Sitting on a friend’s porch watching a cloud-lit sunset is hardly the image you may have of how a savage rape occurs. But that’s my story.
As I waited for my friend Sally to return home, a strange man approached me. I said, “I’m sorry, Sally and her Mom are not home right now.” Immediately the rapist put a gun to my head, brutally dragged me by the arm into the alley and violated me. The shock, fear and pain was so incredible that it seemed surreal. I’m grateful I didn’t remember the details of the attack. Most of it was a blur. I only recall pleading with him not to shoot me because of my children. Left shaking and alone in the alley, police found my limp body lying in a heap and rushed me to the hospital. Endless questioning and medical examinations were terrifying and unnerving. I was humiliated and traumatized all at the same time.
I suppressed the terrible nightmare for twenty years, burying it away in my subconscious. I never told anyone. Finally, my past caught up with me. I received a subpoena asking me to appear for my rapist’s parole. The ugly truth finally surfaced. I refused at first, but then had to face the crime. My husband and I had never discussed the incident before. I told my shocked adult children and family members. Thank God I no longer had to carry the weight of this shadowy secret alone.
Relieved of my burden, I went to a Christian counselor.
That was over 10 years ago. Let me share what I’ve learned.
When I asked, “Jesus, where were you when this happened? He answered, “I was on the cross.” When I said, “Lord, why did this happen?” He said, “I gave freewill to all.” When I needed to know, how could there be such sin? He reminded me of the first sin. When I struggled to forgive, Jesus let me know my forgiveness was for my own healing. When I thought it was my fault (which most rape victims do), I could sense His pain for me as a victim.
The Bible is the greatest love story ever told. It is about the love of a Bridegroom for His Bride. The imagery of the holiness and sacredness of the physical union in the one flesh relationship of a husband and wife is portrayed in the spiritual intimacy of the love Jesus has for us. Individually and corporately we learn of the purity, the unity, the exclusivity as believers in the Most High God.
The sexual perversion that has existed since creation is a deliberate and calculated assault on destroying any understanding of the holiest of love by the Enemy of our souls. Perhaps that is how we understand why the Creator did not want us to have the knowledge of good and evil. However, we have the promise of a new heaven and earth when the Lord will make all things new when the Bride and Bridegroom will be one.
I hope by sharing my story other victims of sexual abuse would find healing as I did. Healing takes time, prayer, effort and the support of the people you love. Don’t try to do this on your own. Find a Christian counselor to help you work through these serious issues.
Don’t wait long as I did. Yet, just as grieving the death of a loved one, rape victims have to grieve their loss as well in their own way and time. Recovery is a process, but as the Bible instructs we should share in each others’ suffering.
I also learned to comfort others who experienced the same hellish trauma I did. Rather than let bitterness destroy me, I chose to help others by volunteering to fight sex trafficking. If my pain could be so devastating, I can’t imagine the awfulness of repeated assaults.
I want to ask so many questions now, here on earth.
But when I see Jesus face to face none of it will matter. I have learned to let Him carry my grief and sorrows and replace it with the fullness of joy as I remain in His sweet presence.
The name of the writer is anonymous for her own protection. Used by permission.