural instincts are being hindered, which may be causing heightened levels of anxiety, stress, worry or depression. So, what do we do now? How do we learn to become comfortable with the uncomfortableness of uncertainty? How do we learn to feel secure in a time of insecurity? How do we find peace during this pandemic?

In this live ZOOM webinar I am going to tell you about the science of why we avoid uncertainty, and what happens in our brains when we encounter insecurity and “scary” situations. I am then going to give you practical tips and strategies to help you navigate this difficult time, help your children, and find calm in the crisis. I’ll also be answering viewer’s questions and concerns during the live recording!

17. How do we deal with the lack of control, which is causing a lot of fear? As I said above, embrace the uncertainty of the situation, because there are answers there, and the one thing you always have control over is how you use your mind. You can choose how you will respond in the next moment to the unknown. Inner peace comes when we reconceptualize our sense of control.

drleaf.com.

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Four Truths Every Mom Should Know

by Deb Waterbury
written by Deb Waterbury

From the very first moment those little eyes open and we hear them cry for the first time, we love our children. Yes, there are moments that we may get exasperated and frustrated, but we can’t help it—everything about us is conditioned to care for them and love them and protect them. It is, quite frankly, part of our DNA.

We are mothers.

Unfortunately, we also have to live with the constant reminder that they are pulling away from us. The second they take that first step they are becoming independent. Now, most of us are pretty happy when that happens. We like the little freedoms that are promised to our child-centered lives that maybe one day, we will be able to go to the bathroom by ourselves.

What we don’t like, however, and what we will do anything and everything to prevent is for harm to come to those little doughy wonders. Mamas are mamas everywhere—we become bears when it comes to protecting our cubs. We have dreams for them, dreams of happiness and prosperity and safety. We pray for their futures constantly, and we trust that if we can just protect them long enough, showing them the way they should go, then all will be well. They will be successful, happy, and joyous humans on this planet. There is a large part of every mother that believes down deep in her soul that if she can just get them there—to adulthood—then God will do the rest and usher them into their beautiful destinies.

So, what do we do when that doesn’t seem to be happening? What do we mothers do when our children grow up and make bad decisions or enter hard times or suffer in ways we can’t control? What do we do when it seems that God’s promises for them aren’t panning out?

That’s when God is calling us to let go. We have to loosen our iron maiden grips on their lives and allow them to fall, to fail, to suffer, and to hurt. And very few things are harder for mothers to do than that.

Like many other moms, I’ve had to endure this very thing with my boys, which is the reason I wrote my new book, We are Mother Abraham. It features two parallel stories—a modern day mother dealing with letting her daughter go and Sarah as she dealt with letting Isaac go. While dealing with many, many issues we face in this journey, I found that there were four main truths that came out for each of us to hang onto during these very difficult times:

#1. It’s going to be hard.

I understand that this doesn’t seem to be so wonderful on the surface, but knowing that it was hard for a reason brought me great comfort in the middle of letting my boys go. The truth is that it is hard for a reason. We were literally created to do the opposite of what God calls us to do in these times. We were created, as mothers, to do absolutely everything for these children.

The human baby is the most helpless baby of all other babies in the animal kingdom. God created human mothers to do every single thing that infant needs to both give it life and then sustain that life once it’s born. We are hard wired to keep them safe. There is no amount of understating the difficulty in actually denying one’s created nature in order to allow something opposite to occur. That is especially true when we are asked to allow pain and hardship come to our children. My nature tells me to help. My God tells me to get out of the way.

I read a story about a man who came across a butterfly cocoon. The butterfly was just trying to break free of the cocoon, and the man felt compassion on the small creature. He took his thumb and just peeled away a small portion so that the butterfly quickly emerged. The man immediately noticed that the butterfly looked abnormal. Instead of having big, beautiful wings that look it to flight, the insect had small, misshapen wings, and it stumbled around on the ground, seemingly unable to fly.

You see, when that man followed his compassionate heart and helped the butterfly avoid its struggle, he stopped the necessary process the insect needed to grow. The butterfly was created so that when it struggled in its cocoon for freedom, vital, life-giving blood is forced through its undeveloped wings so that it can grow and become strong. Without that struggle, the butterfly will emerge crippled and unable to fly, a ready and vulnerable meal to any bird that flies by.

God tells us over and over that we need those struggles, just like the butterfly, so that we can become all that He has for us to be.

Letting that happen is hard, but it’s hard for a reason.

#2. Thank heavens there is a training ground!

Our children are moving toward independence very shortly after they are born. They are literally drawn toward this independence. Their entire nature moves inexorably toward a place where they can move and be on their own. However, they certainly don’t wake up one day as a twenty-one-year-old who has never done one single thing on their own and say, “That’s it, Mom! I’m now independent of you!” They do it gradually, small milestone by small milestone.

The thing is, these are milestones for us, too. God is so loving in that He knows exactly how He created us, and He knows exactly how hard it will be for us to watch them move into their own destinies, some of which will require pain. Instead of making us tear that terrible Band Aid off, He allows us to do it a step at a time, each step increasing in difficulty. It’s harder to watch them go to Kindergarten than to take their first step. It’s harder to let to them go for a sleep over or go to camp than it was to send them to school for the first time. It’s harder still to watch them get cut from the soccer team or get rejected by some girls at school. Then comes the driving and the jobs and the friends, and harder and harder it gets.

These times are our training ground, and I’m thankful for them.

#3. You’re not alone.

Look around, sisters. We’re all right there with you. Mothers everywhere are dealing with this pain at one level or another, so you aren’t alone.

But look even further. Mothers through time have had to do this, and we can read about them in the bible. Hannah had to let her promised boy, Samuel, go as soon as he was weaned because she had promised him to God, Sarah had to let Abraham take Isaac to Mount Moriah with the intention of actually killing him, and Mary quite literally watched her precious son, Jesus, suffer the worst death imaginable while she was powerless to stop it.

The thing that all of these women have in common, both with each other and with us, is that this “letting go” was letting go to God, to His purposes and promises in their children’s lives. God hadn’t forgotten them or turned His back on them. He was fulfilling that which He promised, but these mothers had to let go so that His perfect purposes could be accomplished. It’s exactly the same for our children.

God has a destiny for each of them. He has a plan for them, and He has a plan to use them. When we hang onto them with the intentions of protecting them from the pain they are enduring, we are inhibiting the growth that comes only through that pain. We are standing in the way of the beautiful testimonies being born, world-changing work that will come, and fulfillment that only God can bring to our children’s lives.

No, we’re not alone in these times, but neither are our children.

#4. And finally, remember that you are highly favored.

When I was struggling with these truths as I watched my boys fall and fail and hurt, God reminded me time and time again that mothers are highly favored.

You may wonder at the logic of that, especially when your heart is breaking as it looks like you’re losing them. But God reminded me that He entrusted these people with us. He didn’t do that accidentally. My boys are my boys on purpose. God chose me to birth them, to nurture them, to love them, and to keep them safe. He created me with a nature that does that almost automatically. He did the same for you.

But then He does something quite astounding. Not only does He trust us with caring for them, but He trusts that when the time comes, we will be strong enough to deny our created natures and give them back to Him. God has made us His trusted stewards, but He gave us an almost super-human strength of will that He only gives to mothers, a will that enables us to actually let go of the things we were created to hang onto with all of our might—His children.

We are highly favored, and we are supremely loved. God’s heart is for His mothers. He is knit to us through this sacrifice, and we honor Him each and every time we allow Him to be God in the lives of our children.

Letting go of our children is definitely hard, both in the doing and in the training, and there’s comfort in knowing that we’re not alone. We have God and we have each other. But most importantly, in the middle of the entire heartbreaking, daunting task, we must look up and remember that we are truly favored and loved by the Creator of the universe. He is highly honored in us as we honor Him through this task. It is, indeed, a high calling, but it is a beautiful one.

Because yes, we are mothers.

drdebwaterbury.com.

To Purchase We are Mother Abraham and download the Bible study that goes along with it, visit www.DebWaterbury.com

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The Get-Well Box: Teach Your Child Kindness

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Kids are the best comforters! I was five when I was diagnosed with scarlet fever and pneumonia and imprisoned (I mean quarantined) at home for four months! My kindergarten buddies (and Jesus) helped me to survive.

Think of a friend or neighbor who is homebound, lonely or discouraged today. Teach your child to do what my little friends did for me. Here’s my story:

“Julie, what’s wrong?” “Where’d you go?” “I miss you!” In those tear-filled moments when I was so weak I could hardly speak, my buddies knew how to comfort me. They cried when I cried. No expectations. No questions. Just acceptance and consolation. I learned so much from their empathy and tenderness.

My fifth year of life was a nightmare.

TV was my sole source of companionship. My two-year-old sister Kathy was worthless in the friend department. All she knew how to do was cry and break all my toys. (She grew up to be loving and amazing, however!) My baby sitter, Mrs. Richardson, was nice enough. But all she did was make lunch and put us in time-out when we sassed her or trashed the living room.

I had high hopes for kindergarten.

Momma crossed off the sultry summer days on our refrigerator calendar anticipating my first day of school. As the grasshopper chirps subsided and chiggers ceased to chomp, the brisk fall air signaled my chance at freedom. Kindergarten!!!! I obtained the required list of school supplies: a box of pencils, a 24-pack of Crayolas, a lined tablet and a Barbie lunchbox with matching thermos. I was no longer a silly baby like my sister; I was almost grown-up, ready to tackle the bright shiny world of play-dough and paste.

September blew by quickly. I was getting my kindergarten sea legs. Little boys were evil, full of burps and boogers. Some of the girls were catty and mean. But I adored my teacher, and I loved recess and snacks. I devoured cookies and milk-a well-deserved prize after naptime. Mrs. Vineyard was beautiful, funny and cheery (before lunch).

October rolled around and I was a preschool pro. I knew my ABC’s, I could count to a thousand without blinking an eye, and I dunked my Oreos in milk while my teacher picked up blocks or snored in her seat after story time. After all, twenty five-year-old kids could squeeze the life out of any self-respecting grownup.

Then disaster struck. Just as we started tracing Halloween pumpkins and the fall air turned chilly, I got sick. My temperature soared and my head hurt. Mom rushed me to the doc. Dr. Pharo was my debonair pediatrician. No, he was not Egyptian royalty, but he was pretty cool. The good doctor had dark, wavy hair, a toothy grin and a starched white coat that stood up by itself. Although his office was chock-full of blocks, choo-choo trains and Highlights magazines, every kid knew the brutal truth: behind those brightly colored doors was a shot.

Dr. Pharo swaggered into the examining room as I shivered on the tissue-covered table in my underwear. “How’s my little trooper today?” he queried. Before I could answer, he gagged me with a tongue depressor and poked me vigorously in the tummy. “A few too many Vanilla Wafers, huh?” the doc smirked. I was full of Reese’s pieces and it was none of his business! “Let’s look in those little ears…” He poked and prodded. “Wow, you could grow flowers in that earwax.” I was incensed. Mom tried to stick soapy Q-tips in my ear holes occasionally, but to no avail. After the ear check, Dr. Pharo pressed his icy stethoscope to my chest. When I inhaled and coughed, his dapper demeanor immediately grew sober. The thermometer read 103 degrees. You could fry an egg on my forehead. When he lifted up my little cotton gown, my tummy was covered with red blotches. Mom assumed I had contracted a routine case of German Measles, but my measles were not German and my pox were not chicken. Dr. Pharo concluded that I had contracted a roaring case of Scarlet Fever and pneumonia. Our house was quarantined and I was confined to bed.

Dr. Pharo gave Mom a long list of prescriptions and recommended I receive a series of gammagobulin shots over the next three months. A yearly vaccine was one thing, but a series of shots? No way. My fate was sealed and my torture was imminent. I knew the drill. The Batman band-aids and green lollipops didn’t make everything better. A shot was a shot. I had a drawer full of lollipops and tootsie rolls and I would trade them all in for one less inoculation.

As the fall turned into winter, my condition worsened. I was really, really, really sick. My mom stayed home from work to swath my forehead with cold washcloths and to rock me as I sobbed. At night, she clutched me to her chest while I gasped for air, but then she dropped off to sleep. I lay awake listening to jazz on the radio, trying to make my heaving chest match the slow, undulating rhythm of the music. When I visited the doctor in the weeks to follow, he would shake his head and give me another shot in the bottom. At that point, I was too ill to care.

My friends couldn’t visit me because our house was off limits, and I dreaded the lonely nights of wheezing and coughing. My annoying little sister stayed at Grandma’s to avoid “the plague,” and Mrs. Richardson, my nanny, also kept her distance as much as possible. Weeks turned into months. I coughed through Christmas, I whined through January, and by February I had given up hope of returning to Mrs. Vineyard’s class.

Had God forgotten me? I couldn’t even go outside and smell the fresh air. I was a prisoner in my own house. Chutes and Ladders without a playmate is just Chutes. Shoot! I’ll bet my kindergarten buddies didn’t even remember that I existed. The doc said I was improving and might be able to return to kindergarten in March. But four more weeks at home seemed like an eternity. I had been sentenced to solitary confinement by this evil disease. I begged for a puppy, but mom said that furry creatures might make me wheeze.

On a particularly frosty, gloomy winter morning, I sat in my little bedroom rocker gazing at pictures of Hansel and Gretel that I had seen five hundred times. Although I couldn’t read, I knew the story by heart and determined I’d plan a bold escape from my bedroom dungeon and leave a graham cracker-crumb trail on the sidewalk in case I needed to find my way home. At least running away would let me breathe the outside air for just a little while.

Just before I made my break, I heard a knock at the front door. It didn’t sound like a grown-up knock, but a little kid’s rap-tap-tap. My heart pounded with excitement! Who was at the door? Was my little sis coming home? Did Donnie Scott from next door learn that I was soon to be germ-free? I didn’t care. I just wanted to see a friendly face from the outside world.

I peered out of the frosty window and couldn’t believe my eyes. Tommy, the toughest kid in my class, smiled and presented me with a box-an enormous beautiful cardboard box covered with construction paper hearts and doilies. He handed me the present, blushed, waved and ran toward the pick-up truck sputtering in the driveway.

What treasure would I find? I lifted the lid and gasped at its contents-a veritable treasure trove of handmade cards, candy and an unopened box of Hershey’s kisses. The large letter on the top was from Mrs. Vineyard. “Dear Julie,” she wrote, “we are so sorry you have been sick. Our bunny class is not the same without you. Please come back to us soon!” My heart leapt with joy. I had been missed! Card after card had messages like “Be well” or “Come back” scrawled in red crayon. The girl’s cards were painstakingly neat. The boy’s notes were rattier, but they still managed to say something kind like “Stop sniffing-start living” or “Get well, Stupid.”

I never felt so valued. It didn’t matter that my teacher had probably threatened them within an inch of their lives if they didn’t complete the assignment. I could care less if the mean boys teased me when I returned. God, in His own way, had taken time to show His love for me through a few scrawny, hyperactive five-year-olds.

There is a “someone” in your life who is suffering. You can be “Jesus” to them today!

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Here are a few activities to teach your children kindness and compassion:

1.    Make a homemade card with your child for an elderly neighbor. Write a prayer for them as well.

2.    “Carol” your neighbors by singing Jesus songs on their porch.

3.    Fill a box with practical items like soap, paper goods (if you have them!) and add some homemade cookies. (Be sure hands are washed and the items are disinfected).

4.    Contact a sick family member or neighbor via FaceTime, Skype, or other online ways to connect.

5.    Help your kids to take photos and text them to encourage someone.

6.    Make a prayer list with your kids to use when you say bedtime prayers together.

7.    Help your child write thank-you cards to special people in their lives.

8.    Take time to talk to family (especially grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins). frequently. Don’t just text. Call them. They need to hear your child’s voice.

9.     Collect canned goods and take them to a food bank.

10.   Tell your child to say “thank you” to doctors, nurses, firemen and policemen who serve us during this difficult time. (at an acceptable distance, of course!)

11.   Read stories Jesus taught about helping others, like the Good Samaritan.

‘Master, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’  Matthew 25:40 MSG

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Here’s a God-Centered Grandparent’s Guide!

by Deborah Haddix
written by Deborah Haddix

Affirming our grandchildren – it’s key: to building strong relationships, to discipleship, to passing the faith.

Our words are powerful. When handled well, they can build up, encourage, communicate love, and convey value to our grandchildren. On the other hand, our disregard in the use of our words, and even our silence, have the effect of performing just the opposite work in the lives of our grandchildren.

Knowing this, it’s imperative that we understand AFFIRMATION and learn to practice it well.

WHAT IS GOD-CENTERED AFFIRMATION?

Words can get muddied. Consider, for example the words: blessing, encouragement, and affirmation. We often use them interchangeably and while there’s nothing wrong with that practice, at their core, these words are distinct in meaning.

A BLESSING is a word or action that delivers refreshment and hope to its recipient.

According to John Trent, a blessing is the gift of acceptance and unconditional love passed from one generation to another through meaningful touch, a spoken message, attaching high value, picturing a special future and an active commitment. A blessing is live giving, live-changing.

ENCOURAGEMENT applies to words or actions that offer support, confidence and hope. Encouragement looks forward, painting a bright future of something that “could be.” Think of it as “cheerleading.”

AFFIRMATION, on the other hand, looks backward. It confirms something that has already happened and been observed.

“Affirmation is truthfully declaring by complimentary word or action the goodness of something. Good affirmation attests, certifies, or confirms that which honors God, that which is morally upright.”

Sam Crabtree, Practicing Affirmation (page 132)

BLESSING, ENCOURAGEMENT, & AFFIRMATION

As we look a little more closely at our definitions, we see that:

  • Not all blessings affirm.
  • Not all encouragements are affirmations.
  • Affirmation is a particular type of blessing.
  • Affirmation is a particular type of encouragement.

In short, one way to bless our grandchildren is to offer them encouragement, and one way to encourage them is through affirmation.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO AFFIRM OUR GRANDCHILDREN?

  1. The ongoing practice of affirmation earns us a hearing. Our grandchildren are much more willing to listen to us when they have been the recipients of refreshment and hope extended by us.
  2. Affirmation lifts their spirits.
  3. Our words of affirmation motivate and incentivize our grandchildren.
  4. When we make the affirming of our grandchildren a habit, we are easier to live with. We become someone they want to be around.
  5. Being an affirmer changes us. As we make a practice of looking for evidence of God’s grace and character in our grandchildren, we move from being complain-ers to commend-ers which improves our disposition and emotional state. We become more positive.
  6. God-centered affirmation illuminates the character of God, which teaches our grandchildren and honors Him.
  7. When we affirm our grandchildren, God is glorified.

HOW DO WE AFFIRM?

  • Make eye contact.
  • Speak in a manner that is uplifting.
  • Touch your grandchildren in ways that are appropriate, safe, and welcoming.
  • Share stories, especially your stories.
  • Draw them in to your exclusive grandparent/grandchild circle.
  • Learn to be interrupted by your grandchildren. When we drop what we are doing for them, it demonstrates their importance and value.

CHARACTERISTICS OF GOOD AFFIRMATIONS

Good affirmations are:

  1. Detached from correction. As a classroom teacher, I always heard that when meeting with a student’s parent it was best to begin with the positive. To look for something to commend the student for before hitting the parent with the negative (correction). That might be a way to “cushion” the correction, but it doesn’t work if affirmation is your aim. Corrections contaminate and weaken our affirmations, canceling them out.
  2. Ongoing. There must be a steady stream of affirmation. Our silence and random spurts do not refresh or motivate our grandchildren. They do not honor. Affirmation done correctly takes time. Plan it. Schedule it.
  3. Honest. Phony, false affirmations do not build up. Learn to be an observer of your grandchildren and offer truthful affirmations. Commend only the commendable.
  4. God-centered. Pay attention. Look for godly characteristics to commend. The purpose of our affirmations is to glorify God by refreshing and motivating our grandchildren as we go about discipling them.

The words we wield make a powerful impact on the lives of our grandchildren (and our adult children). If our longing is to build strong relationships with our grandchildren and to pass them a heritage of faith in Christ, we must be about the intentional business of Practicing God-centered Affirmation.

www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.

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Don’t Fear the Teenage Years!

by Russell Moore
written by Russell Moore

Parents of teenagers: are you excited or panicked about your kids? Dr. Russell Moore pens words of encouragement for you today!

“I noticed in my social media archive app that one year ago I had posted on Twitter the following words: “Parents of small children, don’t let people fill you with dread about ‘just wait till the teenage years.’ We find these years a source of joy, and even fun. I’ve been a teenager, and I’ve parented teenagers. This is the better part.” I stand by those words. Here’s why.

To some degree, what I was combatting with this message is a much larger reality. I tell couples in premarital counseling all the time not to listen to people who will say, “Just wait until that first year of marriage; the fighting is awful.” And I tell newlywed couples not to pay attention to those who say, “Yeah, you’re happy now; just wait until the honeymoon’s over…until you have kids…until…” There’s a certain sort of personality that just likes to cast any stage of what seems like happiness as naïve ignorance just on the precipice of being disillusioned by cynicism. For almost everyone, that’s best disregarded. When it comes to the prospect of teenage children, though, that’s maybe especially pronounced.

Most of us, when our children are small, are nervous about the teenage years, if we think about them at all. Some of that is because we have learned that parenting is harder than we thought, and with the teenage years, the stakes just seem higher. A toddler throwing a temper tantrum is a problem, but a sixteen year-old with a DUI is a crisis. A kindergartener who isn’t invited to a classmate’s birthday party is sad, but a teenager who is pregnant is a tragedy.

Add to that the truth that most of us don’t remember clearly all the states of mind that we had as toddlers, but almost all of us remember with clarity what it’s like to be a teenager. As a matter of fact, most of us feel internally just as we did when we were sixteen or seventeen years-old, just with, one hopes, a better perspective on what matters, less hormonal chaos going on inside, and a lot less energy. We know how thrilling those high school moments can be, and how dangerous too. Those who rebelled as teenagers, think about what they did and what could now happen with their children. Those of us who didn’t rebel that much, think about the life trajectories of some we know who did, and tremble to think of such happening to our children.

But, above all of that, I think the reason for parental anxiety about the teenage years is what psychologists call “imposter syndrome.” When we were teenagers, we implicitly trusted (even if we rebelled against it) that there were grown-ups around who were responsible and who could fix our catastrophes if needed. Now, suddenly it seems, we are those grown-ups, and we realize that we don’t have the confident wisdom and competence we assumed came along with adulthood. We are responsible, the stakes are high, and we have fewer tools in our repertoire to deal with people who physically look and sound more or less like adults, who can make adult-size messes out of their lives, but whose brains and consciences are far from adulthood.

If that’s you, calm down. Like any form of imposter syndrome, this is just a comparison of your reality to some imaginary ideal, to which no one ever attained. Your parents felt the same way when you were fourteen years old, and their parents did when they were.

Yes, the teenage years are a time of transition and sometimes tumult. Adolescents are seeking to figure out how to differentiate themselves from their parents in some ways, to figure out what belongs to them and what is merely part of their family inheritance. That’s normal, and it’s not a repudiation of you. Yes, awful things can happen. That’s true at any age, just in different ways.

As Wendell Berry put it, “Children, no matter how nurtured at home, must be risked to the world. And parenthood is not an exact science, but a vexed privilege and a blessed trial, absolutely necessary and not altogether possible.” A vexed privilege and a blessed trial—yes indeed; everything worth experiencing in this cross-shaped world is just that.

In those teenage years, you can start to see a glimpse of who your children will be as adults. You can see God preparing them to go out into the world. You can see their hearts broken, and have yours broken along with them. But you can see their hearts alive with grace and wonder too. That means vulnerability. Love always does. But in that vulnerable love are signs of joy.

Don’t the fear the teenage years. And don’t take them for granted either. They, like life itself, are a vapor, that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.”

www.russellmoore.com. Original article HERE.

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A Report Card from Our Kids

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

Pastor John Beeson and his wife Angel are amazing parents. But, like most parents, they wanted to know what their teenage kids thought about their parenting skills. This is what they said:

“We have two wonderful teenage kids. Camille is 16 and Soren is 14. It’s hard to believe that adulthood is just a few years off for both of them. With their elementary years not too far in the rearview mirror and adulthood not too far ahead of them, we asked our kids if they would share what they thought we have done best and where we could improve.

What follows is a Beeson living room chat. I hope by listening in you can benefit from both our highlight and blooper reels.

Their list at times converges with our perspective of our strengths and weakness and at times diverges. I didn’t ask for a certain number of positives and negatives and didn’t edit their list, but I did add comments after each item.

What our kids said we did best (their words are in bold):

1.       Trusting us and giving us freedom (you’re not helicopter parents).

I’m so glad to see this on their list. We’ve given far less freedom than some parents, but we have been intentional in these past few years to release our kids in order to prepare them for adulthood. If they merely perform a certain way at home but immediately stop behaving that way once they leave for college, then our parenting was in vain.

2.       Supporting us in our passions.

We’ve tried to cultivate the giftings God has given Camille and Soren and help them understand God’s call on them to steward their strengths.

3.       Preparing us for the future.

We’ve tried to help our kids develop skills such as hard work, responsibility, and organization that will serve them their entire lives. We’ve also coached them to discern which of their giftings are more likely to be of their vocational calling and which are more likely to be avocational interests that they can enjoy as lifelong hobbies.

4.       Letting us learn from our mistakes.

I’m glad Camille and Soren think that we’ve allowed them to learn from their mistakes. Although honestly, I think we can pull back even more to let them learn from their mistakes. As a parent it’s difficult to allow your kids to experience the consequences of their decisions. A parent’s natural impulse is to protect their kids from poor choices. But Camille and Soren are right that learning from their mistakes is the best way to learn. Our hope is that we continue to grow in making space for our children to learn from their mistakes.

5.       Giving us freedom to not be perfect.

This is so important that our children know this. And it leads their final comment…

6.       Being transparent (teaching us to not keep secrets).

This starts with us modeling repentance. From when our kids were young, we’ve worked hard to acknowledge our wrongs in front of them. We ask for forgiveness when we sin against our kids. In a way that suits their maturity, we’ve shared our fears and our difficulties. And we’ve done everything we can to make it safe for the kids to share their secrets.

What our kids said we could do better:

1.       (Soren) Letting me feel like my opinions matter and have an impact.

Soren is right. I need to create space for him to voice his opinion, even when I disagree. I know that for Soren to really grow in wisdom, that wisdom has to be earned and owned personally. As a parent of young children, it is appropriate to ask for obedience with limited explanation. As our children mature, we need to provide stronger explanations for what we are asking of them, and even provide space for them to disagree with us.

2.       (Camille) Not forcing “moments.”

Camille’s further explanation: When you are a teenager you do not, (at least I do not) want to fit into a certain stereotype. I am super grateful for the sweet memories and moments my family has had, and I am super blessed to have such an amazing family. But the older I get the more grateful my parents are for those sweet moments. And often they will continually voice their gratitude about those sweet moments. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! Except sometimes(as a teenager), it makes those moments seemed forced, and now I feel pressured to be in, or create those perfect moments. That “perfect family” stereotype is so often fake and forced, and although I know our family is natural and real, when the gratitude is constant it makes it feel like those moments were forced. I am not sure if that made any sense, and I do not exactly know what you could do as parents to avoid that, but that is the only time I feel uncomfortable with something in our family.

This feedback is a surprise! It’s helpful to be able to crawl into Camille’s mind and hear how she processes these moments. I understand her fear of any feeling of being forced to have a certain moment or be a certain type of family. As parents, we’ve tried to emphasize gratitude and making sure that we live in the special moments God gives us, but I hear what Camille is saying here, that we have to be careful that we don’t force those moments.

I hope listening in on this family conversation helps you as you consider what you’ve done best and worst as a parent. Maybe this is a conversation you would benefit from having with your children, whatever their age.

May we all grow as moms and dads, learning to reflect our Heavenly Father’s perfect parenting of us more and more.”

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Fifteen Important Questions to Ask Your Grandchildren

by Deborah Haddix
written by Deborah Haddix

Questions are powerful! Ask a well-crafted question and you can open up a closed-mouthed child, build relationship, and explore the depths of your thoughts. Question-asking can also help you reflect, learn and move forward.

Here are 15 Importantl Questions Every Grandparent Needs to Ask

1. Do I have clarity on the purpose for my grandparenting?

Culture is full of powerful messages for grandparents. Messages that spotlight independence and self-indulgence. That is not, however, the message we get from the Bible. When we search its pages, we find that grandparents were created by God to play a crucial role in the spiritual development of their grandchildren.

2. Am I engaging in intentional soul care?

Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children—  Deuteronomy 4:9 3. Do my grandchildren see by my attitudes, words, and actions that Jesus is my greatest treasure?

4. Are my conversations with my grandchildren God-saturated?

5. Has my grandchild placed faith in Jesus?

6. Is my grandchild growing spiritually?

7. What troubles, trials, or temptations is my grandchild facing?

8. What do my grandchildren believe to be true? Is the Bible shaping their worldview?

Many, many children today, even those raised in Christian homes, do not know what the Bible teaches. Additionally, many are unable to explain or defend their faith. There is no question, our grandchildren are going to face strong opposition and competing belief systems. Am I helping my grandchildren base their beliefs, values, and assumptions on the Bible?

9. Does my grandparenting aim for behavior modification or heart transformation?

It’s so easy to haul out a list of do’s and don’ts when we are with our grandchildren. After all, we all want to be the grandparent of the well-behaved child. However, true and lasting change doesn’t come from behavior modification. It comes through a transformation of the heart. Am I, as a grandparent, aiming for the heart?

10. Am I grandparenting in a way that helps my grandchildren grow in their love for God and love for others?

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”  


Matthew 22:37-40

11. Do I engage in regular times of prayer for my grandchildren?

12. Do my grandchildren know my God-stories?

God-stories are to be retold. When you share your stories with your grandchildren, they hear of His work and learn of His nature. Your stories are for the purpose of glorifying God and pointing your grandchildren to Him.

13. What things am I doing to show my love and my care to my family members?

14. How much time and energy am I devoting to my adult children? To my grandchildren?

[T]hat you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son’s son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long.  

Deuteronomy 6:2

Grandparents have been given a dual role. One that focuses on both children and grandchildren.

15. Am I helping them to get to know God?

www.deborahhaddix.com.

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Is it Ever Wrong to Praise Your Child?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

“May the Lord cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that boasts!” Psalm 12:3 NET

We live in a time where parents feel they have to praise everything kids do; no matter what. Whether they make a good effort, a poor effort, a mediocre effort; they get praised. It’s the mentality that everybody on the team gets a trophy. “Everybody’s a winner,” nobody loses. We live in society where kids view reward as their right. Many want to start at the top and not at the bottom. And why wouldn’t they? Just look at the world they live in…

 

·       Teachers asking their students to call them by their first name.

·       Schools eliminating the honor of having a Valedictorian from graduation ceremonies.

·       High school district policies that dictate a teacher can’t give a grade less than 61%

·       Little leaguers that strike out, followed by the shrieking voice “Great at bat!”

Today parents are driven to make sure their child is happy at every turn.  Now, let me give you just a little quick teaching on praise versus encouragement. Your child has just walked through the door with all A’s on their report card:

THE PRAISING PARENT

The praising parent makes their child’s happiness the all-important goal of their parenting. We really believe in America that praise is good for children. These ideas of enforcing fairness and protecting feelings grew out of the “Great self-esteem movement.” We were dooped by social do-gooders, psychologists, and self-help professionals that it was imperative for kids to feel good about themselves! For proper development, the child must feel good regardless of his effort or ability. While it is important for children to have a healthy self-esteem, we have praised our children into weakness. They now expect that they will always win, always receive praise, and always be rewarded for trying (vs. succeeding).

When the praising parent’s child comes home with all A’s, the response may look like this, “”Oh, we are so proud of you–you are just the best kid in the world, thank you so much for doing that!  Here’s $20 dollar bill!!”

This is verbal praise combined with a financial reward.  I can hear it now… “What’s wrong with that?”  This is our society’s failed practice of assigning a dollar value to outcomes. You’re conditioning your child to choose activities that have financial reward, and developing the expectation that they SHOULD receive a financial reward when they do something they are expected to do!  Praise goes right to the actor, where encouragement goes to the act.
If you want your children to feel good about themselves how about a different approach?

THE ENCOURAGING PARENT

The encouraging parent promotes a child’s self esteem from the inside out. So this time when little Buford walks in the door with straight A’s, the encouraging parent says, “Wow good job! It’s clear to me that you really enjoy learning. It looks like all the hard work and studying you have done this past semester has really paid off! That must make you feel real good inside!”  Do you see the difference. It’s subtle, It’s not, “Oh, what a wonderful kid you are.” It’s, “Your effort, your extra studying has really paid off.”

That is the difference between praise & reward, and true parental encouragement. Your child needs that encouragement–Vitamin E if you will–and you are the best provider of it.

This week look for ways that you can encourage your kids without going over the top and praising them.  So next time, when Buford strikes out…you might greet him with a simple, “Hey, rough day at the plate, eh? 0 for 3. Hey, you know, I’m going to be home early on Thursday night and Wednesday night, too. Come to think of it, if you would like me to take you down to the park and throw you some pitches, I’d be more than glad to do that, if you think that would help.”

Go be an encourager.  Want to listen to me speak on this topic, click here.

www.birthorderguy.com. Used by permission.

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3 Necessities to Teach Your Child Before the Age of 5

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Children are like wet cement.

 

If you’ve ever worked with wet cement or seen someone work with it, it does harden up pretty quickly and so it is with the personalities of our kids. If you want to put this to test in your life, here’s a suggestion around the dinner table. Parents, ask your son or daughter that’s a teenager to describe themselves as a little kid, and just sit back and listen. And listen to the adjectives that they use to describe their personality. And then ask yourself the question, “Did they not just name and enumerate the qualities that they now have at 15, 16, 17 years of age?”

 

At age two, about 20 to 40% of your kid’s personality is already formed. That’s frightening. Three, 60%. Four, 80%. Five, nearly 100%. So we take this topic on today. And by the way, just for everyone’s enjoyment. I hate the question that Doug asked me today. It’s name the three. Let me tell you, it could be name the 17 things that are important to teach your child before they harden up, so to speak.

 

1. ESTABLISH YOUR AUTHORITY IN THE HOME WITH THAT CHILD THAT’S UNDER FIVE.

 

Well, what does that mean? It means you’re not their friend, you’re not their best buddy, you’re not their playmate. You’re mom, you’re dad. You come with a presence of love and acceptance and all the hugs and kisses and all those things. Please, I’m not taking anything out away. Do that as much as you want, but you have to learn as kids develop before your very eyes, what’s developmentally appropriate behavior and what isn’t.

 

Some parents think that their two-year old is going to do everything they ask them to do in double time and salute them as well. It doesn’t work that way with two-year olds. The kid just begins to get powerful around age 18 months and that’s when he begins to, and she begins to look at life from behind their rose colored glasses, or at least their skewed blends, and they see life as, “My playground. I’m the center of the universe. I want. It’s mine.” And you’ll get the mine, all the way through the threes. So kids are very hedonistic.

 

Do you let a 17-month old hit you or a 19-month old hit you? No you don’t. Well, what do you do, Leman? You hold their arms. You’re the adult. Act like an adult, “Honey, we don’t hit people.” So you’re always teaching. And this is three steps forward and two behind. Go back to my earlier statement. This isn’t the military. You don’t issue a dictate and the kids follow in. It takes training. And because different kids come into this world with different mindsets, sort of a build-in personality if you will genetically, you’ve got kids that come out of the womb strong-willed. They got a little bit more fight in them than the guy next to them. So is there an art form to all this? It is. But I think overall number one is establishing your authority.

If you’re an authoritarian, you’ll crush your kid. You’ll tell them what to do, how to do it, and do it on a double. That’s the authoritarian model.

 

Here’s the problem.

 

All of us essentially grew up in an authoritarian environment. If you’re really a young mom today, you’re that 20 year old, 21, 22-year-old, maybe your home was not that authoritarian. My guess would be it would be more permissive, because we have certainly moved traditionally from our authoritarian stance to one of permissiveness. And so again, if you love your child, you’ll discipline them. That is a biblical concept. Well, how do you discipline a two year old? I mean, do you swat them on the bottom? I don’t think that’s good. I think you’re just going to make them a more powerful kid.

 

But I think you give them the look, a look of disapproval, you pick them up, you may move them from the scene. Sometimes you put them in a little playpen, which reminds me of the old song “Don’t Fence Me In”. There’s something great about fencing in a kid quite frankly. There’s a time where a kid realizes, “Hey, wait, you’re way over bouncy. You need time just to settle down.”

 

And so that’s part of the disciplinary process. But as kids get into the threes and the fours, trust me, they know what they’re doing. I mean, they’re setting you up. They’re playing you like a violin. So being an authority is always part of being loving and empathetic. So we’re not taking any of that away from you as a parent. We’re just saying you just can’t get frustrated. You’re the adult. You have to control your emotions. And kids will test your emotions and your patience and if you just strike out at your child, then you’re certainly going down the wrong path quickly.

 

2. LISTENING.

 

Most of us as adults are not good listeners, and here I am saying that number two behind established authority is to teach kids to listen. Well, we train kids essentially in our society not to listen. How do we do that? Well, we do it by telling most kids at least three times when we ask a question. And we say, “Honey, would you do this?” Or it’s time to get ready or turn off the television or pick up your shoes or whatever the command might be. The kids sort of train us to say it three times. I’ve asked kids straight out how many times doe it take for mom or dad to get you to do something. Most kids will say three.

 

One kid, I’ll never forget him, he said, “The first time is sort of a general alert. The second one is she raises the voice a little bit more and a third time, oh, you can see it in her eyes. She means business.” And so we try and kids do not to listen to us. It’s important that you get kids’ attention, that you look them in the eye, that you drop to the knees. If there’s a problem, you need to talk about it and you’re going to speak the truth in love.

 

I know you’re talking to a two year old or three year old or a four year old, but again, keep in mind once a kid hits 18 months, they know what they’re doing. They engage in what we call purposive behavior. It serves a purpose in their life. It might be just as simple a mantra in the kid’s mind as, “I want things done the way I want things done.”

 

Remember you’re training up a kid to realize that other people count in life.

 

That’s why you say to a three year old, “Honey, thank you for sharing that with your little sister.” You know what I’m saying? This is not a one, two, three, here it is. This is an ongoing shaping of the child’s behavior, attitude, as they unfold through the developmental years.

 

Most of us as adults are not good listeners, and here I am saying that number two behind established authority is to teach kids to listen. Well, we train kids essentially in our society not to listen.

 

How do we do that?

 

Well, we do it by telling most kids at least three times when we ask a question. And we say, “Honey, would you do this?” Or it’s time to get ready or turn off the television or pick up your shoes or whatever the command might be. The kids sort of train us to say it three times. I’ve asked kids straight out how many times doe it take for mom or dad to get you to do something. Most kids will say three.

 

One kid, I’ll never forget him, he said, “The first time is sort of a general alert. The second one is she raises the voice a little bit more and a third time, oh, you can see it in her eyes. She means business.” And so we try and kids not to listen to us and what I’m saying is it’s important that you get kids’ attention, that you look them in the eye, that you drop to the knees. If there’s a problem, you need to talk about it and you’re going to speak the truth in love. I know you’re talking to a two year old or three year old or a four year old, but again, keep in mind once a kid hits 18 months, they know what they’re doing. They engage in what we call purposive behavior. It serves a purpose in their life. It might be just as simple a mantra in the kid’s mind as, “I want things done the way I want things done.”

 

You’re training up a kid to realize that other people count in life.

 

That’s why you say to a three year old, “Honey, thank you for sharing that with your little sister.” You know what I’m saying? This is not a one, two, three, here it is. This is an ongoing shaping of the child’s behavior, attitude, as they unfold through the developmental years.

 

3. LET YOUR YES BE YES AND YOUR NO BE NO.

 

That reeks of consistency, and by the way, when we talked earlier about establishing authority, it’s really important and I hope it’s just super obvious that mom and dad must be on the same page. If you’re a single parent and listening to us, I would say make sure that you are extremely consistent with how you deal with your kids. And let your yes be yes and your no be no, I think helps number two and that is train kids to listen to you.

 

I think when they know that when you say no, they’re not going to come by and bug you 14 times. They only come by and bug you 14 times when you waiver. When you say, “No, you are absolutely not doing that.” And then you cave in five hours later and give them permission to go to wherever they wanted to go and give them $20 for spending money to boot.

 

Think before you engage in that yes or no.

 

I think a great answer for kids these days, if you’re a parent is, “Honey, let me talk to dad or mom about that. Let me have some time to think about it. And in fact on that one I’d like to pray about it. So if I got back to you tomorrow, would that be good? Could we talk about it again?”

 

Again, most kids will accept that because you’re being respectful, you’re listening to them, but don’t always feel like you have to pony up that yes or no immediately. Now again, I know kids are hedonistic. My granddaughter’s parents wouldn’t drive her to a fair they had on the other side of town, which was about a 45-minute drive. And both of them have very busy schedules, and it was a Sunday evening, schools the next day, and both of them said no.

 

Well, what does granddaughter do?

 

She gets on the phone. She tried to find grandma, but grandma wasn’t available. So she started with grandpa. She would always start with grandma first because grandma’s an easy touch. Grandpa’s not the easy touch that grandma is. And I just told her, I said, “Honey, I wish I could help you out, but honey I really can’t.” And then of course, eventually she got grandma and even grandma, old softhearted turned her down and said, “Honey, next week if you want me to take you someplace, I’d be glad to.”

 

That’s the immediacy of kids thinking. As a parent, you’ve got to slow that down. You know that. You just can’t cave and try to attend to every need your kid has because what they need is not really a need. It’s what they want. There’s a difference of what you want and what you need. So that’s why God gave us parents.

 

Some parents are thinking, well what’s wrong with promising a kid something, and give them something to look forward to? Well, there’s a lot of wrong with it for this reason. Is your car going to be working? Is it going to be raining? Does somebody have the flu in the family? I mean, don’t go there. You don’t have to promise kids things. You can always say, “Honey we’re going to take it a day at a time. We’ll see what the weekend brings. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be able to pull that off.” So don’t paint yourself in the corner, is what I’m saying?

 

Three essential necessities we should have trained in our kids before they are five:

 

  • Establish authority as a parent.
  • Train them to listen to you
  • Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

www.birthorderguy.com. Listen to the podcast HERE. 

 

 

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Let Wise People Help You!

by Lysa TerKeurst
written by Lysa TerKeurst

Lysa TerKeurst shares the secret of wisdom in “Wisdom Together:”

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13 (NIV)

For all of their lives, my children have known a secret. When circumstances fall apart, there is a safe place. Their mom’s arms. More than a hug, this place beats with the gentle rhythm of a heart that feels what they feel. So they bring what they can’t bear to experience alone into this place. And we reconnect.
So, when my daughter crawled into my arms at 3 a.m. several years ago, I knew. Trouble had found its way into her heart. A boy, whom she thought would handle her heart gently, didn’t. Her crush, crushed her.
She felt it all so deeply. And while I could see it was all for the best, I hurt for her with her split-open heart, because she’s mine — my girl who couldn’t sleep, so she slipped into my bed to be near the rhythmic heartbeat she’s known since she was conceived.
And in the quiet middle of the night, I held her. I brushed her long brown hair off her tear-streaked face. I kissed the wet salt on her cheeks. And I whispered, “I love you.”
And she knew I was safe. Her safe place to run and find when the world got wild and cruel and heartbreakingly mean.
The next morning, she showed me the source of her middle-of-the-night anguish: a text message from him. His words were from a heart entangled with immaturity and his own sources of hurt. He wasn’t a bad person. He was young. And sometimes young means incapable of handling situations the right way.
I understand that. Age has given me that gift. But my young girl did not understand. She took the words like daggers to the heart. And cried.
She handed me the phone.
“Help me reply.”
There we sat in the midst of poached eggs and toast crumbs, talking together, thinking together, replying together.
Together is a really good word. Together is what we need when we hit tough patches in life.
No matter what hard place we find ourselves in, feeling alone can make us vulnerable to bad decisions. Hard places can so easily make us want to default to our feelings rather than to wisdom as our guide. That’s not the best time to make a decision. Especially not alone.
I suspect if you’re in a tough place, it probably feels more significant than a teenage heartbreak. I understand. I’ve been there. And I’ll probably be there again. And when we’re there, we have to be honest that we’re not in the place to make big decisions right then. Maybe we’re not even in the place to make decisions on simple requests from others.
This doesn’t make you bad or incapable. It makes you smart. Smart enough to know to pause and take extra time when life takes on extenuating circumstances that are hard.
In this pause from decisions, go to your safe place. When the world beats you down, open up your Bible. Let His sentences finish yours. Let truth walk before you like a guide on a dark path.
And also go to someone in your sphere of influence whom you know is wise. How do we know whom to go to? The Bible makes it clear: “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom” (James 3:13).
Yes, let these wise people help you. Stand on top of their wisdom when you feel shaky with your own. When we can rise up on the wisdom of others and get a new view of our situations, our next steps seem a little clearer.
Father, thank You for the help You surround me with — not only in Your Word, but also with the people You place in my life. Give me the wisdom to reach out for help when I need it. And make me aware of those around me who are hurting and could use Your hope. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

https://lysaterkeurst.com/ 

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How and Why We Allowed Our Teen to Join Instagram

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

One of our favorite games as a family is called Oh Heck. You might know it as Up and Down the River. The reason this simple card game is so great is that while the rules of the game remain the same, every hand there is a different trump and a different number of cards. Throw in the fact that you can play the game with anywhere from two to seven players, and every game is different.

That feels a lot like parenting a child in 2019. The only thing that is the same is that everything is always changing.

In April our fifteen year old daughter asked if she could create an Instagram account. We said yes.

When is the right time to let your child engage in social media? More broadly, how do you parent children relating to technology?

A friend of ours, Diana Henderson, recently created a very helpful video tutorial called Tech in the Home: A Survival Guide for Parents. In it she expresses the struggle of so many parents. Like Diana we were parents who envisioned ourselves as creating a technology free home. We wouldn’t let screens have an undue influence in our children’s lives. We didn’t want them to be our babysitters, we didn’t want our children addicted to video games and social media.

What we discovered was that the rules kept changing underneath our feet, both because of the constantly changing landscape of technology as well as the maturity of our kids.

We are far from the exemplars of parenting well in the midst of the ever changing technological culture, but I want to share some of the best things we’ve learned along the way and point you to Diana’s videos as a great resource to help sharpen your parenting in this area.

1)      Create some hard and fast rules.

Get unity as parents as what the basic rules of the home will be. Our rules changed at different ages, but whether it is only one show on weekdays, or technology only comes after reading and chores, or no cell phones before age X, or only pre-approved TV shows and video games, you need to be united as parents. I guarantee you whatever rules you create your kids will immediately begin testing them. They will discover the weaknesses of your systems. So be thoughtful and reasonable about the rules you set up. I believe that monitoring/blocking is a must in any home today. It’s better to set up a set of rules that is more lax that you will actually enforce than to set up an idealized list of rules that will never be followed.

2)      Focus on the heart, not the rules.

Rules are helpful, but don’t make them the master. What you care about are your children’s hearts. You are helping shape citizens. You are training their affections. One day your children will have autonomy. What will happen then? If you’ve created children who perfectly obey an idealized set of rules only to leave for college and throw themselves into endless hours of gaming, then you haven’t succeeded. How can you help your children internalize the heartbeat of the rules you have created? How can you help create healthy ruts in their habits and desires? I would rather have my children fail at home and walk through that failure with them than have them show outward compliance while inwardly they are chafing.

One of our children is particularly drawn to technology. We are constantly working to figure out how to tweak the rules and reframe the message so that, by God’s grace, it hits the heart.

Parents also have a responsibility to appropriately care and protect the hearts of their children. The research on the impact of social media on the hearts of teens, particularly girls, is sobering. With that in mind, we allowed our children to have access to texting only for family members and friends approved by us long before we allowed social media to enter into the picture. The negative impact of teen girls in particular of feeling judged by others and feeling the pressure of conforming to societal expectations regarding body image is sobering.

The reality, however, is that we are not going to roll back the reality of social media in the lives of our children. It will be part of what it means to be a human being for the rest of the 21st Century. Just as I don’t believe I can appropriately pastor a congregation while being disengaged from social media today, I know that my kids will need to learn how to utilize this technology that has great capacity for good and evil. And, in the midst of the world we live in, we must help our children become wise, strong, and righteous digital citizens. They must eventually learn how live faithfully in both the real and the digital world.

3)      Producing vs. consuming.

I learned a lot from Diana on this framework. In her Survival Guide, Diana has us consider that technology itself can be used creatively for producing or passively for consuming. We need to be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. How can we encourage productive use of technology? Our son (13 years old) recently has been working on a play with a friend from school on a shared Google document. That is a creative and wonderfully productive use of technology.

Likewise, we want to encourage our children to foster their gifts in creative ways by things like learning how to create and edit videos, design graphics, etc. I’m not doing my job as a parent if I don’t help prepare them for a 21st Century workforce where these productive tools may well be important aspects of their vocation.

Our son recently joined the tech team at church. It has been so fun to watch him dive into learning about media presentation and lighting. He is using his love of technology to serve Christ’s body and learning great skills along the way.

We continue to have all of these conversations with our kids and have found that the conversations themselves are invaluable. When our daughter came to us and asked about being on Instagram, she encouraged us to monitor how it was impacting her. She said that she had two reasons for wanting to join: first, maintaining her friendships in New Jersey; second, sharing what she produces as an artist (she’s a great artist). So, this time, we said yes. We recognize that the rules are different for each of our kids and for you and your kids. We recognize we’ve failed as much as we’ve succeeded. And we recognize that this is the messy world of parenting today. But in that, we also don’t fear. God is still in control and he is going to be praised in our successes and failures as parents.

What have you learned as you have raised your kids in a technologically saturated world?

www.thebeehive.live. Used by permission.

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Screen Accountability for Your Teen: 5 Keys to Keep Them Safe

by Luke Gilkerson
written by Luke Gilkerson

We talk to a lot of parents who want to protect their children from pornography. But what should you do when your teenagers push back when you suggest accountability software?

We received an email recently from a parent with two teenagers who object to putting Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability™ on their computers and iPhones. They claim they have nothing to hide about what they are doing online, and they think the whole thing is “weird, invasive, and implies we don’t trust them.” Should Mom and Dad just put their foot down and insist on it? More importantly, how should they teach their kids from the Bible about the value of accountability in the home?

After surveying a number of Christian counselors, pastors, parents, and teens, I compiled a number of wise principles and action steps for parents to take.

1. Lead by Example.

“Mom and Dad need to live this out before they can lead it,” says Chris Spradlin, founder of EpicParent.tv. “I would recommend that Mom and Dad first get Covenant Eyes installed on their phones and computer.”

When everyone in the home uses accountability software on their devices, teens are less likely to feel like they are being singled out. Lisa Cherry, author of Unmask the Predators, says parents should approach their children this way:

“The Lord has convicted me of the importance of safety and accountability in our family. Because of that, I voluntarily make all of our Internet activities accountable to our entire family system. I need accountability on my computers. In this age when so many adults, children, and teens are becoming lured online, it is simply prudent to make sure all of our activities are in the highest light.”

It is essential that a parent’s leadership in this is genuine: don’t use personal accountability merely as a pretense to spy on your kids. Teens are too smart to fall for that.

2. You’re Right, I Don’t Trust You.

Children’s pastor Dan Deyling offers some sobering advice to parents. “Their cries of ‘You don’t trust me!’ should be met with ‘You are right; and you should not trust yourself either.’” For kids in the church, this should be Christianity 101: human hearts are deceptively sinful. And for young men and women today, sexual temptation online is one of the most prevailing issues we face.

Jacqueline Anderson, now a college student at Heritage Bible College, grew up with Covenant Eyes in her home. When her dad first introduced his family to the software, she was taken aback by it. “I was a teen when my dad put the software on our computers and remember initially feeling like I was being accused of something I was not guilty of.” But her dad explained that this was a change the whole family was making to keep each other accountable as responsible adults and young adults. “None of us should think ourselves above temptation,” Jacqueline says. “I should not think myself above the temptation of porn and should be thankful for a godly person in my life willing to keep me accountable for what my eyes see online.”

Sherry Allchin, a Biblical counselor in Arlington Heights, Illinois, agrees. “I’d reverse the question to the boys this way: ‘Why would you trust yourselves in this arena, considering how many men fall to pornography—men who are not bad men, per se, but men who accidentally or otherwise got into bad stuff through the Internet and now are hooked?’”

As for feeling distrusted, teens must learn that trust is something earned. “I understand the issue because our girls have gone through that, too,” says Jennie Bishop, author of Planned Purity. “But they’ve earned our trust through keeping things open to us and through us having their passwords.”

Using accountability on our devices reminds of our humanness and weakness. When we begin thinking we are the exception, we are stepping on thin ice. Pride comes before a fall. “Porn is pervasive and extremely addicting, and no one is immune, no matter how good or self-controlled they think they are,” reminds Bishop. “Covenant Eyes is about knowing ourselves, and being prepared,” says Allchin. “What an amazing reminder on a computer or cell phone for any young man!”

3. Frame Accountability in the Right Light.

Sometimes the very word “accountability” can have a negative or even accusatory tone to it. Rick Thomas of Counseling Solutionssays, “Rather than use the word ‘accountability,’ which doesn’t fully connote what Mom wants to communicate, a better way to frame the situation is ‘biblical care’ or ‘serving one another.’ She wants to care for her sons.”

The New Testament is full of “one another” passages, providing parents with rich discussion material for how we are meant to care for each other. Honor one another. Edify one another. Admonish one another. Serve one another. Bear each other’s burdens. Confess your sins to one another.

Screen Accountability should be seen in this light. A parent is saying, in essence, “Sex is a real temptation, and I want to serve you by putting Covenant Eyes on the computers. This will help to guard your hearts,” says Thomas.

Joe Bilotti, a student at Carson Newman College, knows this might be a hard lesson for a teen to swallow. Bilotti knows from his own experience, when he was a teenager he put up some resistance to his mom wanting to “protect” him online. But now he understands things differently. “Setting up guardrails is not a way to be ‘mean’ or ‘blindly authoritative,’” he says. Bilotti and his father are accountability partners through Covenant Eyes, and he knows the personal benefit this brings. “My Dad and I know that our battle for purity is not being fought alone, but that he and I can each help ‘consider how to stir up one another to love and good works’” (Hebrews 10:24).

4. Be the Parent.

“Relationship and engagement with our kids is vital, but that relationship has to be parent/child, not just a friendship,” Jennie Bishop informs parents. “Sometimes making our kids holy has to supersede making them happy.”

The pages of Scripture are filled with this message. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 gives a challenging picture of just how comprehensive parenting needs to be: teach diligently, talk constantly, and always point them to the wide-ranging implications and applications of the greatest commandment. Today, this must include training about how we use the Internet.

Internet accountability can seem out of place if parents are permissive in others areas. “When children are encouraged to ‘live their own lives’ when it comes to their social life, driving activities, and daily schedules, entering into supervisory control in the world of electronics seems strange,” says Lisa Cherry.

“I am teaching parents to be very cautious about giving any electronic devices to a child with the assumption of complete privacy,” Cherry warns. “We are raising a generation that believes that they have a right to complete privacy online.”

Parents must straddle the tension of being too permissive or too authoritarian: they must make it clear they will monitor where their kids go and impart clear rules, while at the same time being warm and giving increased levels of autonomy as their teens get older.

Dan Deyling reminds parents of the story of Eli in 1 Samuel 2-4. He was judged primarily because he would not hold his sons accountable to their actions. “To allow unfettered internet access to her sons is to put a temptation and stumbling block in front of her sons. Jesus says, ‘Woe to the one through the temptation comes’ (Luke 17:1).”

Parents must not let a spirit of rebellion to go unchecked. “If these boys have a relationship with God,” asks Deyling, “why are they pushing back when someone—especially their mom!—suggests a plan to help them come against one of the prevailing sins of our culture? Mom should ask them that.”

(Deyling also believes dads should be taking the lead in this area. “If dad is in the picture, he should be doing this. This is a hard burden for a mom.”)

5. Apologize for Playing Catch-Up.

If parents are just now trying to implement changes in the home when their teens are older, this will be a difficult transition. Lisa Cherry offers some words parents can say:

“I believe I have made a mistake and given us all the impression that we are somehow not accountable for our behavior online. As you become older and get married, accountability in your family will be very important. Husbands and wives need to believe they can always pick up each other’s cell phone or check each other’s e-mail and never be surprised. Therefore, it is my job to help you develop that level of maturity at a young age. I believe I’ve made a mistake in allowing you to grow an independent spirit that will make it harder on you when you’re older.”

Jennie Bishop adds more words of wisdom to start this awkward conversation:

“I wish we had done this a long time ago, but we need to start now. I know it may seem like an invasion of your privacy now, but I need you to understand how this works so you can do the same for your kids one day. And you may learn some things about yourself through the experience that really helps you, too. I’m open to your thoughts as we figure out how this works together, and I have no intention of ‘spying’ on everything you do. But as the parents in the household, we’re responsible for what is viewed and communicated here via our technology. Everything we do online is part of who we are as Christians. I would be ignoring what God wants from me, if I didn’t set up boundaries and standards online just like I do in real life.”

Sign Up: Get Covenant Eyes for Your Family

Covenant Eyes offers Screen Accountability for PCs, Macs, iPhones, iPads, iPod touches, and Android phones and tablets. Sign your family up today!

www.covenanteyes.com. 

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Does Marriage Help Your Parenting?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they that build it labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1

Marriage can be hard sometimes. Does my marriage, if a healthy one, really help me in my parenting? And what are the three specific ways it helps me?

 

I’ve been married forever. I only got married because I got sick of finishing my own sentences.

Just kidding.

 

What are the three ways that really being in love with your spouse helps you in parenting?

 

If you have a firm foundation, whatever is built on that foundation has a better chance of surviving. I love to tell a story of building our house, and 5:00 in the morning they had builders out there and it’s just getting light. I asked, “why are you here so early?” The contractor replied, “It’s foundation day!”

 

The truth is if the foundation isn’t right, your whole home is off.

 

We have to be rock solid, cemented together with a mortar of love and admiration, and respect for one another. And if that foundation is there and you truly do love each other, and you prioritize in your marriage, you will form an impervious wall where the kids cannot penetrate that and divide you in any way, shape or form.

 

Some people are thinking, “Wait a minute, kids are going to divide you?” Yes, they do. They’re hedonistic kids. When you show that you have a lot of respect and you spend a lot of time with each other, and you prioritize and you’re going out for your date night, there are some kids who go, “Wait, you’re going out? What about us?” They’re hedonistic.

 

You have to set the paradigm early in the marriage that the couple matters. You be a better parent because you do talk with each other. You don’t let things build up. You have good communication, and so the kids read that, they learn from that.

 

When your child comes and asks for something and all of a sudden he’s in a hurry, he needs this and that because it’s tomorrow. And you say to a son or daughter, “Honey, wait a minute, how long have you known this?” “Well, I’ve known this for a month,” he says.

 

 “Now you’re coming to me the night before and you want this, that and the other thing. I mean, that’s not the way life works, and it certainly isn’t the way things work in this family. I don’t know how you’re going to solve that problem, but I wish you the best at it.”

 

Now, what have you just told your nine year old? Don’t come in here expecting emergency aid and help when he haven’t done his work. That’s not how this family operates. What I’m saying is that kids catch the drift from parents on how to do life. It’s a teachable moment. That’s the last time a nine year old hopefully is going to come ill prepared the last minute with a list of demands for you as parents.

 

On the good ship family on the ocean of life, you have to pick to yourselves, both of you at the wheel of that ship, the good ship family. And again, the question I always like to ask is, do you have a destination? Do have a port of call? Do you know where you’re going? And if you do, the hands on deck will follow suit.

 

People want to pursue and follow a leader. And I’m just saying if you’re a leader, and being together and one on marriage not only helps you obviously spiritually, but emotionally and practically as you deal with your children.

 

Are there some practical benefits to parenting that if you are shoulder to shoulder, as you say, both hands on the steering wheel, that make parenting better with a strong marriage? Sure there are!

Your kids will try to please you even more when you give them vitamin E, which is encouragement.

 

“Hey honey, you know I came home and I see that you picked up the front yard. You know what? That was so thoughtful of you. I think those are the neighbors papers, but I noticed you picked him up. That is so helpful. Thank you honey.”

 

Again, keep in mind that kids want to please you. When you see things that the kids do and you just make a general comment of thanks, you’re giving that kid vitamin E. You’re telling them, “Hey mom and dad noticed.” You don’t say, “Well, somebody else is going to pick it up. You picked it up.”

 

Everything you do that’s in a positive way, feeds more positivity. Anything you’d do negatively, feeds what? More negative stuff.

 

In this super busy world that we have, many parents honestly say, “I don’t think I have enough time to do work. Keep the home together, work on my marriage and take care of my kids. There’s one too many things in there, and marriage is the easiest one to drop because someday me and the missus will be stuck together. Why would I prioritize it now when I know my kids are leaving?”

 

When I was a young dean of students at 29 years old, I went in and talked to the head dean, the big guy. And essentially, I was just whining about all the problems I had, because I was the administrator of the code of conduct at a university of 35,000 students.

 

You can imagine I was a busy guy. And I came into my boss’s office and I whined about all the problems I had. The dean patiently listened to me and then he turned and he said, “Well, Kevin, it seems to me and I could be wrong, if you didn’t have all those problems, I really wouldn’t have much need to have you here in the office.” I went and gulped and left with my tail between my legs because he was right.

 

Oh, the whining that we do as adults and children! I always say if your kids are whining you need a whine cellar! That’s my famous one-liner. But kids only continue to whine because you listen to them. In their mind it pays off because you’re listening.

 

You’ve got to draw that line to the kids don’t continue to verbally paw at you, like a baby cub toward their mother.

 

Make time for your spouse. Let your kids assume responsibility. Set boundaries. Good partners make good parents. 

This article is an adapted transcription of podcast 254 by Dr. Kevin Leman. www.birthorderguy.com. 

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Twelve Self-Assessment Questions for Christian Parents

by Luke Gilkerson
written by Luke Gilkerson

God is the One who entrusted children to us in the first place: God, our Heavenly Father. And thankfully, He has a lot to say in His Word about His standards for good parents.

Curious about them? Here are 12 self-assessment questions to consider from the Bible.

12 Self-Assessment Questions for Christian Parents

1. Is the Christian faith a regular part of our daily conversation?

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

2. Do I offer regular opportunities for my children to worship God?

“Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering and come before him! Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness.” (1 Chronicles 16:29)

3. Does my speech serve the purpose of building up my children?

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)

4. Am I teaching obedience by modeling it and requiring it?

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)

5. Do I demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit in my life, and in my parenting?

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

6. Do I avoid exasperating my children with standards that are too high?

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

7. Does my conduct towards my kids reflect love?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

8. Do I pray for my children and trust God with them, enabling me to live free of worry about them?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

9. Have I put away anger?

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)

10. Is my discipline corrective, instead of punitive?

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

11. Do I point my children toward the gospel when they sin?

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

12. Do I view my children as blessings from God?

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” (Psalm 127:3)

Do you fall short in some of these areas? Great! That means you’re 100% human and 100% eligible to be a recipient of God’s grace in your parenting. Here are some action steps to get you started:

A Plan for Growth in Grace

1. Focus on YOUR relationship with God.

These Scriptures aren’t meant to be a battering ram that drives us to despair. They’re meant to guide us toward godly parenting while at the same time reminding us that we’re utterly incapable of it on our own. If we want to model our parenting after our Heavenly Father, our first priority must be intimacy with Him.

2. Confess sin to God, AND to your children, when appropriate.

It’s easy to find justification for our sins. We whitewash them by calling them struggles or weaknesses or difficulties, and we find plenty of support for that in our culture and even among well-meaning loved ones who can relate.

But freedom from sin begins with agreeing with God that it is, in fact, sin, and then asking forgiveness from Him and from those impacted by our sin (which is often our kids).

3. Receive God’s forgiveness.

Did you know that you don’t have to forgive yourself for your sinful patterns in parenting? Believe it or not, you won’t find that concept in the Bible.

Instead, you need only to believe that God meant what He said in 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” If you’ve confessed your sins, then claim His promised forgiveness and cleansing, and move forward.

4. Go to God daily (and sometimes hourly!) for grace and wisdom.

Trying to do this parenting thing on our own is nothing short of pride. Not only does it destine us to failure, it actually puts us in a position of opposition against God.

There’s nothing more powerful than taking our burdens to God and asking for His provision and help.

5. Focus on one area of growth at a time.

We shared twelve assessment questions because we wanted this to be thorough and helpful, but it’s typically not very productive to change multiple habits at one time.

Consider which area would make the most difference in your life and in the life of your family. Which sin is most burdensome? Which one is the most problematic for your spouse and children? Tackle that one area for a few months, then move on to the one that will have the next-highest impact.

6. Memorize Scripture.

When you’ve chosen one area to target, select several portions of Scripture that address the sin in question. Choose some that discuss the vice, and some that discuss the corresponding virtue. For example, if you’re focusing on anger, you’ll want to find some verses that talk about anger or wrath, and some others that talk about patience or gentleness.

Don’t skimp on this: the Word of God is living and powerful, and it will change your heart when you persevere in applying it. (Psalm 119:11)

7. Enlist the help of others.

Share your goals with your spouse and your children.

It takes a hefty dose of humility, but it will set a powerful example for your children about the importance of community when it comes to Christian living. Ask them to remind you if they observe you getting off track and to encourage you when they notice improvement. It may also be helpful to seek advice and/or accountability from a Christian friend or church leader depending on the nature and extent of your sinful pattern.

Few things in life reveal our need for God’s grace the way parenting does. Thankfully, He promises that His grace will always be enough, and that His strength is actually made perfect in our weakness (especially if it’s not Instagram worthy).

Written by Luke and Trisha Gilkerson, www.intoxicatedonlife.com.

 

 

 

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How to Give Your Grown Children to God

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

You shed crocodile tears when your little cherub bravely entered the kindergarten door, Sponge Bob backpack in tow. You watched your tyke kick his first soccer goal.

 

You rejoiced when your teen eagerly entered the church bus on his first mission trip. Then he met a GIRL. All of a sudden, this baby became a bucket full of hormones!

 

You had to release your panic when he stepped across the threshold of his freshman dorm room. What temptations awaited him in this world of secularism and hedonism? Would he stand strong?

 

Thank God. He graduated without becoming a drug-addled psychopath. But did you breathe a sigh of relief? Of course not. You still saw him as the tiny toddler who struggled to stand on his own two feet.

 

You stayed on your knees for twenty-two long years. Surely you could rest now. He’s a grown-up. God will surely protect him from every storm-tossed year of life. He will marry the right girl, procreate two perfect children and drive a Toyota minivan with leather seats. No storms ahead. Ignore the hurricane warnings and go on a cruise!

 

Forget it. The American dream is a fantasy. Your adult kids suffer and struggle to survive. There may be moments of reprieve, but your mother-heart (or father-heart, as the case may be) must continue to persevere in prayer. Ideally, you “cast every care upon the Lord.”

 

But who really rests in faith when it comes to those you love? A precious few…

 

I graduated from young mother to middle-aged mom and now grandmother. It’s no picnic. My oldest daughter suffers horribly with chronic pain and basically lives with an IV in her arm. I beseech the Lord every day for her to keep her food down.

 

My youngest has struggled with bipolar disorder since she was 13. She has her own share of serious physical and emotional challenges.

 

One child was raped, one was beaten and shot, and my firstborn is dead. By God’s grace, I have two beautiful step-granddaughters. Neither of my girls can have children.

 

You see, your babies are always your babies. You have a choice. There comes a time when you are too old and tired to shield them like you did when they tried to stick a bobby pin in a light socket. You don’t always live nearby. You can’t always be available at every beck and call.

 

It hurts. Deeply.

 

Somehow, somewhere along the way, you have to stop. As cruel and impossible as it sounds, you have to release your children and grandchildren to God. Let go of the reins. Believe that God is in control.

 

Three Bible mothers have taught me how to trust my grown kids to God. One taught me commitment, one taught me manipulation and one taught me perseverance.

 

Hannah, the mother of Samuel, gave her son to God before he was born.

She was barren for many years, while her husband’s second wife bore a tent full of children. Hannah was devastated. She grieved before God and tearfully begged Him to give her a son:

 

“Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: ‘O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord’” (1 Samuel 1:10-12  NLT).

 

God miraculously answered the prayer of this childless woman. Hannah never wavered. She gave her son to God. Literally. Could you drop your child on the church doorstop to be raised by an elderly pastor?  

 

But Hannah obeyed. She kept her vow. And Samuel, her son, became one of the greatest prophets in Israel’s history. While his peers drew camels with crayons and sipped on their juice boxes, little Samuel prophesied words of judgment and destruction to Eli the priest. A tough gig for a preschooler!

 

Samuel’s life as a prophet was never easy. He had to depose Saul, the king he proudly anointed, because of Saul’s arrogance and disobedience. Heartbreaking! I’m sure Hannah wept for Samuel often, but God honored her faithfulness to “let go and let God.”

 

On the other hand, Rebekah, Isaac’s wife, didn’t trust her sons to the will of Jehovah. Hers is a cautionary tale.

 

First, she favored one son over the other. Jacob, the younger son, skinned sheep and swept the tent with Mommy. Esau, the older son, hunted big game with Dad. Rebekah clearly favored Jacob over Esau. Great parenting, right? She only wanted what was best for her boys (so she said). Rebekah convinced her domesticated younger son Jacob to surreptitiously steal Esau’s birthright. What’s a birthright? The firstborn son assumed the father’s authority and responsibilities, and twice the inheritance of the younger children. (In Jacob’s defense, Esau traded his birthright for bean soup two chapters earlier).

 

Rebekah’s sneaky plan was elaborate. Isaac, her husband, grew old and blind. Esau expected his birthright and blessing from his father. But Rebekah coveted her husband’s blessings for her younger son, Jacob. This was her elaborate scheme:

 

“Rebekah said to her son Jacob, ‘Listen. I overheard your father say to Esau, ‘Bring me some wild game and prepare me a delicious meal. Then I will bless you in the Lord’s presence before I die.’ Now, my son, listen to me. Do exactly as I tell you. Go out to the flocks, and bring me two fine young goats. I’ll use them to prepare your father’s favorite dish. Then take the food to your father so he can eat it and bless YOU before he dies’” (Genesis 27:5-10 NLT).

 

The trap was set. Esau, the older son, went on a hunt. Rebekah cooked spicy, delicious goat chili. She coached Jacob on how to deceive her blind hubby, Isaac. Let’s just say the plan included an elaborate, hairy disguise, musky after-shave, and a voice change.

 

Isaac blessed his younger son. Jacob stole the birthright, and the rest is history. But I’ve always wondered if Rebekah had not interfered, God might have carried out his plans for “the elder to serve the younger” in a more peaceful way. Esau and Jacob missed twenty years of family life together.

 

How many nosy parents hinder the well being of their kid’s families? Of their son’s (and daughter’s) marriages? (Yes, I’m speaking to you, intrusive mother-in-laws)!

 

I don’t want to be Rebekah. I want to be Mary.

 

Mary, Jesus’s mom, is the role model that most inspires me. Mary learned of her son’s impending suffering and death at his baby dedication:  

 

“Simeon the prophet blessed them, and he said to Mary, the baby’s mother, ‘This child is destined to cause many in Israel to fall, and many others to rise. He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him.  As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul’” (Luke 2:34-35 NLT).

 

How did Mary respond Simeon’s terrifying prediction? She had heard the angel’s song, felt the Bethlehem star’s glow, and enjoyed the wise men’s gifts. This new revelation was probably shocking. Mary expected “salvation” to include kingship, not suffering and death.

 

Twelve-year-old Jesus disappeared in Jerusalem for three days. He was supposed to be returning home in the caravan with his relatives. Jesus was nowhere to be found. Joseph and Mary frantically searched for him. They placed his photo on a goat’s milk carton.

 

“Three days later they (Mary and Joseph) finally discovered him in the Temple, sitting among the religious teachers, listening to them and asking questions. All who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers.

 His parents didn’t know what to think. ‘Son,’ his mother said to him, ‘why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been frantic, searching for you everywhere.’

‘But why did you need to search?’ he asked. ‘Didn’t you know that I must be in my Father’s house?’  But they didn’t understand what he meant.

Then he returned to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. And his mother stored all these things in her heart.” (Luke 2:46-51 NLT)

Mary probably mused that, for a few years, Jesus would actually have a normal childhood. Instead, the young teen knew He had a heavenly Father and a Divine purpose. Mary didn’t panic. She pondered. And she prayed.

 

Don’t get me wrong. Mary wasn’t the perfect mom. Jesus attended the wedding feast at Cana, and Mary got antsy. When would her miracle-boy start to show His Divine gifts by turning water into wine? Many hometown critics probably whispered about his dubious “virgin birth.” That stigma followed Mary her whole life. [BW3] 

 

“’If you were Abraham’s children,’ said Jesus, ‘then you would do what Abraham did. As it is, you are looking for a way to kill me, a man who has told you the truth that I heard from God. Abraham did not do such things. You are doing the works of your own father.’

 

‘We are not illegitimate children (as you are-inferred),’ they protested. ‘The only Father we have is God himself.’” (John 8:41-42 NIV)

 

The passage goes on to state that the Jewish leaders called Christ a Samaritan, demon-possessed, and worthy of death. He refuted their accusations by claiming to be YAHWEH, the eternal God. Then the religious leaders, hopping mad, picked up stones to kill Him for blasphemy.

 

Mary heard the insults, the threats and the Pharisees’ plots to entrap Jesus. She had to be silent, pray and wait. I can’t imagine such faith and patience.

 

Finally, she faced her ultimate fear. She had to watch her Son flogged, mocked and brutally murdered. His blood, mixed with her tears, drenched the scorched earth. Every mother fears losing a child. But to watch the suffering and death of a Son? Who could endure such agony?

 

Only a mother of great faith. She trusted in God, even to raise her Son from the dead.

 

These Bible mothers humble me! I fear I’m more like Rebekah than Mary and Hannah.

 

So I learn to wait…hold onto God’s promises…and pray. And pray. And pray. And take a deep breath when I want to panic. God loves my kids (and grandkids) more than I. And I shall love them ‘til I die!

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10 Lessons for My Kids on My 40th Birthday

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

Tomorrow I turn 40. Lord willing, I’m about halfway done with this marathon we call life.

God has been so gracious to me. I have a godly wife who makes me laugh every day and two teenage children who grow daily in faith and wisdom. 25 and 27 years from now Camille and Soren will celebrate their 40th birthdays. This post is for them: it’s the hard-earned wisdom that I’ve accumulated over my years that I hope they can learn from. I hope it blesses you as well.

Here are the top ten truths I’ve learned in my 40 years:

1)     Seek wisdom

There is no end to foolishness in this world. Wisdom is a rare commodity. Run hard after it. Look to those whose character you admire. Listen to what they say and read what they write. When I was a kid, I was a sponge for sports trivia. I got a jolt in being able to know something someone else didn’t. In college I caught the bug for philosophical and theological knowledge. It took me until my later twenties and thirties to develop a stronger thirst for wisdom than knowledge. Accumulated wisdom is like the water of a river, it will smooth and shape the stones in its bed over time.

Let the wise hear and increase in learning…

Proverbs 1:5a

2)     Don’t go into debt

I wish I could have gone back to my 21 year-old self and admonished him not to spend the money on that new couch, on that car alarm, on eating out, on that apartment upgrade. Debt is a snare that will not be content with your foot. It wants your leg, and then your legs, and then your hips, and then your whole body. Don’t let it be your master.

[T]he borrower is the slave of the lender.

Proverbs 22:7b

3)     Choose your friends well

Your friends, especially in your teens and twenties, will imprint themselves on you. Choose well. One of the most important decisions I made was switching my primary friend group when I moved from middle school to high school. The things that high schoolers and college students can value—clothing, beauty, musical tastes—these will all fade. Choose wise friends. Choose friends who respect you. Choose friends who push you to Christ. Choose friends who make you laugh in the way you should laugh.

Do not be misled: “Bad company ruins good morals.” 1 Cor. 15:33

                                                                                                                                      

4)     Don’t be afraid of failure

I was going to be a professional baseball player. I went out for the freshmen baseball team and was cut. I probably wouldn’t have stepped into a leadership role with Fellowship of Christian Athletes if I hadn’t been cut, which set my course for pastoral ministry. I sent out about fifty resumes to churches in Arizona my senior year of seminary and didn’t have one serious offer. I started my own consulting business about five years ago and had (count ‘em) one paying client. I got turned down from what I thought was my dream pastoral job when I had unanimous support from the elders and pastors and was the only candidate presented to the search team. Every one of those failures (and hundreds more!) have shaped me, and have built character, perseverance, and humility. I wouldn’t trade any of them.

The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts.

Proverbs 17:3

5)     Don’t measure yourself by others

I’ve watched as friends and acquaintances wrote their first book, got published by Christianity Today and other major publications, stepped into senior pastor roles before they turned 30, and pastored churches with attendance in the thousands. Each success of these men and women is a danger to my soul. Christ has called me to under-shepherd a particular people, and to steward a particular set of gifts and opportunities. I will be judged by my faithfulness to what God has called me to, and I need to trust his purpose of that calling. He has given you a particular set of gifts and opportunities. Be faithful to his calling on your life, not someone else’s.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?… If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Galatians 1:10

6)     Forgive

You’re going to be hurt. You’re going to be betrayed. Don’t harbor unforgiveness which turns into bitterness in your heart. It is deadly. As a pastor, I have a far greater opportunity to sin against others and I have a far greater opportunity to be sinned against. When forgiveness is not a daily discipline for me, darkness takes hold of my heart. Forgive daily; forgive because Christ forgave you.

[L]ove covers all offenses

Proverbs 10:12b

7)     Choose your habits well

Isn’t it amazing how quickly we can slide into habits? When I look at areas of my life that I need to grow in, it is a reflection of habits that have not been cultivated. There are seasons that I allowed poor habits of not setting boundaries to lead to not protecting time with Angel and you. There are seasons that my eating and fitness habits have led to a poor stewardship of my body. On the flipside, the best parts of my character have emerged from my healthy habits. I have developed wisdom because of habits of learning that have been weaved into my life for years. Choose your habits well and cultivate them purposefully.

Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways and be wise.

Proverbs 6:6

8)     Choose your spouse well

I remember when I was ten years old and just starting to be aware of this fascinating species called “girls.” I remember telling myself that I wanted to marry a tall girl so that our kids could play professional basketball. Later, I remember thinking that it would be great to marry a girl whose family had money. And of course once the hormones kicked in, it sure is hard not to have beauty rocket right to the top of that list. God was so merciful to me. I married a woman who has proven to grow in godliness and grace. If God has called you to marry (and if he has called you to singleness, that is a tremendous blessing to steward!), choose a spouse who loves Jesus more than you. Choose a spouse who is devoted to the church. Choose a spouse who is wise and generous. Oh, and definitely choose a spouse who makes you laugh. Beauty will fade, but godliness and a sense of humor never will fade.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

Proverbs 31:10

9)     Cultivate spiritual disciplines

I remember in college my roommate (who is now your uncle!) and I went through several seasons of video-game addiction. There was that old-school baseball game we poured hours into, there was 007, and there was Grand Theft Auto. The statistics of time that is poured into video games, television, and social media is jaw dropping. The recent numbers suggest that the average American spends over four hours a day watching TV and another three plus hours on their phone/tablet.[i] There is nothing inherently evil about any of these diversions, but build your life around spiritual disciplines, not ephemeral diversions. Fill your mind and heart with the very words of God, the Bible. Develop a rich prayer life. Learn to fast. Give generously. Commit yourself to Christ’s bride, the church, and serve her.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge…

Proverbs 12:1

10)  Give up your life that you might find it

The life that matters is cruciform: shaped by the cross of Christ. “If anyone would come after me,” Jesus said, “let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”[ii] There has never been a moment when I’ve walked the hard road of the cross that I’ve regretted. The moments that have led to profound regret are moments of selfishness: they are moments when I have dropped the cross of Christ. Don’t fear the greatest sacrifices of your life. Lean into them with expectation for what Christ has for you on the other side. Live with courage and hope.

And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

Matthew 10:38

That’s the best I have to offer, kids. And it’s not mine to begin with: it’s his. I pray I learn these truths even deeper in these next forty years and I look forward to learning from you along the way. May Christ shape you in his image and lead you in the paths of life and righteousness that your life might be used for his glory.

As you listen along, I want to learn from you: what wisdom has Christ taught you in your years on this earth?

 

[i] https://www.marketwatch.com/story/people-are-spending-most-of-their-waking-hours-staring-at-screens-2018-08-01

[ii] Matthew 16:24

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How Do I Respond When My Adult Child Blames Me for His or Her Issues?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

The following is an excerpt from Dr. Leman’s podcast on www.birthorderguy.com:

 

Blaming others has been around since time began. Let’s go back to Adam and Eve. Adam said in Genesis 3:12:“It was you, God, that gave me that woman. It’s her fault.” Passing the buck has literally been around forever and it’s a scapegoat. It’s a psychological defense mechanism. It’s not my fault. It’s your fault. Life’s been unfair to me.”

 

I would bet you a nickel and a few pesos that a daughter complaining about her mother is always asking her mother for help in some way, shape or form, either financially or otherwise. Of course, if you don’t like yourself, you need to find a way of deferring that to someone else.

 

You have to lay blame on it, like it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that she, now these are just guesses in the dark because perhaps she chose not to go to school onto post high school, that she was the one that decided to take off extra time from work and ended up getting fired.

 

What you see is a trail of non-responsible behavior from day one, and so rather than face myself and look myself in the mirror and say, “You know what? This is on me,” as the old song says, you strike out, you only hurt the ones you what? Love.

 

The next time she throws a barb at you, just say simply, “Honey, I’m sorry you feel that badly about yourself.”

 

My prayer for you someday is that you’ll look honestly at yourself and take responsibility for the things you say and do and won’t have the need to blame others, including me, for your inaction and your failure. Failure isn’t fatal in life, honey, but realize that you failed and then not doing anything to try to get yourself into a positive track is quite frankly just a shame because quite frankly, I believe you could do better.”

 

“But if you want to continue to play this dog and pony show where I am the source of your problems, you go right ahead. You just have to understand that I’m not buying it.” That’s the conversation that has to take place.

 

That’s kind of scary for that mom to say that. Moms are often afraid that that daughter’s going to pull away.

 

Perhaps they’re too close. Mom is probably way, way, way too involved in her adult daughter’s life. Okay? So I’m guessing that daughter is asking mom, “Hey Mom, what do you think about this? What do you think about that?” And Mom tried to help, giving her two cents worth.

 

Daughter does partly what Mom suggests. It doesn’t work and then now whose fault is it? It’s Mom’s fault. So what I’m saying is the quicker they separate, the better.

 

The next time she’d get asked a question from her daughter, say, “Honey, I don’t have the foggiest idea what to tell you. That’s completely up to you. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision,” and then psychologically turn your back and walk away. I mean, this doesn’t work without Mom doing some changing of her own. She has to see, just like fighting is an act of cooperation, this nonsense that’s going on between her and her grown daughter continues to go because she plays a role in that.

 

So all of a sudden Daughter says something like this: “Mom, you are stupid. You don’t know a thing.”

 

Then when she asked for help, especially financial, which I bet you a nickel she’s doing, I would just say, “Honey, I’m unable to help you right now for a lot of different reasons. Let it go.”

 

Playing the victim and using a parent as a scapegoat is a psychological defense is commonplace now in our culture. How as parents do we not let our kids gain this stance or this opinion?

 

Start when your children are young. The general principle is don’t do for kids what they can do for themselves. Now, if you take that too, literally, I mean, if a kid says, “Mommy, would you get me a glass of milk,” am I saying don’t get the kid a glass of milk? No, I’m not saying that at all.

 

What I’m saying is the kids will work you and you have to have a built in antennae that says, wait a minute, this is a little too much. They can do this work. I sat down with my granddaughter once and my wife assigned me, “Hey you, help Adeline with her homework.”

 

So I sat down and I looked at the homework and I said, “Okay, what are we doing here Adeline?”

“We’re doing these six questions,” Adeline said.

 

It took me a minute to figure out what was going on. Adeline wanted me to figure out her six problems for her, and I said, “Honey, I don’t know.”

“This is your homework. This isn’t Grandpa’s homework. This is something you have to do.”

 

“Yeah, but I don’t understand it,” Adeline replied.

 

“Well, I mean, I don’t know how I can help you understand it. You can read it once you read it out loud, see how it goes.”

 

I just keep the ball on her side of the court. Kids will work you. You just have to understand that. It’s human nature for a lot of kids, particularly later born children or overly-dependent firstborns to use the ones that they’re supposed to be loving. People aren’t for using. They’re for loving.

 

So you draw those lines early. You have expectations. Your yes is yes. Your no is no. You’re in authority without being an authoritarian. You’re not being a pushover and it’s that balanced life that you present before your children that gives them a solid foundation to grow from. That’s the important thing.

 

What would it take as a mom to be able to have the confidence that this is actually going to bless that child, not irreparably destroy your relationship? Some Moms feel the desire to be needed so much that they ignore the importance of setting boundaries and helping their offspring to assume responsibility for their behaviors and choices.

 

If Moms learn to do this from the start, there’s so much hope in that thinking, okay, when I have adolescents, when I have young adult children, that they’re not going to be blaming me. They’re not going to come whining to me for an answer. They’re not going to be dependent on me. They’re going to be responsible, able to make their own choices.

 

 

 

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How to Raise Empathetic Children

by Ken Sande
written by Ken Sande

Empathy does not appear automatically. Nor does it develop in a smooth, steady progression. Indwelling sin is a constant impediment (as illustrated throughout the Book of Proverbs), which requires a daily Outpouring of the Gospel. 

In addition, our brains are not fully wired until our mid-twenties. As a result, a child’s ability to show empathy develops in phases. For example, affective empathy (the ability to feel what others are feeling) usually develops in a child’s early years, while cognitive empathy (the ability to imagine what others are experiencing) develops later. In fact, most girls don’t see a steady rise in cognitive empathy until age 13. In boys, steady growth is often delayed until around age 15.

Unfortunately, many boys experience a corresponding decline in affective empathy between ages 13 and 16. This may result in part because of a spurt of testosterone during puberty, which can spark a desire for dominance and power. Stuffing emotions is also aggravated by pressure to “act like a man,” which is often portrayed as being tough, detached, and unshakeable. Teen boys may also suppress empathy so they can join in joking and teasing with peers—the social glue for boys—even if it means hurting others’ feelings.

Practical Ways to Promote Empathy

Although some of these growing pains are unavoidable, there is a great deal that parents and other influential adults can do to encourage steady growth in empathy, which is a key component of other-awareness and relational wisdom. Here are few practical tips on how to help children develop this quality.

At All Ages

·       Recognize your unique role as a parent. Biblical teaching, countless behavioral studies, and personal experience all confirm that parents are uniquely positioned to teach empathy to their children. One of the best ways to do so is to develop warm, open, and safe relationships, and to model healthy emotions and empathetic interactions with those around them.

·       Be patient and forgiving as your child stumbles and grows in relational skills. None of us is able to throw off sin and develop a godly character instantaneously. Since it’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4), it is crucial that we offer the same grace to our children (Col. 3:12-15). Here are two short film clips that illustrate how redemptive parental patience can be: Cinderella Man and Spanglish.

·       Weave the gospel into daily life. God’s gracious sacrifice of his Son for our salvation was the most compassionate event in history. Refer to the gospel regularly in practical ways, not only as the source of our salvation but also as the ultimate model of empathy and the key to our ability to grow in Christ-like character (Titus 2:11-14).

·       Pray without ceasing, asking God to give your children loving, sensitive, empathetic hearts, and to give you grace to model these qualities in your life.

·       Establish a secure and trusting relationship with your child, showing the same unchangeable commitment to and love for him that God shows to you (Heb. 13:5).

·       Be open with your own emotions (John 11:35). Use the READ acrostic to show your children that it’s OK to express emotions in reasonable ways, and that there are constructive ways to control and channel them.

·       Model empathy (1 Cor. 11:1). Apply the EMPATHY acrostic on a daily basis to demonstrate empathy for your children and for other people.

With Young Children

·       Affirm empathetic behavior in your children. When my grandson wiped away his mother’s tears, I said, “Andrew, what a good thing to do! You heard your mommy crying and felt sorry for her. You wanted to comfort her the way she has comforted you. Wiping her tears and saying kind words to her has made her heart glad again.” Such praise sends the message, “This is good behavior; keep doing it more and more!”

·       Use Bible stories to illustrate empathy and show that this quality is pleasing to God (e.g., Ruth 1:7-19; 1Sam. 20:41).

·       Empathize with your child. (“Are you feeling scared of the bee? I think he’s just looking for some food to take back to his home, but he is pretty close and he can sting us. That’s scary, so I’ll stay close until he flies away.”)

·       Talk with your child about others’ feelings. (“Kristen looks sad because no one is playing with her. She probably feels lonely. If you asked her to play with us that would make her happy … and me too.”)

·       Read stories about feelings. If emotions are not specifically described, ask your child to guess what different characters are feeling at various points in the story.

·       Use pretending to introduce older toddlers to emotion and empathy. For example, hold two of your child’s stuffed toys in your hands and have one of them do something that hurts the others’ feelings. Ask your child how the hurt animal feels, and what the other animal could do to take away the hurt.

·       Use role plays to enable your children to practice and learn empathy. Our Young Peacemaker Curriculumcontains illustrated stories and role plays that are well-suited for such use.

·       Talk openly about your child’s unpleasant emotions, such as sadness, disappointment, fear, or anger. Don’t simply condemn the emotion or try to fix the situation. Instead use it as an opportunity to help your child learn how to label her emotions, to understand why they’ve arisen, and to choose a constructive response. (“Are you afraid to go in the swimming pool. That’s OK. I understand, I felt the same way the first time my dad took me swimming. Would you like to just sit on the side of the pool, or do you want me to hold you and walk around in the pool for a little while?”)

With Older Children

·       Describe how other people have shown empathy to you, and explain why you appreciated it.

·       Use books and movies to help children to develop both cognitive empathy and affective empathy (“Why do you think that character did that?” “What is that person probably thinking and feeling?” “If you were in her shoes, what would you be tempted to do?”) You’ll find a wide variety of short film clips in our RW Movie Blog section that show how to use movies this way.

·       Use news reports and current events in the same way. (“How do you think those people felt when their homes were destroyed by a tornado?” “How do think our soccer players felt when they lost that game? If you were their coach, what would you say to them?”)

·       Study and discuss famous empathetic people, such as Abraham Lincoln, Florence Nightingale, Albert Schweitzer, Hudson Taylor, Corrie ten Boom, Oskar Schindler, Nelson Mandela, and Mother Theresa.

·       Expose children to situations that stimulate healthy emotions and compassionate actions, such as volunteering in the church nursery, mentoring a younger child, visiting a nursing home, working at a local rescue mission, or joining a mission project that serves suffering people.

Beneficial Life Outcomes

Developing empathy is a life-long, time-consuming endeavor, but it is worth the effort. Here are just a few of the long-term benefits of raising empathetic children.

·       Their lives are more likely to reflect the character of Christ and be pleasing to God (Eph. 5:1-2).

·       Protecting, comforting, and helping others will come more naturally to them (1Thess. 5:14-15). Just think how much you’ll appreciate these qualities when your children become your caretakers someday!

·       They will have greater social competence, which contributes to deeper friendships and more intimate and stable marriages.

·       Behavioral studies show a direct correlation between empathy and knowing right from wrong, as well as creative thinking and problem solving.

·       They will be more skilled at team-building, collaborating, negotiating, and conflict resolution, all of which contribute to vocational success and advancement.

·       Empathetic people are more likely to be humble, open-minded, and able to connect with and learn from a variety of people, all of which contribute to being a life-long learner.

None of these skills or benefits develops overnight, but with patient and consistent teaching and modeling, both you and your children can experience steady growth in this vital relational quality.

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Pet. 3:8).

– Ken Sande

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Can You Parent as a Grandparent?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Can you parent as a grandparent? Here are the thoughts of Dr. Kevin Leman from his podcast on the subject with Andrea and Doug:

“Doug: Some day, we’ll all likely be grandparents. What do you do if your kids start dropping your kids off more and more and asking you to be their parent? Can you parent as a grandparent? Well, we need to know if you end up having to parent as a grandparent. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today.

Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you just told us a really interesting story about someone who emailed you a question from a grandparent. It got me thinking. I think there’s probably more people that listen to this that either are having to parent as a grandparents, or someday were going to do it. What do we need to know if we get in this situation?

Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you, I think there’s an awful lot of grandparents out there, number one, who are rearing their grandchildren. There’s a lot of grandparents out there whose adult children are using their parents, the child’s grandparents, in a negative way, in a way that they expect the grandparents to drop everything they’re doing and to give safe harbor to their grandchildren. Now, we have four grandchildren. Quite frankly, we go to great lengths to be with them. Two of them live in Chicago, which is not exactly next door to Tucson, Arizona.

Dr. Leman: In fact, my dear wife is flying up there in a week or so to be with our daughter, Hannah, and her husband, and those two little twins because both of them work and they’re like a lot of couples. We want to be helpful parents. Let’s face it, grandparents, you are mature. You’ve gone through life. You know a few things. By the time we get to the grandparent stage, we’re pretty steady and predictable, and again, a safe harbor.

Dr. Leman: As I was telling you the other day, I got a question from a woman and I really felt so sad because the parent comes and drops off her daughter and leaves her there. I mean, leaves her there. She leaves her there. She doesn’t say, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.” She just leaves them and takes off. Grandparents never know when she’s going to come back. It can be two weeks later. It can be a week later. It could be three days later. Here’s a daughter who has absolutely no respect for her parents, and she uses those grandparents, their good will, good nature, and their love for their grandchild. You tell me, what would you do? I know what I told her to do, but I’d love to know what you guys would do if you’re the grandparents and you have a daughter, doesn’t have a husband, is single mom and she brings by this little granddaughter, drops her off and you never know when she’s going to come back. What would you do?

Andrea: Oh, I’d be taking care of that grand baby, loving on it and just treating it like, “Well, you’re here now and as long as you’re here I’m mom, I guess.”

Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. I think that’s how most people would respond, that, “This is my granddaughter and I love her and I want what’s best for her. Yes, we’ll take her to school. Yes, we’ll pack her lunches. Yes, we’ll give her money if she needs it,” and all those kind of things.

Andrea: I’d probably even be considering adopting her.

Dr. Leman: Well, I tell you, here’s what I shot back to grandma. I said, “You know what? This is a situation that doesn’t have a happy ending. The best thing you can possibly do is to start refusing taking your granddaughter until you reach an agreement with your daughter that you have guardianship of that nine year old.” This daughter is … God only knows what she’s doing. What she’s doing is not good. I can tell you that from the kind of things that the grandmother had shared with me. Again, parents, it’s a catch 22. You want to help your grandchild, but you best help your grandchild by getting guardianship of that nine year old. Now, that costs money. You have to have cooperation with your daughter. Whether your daughter caves in and gives it to you is up for grabs, but you can’t go through life just having somebody drop a youngster, someone you love, off at your house and not knowing where she is and when she’s going to be back.

Dr. Leman: What if you guys have plans to go someplace and maybe see one of your other children, or one of you is still employed and have employment responsibilities. It’s a no win. As tough as that advice is for people, the best solution is to try to get guardianship. Once you have guardianship, then you can go ahead and you can really rear that nine year old as the parent. Then, mom has visiting rights, so to speak, for lack of a better term. She sees the kid’s mother, but you can imagine this child is just nine years old. What is she going to be like at 14? She needs somebody that’s going to really model stability and currently mom is just all over the place. Again, I’m very suspect that she’s a druggie and doing a lot of things that she shouldn’t be doing.

Doug: If the grandparents refuse the daughter unless they get guardianship and the daughter refuses, what’s going to happen to that … my grandchild?

Dr. Leman: See, this is where a situation like this we feel like we’re over the barrel. It’s just like the parent that writes in and says, “My son refuses to take his medication. It’s really important he takes his medication.” Well, the kid’s got you over the barrel. Kids and adults know when they have you over the barrel. They’ll work you. People aren’t for using. I know that. Is this easy to pull off? No. It’s not easy at all. Is it simple? No. It’s not simple either, Leman. This is difficult stuff, but you have to have a heart to heart with daughter. I mean, I’m suspect that the grandparents are also helping the daughter financially. They help her financially and she takes off on a two week binge someplace, hit and miss at work and all that. It’s a crisis in the making. I’ve awfully said, “I’d rather force a blowout than watch it slow leak itself to death.” These are tough questions. Most of your parents who are listening are saying, “Oh my goodness. I’m glad that’s not our situation.” It’s tough.

Andrea: Is there any hope that by the grandparents standing up and saying to the daughter, “Well, you need to give us guardianship if we’re going to keep doing this,” that she might actually recognize what she’s doing and she just is waiting for somebody to hold her accountable and she might-

Dr. Leman: She might.

Andrea: Come out of this-

Dr. Leman: She might.

Andrea: Behavior?

Dr. Leman: Again, permissiveness reigns in our society, and caving in and giving in. Very few people draw lines and says, “This is no longer manageable for us.” Imagine, grandparents living life and all of a sudden, without notice, there’s no phone call or anything, she just drops her off at the house and leaves. I mean just totally non-responsible behavior. You get the authorities involved, then there’s more problems down the line. I think this is something you want to try to solve as grandparents and cut a deal with your daughter for one specific reason, and that is you want to give that granddaughter, in this case, the best predictable, safe environment where she’s going to feel loved and she has some stability. Nine year olds need that, believe me.

Doug: You know what I really appreciate about this example is, for me, you have used this phrase before, “I prefer a blowout than a slow leak, and people are not to be taken advantage of.” It’s like, “Yeah, I get it now.” If I’m ever being taken advantage of, I should force the issue instead of just limping along like this. In all of life, whether you’re a grandparent or not, that’s great.

Doug: Well, before we finish, ’cause I have another question for grandparents here, I want to take this moment for all our podcast listeners, again, to tell you about the eBook special, thank from Baker Books, for you and you alone, a book by Dr. Leman called Born to Win for $1.99, June four to ten of 2019. Dr. Leman, I’m embarrassed to say so, I haven’t read Born to Win. I don’t know if I’ve even heard about it, which [crosstalk 00:08:37]-

Andrea: I don’t know if I’ve heard of it either.

Dr. Leman: Well-

Doug: What is this one about?

Dr. Leman: Who do you suppose is born to win? Take a guess.

Doug: Andrea-

Andrea: The baby-

Doug: ‘Cause she’s sweet.

Dr. Leman: Nope.

Doug: The middle child, ’cause we’re both middle children.

Dr. Leman: No.

Andrea: The only child.

Doug: No, no, ’cause we’re middle children. No?

Dr. Leman: The firstborn.

Doug: Ah.

Andrea: We’re all born to win.

Dr. Leman: The firstborn. They are born to win.

Andrea: Yeah.

Dr. Leman: It’s all about firstborn children. If you’re a firstborn-

Doug: So this is-

Dr. Leman: Or if you have a firstborn, you might really enjoy reading Born to Win.

Doug: It does help to get behind their eyeballs and understand it, doesn’t it? Born to Win, $1.99 June four to ten of 2019. Now, favorite part of the segment, Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman.

Dr. Leman: You know, you don’t have to walk very far to find a smart mouthed kid these days. You’ll find them in schools. You’ll find them on a playground. This is so difficult to say to you parents. You may even find them in your home. You know, kids today view themselves as social equals. They don’t really see authority in a proper manner. Parents, quite frankly, don’t act in authority. They tend to be permissive and then they swing to authoritarian. We’ll discuss that one at another time, but the point is is that these kids know where you are, how you operate. I’ll tell you, they can pull your chain. The question is, when your child is really smart mouth to you, ask yourself this question. What was the purpose of nature of that? Was it to show you that he or she is the boss, that they want to simply just dis your authority?

Dr. Leman: It could be, but the point is, words hurt and you don’t have to just come back immediately. If you do, you engage in fighting. Remember, fighting is an act of what? Cooperation. After the hurtful words, go about your business. I’m telling you, I don’t care if your kid is six or 16, it’s going to be a very short period of time when they come to you and say, “Mommy, would you get me this?” Or, “Mom, can I go over to John’s house?” Maybe they’re driving the car. “Hey dad, can I take the car?” Well, a simply dosage of vitamin N will get your son or daughter’s attention. What does that mean? A simple, “No. I don’t feel like getting you anything right now.” “Honey, no, you can’t take the car.” Turn your back. Walk away.

Dr. Leman: Now, again, do not engage in battle. You have gold in your back pocket, parents, okay? I call this parental poker. You have four aces in your back pocket as well. You don’t have to always play those cards, you just have to have the assurance that those cards are there. Quite frankly, your kid wouldn’t have underwear on right now if you didn’t buy it for him. Who’s kidding who? You are in full authority over your children.

Dr. Leman: Now, here’s the fun part, I think. They’re going to dig. They’re going to say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You always let me go to John’s house. You always let me do this.” Let them really squirm and figure out that maybe what they said an hour and a half earlier was very inappropriate. Don’t tell them right off the bat. Again, let them sort of guess and figure it out. Finally, he or she will figure it out. “Oh, I’m sorry about what I said this morning.” “Well, honey, I’m glad you could say you’re sorry. That’s really important.” “Well, can I take the car now?” “No, but we’ll revisit that another day.” That’s Straight Talk from the good old Dr. Leman. I’m telling you, this stuff works.

Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Here’s my question. For the grandparents that are not in that dire of a situation but we do have the classic, “Truly the parents are super permissive and when they come over to my house, my grandparents just are out of control. I don’t agree with their parenting style. What do I do when I have them in my house for five hours or maybe overnight? What do I do with their unruly behavior?”

Dr. Leman: Well the simple sentence is, “Honey, in our home we don’t do that,” works, whether it’s putting your feet on the furniture or whatever. Here’s the interesting thing that I’ve observed over the years, Doug and Andrea, that kids can go from one environment to another with a completely different set of rules and they adjust to it. Grandparents, don’t lower your expectations for your grandchildren. I would tell you, when the grandchildren come over, okay, have fun. Do a little thought about, “Hey, what could we do with … grandkids are coming over.” Maybe your kids have said, “Hey, we want to take off for a weekend. Would you take the kids for a weekend?” “Okay, we’d be glad to.”

Dr. Leman: Well, rather than just sit around grandma and grandpa’s house, which a lot of grandparents are very comfortable in doing, plan a couple things. In fact, asking your grandchild’s opinion of, “Honey, would each of you give grandma and grandpa one idea of things you think might be fun for all of us to do this coming weekend? I know you’re coming over Friday night and you’re going to be here til Saturday late, so come up with a couple things and grandma … grandpa and I will talk about it and we’ll figure something out,” so that time with your grandchildren is meaningful and you can have a fun time together.

Doug: The recommendation is make it fun when they do come over and keep your standards going, that they will adjust to being at your house with whatever standards-

Dr. Leman: They will.

Doug: You have.

Dr. Leman: They will adjust to whatever your expectations are.

Doug: When I think about when we have some of our nieces and nephews come over, they do adapt to our behavior.

Andrea: Yeah.

Doug: It is interesting. You’re right. Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. You might hear a frog in our background. We have a frog in our garage that we cannot find. If you hear something croaking-

Dr. Leman: I love it.

Doug: If you hear something croaking, it’s not Andrea.

Andrea: No, it’s not.

Doug: It’s actually a frog.

Dr. Leman: Okay, people, Doug and Andrea are hillbillies. You remember the old hillbillies? The Beverly Hillbillies-

Doug: Oh, come on-

Dr. Leman: These are Oregon hillbillies.

Doug: Come on.

Dr. Leman: They got a frog in there.

Doug: We can’t find it. We’ve been looking for like a week.

Dr. Leman: You know why-

Doug: It tells you how cluttered our garage is.

Dr. Leman: You know what the frog said? He said, “Pardon me, I have a man in my throat.”

www.birthorderguy.com. Used by permission.

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3 Things Every Mama Should Know

by Lysa TerKeurst
written by Lysa TerKeurst

Being a mom is a high honor and one of the most precious gifts of my life. At the same time, being a mom is tough.

It’s tough when your children are tiny. And there are still tough days when you’re like me, and your children are all grown.

One of the hardest things about motherhood for me has always been my tendency to blame myself for the wrong choices my kids have made.

The second hardest thing is trying to figure out the right way to help them navigate their issues. Especially when you’re hyperaware that the situation your child is in carries great consequences.

Deep is the sorrow of a mother who feels helpless.

Thankfully, God knows what it’s like to deal with wayward children. He feels our pain. He knows our sorrow. And He knows exactly how to encourage us through His Word.

Ephesians 6:10-12 tells us: “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (NIV)

Based on this truth, here are three things mamas should know:

1. God does not call us to find a power within ourselves to overcome the issues we face with our kids.

He calls us to put on His armor because what we are facing is a battle of epic proportions. And His weapons aren’t silly little spiritual suggestions that might or might not work. His weapons are certain.

His belt of truth. I must park my runaway mind in the assurance of God’s love for me and my child.

His breastplate of righteousness. I must stop reacting in the flesh and choose to battle this with my praises and prayers.

His gospel of peace. I must walk in the assurance and peace that even when I can’t see things changing, God is working on my child’s behalf.

His shield of faith. I must have faith in God’s timing and His ways.

His helmet of salvation. I must trust God’s ultimate desire for my children is for them to have a close relationship with Him. Though a situation might seem like an unlikely part of this process, God will bring good out of it.

His sword, which is the Bible. I must read God’s love letter to me every day. And hold those truths as the lifeline between God’s security and my shaky heart.

His gift of prayer. I must see prayer not as a last resort but as the very thing God’s most courageous warriors turn to first.

Ephesians 6:13-18 assures us that with these in place, we’ll be able to stand as we use them to tap into a power beyond ourselves.

2. The battle isn’t against our child and their choices.

It often feels like the battle is against our child. In reality, the battle is against Satan’s schemes.

There will be some battles we face with our kids that seem impossible to win because Satan twists the truth. He hides consequences. He blinds reality. He has schemes perfectly designed with our weaknesses in mind.

Therefore, we have to battle Satan. He’s the real enemy here. And because we are Jesus girls, we hold the power for victory in our praises and prayers to God.

3. The battle is taking place in the heavenly realms.

Oh how I want to fight my kids’ battles with what I can see. But that simply isn’t enough.

So, I must fight with the only thing I have that can reach into the heavenly realm: my praise and prayers. Praise for who God is and prayers for Him to remove Satan’s influence in a situation.

If ever I’m tempted to doubt how powerful praise and prayers are in battle, a quick read of 2 Chronicles 20:1-27 soothes this mama’s heart. It’s an amazing story of God’s people feeling overwhelmed in the face of a vast army, but when they begin to sing and praise the Lord, their enemy is defeated.

Prayers to God and praises for God release the power of God.

What bridged the gap between them feeling powerless and experiencing victory were praises and prayers. And it’s the same for us.

I can’t fully explain it. But I can proclaim it. Our prayers and our praises are powerful and effective.

Yes, being a mom is tough, but we aren’t alone. God understands this struggle of parenting children who get off track.

And since God, the perfect parent, has dealt with this since the beginning of time — I think His is the best advice around.

Father God, thank You so much that You have perfectly equipped me to do battle for my children. Today I lift my prayers and my praises up to You, believing for a mighty victory in their lives. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Psalm 144:1, “Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.” (NIV)

© 2019 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved. Read the original article here.

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How to Teach Your Child Self-Control

by Anna Kucirkova
written by Anna Kucirkova

Proverbs 16:32 says, “Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.”

“Self-control is often used to describe a favorable character trait in people. The word is used fairly frequently, but what exactly is self-control, and why is it important?”

Here, we’ll share some secrets of self-control and ways to pass on the practice of self-control to your children.

WHAT IS SELF-CONTROL?

Self-control is the war between impulsivity and doing what’s right or beneficial. It’s the ability to control emotions, impulses or behaviors to achieve a greater goal.

A common example of this is people attempting to maintain their New Year’s Resolution and lose a few pounds. It can be very difficult to refuse seconds of dinner or dessert afterward, but those practicing self-control know that they are working toward a long-term goal. While the immediate satisfaction would be sweet, the long-term results probably wouldn’t be weight loss.

WHY IS SELF-CONTROL IMPORTANT?

This may seem self-explanatory, but it’s helpful to work through this question thoughtfully.

Is self-control really that important, or is it better to enjoy the moment and not concern oneself with future outcomes?

Besides risking the ability to achieve long-term goals, there are other problematic issues with a lack of self-control.

People who lack self-control are often given to impulsive behavior and emotions as well. This means that they may make poor choices that harm themselves or others and react poorly when they don’t get what they want.

Imagine a toddler who wants something but the parent says no. Often, the initial reaction is to behave impulsively. They may throw a tantrum and hit and scream. Toddlers are still learning to regulate their emotions and respond appropriately when things don’t go their way.

The same is true for people of all ages. Self-control is an important skill to develop because these same emotions occur in any person who feels that their needs or desires are not being met. However, a person who lacks self-control may respond in a variety of ways including with anger, physical violence or by turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 says, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”

A person who lacks self-control may be an unstable person, prone to fits of anger and unethical decisions. There’s more at stake to a lack of self-control than a forgotten New Year’s Resolution—it may mean the difference between a person who is successful in personal relationships and careers, and one who is not.

THE LINK BETWEEN SELF-CONTROL AND EMPATHY

Researchers have recently discovered that the same part of the brain that controls empathy also controls self-control. This section of the brain is called the right temporoparietal junction, or rTPJ.

In the study, Alexander Soutscheck temporarily altered the part of the brain long-associated with empathy using a magnetic field. He discovered that a person’s self-control was inhibited when this part of the brain was shut down.

Rebecca Saxe from MIT weighed in by saying, “For a long time, people have speculated that we use the same mechanisms to reason about other people as about our hypothetical selves. So this new study fits really well.”

In other words, a person’s self-control to avoid dessert in the present helps a hypothetical future self lose weight. The effects are not immediate, so a person’s use of self-control now benefits a future version of themselves.

In Soutscheck’s study, when he disrupted the rTPJ part of the brain, his test participants were less likely to behave altruistically. They were given a scenario where they could take a sum of money for themselves or share it with a partner. When the rTPJ part of the brain was disrupted, they were less likely to share. This confirmed the link between rTPJ and empathy.

But interestingly, the same participants were also more likely to take a small sum of money in the immediate as opposed to a larger amount in the future—linking rTPJ to self-control responses as well.

WHAT ARE THE SECRETS OF SELF-CONTROL?

If self-control is important, what do you do when it doesn’t come naturally? How can you develop this vital skill?

Here are three ways to begin a journey of self-control.

PRAY, MEDITATE, BE MINDFUL 

Prayer and meditation are powerful ways to help you reset your thought processes.

Taking time to pray or meditate during the day is a good way of refocusing your mind and giving yourself a chance to calm down if something is irritating you. Instead of getting worked up about a problem, offer your concern to God in prayer, as Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Or consider using meditation by setting aside some time to close your eyes, breathe deeply and focus on what you can control and how you can move forward.

If you’re trying to stop a bad habit, these can be good options to curb your impulse to do it. You can replace those old habits with prayer or meditation.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP 

It’s not always easy to catch the z’s that you need, but a lack of sleep has been linked to self-control issues.

In a Harvard Business Review article, author Christopher Barnes discussed the link between a lack of sleep and poor choices.

Building on previous research that showed a lack of sleep may lead to lower self-control, Barnes and his colleagues conducted a study of their own. Their results showed overwhelmingly that those suffering from sleep deprivation exhibited high levels of unethical behavior.

Many adults are living on less sleep than they probably should be getting—some living on less than six hours a night. Unfortunately, this sleep deprivation may lead to making poor choices. If you’re suffering from a lack of sleep, try to rearrange your schedule to make sure you’re getting enough snooze time.

CREATE A RITUAL

It may seem unlikely, but participating in a simple ritual may give you the ability to avoid unhealthy impulses.

Scientific American conducted a study that gave participants a simple (and random) ritual to perform to help them achieve weight loss. They chose females from a university gym who were already striving toward weight loss.

Half of the participants were told to be mindful about their food habits. The other half was told to do a three-step ritual before consuming their food which involved cutting their food into pieces before they ate it, rearranging the food so it was symmetrical on their plate and pressing their eating utensil on their food three times before eating.

The study showed that the women who performed the ritual ate fewer calories and also ate less sugar and fats.

HOW TO TEACH CHILDREN THE ART OF SELF-CONTROL 

If you have or work with children, you may be wondering how to teach them self-control. Learning self-control at a young age is a great way of setting them up for success in the future.

Self-control, or self-regulation as it is sometimes referred to, is a skill that can be taught. While some people are born with more natural ability, most often it is a skill that individuals can help develop.

One way of doing this is to help children replace negative responses with positive ones. Dr. Matthew Rouse, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, explains that to teach children to self-regulate, you should not avoid situations that may be difficult. Instead, you should coach your children through difficult times.

When you coach kids through a frustrating moment, you’re providing a framework that clinicians call “scaffolding,” or showing the child the behavior that you want the child to have. Once that child understands the concepts they can begin to overcome challenges on their own.

One way to work through this process is by doing practice runs. For example, suppose a child throws tantrums when going to the store. Child Mind Institute suggests taking a short trip to the store and helping your child practice things like staying with you or keeping their hands to themselves. You could use a reward system for every time the child behaves.

Even with a short trip, the child may still act out or misbehave. This can be discouraging. However, Dr. Rouse explains that consistency is what’s important. If necessary, make the trip very short and as simple as possible. As the child begins to get better at the activity, they can be given more independence.

SELF-CONTROL IN THE FUTURE 

Self-control is linked to many good things including success and the ability to achieve goals. However, it’s important to keep in mind that one mistake in self-control shouldn’t mean that a person should give up. No one is capable of perfectly controlling their impulses or decision making at all times.

This is even more apparent in habits or responses that have become hard-wired into a person. Channeling anger into positive energy or resisting unhealthy habits is not an easy task. Consider it a victory each time you are able to use self-restraint in a situation that you would ordinarily respond in a negative way.

If you make a mistake, see it as an opportunity to learn rather than a reason to quit trying. Self-control is a lifelong journey to continue to work on.

Read more of Anna’s work at https://www.mastersincommunications.org/importance-good-etiquette/

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Five Ways to Be Present with Your Adult Children

by Deborah Haddix
written by Deborah Haddix

The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a special one (and it should be)! It’s sweet and wonderful and like-nothing-we’ve-ever-known-before, but we must take care not to mishandle God’s design for it.

“Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, 2 that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son’s son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long. 3 Hear therefore, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey.

4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates (Deuteronomy 6:1-9).

Did you see it? In verse two of this very familiar “grandparent” passage? Those words, “you and your son and your son’s son?”  God’s command is multi-generational. We are to make disciples of our children AND our grandchildren. But we can’t do this if we are giving all our time and attention to our grandchildren while ignoring our children.

So, if we’ve been guilty, where do we begin?

  1. Be available. Sit down with your adult children and let them know they are a priority in your life. Tell them face-to-face that you are available for them. Then follow through. Often the request will be related to a need – run the children to practice, baby-sit, help when a car or appliance breaks down. Whatever it is, invite the interruption and go, help, listen.
  2. Be askable. First, set the stage. Invite your adult children to ask for help. Welcome their calls. You want to be one of the first people your child contacts when they have a question or a need. Secondly, when your adult child does ASK, be sure to listen. You are their consultant not their commander. Offer advice only when asked—without judgment.
  3. Ask. Asking shows that you care. Develop the art of asking great questions – not as an interrogator but as one who is truly interested. And ask, regularly, how you can pray for your adult children.
  4. Initiate. Phone, Skype, or message your adult child, regularly – no strings attached, no hidden agenda. Simply talk. If your adult child is not able to engage in a lengthy conversation, don’t despair, be thankful for what they can give. And refrain from keeping score on who is initiating the calls and messages.
  5. Walk with your adult children. Learn how to walk alongside their daily lives. Show interest. Be there.

Our work with our children is never done. It simply changes, and it goes hand-in-hand with our work with our grandchildren.

www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.

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Solomon: Good Advice from a Bad Dad

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

King Solomon penned Psalm 127. He was not the model father. 

 

God dubbed made the flamboyant monarch the wisest man on earth. When you read Psalm 127, you’ll notice that it’s a paradox. Solomon blends his sagely gift and his stint as the ultimate dysfunctional father.

 

In a way, Solomon lived every man’s dream … he married seven hundred trophy wives and kept three hundred sexy concubines on the side. That much estrogen in one place must have driven him to distraction!

 

We know the super-king was, at best, savvy and street-smart. At his worst, Solomon was jaded and cynical. Regardless of your opinion of King Solomon, he had definitely been around the block, and he had learned a thing or two.

 

BUILD YOUR LIFE ON GOD

 

“Unless the Lord builds the house” Psalm 127a.” How would you like to have the Creator of the Universe as your architect? This house represents a life designed by God. Every room, every hallway is custom-made by the Creator.

 

“Unless the Lord builds” is a conditional clause in the Hebrew language. If God doesn’t lay the foundation, your home will collapse.

 

My father was a contractor. When he retired, he built a modest home in a new suburban development. Hotel-like mansions popped up around them shortly after they moved. Each showplace was replete with Porsches, country-club wives and 2.5 preppy children. Two years later, every elegant edifice had cracked foundations. You see, those wealthy buyers looked inside the homes but not underneath them.

My father, on the other hand, knew the soil in his neighborhood was sandy. Before he laid his home’s foundation, he poured concrete piers 150 feet beneath the surface.

 

Jaded Solomon said everything in life is vanity and vapor. Only the godly man or woman has deep roots.

 

Solomon’s Dad David wrote, “He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season. And its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:3).

 

When you cease to control your life, to stop renovating your relationships according your own specifications, the life you miraculously receive will be more gorgeous and grandiose than you imagined.

 

Give God, the Master-Contractor, the blueprints. Your house will stand.

 

LIVE PROTECTED

 

Psalm 127:1b says, “Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.”

 

Watchmen were always stationed on the walls of Jerusalem to detect the stealthy approach of all enemies, but even vigilant watchmen couldn’t protect Israel. Only God could.

 

One of my daughters died of heart failure. One was shot on the playground in a drive-by shooting (she lived). One was raped when she was a foreign exchange student in high school.

 

God’s watchful protection over my family was my only hope of peace and security. Fretting, fearing and stewing over your little problems is just vanity or “mist”.

 

Rest and relinquish control of your family. Trust God’s guardianship.

 

FOCUS YOUR PRIORITIES

 

“It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for He give to His beloved sleep.” Psalm 127:2

 

Do you feel you have stepped on the hamster wheel of life and can’t get off? This verse describes the dilemma of the early bird and the night owl whose high-energy workaholism snuffs them out or burns them to a crisp in a few years.

 

Some of us are driven because we falsely believe that our identity lies in productivity. We race around at a frenetic pace because we don’t want to process pain or loss, so we mask it, causing empty lives and shallow relationships.

 

Remember Jesus’ promise about the lilies of the field and the birds of the air in Matthew 6:28? If God feeds and clothes them, how much more will He feed and clothe you!

 

I started graduate school the day after my baby daughter died in my arms from heart failure and suffocation. After she died, I busied myself to mask my broken heart. But God longed for me to stay still long enough to receive His comfort, to process my grief and to discover His direction for my life.

 

Let’s talk about the “bread of anxious toil.” Is Solomon depicting the poor guy who mans the night shift at Taco Bell? Working for food? If I have to work more than fifteen minutes to prepare a meal, I feel violated. But in biblical times, an average person’s day revolved around gathering and preparing food for the family. Solomon wrote in Proverbs 31:15 “She (the righteous woman) gets up while it is still dark and provides food for her family.” That’s still a good idea. It’s the only time Walmart is not packed with people.

 

Live to work; don’t work to live. That’s unnecessary, anxious toil.

 

REST AND LISTEN

 

“It is vain to rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for He gives to His beloved sleep.” Psalm 127:2

 

Have you ever thought of sleep as a gift? Symbolically, it means God the Father wants to teach you the rest you can experience by trusting in Him.

 

Hebrews 4:9 “There remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from His own work just as God did from His.” The verse that follows is surprising—“The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

 

When we rest and listen to God, His Word helps us to understand who we are in Him. When you are in the throes of a big decision—and the car salesman or stockbroker demands an answer, the wise person will often say, “I’ll sleep on it.”

 

Sleep gives us clarity and perspective. Sleep restores and rejuvenates us. Sleep is a gift. Neurologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology conducted a study on sleep deprivation where several graduate students were kept awake for two consecutive weeks. At the end of the insomnia fest, all of the subjects were showing schizophrenic symptoms. Sleep is essential for our well-being.

 

Stop squirming and start resting.

 

ENJOY YOUR FAMILY

 

“Sons are a heritage from the Lord: the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127:3. Solomon teaches that children are a gift from Him.

 

Sarah, Rachel and Hannah all prayed to have sons. Childless widows in the Bible were pictured as helpless and destitute. A man’s sons were his social security. They tilled the land and carried on the family name. They nursed Mom and Dad in their twilight years. The heritage of the family was entrusted to them. Heritage implies an identity, a culture, a set of values, and a lifestyle.

 

A close family is a precious treasure. Make memories. Teach values.

 

“Like arrows in the hands of warriors are the sons of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them.” Psalm 127:4 Solomon teaches in verse 4 that children are like a warrior’s arrows. Everyone used arrows in ancient times. Warriors drew their bows to stop aggressors. Hunters wielded bows and arrows to kill prey and feed their families. Arrows were carefully designed to hit the target. A hunter’s crooked arrow could cost him his life.

 

Today, a person who lives a lifestyle of uncompromising integrity is a “straight arrow.” Adult children who lead lives that are focused and effective bring joy to their parents. Parents who have carefully invested in the lives of their children will be happy and fulfilled when they “shoot their arrows” into society and watch them soar successfully.

 

LAUNCH THEM TO LEAD

 

 They will not be put to shame when they speak with their enemies at the gate. “Sitting at the town gate was an ancient custom first mentioned in Genesis. Judges sat at the city gate to solve domestic disputes, forge contracts and make treaties.

 

Lot, the lukewarm judge, tried cases at the city gate. Obviously, Lot didn’t stem the tide of decadence and immorality in his hometown. God had to fry the city to a crisp and turn Lot’s wife into a saltine because of the depravity of the Sodomites and “Gomorrahites!”

 

Conversely, Moses became a great judge. Moses’ father-in-law Jethro advised him to delegate some of his governance to trusted leaders of each tribe. Moses heeded Jethro and appointed judges to help lead the wandering Jews. Deft negotiators kept the peace by practicing diplomacy among warring tribes and nations.

 

If the judges were savvy arbitrators, if they were honest, then the people enjoyed peace. If the ambassadors were corrupt or capricious, the community’s safety and prosperity were compromised.

 

Launch your children to lead wisely and faithfully.

 

Heed Solomon’s words. Build your family on a firm foundation. Find and follow God’s plan. Rest and enjoy the precious time you have together. Lead and launch your children to navigate the seas of life successfully.

 

 

 

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Ask Roger

Who is Head of the Home?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Roger,

My best friend and I were talking recently and he said to me during a discussion about God that, “the Bible was written for people who lived a long-time ago and its word does not pertain to us today.” He was referring to our conversation about the man as head of the household and him needing to lead as head of the household. His spouse is very liberal and a feminist and he was telling me in so many words that the word of God saying that men were the head of household is no longer pertinent today because times have changed. I know this thinking is wrong but how might I explain that the God of Adam is still the same today and that you can’t just pick and choose what you follow from the Bible as a Christian?

Sincerely, S

Dear S,

It sounds as if you had a rather difficult conversation with your friend. The overriding issue you both discussed has to do with what parts of the Bible may still be valid in today’s more “enlightened” culture and which parts are old, outdated and not relevant nor authoritative for today. The subset issue has to do with determining who is in charge in a marriage—the husband or wife? Maybe both? Or perhaps neither?

Let me divide my answer into two parts. First, I will deal with the leadership in marriage issue. Then I will answer the biblical relevancy question next week under the heading, “Is the Bible old-fashioned and out of date?”

Your friend is obviously concerned about his role as a husband in today’s confused set of misunderstandings and misguided values concerning marriage. The idea of a husband leading his family is somewhat of a struggle for him and a seemingly incomprehensible idea to his “feminist” wife.

Let’s see if we can clear this up to everyone’s satisfaction.

The primary Biblical purpose regarding marriage is companionship. God said to Adam in Genesis 2:18: “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a ‘partner’ for him.” The Hebrew word for “partner” is hard to translate with only one English word. The idea is one of completion. Adam was incomplete and alone. Eve, the wife God created for him, brought fulfilled completion to both of them in their marriage relationship.

The most significant issue of marriage is not who will lead or who will be in control. The issue is removing aloneness. A mature marriage is one where husband and wife become intimate friends. We are blessed if we have two or three intimate friends in a lifetime. Most people go through life and never have even one.

I often tell people, “You ought to marry your best friend!” Close friends make the best marriage partners.

The passage about the “husband being the head of the household” occurs in Ephesians chapter five. A superficial understanding of Paul’s teaching has led to much abuse. A husband who thinks things like, “I am the head of this household; everyone must answer to me; I am responsible to oversee and control everyone’s life; I am the ultimate authority;” will often bring untold harm to his wife and children. They are open to his mistreatment and emotional dysfunction. The role God has designed for husbands is not at all anything like this.

Husbands are to lead with love—not with power, authority and “divine right.”

In Ephesians 5:21 Paul enunciated the overall attitude for husbands and wives in marriage: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Who is designated to be in charge here? Neither. Mutual submission is the principle attitude behind a successful marriage. Husbands and wives are concerned first about the emotional health and well being of their partners—even before themselves. Also, notice that a healthy marriage is lived out in a relationship context with Jesus Christ. He provides the humility and the power behind a blessed and maturing marriage relationship (See Philippians 2: 1-11.).

Paul continued describing the roles of husband and wife in Ephesians 5:22-33. First, he addressed the women and then he turned to the men.

In Ephesians 5:22-23 Paul advised wives to submit to their husbands in the same way as they submit to Christ who is the head of the church: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Paul adds one more injunction for wives in verse 33: “… and the wife must respect her husband.”

This passage assumes that the wife knows what submitting to Christ looks like. Paul put marriage in a Christian context. Many marriages without Christ tend to fail eventually  as a result of confusion, disunity and disappointment. These failures also occur all too often to Christians who are not experiencing the true life of Christ.

Paul’s instructions are intriguing for what he didn’t say. Paul never instructed wives to love their husbands. I find this a rather glaring omission and want to know why.

In Ephesians 5:25-33 Paul instructed husbands on their roles: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.… In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body…. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.”

The loving sacrifice of Jesus Christ in dying on the cross for His church is the model for how husbands are to love their wives. Husbands are to lay down their lives in sacrifice for their wives in the same way Jesus laid down His life in sacrifice for His church.

Could you imagine that submitting to a husband who always had your best interests at heart might be a rather lovely and enjoyable thing to do!

I often think of the husband as being like the sun and the wife being like the moon. The sun gives off the light and the moon reflects it back. Whatever the husband gives to his wife she will often reflect right back to him. Show me a husband who is pouring anger, resentment, disapproval, disappointment and hurt into his marriage and I will show you a wife who is soon reflecting anger, resentment, disapproval, disappointment and hurt right back to her husband.

On the other hand, show me a husband who is pouring in love, acceptance, forgiveness, approval and compassion and I will show you a wife who is soon reflecting love, acceptance, forgiveness, approval and compassion right back to her husband.

I often use these instructions when I perform wedding ceremonies. I say to the bride, “If he were to love you like Christ loved the church, if he were to lay down his life in sacrifice for you, if he were always to put you and your needs first and if he were defer his own needs in order that your needs were met at all costs, wouldn’t you find it easy to love a man like that?”

I wish you could see the sparkle in her eyes as looks over at the man of her dreams—could she love a man like that! You bet she could! Could she respect a man like that! You bet she could! Could she submit to a man like that—one who always had her best interests at heart—you bet she could!

When husbands love as Christ loved Paul has no need to instruct wives to love them in return—the love of the wives comes automatically.

By the way, remember that wives are to respect their husbands? Respect is a “big deal” for men. Unfortunately, respect does not come automatically. Respect is cultivated over time by the husband’s careful loving and caring for the emotional, physical and spiritual needs of his wife. A wife who expresses respect for her husband goes a long way toward meeting one of the deepest needs in his life.

I hope you will be able to share this perspective on a husband being the “head” of the wife. Perhaps your friend and his wife will find that when the Bible is properly understood, it is relevant for every generation and culture.

I hope this helps.

Love,
Roger

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5 Lessons Mary Taught Me about Being a Mother

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

You never stop being a mom. From the day you learn you have a bun in the oven to the day you breathe your last, your child is always on your mind and in your heart.

Mary, Jesus’ mother, encourages me. Her struggles are my struggles. 

1. Being a mom is scary. Mary taught us to entrust our kids to God.

Pregnancy is terrifying for every expectant mother.

“Will I get fat?  Will labor and delivery hurt? Will my baby be healthy? Will my husband still love me? Can I handle being a parent?”

Pregnancy for Mary was more than scary, it was life threatening.

Luke tells the story of the angel’s announcement to Mary in Luke 1:26-38:

“The angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.’

‘How will this be,’ Mary asked the angel, ‘since I am a virgin?’”

The angel answered, ‘The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.'”

Mary knew the cost of being an unwed mother. She risked losing the man she loved, the reputation she guarded and even excruciating execution by stoning. (Leviticus 22:23-24.)

I became pregnant with our first child right after we moved 1,000 miles away from family and friends to the sweltering Arizona desert. Roger, my husband, was a young pastor. This was our first full-time church. We had 500 Bible commentaries and no money. But God called us to go there. I was petrified. How could we afford to have a baby?

Mary accepted the risks of God’s call. She believed that God would be a Father to His Son. I was inspired by her to trust Him and be obedient to His timing and perfect plan.

2. Mary didn’t face motherhood alone. Neither will you.

People don’t often realize that when the angel came to Mary, he told her about Elizabeth’s pregnancy at the very same time.

Luke 1:36: “…Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age.”

Mary immediately went to visit her cousin Elizabeth when Gabriel disappeared. What reassurance and encouragement Elizabeth gave in Luke 1:41-45!

“When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.  She exclaimed: ‘Blessed are you among women and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!’”

Mary was not alone when she carried her child. She didn’t know Joseph would marry her until she returned from her visit with Elizabeth, three months into her pregnancy. Elizabeth’s encouragement sustained Mary and kept her focused on God’s promise.

Roger and I learned our first baby was in danger ten weeks into my pregnancy. I carried our daughter to term, but she was born with a genetic defect that would eventually take her life.  We fed her milk with a tiny syringe for nine months. But we weren’t alone. Ten of our church ladies appeared at our door and rotated overnight stays with our baby girl so we could sleep. Even with parents so far away, we never felt alone.

3. Mary wanted to protect her son. We must let our kids go and grow.

We witness a telling episode between Mary and her son as she loses Jesus while traveling.

“When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.’

‘Why were you searching for me?’ he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?’ But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.” (Luke 2:45-52).

Note that Mary and Joseph frantically searched for Jesus. They felt mistreated. Jesus’ answer didn’t reassure them (v. 50). Yet Mary pondered (ruminated upon) Jesus’ words. She trusted God to bring about His plan for Jesus’ life.

Brianna, my oldest daughter, sailed through puberty. Yes, there were wardrobe battles, but she was a people-pleaser. My younger daughter, Bronwyn, was a rebel determined to break the “pastor’s kid” mold. She died her hair orange and pierced her belly button with a safety pin before she turned 13. How could I let her grow up safely without locking her in a closet?

My girls are grown now. They are brilliant, beautiful women. However, I still struggle with being overprotective. I need to watch God work even when I don’t understand what He is doing.

4. Mary wanted Jesus to fulfill his destiny her way. Our job is to help our kids open God’s ‘Sealed Orders’ for their lives.

Mary tried to jump-start Jesus’ ministry at the wedding feast in Cana:

“When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine.’ ‘Woman,why do you involve me?’ Jesus replied. ‘My hour has not yet come.’ His mother said to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’” (John 2:3-5)

Mary was also eager for Jesus to perform a miracle because people may have accused her of bearing an illegitimate son.

In an especially rancorous exchange the Jews retort to Jesus “We are not illegitimate children…The only Father we have is God himself.” (John 8:41)

“We’re not illegitimate!” The syntax of the assertion puts the emphasis on the “we” and thus implies, “We’re not illegitimate–you are!”

I’m sure Mary thought she was helping Jesus. She wanted to prove Jesus’ power and clear her name.

But Mary’s overprotective nature could have hurt Christ’s work!

Mark 3:20-21 describes a moment when Jesus’ mother and brothers wanted to take Jesus away from his ministry. They thought He had gone off the deep end.

“Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that He and His disciples were not even able to eat. When His family heard about this, they went to take charge of Him, for they said, ‘He is out of His mind!’”

Mary was worried.  But how many sick and injured people would have missed Jesus’ healing touch if He had followed Mary home?

God’s plan was different.  Jesus did and said the unexpected. He was an unconventional Messiah.

Roger’s mother wanted a preacher in the family. Fortunately, God called my husband to preach when he was seven. His Mom tirelessly trained him, forcing him to practice his sermons behind the counter in the kitchen to his “congregation” in the den. She dreamed her Golden Boy would one day become a famous Texas pastor.

But God called Roger to a small church in Arizona. When we first arrived in Tucson, there were only a handful of Christians. It was the wild, Wild West! And his Mom was a world away.

Roger’s mom saw God’s Hand at work over time, but it wasn’t Plan A for her.

We can’t force our children into our mold. God uniquely calls our kids, and His plan may surprise us.

5. Mary had to watch her Son suffer. We must allow our children to suffer for their good.

The road Jesus walked would lead to a bloody cross. John 19:25-27 reads:

“Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Cleopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’”

Mary knew about Jesus’ calling. She probably taught Him the Psalm of the Cross (Psalm 22) while He sat on her lap. She remembered Gabriel’s words, the star, the wise man’s gift of myrrh, the prophecies of Simeon and Anna.  Mary watched in horror as Jesus hung, suspended between heaven and earth. She knew His destiny, but I’m sure Jesus’ mother hoped for another way to save His people. His suffering was hers as well.

My oldest daughter suffers with chronic pain and nausea every day. Today she just finished a regular 12-hour IV infusion to fortify her immune system. It is a hard-won fight. Every time I take in a breath, I think of her. I eagerly await little victories instead of devastating setbacks.

No mother wants to see her child suffer. Not one.

But Jesus’ suffering brought sinful mankind eternal life. And suffering builds character in our sons and daughters.

Mary continues to inspire me to be a mother of faith, a mother of patience and a mother of prayer.

I hope to love my girls like she loved her Son, and that this will inspire you to do the same.

 

 

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Ruth: How to Have Loving In-Law Relationships

by Erin Davis
written by Erin Davis

I once heard someone say that the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the most fragile of all human relationships. If you are one of those people, you already know this relationship can get sticky.

Mothers-in-law often fulfill a role that is part mother, part friend, and part threat in the lives of their son’s wives. Daughters-in-law are not quite the same as a biological daughter, and yet they are a huge part of the makeup of the family. The result can be a lot of relational thin ice that is difficult to tread.

Part of the reason why this can be so tricky is because it is hard to see our own faults. Daughters-in-law may be too defensive or easily frustrated by traditions or forms of communication that seem perfectly normal to your family. You may not know how to walk the tightrope of being helpful without being critical, of befriending your daughter-in-law without trying to take the place of her biological mother.

With all of these layers, we need to get serious about studying what God’s Word has to say on the subject. I think you’ll find the Bible offers surprisingly clear guidelines on how to treat each other. Even if your relationship is great, we can all learn about loving each other better.

A Biblical Example

The book of Ruth contains many important themes, but one we often miss is that relationships with mothers-in-law can be amicable and that honoring each other can lead to great blessing. Ruth and Naomi faced difficult circumstances and yet they loved each other well, respected each other, and were blessed because they decided that God’s standards for relationships applied to the way they treated each other.

For daughters-in-law, here are several key themes worth noting from the book of Ruth:

  • Ruth begged to stay with her mother-in-law rather than return to her own family after her husband’s death. Ruth opened her heart and allowed herself to bond to her husband’s mom. As daughters-in-law, we’ve got to choose to be open to giving and receiving love from our mother-in-law (Ruth 1:16).
  • Ruth was willing to serve Naomi. She chose to roll up her sleeves and do the grunt work of gleaning wheat to provide for herself and her mother-in-law. Have you done something sacrificial lately in order to provide for the needs of your mother-in-law (Ruth 2:2)?
  • It was because of Ruth’s kindness and faithfulness to Naomi that she found favor with Boaz (Ruth 2:11). Disrespecting your mother-in-law may be socially acceptable, but it won’t earn anyone’s admiration.
  • Ruth followed her mother-in-law’s advice. Daughters-in-law, is it possible your mother-in-law is not trying to replace your mom? Maybe her advice has some merit. Don’t buck simply because your mother-in-law offers her two cents every now and then. When possible, adhere to her wisdom (Ruth 3:6).
  • Ruth included Naomi in the celebration of her son’s birth. The in-law relationship seems to really get slippery when the next generation arrives. Suggestions about how to burp and diaper a new baby can turn into fighting words. Daughters-in-law, realize that your baby reminds your mother-in-law of her own babies and that she desperately wants to be a part of the celebration (Ruth 4:17).

Doing Your Part

Clearly, Ruth had an uncanny ability to love and respect Naomi in all circumstances. We can make all kinds of excuses why we can’t treat our mothers-in-law the same way, but the Bible writes us no such permission slip.

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Your mother-in-law may not be as sweet and understanding as Naomi. But honestly, does “corrupting talk” about her help the situation? When was the last time you said something that built her up according to her needs?

Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” You have no control over the behavior of others, including your mother-in-law. But the Bible urges you to do your part to live at peace.

Guidelines for MILs

For you mothers-in-law, I encourage you to take note of the specific guidelines Naomi followed in her relationship with Ruth.

  • “When Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more” (Ruth 1:18). Notice that Naomi didn’t “suggest” that Ruth make a different choice. Ruth was an adult capable of choosing. Naomi honored that.
  • Naomi considered Ruth a daughter (Ruth 2:2). Naomi treated Ruth like her child instead of an afterthought or family addition.
  • Naomi asked Ruth about her day but also offered compliments (Ruth 2:19). MILs, it’s okay to try to be a part of your daughter-in-law’s daily life, but be slow to criticize and quick to praise her for raising your grandbabies and caring for your son.
  • Naomi gave Ruth exact instructions for how to secure a “kinsman-redeemer,” and Ruth responded favorably to her mother-in-law’s advice (Ruth 3:1–4). Why? My guess is that Naomi held her tongue until it really mattered. When the stakes were high, Naomi spoke up, and Ruth listened and responded.
  • Naomi saw Ruth’s blessings as a gift, not a threat (Ruth 4:14–17). When Ruth gave birth to Boaz’s son, Naomi’s friends celebrated with her and Naomi received her grandbaby with great joy. For all practical purposes, Ruth was moving on. She now had a husband, a home, and a son. I doubt she was able to spend as much time with her mother-in-law as she had during the season when it was just the two of them, and yet, Naomi’s heart was not consumed with jealousy, bitterness, or resentment. She celebrated what God was doing in the next generation.

An Important Story

The story of Ruth and Naomi is an important one. It was from the line of Ruth and Boaz that David was born and Naomi became King David’s great-great-grandma. Even more importantly, Jesus came from the same lineage.

The story of your family is an important one, too. Ephesians 4:29 urges us to speak words of encouragement for the benefit of “those who hear.” People are watching how you interact to see what it reveals about your faith. God’s standards for how we should treat each other apply to this relationship, even if it takes extra effort.

How would it affect the legacy of your family if you went out of your way to love your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law on God’s terms and vowed only to speak of her in ways that build her up?

What can you do today to love your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law with the radical love of Christ?

www.reviveourhearts.com.Used by permission.

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6 Ways My Sister Taught Me to Honor My Parents

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

How do you treat your elders? Do you respect your aging parents, your frail grandmother, your annoying aunt with dementia? Do you consider them an inspiration, an inconvenience, or both?

 

HONORING YOUR PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS IS IMPORTANT TO GOD!

Here are just a few key examples:

 

·      The first commandment of the “Big 10” reads: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:11

 

·      Moses sternly warns the Israelites. If they fear God, they will respect their seniors: “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord. Leviticus 19:32

 

·      The Apostle Paul promises God’s favor for honoring elders: “Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Ephesians 6:2-3.

 

Joseph and Ham are two Bible characters that shed light on honoring parents. Joseph took care of Jacob. Ham disrespected Noah.

 

Jacob was not a model father. The patriarch’s past was tainted with deception, favoritism, human trafficking and rape. His eleven sons lied to their father for decades about the death of Joseph, Jacob’s favorite son.

However, Joseph honored his father even if Jacob was far from perfect. He summoned his aged father to Egypt. He forgave his brothers and reunited the family. He protected and provided for Jacob in his old age. Even Pharaoh the pagan ruler, knew how to revere Joseph’s elderly father.

Jacob died in Egypt, full of years. The Egyptians honored Joseph’s father. They took forty days to embalm Jacob. His family and friends carried him back to his homeland:

“So Joseph went up to bury his father; all Pharaoh’s officials went with him—the senior courtiers of his household, all the senior officials of the land of Egypt, all Joseph’s household, his brothers, and his father’s household…the great entourage mourned his death with bitter sorrow.” Genesis 50:7-8

Joseph truly honored Jacob.

 

Conversely, Ham dishonored his father Noah. He suffered dire consequences from his blatant disregard for his father’s dignity as recounted in Genesis 9:18-23:

“The sons of Noah who came out of the ark were Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Now Ham was the father of Canaan.  Noah, a man of the soil, began to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of the wine, he got drunk and uncovered himself inside his tent. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness and told his two brothers who were outside. Shem and Japheth took the garment and placed it on their shoulders. Then they walked in backwards and covered up their father’s nakedness. Their faces were turned the other way so they did not see their father’s nakedness.

When Noah awoke from his drunken stupor he learned what his youngest son had done to him. So he said, “Cursed be Canaan!”

Ham’s moment of disrespect caused dire consequences for his offspring for generations!

 

No one is perfect. All of us are fallen and fallible. The longer we live, the more mistakes we make. We must honor our elders because it is the will of God. It is our privilege.

 

So what do we learn from a historical perspective?

 

“The Romans made use of their elderly and had faith in their wisdom and experience,” Cicero wrote “…there is assuredly nothing dearer to a man than wisdom, and though age takes away all else, it undoubtedly brings us that.”

 

Do other cultures honor their elders?

 

In Chinese and Japanese cultures, filial piety, a virtue of respect for one’s father, elders, and ancestors from Confucian philosophy – is highly valued. Japan holds a national holiday every year on the third Monday of September to honor and show appreciation for the elderly. “Respect for the Aged Day” is a paid holiday from work where grandparents receive gifts and share a meal with their families. Indian and Native American families deeply value the wisdom of their elders. Multiple generations of Mediterranean and Latin families live under one roof.

 

Pulitzer prize winner Jared Diamond observes:

“Our American culture cherishes the values of independence, individualism and self-reliance. Older adults suffer as they inevitably lose some of these traits. Our work ethic implies that if you’re no longer working, you’ve lost the main value that society places on you” causes depression and low self-esteem. Retirement means losing social relationships, which, coupled with America’s high mobility, leaves many old people hundreds or even thousands of miles away from longtime friends and family.”

 

So how do we honor our elders? How do we bless and encourage them? I have watched my sister Kathy honor our aging parents for many years. My Mom has mid-stage Alzheimer’s and my Dad had multiple strokes with vascular dementia before he died two years ago. These are the invaluable lessons I learn from her.

 

BE OBSERVANT

 

My Dad, “Poppa,” was extremely independent. He did not want to admit he had trouble taking care of his home, paying his bills or driving his car safely. Kathy allowed him to do as much as he could and praised him for his competency, but prepared to oversee more challenging tasks. Now she supervises the nurses who provide 24-hour care for my Mom.

 

BE INCLUSIVE

 

Kathy celebrates everything and everyone. She is the consummate hostess. Mom and Dad came to every birthday party, anniversary and holiday. One of my most treasured possessions is the photo Kathy staged with “Cutie,” “Poppa,” and all of our extended family just weeks before his death.

 

BE INQUISITIVE

 

My parents were wise, godly people. Kathy brought her grandchildren over to their home and encouraged them to ask every question on their young minds! She bought a toy box full of books and puzzles to play with “Cutie and Poppa.” The great-grandkids listened with glee as Poppa recounted his adventures.

 

BE ENCOURAGING

 

My parents grieved over relocating from their family home in Dallas to the smaller East Texas town where my sister lived. She comforted them and worked tirelessly to involve them in church and community events. Daddy loved the Saturday morning Farmer’s Market when he was alive. Kathy took time out of her busy schedule to enjoy apricot fried pies with him!

 

BE PATIENT

Cutie now asks the same questions over and over again. “Where’s Poppa?” After 63 years of blissful marriage, Mom keenly senses the loss of her Other Half. Instead of getting frustrated, Kathy gently reminds her that Poppa is in heaven. She patiently finds Mom’s purse for the 67th time after mom moves it.

 

BE PRAYERFUL

 

Kathy is a prayer warrior. She constantly prays for Cutie to have God’s peace in the loss of her husband. She prays for each one of Mom’s caregivers. She prays for wisdom and strength to love own children and grandchildren more each day.

 

I can’t tell you how much I admire my sister for honoring my parents!

 

“…For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the king will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.’  Matthew 25:35-40

 

 

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Praying Scripture for Your Grandchildren

by Deborah Haddix
written by Deborah Haddix

You simply cannot go wrong when praying Scripture.

To be honest, as I look back over my life of prayer I must admit there have been times when I simply did not know what to pray – blank mind, no words.  There have also been times when my prayers seemed mechanical – rote, repetitive, even dull.

 

On occasion my prayers have even felt powerless – ineffective, as though they made no difference.

 

Can you relate?  Ever feel like you are praying “wrong” or your prayers are of no benefit?

 

Over the past year or so, I have discovered that there are many ways to “breathe new life” into my prayers when faced with any of these scenarios.  

 

Just what do we mean when we say, “PRAY SCRIPTURE?”

According to Evan B. Howard, author of Praying the Scriptures, “To pray the Scriptures is to order one’s time of prayer around a particular text in the Bible.” 

 

This can be done in one of several ways including:

  • Praying Scripture word-for-word as you read a chosen portion of Scripture in a prayerful manner.
  • Personalizing the Scripture by inserting your own names or names of your loved ones as you pray.
  • Reading through a passage or verse several times emphasizing a different word each time.
  • Praying through topics using Scriptural texts.

PRAYING SCRIPTURE is not only one of my favorite ways to “breathe new life” into my prayers, it is one of my favorite tools for praying for my grandchildren.

Some Scriptures especially suited to praying for grandchildren are Numbers 6:22-27, Ephesians 1:15-23, Ephesians 3:14-21, Philippians 1:9-11, Colossians 1:9-12, Psalm 91, Psalm 139, and The Book of Proverbs.

 

Let’s take a closer look at PRAYING SCRIPTURE using one of these passages as it might be prayed for a grandchild:

 

For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.  And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.  — Ephesians 1:15-23 (ESV)

 

One way to pray this Scripture for our grandchildren would be to personalize it by reading it as though it were written specifically for one’s own grandchild.

 

Additionally, the pray-er could personalize it even more by making personal petitions on behalf of their grandchild as they read/pray.

 

For example, at “give thanks” a grandparent could stop and take a few moments to thank God for a grandchild or all of their grandchildren by name.  While giving thanks, a praying grandparent might also want to offer thanks for the privilege of being a grandparent and for God’s very gracious blessings.

 

At “may give you the Spirit of wisdom,” ask God to give your grandchildren spiritual wisdom for the purpose of making godly decisions.  Pray that your grandchildren would develop a sense of holy reverence and awe of the Lord.

 

As you pray for “the revelation in the knowledge of him,” pray that God will help your grandchild to grow in knowledge of and love for Christ.

 

As you continue, pray that each of your grandchildren will have the eyes of their hearts enlightened; that they will get understanding and hate every false way (Psalm 119:104).

 

When you pray “that [your grandchild] may know what is the hope to which he has [been] called,” ask God to help your grandchild live with an eternal perspective.  Pray that your grandchild would come to know Christ, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).

 

Thank God for the eternal inheritance He has in store for your grandchildren (Ephesians 1:14, Colossians 3:24, Hebrews 9:15, 1 Peter 1:4).

 

Ask God to enable your grandchildren to live obediently through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Thank Him for the life-from-death power that is accessible to your grandchildren.

 

Pray that the Holy Spirit would provide strength to enable your grandchildren to resist temptation and to live brave.

 

Finally, pray that your grandchildren would be established in love and grasp the love of Christ.  Ask God to help your grandchildren love others, walk in love, and live in the freedom of Jesus’ unconditional love.

If you have never PRAYED SCRIPTURE before, why not begin here?  Then try praying some of the other passages for your grandchildren.  As you become more comfortable with the practice, you might even pray Scripture for others or yourself.

 

PRAYING SCRIPTURE:

  • Provides us with the WORDS to pray.
  • Allows us to use the emotions of the Bible as we pray.
  • Strengthens our “prayer” confidence.
  • Teaches us how to communicate with God.
  • Deepens our relationship with our Heavenly Father.
  • Makes us pliable to His shaping.
  • Combines the spiritual discipline of engaging with Scripture with the spiritual discipline of praying to provide more benefit to the soul.

I’d love to hear how PRAYING SCRIPTURE has impacted your life or how you might choose to pray Ephesians 1:15-23 for your grandchildren.  Please share by leaving a comment.

www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission. 

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Grandparent’s Guide: The Art of Asking Questions

by Deborah Haddix
written by Deborah Haddix

One of the most powerful tools any grandparent can utilize is that of asking questions. This simple act reaps so many benefits.

Asking questions of your grandchildren shows your interest in them and draws them into conversation. Your questions can help you learn more about your grandchild’s personality, their daily life, struggles, and feelings. Additionally, the conversations that flow naturally from your questions help strengthen your grandparent/grandchild connection and build deep relationship.

Question asking is a powerful tool. However, like anything else, the better we understand this tool, the more effective its use.

Practical Ways to Develop the Art of Asking Questions

Be present with your grandchild.

You’re asking questions because you want to connect with your grandchild. Your desire is to build deep relationships. This isn’t going to happen if you grandchild feels like they are part of an inquisition.

Create a safe and comfortable atmosphere by “doing” something together as you talk – go fishing, work a jigsaw puzzle, cook dinner, take a walk.

Do your homework. Then ask questions that connect.

Listen when your grandchildren talk. It’s so easy to tune them out, paying absolutely no attention. But when we make the effort to listen, we will hear all kinds of things about their school day, their friends, and situations that are causing them angst. These are the things to ask questions about later.

Other homework tips:

  • Listen, as well, when the parents of your grandchildren are sharing things with you that your grandchildren are going through. These are also things to note and ask your grandchild about.
  • Keep a pad of paper and a pencil by the phone. When you talk with your grandchildren, write down the things you want to remember for following up on in the future.
  • Set reminder alarms on your phone to help you remember to ask your questions in a timely manner. (For instance, follow-up on a major test or cheerleading try-out.)

Get to the heart of the matter.

Just as there’s a place for “small” talk, there’s a place for “small” questions.

Absolutely, use one or two “small” questions for easing into the deeper matters, but don’t waste your entire time together discussing the obvious. You want to ask questions that reveal something to you about your grandchild.

“Small” questions, typically:

  • Elicit a “yes” or “no” answer.
  • Don’t require much thought to answer.
  • Do not reveal anything new about your grandchild.
  • Have obvious answers.

Examples of “Small” questions:
“What’s up?”
“How ya doing?”
“What about those (insert name of favorite sport’s team)?”
“How was your day?”
“What about this weather?”

Fit your question to your grandchild.

I have eleven grandchildren – eleven individuals, eleven unique personalities. They don’t all respond well to the same type of question. A few of my grandchildren are great with me jumping right into the heart of a matter. Others need a little warm-up time. There are a couple who are willing and able to respond to my questions right away. Then there are the ones who need some space (quiet time) to process the question before offering a response.

It’s okay to have a stock pile of questions. However, it’s so important to know how to take those questions and reword them or modify your “asking” technique in order to make the most of your time with your grandchild.

Ask open-ended questions.

Rather than asking, “Do you like school?” Ask, “What do you like most about school?”

You won’t learn much by a “yes” or “no” answer, but responses to open-ended questions can lead to enlightening conversation and provide a glimpse into your grandchild you might otherwise not have gotten.

Better yet, ask for stories.

Even better are questions that allow your grandchild to respond with a story. This is much for comfortable for them, and the story will reveal things to you that no “answer” ever will.

Ask, then wait.

As mentioned previously, some children need time to process the question, their response, or how they think you might react. Always give some wait time.

And… listen well.

A big part of developing the Art of Asking Questions, is to learn to listen well.

Listen with your ears and your eyes.

Give your grandchild your full attention. This means putting your phone away and removing all other distractions. Show them their importance by keeping your eyes on them while they speak.

Use appropriate body language.

Lean in! Smile. Nod. Let your grandchild know that you are listening through body language that communicates just that. They’re not going to be very interested in future conversations with us if our body language shouts, “I’m not listening!”

Focus on understanding.

How many of us are guilty of thinking about how we are going to respond WHILE our grandchild is speaking to us? When we do that, we are not really hearing what is being said. One of the best things we can do to develop the art of asking questions, is to learn to focus on hearing and understanding our grandchild rather than on planning how we will respond. Listen for what is spoken and what lies underneath.

Learn to rephrase.

One way to help with focus while listening is to learn to rephrase what your grandchild has said. Simply rephrase something your grandchild has said to show that you are listening. This can be done at an appropriate time during the conversation or when your grandchild has finished speaking.

Another rephrasing strategy that helps you move beyond the spoken word to a place of understanding is to say to your grandchild, “What I think I hear you saying is….”

Listen – without fixing, without preaching

One common mistake grandparents often make when their grandchildren share something with them is that they’re too quick to try to solve the problem.

Unless you are specifically asked, don’t try to fix the problem or give advice. If you are asked for advice, keep your words short and to the point. And, this is so important, do not preach at your grandchild. They get enough of that from other adults in their lives. You need to be a safe place. Remember, if you have lived an authentic life of faith before your grandchild, they know how you feel. Resist the urge to preach. Instead, bathe both your grandchild and the problem in prayer.

The Art of Asking Questions is a skill worth honing. Ask a well-crafted question, and you can open up a closed-mouthed grandchild and gain insight into their life.  Listen well, and you can learn to hear so much more than simply the words that are being said.

www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.

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5 “C’s” of Successful Parenting

by Drew Anderson
written by Drew Anderson

“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them…”
Psalm 127:3-5a

I am a father of three children. They’re not too old, and they’re not too young. They’re little kids that are full of boundless energy, resilient joy, and broad imaginations. They let us know how they feel when they feel it, and they are constantly learning the so-called art of navigating this terrifyingly wonderful world. These children of ours are precious in every sense of the word. They are unique, yet they are similar. They have remarkable memories and impressionable spirits. They’re quick to forgive, while at the same time sponge-like copy-cats. We often see ourselves in them, and at times the sides of us we wish would not be repeated. These are our children. They’re a beautiful mix of wonderful, challenging, and magnanimous. What a glorious and humbling endeavor–that of the parent.

Yet, a parent is often left to their own intuition, patience, experience, and learning to navigate the choppy and tempestuous seas of parenting. What happens oftentimes is that many parents are left wondering and wandering…

If you’re like me, this can be the case. And so, below are five C’s to aid in the Art of Parenting:

Courage

Parenting is daunting and being a parent isn’t something you can just turn off or walk away from–you never stop being no matter what. From the moment of the first cry of that little child there is a sense of excitement, wonder, exhilaration; yet at the same time helplessness, fear, and anxiety. Some people feel these emotions more than others, and some have more support than others to help navigate these new and boundless waters. I’ll never forget the first moment of panic as we were trying to leave the hospital after the birth of our first child. There I was–with zero training–changing the diaper and putting on new clothes when she began to awkwardly stretch her head back and violently (or so I thought) arch her back in the air. There I was–fumbling through little snaps on a onesie–helplessly watching my daughter contort and start to turn blue in the face. I panicked, handed her to my wife–who was as shocked and clueless as me–and ran out the door looking for someone (anyone) to help. To our advantage, as I rounded the corner of our hospital room, there was a nurse gingerly walking down the hallway with a salad in her hand. I hollered out, “We need your help right now…our daughter can’t breathe…she’s turning blue.” That sweet nurse threw down her salad and came-a-run’n! She swiftly scooped up our Ruth into her arms, rolled her over, and began to resolvedly pat her on the center of her back. She then proceeded to masterfully apply the use of the bulb-syringe until all the tiny airways of this little 2-day old were free from any obstructions. And then…she handed over our sweet little daughter to us, and calmly informed us that she was simply choking on her amniotic fluid, which happens to be a common occurrence with newborns. You should have seen our faces–at least mine. We were dumb-struck, fear-laden, and stunned. “How could we leave this place,” we thought. And then, the nurse gingerly walked out and left us there with this tiny human–completely responsible for her wellbeing. We were overwhelmed to say the least.

Maybe your story didn’t have this type of event, but I know it has had some facet of it. As some point as a parent you have found yourself in a place of utter panic or fear or shock as you looked helplessly at your child. Maybe it’s trying to get them to eat their vegetables, wear a certain article of clothing, keep them from disrespecting or disobeying your spouse, and on and on. Every parent finds themselves at some point at a loss and fearful, and that’s exactly why parenting takes COURAGE. Perhaps you’ve heard the definition of courage–it’s not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.

And so, courage is the first component in The Art of Parenting. Lean in, press on, and face each new day as a parent with courage.

Clarity

How many times have you had an avoidable misunderstanding that led to conflict with someone? Odds are, it was avoidable because it was caused by a lack of clarity in communication. I’ve heard it said that 80% of conflict arises from just that–miscommunication. If that’s remotely accurate, then how much benefit could we add to our relationships simply by ensuring that we are clear in our communication?  And that’s exactly why CLARITY is the second aspect in the Art of Parenting.

No child should ever be disciplined or reprimanded–even in part–from a lack of clear expectations. It’s one of the most confusing and frustrating things for a child to receive punishment for something they didn’t know they should or should not do. I’ll never forget the looks on my children’s faces when I have done this. It’s a look of innocent and genuine confusion. It’s a sad face that says, “What did I do?” It breaks my heart to even think I’ve done this, but I have. And most of the time it has been reprimanding when I’ve been in a hurry. At some level, we’ve all been there, and we’ve all experienced this. We don’t like to receive rebuke for something we didn’t know we should or should not do, and neither do our children.

Therefore, being clear as parent on your expectations for your children is worth every effort of imagination and investment you are willing to give. Be clear on what you want and what you don’t want, because those expectations are the guard rails you put up for your children in the journey of life that you must maintain. As a side note, really seek wisdom on what should be your expectations for them, because it will directly impact the next aspect in the Art of Parenting.

Consistency

Another frustrating and confusing action of a parent to a child is a lack of consistency. One minute you’re happy and you’re full of praise, and then the next minute you’re mad and angrily barking at your children. One minute you’re reprimanding a disobedient action of your child, and then the next moment you’re letting is slide. One moment you care about your expectations for them, and then next moment you’re just trying to pacify the moment. We get it. We’ve all been there.

However, consistently inconsistent people will always struggle in life, and for sure in parenting. You’ll quickly lose the respect of your children, which will lead to more disobedience and disdain (both for you to them and them to you). There really is no other way to put it. Now, it’s important to point out that we all fail (which we deal with in our last aspect below), but that doesn’t mean that inconsistency has to be a pattern. No, no, we need to strive for consistency in carrying out the reprimand for the disobedience of our clearly communicated expectations. I’ll put it like this, if we keep letting our children jump the guard rails (clear expectations), then we’ve never put guard rails up in the first place (we’re simply not clear).

Thus, we must be consistent at all costs. It doesn’t matter if you have to leave a fun activity, leave an enjoyable dinner, or show up late to a friend’s birthday party. This is a practical foundation you want to be building upon. Be consistent with your expectations, which will force you to really be convicted about your expectations. Otherwise, with too many expectations, you will drive yourself and your kids crazy. Choose your expectations well, and then be consistent.

Calm

When your children jump over the guard rails (your clear expectations), and you’re consistent to bring them back over through discipline or reprimand, you must strive to do so with a calm spirit and controlled disposition. It’s one thing to bend a child’s will, and another to crush their spirit. As a parent, we’re to bend our children’s wills (their own predilections to choose what’s best for them), because it is part of preparing them to be an adult and a parent themselves. But, we should never strive to crush their spirits. We all know how we can crush their spirits, but suffice it to say that reprimanding or disciplining in anger, frustration, or exasperation is a sure fire way to do so–and will usually end in regret and shame.

Your being calm as you carry out rebuke for a child breaking a clear expectation will endear your children to you. This is a paradox, but it is true. They will love and respect you more when they see you calmly and lovingly parenting them and preparing them for life as an adult and parent.

Therefore, strive to be calm and controlled as you are consistent to carry out your clear expectations.

Confession

If we stopped at being calm, then we might all feel some shade of discouragement. Why? Because every parent has struggled in some form or fashion to have courage, to be clear, to be consistent, and to remain calm. We blow it. We have regrets, and we wish we could start over.

And so, one of the greatest gifts you could ever give to your children is confession. Let them know and see and hear and feel and taste and touch that you are not perfect, but that you rely on a perfect Father who sent His Son to live the life you couldn’t live, to die the death you wouldn’t die, and to conquer death and promise eternal life with Him through His resurrection. Let your children hear you say, “I’m sorry for __________. Will you please forgive me?” Let them hear you ask for forgiveness for not being clear, for not being consistent, and for not being calm. Let them also see you go to the Father in prayer asking for forgiveness from Him as well.

As a parent you are not going to be perfect, and your children know this. And so, don’t try to be. Even if your kids are older, it’s never too late to come back and confess for years of neglect or inconsistency. If your children have passed on from this life and you have no way of making right the years of neglect, then confess to the Father and entrust your past deeds to Him. He is the One who makes all things new! Never forget that–Jesus came to make ALL things new!

Therefore, don’t let your children leave your house without you modeling to them and preparing them for a life of confession. What you’re doing when you confess to God is you are agreeing with God that what you have done is inconsistent with His perfect character (i.e. you’ve sinned), and you are looking to Him for forgiveness (i.e. restoring fellowship). What you are doing when you confess to your children when you have wronged them is that you are acknowledging that you have failed in displaying to them the perfect character of a perfect Father God, and you are asking for their forgiveness to restore your relationship with them and to point them to the One Father God who will never fail them or wrong them. It’s a beautiful gift–confession that is.

May God give every parent the tenacity to be courageous, clear, consistent, calm, and confessional as they attempt to live and apply the Art of Parenting.

www.staffandstones.com. Used by permission.

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Good Parenting: The Model for Godly Leadership

by John MacArthur
written by John MacArthur

The pattern of servant leadership didn’t originate in the New Testament. It was woven into the fabric of creation, all the way back to the original relationship the Lord designed and established between Adam and Eve.

Paul emphasizes that cooperative relationship when he described his own care for the church at Thessalonica. Yesterday we looked at the maternal side of Paul’s leadership. But obviously, the affectionate, self-sacrificial traits of motherhood don’t exhaust what it means to be a leader. The other side of the leadership coin is equally important, and often what people associate with leadership.

While true leadership exhibits nurturing, maternal care, it is anything but effeminate. There’s an indispensable balance to the equation, and it is embodied in manly attributes such as strength, valor, and boldness. Accordingly, as the apostle Paul describes his own approach to leadership, he compares himself not only to a gentle nursing mother, but also to a watchful, concerned father. In 1 Thessalonians 2:10-12 he writes:

You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.

Paul sets the mother-father analogies side by side deliberately. He is stressing the importance of a balanced approach to leadership. He is also vividly affirming the most vital principle of Jesus’ teaching about leadership: that the tyrant who wants to exalt himself and be served rather than care for his people is no true leader at all (Matthew 20:25-28; 23:8-12).

What do tenderhearted mothers and loving fathers have in common? The motive that drives them is a desire for their children’s maturity and well-being. A good father is no less self-giving than a nursing mother. But his role is different. The mother tenderly nurtures the infant; the father is the principal guardian and guide.

It ought to be obvious to all but the most determined feminist that the differences between men and women go beyond merely physical distinctions. Characteristics like compassion, gracefulness, and gentleness are commonly found in greater abundance among women; while qualities like courage, stamina, and strength of conviction are the hallmarks of masculinity.

Scripture recognizes and affirms these gender differences. In 1 Corinthians 16:13, Paul writes, “Act like men.” The full verse makes his meaning clear: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” Watchfulness, strong convictions, and strength are the kinds of characteristics Paul has in mind. The context indicates the strength Paul has in mind is not merely physical strength but toughness of character, courage and stamina, fortitude. Those are of course the very features human societies have traditionally associated with masculinity.

And those are likewise vital characteristics of every truly godly father. When Paul speaks of the paternal aspect of leadership in 1 Thessalonians 2:11, such qualities are precisely what he has in mind.

Paul introduces the father analogy by reminding the Thessalonians how he and his associates in ministry had behaved in their midst: “You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers” (v. 10). Paul’s motives were clearly not self-serving. All could see that his goal was the advancement of the gospel among the Thessalonians, not personal gain for himself at their expense. His conduct reflected the highest level of holiness and integrity.

That is every father’s duty: to set the standard of integrity in the family. That is also every spiritual leader’s responsibility.

Paul uses three significant adjectives in that statement: “holy and righteous and blameless.” Holiness has to do with the purity of one’s life before God. Righteousness has a dual focus, encompassing one’s duty to God as well as one’s duty to fellow humans. Blamelessness refers to one’s reputation—how others perceive his character. Paul’s behavior among the Thessalonians was the very model of what every leader’s character should be: before God, holy; before God and men, righteous; and before men, blameless.

But being a true leader (and a good father) is not just modeling; it’s also teaching. Therefore, Paul says, “Like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory” (1 Thessalonians 2:11-12).

Like a wise father, the godly spiritual leader lives the virtuous pattern his children are supposed to follow. But he doesn’t stop with that. He carefully instructs and exhorts them—individually when necessary. He also encourages them and helps them along.

There is obviously a large element of authority in the father’s role, but a godly father doesn’t wield that power in an authoritarian way. He is patient, encouraging, and personally involved with his children, showing them love in the process—even when it is necessary to rebuke or discipline them.

This balance is absolutely crucial to all spiritual leadership. Christ embodied it. Paul modeled it for us. Every spiritual leader ought to aspire to maintain the balance, and not lean too far to one side or the other. The true spiritual leader is at once tender and loving like a nursing mother, as well as firm and courageous like a confident father. He maintains on the one hand a concern for the person, on the other hand a concern for the process; on the one hand a concern for kindness, on the other hand a concern for control; on the one hand a concern for affection, on the other hand a concern for authority. He is on the one hand embracing, on the other hand exhorting; on the one hand cherishing, on the other hand challenging.

It is a beautiful, robust balance that God has designed right into the fabric of our families. It is the perfect epitome of what all leaders in the church should aspire to be. And where there is that balance in our leaders’ lives, the church is greatly blessed.

www.gty.org. Copyright June 1, 2012. 

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How to Teach Your Children about Same-Sex Marriage

by Russell Moore
written by Russell Moore

Same-sex marriage, transgender orientation, and bisexuality fill movies, television and social media. It’s everywhere. So should Christian parents remain silent, or do they help their children understand what the Bible says about marriage and sex in a way they can understand? Dr. Russell Moore address these issues eloquently:

“Some Christian parents wonder how they ought to explain all of this to their small children. How does one teach the controversy, without exposing one’s children to more than they can handle?

First of all, you should, I think, talk to your children about this. No matter how you shelter your family, keeping your children from knowing about the contested questions about marriage would take a “Truman Show”-level choreography of their lives. That’s not realistic, nor is it particularly Christian.

The Bible isn’t nearly as antiseptic as Christians sometimes pretend to be, and it certainly doesn’t shirk back from addressing all the complexities of human life. If we are discipling our children, let’s apply the Scriptures to all of life.  If we refuse to talk to our children about some issue that is clearly before them, our children will assume we are unequipped to speak to it, and they’ll eventually search out a worldview that will.

This doesn’t mean that we rattle our children with information they aren’t developmentally ready to process. But we know how to navigate that already. We talk, for instance, about marriage itself, and we give age-appropriate answers to the “Where do babies come from?” query. The same is true here. There is no need to inform small children about all the sexual possibilities in graphic detail in order to get across that Jesus calls us to live as husbands and wives with fidelity and permanence and complementarity.

Some parents believe that teaching their children the controversies about same-sex marriage will promote homosexuality. Christians and non-Christians can agree that sexual orientation doesn’t work that way. Moreover, the exact opposite is true. If you don’t teach your children about a Christian way of viewing the challenges to a Christian sexual ethic, the ambient culture will fill in your silence with answers of its own.

You can tell your children that people in American culture disagree about what marriage is. You can explain to them what the Bible teaches, from Genesis to Jesus to the apostles, about a man and a woman becoming one-flesh. You can explain that as Christians we believe this marital relationship is different than other relationships we have. You can then tell them that some people have relationships they want to be seen as marriages, and that the Supreme Court is addressing that.

You can then explain that you love your neighbors who disagree with you on this. You agree that they ought to be free from mistreatment or harassment. But the church believes government can’t define or redefine marriage, but can only recognize what God created and placed in creation. Explain why you think mothers and fathers are different, and why those differences are good. Find examples in your own family of how those differences work together for the common good of the household, and point to examples in Scripture of the same.

Don’t ridicule or express hostility toward those who disagree. You might have gay or lesbian family members; be sure to express your love for them to your children, even as you say that you disagree about God’s design for marriage. You probably have already had to do that with family members or friends who are divorced or cohabiting or some other situation that falls short of a Christian sexual ethic. If your children see outrage in you, rather than a measured and Christlike biblical conviction, they eventually will classify your convictions here in the same category as your clueless opinions about “kids these days and their loud music.”

The issues at stake are more important than that. Marriage isn’t ultimately about living arrangements or political structures, but about the gospel. When your children ask about the Supreme Court, be loving and winsome and honest and convictional and kind.”

www.russellmoore.org. Used by permission. 

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Single Dads: Get Your Son to Talk

by Jason Isaak
written by Jason Isaak

“Hi, son! How was your day?”

 “Fine.”

“What happened at school?”

 “Nothing.”

“Anything happen you would like to talk about?”

 “No.”

 

Sound like a familiar conversation when you pick your kid up? Let’s acknowledge that a conversation between a single father (or any father) and child benefits both the father and child. Let’s acknowledge the importance of verbal communication for the development of our kids from a social and emotional standpoint.

 

If you have had experiences like the one I shared above, we need to move beyond the “why” and get to the “how.”

 

OBSERVE:

 

When do you like to talk to others and when do you like to be left alone?

 

Do you want peace and quiet before breakfast?

 

Until you get to work?

 

Do you need some time to decompress after a long day and collect your thoughts without engaging in conversation?

 

Well, our kids have similar preferences. Learn yours and learn theirs. Use that information to determine the best time to engage in meaningful conversation. Many kids do not want to talk about their day at school immediately after leaving, and instead would like to listen to music or shoot some hoops – not a good time to actively engage. Instead, figure out when they are most open. For many, it is often at bedtime they want to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.

 

ASK QUESTIONS:

 

Would you rather get a lecture or engage in a dialogue?

 

Often, we equate talking to our kids with telling our kids what we think. Instead, observe which questions pique their interest and elicit a response more than a simple “yes” or “no.” Sometime our kids need to hear from us in the lecture format, but talking to them involves a two-way dialogue. Properly worded questions can sometimes teach more than any droning lecture because they encourage our kids to think about choices and the reasons behind them.

 

INVITE QUESTIONS: We used to have a time before bed where I told my son he could ask me any question he wanted with the promise I would give an honest answer. When he would ask about the divorce, I honestly told him it was not appropriate for me to discuss and went right into my “broken record” explanation. When he would ask a question about an aspect of science I did not know, I told him I would do some research and get back to him. Sometimes he had no questions and sometimes I knew the answer. Encouraging our kids to ask questions seems to make them more comfortable with talking – at least it did with my son.

 

LISTEN: In those moments you want to really talk to your kids and connect, give them your attention when they talk. Let the phone keep ringing. Do not check your text messages like Pavlov’s dog when the alert sounds. Turn off the television. Engage in eye contact and repeat what they said to you so they know you listened and understood. If our kids sense we do not pay attention to them, why would they talk?

 

DO SOMETHING ACTIVE WHILE YOU TALK: Throwing a football, going for a walk, or swinging at the park can be great ways (especially with boys) to connect and converse. They still have your attention, but there is just something about walking and talking…. Because we regularly play the role of dad and mom, we need to redouble our efforts to connect with our kids in conversation. They need to express feelings and ask questions, but they may not if the foundations of regular communication do not exist.

 

My son has recently shared some concerns with me on his own, with no prompting and seemingly out of the blue. I have told him how appreciative I am that he asked me and thanked him for trusting me with something that was bothering him. I do not believe he would have asked had we not developed our communication skills. Having said that, I still get “fine” and “no” when I pick him up from school. And then he turns on the radio.

 

When do you find your kids most willing to have a good conversation?

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Why Train Your Child to Do Chores?

by Jane Sandwood
written by Jane Sandwood

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 KJV

In America, 82% of adults said that they grew up doing chores. But why is it that only 28% of people said that they give their own children chores to do? One reason is that many children do a lot of extracurricular activities after school. Another reason why fewer children are doing chores is because parents may be reluctant to give their children responsibilities. However, learning to do household chores is essential to a child’s upbringing. Research by the University of Michigan has found that children who do chores have a sense of belonging. Chores actually improve their self-confidence and give them a sense of pride. So how do we get children to look at chores in a new way?

DON’T USE CHORES AS PUNISHMENT!

If you use chores as punishment then it reinforces the idea that they are daily activities that bring no pleasure. Instead, as your children get older, use household tasks to praise their ability to contribute to the daily running of your home. This way they will feel like a valued member of the household – they have some grown-up responsibilities too. Your children can take pride in the skills that they have learned. Start when they are little – for instance, children as young as six can help to wash and dry the dishes, or empty the dishwasher. However, you wouldn’t let a five-year-old do the ironing – it simply wouldn’t be safe or appropriate. A twelve-year-old should be perfectly capable of ironing some t-shirts though.

You are teaching them life skills

It is your responsibility as a parent to prepare your children for the world ahead of them. When sparrows have chicks, they show their little ones how to find food. In the same way, we need to show our children how to cook, clean and look after ourselves, by caring about the environment that we live in. Children go to school to learn academic studies, but their education doesn’t stop there. The practical skills are down to you – your should aim for your children to be able to leave home and fend for themselves. When you are giving your child a job to do, don’t think of it as a chore. Think of it as teaching them something of value – skills for the future. 

Give chores a new name

Chores need to be re-labeled. They are not arduous tasks that nobody wants to do. They are household activities that everyone needs to learn in order to function as a grown adult. These tasks are also a way of showing children that they need to do a few jobs, in order to get time to do the things they enjoy more, such as playing football or watching T.V. An adult goes to work to earn money, then at the end of the day we are rewarded with free time. Asking children to help with simple household tasks, before allowing them to get on with other things, is just instilling a good work ethic. So give chores a new name in your house. Call it “helping time,” or “home jobs.” Just don’t make it sound like a drag.

Giving your children tasks to help around the house is essential as they are growing up. By learning these skills, they can move into the adult world, being able to look after themselves properly.

www.momschoiceawards.com

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Ask Roger

Do Zombies Exist? Was Jesus a Zombie?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Was Jesus a zombie? In this age of “anything goes” some young adults are considering the possibility. According to some, His resurrection and most powerful call to discipleship certainly align themselves with zombie characteristics.

Let me first say Zombie reanimation has nothing to compare itself to the Christian belief about Jesus’ resurrection! The Biblical resurrection presents not a reanimation but a true return to life!

But how do we answer questions from our teens or others who hold these superstitions?.

George Romero’s 1968 movie, “Night of the Living Dead”, popularized the idea of zombies. “The Dawn of the Dead,” and “The Walking Dead” are just a few of the movies and television shows which have infiltrated the American-cultural consciousness.

Zombism is really about a virus or disease that infiltrates someone’s body and kills him/her. The person is then reanimated as a zombie. Unpredictably, the only part of the now undead person is the medulla oblongata or brain stem which controls movement. Hence, the shuffling walk of the dead. Other humans are then infected by a bite or a virus which then turns that person into a zombie, thus perpetrating the cycle. According to “gotquestions.org”, a zombie is “a dead person’s body, reanimated but continuing the process of decay. A zombie is considered “undead” rather than fully alive.

 

Think of Frankenstein and Dracula. Zombies are portrayed as creatures who are out to eat human flesh. Some attribute to zombies the drinking of human blood. However, most of that particular tradition is rooted in the ancient past.

 

Zombie Walks with hundreds of teenager and young adult participants shuffle along in gore make up. These walks often have charitable dimensions, often raising money to combat brain disease.

 

Please don’t fall into the temptation of thinking that zombies are all bad and evil. Some certainly are, and are derived from voodoo practices and beliefs. But, in my opinion, the vast majority of zombie stories, paraphernalia and participations are harmless. My youngest daughter and her husband watch television zombie shows for fun. These bore me to tears. Of course, they have little use for my military movies which I suppose bore them to tears.

 

Zombie games top the list of available apps. Many video games into our homes. “Warm Bodies” are Zombie love stories.

 

Belief in Zombies is nothing new. The first recorded mention of flesh-eating dead is in The Epic of Gilgamesh. Witch doctors and voodoo practitioners in Haiti and throughout the Caribbean have utilized zombies in pagan worship for hundreds of years. Witch doctors are said to exercise complete control over these sad creatures no longer human.

 

Recently, I received the following terse suggestion from a person in India:

Dear Roger,

Check out some zombies verses in the Bible.
Rev. 20:5
Isaiah 26:19-20
Rev. 9:6
Ezekiel 37:3-5
Ecc.9:5-6
Psalm 135-21
Daniel 12-2
From India

 

So, I did a little checking. More than a few Biblical passages seem to talk about Zombies. Let me share several examples:

“The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended” (Revelation 20:5)

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life” (Ezekiel 37:5).

“Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt” (Revelation 12:2).

“And this shall be the plague with which the Lord will strike all the peoples that wage war against Jerusalem: their flesh will rot while they are still standing on their feet, their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongues will rot in their mouths” (Zechariah 14:12).

 

Jesus declared in John 6:53-57: “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me.

 

When zombie enthusiasts read these words from the lips of Jesus it’s no wonder that they wonder if Jesus was a zombie.

 

Jesus instituted the new covenant of love sealed in his flesh and blood: “And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.’ And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me. In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you” (Luke 22:19-20).

 

As Christians we must certainly affirm that Jesus drank the cup ate the flesh and was a dead corpse come back to life by a bodily resurrection. However, the difference between biblical truth and fanaticized zombies is the difference between reanimation and resurrection.

 

Zombies are reanimated and in the process of purification. Jesus was resurrected fully back to life with a fully functioning body. Those resurrected in the biblical record lived to complete their natural lives in the exact same body they lived with (1 Kings 17:12-2; Matthew 9:18-26; John 11:38-44; and Acts 20:9-12 just to share a few examples). They did not wander around attacking people wanting human blood and brain matter.

 

Jesus was crucified on a cross and confirmed dead by a soldier who pierced His side with a spear. Three days later, Jesus was resurrected by God the Father and God the Holy Spirit. (John chapters 20 and 21). The resurrection proved that Jesus’ work on the cross was accepted as perfect work. If Jesus’ work were not perfect, the Father and Spirit would have left Him in the tomb.

 

Jesus lives today in His resurrection body, which does not decay, has no appearance of death, and is forever immune from death, injury, and sickness. In no sense is Jesus still dead. Jesus declared, “I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive forever and ever!” (Revelation 1:18).

 

Jesus’ resurrection body will be perfect for all eternity, and those who receive Jesus as their Savior will be granted perfect resurrection bodies, as well. “We shall be like him” (1 John 3:2).

 

So, no, Jesus is not a zombie. Jesus was resurrected, not just reanimated. After His resurrection, He conversed with His disciples, performed miracles, and proved Himself to be, in every way, fully alive.

 

Jesus did not return as a decomposing corpse; He was and is fully alive. This is not fiction. This is not Night of the Living Dead. This is truth from God’s Word.

 

As I researched about zombies I came across an article at “412teens.org” that put a perspective on zombies and morals that I had never considered. It is written, “tongue in cheek,” with insights worth considering:

Some people have the tragic notion that as soon as the first zombie takes the very first juicy bite out of someone’s leg, then all morals go out the window, and we no longer have to follow any of the laws of Christ. But we are assured that, in all time, no circumstance can ever erode the sacred commandments of God, and in every situation, even a zombie apocalypse, God’s Word still applies.

The belief to the contrary, that natural morals are not a fixed thing, which is called relativism, is a completely un-Christian belief. No matter how many zombies there are and how ready for dinner they are, we can never simply abandon our God given morals. Yes, kills streaks and headshots are important, but in defending our family and friends, we just can’t forget God’s love and mercy.

 

Finally, may I reiterate that Zombiesm is for most a literary genre focusing on fascinating, imaginative and scary stories. If we will take the time to look just under the surface we will see that most zombie stories are allegories regarding our present-day values, society, culture, and politics.

 

To you, India, I hope my answer is encouraging and helpful.

Sincerely, Ask Roger

 

 

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Dating and Driving: When Is the Right Time?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Dating at age 16 was the rule in my family. My older sister was clearly ready at age 16. I was so immature at 16. On my first date, I remember showing up late to pick my date up. I dropped her off late. I talked about myself the whole time. For some reason, the girl didn’t want a second date.

 

Why do we use age as the defining term for privileges?

Tradition is the main reason parents use age to determine when privileges are given to their kids. Their parents used age as the guiding light. Their fellow parents use age as the key marker.

There are society age markers, like driver’s license at age 16. These society markers affect when we give privileges to our kids.

Maturity is subjective

Individual kids grow up faster than others. Girls grow up quicker than boys. Kids in the same family will mature at different rates. So, to set privileges based on age ignores the individual child’s maturity and readiness.

How do you know when they are ready?

First, take age out of the equation. Observe them as they grow up. The first question to ask is, “How do they treat you the parent?”  The second question to ask is, “Are they responsible with their current jobs, like school, dishes, mowing the lawn, etc?” If both of those are poor, then why would you give them more responsibilities?

Do you ever remove privileges based on lack of maturity?

Yes, remove privileges if they are disrespectful, bad mouth you or have no relationship with you, the parent. You have 4 aces, so use them to remove privileges.

Action Steps:

1.     Start early with the expectation that maturity, not age is the determining factor.

2.     Say at an early age, “Your maturity will decide when this happens.”

3.     Don’t be afraid to remove privilege if they don’t display maturity.

Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer

Maturity, Not Age is the key!

birthorderguy.com/category/advice/

 

 

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Parents: Helps to Understand Social Networking and Internet Addiction

by Luke Gilkerson
written by Luke Gilkerson

The social networking phenomenon is accelerating at record speeds and isn’t likely to slow down any time soon.

The Pew Research Center states the following statistics for 2018:

“Some 95% of teens now say they have or have access to a smartphone, which represents a 22-percentage-point increase from the 73% of teens who said this in 2014-2015. Smartphone ownership is nearly universal among teens of different genders, races and ethnicities and socioeconomic backgrounds.

A more nuanced story emerges when it comes to teens’ access to computers. While 88% of teens report having access to a desktop or laptop computer at home, access varies greatly by income level. Fully 96% of teens from households with an annual income of $75,000 or more per year say they have access to a computer at home, but that share falls to 75% among those from households earning less than $30,000 a year.

Computer access also varies by the level of education among parents. Teens who have a parent with a bachelor’s degree or more are more likely to say they have access to a computer than teens whose parents have a high school diploma or less (94% vs. 78%).

A growing share of teens describe their internet use as near-constant

As smartphone access has become more prevalent, a growing share of teens now report using the internet on a near-constant basis. Some 45% of teens say they use the internet “almost constantly,” a figure that has nearly doubled from the 24% who said this in the 2014-2015 survey. Another 44% say they go online several times a day, meaning roughly nine-in-ten teens go online at least multiple times per day.

There are some differences in teens’ frequency of internet use by gender, as well as race and ethnicity. Half of teenage girls (50%) are near-constant online users, compared with 39% of teenage boys. And Hispanic teens are more likely than whites to report using the internet almost constantly (54% vs. 41%).”

Luke Gilkerson, Covenant Eyes, makes these observations:

Internet Addiction?
  • Feelings of intense happiness and euphoria while using the Internet, and feelings of depression, anxiety or irritability if away from the computer
  • Cravings for the Internet – Never having enough time with it
  • Neglecting family and friends – spending more time with the computer and less time doing activities previously enjoyed
  • Lying about what they are doing while online
  • Complains of dry eyes, headaches and/or backaches
  • Changes in eating habits such as skipping meals or over-eating
  • Problems with sleep
Replacing Solitude?

Replacing Face-to-Face?

  • Real relationships take time and sacrifice. The Internet community offers an easy-click-away model to relationship building. Why go through the time-consuming process of meeting someone face-to-face when I can do it all from the comfort of my home?
  • Real relationships are built on honesty and integrity. In the Internet community, if something goes sour, you can simply delete your profile or username and start over.
  • Real relationships are about knowing others and being known. The Internet provides a formidable barrier of protection from being truly known.
  • Real relationships involve kenesics (interpreting body language, posture, touch, facial expressions, eyes, and gestures) and understanding tone of voice. When someone is expressing themselves to another person, expressing their attitudes and feelings, people respond based on a number of factors. The actual words we use comprise only 7% of self-expression. The Internet trains the mind to respond not to people as they actually are, but on digital facsimiles, made up of profiles, blogs, and the best personal photos that person can muster up.
A Place for Friends?

So how is online socializing affecting the social habits of young people today?

Before we rush to judgment, 9 hours of online socializing plus 10 hours of TV doesn’t necessarily equal 19 hours of being a couch potato. Online socializing can be a highly creative venture. Almost 60% of social network users are talking about educational topics online, and 50% are talking about school work. Indeed, academic institutions from primary education to the university are seeing the value of social networks and their use in the classroom. Teens are creating and sharing virtual projects, collaborating, sending suggestions to other web sites, submitting articles, create polls, quizzes, and online surveys. Social networking has become a digital canvas for teens to think and act creatively.

But with the amount of time a teen is likely to spend online, are we facing a new cultural addiction or compulsion among young people? When one thinks of online addictions, often pornography and gambling are the first things that come to mind. There are several varieties of Internet addiction.

Internet Addiction Disorder

To be accurate, Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) is not a classified addiction in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Psychiatric experts have debated whether the Internet should be classified a true addiction. Some believe “Internet Addiction” is not an inappropriate label. The Internet is a social medium, an environment, and people cannot technically be addicted to an environment, only what the environment provides. Online gamblers are not addicted to the Internet, they say: they are addicted to gambling, and the Internet is the medium they use. Online pornographers are not addicted to the Internet, they say: they are addicted to pornography.

Addiction is a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance. The Internet may be the provider of that substance, and to be accurate, we are necessarily addicted to a provider. Nonetheless, the word “addiction” is a helpful word for our purposes here. The director of the Computer Addiction Study Center at Harvard’s McLean Hospital has stated that between 5% and 10% of Web surfers develop a “Web dependency” and experience the same types of cravings and withdrawal symptoms as other addicts. If the technicalities bug you, then simply replace the word “addiction” with “compulsion” or “dependency.”

Sue Scheff, founder of Parents Universal Resource Experts, lists a number of indicators and warning signs that a teen may be addicted to the Internet, including:

We’ve never been more connected than we are today. With the virtual world at our fingertips, we are never out of things to do: blogging, chatting, posting pictures, sharing videos, music, creating virtual characters, etc., etc.

According to Dr. Kimberly Young, founder of the Center for Internet Addiction Recovery, one of the biggest areas of Internet addiction is cyber-relationships. 

For many, cyber-relationships have become a normal part of their daily routine. Many can testify to the benefit of social networking on the Internet. It can result in enhanced communication across geographical boundaries. It can help network people of like interests and causes. Sometimes social networking sites are designed to be just a first step to people meeting face-to-face and generating healthy relationships.

But what happens when cyber-relationships go no farther than the computer screen? What happens when online engagement is so excessive that it results in a lack of healthy engagements in other areas of life?

While many people do not make cyber-interactions there whole life, some do. When we turn to the computer for true intimacy there is a problem. Many users of social networking sites can spend multiple hours every day talking with friends and making new contacts.

People turn to the Internet because there they can find online a place where “everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came.” Unfortunately the Internet is not a good training ground for young minds to practice the basics of healthy social interaction, especially when it becomes the basis of our relational lives.

To make the world of online socializing more like real life, a 3D virtual chat room called Vivaty has just been launched. The NY Times reports,

“Vivaty turns a flat profile page into a three-dimensional live chat room. Users choose characters to represent themselves from a list of preternaturally handsome avatars—a requirement for any such service—and proceed to one of a dozen environments, like a gothic urban warehouse or seaside villa. With videogame-like precision, they can then navigate that virtual space, which may feature their Facebook photos hanging from the walls and a YouTube video playing on a widescreen TV. Up to 15 others can choose avatars and enter the same room at the same time for text-based live socializing.”

Parents can do a couple things to help their tween or teen achieve a balance. First, be aware of some of the signs of overuse of the Internet. Second, limiting time spent online can certainly be helpful, but kids may also need some suggestions doing something different. Suggest they use social networking as a means to an end—the end being generating real face-to-face relationships with their peers.

www.covenanteyes.com. Used by permission.

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Is It Okay To Be the “Fun” Parent?

by Russell Moore
written by Russell Moore

A young teenage boy died in a hotel room after an overdose of drugs. The partiers around him didn’t even know he was in trouble until it was too late. Sadly, that story is all too common. This story is different, though, because the partiers weren’t peers or friends. They were his mother and grandmother. This man’s mother, who didn’t have full custody, told police she had provided them with drugs because she wanted to be the “fun weekend mom.”

I have to admit that my first instinct is to judge this woman. After all, what kind of person would be this selfish to give her child what would destroy him, just so that he would view her the way he would his buddies? At the root here, though, is a temptation that every parent faces, though usually not to the extreme of dealing illicit drugs. We want our children to love us, and to like us, and many of us do this by asking what our children want and seeking to conform to that.

At one level, the desire to be a “fun” parent is to be commended. We are, after all, to model the Fatherhood of God in our own parenting. His household is not dour and withholding, but full of joy. Some parents interact with their children so much in rebuke and correction that they mimic the older brother of Jesus’ parable—not the joy-filled father who plans a party for his returning son (Lk. 15:11-32). Some families believe they are holy, when they instead are signaling to their children that the kingdom of Christ is a tedious seminar of Pharisees, not a household of those who bask in the favor and liberation of their God (Lk. 4:18-19). If laughter and joy aren’t part of your family, something is wrong.

That said, the overriding desire to be a “fun parent” is overwhelmingly selfish and counter-gospel. Contemporary popular culture prizes youth as the source of wisdom and authenticity, but the Bible sees the matter differently. Parents are to cultivate the kind of wisdom that sees what a child will need, long before the child himself sees the relevance of these things. The Proverbs are filled then with instruction from a father to a child. The Apostle Paul speaks similarly to his son in the ministry, directing him away from youthful lusts toward maturity (2 Tim. 2:22).

This is because that’s what the Fatherhood of God is like. God disciplines and trains us up for life in the future he has waiting for us. This isn’t a sign that we are out of his favor, but a sign that he loves us and has a plan for our lives (Heb. 12:3-11). God does not give us everything we want in our immaturity. That’s not because he is hostile to us, though it may seem so at the time. It’s because God is training us up to be heirs (Gal. 4:1-7). He knows what is best for us, and he prepares us for the Wedding Feast, not for the kind of Esau-meal we clamor for at the moment but will regret later (Heb. 12:16-17).

As parents, we will never get this completely right. Unlike the Father, we are not all-holy, and we are not all-knowing. We will stumble in many ways, and we will not see often what is long-term best for our children. But that should be our goal.

The desire to be a “fun parent” is not only wrong-headed but short-sighted. You might be able to keep your children from rebelling against you momentarily, as long as your concede to their desires or to what everyone else is doing. Your children, though, will soon recognize that you don’t have a longer term view for them than they have for themselves. If you train them to see you as a means to the end of indulging their appetites, they will ultimately choose their appetites over you. See the sad example of the priest Eli, whose sons took from the fat of the offerings (1 Sam. 2:12-21). Fully matured, their rebellion was their father’s great grief (1 Sam. 4:16-18).

Disciplining our children is not just about correcting misbehavior, but about training them in what’s to be loved and prioritized. That means disciplining ourselves to care about our children’s best interest more than our own. And it means seeing our children not just in terms of how they view us in the moment, but how they will view us as elders on their own deathbeds, and, beyond that, as subjects before the Judgment Seat of Christ. That sort of self-sacrificial parenting requires wisdom, patience, and a willingness to be unpopular. That sort of parenting will often be joyous but it will often be far less than “fun.”

www.russellmoore.com. Used by permission.

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Your House is Not a Hotel

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

After I was thrown out of North Park University in the middle of my sophomore year, I returned to Tucson to live with my Mom and Dad. My older brother Jack, who was a graduate student at the University of Arizona, also lived at home.  In all the years we lived together with good ole mom and Dad, we never had a ripple.  We got along great! We helped out our parents, painted the house, did yard work, took out the garbage, and all the rest.  It was a great experience and you sure couldn’t beat the rent!

But someone once said, “Fish and company smell after three days.” And I’ve heard enough horror stories to know that my experience is NOT the norm.

Do you remember the milestone years in your life?  Remember turning 18 and thinking that you were on your own?  Remember turning 21 and telling yourself that you are legal? The problem is most of us, especially guys, are not grown up until we’re 25 or older.

Now, if you are going to have your adult kids living in your home for any reason, you would be very smart to set up basic guidelines. Another old saying is that “good fences make good neighbors.” And when it comes to this issue, I guarantee you need a fence.

Although your home might be rent free, it is not duty free!   It’s a home, not a hotel, and your child cannot just come and go as they please (no matter how grown up they think they are).

If you could walk the halls of the average college dorm at 2 in the morning, you’d see many kids are not home yet. And many of them are still awake!  While your son or daughter sees coming home at 3 in the morning at your house completely normal, you must set the expectation that this is not a dorm, but a home.

Your kid thinks,”Hey, I’m 21, you can’t tell me when to be home!”

But the truth is, “You are right. You are 21 and I can’t tell you when to come home. But if you come home at 3 in the morning and wake us up when you come through the door and the dog is barking… your seemingly innocent behavior now is impeding on the rights of us old folks that live in this home and pay the mortgage.”

Am I saying that on occasion a kid cannot stay out late?  Absolutely not. But it would need to be agreed on by both parent and child.

I know that college-aged kids living at home can easily turn into a nightmare. Before you agree to this, as a couple you should agree to the “fences” that you need to put in place. If you’re not on the same page, forget it. It’s doomed before you even start!

These agreements should be revisited every semester and during the summer. You might discover (or your son or daughter!) that living together at home is all it’s cracked up to be. They might want to strike out on their own. That is a real good experience for young adults to understand that REAL landlords require cash up front, security deposits, and many other expectations that are part of the real world.

Here’s some ideas for how you can build “good fences” with your young adult living at home.

1. Clean up after yourself

2  Help around the house

3. Every day ask, “What can I do to help?”

4. Respect your family members

These things mean different things to each family, so YOU have to color in that picture. Your son may think cleaning up means dropping the dirty dishes in the sink for someone else to clean. Be clearer than a kindergarten teacher on what your expectations are for living in YOUR home.

Now, many parents want to provide a free place to their children as a way of helping them get started or to help with their education.  That’s all well and good, but I know other parents that say, “If my adult child is living here, especially if they working, they should be paying rent!”

If that is the case, the rent needs to be agreed to and it needs to be paid on a specific day of the month. Cash only, no checks please!  As I saw in the store the other day “No checks please, we have a good supply from last year!

If things go awry, it’s time for reality discipline. You have to say, “Honey, things obviously aren’t working out, as your Mom and Dad we are giving you 30 days notice to remove what you need from our home because this clear is not working.”

Realize that you child might be shocked that you are taking such action.  After all, they probably think its “their” home. But reiterate the many reasons why this is not working. Ideally these will be things you’ve already shared and given fair warning that they need to change in order for the arrangement to continue.

But if you’ve asked for improvement, and you are still getting woken up in the wee hours in the morning you have to act. If you are still cleaning dirty dishes and laundry, it’s time for an intervention.

Be firm, and you will soon realize that you will probably get along better with your son or daughter once they are out on their own, living in an apartment, and and having the rights and responsibilities of young adulthood squarely on their shoulders.

Remember it’s a house…not a hotel!  It’s up to you to follow through if is not being treated like one.

 

www.birthorderguy.com.

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4 Ways to Prepare Your Child for a Positive, Peaceful School Year

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

You can make a difference in how your child transitions from summer to school year. Joyce Wilson of Teacher Spark shares her secrets. (Don’t forget to click the links. They are great!)

 

“Getting kids and teens ready for a new school year can be quite the chore. However, if your child is prone to anxiety, you still can prepare your child for a successful new school year. Here are ways to plan for a peaceful season.

 

Adjust Schedules Early    

 

One of the hardest parts of adjusting to a new school year is getting used to a new schedule. All those late summer nights and sleeping in during the day can make getting up for school a challenge for kids. Suddenly, starting a new schedule can also cause feelings of anxiety in children, and parents too. The best bet for keeping your kids on track is to stick to a routine earlier in the summer. Set normal bedtime that coincides with their upcoming school schedule and stick to it all summer long. Summer camps and vacation bible school are a wonderful way to keep your children in the routine of socializing and staying active throughout the day.

 

Get Them Some Good Gear   

 

If you want to get your kid excited, instead of anxious, about going back to school, try taking them shopping for some new gear and school supplies. Even investing in a few tech pieces such as a laptop or headphones, can make getting back to class more fun for kids, and less stressful for parents. If you have a younger child who’ll be playing online games or doing online exercises as part of their schoolwork or if you have an older child who listens to music while doing homework, a good set of headphones is a solid back-to-school gear investment. Giving them headphones will keep their tech noise from annoying you, or distracting other children in your home. Many options are relatively inexpensive, and a decent pair can be found for less than $100.

 

Makeover Their Mornings   

 

Mornings can feel pretty hectic when the new school year starts. But you can keep your mornings stress-free by taking time during the summer to set a good morning schedule. First, make sure kids get up at the same time each day, and get to bed early enough at night. Lack of sleep can cause more anxiety for children and impair their health in other ways. To better prepare for mornings, set aside time on Sundays, after church, to get a few things ready for the coming week. Next, put together some outfits, make sure any assignments are complete and get backpacks all packed before the morning rush begins. If getting your kids to eat a healthy breakfast is a challenge, try prepping some kid-friendly overnight oats or other breakfast items to have on hand for busy weekday mornings.

 

Set Up a Space for Quiet Time  

 

School can be stressful enough, so it’s helpful to provide calm and quiet at home for your children. You can even set up a dedicated space for prayer or quiet contemplation, to help your children wind down in the evenings after school. Choose a room or area that is free of distractions like televisions or laptops. Sit with your children and guide them in this contemplation time or encourage them to practice this time on their own using guided meditations. Put a comfy cushion or chair in your space and use calming scents to help your family relax.

 

Getting organized and staying positive are the keys to preparing your kids and teens for a prosperous new school year. With some planning, support and prayer, you can be sure your kids are ready to handle any challenges the new school year brings. So maintain your schedules, makeover your mornings and make sure your kids have their best year yet.”

Our guest author, Joyce Wilson, is a retired teacher and enjoys sharing lesson plans, resources, and teaching tips on TeacherSpark. She is passionate about teaching and loves using her writing to help teachers, parents, and students. www.teacherspark.com. 

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I’m Autistic by the Grace of God

by Ron Sandison
written by Ron Sandison

Currently one in every sixty-eight children in the U.S. will be diagnosed with autism. More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes, and cancer combined. In the 1970’s and 1980’s only 1 out of every 2,000 children received an autism diagnosis. Autism was not nearly as prevalent, and little practical information was available for parents and educators.

My development began normally and continued until I was eighteen months old. At that time, I began to regress rapidly. I lost my ability to communicate with words, and I ceased to engage in eye contact, a skill I had previously learned. (About 20% of children with autism experience a similar period of regression.)

When I entered kindergarten, the Rochester School specialists labeled me emotionally impaired. My mom refused this label, informing the professionals, “My son’s disability is not emotional but neurological.”

She diligently researched the top professionals for learning disabilities and paid to have me tested. Neuropsychologist Dr. Jerel E. Deldotto from Henry Ford Hospital confirmed that my disability was indeed neurological.

Educational specialists and doctors informed my parents that I would probably never read beyond a seventh grade level, attend college, or participate in athletics. Even so, my mom was determined to help me to excel in life. She empowered me to develop my unique gifts for independence, employment, and relationships.

As Dr. Temple Grandin said, “In special education, there’s too much emphasis placed on the deficit and not enough on the strength.”

The Prairie Pup Years

When I was seven years old, my mom gave me a stuffed animal of a prairie dog for Christmas. This toy sparked a special interest in prairie dogs; I could tell you every detail about prairie dog life.

In the 80’s most boys played with GI Joe, He-Man, Star Wars toys, Atari video games, or even a Teddy Ruxpin. But I carried around a stuffed prairie dog named Prairie Pup.

As my Special Ed teacher Ms. Milne once told my parents, “Ron always carries an animal book in his right hand and Prairie Pup in his left.”

My mom harnessed my special interest in prairie dogs and animals to teach me reading and writing skills. As a professional artist she taught me with art, drawing pictures of prairie dogs to illustrate concepts.

In fifth grade, I won the Detroit Edison Drawing contest for Oakland County by creating a poster of Prairie Pup and his furry friends. For the prize Prairie and I met captain of the Detroit Pistons basketball team and future Hall of Fame inductee Isaiah Thomas.

 

In sixth grade, I was deemed too old to carry a love-worn stuffed animal, so Prairie Pup was officially ‘expelled’ from the Rochester public school system.

In my presentations, I joke that it’s a good thing my special interest at the time was a stuffed prairie dog and not a honey-badger. It would have been hard for the school administration to expel an agitated, aggressive, wild beast!

My mother Janet Sandison recalls:

One of my son’s favorite activities was dictating short fictional stories about his stuffed animals and drawing illustrations. I wrote Ron’s short stories in spiral notebooks. Ron drew the main characters: Chatter the Squirrel, Little Gnawing Beaver, Bouncing Bear, and Prairie Pup. I was able to teach Ron new vocabulary through writing and also helped his imagination to blossom. By watching me write, Ron was able to learn reading comprehension and memorized the spelling of words.

During elementary and middle school, I had difficulty developing friendships with peers due to my social awkwardness and sensory issues. If my daily routines were altered, I experienced painful meltdowns. I call my meltdowns, “My honey-badger moments.”

Like many children with autism, I lacked the ability to decode body language and interpret social clues. As a result, I was bullied ruthlessly by my peers.

Star Athlete and Faithful Christian

Everything changed in eighth grade, when I began attending Heart Middle School. That’s when I discovered my new special interest: track. Bullying ceased as I became a star athlete, eventually setting three school records.

 

In my junior year of high school I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and felt that my life was now on the right track, both literally and metaphorically. I made the honor roll two straight semesters, was a star athlete in track, and memorized over 2,000 Scriptures. (I currently have over 10,000 Scriptures memorized, including 22 complete books of the New Testament.)

In the spring of 1994, our school’s 3,200 meter relay team finished 12th in the State of Michigan. As we drove back from the state final, Nate, the anchor on our relay, commented to Coach Budd, “Next year we could be the fastest 3,200 relay but Ron will be past the age requirement!”

I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, saying, “I will make a way for you.” So I said, “God will provide a way for me to compete.”

Since I had repeated kindergarten, I was past the MHSAA age requirement by three months. My family prayed daily for a miracle. As my senior year approached, my mom contacted the MHSAA. In May 1994, they stated, “Due to your son being past the age requirement we will not allow him to compete!” My parents contacted attorneys and learned that a lawsuit would cost over $40,000.

As the cross-country season drew near, the circumstances seemed hopeless. My mom told me, “There’s nothing we can do now but pray and trust God.” In June 1994, I returned from a five mile run and grabbed the Detroit Free Press. On the front page, I saw an article about Craig Stanley, a fellow athlete past the age requirement.

Our situations were remarkably similar. We were both born in May 1975. Each of us had repeated early elementary grades, and we were both cross-country and track runners. My mom immediately contacted his family. Soon we met and joined forces in prayer and advocating.

Unexpected Blessings and New Beginnings

After I rededicated my life to following Christ, I felt a desire to be re-baptized to demonstrate my commitment. (I was first baptized at nine months old, on the same day I said my first word: “Mom.”)

On Sunday June 10, 1994, I was baptized by Pastor Rob. As Pastor Rob lifted me from the water, he said, “I feel this verse is for you: Joel 2:25, ‘I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and young locust, the other locust and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you.’ Your blessings will begin today.”

When I got home and checked the red flashing answering machine, I had an unexpected message from attorney Rick Landau. He said, “I believe that your case will set a precedent for the Americans with Disabilities Act and I want to represent you pro bono.”

As a result, we won our federal case and Craig and I were able to compete during our respective senior years of high school. My 3,200 relay team set the school record; we also ran the second-fastest time out of 182 teams.

During this season, I felt a call to become a minister. Michigan Christian College, now Rochester College, gave me an athletic scholarship for cross-country and track. I finished my freshman year making the Dean’s List both semesters, and I received an academic scholarship to Oral Roberts University. Six years later, I graduated with a Master of Divinity and highest honors.

On December 7, 2012, I married my wife Kristen.

What’s Ahead for the Future

On April 5, 2016, national publisher Charisma House will release my book, A Parent’s Guide to Autism: Practical Advice. Biblical Wisdom. In writing the book, I interviewed over 40 experts in the autism community and over 40 parents who have a child with autism.

Thanks to the help of my parents and the grace of God, I am living my dream working as a professor of theology, serving in the medical field, and enjoying married life with my beautiful wife.

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Ask Roger

If I Commit Suicide, Will I Still Go to Heaven?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Hi, I don’t feel comfortable stating my name, but I am 17 and a Christian. I was raised as one and was always told and preached that without God and believing He died for me then I’m not living right. But I have these constant lows lately…I always pray to God for help and strength but I never get anything back and that just makes me so much more angry at him that he won’t help me. I know he is but at the same time, I feel like id be better off just giving up. I guess my main question is, if were to one day give up and let in to my depression and commit suicide…would if go to heaven still?

Unknown.

Dear Unknown,

I am so sorry! I know how you feel! I was standing on a third-floor balcony the day I decided to jump. The problem was just how to do it. If I jumped off feet first I decided that I would probably just break both legs and have to explain to everyone what I was doing. The other option was to dive face first and I decided that the sudden stop sounded awful. I remembered my freshman year in college during final exams when one of the students jumped out a dormitory window face first. The Baylor Lariat newspaper described how his eyes popped out of his head. I didn’t want my eyeballs lying outside their sockets. 

So, I backed away from the ledge and leaned my back against the wall and sat totally depressed. 

I wasn’t worried about going to Heaven or to Hell. Jesus forgave all of my sins at the cross–even suicide was forgiven. 

As I sat thinking It dawned on me that I didn’t want to enter the Heavenly Throne Room before my time.

I imagined Jesus saying: “Roger, what are you doing here? I’m not scheduled to see you for another forty-seven years. I have so much planned for you to do.”

Arriving early to meet Jesus before He was finished with me on earth made suicide much less attractive.

Dear Unknown, you are depressed and depressed people don’t think clearly. My philosophy is that I never make important and/or life changing decisions when I’m depressed. Life always looks dark to one who is depressed.

1. Call a suicide hotline and get help immediately. If you do not live in the United States, here is an international suicide prevention line you can call.

2. Talk to a pastor or Christian counselor right away. If you don’t know of a pastor or counselor, find a mature Christian with whom you can talk and pray. Don’t navigate these waters alone!

3. Before you make any unchangeable-life decisions please go find a medical doctor who can give you anti-depressant medication. Life can look very hopeless when you are depressed. And, it can look really good when you aren’t. People who are not depressed seldom have any thoughts of suicide. So, get some medical attention for depression ASAP. If you can’t find a doctor, there is even a chat room with a medical doctor who can give you assistance. You can even go to a hospital emergency room in your area.

4. If you continue to think of committing suicide, you may need long-term support. Medical and psychological professionals can help get you back “up on your feet.” Many churches have Christian psychologists who will walk with you through recovery. You are not alone.

5. Find a trustworthy friend and prayer partner. Depressed people don’t see things rationally. They don’t need reasons and explanations and not much encouragement. Hurting people need comfort.

Jesus said in Matthew Five: “Blessed are they who mourn,. for they shall receive comfort.” Mourning and comforting take at least two people–one to mourn and one to comfort.

Comfort is the language of depression. Find a friend. You will be surprised at how many friends and neighbors are around just waiting to help. 

By the way, it is not a sin to be depressed and want to commit suicide. Job experienced deep depression as recorded in Genesis because of great trials that fell upon his life. Fortunately, Job worked through the pain finally got his life back together and had a great ending. You can, too. 

Be comforted. God has a plan and purpose for your life. Peter taught that God matures to us to look like Jesus by sending and/or allowing us to go through trials and difficulties. 

Handling depression for me was made much easier the day I realized that God was using my depression to help mature me to look Jesus. I decided that I was alive, like all Christians, to express the love of Christ and to help advance the Kingdom of God right here, right now. 

Now, concerning the suicide, yes, according to the Bible people can go to Heaven even if they commit suicide. but, you don’t want to commit suicide. Remember, God has a time and plan laid out for your life. He has all sorts of good intentions for you. Again, you don’t want to come into the throne room unannounced before your time. So, I would encourage you to continue to find strength and peace from God to keep on living.

Let me know how you are doing.

I am praying for you.

Love, Roger

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The word sex education written in chalk on a blackboard
Articles

Why Parents and Schools Should Partner in Sex Education

by Marilyn Morris
written by Marilyn Morris

Parents let schools teach the A B C’s- but what about “the birds and the bees?” In recent weeks, several Texas school districts have been in the news because of community controversy over sexuality education. This is not a new controversy- but perhaps one we will see more of as the gap between school districts and parents grows on this important life issue. A dangerous misstep school districts can make is not involving, informing, and including parents as key partners in the rearing of healthy young people.

Parents matter especially in sex education- and in several important ways.

           The opinions of parents matter. Sex education is a personal and sensitive issue, bringing about many different personal, sensitive, medical, moral and religious opinions. And while everyone has a different opinion about what should be taught to whom and at what time, those opinions matter and should be considered when implementing local sex education policy. The Texas Legislature affirmed this when they established School Health Advisory Councils in 1995 “ensuring that local community values are reflected in the district’s health education instruction.” Texas Education Code 28.004 requires “a majority of the members must be persons who are parents of students enrolled in the district and who are not employed by the district.” The opinions of local parents are to be considered when choosing local instruction.

              

The values of parents matter. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is true about our behavior choices. When asked who most influences their decisions about sex, a large majority of teens ages 12-19 say their parents do (Campaign to Prevent Unplanned Pregnancy). What parents believe and expect of their children are quite likely to be what their children choose. Values are determined by both knowledge and experience. Parents, then, need good knowledge (coupled with their experiences) to have good values related to sex and relationships. Parent education is key for successful school sex education.

 

Children’s relationships with parents matter. “Parent connectedness”- a term used by researchers to describe the closeness a child feels to their parent- has consistently been shown to be a protective factor. The Centers for Disease Control uses the term “parent engagement” to talk about parents and schools working together, which “makes it more likely that children and adolescents will avoid unhealthy behaviors, such as sexual risk behaviors.” Schools can work to grow this connectedness, especially in fostering parent-child communication about sex. A family that talks about sex can talk about anything.          

 

And lastly, the trust of parents matters. Everyday caring parents place the care of their children in the hands of the school system. Anyone who knows the heart ache of dropping off their precious five-year-old on the first day of kindergarten can relate likewise to the parent who’s entrusting the sexuality education of their older child to the hands of the school system. Like the kindergarten parent, their lack of trust comes largely from understandable fear, and that fear can be overcome with disclosure. More communication is needed on this subject perhaps more than any other. Parents should be given multiple opportunities to see and hear every word, picture, and video their children will receive.

 

               When parents clearly understand that their opinions, values, and relationships matter, and are informed by the school district as vital partners in the sexuality instruction of their children, they will be best equipped to serve in that partner role. While some may still exercise their parental right to “opt-out” their child from the school instruction, they will have been empowered as the primary sex educator of their child.

               When schools show that parents matter in sex education, they will be better able to fulfill their role of educating the next generation and preparing children to make the best choices for their health- and for the health of the community.

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Articles

How to Influence Your Child for Christ

by John MacArthur
written by John MacArthur

You can’t save your children. You can raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord, guard them from the sinful influences and temptations of the world, and cocoon them in the fellowship of others who know and love God. But in the end, their repentance and faith cannot be inherited or manufactured—salvation is God’s work, not yours. As a parent, your influence can only go so far.

The Wrong Kind of Influence

Having said that, I want to stress that sometimes—I should say often—parents are partly to blame for their wayward children’s rebellion. And it has been my observation over the years that parents are generally more to blame for wayward kids than society, peers, or any of the other influences parents tend to blame. I occasionally encounter parents who have violated nearly every biblical principle of parenting, who nonetheless come to the pastor seeking some kind of absolution from the responsibility for their children’s defiance. They want verbal assurance that they are in no way to blame; someone else is.

Yet God Himself has given the responsibility for raising children to parents—not to schoolteachers, peers, child-care workers, or other people outside the family—and therefore it is wrong for parents to attempt to unload that responsibility or shift the blame when things go wrong.

Parents must involve themselves in their children’s lives enough to insure that no other influence takes precedence. To parents who complain that their kids’ failures are the kids’ friends’ fault, my inevitable reply is that ultimately the parents themselves must be to blame, because they were the ones who allowed peers to have more input into their kids’ lives than they have themselves.

Blame and Accountability

Some parents will no doubt cynically roll their eyes at that, and insist that it is unrealistic in this day and age to expect parents to influence their kids more than peers, the culture, television, schoolteachers, and all the other factors that vie for a controlling interest in the typical child’s life.

Still, a moment’s reflection will reveal why parents in our culture have less influence on their kids than peer groups do: Most parents have simply abdicated the parental role. They have turned their kids over to their peers. They have invested less time in teaching their kids than the amount of time they have permitted the kids to watch television. They have permitted much of—if not all—their children’s spiritual, moral, and ethical instruction to come from television, movies, music, and other children. Even in the best cases, parents rely too much on school teachers, Sunday-school teachers, and youth leaders—all outside the purview of the family. Parents must realize that character is neither inbred by genetics nor picked up by osmosis. Children are taught to be what they become. If they have become something other than what the parents hoped for, it is usually because they have simply learned from those who were there to teach them in their parents’ absence.

In other words, the parents, not the kids—and not even the peer groups—are ultimately to blame for the parents’ diminishing influence in our culture. Whenever outside influences shape a child’s character more than the parents, the parents have failed in their duties. It is as simple as that.

Christian parents today desperately need to own this simple principle. Before the throne of God we will be held accountable if we have turned our children over to other influences that shape their character in ungodly ways. God has placed in our hands the responsibility of bringing our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and we will give account to God for our stewardship of this great gift. If others have more influence on our children than we, we are culpable, not excusable, on those grounds.

Your Full-Time Job

God has made parenting a full-time responsibility. There are no coffee breaks from our parental duties. This principle was even built into the law at Sinai. God prefaced His instructions to the Israelites with this solemn charge:

These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. (Deuteronomy 6:6–7)

That is God’s own definition of the parents’ task. It means parenting is a full-time assignment in every sense of the expression. No phase of life is exempt. Not one hour of the day is excluded. There is no time-out for the parent who wants to be faithful to this calling.

Some parents think they can compartmentalize their child’s life, assign a set number of hours per week to spend on parenting, and then fulfill their duties as parents by making sure the hours they put into the task are “quality time.” That whole philosophy is contrary to the spirit of Deuteronomy 6:7, and it is a sure way to guarantee that outside influences will have more influence than the parents in shaping the child’s character.

Parental Neglect

The history of Old Testament Israel is an object lesson about the dangers of neglecting this vital principle. Israel failed miserably when it came to the duty of teaching their children about God’s righteousness. Consider this telling verse about the generation of Israelites who first entered the Promised Land. And note that this was merely one generation after God had first given the law at Sinai:

The people served the Lord all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who survived Joshua, who had seen all the great work of the Lord which He had done for Israel. . . . All that generation also were gathered to their fathers and there arose another generation arose after them who did not know the Lord, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel. (Judges 2:7, 10)

In other words, that whole generation of Israelites failed in their responsibility. They neglected to teach their children about the things God had done for Israel. And as a consequence, the next generation turned away from the Lord en masse:

Then the sons of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord and served the Baals, and they forsook the Lord, God of their fathers, who had brought them out of the land of Egypt, and followed other gods from among the gods of the people who were around them, and bowed themselves down to them; thus they provoked the Lord to anger. So they forsook the Lord and served Baal and the Ashtoreth. (Judges 2:11–13)

The children turned to the evil gods of the Canaanites. Their environment influenced them more than their parents did because the parents abdicated the parental role. The result was idolatry, chaos, and destruction. “Everyone did what was right in his own eyes” (Judges 21:25).

The same pattern was repeated again and again throughout Israel’s history. Whenever a generation of parents neglected to plant the seeds that would provide shade trees for subsequent generations, the children suffered the spiritual famine that inevitably followed.

The same thing is still occurring to this day. Right now the outlook for the next generation is as bleak as it has ever been. And there will be no turnaround unless this generation of Christian parents resumes the full-time work of planting spiritual shade trees.

Proper Parenting and Personal Priorities

For many parents, the first step toward getting back on track must be a fresh commitment to the things of God for themselves. If our own priorities in life are askew, there’s no hope of teaching our children what they need to learn.

Parents, take inventory in your own hearts. Do you thirst for God as the deer pants after the water? Or is your own life sending your children a message of hypocrisy and spiritual indifference? Is your own commitment to Christ what you hope to see in your children’s lives? Is your obedience to His Word the same kind of submission you long to see from your own kids?

Those are crucial questions each parent must face if we really want to be successful parents and good role models for our children. For parents to be derelict in their own spiritual lives is tantamount to cutting down all the shade trees for the next generation in their family.

Christian parents—be encouraged. You have a responsibility before God to use your influence with your children for His glory and their good. But the weight of their eternity is not on your shoulders—remember they’re not born morally neutral. God will use whatever means He chooses to draw His people to Himself. Pray He will use you in the lives of your children, and trust that He is faithful even through your failures.

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Ask Roger

What Happens to Nations When Governments Lie?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

 

The chaos in our government is breaking my heart. I wonder if any politician is righteous and honest. It seems like no one tells the truth any more. Hardly anyone will stand up and say, “I was wrong. I did it.” Or, “I don’t know. What do you think?”

 

Our present culture reminds me of Aaron’s behavior when Moses rebuked him for making the golden calf. Aaron backtracked by saying, “Don’t blame me. All I did was throw some gold in the fire and out jumped this calf!”

 

So what happens to a nation when their government leaders lie and can’t be trusted?

 

Sincerely, Ray

 

Dear Ray,

You’ve heard about politicians “putting a spin” on things. But why don’t we call it what it really is: “propaganda.” Propaganda is when someone takes facts and twists them for their own best interests.

To illustrate, I’m going to use Paul Joseph Goebbels as an example. He used propaganda as a weapon.

Goebbels was a German politician and the Reich Minister of Propaganda for Nazi Germany from 1933 to 1945. With his propaganda-spin, he convinced millions of Germans that the Aryan race was superior to all others. He deluded millions into believing that Jews and gypsies were inferior and ought to be exterminated.

And six million Jews died in the Holocaust.

PLEASE DON’T MISUNDERSTAND ME! I AM NOT SAYING AN AMERICAN POLITICIAN COMES CLOSE TO THE DASTARDLY GOEBBELS.

Nevertheless, he represents better than anyone else the ultimate power of spinning the facts for his own purposes.

However, the citizens of a country do not necessarily understand when they are believing a lie. Here are some compelling statistics from the The Witness Project:

“November 7th is Victims of Communism Memorial Day.”

If ever a day was needed to remember great loss, it is this day. Humanity easily forgets.
According to recent polls:
– 53% of Russians believe Vladimir Lenin’s roll was largely positive in Russian history.
– 70% of Russians believe the same of Joseph Stalin.
– 85% of Chinese citizens say the merits of Mao Zedong outweigh his mistakes, and 90% feel a sense of reverence or respect for him.
– Kim Jong Un has a 55.7% approval rating among North Koreans.
Why these percentages aren’t closer to zero is a testament to the power of government propaganda.
These are men who are responsible for regimes that killed roughly 80 million of their own people.”

The Congressional approval rating is hovering in the teens. One survey shows that 60% of Americans no longer believe that politicians are truthful about most issues. You’ve heard the term “fake news”?

Propaganda is not new. We might say that every government—especially autocratic dictators—engage in the process to one degree or another. Some of the earliest recorded propaganda was exercised by autocratic Egyptian rulers who date back to 3000 BC.

When A Government Is Just, Honest And Truthful, Its Citizens Are Safe, Secure And Prosper.

God has a lot to say about Kings and Rulers, their behavior, their integrity and their resulting impact on the people they rule. He gives clear wisdom regarding how governments should rule—and the pitfalls they should avoid.

Reading the Bible and employing its guidelines would result in a stable, healthy nation. The people would love their government.[BW1]

“The king should delight in righteous lips, and he should love someone who speaks what is right.” Proverbs 16:13 CJB

“Keep evil advisers away from the king and his government will be known for its justice.” Proverbs 25:5 GNT

When A Government Is Unjust, Dishonest And Tells Lies, Its Citizens Are Insecure, Afraid, Neglected and Suffering.

A government that is “wicked” or dishonest may ultimately lead to rebellion and anarchy.

God says that government should be just and fair for all of its constituents. No group should get special advantages over another group. Think about our income tax appropriations. We hear of people who are rich enough to utilize loopholes to end up paying little or no taxes at all. That is not fair.

“Do you rulers indeed speak justly?

Do you judge people with equity?

No, in your heart you devise injustice,

And your hands mete out violence on the earth.”

(Psalm 58:1-2)

Our Founding Fathers designed our Constitution with a system of checks and balances in place to keep any one individual, or small group of people, from taking control of the government.

I’ve been in many countries where rulers put their picture on every wall and billboard in sight to remind the people who is really in charge. These governmental leaders get rich and powerful at the expense of the people.

“Like a roaring lion or a charging bear is a wicked ruler over a helpless people.”

(Proverbs 28:15)

One sign of a failing government is rebellion. All wise leaders use wisdom and integrity to meet the needs of its people. Much rebellion occurs when people think that they’ve been unjustly treated.

“When a country is rebellious, it has many rulers, but a ruler with discernment and knowledge maintains order.”

(Proverbs 28:2)

“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. For the one in authority is God’s servant.”

(Romans 13:1-4)

“By justice a king gives a country stability.”

(Proverbs 29:4)

A nation’s citizens also feel cheated when special interest groups and lobbyists use money to get what they want. It’s not fair.

“But one who is greedy for bribes tears it down.”

(Proverbs 29:4)

Religious freedom is the ultimate blessing.

“The king that faithfully judges the poor, his throne shall be established forever.”

(Proverbs 29:14)

But our government fails often too. We’ve got to be on our toes, holding our leaders accountable to the truth.

Here’s what God has to say about lying leaders:

“It is an abomination for kings to commit wickedness: for the throne is established by righteousness.”

(Proverbs 16:12)

            “If a ruler listens to lies, all his officials become wicked.”

(Proverbs 29:12)

            “Mercy and truth preserve the king.”

(Proverbs 20:28)      

“Endow the king with your justice, O God, the royal son with your righteousness. May he judge your people in righteousness, your afflicted ones with justice. ‘The king that faithfully judges the poor, his throne shall be established forever.’”

(Proverbs 29:14)

I used to think that America would be attacked and defeated from the outside. God would judge the United States through other nations. But I know better now. God’s judgment is at work even today, coming from the inside. God’s judgment is that our nation will rot from within (Romans 1:18-32).

What Now? Can We Do Anything to Change Our Nation?

It is time we return to our roots. The Lord God Jehovah alone who can bring truth, mercy, justice and peace to our country. It’s time to pray, to pursue integrity in our own lives, and to stand strong for what we believe.

When the Supreme Court removed the Ten Commandments from our schools, they failed to put anything in its place. So basic issues of values and morality are no longer taught in our schools. We are seeing the results in misguided ethics and the loss of values of absolute truth … in the ways we create divisions and harm each other.

“Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord. The eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.”

(Psalm 33:12)

Many years ago, I remember a news broadcast where a reporter was describing a scene of people lined up waiting to buy gasoline generators at a hardware store in case their power went out. It was obvious that there were more people were in line than there were generators available.

Suddenly a man from the back of the line walked to the front and pushed a man out of line and took his place. A fight broke out.

I thought to myself, “This is America. We are supposed to hold together in times of emergency. We don’t fight each other.”

The fight escalated into a riot. Police were called in to restore order. I reminded myself that in times of need, many people will do whatever it takes to survive—even Americans. We no longer serve each other … we look out for number one. This violent scene is more common today. We expect selfishness, not sacrifice.

My prayer is that one day, our beloved country will repent and return to Christ. Then we will have one Ruler, a righteous King. Thank God that the King is coming soon.

D.E Sheridan wrote: “The difference between golf and bad government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.”

 

Sincerely, Roger

 

 

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Articles

Seven Tips for Parents of Teenagers in a Technology-Crazed World

by Brandon Cox
written by Brandon Cox

Technology is a way of life for us. Social media is here to stay. It’s not a trend. It’s not a fad. It’s part of the atmosphere we breathe in, like oxygen. Like it or not, social media is here.

You and I who are parents of teens and preteens grew up in a very different world. I remember the first broadcast day for MTV. Remember the first video? It was “Video Killed the Radio Star.” And it was prophetic.

We also grew up at the advent of the Internet for home users, email, and social networking when it wasn’t cool.

Email started out as a kind of inter-office instant messaging system. Now, seven out of 10 people check their email a minimum of six times per day.

In the first internet generation, we would “dial up” and then “disconnect.” You could hear the modem scream and then hope for a “You’ve got mail” announcement.

Now, it’s always on. We’re absorbed in it.

I have a daughter and, as of this writing, she’s about to turn 15. I couldn’t be more proud of her maturity when it comes to social media and technology. But it’s something I think about every single day. I have two boys – currently 7 and 4 – and I often wonder what else will develop in the world of social media by the time they hit their teen years.

Rather than seeing all of this as negative, I think it’s wise to apply a bit of a SWOT analysis to our current cultural conundrum.

Strengths of a Tech-Ready World

The strengths of our tech-saturated, social media generation include:

  • the ability to connect with people more readily and quickly,
  • the freedom to communicate with family instantly across great distances, and
  • the capacity to solve big problems – medical, political, educational, etc. – faster than ever.

Weaknesses of a Tech-Crazy World

The weaknesses have to do with our humanness. We humans tend to be creatures of habit, and some of our habits can become quite destructive.

  • We tune in online when we should be tuned in to the person face-to-face with us.
  • We get anxious when we’re disconnected for too long.
  • We produce and access things we shouldn’t – hence the internet porn epidemic.
  • We are so inundated with bad news that we disconnect from it emotionally.
  • We waste a lot of time!

Opportunities of a Tech-Enabled World

I believe the advent of social media affords us a ton of positive opportunities. I even wrote a whole book about how social media can help us share the love of God. We can use technology to our advantage:

  • to stay tuned in to what is happening in the world,
  • to be alerted to emergencies and urgent situations,
  • to lead and influence a generation in ways not possible before, and ultimately,
  • to meet new people and spread positivity further,
  • to spread the message of Jesus further and faster than ever before.

Threats of a Tech-Infected World

The threats of tech-everywhere range from the common, everyday annoyances to the Matrix-level conspiratorial stuff. But for most families, the threats are:

  • Cyber-security issues, requiring us all to be aware of hacking and phishing.
  • Privacy issues related to people stealing and abusing our personal information.
  • Intrusion into our lives by people with ill intent.
  • Porn. All kinds of it. Tons of it.

We need to think of all of this in a balanced way. We need an awareness of the dangers and what I often call the common social media isms. But we also need to know that social networking is our present reality. It is a reflection of and window to our culture.

And it’s a space where we can make a difference.

So how do you parent teenagers in the rushing rapids of our current technology-driven cultural change? Here are a few tips:

1. Anchor your lives in eternal things.

Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. No new technological advancement changes the nature of Jesus or of God’s Word. The Gospel is and forever shall be the Good News that the risen King Jesus saves and redeems.

Be about eternal things, not temporal things.

2. Be aware of the major trends.

You don’t have to sign up for accounts on every new social network that opens up. You do have to keep an eye on the potential threats. You need to know why Snapchat is so popular and how kids are using Instagram and why they don’t share all on Facebook.

You don’t have to be an expert. You do need to be aware.

3. Have intentional and honest conversations.

I know you want to make them feel trusted. But they’re still kids. They need us to ask tough questions and offer solid answers. The last thing they need is our silence. Don’t assume that you’re on the same page when it comes to standards of privacy and decency.

4. Engage with them in their world.

Your kids probably don’t want you joining in on their group conversations with their friends. In fact, it’s a certainty. But separately from those conversations, they’d probably be delighted if you occasionally spoke their language via text or direct message, or funny GIFs and memes.

5. Develop an understanding about online privacy.

First, make sure they know that there is no such thing as online privacy. It’s an illusion. Someone is always watching. Someone always knows. That’s not a conspiratorial statement – it’s a fact. If you don’t know what a ping or an IP address is, you’re already in over your head.

6. Establish some standards.

In our home, our kids knows that we’re not going to insert ourselves into all of their conversations. They also know that until they’re 18 and out of the house, their devices are our devices and are always subject to and available for inspection at a moment’s notice. It isn’t that we don’t trust their character. It’s that we know their character is still in the testing and development phase.

7. Let grace prevail.

If you parent using fear and intimidation and shame, your kids won’t turn to you when they mess up or encounter something they shouldn’t have. They might, however, open up to you when they know that there is grace available to them.

That doesn’t mean there are never consequences for disobedience or unwise choices. It just means that our love, affirmation, and affection are based on grace, not on their performance.

You’re not going to navigate all of this perfectly. Neither am I. But it is possible to be wise, to be loving, and to boldly lead our kids when it comes to how they interact with today’s rapidly changing social technologies.

www.pastors.com. Used by permission of pastors.com.

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Articles

A Quick Way to Understand Your Child’s Behavior

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

It was 8:00 p.m. and we nearly had a family riot. We had another 2 loads to move. I had said we’d only work until 8:00 pm. One child, said “You said we’d only work til 8:00 and it is 8:00.” Another said, “We were going to play a family game tonight and it will be too late if we do another trip.” This all started because the oldest demanded, “We are so close and must finish!” The last child was over on the grass making daisy necklaces and was fine with whatever. Luckily, no one threw a punch or shoved each other. There were a few tears.

How did we get such different children with such different perspectives?

If you have more than one child, then you know that each child acts differently, gets bothered by different things, and works on different types of projects. What drives these differences?

Their Life Theme drives their actions
All humans have a life theme. Our life theme is how we determine if we matter to the world, and to those around us.

You can identify your child’s life theme by filling in this phrase: “I only count in life when I ______________.”

How would your child finish the phrase, “I only count in life when I ______________”? Is it attention, finishing a project, getting all A’s, winning in football, creating art that people adore, dominating others, serving others, helping others, getting their way, or winning at video games, etc.?

Another way to find your child’s life theme is to imagine a social situation for your child, then predict what they will do.

For example, do they try to get the other kids to make beautiful art? Do they dominate the others til they are in charge of what the group is doing? Do they clown around until others pay attention to them?

Be honest. There are good and bad sides to many life themes. What is important is that you know what your child’s life theme is, so you can address it.

Key Insight

Your child’s personality forms by age 5. Let me say it again. By age 5, your child has developed his personality and life theme!

Your kid learns through trial and error to determine who they are. Be aware of what you are encouraging and discouraging during their trial and errors. As the parent, you have the ability to help develop the healthy aspects, and discourage the unhealthy.

If you ignore your kids, they will use negative means to get your attention, which reinforces the negative sides of their life theme. For example, one of our kids uses pouting to get Andrea to drop whatever she is doing and give her attention. The child has learned that Andrea has a soft spot for pouting and she exploits it.

How to help develop a positive life theme

  1. Figure out what their life theme is by noticing how they finish the phrase, “I only count in life when I ____________.”
  2. Use psychologic disclosure: Reveal to them what their life theme looks like and how their actions from it are positive or destructive.
  3. Tell them you are concerned about where they are going with this life theme.
  4. Have them take the next 30 minutes to think about it. Say, “I can’t make you think about it, but I am asking you to think about it for your sake.”
  5. After 30 minutes, ask them where they are think their life theme is leading them.

What type of adult will they be?

Also, consider what will this life theme look like as an adult. It might be cute or tolerable as a child, but likely to be destructive in a marriage or as an employee. Now is the time to address it.

Gratitude = Good Things

If you want to make sure your child develops the good side of their life theme, then teach them to serve others and develop a spirit of gratitude.

Notice the Good

When you see them do something positive, pull them aside and say, “I noticed you did XYZ. I bet that makes you feel good inside.” Use encouragement to reinforce positive behavior.

Action Steps:

  1. Figure out your child’s life theme, by answering this phrase, “I only count in life when I _________________.” Also notice how they interact in social settings.
  2. Realize that by age 5, their life theme is set. Be proactive now.
  3. Use the 5 steps listed above to help develop good life theme attributes.
  4. Teach them gratitude, so their life theme pulls to the good side.
  5. Notice when they do something positive. Use encouragement.

Used by permission of the author.

 

 

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Articles

3 Ways to Make Your Child a Better Student

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

My parents marched into the classroom and demanded to know why their son got a B. It was tense. This was my first B in high school and it was clear that this was not an acceptable behavior. I learned right then and there that school was about getting A’s above everything else. I had to figure out the system and make sure I never got another B. School was no longer interesting. School was about gaming the system to get the desired results.

1. School Work Death March, or Fun & Meaningful?

Set the expectation that school and grades are important. Help your kids by getting them into a good school with good teachers.

You need to be excited about the schoolwork. Be positive.

Ask Him/Her, ”Tell me a little about the material.” It’s a great way to encourage your child on what they are learning. They want to tell you.

Use dinner table conversation as a way to reinforce the positive tone towards school.

Be engaged with your kid’s schoolwork at an early age.

2. When things don’t go right

If they get bad grades,
Say, “These aren’t my grades. These are your grades.”
Say, “I’d love to hear your thoughts on these grades.”
Love them no matter what happens.
Keep in contact with their teacher about why they struggled.

3. Celebrate and Encourage their effort, don’t praise the grade.

Encourage them by saying, “Your decision to take school seriously and your hard work is paying off.”
Encouragement focuses on diligence, kindness, gratitude, effort, etc.
Praise, which is not helpful, focuses on the person. Kids are self-centered enough. Focus on their effort.

Steps to help your children:

Affirm your kid’s feelings.

Ask a question about school after the first 6 weeks.

Identify that school gets tougher each year.

Ask, “How can we help you overcome this wall now?”

Say, “Let’s figure out how to alter things around here to help you be successful.”

I’m sure we can free up some time for you. We suggest ___________.

Remember to tell them:

“These aren’t my grades. These are your grades.”

www.drleman.com. Used by permission.

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Articles

10 Ways to Reach Your Goals

by Jon Acuff
written by Jon Acuff

Ask 100 people if they’d like to make significant progress on their goals over the next week and you’ll probably get 100 yeses.  (Actually, you’d probably get 99, thanks to that one jerk dentist who doesn’t prefer Trident gum either.)

Ask those same people, seven days later, if they WERE able to make significant progress on their goals and guess what happens? You get a lot more noes. (Isn’t the plural of the word “no” weird looking?)

Why don’t most people make progress on their goals?

Did those folks change their minds during the week? Probably not.

The intention was still there, but the execution wasn’t. Which leads me to one of the biggest things I’ve learned as I’ve led people through the 30 Days of Hustle Challenge:

The reason most goals fail isn’t a lack of intention, it’s a lack of action. But the word “action” can be fairly vague, like the life advice, “Just Be Yourself.”

Let’s get specific and practical today.

Here are 10 actions you can take right now to get closer to your goal. I dare you to try one today.

10 ways to knock out your goals

1. Mark some specific times you’re going to hustle on your calendar next week.

2. Identify and write down the triggers that are likely to keep you from your making progress on your goal.

3. Reach out to someone who is ahead of you for a tip on achieving your goal.

4. Figure out how to batch work on your goal to make more progress in chunks.

5. Write down the “why” of your goal to fuel yourself when you need the encouragement.

6. Identify 1-3 things to measure so you know when you are making progress on your goal.

7. Find a person to check in with on your goal for accountability.

8. Rest! Make sure you’re getting enough rest so you don’t burn out chasing your goal. In a culture of busyness, rest is an act of bravery.

9. Thank someone who has already helped you make progress on your goal.

10. Perform a diagnosis on your hustle. Identify and stop doing the things that aren’t effective.

Those ten actions are a part of the daily videos you get in the 30 Days of Hustle Challenge, and there are twenty more that go along with it. You also get daily emails, an 8,000-word PDF workbook, access to a private community of supportive people working on their goals and a few more fun surprises.

www.acuff.me. Used by permission of the author.

 

 

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Ask Roger

What Happens to America in the End Times?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

What happens to America in the end times?

Sincerely, Peter

Dear Peter,

The quick and simple answer is that no one knows. However, there are some Biblical and political possibilities.

Let me begin by listing for you the major predictive passages in the Bible. The Book of Revelation promises a blessing to those who read and understand these prophetic truths. Daniel relates in the final chapter of his book that God will open up the prophetical books at the end times so that those with wisdom can discern what is coming.

The primary predictive passages are Ezekiel 37-39, Daniel 2 and 7-12; Matthew 24-25; 1 Thessalonians 4:13-5:11; 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12; and Revelation 4-22.
I see at least three possibilities for what happens to the United States in the end times. First, America is not even around for the end times. The average lifespan of large, significant Kingdom or national empires is about 300 years. Most of them fall apart because of military action from their neighbors other by collapsing from the inside as evidenced by a loss of any one or more of the following factors: values and morals; a collapsing of the fabric of their society; using up natural resources; changes in weather patterns; as well as a deteriorating relationship with their trade partners—among other equally significant factors .You can decide for yourself whether or not you think America will exist as a nation much longer based on these factors.

By the way, most cultures go through three-recurring-generational cycles before finally breaking down. These cycles occur multiple times through the Biblical book of Judges. The first generation fights the battles. The second generation enjoys the benefits. The third generation gives it all back again. The cycle then repeats.

Second, if America is still in existence in the final days, she may align herself with the nations united from the territories of the old Roman Empire. These aligned nations will be led by the Antichrist to invade Israel immediately after he inviolates the peace treaty he signed with Israel just three and one-half years earlier. If America has commitments pledging her allegiance and assistance to the nations of Europe—and keeps them—she will most likely meet her doom at the Battle of Armageddon.

Finally, Revelation 12:13-17 has an oblique reference to an “eagle” which saves Israel from destruction by the devil. Since the eagle is the national bird of the United States, some postulate that this eagle saving the woman is a symbolic picture of the U.S. stepping in to protect Israel at the commencement of the Battle of Armageddon. The characters in Revelation 12 are identified from the easy to decipher descriptions of each in the following verses I have identified with parenthesis the participants in the action above.

When the dragon (Satan) saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman (Israel) who had given birth to the male child (Jesus). The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle (the United States?), so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the desert, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent’s reach. Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring — those who obey God’s commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus.

Well, Peter, while no one knows with any degree of certainty the answer to your question, I hope I have given you some options to consider.

Love, Roger

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Articles

How to Balance Breadth and Depth

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

“Anybody who acquires deep expertise does so at the expense of breadth. The challenge is to understand how much depth is enough, and how much is too much.”-Andrew Hargadon.

Most of us develop deep expertise in our profession and that’s necessary and good. Whatever profession you choose—teacher, physician, painter, architect, plumber—be good at it. There’s a bell curve in all human activity; make sure you’re on the right-hand side of the curve.

But there’s a point at which more expertise is unnecessary and even distracting. Do a cost-benefit analysis before going extreme. Will the cost of pursuing more expertise outweigh the benefit of doing so?

I have a friend who is extremely good at his profession, but that’s all he knows how to do. He has no other interests in life. He has burrowed deep into a narrow niche and lives only in that small area.

I have another friend who is extremely good at his profession, but she also has a broad curiosity about life and explores and excels in many areas. I prefer her approach.

Our world is a fascinating place; adopt a broad approach to life.

Be a jack of all trades and a master of one.

When considering depth and breadth, it need not be an either/or scenario; it can be both/and. Thomas Huxley said, “Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.” I like that. Have one well-developed area of expertise and stay fresh in that area, but also pursue multiple areas of interest.

Don’t underestimate your capacity to do more.

We all have more band-width than we think we do. Most of us can do 30-40% more than we’re doing. So don’t think that you can only handle one thing in life; bite off more than you can choose.

A broad knowledge base will make you a better and more interesting person.

In Western civilization, the “Renaissance person” (also called a polymath) is, presumably, the ideal to strive for—a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas. Think Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci—men who were multi-skilled and deeply impacted the world.

My son-in-law, Jonathan, is a polymath. He’s an emergency room physician, an instrument rated pilot, entrepreneur, sailor, flight surgeon for an F16 squad, works well with his hands…and the list goes on.

My associate, Paul, is a polymath. He’s musically talented, has a black-belt in Karate, is a master chef, speaks fluent Spanish…he could teach at the college level in multiple disciplines.

If I were Captain of a “game of life” and could choose my teammates, I would pick these two men. They are fully alive and have the focus, aggressiveness, and inventiveness to do anything they want to do.

I’ll close with a well-said thought from science fiction writer, Robert Heinlein: “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

Questions for you, the reader:

  • In what area of life are you a “master”?
  • Have you developed other areas of interest? Name them.
  • Are you curious about life? Do you want to pursue broad knowledge?
  • Identify an area of your life in which you need to say, “I’ve gone deep enough.”

Go deep and broad.

I’ve written other essays that relate to this topic:

Question: What do you think about this essay? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Summary

What? – In life, strive for both depth and breadth; you don’t need to choose one or the other.

So what? – Your life will be more enjoyable and you’ll be better able to contribute to society if you develop multiple interests.

Now what? – Audit your life and decide how deep you want to go in each major area. Begin pursuing more areas of interest.

www.donmcminn.com..

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Articles

What is Satan’s Throne in Revelation?

by Eli Lyzorkin-Eyzenberg
written by Eli Lyzorkin-Eyzenberg

Why does Jesus call Pergamum’s church the place where Satan’s throne is? 

Revelation 3:12 “And to the angel of the church in Pergamum write: ‘The words of him who has the sharp two-edged sword.

13 “‘I know where you dwell, where Satan’s throne is.

 

Pergamum was a city that prided itself on several temples dedicated to the Roman Imperial cult.


In the Roman period, the city of Pergamum, a former administrative capital of Asia Minor that later was moved to Ephesus, became a flag ship for Roman patriotism expressed in religious devotion. As with most major Greek cities, Pergamum boasted a theater, stadium, library and a healing center of Asclepius among the other buildings that were part of normal life in the Greco-Roman world.

 

Pergamum’s citizens were zealous, wealthy and well-educated. They were not to be trifled with.


Satan appears as an angel of light. He rules the world, according to Luke 4. His presence in Pergamum reflected His seductive, dangerous influence.

 

The healing center (Asclepion) in Pergamum, was the headquarters for a very large network of healing centers throughout the Roman Empire. For many years Galen, the most well-known physician in the Roman Empire and personal physician of Emperor Marcus Aurelius, worked there. The Pergamum library was considered second only to the world-famous library in Alexandra. The Pergamum library boasted, according to Plutarch, more than 200,000 volumes. Another account states that Marc Anthony, a Roman military commander, bequeathed the collection to Cleopatra as a reimbursement for the total destruction of the library of Alexandria’s by Julius Caesar.

 

Pergamum held the high honor of hosting and maintaining a temple to Zeus – Father of all gods and man and the ruler of Olympians on Mt. Olympia in accordance with ancient Greek beliefs. Zeus was closely associated with the Roman deity Jupiter whose name means the sky or literally the “heavenly father” god. The altar to Zeus was one of the most impressive structures in Pergamum. The altar’s stairs, columns, and sculptured sides once stood forty feet (12 meters) high. Today, only the steps around the altar’s base can be seen in the Pergamum museum in Berlin. The sides of the altar were ornamented with marble panels depicting a mythical battle between Greek gods and rebellious giants who were the sons of Mother Earth.

 

Many have suggested that this altar to Zeus is what is meant by the throne of Satan in vs. 13.

 

But there exist a number of other possibilities – such as the Asclepius cult headquarters or a concentration of the Imperial and Roman cult in that city. 

 

In Roman antiquity, the image of a sword and especially a double-edged sword was highly symbolic. So, in this city, it can truly be said that it hosted the throne of Satan, the symbol of Roman Imperial authority and rule.

Christ introduced himself to the assembly of the follows of Israel’s God in Christ as “the one who has the sharp two-edged sword.” If the above identification of the throne of Satan as Roman imperial cult is correct than it would make a perfect sense for Christ here to be presented as someone with the authority of the double-edged sword.

 

“Yet you hold fast my name, and you did not deny my faith even in the days of Antipas my faithful witness, who was killed among you, where Satan dwells.”

 

Christian tradition holds that Antipas was ordained as the bishop of Pergamum by the Apostle John, just as was Polycarp in the city of Smyrna. The tradition also holds that he was boiled alive in a bronze kettle that resembled a bull.

By the end of the first century, when the letter of Revelation was being written, the martyrdom of Antipas already took place. It was still a fresh memory in the minds of the Christ-followers of Pergamum. No doubt, Antipas met his destiny, embracing death because he was not willing to honor and sacrifice to pagan gods. Only one God can be worshiped and adored.

 

“14 But I have a few things against you: you have some there who hold the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to put a stumbling block before the sons of Israel, so that they might eat food sacrificed to idols and practice sexual immorality. 15 So also you have some who hold the teaching of the Nicolaitans. 16 Therefore repent. If not, I will come to you soon and war against them with the sword of my mouth.”

 

Nicolaitans, dubbed Nokhal, which in Hebrew means “We will eat,” refers to meat that was sacrificed to Greco-Roman Gods.

 

Nicolaitans of vs. 15 are connected with the evil Balaam and Balak. Their strategy to undermine Israel was the same. They wanted Israelites to worship Baal Peor. Balaam began as a good prophet who compromised his integrity by being lured to money and fame. The main attraction was the sexual orgies that accompanied such worship. We read in Num. 25:1-5:

“While Israel remained at Shittim, the people began to play the harlot with the daughters of Moab. 2 For they invited the people to the sacrifices of their gods, and the people ate and bowed down to their gods. 3 So Israel joined themselves to Baal Peor, and the Lord was angry against Israel. 4 The Lord said to Moses, ‘Take all the leaders of the people and execute them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.’ 5 So Moses said to the judges of Israel, ‘Each of you slay his men who have joined themselves to Baal of Peor.’”

Christ called the assembly in Pergamum that tolerated in its mix those who both professed Christ and ate meat sacrificed to Roman gods, to repent. Christ the King threatened them with his soon-approaching judgment, calling them to finally make a choice between the God of Israel and the gods of the Roman Empire.

 

The lesson: Satan wants to sit on the throne of your life. He demands worship and allegiance. Don’t mix the worship of Yahweh with idolatry. That is the very essence of Satanic worship.

www.eteacherbiblical.com. Used by permission.

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Rio de Janeiro or simply Rio, is the capital of the state of the same name and the second most populous city in Brazil, after São Paulo.
Ask Roger

Are You Fighting Contrary Winds?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

My life is getting more and more difficult. It seems that everything I do is a struggle. I pray to God to make things smoother; but it seems that life is just getting rougher. I feel like I’m slogging my feet through deep sand. It’s not more than I can bear; but it sure seems that way. Can you help me?

Sincerely, Kyle

 

Dear Kyle,

 

Let me answer your query by referring to a Bible story with principles that have guided me for years. It’s amazing how some truths stick with you for a lifetime.

 

I believe that if these truths have worked well for me, then they’ll work for you, too!

 

After feeding the 5000, Jesus instructed his disciples to get in the boat and go to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. Jesus dismissed the crowds and then went to a quiet place to pray. But things were not going well on the boat.

 

“But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary” (Matthew 14: 24) (KJV).

 

“For the wind was contrary”. In other words, it was blowing the wrong way.

 

Kyle, you’re not alone. Most all of us, at one time or another, are torn by winds blowing the wrong way. Wherever we turn the wind seems against us.

 

Contrary winds can blow from any direction. Broken homes, loss of jobs, sickness, death, accidents, children who don’t turn out right, parents who should never be parents, marriages that break and cause great heartache, sexual abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse roar and rage against us.

 

Kyle, let me share a little story with you.

A mother noticed all was quiet in back yard. She thought that she had better go check on the children. Outside, she saw her children huddled around a mother skunk and four baby skunks all plugged in and getting their morning meal. As soon as she recovered her speaking voice, she cried, “Run, children, run!” And each child picked up a baby skunk and ran.

 

I meet people every day who are carrying an old skunk that the wind has blown to them and they can’t seem to get rid of it.

 

The winds on the Sea of Galilee were ferocious that night. The Disciples wanted to go west toward home. They were being blown back east!

 

Sometimes, no matter which direction we turn, were always fighting a headwind.

 

Let me share some truths about contrary winds in the hope that you will be better able to withstand them.

 

FIRST: CONTRARY WINDS COME TO ALL CHRISTIANS.

 

I’ve heard some imply that if you’re a Christian you should never have to struggle.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. All Christians feel the wind at times blowing against them!

Cares go with having a body. Cares go with having a family. When my friends weep; I weep. We have cares because we are fighting Satan. Satan’s fighting us!

 

Don’t ever think that because you’re a Christian and because you have cares, that you’re abnormal. All of God’s people have cares.

 

In Psalm 73, Asaph is going through a rough time. It seems that his unbelieving friends have more blessings than he. He complains that their kids are healthy and his are sick. Their houses are in great shape and his roof is caving in. His non-Christian friends are being promoted and he’s worked the same job for years.

 

He almost concludes that if God really cared, he wouldn’t be fighting a headwind.

 

So Asaph declared, “It’s not worth it for me to be a believer!”

 

God replied, “Your problem is that you’re looking in the present. Look on down the line!”

 

Asaph then tells us, “I went into the sanctuary of the Lord and I opened my eyes and saw that God had placed the unbelievers on slippery places.”

 

Contrary winds might blow in our faces but, no Christian ever stands in a slippery place. It might be a hard place, but it’s not a slippery place because our feet are on the rock.

 

SECOND, CONTRARY WINDS OFTEN STRENGTHEN US FOR MORE DIFFICULT THINGS.

 

When winds blow against us it’s a challenge to rise up and walk anyway.

 

A contrary wind blew away John Milton’s eyesight. He stood against the wind and wrote, “Paradise Lost”.

 

Contrary winds destroyed my daughter Brianna’s health. She writhes in constant pain and writes with all of her heart. She has now raised a billion dollars for non-profit ministries. Only God could have given her the strength to stand in the storm.

 

Contrary winds blowing against us today strengthen us to do greater things for God tomorrow.

 

THIRD, CONTRARY WINDS OFTEN BLOW US TO SOMETHING BETTER.

 

A contrary wind blew Paul from a life of Christian-hating, scheming, murdering Pharisee to the greatest Christian messenger God ever had.

 

A ship sank leaving one lone survivor. Days passed with no rescue. He built a shack, still no rescue. One day he his cook-fire burned out of control and burned down his hut and all of his possessions. “What else could be worse? This is the worst day of my life!” Then he heard a ship’s horn and a small boat coming to shore. “Ahoy!” they shouted. “We saw your smoke and have come to rescue you!”

 

We’ll find that contrary winds, those troubles and heartaches which hurt us so much, will often blow us to something better if we’ll just open our eyes to see it!

 

FINALLY, CONTRARY WINDS BRING JESUS TO US!

 

Contrary winds brought the disciples troubles and problems. But, in the midst of contrary winds, here came Jesus walking on the water.

 

Peter asked, “May I come to you walking on the water?”

 

When trouble comes, when life falls in, then look up and see Jesus because contrary winds will bring Jesus to us every time.

 

Jesus comes when the winds are contrary winds because He cares for us.

 

“Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

 

Lay hold of that! Christians have cares and Jesus cares for us.

 

Wouldn’t it be great if we could pay Jesus to do our worrying for us?

 

But why should we pay? He’s offered to do it for free!

 

Well Kyle, I hope you are at peace knowing that contrary winds are normal for Christians. Rejoice that they often strengthen us and that their gale force brings us to better things. Finally, I hope you’ll experience the care of Jesus whenever the winds are contrary.

 

Sincerely, Roger

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Ask Roger

Can I Be Punished in Heaven for a Terrible Sin?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

 

Greetings. 

Does the Bible really mean that we will be judged and punished in heaven for our sins? 

As a Christian, I did “big” wrong things that I regretted and have not done them again. Does 2 Corinthians 5:10 really mean that when I go to heaven I will be judged and punished for those sins? 

Rosalina

 

Dear Rosalina,

Be at peace. All of our sins were forever forgiven when we gave our lives to Jesus as our Lord and Savior. When we get to Heaven our sins will never be seen or mentioned again. We will be given pure white robes and ushered into the glories of Heaven where we will have a wonderful time.

 

With that being said, let me describes what the Bible says about this subject.

Two judgments are laid out before us. The Judgment of Believer’s works is described in 2 Corinthians 5:10 and 1 Corinthians 3:10-15. This will occur in Heaven and only Christians will be there.

The other judgment is described in Revelation 20:10-15 which is called the “Great White Throne Judgment” when at the end of cosmic time Jesus will judge Satan, his demons and everyone who failed to surrender to Christ and become Christians. Only non-Christians will attend this judgment and they will be judged. out of the Books of Works which record everything they ever did. Not one single person at the Great White Throne is good enough for heaven. Jesus has the Books containing all or their works on earth and no one lives up to the perfection of Christ. They, along with Satan and his demons are all thrown into the Lake of Fire.

 

Paul explained precisely what will be evaluated at the Judgment of Seat of Christ. Let me explain.

 

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” 2 Corinthians 5:10.

 

The translation of “Judgment of Christ” is better translated by the term, “Reward Stand” from the Greek word, “bema” which can also be translated as “throne.” The “bema” was the award stand at the Greek Olympics. All winners stood before the “bema” to receive the laurel wreath that encircled the winner’s head. All Christians “win” as they appear at the “Bema” of Christ.

The terms “good” and “bad’ in Greek have more of the idea of “profitable” and “unprofitable”. Our sins are not brought up. The issue is how well we furthered the Kingdom of God on earth. In other words, the rewards we will receive (or don’t receive) in Heaven are based on the profitable or unprofitable things we did for the kingdom.

 

The kind of lives we build determines the rewards we receive at the Judgment Seat Of Christ. If we build lives of gold, silver and costly stones we will receive many rewards. Those who waste their lives building with wood, hay and straw will receive few, if any rewards.

The profitability or unprofitability of our lives is determined by fire. Wood, hay and straw are consumed and destroyed by fire. Gold, silver and costly stones withstand the onslaught. By grace, even if all we build is burned in the fire, we still get forgiveness and Heaven because Jesus is the foundation of our lives and He remains unscorched no matter how hot the fire.

 

10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, … But each one should build with care. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than …  Jesus Christ. 12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames (1 Corinthians 3:10-15).

 

The Bible identifies some of the rewards as crowns. For example:

The Soul Winners crown for leading people to Jesus

The Victors Crown for those who persevere and refuse to give up during persecution

The Crown of Glory for those who pastor well Christ’s “flock”

The Crown of Life for martyrs

The Crown of Righteousness for looking with anticipation for the Second Coming

 

By the way, we don’t keep all of the rewards. We will lay them down at Jesus’ feet because He alone is worthy to receive glory and honor and praise.

Those Christians who have their earthly works consumed by the fire will still receive great things because of the love, grace and mercy of Christ. In the letters to the churches of Revelation Jesus tells about the gifts He has in store for all Overcomers (Revelation 2-3).

 

Overcomers will:

Eat Fruit from the Tree of Life

Escape the second death (the Lake of Fire)

Be given Heavenly manna

Receive a white stone with Jesus “pet nickname” for them written on it

Lead nations

Receive the Morning Star (Jesus)

Be dressed n pure white robes

Have their name written securely in The Book Of Life for Eternity

Be a pillar in God’s Temple

Receive a tattoo with the name on Jesus on his/her body

Have the right to sit with Jesus on the throne of Jesus

 

Rosalina, I really appreciate this question. I hope that it is a great encouragement both to you as well as to the ones who read my answer to your question. Ask me a question whenever you like.

God bless you,

Love, Roger

 

 

 

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Articles

How to Help Your Spiritually Oppressed Child

by Neil Anderson
written by Neil Anderson

Children need us to be strong and confident in the Lord. We cannot impart what we don’t possess. If the parents are not experiencing freedom in Christ, they will have a difficult, if not impossible time helping their children experience freedom from Satan’s oppression in their young lives.

 

Let’s examine from a parental perspective the most definitive passage in the New Testament for helping others find their freedom in Christ:

 

“And the Lord’s bondservant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.” 2 Tim. 2:24-26 NIV

 

As you can see this is a kind, gentle, able to teach, patient when wronged model that requires the presence of God in order to set a captive free. The passage also teaches that freedom comes from knowing the truth, because people are in bondage to the lies they believe. The battle is shown to be in the mind, because when they come to their senses they escape from the snare of the devil. It also establishes the fact that the one who is going to help your child must be completely surrendered to the Lord.

 

Jesus is the wonderful counselor and only He can grant repentance and set a captive free.

 

·      Have you been patient when wronged by your child?

·      Have you been kind or harsh?

·      Have you corrected them with gentleness?

·      Do you know the truth well enough to teach them what to do when they are under attack?

 

You may need to start by asking your child to forgive you for the times that you have not disciplined in love, or understood the true nature of their problem. If a parent has severely disciplined (punished) a child, without knowing what is going on inside, the relationship may be damaged. The same problem is true for any other authority figure that has tried to shape only their behavior without knowing about the battle that may be going on for their minds.

 

Can you imagine the frustration of hearing voices or experiencing a presence in your room that frightened you, and not have anyone to talk to who understands? The problem is compounded when they share what they are experiencing with another person who won’t believe them.

 

Being told that there is a spiritual battle going on for your mind and that the problem is resolvable brings immediate relief!

 

Hopefully you will have resolved your own personal and spiritual conflicts as a mature Christian, and you will be personally familiar with the process of helping your child fight their spiritual battles. It will also make you an example to follow rather than one who is judging or condemning them. The joy of knowing your own identity and freedom in Christ will be something your children will recognize and want to have for themselves.

 

Be careful to use terms that a child can understand. In order for children to cooperate they must know that they are not the problem, but they must be proactive.

 

If your attitude is wrong and you say something like: “What’s wrong with you anyway?” they will probably get defensive. I asked one young boy if he had thoughts in his head telling him what to do. He said he did, and I asked what the thoughts were. He said, “I’m no good!” The frustrated parents of this adopted child had all but thrown in the towel trying to control his behavior.

 

The message that he was getting internally and externally was that he is incorrigible, no good, hopeless, and helpless.

 

The goal is to resolve their personal and spiritual conflicts in Christ and find the peace of God that passes all understanding. For the duration of their life they need to know that they have to be responsible for what they think and do. In order for this process to work, you must have their cooperation to share with you any mental thoughts they are having which are in direct opposition to what you are attempting to do.

 

The power of Satan is in the lie. As soon as the lie is exposed, the perceived power is broken. The control center is the mind, and if Satan can get them to believe a lie he can control their lives. Thoughts like, “This isn’t going to work,” or “God doesn’t love you,” etc., can interfere only if they believe the lies.

 

I usually tell people that it doesn’t make any difference if the thoughts they are hearing are coming from a loud speaker on the wall or in their head. It is just a thought or voice and it can’t have any power over you unless you believe it. In either case don’t pay attention to it.

 

There are two reasons why most people, including our children, don’t share what is going on inside.

 

Firstly, if they even remotely suspect that we won’t receive the information appropriately, they won’t share it. Patronizing responses like, “You’re just having a bad day,” or “It will go away,” or “You have an over-active imagination,” or judgmental statements like, “You need to see a doctor!” will keep a person from revealing what they are thinking. The last response is what many fear the most.

 

They already fear they are going crazy, and anything you do to suggest that possibility will drive them away. I have assured many people that nothing they could share about their thoughts would surprise me. Sometimes thoughts are threatening or vulgar. Once they know that you understand that those thoughts aren’t their thoughts, they are more free to share what is going on inside.

 

Secondly, they may be threatened by voices they think they hear in their head. Usually it is a threat to harm them when they get home or back in their bedroom. The threat can be towards someone else such as their father or baby sister. They believe they have to obey the voices in order to save someone else. Much of the intimidation is threatening them not to share what is really going on inside.

 

Satan’s attacks are like cockroaches. They only come out in the safety of darkness. They fear being exposed. When you turn on the light they scurry for the shadows. All this intimidation is to keep the child from sharing what must be shared in order to be free in Christ.

 

The problem isn’t at home or in their room, it’s in their mind. So if they resolve it in your office, it will be resolved at home. And if the problem is resolved in the parent’s bedroom it will be resolved in the child’s bedroom. One person called hours later and said with a great deal of joy, “They’re not here either!” They never were “there.” What is going to set your child free is what they do, not what you do.

 

Since Satan is under no obligation to obey our thoughts, a child who is deeply struggling spiritually should pray their prayers out loud, and assume their responsibility to resolve the issues that are standing between them and God.

 

For a child who is deeply disturbed, it is not what we do that sets them free; it is what they choose to renounce, confess, forgive, etc. Watch them closely as they pray, especially their eyes. If they start to drift away mentally, ask them what they are hearing. In some cases they may be seeing something. The moment they share it, the lie is exposed, and the power is broken.

 

We must help them focus their minds and to ensure them that they do have control if they would only choose to exercise it.

 

It is common for children under spiritual attack to have headaches or feel like they are getting sick. Usually the physical symptoms stop when they share it. If they say, “I have to leave here.” Remind them that is only a thought.

 

The weapons of warfare are not of the flesh (2 Cor. 10:3-5).

 

Prayer is our weapon when we calmly take our place in Christ. Trust is an essential prerequisite. If a child trusts you they will believe what you say.  For them to trust you they have to feel accepted, safe, and secure. The more you calmly explain what is happening in the spiritual realm and the more reassurance you give them, the more they will believe and trust you. The safer they feel, the better chances they have of finding freedom from the lies they have believed.

 

The authority we have in Christ does not increase with shouting or coercion. Don’t respond in the flesh. God does everything decently and in order.

 

Teach your child to pray victorious prayers from God’s Word. Listen carefully. Make them feel safe. Guide them gently. The Holy Spirit is the One who transforms their lives.

www.ficm.org. Used by permission.

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Articles

How to Avoid Holiday Family Feuds

by Russell Moore
written by Russell Moore

Russell Moore shares his insights about tension during the holiday season. Here are his wise suggestions:

“We tend to idealize holidays, but human depravity doesn’t go into hibernation between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. One thing that will hit most Christians, sooner or later, are tensions within extended families at holiday time. Some of you will be visiting family members who are contemptuous of the Christian faith and downright hostile to the whole thing.

Others are empty nest couples who now have sons- or daughters-in-law to get adjusted to, maybe even grandchildren who are being reared, well, not exactly the way the grandparents would do it. Still others are young couples who are figuring out how to keep from offending family members who are watching the calendar, to see which side of the family gets more time on the ledger. And others are new parents, trying to figure out how to parent their child when it’s Mammonpalooza at Aunt Judie’s house this year.

And, of course, there’s just always the kind of thing that happens when sinful people come into contact with one another. Somebody asks “When is the baby due?” to an unpregnant woman or somebody blasts your favorite political figure or…well, you know.

Here are a few quick thoughts on what followers of Jesus ought to remember, especially if you’ve got a difficult extended family situation.

1. Peace

Yes, Jesus tells us that his gospel brings a sword of division, and that sometimes this splits up families (Matt. 10:34-37). But there’s a difference between gospel division and carnal division (see 1 Cor. 1, e.g.). The Spirit brings peace (Gal. 5:22), and the sons of God are peacemakers (Matt. 5:9). Since that’s so, we ought to “strive for peace with everyone” (Heb. 12:14).

Often, the divisiveness that happens at extended family dinner tables is not because an unbelieving family member decides to persecute a Christian. It’s instead because a Christian decides to go ahead and sort the wheat from the weeds right now, rather than waiting for Judgment Day (Matt. 13:29-30). Yes, the gospel exposes sin, but the gospel does so strategically, in order to point to Christ. Antagonizing unbelievers at a family dinner table because they think or feel like unbelievers isn’t the way of Christ.

Some Christians think their belligerence is actually a sign of holiness. They leave the Christmas table saying, “See, if you’re not being opposed, then you’re not with Christ!” Sometimes, of course, divisions must come. But think of the qualifications Jesus gives for his church’s pastors. They must not be “quarrelsome” and they must be “well thought of by outsiders” (1 Tim. 3:3,7). That’s in the same list as not being a heretic or a drunk.

Your presence should be one of peace and tranquility. The gospel you believe ought to be what disrupts. There’s a big difference.

2. Honor

The Scripture tells us to fear God, to obey the king, and to honor (notice this) everyone (1 Pet. 2:17). If your parents are high-priests in the Church of Satan, they are still your parents. If cousin Betty V. does Jello shots in her car, just to take the edge off the cocaine, well, she still bears the imprint of the God you adore.

You cannot do the will of God by opposing the will of God. That is, you can’t evangelize by dishonoring father and mother, or by disrespecting the image-bearers of God. Pray for God to show you the ways those in your life are worthy of honor, and teach your children to follow you in showing respect and gratitude.

3. Humility

Part of the reason some Christians have such difficulty with unbelieving or nominally believing extended family members is right at this point. They see differences over Jesus as being of the same kind (just of a different degree) as our differences over, say, the war in Afghanistan or the future of Sarah Palin or the Saints’ winning streak this year.

Often the frustration comes not because of how much Christians love their family members as much as how much these Christians want to be right. The professional Left and Right cable-TV and talk-radio pontificators may value the last word, but we can’t.

Jesus never, not once, seeks to prove he is right, and he was accused of being everything from a wino to a demoniac. He rejects Satan’s temptation to force a visible vindication, waiting instead for God to vindicate him at the empty tomb.

Often Christians veer toward Satanism at holiday time because we, deep down, pride ourselves on knowing the truth of the gospel. The rage you feel when Uncle Happy says why “many roads lead to God” might be more about the fact that you want to be right than that you want him to be resurrected.

Plus, we often forget just how it is that we came to be in Christ in the first place. This wasn’t some act of brilliance, like being accepted into Harvard or some exertion of the will, like learning to put a Rubik’s cube together in 20 seconds. “What do you have that you did not receive,” the Apostle Paul asks us, “And if you received it, then why do you boast as though you didn’t receive it?” (1 Cor. 4:6-7)

Satan wants to destroy you through his primal flaw, pride (1 Pet. 5:7-9; 1 Tim. 3:6). He doesn’t care if that pride comes through looking around the family table and figuring out how much more money you make than your second cousin-in-law or whether it comes by your looking around the table and saying, “Thank you Lord that I am not like these publicans.” The end result is the same (Prov. 29:23).

Unless you’re in an exceptionally sanctified family, you’re going to see failing marriages, parenting crises, and a thousand other shards of the curse. If your response is to puff up as you look at your own situation, there’s a Satanist at your family gathering, and you’re it.

4. Maturity

The Scripture tells us that if we follow Jesus we’ll follow the path he took: that’s through temptation, to suffering, and ultimately to glory. Often we think these testings are big, monumental things, but they rarely are.

God will allow you to be tested. He’ll refine you, bring you to the fullness of maturity in Christ. He probably won’t do it by your fighting lions before the emperor or standing with a John 3:16 sign before a tank in the streets of Beijing. More likely, it will be through those seemingly little places of temptation—like whether you’ll love the belching brother-in-law at the other end of the table who wants to talk about how the Cubans killed JFK and how to make $100,000 a year selling herbal laxatives on the Internet.

Some of the tensions Christians face at holiday time have nothing to do with outside oppression as much as internal immaturity on the part of the Christians themselves.

I’ve had young men who tell me they feel treated like children when they go home to see their extended families. Their parents or parents-in-law are dictating to them where to go, when, and for how much time. Their parents or parent-in-law are hijacking the rearing of their children (”Oh, come on! He can watch Die Harder! Don’t be so strict!”). Some of these men just give in, and then seethe in frustration.

Sometimes that’s because the extended family is particularly obstinate. But sometimes the extended family treats the young man like a child because that’s how he acts the rest of the year. Don’t live financially and emotionally dependent on your parents or in-laws, passively dithering in your decisions about your family’s future, and then expect them to see you as the head of your house.

Be a man (if you are one). Make decisions (including decisions about where, and for how long, you’ll spend the holidays). Teach and discipline your children.Your extended family might not like it at first, but they’ll come to respect the fact that you’re leaving and cleaving, taking responsibility for that which has been entrusted to you.

5. Perspective

Remember that you’ll give an account at the resurrection for every idle (that means seemingly tiny, insignificant, unmemorable) thought, word, and deed. At the Judgment Seat of the Lord Christ, you’ll be responsible for living out the gospel in every arena to which the Spirit has led you… including Aunt Flossie’s dining room table.”

www.russellmoore.com. Used by permission.

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Articles

Puppies and Babies: Lessons They Teach Us!

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Vets tell us that our canines have the emotional and intellectual capacity of two-year-olds. I beg to disagree. Toddlers are much dumber than dogs, and I have hard evidence to prove it. (Just kidding!) But we can learn from both of them. And should.

The average toddler spews strained spinach all over his Mom’s white blouse and smashes half-eaten graham crackers on the kitchen floor. They are often food-smeared, grimy and dingy, causing chaos in their wake. I drank bleach at two. Not my favorite drink… 

Beauford, my daughter Bronwyn’s mini-doxie, is much tidier. He bolts anything down, edible or not. Nary a crumb is wasted. He licks his black coat until it shines and cries if he muddies his paws.

Spiritual babies soil their lives with careless choices and hidden sins, leaving a trail of broken relationships and messy consequences behind them.

Be clean. Confess your sins to God. Allow Him to wash your soul until it shines.

“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” 1 John 1:9 NLT.

Prissy Beauford always checks himself out when he saunters by a mirror. He loves what He sees! He will not rest his posterior until a fresh, warm, fluffy blankie is pulled out of the dryer to keep him warm. He knows what he wants: salmon for dinner! No plain kibble for him!

Two-year-olds whine incessantly. They hate their strained carrots. Naps are hell. Most of the time, Moms have no idea what they want or how to placate them. I loved singing at night. Mostly about 2:00 a.m.

Spiritual infants whine about circumstances and question God’s will.

Discover what God wants for you. Stop whining. Confidently learn who you are in His eyes.

“Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me.” Psalm 25:4-5 NLT

Beauford is driven by his voracious appetite. Bronwyn dressed him in a red velvet Santa suit and dragged him to a preschool Christmas party. The poor pup was slapped around, tail-pulled and slobbered on by pesky kids. But resourceful Beau, in fire-hose fashion, lifted his leg and squirted any approaching child.

Bo-Bo now freely roamed the room unimpeded, scarfing leftover icing and sprinkles from the kiddies’ Christmas cookies. When Beauford’s pet human had her back turned, he concocted his evil plan. One toddler Mom had mistakenly placed her child’s hot dog on a chair near the food table. My daughter heard a loud “snarfing” noise in the direction of her devious dog. A putred fleshy orb protruded from his tiny piehole. In one quick yank, Bronwyn extracted a foot-long Oscar Meyer wiener from her pint-sized pooch. The half-masticated sausage was almost as big as his entire body. Bo-Bo collapsed on the pavement, gave Bron a grateful tail wag, and continued to devise a plan to get that lunch meat back down his gullet.

Toddlers grab, claw and fight over toys, scratching nearby siblings in the process. My sister and I decapitated every Barbie we had. There were never enough cookies. We had an insatiable appetite for forbidden fruit, whether it’s the magic cabinet that’s just above reach or the red-hot stove burner that looks so inviting. No wonder parents “child-proof” their homes! 

We are wired to be sneaky. We all have a devious streak, a demanding sin nature that rears its ugly head at every opportunity. 

Recognize that you are flawed. Exercise self-control. Depend on God’s power to overcome.

“When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us…But now we have died to it and are no longer captive to its power.” Romans 7:5-6 NLT

My grandpuppy, like most celebrity rat dogs, has a unique sense of style. He sports Christmas pajamas replete with jingle bells and blinking lights. He also owns a reindeer costume with antlers (a mere $30!!! at Petco). I saw Beauford naked the other day and had to avert my eyes. He was equally mortified and dashed behind the couch to hide his shame. Beauford loves his outfits!

Two-year-olds consider clothing to be optional. In fact, they run away from any grownup that attempts to clothe them. Once attired, the little nippers take the most inopportune moments to disrobe-usually in a December snowstorm or in front of snooty Aunt Bernice sitting by the Christmas tree. Okay, I confess. It was me. I hated Pampers. 

Don’t be naked! Clothe yourselves in God’s protection. 

Paul tells us to wear clothes.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12 NIV. He also warns us in Ephesians 6 to don our spiritual armor for protection from Satan. 

Potty-training is a challenge “twofers” seldom conquer until the age of three, and in the case of boys, until high school. Buzzer bells, M & M’s and potty chairs seldom coax the little buggers to do their business. Mom said I couldn’t go to preschool until I knew when and where to pee. Why couldn’t I figure out what the big ivory bowl was for?

Beauford knows. It is a cooling drinking fountain on a warm day and a Jacuzzi when he is feeling a little verklempt. Yes, our little pooch knows he is supposed to go outside to poop, but if the weather is cold or rainy, he simply backs up to the dog door and sticks his booty just far enough out of the dog door to leave his little brown present. After all, he can’t get his Santa sweater wet.

Discipline and self-sacrifice are unknown to the immature Christian. We bend God’s Word to say what we want, we demand God answer our every whim.

Learn to wait on God and submit to His will, even if it costs.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him” Psalm 62:1 NLT

Most toddlers slam into coffee tables corners, trip over Daddy’s shoes or run into walls. They crazily race around the house until face-planting with exhaustion. My Daddy tried to be Tarzan and jump off the roof with a knife in his teeth. I had my Dad’s daredevil genes.

My grand-dachschund is much too wily and lazy for over-exertion. He demands that his owners carry him from place to place with two or more blankets and chew-toys in tow. To avoid leaping, scampering or sauntering like most pooches, Beauford prances up carpeted ramps leading up to his king size bed and favorite recliner. He is a dog of leisure. Yes, Bo-Bo has trained his humans well, by golly! 

Our lives are lived to extremes. We either frantically, aimlessly race like toddlers or lazily lounge like our pets.

Are you stressed? Learn to lie in the lap of God’s presence. Are you unmotivated and apathetic? Let the Holy Spirit supercharge you with His passion and vision for you!

“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.” Psalm 37:7 NLT

“Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.” Romans 12:11 NLT

Why do we love our pets so? Perhaps we gaze into their whiskery little faces and see our reflections. The mischievous antics of our little ones remind us of our fallenness, and their zest for living reminds us of the exuberance and joy God intends.

Pups wag their tails with joy at the sight of their masters.

Worship with joy in God’s presence as you awaken each day.

Zephaniah 3:17 reads:  

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Take a moment to meditate on your “Owner,” your Creator and Father. Can you imagine the love of a God who sings over you? His Divine Dance for you will invigorate you! His protection and power can slow you down and give you peace.

Learn from our furry friends. Learn from our little ones. Enjoy God. Be content. Stop and feel the warmth of His presence.

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Sermons

Identity, Part Two: Royal Priest

by Seth Kreimeyer-Kelly
written by Seth Kreimeyer-Kelly

The Greek word for “royal” translates as “support of/to the people”. It’s a title of service and humility. Not how we typically think of royalty. This is then tied to the idea of priesthood. The priests care for the relationship between God and the people. The priest assures the people that God is with them. The priest grasps the destructiveness, and he brokenness of sin, and at the same time the beauty, healing and depth of grace.

Preached at Casas Church. Used by permission. (Worship included) 

 

 

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Articles

Parenting: Train Up a Parent

by Trevin Wax
written by Trevin Wax

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.&“Train up a child.” Rarely is a proverb so often quoted and so often misunderstood. It has become the slogan of parenting seminars. It gets referenced as a surefire promise – a divine reward for our toil and sweat as parents.

Young parents latch onto the proverb with the hope that their training will ensure the faithfulness of their children. Older parents feel the proverb’s implicit judgment, weary from watching a child or two depart from “the way,” and wondering whether their children’s disobedience points backward to their own failure in “training.”

I feel the weightiness of this proverb – first, as a parent who wants to see my kids love God and love others, and secondly, as an editor who works on resources involved in training children to worship the God who sent His Son to rescue them from sin. At home and at work, I am involved in “training” children in the way they should go, “teaching” them according to their way.

Unfortunately, some interpretations of this verse miss both the genre of the proverb in general and the meaning of this proverb in particular. And getting this proverb wrong leads to wrongheaded conclusions about parenting, training, and the hearts of our kids.

Proverbs, Not Promises

The first problem for some interpreters of this verse is to forget that the proverbs are just that – proverbs. They are general truths about the way the world normally works, not specific promises that encompass every possible situation. Some proverbs talk about hard work paying off and laziness leading to poverty. That’s generally true, of course, but the proverb genre assumes exceptions. You may know hard-working people trapped in cycles of poverty or lazy people with inherited wealth.

To interpret Proverbs 22:6 as a promise without exceptions is to misread the genre. Sometimes, you’ll find children who are faithful to the Lord – more faithful than their parents. In these cases, the “good outcome” did not depend on their parents’ training.

Other times, you’ll watch a child raised by godly parents go astray – an indication that all the training in the world cannot ensure a child’s faithfulness. Case in point: Jesus’ parable of the father with two sons, both of them lost in different ways. We know the prodigal eventually returned to the house, but when Jesus ended the story, the verdict was still out on the older brother. In both situations, we should not assume the father’s “inadequate training” was responsible for the elder brother’s stony heart or the younger brother’s rebellious deeds.

Meanwhile, it is all too easy for us to rely on our own visions of “training” as the silver bullet to a child’s heart.

In recent years, we’ve seen a growing consensus among many Christians that too much of our attention has been focused on getting kids to behave. Instead, we should emphasize grace and give kids the gospel. I’m grateful for this consensus. After all, there is no sense in teaching kids how to do good if we have failed to lead them to worship the only One who truly is good. We should never teach kids virtues apart from the Vine. As an editor, I want to make sure kids’ curriculum is not full of moralistic teaching (behavioral management), but the kind of biblical teaching that shows them Christ.

But what happens when you begin to rely on the “goodness” of your gospel-centered training, either as parents or church leaders, to ensure a desired outcome for your kids? Once again, we find ourselves relying on our own “training” as the primary driver in the change of a child’s heart, gospel-centered though that training may be.

Instead, we ought to recognize that all our efforts at “training children” in “the Way” need the power of the Spirit. We present God’s Word in its beauty and glory and then pray for the Spirit to soften hearts. We can put children in a posture to receive God’s saving grace, but our training is not to be confused with that grace. To switch the two – our training and God’s grace – is to put on ourselves a burden we cannot carry. 

Training Up a Child

The second misstep in interpreting this verse is getting the meaning right. The Hebrew is literally “initiate a child in accordance with his way.”

Now, this could mean one of two things. First, it could mean “direct a child in the way he should go” –emphasizing the direction one should take in life. To paraphrase: “set them down the right path and watch them go.” Secondly, it could mean “teach a child in accordance with his nature,” to meet them where they are and train them in age-appropriate ways.

My take on this passage is something a combination of the two. It’s focused on direction (otherwise, the second part of the proverb makes little sense), but the direction is specific – the way he should go. In other words, we are not giving children general training in holiness, but showing specifically how a child might utilize their own gifts and abilities in the fulfillment of their God-given vocation in life. To not “depart from it” means they will bear fruit as they walk the path God has assigned to them.

Training Up a Parent

The truth of Proverbs 22:6 should lead us to lean heavily on the Holy Spirit.

  • We need the illuminating work of the Spirit as we instill the truths of God’s Word in the hearts and minds of our children.
  • We need the sustaining work of the Spirit as we walk with our children through highs and lows, valleys and mountains, pointing them to God and His goodness at every turn.
  • We need the wisdom of the Spirit as we rely on His guidance to show us the best way to apply truths to children’s hearts.

In the general work of teaching them the ways of God and in the specific work of showing them how God might be calling them to particular avenues of obedience, we not only need to train; we need to be trained. There’s no sense in trying to train our kids to trust in God if what we model for them is that we trust in our training.

This proverb, placed in context of the whole Bible, is telling us that we should take our training of children seriously – both where we guide them and how we shepherd their hearts. But it’s also telling us to trust in the God who gave us this proverb, the God that all our training points to. In Him – not in our training – we place our hopes for our children.

thegospelcoalition.org/trevinwax/  Used by permission. 

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Ask Roger

Is the Harsh Old Testament God the Same as the Loving New Testament God?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

 

We have relatives who are not believers, and want to argue that the “harsh” God of the Old Testament could not be the same as Jesus of the New Testament. They ask, “How would a loving God wipe out whole nations, including babies. I would like to know how you respond to this question.

 

Dear Beth,

I know what you mean. I’ve often wondered the same thing.

 

For example, how do we reconcile Joshua 11:20 in the Old Testament with John 3:16 in the New Testament?

 

“For it was the Lord himself who hardened their hearts to wage war against Israel, so that he might destroy them totally, exterminating them without mercy, as the Lord had commanded Moses” (Joshua 11:20.

 

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16).

 

I’ve tried to sort it out for many years and couldn’t–until you asked your question! So, after reading your question I decided to focus on getting a satisfactory answer that had some substance and satisfaction.

 

Here Is How I Used To Answer The Question:

 

First, we cannot honestly overlay our morals, values and behaviors upon a previous generation or culture. Certainly, God’s directions for Israel to destroy entire cities wiping out all men, women, children, babies and live stock was normal behavior for people in the Old Testament. The average person in Old Testament times did not question God’s behavior or motives. This was just how life was lived.

 

That is not a very satisfying answer. I know. I didn’t like it either, but it was the best that I had at the time.

 

Second, I told people that this was just one of God’s mysteries and we must be content with not knowing until God reveals all in Heaven. I didn’t much like this answer either.

 

Finally, I told people that when our questions are “faith threateners”, we have to stand in faith on the resurrection. Jesus cheated death and promised that if we believe in Him that we can cheat death, too.

 

This belief trumps my doubts about an angry Old Testament God who did things that I can’t understand. Take time to read what Paul has to say about this in 1 Corinthians 15.

 

Here Is How I Answer The Question Today:

 

God Is Immutable. He Never Changes. He Is Always The Same.

 

In the Old and New Testaments God can be seen acting both harshly and lovingly. In the Old and New Testament, God (Jesus) can be seen acting both harshly and lovingly. God is consistently the same in character, values and behaviors both in the Old Testament as well as in the New.

 

Anger and harsh behavior are always the result of judgment for sin. Compassion and love are poured out on those who are hurting and suffering.

 

Let me share several examples.

 

God was sometimes harsh in the Old Testament: He, at times, instructed the Israelites to destroy completely an idol worshipping city.

 

“They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys” (Joshua 6:11).

 

Jesus was sometimes harsh in the New Testament: He was incredibly angry when He used a whip to drive the money changers out of the Temple. Also, He will sit on the throne at the Great White Throne Judgment and cast non Christians into Hell. That is very harsh behavior for the one we call the Loving Jesus.

 

“In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, ‘Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!’” (John 2:14-16).

 

“Then I saw a great white throne and him (Jesus) who was seated on it. … And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books…. Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:11-15).

 

God was often seen as compassionate and loving in the Old Testament. I often use Psalm 103 at funeral services. The picture here of a loving and comforting God is incomparable.

 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

 

Jesus was often seen as compassionate and loving in the Old Testament. The “Angel of the Lord” was a theophany of Jesus appearing in human form in the Old Testament. When the “Angel of the Lord” saw a sobbing woman and her son dying of thirst in the desert, He gave them water to drink and led them to safety.

 

“When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, ‘I cannot watch the boy die.’ And as she sat there, she began to sob.

 

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of the Lord (Jesus) called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, ‘What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.’ Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink” (Genesis 21:15-19).

 

The key to understanding that the God of the Old Testament is the same God of the New Testament revolves around the issues of sin and justice. As holy, perfect and righteous, God must punish sin harshly. As loving and compassionate He extends grace, mercy and forgiveness to those who humble themselves and trust in Him as Savior and Lord.

 

Well Beth, I hope this gives you some ideas on how to approach your relatives with the gospel.

 

Let me know how it all turns out.

 

Love, Roger

 

 

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: Why Kids Lie

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Why do kids lie? They start early.

It’s hard to trust again after a child has started habitually lying. How can you be sure he won’t lie again? How do you break him of the habit? Because once he starts, it’ll only get worse. If you’ve got a child who’s started lying, here are some things you may want to know. 

Kids lie for two basic reasons. 

One is for wish fulfillment. Some kids will come home and tell you they scored three goals in soccer…and then you find out they didn’t play at all.

The second is out of fear. “Did you break that vase?” you demand. “No, I didn’t do it! Little Joey did it!” your seven-year-old claims. Most children lie out of fear.  in order for there to be a relationship between two human beings, it must be based on trust otherwise the lying will become a mountain and get between them. So if your child lies to you, he needs to be caught in that lie and told that lying is not acceptable. There also needs to be a second consequence for lying.

Let’s say that, a couple days later, your child says something like, “Can I go next door and play with Ronnie?”

Your answer needs to be a matter-of-fact “No.”

“Buy why?” your child asks. “You always let me go.” 

Now’s the teachable moment. 

“Honey, I don’t have any assurance that you’re going to be where you said you’ll be. Remember Wednesday night, when you told me you were going to be at Susan’s—and you weren’t?” 

Do you beat the kid over the head with the lie? No. Don’t drag it out long term. But saying something like that two or three times makes a memorable impression on a child that lying isn’t what you do. It doesn’t gain you anything, and it breaks down trust between the two of you. Children need to see and feel that immediate result. 

Remember the age old admonition: “You won’t get in trouble if you tell me the truth.” That needs to be true of your family. If your child tells the truth she can know that you’re unhappy, but she should not be punished for telling the truth. In those situations, you’ll need to think carefully before you open your mouth. How you respond to such a situation directly relates to how comfortable your child is in telling you the truth. Kids can be as dumb as mud and will do stupid things, but if they own up to them and say they’re sorry, they need to know that life will go on and you won’t beat them over the head for years for their mistake. 

Lastly, parents too have to be careful about their own lies; even those pesky little white lies are still lies. If you say to your child, “If someone from work calls, I’m not here,” and it’s not the truth, your child is smart enough to know it. And then your kid thinks, If it’s okay for you to lie, it’s okay for me to lie. Don’t forget, if you value honesty, you must also model it for your children. And that goes for any bit of character you’d like to see develop in your child 

For more on raising kids, Have a New Kid by Friday is a valuable resource!

Purchase Have a New Kid by Friday HERE.

– See more at: www.birthorderguy.com/parenting/liar-liar-pants-on-fire/

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Is Your Church Morphing from McDonald’s to Starbucks?

by David Murrow
written by David Murrow

The average person isn’t buying the “core product” of our churches. Why is that?

Have you been to McDonald’s lately? Ronald is taking a back seat. What used to be a garish, clown-faced, cheap hamburger joint is morphing into a hip, cozy coffee shop featuring “McCafe” with free wi-fi, sophisticated coffee blends and frappucinos.

McDonald’s is already the number one java seller in the UK and Australia. Some observers believe that within a decade more people will come to MickeyD’s for coffee than for burgers and fries. A few predict McDonald’s will someday exit the hamburger business entirely.

McDonald’s “core product” is changing with the times. The U.S. burger market is saturated. Americans are beginning to think outside the bun. The only way McDonald’s can survive is to offer a new core product that will draw people in.

A similar change has been afoot in the church for the past 30 years. The “core product” we offered for centuries is falling out of favor with Americans. So we’re rolling out a new one. Unfortunately, this new core product is much more compelling to women than it is to men.

So what is the church’s old core product? Eternal salvation. Come to church and live forever. A pretty potent promise. Religion was literally a matter of life and death.

The entire evangelical world was once built around our core product. Look at church history. Traveling evangelists criss-crossed the country. Tent meetings were common. Every Baptist church had a spring revival. Believers went “witnessing.” America’s largest parachurch organizations were all in the soul-winning business: Campus Crusade for Christ, Youth for Christ and the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Summer camps focused on getting people saved. Churches counted and reported converts and baptisms to headquarters.

Our worship services were designed to sell the core product. Sermons often focused on eternity. When I was a teenager, every single church service – regardless of topic – concluded with an altar call. Urgent pleas to receive Christ. It was your weekly opportunity to escape the flames of hell by coming forward to receive Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.

But a funny thing started happening about 40 years ago. People stopped buying our core product. Numbers dwindled at crusades. Altar calls were going unanswered. Door-to-door evangelism stopped producing converts. The old evangelical pick-up line (If you were to die tonight, do you know where you’d spend eternity?) no longer got the desired response.

Why did our core product suddenly go out of style? Simple. People stopped dropping dead unexpectedly.

A little history lesson: since the dawn of humanity, sudden, unexpected death was common. People just “up-and-died” all the time. Plagues wiped out entire cities. Diseases had no cure. Sister Mattie would be fit-as-a-fiddle on Monday and dead-as-a-doornail by Friday. People had large families because they knew 2 or 3 kids would not live to see adulthood. Undertakers were busy.

In a world where people drop dead at any moment from incurable diseases, your eternal destination was of utmost importance. Preachers would stand at the altar and say, “This may be your last opportunity to accept Christ and go to heaven!” And they were right.

But in recent years sudden, unexpected death has become rare, particularly in the developed world. Average lifespan has almost doubled since the 1850s. Modern medicine has cured or controlled many lethal diseases. Occupational safety is the law. Cars are safer, and highway fatalities are at record lows. Even wars kill far fewer people than they once did.

So about 40 years ago people began to realize they weren’t going to die tonight – or even before next Sunday. The urgency to be saved right now was gone. Americans were no longer thinking much about eternity. The church needed a new core product to get people in the door.

In 1977, a California psychologist named James Dobson founded an organization called Focus on the Family. About that same time Campus Crusade for Christ launched Family Life, a new kind of ministry focused specifically on relationships. Also in the 1970s a Catholic priest from Spain imported Marriage Encounter to the U.S. Authors such as Gary Smalley created the multimillion-dollar Christian relationship book-and-tape market.

These pioneers found huge demand for their new product. Literally millions of Christians read their books, listened to their broadcasts and attended their weekend retreats. Family-oriented ministries grew like bamboo in a rainforest.

Pastors saw what was happening. They finally began preaching on relationships in the 1980s. Over the next 35 years the entire Evangelical movement shifted its focus from personal salvation to personal relationships.

Relationship ministry is absolutely essential, but evangelism is getting lost in the shuffle.

Today it’s rare to find a church that offers regular altar calls. The word hell, sin and repentance are rarely even mentioned in megachurches. But sermon series on relationships are as common as boots at a rodeo.

In less than 40 years the core product of the church has shifted from saving broken souls to saving broken relationships. The very way modern Evangelicals describe the gospel reflects the new core product: a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Now, I’m not saying that churches have abandoned salvation altogether. We still offer the old core product, but we no longer place it front and center. Like McDonalds, we still offer hamburgers, but we market ourselves as a coffee house.

American Christianity is in the process of rebranding itself. The gospel is no longer described as a life-and-death mission, it’s a “personal relationship with Jesus.” Many pastors and churches have embraced a slogan like this: “Christianity is not a religion, it’s a relationship.” Evangelistic organizations are dropping their mission-oriented names. Campus Crusade for Christ is in the process of renaming itself, “Cru.”

These marketing moves are bringing people in the doors. With more than 40% of U.S. children born out of wedlock and family disruption common, people are looking for help with their relationships. A Gospel focused on relationships addresses a felt need in today’s broken world.

There’s only one problem: the Bible emphasizes man’s fall, Christ’s work on the cross and our need for a Savior precede the transformation of interpersonal relationships.

First, that term: personal relationship with Jesus. It never appears in scripture. Across 66 books of the Bible, never once are humans commanded to enter into a relationship with God or Jesus. This metaphor is the creation of 20th century preachers who wanted to make the Gospel appealing to their core constituency: women.

Second, if you read what Jesus really said about relationships, you’ll be shocked. There is another side of relationships you must consider. Obeying Christ is central to your faith. Jesus said He did not come to bring people together, He came to divide them (Matt. 10:34-35). He said that any man who did not hate his family members was not worthy to be his disciple (Luke 14:26) He promised lavish rewards to those left their families behind for His kingdom (Luke 18:29-30). Not exactly the kinds of things you hear on Family Life Today.

And third, if you step back and examine the broad themes of the Bible, interpersonal relationships would not even make the top ten list. The apostle Paul addresses relationships infrequently, often for the purpose of keeping the early church from slipping into immorality. Almost every Christian book and sermon on relationships is taken from the few things Paul had to say about them.

Don’t misunderstand me. There’s nothing wrong with the church dispensing relationship advice. Churches are wise to offer counseling and conflict resolution teaching in an era where the family unit is disintegrating.

The Bible clearly endorses marriage, fidelity and comity between individuals. The greatest commandments are to love the Lord and our neighbor.

But is this what the Gospel is really about? Is relational harmony the MAIN reason people should come to church? Is it “core product” we offer to the world?

Here’s my concern: if people come to see the church as “in the relationship business,” we set ourselves up for a number of unpleasant consequences:

  • More women and fewer men involved in church, since women are so much more relationally focused than men
  • Fewer young men in attendance
  • Further alienation of singles as teaching focuses more and more on marriage and children
  • Less focus on mission, evangelism and outreach
  • More passivity among the men and women who do go to church
  • A growing reputation as a feminized institution
  • Increased pressure to accept alternative relationships (unmarried, homosexual, polyamorous, etc.)
  • People blaming the church when their relationships go south
  • More “me” focused Christians
  • Fewer people accepting Christ’s gift of salvation

The Gospel is relevant to every area of life – relationships included. But Christ did not die a horrible death on the cross so you could have a regular date night. We need to keep the main thing the main thing. Men are interested in relationships, but they’re motivated by mission. The Gospel’s message of redemption must remain front and center, even if it doesn’t bring as many people in the doors.

http://www.churchformen.com. Used by permission.

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11 Ways to Become a Visionary Leader

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

How do leaders get vision?

The short answer to this question is: People find what they look for and leaders look for vision. We all pursue our priorities and leaders prioritize finding fresh vision.

Use these 11 progressive steps to craft, fine-tune, and communicate vision in your organization.

1. Learn everything you can about your organization, similar organizations, and your industry. (Nanus) (xi)

Every business and industry has fundamental competencies and you must know them. What does it take for an organization in your industry to succeed.? What are the non-negotiables of your organization? For instance, the fundamental competencies of a church are different than those of a manufacturing company. Doing business in China presents different constraints than doing business in Brazil. You must have a firm grasp of the uniquenesses of your organization and industry.

2. Define reality; what is the current state of your organization?

“An accurate, insightful view of current reality is a prerequisite for crafting vision. You must be committed to the truth.” Peter Senge

A leader’s first task is to define reality; what is the current state of your organization? You cannot be clear about what the future of your organization should look like unless you are clear about its present state. Be an optimistic realist—a realist about the past and an optimist about the future.
A good place to start is to answer five questions posed by Peter Drucker. He said every organization must have a good answer to these issues: (xii)

  • What is our mission?
  • Who is our customer?
  • What does the customer want?
  • What are our results?
  • What is our plan?

Another approach is to delve deeply into the SWOT issues:

  • What are our strengths?
  • What are our weaknesses?
  • What are our opportunities?
  • What are our threats?

In your search for a thorough and honest picture of reality, you and your team must have frank dialogue among yourselves but you should also solicit the input of others, including customers, competitors, front-line workers, and even spouses of employees.

3. Initiate the process of crafting vision.

As the leader, you are responsible for ensuring that your organization has updated, viable vision. If you don’t do this, it will probably not be done. Followers just assume that the leader will handle this, and, not wanting to be insubordinate, they most likely will not take the initiative.

A leader takes the initiative in two ways:

As the leader, you take the time—alone—to dream about the future. Most people don’t take the time to think systematically about the future of an organization but leaders do, so you must. On a regular basis, spend time thinking about the future.

As the leader, lead your team in thinking about the future. While you are responsible for your organization having vision, that doesn’t mean you have to craft vision by yourself. Actually, developing vision collaboratively with your team is usually better than doing it alone. Most organizations are so complex and their environment so difficult, that no one individual, no matter how bright and talented, can see it all. On a regular basis your team needs to hear you say, “Let’s take some time to think about the future.”

Burt Nanus says, “It is much better to develop a vision with others than to try to do it all on your own. A group process is likely to improve the quality of your vision by bringing a wider range of informed viewpoints and expertise to bear on your search. It will be easier to implement the results when your team has had a hand in the choice of vision and shares responsibility for it.”

Kouzes and Posner also recommend collaborative vision casting: “Leadership is not a monologue, nor should the creation of a vision statement be done individually and without the active involvement of others who must attend to these operations. The process of finding common ground, often through the creation of a statement of shared values and vision, is as important as the content itself, and sometimes even more so.” (xiv)

4. Invent alternate “pictures of the future” and choose the best.

Relative to your your organization’s future, there are probably multiple, attractive alternatives to pursue. Consider many options and choose the best.

Vision doesn’t have to be original. There’s nothing wrong with noticing what is working for others and copying it. The old adage, “Most good ideas are borrowed; most great ideas are stolen” is both humorous and truthful. Of course, copyrights, patents and trademarks must be honored and proper acknowledgments made, but don’t think that your vision must always be novel. Sam Walton, founder of Wall Mart, once confessed, “Most everything I’ve done, I’ve copied from someone else.”

Leaders are good “spotters” – often functioning more as talented curators than as gifted artists. Leaders know how to recognize what others have done that will work for them and they’re not too proud to borrow the idea.

5. Submit all potential vision to robust dialogue.

All ideas and plans will be improved upon when submitted to the wisdom of others. That’s called robust dialogue. Consider all initial ideas to be malleable —rough ideas that need to be fine-tuned—and let your team massage them. Their input will make the ideas better and will increase their sense of ownership. Simply ask, “What do you think about this idea?” and then listen attentively.

6. Write the vision down.

Do not underestimate the importance of writing down the vision. Writing helps us codify and clarify our thoughts and it makes it easier to communicate the vision to others.

Nanus offers a helpful template for recording vision. Complete this statement for various time-frames (one month, six months, twelve months, eighteen months, etc.).

My organization plans to make enormous progress over the next ________ (months, years) by ___________________________. (Nanus) (xv)

7. Allow vision to mature.

Before you finalize vision, put it in the oven and let it bake for a while. Good vision is usually the result of a considered process.

This is why vision retreats (usually off-site events with the express purpose of crafting vision) often produce inferior results. It’s difficult to craft good vision in one setting. While it may be helpful to devote several days to focusing on the future, consider it as part of an on-going process, not as an isolated, single and stand-alone event.

Of course, at some point in the process you do have to pull the trigger and act on your vision, but be patient, thoughtful, thorough, and careful in working to get it right.

8. Communicate the vision.

Nanus says, “Vision is little more than an empty dream until it is widely shared and accepted.” Crafting vision is, perhaps, the easy part; communicating the vision and garnering genuine commitment (not just compliance) is a tremendous challenge. Do not underestimate how hard it is for people to “see” something that does not exist. Image a sculptor trying to describe to others what he sees inside a block of marble—that’s the challenge a leader faces in communicating vision.

Here are some suggestions on how to communicate vision.

Share the vision.
Leaders speak often of the future. Don’t neglect this obvious and critical step: share the vision and ask people to embrace it and own it. Also, give people adequate time to process the vision. It probably took a long time for the vision to mature into its present form so don’t expect people to immediately understand what might have taken you months to solidify. Your goal is for everyone in the organization to eventually embrace the vision and become “vision carriers.”

Vision cannot be forced upon people.
Warren Bennis reminds us that “Vision cannot be established in an organization by edict, or by the exercise of power or coercion.” A heavy-handed approach may solicit a measure of compliance but it will not garner people’s whole-hearted endorsement or involvement. You must share the vision in an attractive way and ask people to adopt it.

Personify the vision.
Never paint the vision without placing yourself in the picture. Kouzes and Posner teach us that, “If the vision is someone else’s, and you don’t own it, it will be very difficult for you to enlist others in it. If you have trouble imagining yourself actually living the future described in the vision, you’ll certainly not be able to convince others that they ought to enlist in making it a reality.” (xvi)

A good example of a leader personifying a vision was Mother Teresa. Her organization, Missionaries of Charity, existed to “Reach out to the destitute on the streets, offering wholehearted service to the poorest of the poor” and she embodied that vision daily.

Vision “leaks”; that is, people forget, so you must continually reiterate vision.
It’s naive to think that you can state the vision once and assume that everyone understands it and will adopt it. You must talk about the vision so many times you may get tired of repeating it.

The more you know your people and they know you, the more likely your vision will be accepted.
Bennis and Nanus write, “Trust is the emotional glue that binds followers and leaders together. The accumulation of trust is a measure of the legitimacy of leadership. It cannot be mandated or purchased; it must be earned. Trust is the basic ingredient of all organizations, the lubrication that maintains the organization.” Followers may be understandably reticent to embrace the vision of a leader whom they do not know. John Maxwell says, “People buy into the leader before they buy into the vision.”

9. Make necessary changes in organizational structure to accommodate vision.

Bennis and Nanus teach, “Changes in the management processes, organizational structure and management style all must support the changes in the pattern of values and behavior that a new vision implies.” (xix)

If your vision is just an incremental modification of the current status, major structural changes in the organization may be unnecessary. But if the vision is a radical departure from the status quo, significant changes may be required so that the organization’s structure will aid, not impede, the new direction. These changes may impact human resources, budget, facilities, systems, and operations.

10. Immediately connect vision with execution.

“Ideas don’t move mountains; bulldozers move mountains, but ideas show where the bulldozers have to go to work.” Peter Drucker

Quinn adds, “When we have a vision, it does not necessarily mean that we have a plan. We may know where we want to be, but not know the actual steps to get there.”

The epitaph of many organizations might be: They had an exciting vision but it was poorly implemented. Crafting credible vision is necessary but not sufficient; it gets you to first base but doesn’t add any points to the scoreboard.

Vision defines what the organization wants to do; execution considers how it will be done.

It’s important to talk about execution while you’re crafting vision because it forces you to test the credibility of vision early on. You may be visualizing a future that is totally unrealistic and unattainable.

11. Continually adjust your vision.

Military personnel know that no strategy can withstand first contact with the enemy. Military strategists compose a strategy based on available information but as soon as the enemy is engaged variables change and plans must be adjusted.

Similarly, football coaches prepare a game-plan before the game but it is usually fine-tuned at half-time in response to current reality.

In like manner, regardless of how well-thought-out your vision may be, when it comes in contact with the future it will need to be adjusted. This is particularly true for dynamic organizations operating in fast-changing environments.

Vision cannot be static and immutable. Because we’re dealing with the unknown (the future), vision must be malleable and dynamic. That’s no excuse for being wishy-washy, tentative, or hesitant about your vision, but you must be flexible and resilient.

 

Vision-casting is a never-ending process. Get good at this and you will lead well; ignore this lesson and your leadership will always be lacking.

Re-printed from “Think with Me”-www.donmcminn.com.

 

 

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Three Signs Your Ego is Making Your Decisions

by Jon Acuff
written by Jon Acuff

A few weeks ago, I told myself, “I am going to Internet so hard in 2015!”

That wasn’t an official goal, but more of a statement you yell at your laptop in coffee shops full of suddenly terrified people who don’t want to sit near the guy who yells at laptops.

I thought I was going to blog daily.

I was wrong.

Instead I am going to write daily and blog a few times a week.

Why the switch?

Because I realized my ego was driving my decision, not my discipline.

I wasn’t building a creative habit when I blogged daily, I was getting a daily fix of reaction. If I wrote something on a Tuesday morning, I wanted to launch it immediately and watch my Twitter feed fill up. Suddenly, I didn’t focus on the writing, I focused on what would get the most notifications.

The thought of writing an idea on a Tuesday and not posting it until a Wednesday seemed impossible. My ego argued, “Wait, wait, wait! I thought the whole point of blogging was to get people to tell you that you’re interesting or cool or have nice hair. If we don’t immediately share what we’ve written, how will we know it’s good? How will we know it matters?”

If postponing a blog post for 24 hours doesn’t seem like a herculean effort of ego control, well then bully for you. Or if you’re able to post every day without getting caught up in the ego game, that’s awesome. But for me, writing daily and posting every other day was/is a struggle. Maybe your ego manifests itself in different ways.

Here are three signs to know if your ego is making your decisions:

1. You’re impulsive
Ego’s favorite time frame is “RIGHT NOW!” If waiting on a decision for 24 hours feels impossible, ego might be at the wheel.

2. You’re compulsive
Ego’s favorite amount of anything is “MORE.” There’s never enough for our egos and they are never satisfied. If you achieve something and feel emptiness instead of satisfaction, beware.

Ego’s favorite time frame is “RIGHT NOW!” Ego’s favorite amount of anything is “MORE!”

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3. You’re angry
If the ego doesn’t get more of what it wants, right now, there’s an eruption of anger. You might not kick over a table, but you’ll throw a tiny adult tantrum internally.

I’m still going to Internet so hard in 2015.

I’m still going to write things that I hope people will tweet because other writers encouraged me for years and I want to do the same for other people.

I might even go through seasons where I can blog everyday.

But I’m going to keep my eye on my ego.

Not because I’m noble, but because my ego is a horrible decision maker. And I’ve learned something:

Patient beats impulsive. Deliberate beats compulsive. Peaceful beats angry.

Patient beats impulsive. Deliberate beats compulsive. Peaceful beats angry.

Re-printed from www.jonacuff.me. Used by permission of the author.

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How to Survive and Thrive with Cancer

by Darlene Zschech
written by Darlene Zschech

Recently, at a routine mammogram, the doctors discovered that I had developed breast cancer. Since then, it has been a whirlwind of appointments, scans and surgery.

Even though the past days have been very tough at times, the Holy Spirit has brought me endless comfort and the Word of God is literally holding me moment by moment. My husband and children have been heroic and I can’t thank my family enough for their love and support through this. Our church leadership team have anointed me with oil and prayed with unity and authority, a band of trusted friends have helped me prayerfully and practically.

Through all of this, my heart is overwhelmed with God’s love and goodness.

This entire journey has truly been a mind game. Keeping my MIND focused on all God says, instead of how I am feeling, which is becoming a little fragile at times. In this, I keep going to my journal of promises from God’s Word. In this book are my list of scriptures that I absorb like a daily tonic. It is in this space that I find rest.

During this whole process, I have received so many great encouraging letters and emails from those who have walked through the fire and come out smelling smoke free at the other end. I cannot begin to express how this fuels my soul for the days ahead.

Today, I read the scriptures that Pastor Kirk Pankratz from Oklahama sent me that they spoke over their daughter last year when she battled a certain cancer. SO awesone to hear the great story of God’s victory in and through it all.  Here are some of them:

Psalm 91:15-16 – He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him My salvation.

2 Timothy 1:7 – For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

1 John 4:4 – You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

Romans 8:37 – Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Phillipians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Isaiah 59:19 – When the enemy comes in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him.

Luke 1 :37 – For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.

Again and again, God’s word trumps our adversities. It’s His nature to heal and to rescue. Never forget that. It’s all based on His great love for us – not on anything we have done.

Would I rather NOT be walking through this? Absolutely, however what I am learning is that God is close to the brokenhearted in ways I only dreamed of and this brings me ENDLESS HOPE.

HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR THOSE ON A CANCER JOURNEY

THE WORD. This has been my top priority. These scriptures lead me to continued HOPE and TRUST. Declaring scripture and reading it loud when my heart trembles or my emotions go AWOL. Through this treatment I have been super tired. SO, reading out loud has been awesome.

PRAYING FRIENDS AND FAMILY. There are times that I literally FEEL the prayers of the saints close and afar carrying me. And when I have been unable to utter a prayer. I know someone is praying. You have no idea the comfort this brings. When I am able, rest assured I pray for all of you. My hubby is my rock, my girls are fiercely loyal and covered by many prayers and supported by friends

WORSHIP. The word is clear about bringing our prayers, our worship, our songs, before, during and after any storms that may come our way.  So I sit at my piano when I can and simply love Jesus. I open the Psalms and let my heart come out.

GREAT FOOD. Ok, this has been trial and error for me. AT first, I went FULLY raw food… juicing like a mad woman (which I still do a lot of) but with my type of chemo I have learned I must have my food cooked to keep germs at bay (white blood cell count alert!.. ended up in hospital a few times.. not intending to go again).

SO, lots of soups, tasty, wild salmon, and steamed broccoli with every meal.. basically, whatever I feel like, if it is good for me and I simply eat it when I feel like eating.  AS your taste buds die off, its hard to always know, but doing my best thanks to family and friends cooking like champions for me AND my family.

EXERCISE. All my training, beach runs, lifting weights. I have not been able to manage. BUT, I am walking whenever I can. The sunshine is a great place to find yourself thanking God for every day, and the walking is a great way to keep your system feeling at its best despite everything.

LAUGHTER. Just making sure your friends feel ok to pop in, send you silly videos, sit and chat and laugh and cry is SO good for the soul. This is such an intense time, and doctors appointments can be very confronting, a merry soul definitely does good like a medicine. Thank You Proverbs 17:22!!

JUST DO WHAT YOU CAN. I have been busy in the home when I can, writing songs, playing with my grand-babies and cooking, all simply when I can.

Don’t push yourself just be kind to yourself.

AND LASTLY, JOURNAL.. Writing down the God whispers and even the days of silence. Writing down how my body feels on certain days so I am more prepared next treatment. Writing down scriptures that those I trust to speak into my situation have felt to share with me. This book brings me comfort and is helping my emotions to have an outlet. My journal also gives me somewhere to place random song lyrics, random thoughts, random ramblings and so on…

Thank You again everyone. I’ll be laying low this week, but my heart is good, God is faithful and I see the horizon and it looks GOOD!!!

Much love and prayers for Darlene at this time.

http://www.darlenezschech.com/blog/ Used by permission.

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Don’t Put God in a Box

by Frank Viola
written by Frank Viola

Have you ever heard someone make this statement?

“You’re putting God in a box!”

I’ve watched it used in two ways. One is legitimate, the other is a deflection from a spiritual truth.

The legitimate use of it usually occurs when someone ignores what the Bible says about the Holy Spirit’s ministry, or they try to restrict it beyond what Scripture teaches.

For example, if someone says, “God always and only speaks to us through the Bible and no other way.”

Well, that person is putting God in a box because the Bible itself shows us that God speaks through many different means (even though His speaking will never contradict the Scriptures).

The same with the person who states or implies that God’s highest or most accurate revelation comes from a certain camp (Reformed/Calvinist, “The Local Church Movement,” the Pentcostals, etc.)

To believe or suggest such a thing is putting God in a box, fo sho (that being translated means “for sure.”)

But . . .

When it comes to pointing out the consistent principles upon which God works, sometimes a person will use the “You’re putting God in a box” because they don’t particularly like those principles or they are ignorant of them. So the statement becomes a deflection.

For instance, suppose someone says, “God’s way is to use human beings to bring the message of the gospel to the lost.”

Someone who doesn’t like that idea retorts with, “You’re putting God in a box! I once read a story of a left-handed albino who was living in Botswana, Africa and an angel appeared to him, preaching the gospel to him, and the ablino got saved as a result.”

The above remark is designed to overturn or call into question the consistent spiritual principle that God has chosen humans to be the normative way in which the gospel is declared and spread.

I once heard my friend Stephen Crosby give a comment to the misuse of the “You’re putting God in a box” slogan.

This isn’t an exact quote as I’ve changed it slightly.

“In times of spiritual dysfunction, the Lord will sometimes use the exceptional and the extraordinary. But those instances do not negate the normative way He does things.”

So yes, sometimes God may use an angel to preach the gospel. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore the normative way of preaching the gospel via human beings because we heard a report that an angel preached the gospel once.

The truth is, there are certain lines upon which God works when it comes to the raising up of Christian workers, the founding of local ekklesias, and the sending out of workers.* These principles should never be ignored, overlooked, or minimized because they aren’t popular today or because God has worked outside of them during times of spiritual dysfunction.

So before you play the “You’re putting God in a box” card, consider whether you’re standing with Scripture or your own personal preferences.

www.frankviola.org. Used by permission.

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Neuroscience Finds Porn and Masturbation Destroy Willpower

by Luke Gilkerson
written by Luke Gilkerson

Neuroscience now knows that willpower is a function of the prefrontal lobes of the brain. Scientific studies have also confirmed that using porn over and over actually reshapes these areas of the brain, literally eroding our willpower and our moral compass.

Neuroscientists call it hypofrontality. Hypofrontality is a state in which there is decreased blood flow to the prefrontal lobes of the brain. Hypofrontality is observed in schizophrenia patients, and is also observed in all manner of addictions.

What is Hypofrontality?

In his book, The Porn Circuit, Sam Black explains what hypofrontality is for the porn viewer.

“Compulsiveness is a good descriptor of hypofrontality. Many porn users feel focused on getting to porn and masturbating even when a big part of them is saying, ‘Don’t do this.’ Even when negative consequences seem imminent, impulse control is too weak to battle the cravings.”

The porn-addicted brain has trouble thinking logically. When impulses and desires come from the midbrain, instead of being moderated, the brain feels these desires as compelling needs. The prefrontal region is supposed to be able to weigh consequences and situations and judiciously shut down cravings, but hypofrontality means the addict’s ability to do this is impaired.

To the addict, when the craving for porn surfaces, their whole body gears up for action. As unhindered hormones are released and neurotransmitters fire, the craving consumes them. The heart begins to race, blood pressure rises, and the addict is consumed by a single thought: “Just one more time.”

What Causes Hypofrontality?

Compared to other creatures on earth, human beings have a very well developed prefrontal region. When our prefrontal lobes are working properly, then we have “executive control” of the processes going on in our brains. It is where we do our abstract thinking, make goals, solve problems, regulate behavior, and where we suppress emotions, impulses, and urges.

But the more one masturbates to porn, the more dopamine is released in the brain. Eventually dopamine receptors and signals in the brain fatigue, leaving the viewer wanting more but unable to reach a level of satisfaction. The viewer becomes numb to things once considered pleasurable. “To escape this desensitization, people, and men especially, expand their pornographic tastes to more novel stimuli,” Black writes. This leads, again, to more fatigue.

Desensitization impacts the prefrontal cortex. As dopamine receptors decline in the brain, so do the amount of neural cells in the prefrontal lobes.

How Do You Cure Hypofrontality?

To bring the prefrontal lobes back into working order, a two-pronged attack is needed: (1) the old neural pathways must be starved, and (2) new neural pathways must be built and fed, increasing dopamine levels in a way that build up the prefrontal cortex.

1. Starve: Stop All Pornography and Fantasy

Don’t give into the urge to look at porn. As the prefrontal lobes are given plenty of time to rest, executive control will be strengthened over time.

This advice feels to many like a catch-22. “You tell me I’ve killed my willpower by looking at porn. So now the way to increase my willpower is by willing myself not to look at porn. How does that work?” Isn’t that like telling the alcoholic to “just stop it”?

The big difference between “just stop it” and a conscious effort to rewire your brain is this: The man being told to “just stop it” has no hope that the cravings will ever be different. When he hears “just stop it,” he hears, “Live with these intense cravings the rest of your life and never give into them.” To the addict porn is life. Telling him to stop is like telling him to die.

However, informed by the process of how our brains can change, the addict can avoid porn and fantasy knowing that real change is possible. Change is built into the very fabric of our brains. Change is exactly what our brains are designed to do. When this person abstains from porn, he thinks, “Okay, this really stinks for now. I feel terrible. But I will not always feel this way. In fact, I aim to reclaim my brain so I can experience real, lasting pleasure again.”

Here are some helpful tips for avoiding pornography

  • Redirection – When you feel the urge, get into the habit of distracting yourself with another activity that you can start immediately. This can be as simple as a breathing exercise or journaling your thoughts. It can be as involved as making a meal or going for a jog. It will be difficult to do, but each time you choose to redirect, your brain will build new neural circuits.
  • Avoid All External Triggers – Remember, you’ve carved a grand-canyon-sized gorge of neural circuits in your mind. It is easy for everyday experiences to become triggers. If the trigger is a specific channel on TV, refuse to visit that channel. If the trigger is a type of person you see walking down the street, choose to bounce your eyes away from that person. Learn what your triggers are and for the first several weeks or months, completely avoid them—no exceptions.
  • Avoid Internal Triggers – External triggers are things you experience in the world. Internal triggers are emotions or states of mind. For some, when they feel lonely, this has become a trigger for porn. Porn has become their release valve to make themselves feel good. Identify what your internal triggers are (loneliness, boredom, exhaustion, anger, etc.), and create an escape plan when these emotions pop up. Call a friend. Journal your thoughts. Do something creative.
  • Avoid SUDs – “Seemingly Unimportant Decisions.” These are the rationalizations you say to yourself to get you one step closer to porn. “I’m just going to see what’s on TV.” “I’m just going to check my e-mail.” “I’m just going to get on Facebook.” Get honest with yourself and learn what your SUDs are. Be ruthless against these rationalizations.
  • Avoid Inactivity – Fill up your social calendar to the brim. Refuse to give yourself an open window.
  • Finish the Fantasy – When the thought of looking at porn enters your mind, immediately finish the fantasy: imagine yourself having just orgasmed and the feeling of shame, guilt, or disgust you feel. Vividly experience the emotions.
  • Destroy Fantasies – As a fantasy or thought enters your mind, picture the image being eliminated. Draw a red X over it. Smash it with a hammer. Put it through the shredder. Flush it down the nastiest looking toilet you’ve ever seen.

2. Feed: Build Up Your Brain

Much like a muscle, the more you exercise the prefrontal cortex, the stronger it becomes. The goal is to engage in new habits that will increase your dopamine and dopamine receptors.

Change is Gradual, But It Will Come

Summarizing these above two points, Sam Black writes in The Porn Circuit:

Whatever rewarding activity is pursued, it needs to be an activity that is reoccurring. Building new rewarding neural pathways requires time and ongoing repetition…

  1. Neurons that fire together wire together. Repeating a pleasurable activity instead of the compulsive activity, such as porn use, forms a new circuit that is gradually reinforced instead of the compulsion.
  2. Neurons that fire apart wire apart. When a person refuses to act on a compulsion, like porn and masturbation, it weakens the link between the activity and the idea that it will provide relief.

(Download the The Porn Circuit)

The prefrontal cortex is one of the things that makes us unique from other creatures on earth. By reclaiming it we are reclaiming more than our willpower. We are reclaiming our humanity.

Picture credit: healthblog
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Why Aren’t Single Men in Church?

by David Murrow
written by David Murrow

ou’re not imagining it: there’s a severe shortage of single men in the church. Not just here in the U.S., but also around the world.

When I was writing my first book, I spoke to a Christian woman from France. “Once a woman receives Jesus here, she is unmarriagable,” the woman said. “There are almost no men in my country who are following Christ. And French men will not marry a woman whose faith in Jesus is so strong. She is a leper in their eyes.”

Christian colleges are becoming convents. I recently visited a Christian college in the Pacific Northwest, whose student body is 66% female. Camerin Courtney writes, “I often joke with a single male friend of mine that because of his gender, he’s got a buffet of dating/mate choices stretched out before him. I, on the other hand…am starving in the desert.”

Christian writers like Joshua Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye) have have given men permission ignore the opposite sex — and appear godlier for it. So even the guys who go to church seem afraid to date. They may feel pressure since there are so many women to choose from. One man said that going to a singles meeting feels like “walking into a room full of bees with honey smeared on your face.”

There’s even a joke about the gender imbalance. It goes like this: Men in the church are like parking spaces. All the good ones are either already taken, or they’re handicapped.”

So where are all the single Christian men? How can you meet one?

Research shows that single men are more likely to attend churches that fit the following profile:

  • Large (thousands of attendees on a weekend)
  • Headed by a male pastor who’s bold and outspoken
  • Non-denominational
  • Contemporary worship style
  • Conservative theology
  • Risk-taking culture
  • Offers intentional male discipleship
  • Worship service done in under 90 minutes

I’m not suggesting you switch churches over this issue. You need to grow where God has planted you. But it probably wouldn’t hurt to visit such a church – especially if your church offers nothing for singles.

A columnist for Christianity Today writes, “I have great single female friends who want godly husbands—as do I. We want to build strong Christian marriages and raise good godly children. And we simply have no idea where to find these great men, if they even exist.” Yes, they exist, but they’re hard to find because demand is outstripping supply.

http://www.churchesformen.com. Used by permission

 

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Athiest Mom: Why I’m Raising My Kids Without God

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

A recent article on CNN from atheist blogger, Deborah Mitchell, claimed that raising children without God is better than raising children with God. Mrs. Mitchell lists seven reasons why she raises her children not to believe in God. These reasons are:

 

 

•              God is a bad parent and role model

•              God is not logical

•              God is not fair

•              God does not protect the innocent

•              God is not present

•              God does not teach children to be good

•              God teaches narcissism

 

I’d like to briefly address each one of these objections to God’s existence (or character). Keep in mind, however, that though I will present biblical answers to these challenges, many readers will likely not like the answers. In every question we have about God, in every challenge we have about him, we must remember that God is sovereign. He does what he wishes, when he wishes, for his own purposes, and he is not obligated to give us the feel-good answers we seek. We, however, are obligated to accept God’s answers since we are the creature, not the Creator, and we are all accountable to him for what we think, feel, say, and do. God is not accountable to us or to our ideas of right, wrong, or fairness. We are accountable to him.

 

God Is A Bad Parent And Role Model

 

Mrs. Mitchell states, “If God is our father, then he is not a good parent.” Mitchell’s first mistake, which carries through to the rest of her article, is the assumption that God is everyone’s father. But the Bible, which she criticizes, does not tell us God is everyone’s father. Relationally speaking, he is only the father of those who have been adopted into his family through Christ (Romans 8:15). Anyone who does not have Christ does not have the Father and therefore is not God’s child in special relationship to him (I John 2:23).

 

She goes on to stay, “Good people don’t stand by and watch horrible acts committed against innocent men, women and children.” I would tend to agree with Mrs. Mitchell on this point if it refers to humanity. But the scripture actually recognizes that we are not good (Luke 18:19). In fact, the scripture condemns us for not doing good when it is in our power to help someone (Deuteronomy 15:7; I John 3:17; James 2:15-16).

 

Even though the scripture requires us to act, God is not obligated to intervene supernaturally on behalf of anyone. This is because God cannot be obligated by us. He is God, we are not. Secondly, Mrs. Mitchell conveniently forgets that God has already acted when it comes to worldly injustices. He has done this in two ways: First, God gave us a law in Exodus through Deuteronomy that specifically tells us what to do when evil is committed against others. We are to act. It is our responsibility to act, not God’s. We are made in his image and it is we who have been charged by God with the care of the world and society (Genesis 1:28). Man’s failure to act does not oblige God to make up for man’s rebellion and sin.

 

Second, God did act to begin the process of correcting the injustices of the world. His second chosen action was to send Jesus who modeled life for us, then paid for our sin (all manner of moral injustices) so that we could be forgiven and begin the process of changing our lives to become more of the person God intends for us to be. Our most critical need is to deal with the sin issue that we all face, through which we all commit various kinds of injustices. The Law of Moses did this, partially, but the sacrifice of Jesus was necessary to deal with the issue more fully.

 

Though many injustices seem to be unanswered now, this does not mean that God is not going to correct those injustices in the future. The Christian lives in hope that at the end of days God will, to put it in an oversimplified manner, even the score. The scripture recognizes this delayed justice. “Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land. Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more” (Psalm 37:7-10). 

 

God is not on our timetable when it comes to righting the world’s wrongs.

 

God Is Not Logical

 

Ironically, I agree with Mrs. Mitchell’s point about man’s responsibility to address evil. She says, “If there is a good, all-knowing, all-powerful God who loves his children, does it make sense that he would allow murders, child abuse, wars, brutal beatings, torture and millions of heinous acts to be committed throughout the history of mankind?…The question we should be asking is this: ‘Why did we allow this to happen?’ How can we fix this?”

 

I agree with her that it is man’s responsibility to address these issues. However, just because evil exists it does not automatically follow that a good God therefore does not exist. All of us are evil. In fact, we are evil to the core though we have some ability to do good things (Matthew 19:17). The Bible tells us how evil we are (Jeremiah 17:9). Mrs. Mitchell’s statement that a good God cannot exist if evil exists is not logical. Mrs. Mitchell is evil. I am evil. Everyone is evil. But we have the capacity to do good things (Matthew 7:11).

 

God Is Not Fair

 

Mrs. Mitchell asks, “If God is fair, then why does he answer the silly prayers of some while allowing other, serious requests, to go unanswered?… If God is fair, then why are some babies born with heart defects, autism, missing limbs or conjoined to another baby?” These are issues that man has struggled with for all time. For centuries Christians have tried to answer this issue to the satisfaction of the unbeliever, hoping that person will see reason and come to Christ. But there is one problem with this approach that is undeniable.

 

Life is not fair. God never promised life would be fair. God is not obligated to act according to our definition of fairness. The Apostle Paul addresses this in Roman’s 9:20-21, “Who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, ‘Why did you make me like this,’ will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?”

 

God told Job something similar when Job sought to justify himself before God. In Job 38 God essentially says to Job, “Who do you think you are?”

 

This is not an answer that we like. Tough. That’s just the way it is. God is not obligated by us to say or do anything for any reason. We may think this is unfair, but none of us have the long view of history or humanity that God has. He knows our beginnings and our endings. To those who love him there awaits a great reward of seeing him and serving him forever. But to those who reject him, he will also reject. Why is it that we think God is obligated to right all our wrongs right now when we spit in his face? Clearly, God is not unfair. We are the ones who look at God and want to put unfair conditions upon him.

 

God Does Not Protect The Innocent

 

Mrs. Mitchell asks, “Why can’t God, with all his powers of omnipotence, protect the innocent?” She makes a leap in judgment by connecting the suffering of people with an inability to act on God’s part. But God has acted, as stated earlier. He acted through Law, giving us responsibility over the injustices in the world. “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8). 

 

He Is Not Present

 

This, of course, is Mrs. Mitchell’s assumption throughout her article. If God does not do what we want him to do then, she reasons, God does not exist. This is foolish. A person born out of wedlock who never meets his father cannot reason that his father does not exist because he did not have his presence. So too, the unbeliever who rejects God because he doesn’t feel his presence assumes too much. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). Only those who know God through Christ can know his abiding presence. 

 

God Does Not Teach Children to Be Good

 

Mrs. Mitchell states, “A child should make moral choices for the right reasons. Telling him that he must behave because God is watching means that his morality will be externally focused rather than internally structured.” Mrs. Mitchell cannot have it both ways. First she asserts that God is not present, then she criticizes the notion that an external God urging good behavior is a wrong way to teach good morals. But as we’ve already seen, man’s heart is wicked (Jeremiah 17:1). Goodness, therefore, does not come from within, it comes from without. We have the capacity to do good, but we cannot conquer our own evil apart from Christ. Only the indwelling Holy Spirit can work out a new morality from within. God promised this in Jeremiah 31:33, “I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”

 

Mrs. Mitchell’s logic is also flawed in this claim. All good that we learn is learned from outside us. We learn if from our parents. We learn it from our teachers and peers. We learn it from the laws in our society. We learn it from philosophy. Her claims in this regard hold no water.

 

God Teaches Narcissism

 

Here Mrs. Mitchell claims, “Telling kids there is a big guy in the sky who has a special path for them makes children narcissistic.” On the contrary, telling children that they are specially created by God to be like him inculcates the idea of responsibility, something to measure up to, a standard to be realized. God says in Leviticus 11:44, “Be holy because I am holy.” That is not narcissism, that is a higher purpose to achieve.

 

Jesus said, “You are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). This is not narcissism, this is a recognition that we have something to live up to. But all of this is to be done with an attitude of humility. “I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment” (Romans 12:3). The Apostle Paul also says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 4:3-4). This is not narcissism by any definition.

 

Conclusion

 

There are lots of people who have raised their kids without God and raised respectable kids. But, without Jesus those same kids hold no hope of eternal life without their sins forgiven. So too, there are plenty of Christian parents who try and raise their kids in church and reading the scripture and to have a spiritual view of life—and their kids sometimes turn out rotten.

 

There is no guarantee, either way, about the outcome of our kids lives. But to purposefully and intentionally oppose a loving God’s influence on your family is a different matter altogether. One can hope and pray for Mrs. Mitchell’s kids, because from time to time a miraculous change of heart can happen. 

 

 

 

 

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Do You Have Spiritual Discernment?

by Francis Frangipane
written by Francis Frangipane

If we will move in true discernment, our view of life must be purged of human thoughts and reactions. We must perceive life through the eyes of Christ.

 

To Discern, You Cannot Judge
We will never possess true discernment until we crucify our instincts to judge. Realistically, this can take months or even years of uprooting old thought-systems that have not been planted in the divine soil of faith and love for people. To appropriate the discernment that is in the “mind of Christ” (1 Cor. 2:16), we must first find the heart of Christ. The heart and love of Jesus is summed up in His own words: “I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world” (John 12:47).

Spiritual discernment is the grace to see into the unseen. It is a gift of the Spirit to perceive the realm of the spirit. Its purpose is to understand the nature of that which is veiled. However, the first veil that must be removed is the veil over our own hearts. For the capacity to see into that which is in another’s heart comes from Christ revealing that which is in our own hearts. Before He reveals the sin of another, Jesus demands we grasp our own deep need of His mercy. Thus, out of the grace that we have received, we can compassionately minister grace to others. We will know thoroughly that the true gift of discernment is not a faculty of our minds.

Christ’s goal is to save, not judge. We are called to navigate the narrow and well-hidden path into the true nature of men’s needs. If we would truly help men, we must remember, we are following a Lamb.

This foundation must be laid correctly, for in order to discern, you cannot react. To perceive, you must make yourself blind to what seems apparent. People may react to you, but you cannot react to them. You must always remain forgiving in nature, for the demons you cast out will challenge you, masquerading as the very voice of the person you seek to deliver. You must discern the difference between the oppressing spirit and the person oppressed.

Thus, Jesus prepared His disciples to be proactive in their forgiveness. Using Himself as their example, He taught, “Everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him” (Luke 12:10). Jesus prepared His heart to forgive men before they ever sinned against Him. He knew His mission was to die for men, not condemn them.

Likewise, we are called to His mission as well. In His prayer to the Father, Jesus said, “As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them” (John 17:18). We are called to die that others may live. Therefore, we must realize that before our perception develops, our love must mature until our normal attitude is one of forgiveness. Should God reveal to us the hearts of men and then call us to release them from captivity, we cannot react to what they say. As our perception becomes more like Christ Himself and the secrets of men’s hearts are revealed to us, we cannot even react to what they think.

If we do not move in divine forgiveness, we will walk in much deception. We will presume we have discernment when, in truth, we are seeing through the veil of a critical spirit. We must know our weaknesses, for if we are blind to our sins, what we assume we discern in men will merely be the reflection of ourselves. Indeed, if we do not move in love, we will actually become a menace to the body of Christ.

This is exactly what Jesus taught when He said:

Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. —Matthew 7:1-5

Repentance is the removal of the “logs” within our vision; it is the true beginning of seeing clearly. There are many who suppose they are receiving the Lord’s discernment concerning one thing or another. Perhaps in some things they are; only God knows. But many are simply judging others and calling it discernment. Jesus commanded us to judge not. The same eternal hand that wrote the Law on stones in the old covenant is writing the law of the kingdom on tablets of flesh today. This word to “not judge” (by “outer appearance”) is just as immutable as His Ten Commandments. It is still God speaking.

The Goal is To See Clearly
The judgmental carnal mind always sees the image of itself in others. Without realizing it is seeing itself, it assumes it is perceiving others. Jesus refers to the person who judges as a “hypocrite.” The Lord is not saying we should totally stop thinking about people. He wants us to be able to help one another. The emphasis in Jesus’ command to “not judge” is summarized in His concluding remark: “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” The way we help is not by judging but by seeing clearly. And we do not see clearly until we have been through deep and thorough repentance, until the instinct to judge after the flesh is uprooted.

We have seen that Jesus paralleled speaking to people about their sins with taking specks out of their eyes. The eye is the most tender, most sensitive part of the human body. How do you take a speck out of someone’s eye? Very carefully! First, you must win their trust. This means consistently demonstrating an attitude that does not judge, one that will not instinctively condemn. To help others, we must see clearly.

If you seek to have a heart that does not condemn, you must truly crucify your instinct to judge. Then you will have laid a true foundation for the gift of discernment, for you will have prepared your heart to receive the dreams, visions and insights from God. You will be unstained by human bias and corruption.

The preceding message is adapted from a chapter in Francis’ best selling book, The Three Battlegrounds – on sale this week at www.arrowbookstore.com.

 

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10 Reasons Why It’s Wrong to Kill an Unborn Child

by John Piper
written by John Piper

This is not a defense of the humanity of the unborn. It is an argument that if the unborn are human they ought not to be aborted. There are some abortionists who believe that the unborn are human beings. But these doctors do abortions regularly anyway because they believe that taking innocent human life, while tragic, is justifiable in view of the difficult circumstances faced by mother and child. Some of these doctors want to be Christian and Biblical, and do not see their practice as wrong. I have written this brief paper to encourage these doctors to reconsider.

 

1. God commanded, “Thou shalt not murder” (Exodus 20:13).

 

I am aware that some killing is endorsed in the Bible. The word for “kill” in Exodus 20:13 is the Hebrew rahaz. It is used 43 times in the Hebrew Old Testament. It always means violent, personal killing that is actually murder or is accused as murder. It is never used of killing in war or (with one possible exception, Numbers 35:27) of killing in judicial execution. Rather a clear distinction is preserved between legal “putting to death” and illegal “murder”. For example, Numbers 35:19 says, “The murderer shall certainly be put to death.” The word “murderer” comes from rahaz which is forbidden in the Ten Commandments. The word “put to death” is a general word that can describe legal executions.

When the Bible speaks of killing that is justifiable it generally has in mind God’s sharing some of his rights with the civil authority. When the state acts in its capacity as God’s ordained preserver of justice and peace, it has the right to “bear the sword” as Romans 13:1-7 teaches. This right of the state is always to be exercised to punish evil, never to attack the innocent (Romans 13:4).

Therefore, “Thou shalt not kill,” stands as a clear and resounding indictment of the killing of innocent unborn children.

2. The destruction of conceived human life — whether embryonic, fetal, or viable — is an assault on the unique person-forming work of God.

 

Can we say anything from Scripture about what is happening when a life in the womb is aborted? Consider two texts. Psalm 139:13 says, “Thou didst form my inward parts, Thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

The least we can draw out of this text is that the formation of the life of a person in the womb is the work of God. God is the “Thou” in this verse. Further we can say that the formation of life in the womb is not merely a mechanical process, but is something on the analogy of weaving or knitting: “Thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” The life of the unborn is the knitting of God, and what he is knitting is a human being in his own image, unlike any other creature in the universe.

The other, less well-known, text is in the book of Job. Job is protesting that he has not rejected the plea of any of his servants, even though in that culture many people thought that servants were non-persons and only property. The thing to watch for here is how Job argues.

Job 31:13-15 says, “13) If I have rejected the cause of my manservant or my maidservant, when they brought a complaint against me, 14) what then shall I do when God rises up? When he makes inquiry, what shall I answer him? 15) Did not he who made me in the womb make him? And did not One fashion us in the womb?”

Verse 15 gives the reason why Job would be guilty if he treated his servant as less than a human equal. The issue isn’t really that one may have been born free and the other born in slavery. The issue goes back before birth. When Job and his servants were being fashioned in the womb the key person at work was God. That’s the premise of Job’s argument.

So both Psalm 139 and Job 31 emphasize God as the primary Workman — Nurturer, Fashioner, Knitter, Creator — in the process of gestation. Why is that important? It’s important because God is the only One who can create personhood. Mothers and fathers can contribute some impersonal egg and some impersonal sperm, but only God creates independent personhood. So when the Scripture emphasizes that God is the main Nurturer and Shaper in the womb, it is stressing that what is happening in the womb is the unique work of God, namely, the making of a person. From the Biblical point of view gestation is the unique work of God fashioning personhood.

We can argue, I say, endlessly over what “full” personhood is. But this we can say, I think, with great confidence: what is happening in the womb is a unique person-forming work of God, and only God knows how deeply and mysteriously the creation of personhood is woven into the making of a body. Therefore it is arbitrary and unwarranted to assume that at any point in the knitting together of this person, its destruction is not an assault on the prerogatives of God the Creator.

To put it positively: the destruction of conceived human life — whether embryonic, fetal, or viable — is an assault on the unique person-forming work of God. Abortion is an assault on God, not just man. God is uniquely at work in the womb from the moment of conception. This is the clear testimony of Psalm 139:13 and Job 31:15.

3. Aborting unborn humans falls under the repeated Biblical ban against “shedding innocent blood.”

 

The phrase “innocent blood” occurs about 20 times in the Bible. The context is always one of condemning those who shed this blood or warning people not to shed it. Innocent blood includes the blood of children (Psalm 106:38). Jeremiah puts it in a context with refugees and widows and orphans: “Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place.” Surely the blood of the unborn is as innocent as any blood that flows in the world.

4. The Bible frequently expresses the high priority God puts on the protection and provision and vindication of the weakest and most helpless and most victimized members of the community.

 

Again and again we read of the sojourner and the widow and the orphan. These are the special care of God and should be the special care of his people.

“You shall not wrong a stranger or oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. (And you were all once babes in the womb!) You shall not afflict any widow or orphan. If you do afflict them, and they cry out to me, (like the blood of Abel cried our to God from the ground, Genesis 4:10) I will surely hear their cry; and my wrath will burnÿ.ÿ.ÿ.” (Exodus 22:21-24).

“Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in His holy habitation” (Psalm 68:5).

“Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:3-4).

“They slay the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless; and say, ‘The Lord does not see; the God of Jacob does not perceive.’ÿ.ÿ.ÿ.ÿBut the Lord will wipe them out for their wickedness” (Psalm 94:6,23).

5. By judging difficult and even tragic human life as a worse evil than taking life, abortionists contradict the widespread Biblical teaching that God loves to show his gracious power through suffering and not just by helping people avoid suffering.

 

This does not mean we should seek suffering for ourselves or for others. But it does mean that suffering is generally portrayed in the Bible as the necessary and God-ordained, though not God-pleasing, plight of this fallen world (Romans 8:20-25, Ezekiel 18:32), and especially the necessary portion of all who would enter the kingdom (Acts 14:22; 1 Thessalonians 3:3-4) and live lives of godliness (2 Timothy 3:12). This suffering is never viewed merely as a tragedy. It is also viewed as a means of growing deep with God and becoming strong in this life (Romans 5:3-5; James 1:3-4; Hebrews 12:3-11; 2 Corinthians 1:9; 4:7-12; 12:7-10) and becoming something glorious in the life to come (2 Corinthians 4:17; Romans 8:18).

When abortionists reason that taking life is less evil than the difficulties that will accompany life, they are making themselves wiser than God who teaches us that his grace is capable of stupendous feats of love through the suffering of those who live.

6. It is a sin of presumption to justify abortion by taking comfort in the fact that all these little children will go to heaven or even be given full adult life in the resurrection.

 

This is a wonderful hope when the heart is broken with penitence and seeking forgiveness. But it is evil to justify killing by the happy outcome of eternity for the one killed. This same justification could be used to justify killing one-year olds, or any heaven-bound believer for that matter. The Bible asks the question: “Shall we sin that grace may abound?” (Romans 6:1) And: “Shall we do evil that good may come?” (Romans 3:8). In both cases the answer is a resounding NO. It is presumption to step into God’s place and try to make the assignments to heaven or to hell. Our duty is to obey God, not to play God.

7. The Bible commands us to rescue our neighbor who is being unjustly led away to death.

 

“Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, ‘We did not know this,’ does not He who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not He who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will He not requite man according to his work?”

There is no significant scientific, medical, social, moral or religious reason for putting the unborn in a class where this text does not apply to them. It is disobedience to this text to abort unborn children.

8. Aborting unborn children falls under Jesus’ rebuke of those who spurned children as inconvenient and unworthy of the Savior’s attention.

 

“Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them; and when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, ‘Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of God'” (Luke 18:15-16). The word for “infant” in Luke 18:15 is the same word Luke uses for the unborn infant in Elizabeth’s womb in Luke 1:41,44.

“And Jesus took a child, and put him in the midst of them; and taking him in his arms, he said to them, ‘Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me'” (Mark 9:36-37).

9. It is the right of God the Maker to give and to take human life. It is not our individual right to make this choice.

 

When Job heard that his children had all been killed in a collapsing house, he bowed to worship the Lord and said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).

When Job spoke of coming from his mother’s womb, he said, “The Lord gave.” And when Job spoke of dying, he said, “The Lord has taken away.” Birth and death are the prerogatives of God. He is Giver and Taker in this awesome affair of life. We have no right to make individual choices about this matter. Our duty is to care for what He gives and use it to His glory.

 

10. Finally, saving faith in Jesus Christ brings forgiveness of sins and cleansing of conscience and help through life and hope for eternity. Surrounded by such omnipotent love, every follower of Jesus is free from the greed and fear that might lure a person to forsake these truths in order to gain money or avoid reproach.

By John Piper. ©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org. Used by permission.

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Here Are 7 Temptations that Leaders Face

by demo
written by demo

Leading is a difficult task whether you are in the secular world or in church. Leaders must stay sharp if they want to be faithful to the task God has laid before them. Here are just a few “hooks” that can hinder leaders.

#1 – Wasting Time – We live in a world where it is easier to waste time than it ever has been before.  Comment wars on blogs, tweeting arguments, browsing through random facebook pages and numerous other things can absolutely distract us from what we were put on this planet to do.  (BTW…I don’t think the world will EVER be changed because of the comment section on a blog!!!)

#2 – Cruise Control – Leadership is exhausting, and so we must constantly battle the desire to just allow things to be the way they are.  This mentality will put us on course towards an iceberg that will sink even the largest ship!  (”I won’t ever let go Jack!”)

#3 – Excuse Making – When a problem/difficult situation arises we can either deal with it or simply excuse it away.  And people who make excuses rarely make a difference because they are way more obsessed with doing what is easy rather than doing what is right.

#4 – Being Passive – This is a cousin of #3, but passivity has no place in leadership.  Ignoring a problem does not make it go away; in fact, it often makes is become larger and, in many cases, overwhelming.  If a problem comes to your attention DEAL WITH IT, don’t deny it.  God brought it to your attention because you are the leader and you are the one called to make the tough decision.

#5 – Copying – We should NEVER be ashamed of borrowing ideas from others!  I honestly feel that there really aren’t any original ideas on the planet…and even if the idea is “original” that person was given the idea from the Holy Spirit…so it actually isn’t original in the first place.  However, when we build a ministry based on the imitation of others rather than revelation from God we do so out of laziness…and God NEVER honors laziness.

#6 – Meaningless Fights – Someone IS going to attack your church/ministry…and one of the easiest ways to get sidetracked is to begin to fight with people who don’t know you, care about you or care about your church.

#7 – Playing It Safe – When a leader stops taking risks because there is too much to lose…he is closer to losing everything than he actually realizes.  We don’t follow a Savior who played it safe, if He said “take up your cross and follow me” then we need to understand that sacrifice and risk WILL be involved if we want to go where He is leading.

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Ask Roger

Is Hospice Care Mercy-Killing?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

I’ve read that the hospice movement began with Kevorkian and continues to be assisted suicide by morphine, etc.. It seems to me that the drugs used to put hospice patients into a coma and dehydrates them are the main tools of assisted suicide under the guise of “comfort”. I wonder what your take is on this issue, Roger?

 

Dear S,

My dad died under hospice care—it was one of the best decisions our family ever made.

I remember flying to Dallas on Monday. After dinner dad was being his usual old-positive self as he talked about his exercises and how he was soon going to be back up on his treadmill. Then he turned to me and asked, “Isn’t it a little unusual for you to come to Dallas on a Monday.”

“I just came for a visit.”

“That’s not why you’re here, is it?” I realize now, years later, that he knew exactly why I had come.

“No. Not really. Mom can’t care for you much longer here at home. I came over to help us find a nursing home.”

“Oh”, he said reflectively—and mostly under his breath.

Several months earlier his doctor had told him that there were no more treatments to try for his lymphoma. “Well, I guess this is it,” he said quietly. Then, he quoted once more his favorite Bible verse: “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.” I rolled him out to his wheel chair and we drove home.

Three months had passed since those gut-wrenching moments. Now it was time to die. We never made it to the nursing home. Tuesday morning he took a turn for the worse. No nursing home now. It was like he gave up all desire to live. We realized later that he would rather go on to glory than to be in a nursing home. It is lonely there.

The hospice nurse arrived on Tuesday afternoon. We discussed the details and implications of allowing him to die at peace at home with his family instead of in the hospital most probably with tubes and hoses entering and exiting his body

The nurse showed us how to use glycerin to keep his mouth and lips from drying out. Fortunately, he was suffering no pain so there was no need for morphine and/or anti-pain killers.

We talked and shared some special moments on Wednesday. Early that evening he stopped talking and quietly closed his eyes. His breathing dissipated through the evening. About 5:00 a.m. Thursday morning Jesus came and took him to his new home in Heaven. It is not lonely there.

My brother Ronnie and I carried him out of the house and into the mortuary hearse which took his body away.

I can’t tell you how nice it was to spend those final days with him at home. I am forever grateful that he could die at home instead of in a strange room filled with strange people with a breathing mask of some kind in an attempt to gain him just a few more short-days alive.

I am a believer in hospice care.

Hospice is a philosophy of care that focuses on relieving and preventing the suffering of those patients who are nearing death. These symptoms can be physical, emotional, spiritual or social in nature.

Palliative care, unlike regular hospice care, is a specialized type of healthcare which includes all who are terminally ill. Palliative care may be seen as an expanded sphere of hospice which includes patients in all stages of disease, including those undergoing treatment for curable illnesses, those living with chronic diseases, as well as patients who are nearing the end of their lives.

The first hospices are believed to have originated around 1065 during the Crusades. Those wounded and unable to travel were taken to dedicated locals to treat those wounded in battle. The movement has continued in a variety of forms to this very day.

Now, S, let’s get to your questions and straighten out some unfortunate misconceptions . You wrote:

I’ve read that the hospice movement began with Kevorkian and continues to be assisted suicide by morphine, etc.. It seems to me that the drugs used to put hospice patients into a coma and dehydrates them are the main tools of assisted suicide under the guise of “comfort”.

The hospice movement was solidly in place and operating long before Kevorkian came on the scene.

Hospice care often includes the administration of morphine and other pain relieving drugs in order to mitigate suffering and to make dying patients as comfortable as possible. Drugs are never used to induce death. If they are, a crime has been committed.

Drugs are not utilized to put hospice patients into comas nor to dehydrate patients in order to expedite death. What hospice care does is to allow patients to die as comfortably as possible. In my mind there comes a time when a patient can no longer drink. Pouring in IVs to keep them hydrated is an artificial elongation of the natural life span. There comes a time to die. To extend life artificially may make a person late for his/her appointed time to come into God’s presence in Heaven.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:13-16).

I don’t want to miss my appointed day to meet Jesus in Heaven. I have a living will that declares my intention to not have extra heroic efforts to keep me alive after my time has come to die. I hope that I get to die at home on the very day God has planned for me to go off to Heaven. I have an appointment with Jesus and I don’t want to be late.

By the way, euthanasia and suicide end life before it’s time. I also don’t’ want to go early into God’s presence and hear Him say, “What are you doing here? Why are you early? I am not ready for you yet!”

By the way euthanasia will become more of an issue I our country as our economy is unable to keep up with the needs of all the people. Cries for rationed healthcare are increasing. I am not surprised! We have more people than we have money. Where do we draw the line?

Denmark is working on a plan to give no more health care to seniors over a certain age. After all, they reason (not unreasonably so) that the older ones have had their turn at life. Now the money needs to go to help the younger ones who haven’t lived so long.

A physician friend recently told me that one-half of all Medicare expenses occur during the last month of peoples’ lives. If we could just get all the seniors to die one month earlier we could save million of Medicare dollars!

Dealing compassionately with the dying is and has been a problem in every culture. For most cultures throughout the centuries the practice was to set people aside when they can no longer produce and thus become a threat to the viability of the others. It was time to withdraw care. Many Native Americans tribes simply put their old and dying under a trees, packed up the tepees and moved on. Some Eskimo cultures once put their unproductive ones on ice floes and sailed them off to eternity. Most hunter-gatherer societies abandoned their elderly to the elements. The margin of survival for the others was infinitesimal.

So, we do the best we can. Sometimes we forget that most people in the world have no access to health care whatsoever. They die at home without health care and medicine because there is no where else for them to go.

I like our hospice care system much better than those others.

Well, S, thank you for asking. The whole hospice question stares many Boomers in the eyes. Adult children are returning home just as mom and dad need more health care than ever before. Hospice care is a helpful tool that can potentially offer succor and aid to many in today’s sandwich generation.

 

Thanks again, S. God bless you.

 

Love, Roger

 

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A Missionary’s Most Difficult Task: Leaving Children Behind

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

I’ll never forget the day my friend Karl called to tell me he was leaving Mongolia, never to return. We were planning to work on a ministry project together. Then, it seemed out of the blue, he decided to leave. When I asked him why, he said, “We really miss our kids.” Karl had a thriving ministry, spoke the language well, and understood the culture. But being separated from his grown children was too much to take so he decided it was best to leave his ministry and return to the States. Karl was trying to balance his choices between his ministry and his kids, and the kids won. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but his choice ended up closing down his ministry.

 

Every parent faces the prospect of losing their children as they grow into adulthood. But most parents are comforted by the fact that if there is a problem they can drive down the road, or to the next state, or catch a quick flight to be with his or her child. Just a century ago this was not possible. When parents released their children they knew that they might not see them for many years, and in some cases with children going abroad, they might not see them ever again.

Thankfully the modern world has made that situation (for most westerners) null and void. But there is a group that suffers this kind of separation anxiety more than the average westerner—missionaries.

I’ve lived in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for nearly nine years. My daughters grew up here. I decided early on that when it would come time to release my children I would focus on my ministry. I would let my work distract my grief. That didn’t work out so well.

I knew that I would have a struggle with releasing my kids, so deciding in advance, I thought, would help ease the pain. But as I delivered my oldest daughter to the airport in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia the weight of what I was doing hit me hard. I held it together until I returned home without her—and wailed like an old woman.

I have three daughters. One is in Arizona attending college. We get to see her about once a year. I miss her, but I don’t feel it often because we get to see her from time to time.

My youngest daughter is still with us. She has less than a year then she will also leave for the States. We’ve become very close, very close. I’m dreading departure day.

My second daughter is married and living in Okinawa, Japan with her husband, a military policeman with the Air Force. My second daughter and I were close when she was growing up. Life, as it’s worked out so far, has not let me go see her yet, or for her to come see me. It’s been nearly three years since I’ve seen her. I miss her terribly.

Over my years of missionary service I’ve watched as parents let their kids go. Sometimes they return home with them to help them get settled. Some parents do as I did with my first daughter and wave goodbye as the plane takes off, knowing that they’ve got someone to help their child when he or she arrives. Some missionaries let their kids go early by sending them to boarding school. Thus, when it comes time to release them into adulthood they find the experience less painful.

There’s no one-way of doing it right when it comes to releasing your kids. Life’s situations require different approaches. However, I’ve learned through my experience thus far that there are five things missionary parents need to know in advance of releasing their children. After all, releasing our kids is a bit different from releasing them if we lived in the same country. In most cases we are sending our kids away halfway around the world. If something goes wrong we may jump the next flight home—but depending upon which country you live in it could take days to get a flight (and considerable expense).

Here are four things I’ve learned from watching others and my own experiences. If you are a missionary, or considering releasing your children to live in another country, these five points may help you prepare for the experience.

·               Decide in advance not to sacrifice your ministry

Your ministry is a calling just as parenthood is a calling. Just because our kids leave the nest doesn’t mean we should abandon it either. Does that sound heartless? If you lived in America and were releasing your kids to school in another state would you quit your job and follow your child? Of course not. Why is it that we missionaries sometime entertain leaving our host country when our kids go off to school or to whatever life has for them?

Separation anxiety is a powerful thing. Some missionaries find it more difficult to let their kids go than to continue living in a foreign culture and the many stresses that brings. My friend Karl decided to discontinue his ministry while it was thriving. He could have had many years of fruitful ministry, but the separation was too much for him to bear.

Plan in advance on how you will release your children. Prepare yourself well in advance. It may be that releasing your children is the natural time to consider leaving your ministry either by furlough or permanently. If you plan in advance what you will do your ministry can thrive through others you can train up to replace you. But waiting until the experience actually happens can present choices that are more difficult to make than they might be otherwise.

·               Decide in advance not to sacrifice your kids

One of my daughters had a serious health issue after she left Mongolia. I had already been suffering with feelings of abandonment. My separation anxiety told me the lie that I had abandoned my daughter to the world, all alone. However, I hadn’t fully considered, in advance, what I would do or how far I would have to go to help my kids after they were gone. As parents there are times when we know our kids must endure their trials without us. And there are times when their need for us must take precedence. Decide in advance what kinds of experiences require you to drop everything and be with them. Discuss it with your kids before they leave. It will give them assurance that you are not abandoning them, but also reaffirm that there are some things they must learn alone—just between them and Christ.

·               Don’t be afraid for them, instead, pray for them

When your kids are 8,000 miles away it’s hard not to worry about them. This is especially true with third culture kids. Third culture kids are those who grow up in a foreign country then return to their home country feeling more akin to their host culture than their home culture. What kinds of decisions will our kids make? What happens if they have an accident? What if there are medical problems? Worry is a natural part of separation anxiety, but we don’t need to worry.

When we began releasing our kids to the States we wanted the benefit of putting them someplace where we had friends or family that could help them from time to time. Doing so helped ease some of our fears. But the most effective thing we can do to ease our worries is to pray. Praying for them will help them, but most importantly it will also ease our worries.

And what should you pray for? Most importantly, pray for their character, their spiritual growth. This is my chief prayer for my kids. Schools, jobs, and careers may change. Our kids may choose to live somewhere else than where we send them. Friends will come and friends will go. All is transient. But if we focus on their maturity then they will be able to handle anything that comes their way. Even if they fail, they will still learn from the experience and move forward. I believe there is no more important prayer to pray for our kids than to pray daily for their spiritual maturity and trust in Christ. We should do like Job, who offered sacrifices for his children even long after they had grown up (Job 1:5).

·               Support them, even when they blow it

From time to time my kids have made some not-so-good decisions. That’s okay. When I was their age I made far bigger mistakes. Whatever you do, don’t do the “I told you so,” thing with your kids. It’s one thing to show disapproval when your kids are living at home. But it’s another thing when they are separated from you by thousands of miles. Your kids will, at times, feel more alone than you do. So, even when they make bad decisions try to find a way to give them moral support. Even if sin is involved, yes, you must address the issue of sin, but we do so, so that we can find ways of supporting them, not breaking them down or punishing them. When your adult child blows it and senses disapproval from you, you can bet he or she will feel even more alone. Avoid that. Remember Colossians 3:21 applies even after your kids leave home: “Do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”

·               You’re going to miss them, it will hurt—deal with it

When my oldest daughter left home I didn’t want to be comforted. I wanted to sit alone and experience the grief. It was important to me that I deal with my grief then and there because I knew I would have to deal with it again later. You cannot avoid the grief of separation, but you can manage it. After a time you will get over it, just like most other hurts. Deal with your separation anxiety up front. For me it was helpful to sit alone and think and pray through the issues I faced from being separated from my daughter. But for others it can be more important to talk about it with friends, especially friends who have already gone through the experience you are going through. Allow their shared pain and experience to minister to you (II Corinthians 1:4).

When it comes time to release your children to their own lives you will have some separation anxiety. It’s normal. We all experience it. But the experience doesn’t have to cripple our ministry or drive us from our host country. Instead, we should see this as a path of new opportunities in both our relationship with our kids, our spouse, and for ministry. God can give us fulfillment in all these things.

My kids are doing great. My oldest, unlike her old man, is a straight A college student. My second has grabbed hold of life with her husband and is making many mature decisions. My youngest is getting ready to leave and is making plans for her future. They’ve all experienced some difficult challenges in the process, but they are maturing well. What more could I ask for? As III John 1:4 says, “I have no greater joy than this, to hear that my children walking in the truth.”

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Sermons

Fearless Parenting: Instilling Values in Your Children

by Larry Osborne
written by Larry Osborne

Passing the torch is part of a parent’s job description. Many things are better “caught” than “taught.” Strong marriages teach your children how to love and feel secure. When parents express genuine interest in the world of their children by identifying their unique interests, gifts and abilities, they prepare their offspring for life.

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Articles

Releasing the Bonds of Bitterness

by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth
written by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

Have you ever found yourself making (or thinking) any of the following statements? As you work through this exercise, consider how God may want to adjust your thinking as it relates to the issue of forgiveness.

1. “There’s no unforgiveness in my heart.”

Do you still feel angry at the person who hurt you? Do you have a secret desire to see them pay for what they did to you? Do you find yourself telling others how they hurt you?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, it’s an indication you have not fully forgiven one or more people who have sinned against you.

2. “There’s no way I could ever forgive [person] for [offense]. He (she) hurt me too deeply.”

How has God dealt with us who have sinned against Him so greatly? (See Ephesians 2:4–5; Isaiah 43:25; Hebrews 10:17; Micah 7:18–19.)

How does the New Testament command us to respond to those who wrong us? (See Luke 6:27; Luke 17:3–4; Romans 12:17–21.)

3. “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

What did we do to earn or deserve God’s forgiveness? (See Romans 5:8; Ephesians 2:4–9).

4. “If I forgive them, they’re off the hook!”

Letting the offender off your hook does not mean they are off God’s hook. Forgiveness involves transferring the prisoner over to the One who is responsible for meting out justice. It relieves us of the burden and responsibility to hold them in prison ourselves. 

5. “I’ve forgiven them, but I’ll never be able to forget what they did to me.”  

When God forgives us, what does He promise to do? (See Jeremiah 31:34; Hebrews 10:17; Psalm 103:12.) 

God does not ask us to forget the wrong that has been done to us, but simply to forgive. However, the attitude of our heart, when we think of the offense, can be an indicator of whether or not we have truly forgiven. 

6. “I believe I have forgiven, but I still struggle with feelings of hurt.”

What must we be willing to do in addition to forgiving those who sin against us? (See Luke 6:27–31; Romans 12:17–21.) 

The act of forgiveness is only the starting place for dealing with those who wrong us. It must be followed by a commitment to “return good for evil.” This investment is the key to experiencing emotional healing and wholeness. In situations where it is not possible or appropriate to rebuild the relationship with an individual, we can still invest in their life through prayer. 

7. “I won’t forgive!”  

Ultimately, forgiveness comes down to a choice. It is a choice that God both commands and enables. But some simply refuse to make that choice. 

What can we expect if we refuse to forgive those who sin against us? (See Matthew 6:14–15; Matthew 18:32–35; 2 Corinthians 2:10–11). 

Choosing the pathway of forgiveness can be extremely difficult. You may have been sinned against in ways that have caused enormous pain and consequences in your life. Just reading this may be opening up some wounds or memories you’d just as soon not face. Be assured that if you are willing to walk into the pain, God will go there with you. Hard as it may be to forgive those who have sinned against you, you will experience great freedom as you choose to obey God, by His grace. 

© Revive Our Hearts. Used with permission. Adapted from Seeking Him: Experiencing the Joy of Personal Revival by Nancy Leigh DeMoss & Tim Grissom

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Articles

Dysfunctional Family: Exhibit A (Palestine)

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

I believe it was Roger Barrier who I first heard point out that there are basically no functional families in the Bible.  That is absolutely the truth.  And to see how deep the dysfunction can run it only takes a glance at Genesis 29 and 30.  These two chapters tell the story of Jacob’s marriage to Leah and Rachel.  Just look at the dysfunction which abounds:

1)    Laban (Jacob’s uncle) milks Jacob for a month of his service (Gen 29:14, 15).

2)    Laban twists the situation to make himself look generous and puts Jacob in the awkward place of requesting payment (Gen 29:15).

3)    Jacob loves (lusts after?) Rachel because of her physical appearance (Gen 29:17).

4)    Jacob pays a very high dowry (7 years of service) for Rachel (Gen 29:20).

5)    Laban and Leah deceive Jacob by giving Leah to Jacob in marriage (Gen 29:23).

6)    Laban puts Leah in an unfair situation by marrying her to a man who doesn’t love her (Gen 29:23).

7)    By acquiescing to tradition (Gen 29:26) and his greed (wanting Jacob to serve him longer), Laban treats Rachel unfairly by making her wait and by making her share her husband with her sister.

8)    Even after being married to Leah for 7 years, Jacob still shows preferential treatment toward Rachel (Gen 29:30).

9)    Leah’s understanding of love is so distorted she believes that having children will win her Jacob’s love.  In doing this, Leah also shows herself a poor mother – her children are objects she uses to gain the affections of Jacob (Gen 29:32, 34).

10)    Rachel believes her worth is tied to her ability to bear children (Gen 30:1).

11)    Rachel demands that Jacob fix a situation only God can fix (Gen 30:1).

12)    Jacob responds in anger to Rachel and makes a judgment about her only God can make (Gen 30:2).

13)    Jacob commits adultery.  Rachel, then Leah use their servants for their own gain and are complicit in Jacob committing adultery (Gen 30:3-10).

14)    Leah bribes Rachel in order to have sex with Jacob and Jacob is complicit (Gen 30:16).

And it goes on and on.  What an utter mess.  Any dysfunction one could imagine inhabits this family.  And yet somehow it is the sons of these two women and this man who become the twelve tribes of Israel.  It is this family that God so deeply cares for that he has one of the sons sent to Egypt in order to protect them from a famine they never could have predicted and were defenseless against.

Have hope!  I don’t doubt you empathize with all too many of the sin patterns in Jacob’s family.  I don’t doubt that your heart bears the wounds of such patterns and it is all you can do not to pass them on in your own family.  But our God is a choosing God, a God who calls us to be his holy people even out of such circumstances.  Our God is a loving god, a God who loves despite our dysfunction and who is creating a new functional family through the power of the death and resurrection of his own Son.

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Articles

Responding to the Spiritual Beliefs of Seekers

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

Too often as Christians we don’t explore the belief systems of others, and in doing so, fail to understand how they think. When we take a hard look at comparative religion, we know how to pray for others and how to lead them to Christ. We are not “lobbing the gospel ball over the fortress fence.” Instead, we courageously step out of our comfort zones and begin to relate effectively and intelligently with our neighbors.

However, in understanding the beliefs of others, there is a present and future danger that must be addressed in order to stand fast in our faith in the face of syncretism, deception and persecution.

Recently I’ve been enjoying the book, Christianity on the Offense: Responding to the Spiritual Beliefs of Seekers, by Dan Story. It’s always good to learn something about the competition, so to speak, and I occasionally read such books to keep me up to date on worldview issues. The pages I read today, however, got me thinking not about the worldviews of today, but the worldviews of tomorrow—apropos to the change of calendar coming in just hours.

It’s interesting to me to trace how different worldviews like Naturalism, Modernism, Buddhism, and competing religions have all contributed to one another over the centuries. These worldviews often borrow points from one another, specifically the Western worldviews have been borrowing from the Eastern, thus becoming their worldview cousins.

Christianity is different in that when someone tries to integrate other religious philosophies into its framework it becomes something wholly different—something other than orthodox. As one example, we see a lot of this in Mongolia as many young Christians, not fully understanding the unique nature of Christianity, attempt to bring in some of the beliefs and practices of Buddhism and Animism in the name of preserving culture. This practice of syncretism ends up creating something other than a biblically-based Christian expression. It was also strongly condemned by Peter (II Peter 2:17-22) and Jesus (Revelation 2:12-29).

The study of apologetics is always a study of the past, even the recent past. That makes sense. The past is immutable. We can study the history of religious and philosophical thought and the impact on societies to see how those ideas shaped societies. But wouldn’t it be interesting, and perhaps even more advantageous for us to see where these views might lead us to in the future? Let’s approach it this way: Who among Christian leaders of the 17th and 18th century that battled the influence of the enlightenment would have guessed that it would eventually pave the way for Darwinism, Secular Humanism, then a Post-Modernist view? Applying this speculation to today, what kind of worldviews will the Christian Church have to do battle with tomorrow?

When we read the scriptures about the coming End Times we are faced with a stark reality about the future—it may be as equally immutable as the past. Prophetic scripture reveals that things are going to get bad for those with a Christian worldview. Even the most casual read from Matthew 24-25 and the book of Revelation reveal a ballooning anti-Christian fervor. Can we deny that we experience it today from the courtrooms of America to the prisons of China? The Apostle Paul warned Timothy about this very thing, paving the way for us to prepare for battle in the future.

    “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars, seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron…” (I Timothy 4:1-2)

    “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power…evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.” (II Timothy 3:1-5,13).

Just as the past is immutable, so too it may be that the future revealed to us in these and other passages, is equally immutable. God has already revealed to us, in advance, that we will be faced with opposition to the Christian worldview with increasing frequency and fervor. Since the scripture reveals it then we know it will come to pass (Romans 4:17). So how will we deal with this immutable future of trouble? That’s a question we should consider as we enter the last year of this decade.

Paul provided more than a warning of what was to come, he also provided a solution.

    “You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them…you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you wisdom that leads to salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work” (II Timothy 3:14-17).

I love it. When revealing what believers face in a future time Paul simply goes back to the old standards. Like a plaid-suited used car salesman on a cheap TV commercial he shouts, “Yesterday’s technology today!” Except what Paul is selling is the real deal. It’s power is truth. It’s potential unending. It never goes out of style or become irrelevant.

At all times there are always signs before us pointing to what the future may hold. The signs of our recent economic crisis were in place in 90s. So too there are warning signs before the Christian about what to expect in the future. The road we are on is designed to take us to that future. How we will deal with it when we get there should be of great concern along the way. The road may twist and turn but the rules of the road are unchanged.

 

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Sermons

What Am I Doing To Advance My Child’s Relationship With God?

by Jack Schull
written by Jack Schull

The most vital relationship we can help our children develop is with the Lord. As parents, grandparents and other family members, we are called to invest in our children the “training and instruction of the Lord.” We can do this by pointing out God’s handiwork, giving children opportunities to grow and serve and praying earnestly for their protection and spiritual maturity.

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Sermons

Enhancing Parent-Child Relationships

by Jack Schull
written by Jack Schull

The quality of our relationships with our children determines the weight of our influence. Regardless of their ages, we must never lose this influence to nurture and guide them. Children need encouragement, acceptance and time to develop these relationships. In the end, the quality of parental relationships will impact the quality of future relationships.

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Employment Ethics

by Brad Tuttle
written by Brad Tuttle

There is great treasure when we do our jobs as unto God. The book of Proverbs tells us in Pr. 12:24, “The hand of the diligent will rule…” and in Pr. 13:11, “Wealth obtained by fraud dwindles, but the one who gathers by labor increases” and again in Pr. 14:23, “In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” Let me state a couple of quick things about work:

 

  • You are to work in reverence. In this we realize that the ability to work is God-given. It’s the grace of God that gives you the ability to work and make wealth. In other words, your ability to work, make money, and enjoy it is God-given. So work in reverence because it is from God. And reverence should naturally bring an attitude of thanksgiving.

  • When you work you need to work hard. The Apostle Paul teaches us in Colossians 3:23, “And whatever you do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men.” Don’t be lazy or a sluggard as Proverbs calls it. Believers work hard!

  • Work as unto God.Paul wrote to the slaves on the island of Crete in the book of Titus 2:10 to do their work “not pilfering (thieving) but demonstrating good faith (or the ability to be trusted) so that they might adorn the doctrine of God our Savior in all things. The word ‘adorn’ is from a Greek word where we get our word cosmetic or to beautify. In other words, a hard worker beautifies his testimony by his labors.

  • Work as though it was rewarded by God. Work as though you were going to called to account because you will.

  • Work loyally to your boss. Paul said to the Colossians, “Submit to your masters” and then he said, “Not by way of eye service as men pleasers but as slaves of Christ doing the will of God from the heart.” It is no act of great virtue to go behind your bosses back and slander him. Don’t sit around the water fountain and talk about your boss, deal with it appropriately or work loyally.

  • Do your work with excellence. Solomon said in Proverbs 22:29, “See a man skilled in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.” Do your work rightly knowing for whom you do it. Let the glory of God inspire you to excellence! You don’t have to Davinci painting the Sistine Chapel to glorify God in your work. You can glorify God in any job you have simply by doing it faithfully.
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