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Setting the Tone in Your Home

by Jeff Jones
written by Jeff Jones

Modern Family “Setting the Tone”

Jeff Jones, Senior Pastor

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

For every one of us here, we want to help those we love flourish in life, not hinder them. We want our key relationships, such as people we are dating, or our marriage, or our kids to be accompanied with joy, not tension. Today in this series on Modern Family we are talking about a distinctive of a home or relationship where such positive things happen. Today we are talking about the tone of our home and the tone of our key relationships.

We all know that tone is important, certainly in communication. I can say the same words but communicate the opposite meaning just by changing the tone. I can say, “You’re a genius.” Or I can say, “You’re a genius.” Or, “You are so bad. You are so bad.” Or “come here,” versus, “come here.” One makes you want to run and the other makes you want to come over, just by varying the tone.

I’ve recruited a volunteer to illustrate this another way, so let’s welcome ________ to the stage. I’m going to ask him/her to shoot some baskets, and if he makes at least __ baskets in 30 seconds, he’ll get this chocolate. He actually gets two tries at it. But you have a role to play in this. You as the crowd are going to set the tone, and I want Epoch and Fairview to play along, too. For the first round, I want you as a crowd to boo like crazy, make fun of him, just be jerks. For the second round, we’ll do the opposite. So, let’s do this. When I count to two, the 30 seconds will start, and I’ll need you guys to be really loud and obnoxious. (DO ROUND ONE).

Now, we get to be nicer. He gets another shot at this, but this time you cheer him on and encourage him like crazy. (DO ROUND TWO and debrief).

Tone matters. A huge theme of this series is that what make Christ-following homes and relationships distinctive is that we are to relate to those closest to us the same way God our Father relates to us, which is a radically different way to relate. The tone of our relationships is one of those places of radical differences, not a tone of strife and negativity but one that allows that other person to flourish. We can say all the right things and do all the right things, but if we have the wrong tone we can crush the heart of a child or choke the life out of our spouse.

Today we are going to examine and apply one of the most recognizable and beautiful passages in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, as well as a passage in Romans to help reset the tone of our relationships. I’m going to read the passage first, and then we’ll talk about it and apply it, so turn with me in your Bibles or the ones under the seat in front of you to 1 Corinthians 13, and we’ll start with v. 4:

Slide: ____________________) 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…

Imagine a home where love as just described set the tone of the home, and that’s what we are going to talk about and then work on this week. How do we make this the tone of our home and what would that even look like? You can follow along with me in your outline that you were given when you came in.

Slide: ________________) 1) Change the Rules (Defy Gravity)

There is so much in these verses, and all of us would want to relate this way and set a tone of love that was patient and kind, not easily angered and not holding grudges, and that is easy to do when the other person is doing the same thing, or when they are doing what we want them to do. It’s easy to be kind to a kind person. It’s easy to be patient with our kids when they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

That’s why even though most marriages don’t end up making it, almost all marriages make it through the honeymoon. You are in love, in an ideal environment, no pressure, no expectations of each other. You are just on the beach and in love. At some point though the honeymoon is over, and reality kicks in, and you realize that your ideal man or woman isn’t so ideal after all. Same with kids. When you first see your child, they are this completely innocent little baby and you look at them and you think, “Wow, he or she is just perfect. I can’t ever imagine this little baby causing any problems.” And then they turn two, and then they become teenagers, and doing the whole 1 Corinthians 13 thing isn’t so easy.

We can talk about having a good tone when the other person is doing what we want, but why do that? Instead, I want to talk about choosing a tone of love when the other person is doing the opposite of what we think, because that’s when we typically give ourselves permission to temporarily throw this passage out of our Bibles. We are going to talk about changing the rules, defying relational gravity. By relational gravity, I’m talking about the negative spiral that naturally and immediately starts when you hurt me or wrong me or frustrate me, and then I respond in kind, and then you respond in kind, and then I do so again, and so on, and we spiral down to some pretty low places.

That’s the natural thing to do. It’s relational gravity, just like when I drop this ball; it’s pretty predictable what’s going to happen. It’s not going up, it’s going down. In relationships, relational gravity is just as predictable. You hurt me, I’m going to hurt you back. You wrong me, I’m going to get even. Even if it takes awhile, I am now holding a grudge, and I’m going to make you pay. You frustrate me, and I’m going to put you back in your place. It feels like justice to do so. So, our spouse treats us badly or blows an expectation we have for them, and we react. The spiral starts going downhill. Our kid does something wrong or is disrespectful or irresponsible, and boom, there goes gravity.

Once gravity starts, we feel very justified in throwing 1 Corinthians 13 out the window, and we justify being rude and impatient and unkind and being angry quickly and holding on to that anger in the form of a grudge. Yet, as Christ-followers we are called to respond in a very different way that breaks the cycle and sets a whole different tone in that home or that relationship. We choose to love at all times.

Romans 12:21 tells us how to respond when someone wrongs or frustrates us:

Slide: ___________________) Romans 12:21 (NIV)

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

You choose to break the laws of relational gravity and overcome evil with good, you respond to wrong with right, you choose love always.

So, if someone acts immature or foolish or hurtful, you don’t respond in kind. You don’t sink to that level. You don’t let that set the tone. Instead, you break the spiral and respond with love.

That’s not easy to do though. It’s amazing what a spouse or a child can do to you, how easily you can sink to the level of a two year old or a 16 year old. Someone told me this week that as they were driving home from church, this mom and her teenage daughter pulled up next to them at a light, and they were arguing in the car, and the mom was just going off on her kid, who I’m sure frustrated the heck out of her. Soon, the mom threw something at her daughter, which I’m sure felt good at the moment. I’ve been there. They then drove away, and guess what was on the back of their car? A Chase Oaks sticker. One of us! Because we’ve all been there. It could have been me, but I’m not a mom and I don’t have a daughter. Hey, if you have toddlers or teenagers, you’ve done the gravity thing too. It’s natural.

Proverbs 29:22 says,

Slide: ____________________) Proverbs 29:22 (NIV)

An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.

Anger is maybe the biggest reason we choose sin over love, and allow relational gravity to do its evil work. In an angry moment, I can justify a toxic tone and violating love feels right. And our lives are so stressful that it makes all this even easier to get it wrong. In the moment, it feels so right but in the aftermath we realize our oops after the damage is done. You can probably all remember something someone you love said to you in anger that hurt you. It may have been 30 years ago, but you still remember it. You can probably remember things you’ve done or said in anger that wounded too. So easy to jettison 1 Corinthians 13 when we get frustrated or angry, but we have to learn the opposite response, and choose to overcome evil with good. We may have to call a time out and go to separate corners before responding to each other when we are mad. That’s fine. But so much damage happens when we are frustrated, and the gravity spiral leads to soul damage and relational damage 100% of the time. Instead, choose to break the laws of relational gravity that allows you to respond to evil with good.

You can still speak the truth about how you feel and correct a wrong attitude or action. You just speak the truth in love, as Ephesians says. Rather than being rude and angry and spiteful, you choose to be patient and kind and respectful.

As a Christ-follower, you’ve got to be the one to break the downward spiral so that the tone of the home isn’t ruined, so that hearts don’t get crushed, so that regrets don’t build, and so that you don’t shut down the willingness of your kid or teenager to communicate with you or open up to you in the future. In that tense moment, you choose to overcome evil with good.

Slide: ___________________) 2) Believe the Best (Defy Logic)

What I’m about to say does defy logic. It isn’t necessarily rational, but it is a choice that love makes that changes the whole tone of a home or a marriage. These next couple of verses in 1 Corinthians 13 are just crazy verses, and when people describe love as making you crazy, this is a great illustration of that. Let’s look at 13:7, and this is one crazy passage:

Slide: ___________________) 1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV)

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Notice the repetition of “always” here. This is what love does. It always protects, believes, hopes, and perseveres. The New American Standard translation reads: [Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Another way to say this is that love is incredibly generous toward the other person, always. Love chooses to believe all things and hope all things. Love chooses to believe the best, to see the other person through the lens of incredible generosity and just assume that if you don’t know the motives of the other person, that they are probably really great. Love sets this crazy, generous tone that says, “I believe you. I trust you. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m always holding out hope for you.”

That is a very different tone than most marriages and in most parent-child relationships. Rather than a negative, mistrusting, I’ve got to watch you all the time because you are so messed up tone, it is just this positive, trusting, “I am for you and I believe in you” tone that sometimes defies logic.

Let’s talk about how this generous tone craziness affects marriage. A few years ago I read a book by Marcus Buckingham, who wrote Now Discover Your Strengths and other best-selling books. This one was called, The One Thing You Need to Know. Although the book is not about marriage, he illustrates the one thing you need to know at the beginning of the book with an illustration that comes out of one of the largest marriage studies ever done. This marriage study was a study done on hundreds of marriages of ten years plus that by various standards were good marriages, to find what these good marriages had in common. They found one primary common denominator, and the finding blew all their expectations out of the water. None of them expected that to be the one thing they all had in common. They assumed that these marriages would be couples who had a very accurate and realistic view of each other, and had realistic expectations of that other person based on those. That love is not blind for these couples, but highly informed. What they found was the opposite.

What they found was that for these couples, love is blind. They irrationally see the other person as being much better than they are, and they treat them accordingly. They choose to believe the best. Here’s the way Buckingham worded it:

Slide: ____________________)
The one thing: Find the most generous explanation for each other’s behavior and believe it.

The one thing was an overly generous view of their partner that caused them to interpret everything through that positive lens. They just refused to go negative. When they described their partner, they were irrationally generous and worded their weaknesses as strengths. So her husband was not impatient, he was intense. His wife was not lazy but laid-back and fun-loving. He was not insensitive, but highly-focused. They focused on the positive and chose always to believe the best.

They chose a positive tone for the marriage that allowed trust and love to then flourish. They were for each other. The same is true in parenting. Massive amounts of research have demonstrated the reality of self-fulfilling prophecies in child- raising, how we create in our kids what we believe our kids are and are becoming. Our kids become what they feel we think they are. If that means we think they are a pain in the rear, that’s what they will become. Or, on the positive side, if they feel our belief in them, they tend to rise to that level of belief.

In the biblical era, one way that this was communicated was through names. When people named their children, they did so carefully and the names meant something. Names like “faithful,” and “God is my focus.” Not, klutz or moron. An interesting Bible study is to look at names of Bible characters, and you see how these people actually grow into their names, so much so that sometimes you think the Bible had to cheat…that they had to be named after they grew up, not before.

Just think about how God fathers us, how he views us. He does so with a generous, positive tone. The Bible says that God delights in us multiple times. One of the more dramatic verses is in a song we sometimes sing about God dancing and singing over his children with delight, from Zephaniah. God is patient with us, as Psalm 103 so eloquently says:

Slide: ____________________) Psalm 103:13-14 (NIV)

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

He believes in us, and focuses on our strengths, not our weaknesses. The Bible emphasizes our gifts, not our deficiencies, which means we should do the same with our own kids.

Our kids should feel the same. They should never feel like an object of our disgust, but of our delight, not our shame but our pride, not our pain but our pleasure. That’s true even in discipline, which we will talk about next week. This sets the tone of our discipline, so that rather than words or a tone that communicates, “You are such a screw up. You always do the wrong thing and you never choose what’s right,” you change the tone. It’s more, “I love your strong will, but this time you chose to cross a line that I can’t let you cross without consequences.”

The point here is to have an overly generous view of our kids that sets a positive tone of belief, and that is rare. Of all the things I am thankful for in my life, near the very top is how my parents did this for me. I have said this before, but I cannot remember one second in my life where I doubted the fact that my parents love me and believe in me and are cheering me on in life. That foundation is one that I do not take for granted, and one that I certainly want to give my own kids as their dad. We take Collin to college this week, and when he is going to bed in his dorm room (same with Caleb), I want him to go to sleep with the reality that his mom and dad treasure him and believe in him and are cheering him on in life to do what God has put him on this planet to do.

We can say those words to our kids, but if the tone in which we relate with them doesn’t match, it renders the words hollow. A negative, suspicious, condescending tone robs our kids and teenagers of dignity, and they will struggle with a low self- esteem or they will get as far away from us as quickly as they can to get out of the toxic environment our negative tone creates.

So, how would you describe the tone you set as a husband or wife in your marriage? What would your spouse say? How about the tone you set with your kids? What would your kids say? For some of you, we actually asked your kids last week in Kidzone and made a video of their responses. We got some pretty shocking responses, so I hope you won’t be too embarrassed, but go ahead and show the video. I’m kidding. Wouldn’t do that to you, and we all have our less than perfect moments on this tone thing. Yet, this is one we need to get right. You and I, as parents, are the ones who are responsible for the tone in our home, not our kids. For kids to flourish, that tone must be one of unwavering belief in them.

Slide: ___________________) 3) Keep on Loving (Defy entropy)

The last little statement in 1 Corinthians 13 is a good statement for us to go home with: Love never fails. Love doesn’t quit, even when it gets hard. It just keeps on going. Love always holds out hope, grace, and forgiveness. One of the most biblically important concepts about God as our father is an Old Testament, Hebrew word, pronounced hesed, and often translated “lovingkindness” or “unending love” in some translations. It is God choosing to love us with a never ending love. His love never exhausts. He just keeps loving, regardless of our performance.

For you and me as parents, we must love the same way, but that isn’t easy. Marriage and parenting can be really exhausting, and therefore maintaining a 1 Corinthians 13 tone in our home can be easy for a little while to maintain, but hard over a long period of time. For this to happen, it means we must stay close to God and we must manage our own lives well. Staying close to God, in his Word, in prayer, keeps us in touch with his delight in us, how he loves us, which then helps us treat others the same way. He also empowers us to keep us going. Managing our own lives well is also so important, because stress is not a friend to a healthy tone in the home. We need to manage our stress and those things that stress us out so that we can be loving.

The other night I came in from a day where I had meetings from 8 in the morning to ten at night, and after 14 hours of meetings, I was spent and stressed and I was one grumpy guy by the time I got home. And that was my fault for not managing my day better than I did. I could have managed it better, to insert a little bit of rest or recreation into it so that I could be more effective in those meetings and more loving at home, but I didn’t. So, I was kind of a jerk. Every once in a while, that’s going to happen, but I sure don’t want it to be my pattern. I don’t want it to be the way my kids describe me one day to their kids. We need to stay close to God and manage our lives well if we are going to be spouses and parents who foster a good tone in the home; otherwise, it won’t happen. Where is your stress level right now? How could you manage your life better, in a way that makes you far more effective at setting the kind of tone that helps a family flourish and not falter?

This week we realized that our main air-conditioning unit is going out, which is not good in 110 degree weather. Nor is it good for our pocketbook. Between car expenses and this, so far life is not making our Go Boldly commitment easy, but that’s okay; God will provide what we need to be faithful to that.

But on the house, what I want is to be able to come in and set the thermometer to a healthy temperature, one where we can flourish as a family. So, on this tone element, picture yourself looking at the thermostat now, and what is the temperature of your home? What is the tone you are setting?

To get more specific, let’s review the message:
First, defying relational gravity. How are you doing there? This week, make a choice to stop the negative spiral and choose to overcome evil with good. Choose to respond with kindness, and patience, and respect. Don’t sink below the level of what love would do.

How about defying logic with how we view our kids? Are you irrationally generous in the way you see your kids in a way that comes across in your parenting of them? Do they believe you believe in them completely, trust them, choose to believe the best when you don’t know what’s going on?

And last, are you defying entropy by leaning on God to love well and lead your home with a healthy tone?

Great questions as we go to God in prayer. This week, let’s ask for God’s help in changing the tone of our home.

www.chaseoakschurch.org

 

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Ask Roger

Why Aren’t There Many Good Dads in the Bible?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,
It’s approaching Father’s Day. Why are there so many bad dads mentioned in the Bible? What do you think are some of the most important things about being a good dad? How can I be a good dad?

Dear Scott,

Why are there so few good fathers mentioned in the Bible?

The answer is simple. Because there aren’t many good dads around. Being a Dad is a difficult task.

Let’s discuss some of the fathers in the Bible—good and bad—and then learn a few lessons on how to be a good one.

First, dads are human. They’re fallible. They’re broken. And they’re far from perfect.

When God didn’t come through quickly enough, Abraham got impatient and used his concubine to have a child. Instead of fathering one family, Abraham now had two.  The result was untold misery (Genesis 21-22).

His sons, Isaac and Ishmael, spent their lives in competition and battle against each other.

Isaac and his wife Rebekah birthed Jacob and Esau. They played favorites with their twin sons (Genesis 26:1-27:). Many research projects reveal that while denying it vehemently, most parents really do have a favorite child. Don’t think for a moment that brothers and sisters aren’t aware of which child is the favorite.

Jacob fathered twelve children. His awful fathering produced a family filled with deceit, rape, murder, regrets, anger, adultery, and mistrust (Genesis 30-31).

David had at least 30 sons and daughters. His family was dominated by death, murder, incest, rape, adultery, and rebellion (1 Samuel 13). David was a neglectful, permissive, absent father.

Also, like many biblical fathers, David was a polygamist. Unfortunately, he had more wives, concubines, and children than he had time to care for.

It’s time to recognize that many men in our society are serial polygamists. They just don’t have all of their wives at the same time like David did. They have three or four wives spread out over several years. Unfortunately, many of their children face horrible consequences just like David’s did.

Second, the Bible has only a few good fathers to put on display.

I can only think of three.

Job was involved with his children socially and prayed for their spiritual lives (Job 1:4-5). His heart broke when they suffered. He loved and cared for them in a hands-on way.

The father of the Prodigal Son was loving and forgiving. Even after all the misery, selfishness, worry and grief that the Prodigal Son caused had caused his father, dad’s arms were still open with love, forgiveness, acceptance, and rejoicing (Luke 15:11-27).

Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus, must have been a great father. Otherwise, God would have chosen someone else to help with parenting!

It’s not hard to imagine Joseph caring for Mary and protecting baby Jesus when Herod called for the slaughter of the two-year-olds. As Jesus was growing and maturing, Joseph obviously saw to Jesus’ education and to his spiritual, emotional, mental and physical needs. Joseph taught Jesus the carpentry trade. The Bible calls Joseph a righteous man. Joseph was a father of quiet strength, honesty, and kindness (Matthew 1).

And Jesus must have loved him dearly.

I imagine that multiple thousands of books and articles have been written on how to be a good parent.

My intention is not to relate them all. However, let me mention a few characteristics of good fathering that mean a lot to me.

1. Build a solid spiritual foundation.

A vibrant spiritual life is more caught than taught. If we are walking in the spirit, nine times out of ten, so will our children.

I remember looking through the door to the den early one morning and seeing my dad on his knees in prayer. You never get over that.

When I became a father, I glued a small plaque to the outside door which led into the kitchen. Every time my children went in or out of the house they were reminded: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 1:7).

We must raise our children “In the nurture and admonition of the Lord and on his precepts” (Ephesians 6:4). In other words, take the time to read and study the Bible on your own and with your children. You have the opportunity to help them develop a rich relationship with Jesus and a reverence for God’s Word.

2. Take the time to develop an intimate relationship with your children.

Busy fathers often say, “I may not have much time for my children; but, the time we do have is quality time.” Don’t be deceived. Having a little quality time doesn’t come close to the quantity of time that children really need.

Based on actual face time, the average father spends fourteen minutes a day with his teenage children. Christians fathers aren’t much better. They average seventeen!

Children spell love, T-I-M-E.

Think about what happens when most fathers try to discipline their teenagers. The teenager brings all of his/her emotional baggage to the conflict. Dad brings his. Their issues immediately clash. Imagine the explosive scene. Everyone gets hurt.

Now, imagine a situation where mom and dad have built a loving relationship with their teenager. Can you imagine that the confrontation would have a much better outcome?

It’s hard to discipline a child you don’t even know.

3. Meet the needs of your children by implementing these top ten intimacy principles.

Most people don’t think they really have many needs. But they do!

It’s important for fathers to meet the needs of their children. Meeting their needs is the physical, emotional, and spiritual practice of love.  When meeting the needs of our children, we look most like Jesus.

The Top Ten Intimacy Needs

  • 1. Acceptance: Can you receive me and unconditionally love me even if I never change?
  • 2. Affection: We are talking about touches and cuddles and verbalized expressions of love.
  • 3. Appreciation: This has to do with someone commending the things you do.
  • 4. Attention: Who is spending time with you?
  • 5. Approval: This is close to appreciation but also contains an affirmation of who you are.
  • 6. Comfort: Who will let you cry? Who will cry with you? If you only have one temperature, you don’t have enough.
  • 7. Encouragement: This is to urge others on to fulfill their dreams, goals, and desires. Who’s your cheerleader?
  • 8. Respect: The key word here is value. I need someone to value my opinions, ideas, thoughts and convictions.
  • 9. Security: This is not just freedom from physical harm and having the doors locked. It has to do with emotional protection.
  • 10. Support: This is a practical need. I don’t need you to criticize me or advise me, I need you to get under this burden and share the load with me.”

Pay attention to your children’s needs and deliberately meet them daily. You’ll be a great father.

Our hope is that our children have no unmet needs.

Be encouraged; even if your child is an adult, you can still begin filling the holes left by unmet needs. It’s never too late!

One Friday, Julie and I were teaching a number of couples about the importance of having needs met. On Saturday morning we regathered, and one father could hardly wait to tell us a story.

It seems that last night while pumping gas he got a call on his cell phone from his daughter. She had been in an accident. He said, my old model was to ask questions like: “What happened? Were you hurt? Was anyone else hurt? Was it all your fault? Did you call the police? How many times did I have to tell you to be more careful?”

He continued, “I decided to try out what I just learned in the conference. I said to her, ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. You must be so scared. Please be at peace. We will work everything out for the best. No harm done. There is nothing here that can’t be fixed. Relax, I’ll be there soon to help you.’”

There was a long pause on the phone, and then she said, “Daddy, is that you?”

Good fathering means meeting the needs of our children.

4. Some dads are really good. You were fortunate if you had one.

I was fortunate. I had a great dad who invested time, energy, and wisdom to help prepare my brother and me for life.

For example, he was constantly searching for words of wisdom to pass on to us.

Perhaps the wisest thing ever said to us was: “Son, if you have to love people and work hard, you will always be a success in life.

Here are just a few sayings that he drilled into us:

“Life by the yard is hard; but by the inch it’s a cinch.”

“The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.”

“Don’t sell your peanuts at the end of the parade.”

“He who whispers down the well, about the goods he has to sell, will not have as many dollars, as he climbs a tree that hollers.”

His favorite words of advice were from the Bible. He must’ve quoted Philippians 4:13 twenty times a day: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Be at peace. You are not doomed pass along to your children the mistakes of your past. Many men have raised successful children despite a tough childhood.

By the way, don’t be too angry if you had a poor dad. Give him room for some grace. If you don’t get appreciation from your dad, there’s a good chance he didn’t get some from his father either.

It’s very hard to pass on what you have never received.

Fortunately, if we didn’t have a good dad, the Holy Spirit, the Word of God, and special people around us can minister to the unfulfilled needs in our lives. We can then pass them along to our children.

 

Well Scott,

I hope this is helpful. May God bless you and your children.

Love, Roger

 

 

 

 

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Devotionals

Building Blocks of a Godly Family

by Drew Anderson
written by Drew Anderson

What are the building blocks that makes a Christian family different?

The Christian Family is a Display of:

…mutual submission (Eph. 5:21)

Since the Bible articulates the Christian’s understanding of the family, the Bible then guides the basic principles that each Christian should display. That leads me to this first point of display as mutual submission. Let’s start with the negative: the idea that marriage is 50/50. This notion is misleading. For one, its aim from the start is too short. Hoping to meet in the middle will usually lead to a lonely life. Second, it has a connotation of conditions. As in, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.” Mutual submission calls a godly man and a godly woman to go all the way regardless of the actions of the other. This calls both husband and wife to die to self.

…self-sacrificing love (Eph. 5:28-29; 1 Pet. 3:1-2)

Here, the apostles Peter and Paul establish the principles of self-sacrifice in marriage. To thrive in a marriage, the husband loves his wife in the same way he loves his body. For the wife to thrive in marriage she loves through trust represented in submission. To submit means to defer. This idea only makes sense of the family is understood to have roles and responsibilities that are different. We naturally understand roles within government, within education, and within the church. As roles within the family are understood, then the husband and wife operate as compliments not competitors. While there are varying seasons within a marriage, the predominant reality is that the wife is the helpmeet (Gen. 2:18) and the husband is the leader. In the same way different notes are played on the piano to produce harmonious music, the husband and wife fit into their roles as the sacrifice their desires and preferences for each other. The husband leads by laying down his preferences to serve his wife. The wife follows by laying down her preferences to submit to her husband. Self-sacrifice then leads to training children to follow the biblical model.

…intentional training (Prov. 22:6)

To train as a parent means that neither abdication nor allocation are primary methods of instruction. The family is where the training of children first occurs. The church, the Sunday school, or the private Christian school, etc. are not the replacement for family training, but reinforcement of family training. The practical reality is that the family is not able to train everything, but they are at a minimum involved in the training of their children.

…gentle understanding (1 Pet. 3:7)

Peter’s call to husbands is to have gentle understanding toward their wife and ultimately family. To be gentle is to bring strength under control. It’s a horse with a bridle. Without a bit, bridle, and reins the unharnessed power of the horse is enough to damage if not kill. In the same way, the husband must be a man who has control over his spirit (Prov. 16:32). To be understanding means to see the connections–the be able to answer the why (Prov. 14:6b). In the context of a marriage and family, the husband must not take words, actions, or responses out of context. He must be able to fit circumstances into a broader picture. He must focus on the forest and not just a tree. As he displays a gentle understanding, he provides stability and security to his family.

…Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:31-32)

The ultimate display of the family is the picture of Christ and His Church. Christ ascended and will return to bring His bride to Himself one day. In between these points in history, the Church is the vehicle through which mankind is being saved into one body (1 Cor. 12:13). Until Christ returns the family represents to a watching world the love of Christ and the Church. This is significant, because in heaven there is no need for the marriage display because the love of Christ and His Church will be consummated. It’s no wonder the Enemy is using all means to dismantle the family as lived out according to God’s Word. If he can dismantle the greatest display of love, then he can confuse or wipe out all together the greatest evangelistic witness—the Christian family.

Human Flourishing May Prevail

The concept of flourishing builds on a premise that the abundant life is intrinsic within each person and in the right environments it will not only grow but produce fruit. So long as the family has a husband and wife committed to displaying God’s love toward each other, they will live in as well as cultivate a place for children to grow in the most nutrient-rich soil.

The fruit of an abundant life blooms in the soil of a biblical family.

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Devotionals

Enjoy Your Loved Ones

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Children are a gift from God; they are his reward. 4 Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows to defend him. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. That man shall have the help he needs when facing his enemies.” Psalm 127: 3-5

Verse three describes the benefits of walking in faith and God-dependence: physical and spiritual children. Sons are a heritage from the Lord: the fruit of the womb a reward.” Sons were absolutely indispensable in Biblical times. Women couldn’t easily provide for themselves. The blessing of family described in verses three through five connotes a legacy, a family heritage. Hebrew children were considered God’s gifts and wealth. Sarah, Rachel and Hannah all prayed to have sons. Childless widows in the Bible were pictured as helpless and destitute. A man’s sons were his social security. They tilled the land and carried on the family name. They nursed Mom and Dad in their twilight years. The heritage of the family was entrusted to them. Heritage implies an identity, a culture, a set of values, and a lifestyle.

A close family is a precious treasure. Memories are made. Values are imparted. Community is implicit. When we lead someone to Christ, we become spiritual mothers and fathers. We impart life to those we lead to Christ. We must not dunk’em and drop ‘em (an old Baptist cliche), we love, teach and train our spiritual children.

Psalms 127:4 states that children are like a warrior’s arrows. The psalmist refers both to quality and quantity in this poetic phrase. The king’s symbolism was not lost upon any Hebrew reader. Every Israelite understood that a plethora of arrows provided protection and food for a family. Archery was used everyday in ancient times. Warriors drew their bows to stop aggressors on their home turf. Hunters wielded bows and arrows to kill prey and feed their faces. Even primitive Neanderthals knew that arrows must be carved carefully to hit the target. A crooked arrow whittled by a haphazard hunter could cost him his life. Don’t enrage an elephant by shooting him in the foot! Accurate aiming produced a tasty dinner. Missing the mark meant death. Today, a person who lives a lifestyle of uncompromising integrity is a “straight arrow”. Adult children who lead lives that are focused and effective bring joy to their parents. Parents who have carefully invested in the lives of their children will be happy and fulfilled when they “shoot their arrows” into society and watch them soar successfully.

“Sitting at the town gate” (verse 5) was an ancient custom first mentioned in the book of Genesis in reference to the stellar career of Lot as lukewarm judge presiding at Sodom’s gates. Moses tells us Lot tried cases for the citizenry at the city gate. Obvi- ously, Lot didn’t stay the tide of decadence and immorality in his hometown. God had to fry the city to a crisp and turn Lot’s wife into a saltine because of the depravity of the Sodomites and Gomorrahettes! In Moses’ day, his father-in-law assisted him by advis- ing him to delegate some of his governance to trusted leaders of each tribe. Moses heeded Jethro’s word and appointed judges to assist with administering justice among the wandering Jews. Judges resided at the city gate to solve domestic disputes, forge con- tracts and make treaties. Boaz bought Ruth as his bartered bride with a dusty sandal at the city gate. (Ruth 4:1-7.) Peace was kept by deft negotiators practicing diplomacy among warring tribes and nations. If the judges at the gate were savvy arbitrators, if they were men of their word, then peaceful coexistence ensued. If the ambassadors were corrupt or capricious, the community’s safety and prosperity were compromised.

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Bible Studies

Kindness Begins at Home

by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth
written by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

People can be perturbing. Marriage and family life would be a lot less stressful if husbands and children didn’t sometimes act irresponsibly or disregard our feelings or instructions. Ministry would go more smoothly and be less demanding if people weren’t so needy or would just get their act together. Many of the issues we face in our jobs would go away if it weren’t for inexperienced coworkers, demanding clients, or impatient customers.

Yes, people may cause the lion’s share of our headaches. But when we serve people, we serve Christ. And when we treat people with kindness rather than indifference or impatience, we become channels of blessing, dispensing gracious words and actions that can’t help but adorn the gospel of Christ.

The Proverbs 31 Example

The woman whose description we know so well from Proverbs 31 is a lovely, biblical model of kindness in action. Wherever this strong, gifted, diligent woman goes, she leaves a trail of goodness, and she ministers grace to everyone around her: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Prov. 31:26).

But note who benefits first from this woman’s industry and goodwill. For her, kindness begins at home. With her family. With her inner circle. With those who share her daily life. Her kindness toward her husband, for example, is displayed in a daily commitment that remains undiminished with the passing of time or when their relationship may be in a hard place: “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov. 31:12).

Not a day is wasted by lashing out in frustration and anger or being passive-aggressive. Every day is seen as an opportunity to do her husband good with her attitude, words, and actions. This is a huge gift she gives to him—and to herself, as her husband responds with the highest of praise for his wife.

The Proverbs 31 woman’s selfless, thoughtful deeds also bless her entire family as she labors tirelessly and faithfully to ensure their needs are met.

She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. . . . She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed (vv. 21, 27–28).

Those Closest to Us

The fact is nowhere am I more tempted to be selfish and lazy than in my home and my closest relationships. And I fear this is true for most of us—wives and moms, as well as those who live with other family members or friends. Too often, I’m afraid, we show more concern and kindness for neighbors, colleagues, store clerks, or complete strangers than for those who live under the same roof with us or who are related to us by blood or marriage.

If a couple were staying at our house for the weekend, we’d be sure clean towels were in the bathroom, their linens were freshly washed, dinner was flexible to their schedule, and a fresh pot of coffee was brewing in the morning. But when our own kids and husband need something—well, they know where the refrigerator is and how to turn on the oven.

Right?

Managing a busy household, dealing with the daily tasks related to serving husbands and kids—or whatever other responsibilities you may have—requires diligence and discipline day in and day out. It requires hard work, sometimes exhausting work. But it also requires kindness—or as one commentator put it, “a lack of irritability in light of the nagging demands of mundane and routine household duties.”1

And that’s where things can get challenging. It’s so easy for us to be like the woman who once lamented to me with refreshing candor, “I’m only good enough to look good to the world.” At home, it’s often another story.

When I’m out speaking at a conference, I can be exceedingly gracious, kind, and patient with long lines of women who want to share their burdens and their (at times long, detailed) stories, looking them in the eyes, never complaining about my tired, aching back and feet. But when those closest to me—in my home, my family, or our ministry—need a listening ear, an attentive heart, or a thoughtful act, I can be preoccupied, unfeeling, or just too busy.

Who among us hasn’t had the experience of being in the middle of a tense, unkind exchange at home, only to instantly change our tone and talk warmly with a outsider who calls or stops by? What does that say to our loved ones about how we value them and about the authenticity of our “kindness” to others?

Extra Helpings of Grace

Yes, kindness at home takes extra effort. Home is where we experience most acutely those daily annoyances and disappointments that tempt us to develop an attitude. So kindness at home also requires extra helpings of grace, which in turn requires daily dependence on God and the support of our Titus 2 sisters.

Already, in the short time I’ve been a wife, I’ve witnessed at moments the distance-creating, intimacy-killing impact of a lack of kindness on my part toward my husband. Unkind words spoken thoughtlessly, kind words left unspoken, inconsiderate actions; being too self-absorbed to notice and celebrate an accomplishment in my husband’s business; wounding him in sensitive areas with insensitive teasing; being too busy with my own stuff to carry out small acts of kindness that would serve and bless him.

But I’ve also experienced the incredible importance and power of kindness in a marriage. I have seen it modeled in the marriages of some of my closest friends and of my Titus 2 mentors. And Robert’s tender heart and his consistent kindness—always looking for ways to serve and bless me—have inspired me to be more tuned in to how I can do good to him. Being the recipient of his kindness has increased my desire to outdo him in this area.

Often, I’ve found, it’s the little things—the simple expressions of gratitude and kindness—that express love to my husband and set the tone in our relationship. Leaving encouraging sticky notes in his One-Year Bible when he is headed out on a trip. Turning down the sheet on his side of the bed at night. Delivering a sandwich and cold root beer on a hot day when he’s outside working on a project. Stopping in the middle of a busy work day to head downstairs to his study and find out how his day is going. Honoring his preferences over mine. Assuming the best when he forgets to tell me a piece of news. Choosing to overlook some perceived (or real) slight rather than grinding his nose in it. A kind heart expressed in kind words and kind deeds oils our relationship and softens and draws our hearts toward each other.

Your call to kindness at home will probably take different forms from mine. It may involve curbing a sharp reaction to a childish accident, replenishing the fridge with snacks for a teen, helping a roommate with a project, repeating yourself gently to an elderly parent. But if we were all to demonstrate true kindness toward the people who know us best and see us at our worst, our more public displays of affection would likely ring more true. And I suspect that if we showed more kindness at home, we’d also find ourselves growing genuinely kinder toward everyone else.

How about you? Would the people who live in your home and work with consider you a kind woman? Why or why not? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

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Podcasts

What Wise Parents Do to Be Sure Their Kids Love Them

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman
  • Is it loving to doing things for your kids that they could do themselves? No.
  • Is it loving to make excuses for your kids? No.
  • Love means putting the “tennis ball of life” in your kid’s court.
  • Don’t use warnings. Love means letting the consequences of life happen.
  • Warnings are actually disrespectful.
  • Your kids will love you if you do things such as tell the truth, treat them consistently, etc.
  • Make it safe for your kids to fail.

www.birthorderguy.

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Podcasts

Francis and Lisa Chan on Living Out Love

by Francis Chan
written by Francis Chan

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Articles

A Report Card from Our Kids

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

Pastor John Beeson and his wife Angel are amazing parents. But, like most parents, they wanted to know what their teenage kids thought about their parenting skills. This is what they said:

“We have two wonderful teenage kids. Camille is 16 and Soren is 14. It’s hard to believe that adulthood is just a few years off for both of them. With their elementary years not too far in the rearview mirror and adulthood not too far ahead of them, we asked our kids if they would share what they thought we have done best and where we could improve.

What follows is a Beeson living room chat. I hope by listening in you can benefit from both our highlight and blooper reels.

Their list at times converges with our perspective of our strengths and weakness and at times diverges. I didn’t ask for a certain number of positives and negatives and didn’t edit their list, but I did add comments after each item.

What our kids said we did best (their words are in bold):

1.       Trusting us and giving us freedom (you’re not helicopter parents).

I’m so glad to see this on their list. We’ve given far less freedom than some parents, but we have been intentional in these past few years to release our kids in order to prepare them for adulthood. If they merely perform a certain way at home but immediately stop behaving that way once they leave for college, then our parenting was in vain.

2.       Supporting us in our passions.

We’ve tried to cultivate the giftings God has given Camille and Soren and help them understand God’s call on them to steward their strengths.

3.       Preparing us for the future.

We’ve tried to help our kids develop skills such as hard work, responsibility, and organization that will serve them their entire lives. We’ve also coached them to discern which of their giftings are more likely to be of their vocational calling and which are more likely to be avocational interests that they can enjoy as lifelong hobbies.

4.       Letting us learn from our mistakes.

I’m glad Camille and Soren think that we’ve allowed them to learn from their mistakes. Although honestly, I think we can pull back even more to let them learn from their mistakes. As a parent it’s difficult to allow your kids to experience the consequences of their decisions. A parent’s natural impulse is to protect their kids from poor choices. But Camille and Soren are right that learning from their mistakes is the best way to learn. Our hope is that we continue to grow in making space for our children to learn from their mistakes.

5.       Giving us freedom to not be perfect.

This is so important that our children know this. And it leads their final comment…

6.       Being transparent (teaching us to not keep secrets).

This starts with us modeling repentance. From when our kids were young, we’ve worked hard to acknowledge our wrongs in front of them. We ask for forgiveness when we sin against our kids. In a way that suits their maturity, we’ve shared our fears and our difficulties. And we’ve done everything we can to make it safe for the kids to share their secrets.

What our kids said we could do better:

1.       (Soren) Letting me feel like my opinions matter and have an impact.

Soren is right. I need to create space for him to voice his opinion, even when I disagree. I know that for Soren to really grow in wisdom, that wisdom has to be earned and owned personally. As a parent of young children, it is appropriate to ask for obedience with limited explanation. As our children mature, we need to provide stronger explanations for what we are asking of them, and even provide space for them to disagree with us.

2.       (Camille) Not forcing “moments.”

Camille’s further explanation: When you are a teenager you do not, (at least I do not) want to fit into a certain stereotype. I am super grateful for the sweet memories and moments my family has had, and I am super blessed to have such an amazing family. But the older I get the more grateful my parents are for those sweet moments. And often they will continually voice their gratitude about those sweet moments. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! Except sometimes(as a teenager), it makes those moments seemed forced, and now I feel pressured to be in, or create those perfect moments. That “perfect family” stereotype is so often fake and forced, and although I know our family is natural and real, when the gratitude is constant it makes it feel like those moments were forced. I am not sure if that made any sense, and I do not exactly know what you could do as parents to avoid that, but that is the only time I feel uncomfortable with something in our family.

This feedback is a surprise! It’s helpful to be able to crawl into Camille’s mind and hear how she processes these moments. I understand her fear of any feeling of being forced to have a certain moment or be a certain type of family. As parents, we’ve tried to emphasize gratitude and making sure that we live in the special moments God gives us, but I hear what Camille is saying here, that we have to be careful that we don’t force those moments.

I hope listening in on this family conversation helps you as you consider what you’ve done best and worst as a parent. Maybe this is a conversation you would benefit from having with your children, whatever their age.

May we all grow as moms and dads, learning to reflect our Heavenly Father’s perfect parenting of us more and more.”

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Articles

Does Marriage Help Your Parenting?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they that build it labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1

Marriage can be hard sometimes. Does my marriage, if a healthy one, really help me in my parenting? And what are the three specific ways it helps me?

 

I’ve been married forever. I only got married because I got sick of finishing my own sentences.

Just kidding.

 

What are the three ways that really being in love with your spouse helps you in parenting?

 

If you have a firm foundation, whatever is built on that foundation has a better chance of surviving. I love to tell a story of building our house, and 5:00 in the morning they had builders out there and it’s just getting light. I asked, “why are you here so early?” The contractor replied, “It’s foundation day!”

 

The truth is if the foundation isn’t right, your whole home is off.

 

We have to be rock solid, cemented together with a mortar of love and admiration, and respect for one another. And if that foundation is there and you truly do love each other, and you prioritize in your marriage, you will form an impervious wall where the kids cannot penetrate that and divide you in any way, shape or form.

 

Some people are thinking, “Wait a minute, kids are going to divide you?” Yes, they do. They’re hedonistic kids. When you show that you have a lot of respect and you spend a lot of time with each other, and you prioritize and you’re going out for your date night, there are some kids who go, “Wait, you’re going out? What about us?” They’re hedonistic.

 

You have to set the paradigm early in the marriage that the couple matters. You be a better parent because you do talk with each other. You don’t let things build up. You have good communication, and so the kids read that, they learn from that.

 

When your child comes and asks for something and all of a sudden he’s in a hurry, he needs this and that because it’s tomorrow. And you say to a son or daughter, “Honey, wait a minute, how long have you known this?” “Well, I’ve known this for a month,” he says.

 

 “Now you’re coming to me the night before and you want this, that and the other thing. I mean, that’s not the way life works, and it certainly isn’t the way things work in this family. I don’t know how you’re going to solve that problem, but I wish you the best at it.”

 

Now, what have you just told your nine year old? Don’t come in here expecting emergency aid and help when he haven’t done his work. That’s not how this family operates. What I’m saying is that kids catch the drift from parents on how to do life. It’s a teachable moment. That’s the last time a nine year old hopefully is going to come ill prepared the last minute with a list of demands for you as parents.

 

On the good ship family on the ocean of life, you have to pick to yourselves, both of you at the wheel of that ship, the good ship family. And again, the question I always like to ask is, do you have a destination? Do have a port of call? Do you know where you’re going? And if you do, the hands on deck will follow suit.

 

People want to pursue and follow a leader. And I’m just saying if you’re a leader, and being together and one on marriage not only helps you obviously spiritually, but emotionally and practically as you deal with your children.

 

Are there some practical benefits to parenting that if you are shoulder to shoulder, as you say, both hands on the steering wheel, that make parenting better with a strong marriage? Sure there are!

Your kids will try to please you even more when you give them vitamin E, which is encouragement.

 

“Hey honey, you know I came home and I see that you picked up the front yard. You know what? That was so thoughtful of you. I think those are the neighbors papers, but I noticed you picked him up. That is so helpful. Thank you honey.”

 

Again, keep in mind that kids want to please you. When you see things that the kids do and you just make a general comment of thanks, you’re giving that kid vitamin E. You’re telling them, “Hey mom and dad noticed.” You don’t say, “Well, somebody else is going to pick it up. You picked it up.”

 

Everything you do that’s in a positive way, feeds more positivity. Anything you’d do negatively, feeds what? More negative stuff.

 

In this super busy world that we have, many parents honestly say, “I don’t think I have enough time to do work. Keep the home together, work on my marriage and take care of my kids. There’s one too many things in there, and marriage is the easiest one to drop because someday me and the missus will be stuck together. Why would I prioritize it now when I know my kids are leaving?”

 

When I was a young dean of students at 29 years old, I went in and talked to the head dean, the big guy. And essentially, I was just whining about all the problems I had, because I was the administrator of the code of conduct at a university of 35,000 students.

 

You can imagine I was a busy guy. And I came into my boss’s office and I whined about all the problems I had. The dean patiently listened to me and then he turned and he said, “Well, Kevin, it seems to me and I could be wrong, if you didn’t have all those problems, I really wouldn’t have much need to have you here in the office.” I went and gulped and left with my tail between my legs because he was right.

 

Oh, the whining that we do as adults and children! I always say if your kids are whining you need a whine cellar! That’s my famous one-liner. But kids only continue to whine because you listen to them. In their mind it pays off because you’re listening.

 

You’ve got to draw that line to the kids don’t continue to verbally paw at you, like a baby cub toward their mother.

 

Make time for your spouse. Let your kids assume responsibility. Set boundaries. Good partners make good parents. 

This article is an adapted transcription of podcast 254 by Dr. Kevin Leman. www.birthorderguy.com. 

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Articles

Twelve Self-Assessment Questions for Christian Parents

by Luke Gilkerson
written by Luke Gilkerson

God is the One who entrusted children to us in the first place: God, our Heavenly Father. And thankfully, He has a lot to say in His Word about His standards for good parents.

Curious about them? Here are 12 self-assessment questions to consider from the Bible.

12 Self-Assessment Questions for Christian Parents

1. Is the Christian faith a regular part of our daily conversation?

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

2. Do I offer regular opportunities for my children to worship God?

“Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; bring an offering and come before him! Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness.” (1 Chronicles 16:29)

3. Does my speech serve the purpose of building up my children?

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)

4. Am I teaching obedience by modeling it and requiring it?

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)

5. Do I demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit in my life, and in my parenting?

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

6. Do I avoid exasperating my children with standards that are too high?

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

7. Does my conduct towards my kids reflect love?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

8. Do I pray for my children and trust God with them, enabling me to live free of worry about them?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

9. Have I put away anger?

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)

10. Is my discipline corrective, instead of punitive?

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

11. Do I point my children toward the gospel when they sin?

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

12. Do I view my children as blessings from God?

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” (Psalm 127:3)

Do you fall short in some of these areas? Great! That means you’re 100% human and 100% eligible to be a recipient of God’s grace in your parenting. Here are some action steps to get you started:

A Plan for Growth in Grace

1. Focus on YOUR relationship with God.

These Scriptures aren’t meant to be a battering ram that drives us to despair. They’re meant to guide us toward godly parenting while at the same time reminding us that we’re utterly incapable of it on our own. If we want to model our parenting after our Heavenly Father, our first priority must be intimacy with Him.

2. Confess sin to God, AND to your children, when appropriate.

It’s easy to find justification for our sins. We whitewash them by calling them struggles or weaknesses or difficulties, and we find plenty of support for that in our culture and even among well-meaning loved ones who can relate.

But freedom from sin begins with agreeing with God that it is, in fact, sin, and then asking forgiveness from Him and from those impacted by our sin (which is often our kids).

3. Receive God’s forgiveness.

Did you know that you don’t have to forgive yourself for your sinful patterns in parenting? Believe it or not, you won’t find that concept in the Bible.

Instead, you need only to believe that God meant what He said in 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” If you’ve confessed your sins, then claim His promised forgiveness and cleansing, and move forward.

4. Go to God daily (and sometimes hourly!) for grace and wisdom.

Trying to do this parenting thing on our own is nothing short of pride. Not only does it destine us to failure, it actually puts us in a position of opposition against God.

There’s nothing more powerful than taking our burdens to God and asking for His provision and help.

5. Focus on one area of growth at a time.

We shared twelve assessment questions because we wanted this to be thorough and helpful, but it’s typically not very productive to change multiple habits at one time.

Consider which area would make the most difference in your life and in the life of your family. Which sin is most burdensome? Which one is the most problematic for your spouse and children? Tackle that one area for a few months, then move on to the one that will have the next-highest impact.

6. Memorize Scripture.

When you’ve chosen one area to target, select several portions of Scripture that address the sin in question. Choose some that discuss the vice, and some that discuss the corresponding virtue. For example, if you’re focusing on anger, you’ll want to find some verses that talk about anger or wrath, and some others that talk about patience or gentleness.

Don’t skimp on this: the Word of God is living and powerful, and it will change your heart when you persevere in applying it. (Psalm 119:11)

7. Enlist the help of others.

Share your goals with your spouse and your children.

It takes a hefty dose of humility, but it will set a powerful example for your children about the importance of community when it comes to Christian living. Ask them to remind you if they observe you getting off track and to encourage you when they notice improvement. It may also be helpful to seek advice and/or accountability from a Christian friend or church leader depending on the nature and extent of your sinful pattern.

Few things in life reveal our need for God’s grace the way parenting does. Thankfully, He promises that His grace will always be enough, and that His strength is actually made perfect in our weakness (especially if it’s not Instagram worthy).

Written by Luke and Trisha Gilkerson, www.intoxicatedonlife.com.

 

 

 

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Can You Parent as a Grandparent?

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Can you parent as a grandparent? Here are the thoughts of Dr. Kevin Leman from his podcast on the subject with Andrea and Doug:

“Doug: Some day, we’ll all likely be grandparents. What do you do if your kids start dropping your kids off more and more and asking you to be their parent? Can you parent as a grandparent? Well, we need to know if you end up having to parent as a grandparent. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today.

Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you just told us a really interesting story about someone who emailed you a question from a grandparent. It got me thinking. I think there’s probably more people that listen to this that either are having to parent as a grandparents, or someday were going to do it. What do we need to know if we get in this situation?

Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you, I think there’s an awful lot of grandparents out there, number one, who are rearing their grandchildren. There’s a lot of grandparents out there whose adult children are using their parents, the child’s grandparents, in a negative way, in a way that they expect the grandparents to drop everything they’re doing and to give safe harbor to their grandchildren. Now, we have four grandchildren. Quite frankly, we go to great lengths to be with them. Two of them live in Chicago, which is not exactly next door to Tucson, Arizona.

Dr. Leman: In fact, my dear wife is flying up there in a week or so to be with our daughter, Hannah, and her husband, and those two little twins because both of them work and they’re like a lot of couples. We want to be helpful parents. Let’s face it, grandparents, you are mature. You’ve gone through life. You know a few things. By the time we get to the grandparent stage, we’re pretty steady and predictable, and again, a safe harbor.

Dr. Leman: As I was telling you the other day, I got a question from a woman and I really felt so sad because the parent comes and drops off her daughter and leaves her there. I mean, leaves her there. She leaves her there. She doesn’t say, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.” She just leaves them and takes off. Grandparents never know when she’s going to come back. It can be two weeks later. It can be a week later. It could be three days later. Here’s a daughter who has absolutely no respect for her parents, and she uses those grandparents, their good will, good nature, and their love for their grandchild. You tell me, what would you do? I know what I told her to do, but I’d love to know what you guys would do if you’re the grandparents and you have a daughter, doesn’t have a husband, is single mom and she brings by this little granddaughter, drops her off and you never know when she’s going to come back. What would you do?

Andrea: Oh, I’d be taking care of that grand baby, loving on it and just treating it like, “Well, you’re here now and as long as you’re here I’m mom, I guess.”

Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. I think that’s how most people would respond, that, “This is my granddaughter and I love her and I want what’s best for her. Yes, we’ll take her to school. Yes, we’ll pack her lunches. Yes, we’ll give her money if she needs it,” and all those kind of things.

Andrea: I’d probably even be considering adopting her.

Dr. Leman: Well, I tell you, here’s what I shot back to grandma. I said, “You know what? This is a situation that doesn’t have a happy ending. The best thing you can possibly do is to start refusing taking your granddaughter until you reach an agreement with your daughter that you have guardianship of that nine year old.” This daughter is … God only knows what she’s doing. What she’s doing is not good. I can tell you that from the kind of things that the grandmother had shared with me. Again, parents, it’s a catch 22. You want to help your grandchild, but you best help your grandchild by getting guardianship of that nine year old. Now, that costs money. You have to have cooperation with your daughter. Whether your daughter caves in and gives it to you is up for grabs, but you can’t go through life just having somebody drop a youngster, someone you love, off at your house and not knowing where she is and when she’s going to be back.

Dr. Leman: What if you guys have plans to go someplace and maybe see one of your other children, or one of you is still employed and have employment responsibilities. It’s a no win. As tough as that advice is for people, the best solution is to try to get guardianship. Once you have guardianship, then you can go ahead and you can really rear that nine year old as the parent. Then, mom has visiting rights, so to speak, for lack of a better term. She sees the kid’s mother, but you can imagine this child is just nine years old. What is she going to be like at 14? She needs somebody that’s going to really model stability and currently mom is just all over the place. Again, I’m very suspect that she’s a druggie and doing a lot of things that she shouldn’t be doing.

Doug: If the grandparents refuse the daughter unless they get guardianship and the daughter refuses, what’s going to happen to that … my grandchild?

Dr. Leman: See, this is where a situation like this we feel like we’re over the barrel. It’s just like the parent that writes in and says, “My son refuses to take his medication. It’s really important he takes his medication.” Well, the kid’s got you over the barrel. Kids and adults know when they have you over the barrel. They’ll work you. People aren’t for using. I know that. Is this easy to pull off? No. It’s not easy at all. Is it simple? No. It’s not simple either, Leman. This is difficult stuff, but you have to have a heart to heart with daughter. I mean, I’m suspect that the grandparents are also helping the daughter financially. They help her financially and she takes off on a two week binge someplace, hit and miss at work and all that. It’s a crisis in the making. I’ve awfully said, “I’d rather force a blowout than watch it slow leak itself to death.” These are tough questions. Most of your parents who are listening are saying, “Oh my goodness. I’m glad that’s not our situation.” It’s tough.

Andrea: Is there any hope that by the grandparents standing up and saying to the daughter, “Well, you need to give us guardianship if we’re going to keep doing this,” that she might actually recognize what she’s doing and she just is waiting for somebody to hold her accountable and she might-

Dr. Leman: She might.

Andrea: Come out of this-

Dr. Leman: She might.

Andrea: Behavior?

Dr. Leman: Again, permissiveness reigns in our society, and caving in and giving in. Very few people draw lines and says, “This is no longer manageable for us.” Imagine, grandparents living life and all of a sudden, without notice, there’s no phone call or anything, she just drops her off at the house and leaves. I mean just totally non-responsible behavior. You get the authorities involved, then there’s more problems down the line. I think this is something you want to try to solve as grandparents and cut a deal with your daughter for one specific reason, and that is you want to give that granddaughter, in this case, the best predictable, safe environment where she’s going to feel loved and she has some stability. Nine year olds need that, believe me.

Doug: You know what I really appreciate about this example is, for me, you have used this phrase before, “I prefer a blowout than a slow leak, and people are not to be taken advantage of.” It’s like, “Yeah, I get it now.” If I’m ever being taken advantage of, I should force the issue instead of just limping along like this. In all of life, whether you’re a grandparent or not, that’s great.

Doug: Well, before we finish, ’cause I have another question for grandparents here, I want to take this moment for all our podcast listeners, again, to tell you about the eBook special, thank from Baker Books, for you and you alone, a book by Dr. Leman called Born to Win for $1.99, June four to ten of 2019. Dr. Leman, I’m embarrassed to say so, I haven’t read Born to Win. I don’t know if I’ve even heard about it, which [crosstalk 00:08:37]-

Andrea: I don’t know if I’ve heard of it either.

Dr. Leman: Well-

Doug: What is this one about?

Dr. Leman: Who do you suppose is born to win? Take a guess.

Doug: Andrea-

Andrea: The baby-

Doug: ‘Cause she’s sweet.

Dr. Leman: Nope.

Doug: The middle child, ’cause we’re both middle children.

Dr. Leman: No.

Andrea: The only child.

Doug: No, no, ’cause we’re middle children. No?

Dr. Leman: The firstborn.

Doug: Ah.

Andrea: We’re all born to win.

Dr. Leman: The firstborn. They are born to win.

Andrea: Yeah.

Dr. Leman: It’s all about firstborn children. If you’re a firstborn-

Doug: So this is-

Dr. Leman: Or if you have a firstborn, you might really enjoy reading Born to Win.

Doug: It does help to get behind their eyeballs and understand it, doesn’t it? Born to Win, $1.99 June four to ten of 2019. Now, favorite part of the segment, Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman.

Dr. Leman: You know, you don’t have to walk very far to find a smart mouthed kid these days. You’ll find them in schools. You’ll find them on a playground. This is so difficult to say to you parents. You may even find them in your home. You know, kids today view themselves as social equals. They don’t really see authority in a proper manner. Parents, quite frankly, don’t act in authority. They tend to be permissive and then they swing to authoritarian. We’ll discuss that one at another time, but the point is is that these kids know where you are, how you operate. I’ll tell you, they can pull your chain. The question is, when your child is really smart mouth to you, ask yourself this question. What was the purpose of nature of that? Was it to show you that he or she is the boss, that they want to simply just dis your authority?

Dr. Leman: It could be, but the point is, words hurt and you don’t have to just come back immediately. If you do, you engage in fighting. Remember, fighting is an act of what? Cooperation. After the hurtful words, go about your business. I’m telling you, I don’t care if your kid is six or 16, it’s going to be a very short period of time when they come to you and say, “Mommy, would you get me this?” Or, “Mom, can I go over to John’s house?” Maybe they’re driving the car. “Hey dad, can I take the car?” Well, a simply dosage of vitamin N will get your son or daughter’s attention. What does that mean? A simple, “No. I don’t feel like getting you anything right now.” “Honey, no, you can’t take the car.” Turn your back. Walk away.

Dr. Leman: Now, again, do not engage in battle. You have gold in your back pocket, parents, okay? I call this parental poker. You have four aces in your back pocket as well. You don’t have to always play those cards, you just have to have the assurance that those cards are there. Quite frankly, your kid wouldn’t have underwear on right now if you didn’t buy it for him. Who’s kidding who? You are in full authority over your children.

Dr. Leman: Now, here’s the fun part, I think. They’re going to dig. They’re going to say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You always let me go to John’s house. You always let me do this.” Let them really squirm and figure out that maybe what they said an hour and a half earlier was very inappropriate. Don’t tell them right off the bat. Again, let them sort of guess and figure it out. Finally, he or she will figure it out. “Oh, I’m sorry about what I said this morning.” “Well, honey, I’m glad you could say you’re sorry. That’s really important.” “Well, can I take the car now?” “No, but we’ll revisit that another day.” That’s Straight Talk from the good old Dr. Leman. I’m telling you, this stuff works.

Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Here’s my question. For the grandparents that are not in that dire of a situation but we do have the classic, “Truly the parents are super permissive and when they come over to my house, my grandparents just are out of control. I don’t agree with their parenting style. What do I do when I have them in my house for five hours or maybe overnight? What do I do with their unruly behavior?”

Dr. Leman: Well the simple sentence is, “Honey, in our home we don’t do that,” works, whether it’s putting your feet on the furniture or whatever. Here’s the interesting thing that I’ve observed over the years, Doug and Andrea, that kids can go from one environment to another with a completely different set of rules and they adjust to it. Grandparents, don’t lower your expectations for your grandchildren. I would tell you, when the grandchildren come over, okay, have fun. Do a little thought about, “Hey, what could we do with … grandkids are coming over.” Maybe your kids have said, “Hey, we want to take off for a weekend. Would you take the kids for a weekend?” “Okay, we’d be glad to.”

Dr. Leman: Well, rather than just sit around grandma and grandpa’s house, which a lot of grandparents are very comfortable in doing, plan a couple things. In fact, asking your grandchild’s opinion of, “Honey, would each of you give grandma and grandpa one idea of things you think might be fun for all of us to do this coming weekend? I know you’re coming over Friday night and you’re going to be here til Saturday late, so come up with a couple things and grandma … grandpa and I will talk about it and we’ll figure something out,” so that time with your grandchildren is meaningful and you can have a fun time together.

Doug: The recommendation is make it fun when they do come over and keep your standards going, that they will adjust to being at your house with whatever standards-

Dr. Leman: They will.

Doug: You have.

Dr. Leman: They will adjust to whatever your expectations are.

Doug: When I think about when we have some of our nieces and nephews come over, they do adapt to our behavior.

Andrea: Yeah.

Doug: It is interesting. You’re right. Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. You might hear a frog in our background. We have a frog in our garage that we cannot find. If you hear something croaking-

Dr. Leman: I love it.

Doug: If you hear something croaking, it’s not Andrea.

Andrea: No, it’s not.

Doug: It’s actually a frog.

Dr. Leman: Okay, people, Doug and Andrea are hillbillies. You remember the old hillbillies? The Beverly Hillbillies-

Doug: Oh, come on-

Dr. Leman: These are Oregon hillbillies.

Doug: Come on.

Dr. Leman: They got a frog in there.

Doug: We can’t find it. We’ve been looking for like a week.

Dr. Leman: You know why-

Doug: It tells you how cluttered our garage is.

Dr. Leman: You know what the frog said? He said, “Pardon me, I have a man in my throat.”

www.birthorderguy.com. Used by permission.

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Solomon: Good Advice from a Bad Dad

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

King Solomon penned Psalm 127. He was not the model father. 

 

God dubbed made the flamboyant monarch the wisest man on earth. When you read Psalm 127, you’ll notice that it’s a paradox. Solomon blends his sagely gift and his stint as the ultimate dysfunctional father.

 

In a way, Solomon lived every man’s dream … he married seven hundred trophy wives and kept three hundred sexy concubines on the side. That much estrogen in one place must have driven him to distraction!

 

We know the super-king was, at best, savvy and street-smart. At his worst, Solomon was jaded and cynical. Regardless of your opinion of King Solomon, he had definitely been around the block, and he had learned a thing or two.

 

BUILD YOUR LIFE ON GOD

 

“Unless the Lord builds the house” Psalm 127a.” How would you like to have the Creator of the Universe as your architect? This house represents a life designed by God. Every room, every hallway is custom-made by the Creator.

 

“Unless the Lord builds” is a conditional clause in the Hebrew language. If God doesn’t lay the foundation, your home will collapse.

 

My father was a contractor. When he retired, he built a modest home in a new suburban development. Hotel-like mansions popped up around them shortly after they moved. Each showplace was replete with Porsches, country-club wives and 2.5 preppy children. Two years later, every elegant edifice had cracked foundations. You see, those wealthy buyers looked inside the homes but not underneath them.

My father, on the other hand, knew the soil in his neighborhood was sandy. Before he laid his home’s foundation, he poured concrete piers 150 feet beneath the surface.

 

Jaded Solomon said everything in life is vanity and vapor. Only the godly man or woman has deep roots.

 

Solomon’s Dad David wrote, “He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season. And its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:3).

 

When you cease to control your life, to stop renovating your relationships according your own specifications, the life you miraculously receive will be more gorgeous and grandiose than you imagined.

 

Give God, the Master-Contractor, the blueprints. Your house will stand.

 

LIVE PROTECTED

 

Psalm 127:1b says, “Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.”

 

Watchmen were always stationed on the walls of Jerusalem to detect the stealthy approach of all enemies, but even vigilant watchmen couldn’t protect Israel. Only God could.

 

One of my daughters died of heart failure. One was shot on the playground in a drive-by shooting (she lived). One was raped when she was a foreign exchange student in high school.

 

God’s watchful protection over my family was my only hope of peace and security. Fretting, fearing and stewing over your little problems is just vanity or “mist”.

 

Rest and relinquish control of your family. Trust God’s guardianship.

 

FOCUS YOUR PRIORITIES

 

“It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for He give to His beloved sleep.” Psalm 127:2

 

Do you feel you have stepped on the hamster wheel of life and can’t get off? This verse describes the dilemma of the early bird and the night owl whose high-energy workaholism snuffs them out or burns them to a crisp in a few years.

 

Some of us are driven because we falsely believe that our identity lies in productivity. We race around at a frenetic pace because we don’t want to process pain or loss, so we mask it, causing empty lives and shallow relationships.

 

Remember Jesus’ promise about the lilies of the field and the birds of the air in Matthew 6:28? If God feeds and clothes them, how much more will He feed and clothe you!

 

I started graduate school the day after my baby daughter died in my arms from heart failure and suffocation. After she died, I busied myself to mask my broken heart. But God longed for me to stay still long enough to receive His comfort, to process my grief and to discover His direction for my life.

 

Let’s talk about the “bread of anxious toil.” Is Solomon depicting the poor guy who mans the night shift at Taco Bell? Working for food? If I have to work more than fifteen minutes to prepare a meal, I feel violated. But in biblical times, an average person’s day revolved around gathering and preparing food for the family. Solomon wrote in Proverbs 31:15 “She (the righteous woman) gets up while it is still dark and provides food for her family.” That’s still a good idea. It’s the only time Walmart is not packed with people.

 

Live to work; don’t work to live. That’s unnecessary, anxious toil.

 

REST AND LISTEN

 

“It is vain to rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for He gives to His beloved sleep.” Psalm 127:2

 

Have you ever thought of sleep as a gift? Symbolically, it means God the Father wants to teach you the rest you can experience by trusting in Him.

 

Hebrews 4:9 “There remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from His own work just as God did from His.” The verse that follows is surprising—“The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

 

When we rest and listen to God, His Word helps us to understand who we are in Him. When you are in the throes of a big decision—and the car salesman or stockbroker demands an answer, the wise person will often say, “I’ll sleep on it.”

 

Sleep gives us clarity and perspective. Sleep restores and rejuvenates us. Sleep is a gift. Neurologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology conducted a study on sleep deprivation where several graduate students were kept awake for two consecutive weeks. At the end of the insomnia fest, all of the subjects were showing schizophrenic symptoms. Sleep is essential for our well-being.

 

Stop squirming and start resting.

 

ENJOY YOUR FAMILY

 

“Sons are a heritage from the Lord: the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127:3. Solomon teaches that children are a gift from Him.

 

Sarah, Rachel and Hannah all prayed to have sons. Childless widows in the Bible were pictured as helpless and destitute. A man’s sons were his social security. They tilled the land and carried on the family name. They nursed Mom and Dad in their twilight years. The heritage of the family was entrusted to them. Heritage implies an identity, a culture, a set of values, and a lifestyle.

 

A close family is a precious treasure. Make memories. Teach values.

 

“Like arrows in the hands of warriors are the sons of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them.” Psalm 127:4 Solomon teaches in verse 4 that children are like a warrior’s arrows. Everyone used arrows in ancient times. Warriors drew their bows to stop aggressors. Hunters wielded bows and arrows to kill prey and feed their families. Arrows were carefully designed to hit the target. A hunter’s crooked arrow could cost him his life.

 

Today, a person who lives a lifestyle of uncompromising integrity is a “straight arrow.” Adult children who lead lives that are focused and effective bring joy to their parents. Parents who have carefully invested in the lives of their children will be happy and fulfilled when they “shoot their arrows” into society and watch them soar successfully.

 

LAUNCH THEM TO LEAD

 

 They will not be put to shame when they speak with their enemies at the gate. “Sitting at the town gate was an ancient custom first mentioned in Genesis. Judges sat at the city gate to solve domestic disputes, forge contracts and make treaties.

 

Lot, the lukewarm judge, tried cases at the city gate. Obviously, Lot didn’t stem the tide of decadence and immorality in his hometown. God had to fry the city to a crisp and turn Lot’s wife into a saltine because of the depravity of the Sodomites and “Gomorrahites!”

 

Conversely, Moses became a great judge. Moses’ father-in-law Jethro advised him to delegate some of his governance to trusted leaders of each tribe. Moses heeded Jethro and appointed judges to help lead the wandering Jews. Deft negotiators kept the peace by practicing diplomacy among warring tribes and nations.

 

If the judges were savvy arbitrators, if they were honest, then the people enjoyed peace. If the ambassadors were corrupt or capricious, the community’s safety and prosperity were compromised.

 

Launch your children to lead wisely and faithfully.

 

Heed Solomon’s words. Build your family on a firm foundation. Find and follow God’s plan. Rest and enjoy the precious time you have together. Lead and launch your children to navigate the seas of life successfully.

 

 

 

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I Can’t Measure Up to the Proverbs 31 Woman!

by Lysa TerKeurst
written by Lysa TerKeurst

Do you ever get that sinking feeling of not quite measuring up at the mention of the Proverbs 31 woman?

Me too.

I remember when I first read this chapter many years ago as a young wife and mom. I thought the Proverbs 31 woman was overwhelmingly perfect.

And as I’ve walked through a season of extreme hardship in my marriage over the last few years, I’ve found myself not just intimidated by Proverbs 31 but defeated by this wife whose marriage seems full of praises. Even good marriages don’t always have such shiny realities.

That’s why my heart feels especially tender toward those who would rather skip over Proverbs chapter 31. I know what it’s like to have these words sit heavy on your heart with a resounding declaration of “not enough.”

But what if I told you that the heart behind Proverbs 31:10-31 is one of celebration, not condemnation?

The first thing I want us to take note of is that this isn’t just a chapter about a wife of noble character, despite how your Bible titles verses 10-31. It’s a chapter about a woman of valor. A courageous woman. A woman of strength and dignity.

In Jewish culture, these verses are read out loud on the Sabbath as a celebration over the women. This is in no way condemning what they aren’t but celebrating how they are, in their own unique expressions, living out the virtues detailed in this chapter. These aren’t words meant to tell a woman she is supposed to be more. They are a celebration of who she is.

Isn’t that the way it should be?

Courageous women celebrating each other … and those they love celebrating them? All under the banner of honoring God, serving out of love, and smiling at the future. Yes, this is why I love Proverbs 31 and rejoice that our ministry is named after such uplifting Scriptures.

I also love how Proverbs 31:30 reminds us of what’s truly worth celebrating: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Notice it’s not a woman with a spotless house who is to be praised. It’s not the mom with perfectly behaved children wearing matching, designer outfits. Honestly, it’s not even the woman who’s married and has children.

A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. This isn’t an “I’m afraid of God” kind of fear. This type of fear refers to having a heart completely in awe of God. It describes a woman who honors God by seeking Him in everything she does and trusting Him wholeheartedly with her life. She has a heart of reverence that overflows into a life of spiritual maturity and wisdom.

And let’s not forget to look at today’s verses within the context of why God gave us this book of the Bible. The very first chapter of Proverbs tells us it exists so we can gain wisdom, instruction, understanding, insight, knowledge, discretion and guidance (as seen in Proverbs 1:1-7). Proverbs 2:1-5 goes on to remind us that as we receive and apply God’s commands, we’ll be able to understand how to find the knowledge of the Lord.

Wisdom is both a gift from God and a process of learning. And Proverbs 2:10 tells us the benefit of this kind of wisdom: It will be pleasant to your soul as it enters your heart.

I know this is a passage of Scripture that can easily trip us up. But what if we take God at His Word and choose to believe these words hold good and pleasant things for us? What if we challenge ourselves to look at Proverbs 31 closely — to see which part of it is a gift to us and which verses we need to learn from? What if we speak these words over ourselves and the other women in our lives as a form of celebration instead of condemnation?

God tucked these words into His Word for all eternity, sweet friends. And that tells me they are needed and meant for our good. Let’s ask Him to help us learn from them today.

Father God, thank You for this beautiful picture You painted in the pages of Scripture. Help me receive these words from You as a gift. Help me hear them spoken over my own life with Your voice of love. And show me how to live them out, according to the unique way You purposefully designed me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY

Proverbs 31:25, “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” (NIV)

RELATED RESOURCES

Is there any part of your life that isn’t turning out the way you thought it would? Find the scriptural encouragement and help you need with Lysa TerKeurst’s newest book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. Order here today.

With Mother’s Day and graduation just around the corner, take time to remind those closest to you of their identity in Christ with products from our Spring Celebrations collection. Find gifts with meaning and purpose during this season of celebrating. Head to p31bookstore.com, to find the perfect gift.

www.proverbs31.org.  Used by permission. 

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Will We Have Our Own Homes in Heaven?

by Randy Alcorn
written by Randy Alcorn

Perhaps you’re familiar with Christ’s promise in John 14: “In my Father’s house are many mansions. . . . I go to prepare a place for you” (v. 2, KJV). The Vulgate, the Latin Bible, used the word mansiones in that verse, and the King James Version followed by using mansions. Unfortunately, that rendering is misleading if it makes us envision having massive lodgings on separate estates. The intended meaning seems to be that we’ll have separate dwelling places on a single estate or even separate rooms within the same house.

New Testament scholar D. A. Carson says, “Since heaven is here pictured as the Father’s house, it is more natural to think of ‘dwelling-places’ within a house as rooms or suites. . . . The simplest explanation is best: my Father’s house refers to heaven, and in heaven are many rooms, many dwelling-places. The point is not the lavishness of each apartment, but the fact that such ample provision has been made that there is more than enough space for every one of Jesus’ disciples to join him in his Father’s home.” [1]

The New International Version rendering of John 14:2 is this: “In my Father’s house are many rooms. . . . I am going there to prepare a place for you.” Placeis singular, but rooms is plural. This suggests Jesus has in mind for each of us an individual dwelling that’s a smaller part of the larger place. This place will be home to us in the most unique sense.

The term room is cozy and intimate. The terms house or estate suggest spaciousness. That’s Heaven: a place both spacious and intimate. Some of us enjoy coziness, being in a private space. Others enjoy a large, wide-open space. Most of us enjoy both—and the New Earth will offer both.

Heaven isn’t likely to have lots of identical residences. God loves diversity, and He tailor-makes His children and His provisions for them. When we see the particular place He’s prepared for us—not just for mankind in general but for us in particular—we’ll rejoice to see our ideal home.

When you’re traveling late at night and you don’t know where you’re going to stay, nothing’s more discouraging than finding a No Vacancy sign. There’s no such sign in Heaven. If we’ve made our reservations by accepting God’s gift in Christ, then Heaven is wide open to us. Jesus knew what it was like to have no vacancy in the inn and to sleep in a barn. On the New Earth, He’ll have plenty of room for all of us.

I live in Oregon. When I’ve flown home from overseas and landed in New York, I feel I’ve come “home,” meaning I’m in my home country. Then when I land in Oregon, I’m more home. When I come to my hometown, everything looks familiar. Finally, when I arrive at my house, I’m really home. But even there I have a special room or two. Scripture’s various terms—New Earth, country, city, place, and rooms—involve such shades of meaning to the word home.

Nanci and I love our home. When we’re gone long enough, we miss it. It’s not just the place we miss, of course—it’s family, friends, neighbors, church. Yet the place offers the comfort of the routine, the feel of the bed, the books on the shelf. It’s not fancy, but it’s home. When our daughters were young, our family spent two months overseas visiting missionaries in six different countries. It was a wonderful adventure, but three days before the trip ended, our hearts turned a corner, and home was all we could think of.

Our love for home, our yearning for it, is a glimmer of our longing for our true home.

www.epm.org. Used by permission.

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Ask Roger

My Biblical Checklist for Suffering

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

I woke up in Hell. Really. It was that hot. Open heart surgery was finished and my thirteen-year-old body was racked with pain. It’s easier today. Open the chest and cut the sternum from stem to stern, operate and wire it back together. Pain is intense but bearable. A little tube in your nose provides oxygen. Not then. Not like that.

 

My chest was cut open wide and a spreader with a crank pushed apart my ribs. Septum ripped. Fourteen inches of cut takes a lot of stitches to close. No easy oxygen tube in my nose. I was in an oxygen tent. Above my right ear was a boiler of some sort producing oxygen that flowed into the tent. Morphine didn’t touch the pain. The oxygen boiler never ceased sizzling.

 

I told Jesus that if this agony was anything like His suffering on the cross I wanted never to forget it. Looking back, I knew my agony had a purpose; I knew my life was changed forever. I knew enough about the Bible to know that God uses experiences like this to mold us to look more like Jesus.

 

Five days later Dr. Mitchell sat on my hospital bed and said, “We made a mistake. I held your heart in the palm of my hand and cut it open to find the hole. But, there was no hole. I put your heart back in and sewed you up. You have a perfect heart.” Well, not really. The scar tissue compromises my heart to this very day.

 

My daughter Jessie suffered for nine months until Jesus finally spirited her to her Heavenly mansion. I was in shock. I denied what was happening. I got depressed. I grieved. I got angry. I went through all the stages of loss until months and months later I finally reached a peaceful resolution.

 

Now, I wanted to know why.

 

On the basis of James 1:5 I believed that He’d tell me.

 

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

 

Early in my ministry I put together a Biblical checklist to help me to understand why I was suffering. At that time my check list had only three things to check.

 

1. Is This Suffering Punishment for a Sin I’ve Committed?

 

A father’s sins can be passed on to their children to the fourth generation (Exodus 20:5-6).

 

I thought of my many sins. If God wanted to punish me with a dying daughter, He had plenty of justification. But, I sensed the calm, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit whisper from deep within, “No, this is not punishment for sin.”

 

2. Is It Time To Die?

 

I watched Dad die. He was 85 and full of lymphoma. No one lives forever. It was time to die.

 

The day will come when our lives will be closed like a book and the last chapter written. Then, thank God, we have faith to know that He will lead us into glory.

 

I asked God, “Is Jessie’s sickness unto death?”

“Yes.”

 

By the way, shortly after Jessie was born, a woman approached me and said, “If you just had enough faith your daughter would be healed.” She was well meaning but ignorant. It is not always God’s will to heal. Sometimes it is time to die.

 

3. Is This Suffering Designed To Bring God Glory?

 

Before Jesus healed the man born blind, His disciples asked Him “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (John 9:2).

 

Jesus responded, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned; but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life” (John 9:3).

 

God receives glory from the way we respond in the midst of our difficulties. When we murmur, complain, gripe and get angry at God, there is not much glory to see. But, let us live out Philippians 4: 10-13—and be content in every circumstance because Jesus Christ is pouring in the power—then God’s glory is displayed for all to see.

 

“Lord, is the purpose of Jessie’s sickness so that You can receive glory?”

 

Very quietly, deep in my innermost spirit, I heard Him reply, “Yes, Roger, do you know how much it hurts to have a little baby who cannot grow up physically?”

“Yes, Lord, it’s is like a sharp pain and a dull ache all rolled into one.”

Then, God said, “Roger, Jessie’s short life is designed and accomplished so that you might have a tiny-little taste of how I feel when one of My born-again children refuses to grow up. The greatest tragedy in Christianity is the Believer who refuses to grow up.”

God continued, “Jessie’s life was designed to focus your heart on helping baby Christians grow up to be spiritual mothers and fathers. I hope God has received much glory from these maturing Christians.

 

The checklist in my early ministry had only three questions. I’ve added others over the years.

 

4. Is This Sickness The Result Of The Fallen World In Which We Live?

 

The fall of Adam introduced sickness, colds, cancer, rape, accidents, pinched sciatic nerves, wars and death. These are realities of our fallen world.

 

The first teenager I buried was driving home when a drunk driver crossed the median and killed him. I have a hard time saying that his death was God’s will. Accordingly to a Biblical world view, this was an accidental occurrence in a broken world.

 

5. Is This Trial The Result Of Some Spiritual Battle In The Spirit Realm?

 

Job endured horrible tragedies and sicknesses. He suffered because of the battle taking place between God and Satan in the spiritual realm. Job was just a suffering pawn in the chess match of Heaven (Job 1-2). Unfortunately, he never figured that out.

 

Paul encouraged us to be on guard against the devices of Satan: “. . . in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes” (2 Corinthians 2:11). Fortunately, as we mature spiritually we learn to see through Satan’s schemes so that we may fight with him on his own ground and win (Ephesians 6:10-17).

 

6. Is This Suffering Designed To Mold Me To Look More Like Jesus?

 

Two of my high school friends were hurt in a devastating car wreck returning home from the lake. Shortly after I arrived the surgeon came out to inform both sets of parents that one boy would survive and the other was going to die. Unfortunately, their billfolds were in the glove compartment at the time of the accident. Both were wearing swim suits.

 

Fortunately, Romans 8:28 assures us that all will turn out well:

 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, …”

 

But, at that moment Romans 8:28 didn’t seem quite right. All four parents loved God—but, for one set of parents—things were not going to work out well at all. I kept my mouth shut and decided to sort out this passage later.

 

I understood when I read verse 29. God never promised that everything would always turn out well for those who love Jesus. He promised that all things worked together for the good purpose of maturing us to look more like Jesus. We can never understand the “good” in verse 28 until we incorporate it with verse 29:

 

“All things work together for good for those who love God who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son …”

 

Miles Stanford wrote:

 

The open secret of healthy spiritual growth is to know and settle upon this fact as set forth in Romans 8:28-29. When we see that all things are working together to make us more and more like the Lord Jesus, we will not be frustrated and upset when some of these “things” are hard, difficult to understand, and often contain an element of death. We will be able to rest in our Lord Jesus and say to our Father, “Thy will be done.” And our constant attitude of faith will be: “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15). This is our matriculation to spiritual maturity” (Miles Stanford; Principles of Spiritual Growth).

 

7. Is This Suffering The Result Of Following Christ?

 

Jesus concluded the Beatitudes with a warning:

 

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you” (Matthew 5:11-12).

 

Paul viewed suffering for Jesus as a treasured pleasure: “For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him . . .  (Philippians 1:29).

 

My wife Julie and I teach often in the Middle East. The stories of suffering we hear from some of our Christian friends in closed countries like Uzbecistan or Tajikistan curl my toes.

One friend was called in by the secret police to reveal the names of other Christians in their country. He was interrogated and tortured yet refused to divulge names. Finally, a curtain drew back and through the one-way glass he saw his wife tied to a chair with four men lurking near by.

 

“Tell us their names or they’ll take turns raping your wife.” He refused. Later both were released.

 

8. Is This Suffering The Result Of Doing Good?

 

Peter wrote in 1 Peter 3:17: “It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.”

 

My father worked as an airline vice-president overseeing finances for over forty years. New management threw him out on his ear. Dad was angry and confused. He confided, “Some day when Larry (the new CEO) is burning in Hell and God tells me to dip my finger in the water and bring him a drop, I am not going to do it.” Dad was so hurt and angry.

 

Two years later FBI agents knocked on his door and invited themselves in. They wanted to know about some transactions that occurred after my dad left the company. The Feds had discovered a secret slush fund illegally siphoning money to President Nixon’s reelection campaign fund. My dad was a man of integrity—and the new management knew that he would never go along with the deception.

 

Dad said that best day of his life was the day he was dismissed: “With all the pressure I was under, I would never have reached 65 if I hadn’t gotten out of there.” At sixty he started his own accounting business. At 65 he decided it was time to work in the morning and play golf in the afternoon. When he reached 70 he decided to close down the accounting business and just play golf. He suffered for doing good.

 

9. Is This Suffering Intended To Keep Me From Future Sin?

 

Sometimes it is! Think about Paul’s thorn:

 

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’” (2 Corinthians 12:7).

 

I love Portria Nelson’s “An Autobiography In Five Short Chapters”:

 

Chapter One: I walk down the street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two: I walk down the street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three: I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It is a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get our immediately.

Chapter Four: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five: I walk down a different street.

 

10. Is This Suffering Designed To Increase My Faith and God Dependence?

 

Jesus engineered a three and one-half year training program for His disciples aimed at increasing their God dependence. The storm on the Sea of Galilee was part of the training:

 

Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. (Matthew 8:23-26).

 

Philippians 4:13 was my dad’s favorite Bible passage: “I can do all things through Christ who give me the strength.”

 

He was in great shape at eighty-four when the lymphoma hit. The doctors tried numerous drugs with little success. The last try was an experimental drug. In December I took dad to his doctor for an update.

“

Well, Roger,” the doctor said to dad, “the new drug’s not working. We might as well stop using it.”

“OK, what are we going to try next?”

“There is no next. There is nothing more we can do.”

I watched my dad react as he heard that his life was over: “How long do I have?”

“Three months or less.”

He bowed his head and shook it softly back and forth: “Well then, I guess this is it.”

I rolled him in his wheelchair passed the nurses’ station that we’d never pass again.

After a while he spoke, “Well, Osh (He called me “Osh”; it was my little boy nickname.), “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

 

I Have No Illusions About My Checklist. Sometimes, I’m Still Left Wondering Why? After All, God Does Have His Secrets.

 

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Corinthians 13:12).

 

I enjoy those passages when Christ had to admit, “I don’t know everything!”

The disciples asked, “When will your coming be?” Jesus was forced to say, “I don’t know.”

 

Once upon a time I listened to Calvin Miller tell a “once upon a time” story the about a traveler who saw a monastery in the dim, rainy mist. He knocked on the door and when the abbot answered, he asked, “May I come in?”

 

The abbot said, “Not only may you come in, you may eat with us.” The traveler had a wonderful evening, safe, dry, well fed, and warm. Because the weather was so bad, the monks invited him to spend the night. He agreed on the basis that they supply him with several things. “What is it that you want?” they asked.

 

“If I spend the night, I must have a pound of butter, a pair of rubber pants, a poker, a cricket bat, and a bass saxophone.” It was an unusual request; nevertheless, they scurried around the monastery and found them all. As they went to sleep that night, the monks heard an awesome progression of half tones and squeaks and squawks coming from the traveler’s room.

 

The weather continued badly so they asked him to stay another night. He agreed, but only if they again supplied him with a pound of butter, a pair of rubber pants, a poker, a cricket bat, and a bass saxophone. Again, they heard those awful noises emanating from his bedroom.

 

Finally, it was time for him to leave. The old abbot walked him to the door and said, “We were glad to supply all of those things, but if you don’t mind, would you mind telling me why you wanted them?”

 

The traveler said, “Well, it is a family secret that’s been in my family for years. But, if you promise not to tell another living soul, I’ll tell you.”

 

So, he told the abbot, and the abbot, being a man of his word, never told another living soul.

 

When we follow Christ we are often are forced to live with mystery. If Jesus cannot answer it all, neither can we. We wait in darkness; and, one day, by faith, God will give light in the next life.

 

Fortunately, We Are Never Abandoned In Our Sufferings. God Knows Exactly Where We Are And What Is Going On.

 

“When my spirit grows faint within me,

it is you who know my way.” (Psalm 142:3)

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold” (Job 23:10). 

And surely I am with you always, even to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

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Articles

6 Tech Habits Changing the American Home

by David Kinnaman
written by David Kinnaman

Parents today believe it is harder than ever to raise children. The number-one reason? Technology.

That’s a key finding at the heart of The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place, a new book by Andy Crouch. Two years ago, as we dreamed of partners for upcoming book and research projects, Crouch was at the top of our list. Crouch—a leading cultural commentator, one-of-a-kind speaker, senior communication strategist at John Templeton Foundation and former executive editor of Christianity Today—shares a different side of himself in this book: a dad who, alongside his wife, Catherine, has learned firsthand the challenges and rewards of engaging with technology intentionally (or sparingly) as a family. This book combines Crouch’s clear and incisive thinking with original Barna research among parents, who are feeling the tensions of parenting in a digital age.

In this sneak peek of The Tech-Wise Family, we look at some of the top revelations about how parents and kids relate to their devices and to each other.

Monitoring Technology Makes Parenting Even More Difficult
It’s a complex, rapidly changing world, and parents today are feeling it. Nearly eight in 10 parents (78%) believe that they have a more complicated job in raising their kids today than their parents did raising them. Technology is the number one reason parents believe it is harder than ever to raise children. Beyond that, parents seem to most often identify issues that feel beyond their control and that are global in scope: a more dangerous world or a lack of a common morality. The consequences of these difficulties feel dire and so, perhaps, scare parents more than local or personal factors such as finances, bullying at school or high academic pressures.

 

Life Truly Happens in the Living Room
Most families do almost everything together in their family or living room. Two-thirds of parents (65%) say they spend the most time as a family in this space, with the kitchen coming in as the preferred second space. Entertainment, leisure and creativity all overlap in this space—likely contributing to a presence of technology within all of these activities. Families are most often participating in leisure or entertainment activities in the family room (79%), but it’s also the place where families say their creative activities happen (51%).

 

“Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep … with My Smartphone”
When they do go to bed, most people take their phones with them. A full seven in 10 parents say they sleep with their phone next to them. Alarmingly, parents say their kids are even more likely to take their phones to bed: More than eight in 10 parents of teens (82%) say their child takes their phone to bed and more than seven in ten parents of preteens (72%) say the same. And when that phone is right next to you, it’s tempting to reach for it when you wake up: 62 percent of parents say checking their phone is the first thing they do in the morning. What are they doing on their phone while they rub away the cobwebs of sleep? Most check their email (74%). Social media (48%), news (36%) and calendar organization (24%) also vie for their attention. Less than one in five (17%) are using a Bible or devotional app.

 

Parents Might Limit Kids’ Device Usage—But Don’t Eliminate It
Children are spending an average of five hours on an electronic device (tablet, phone, computer, etc.) every day. Even at this amount, most parents say they are limiting the amount of time their kids spend on electronic devices (60%). Millennial parents—perhaps because they have younger children or perhaps because they are more likely to be immersed in and therefore experiencing their own angst around electronic usage—are more likely (73%) than Gen-Xer (57%) or Boomer parents (57%) to limit their children’s time on electronic devices. Limiting time seems more popular than eliminating the devices: Most kids have phones. Nearly nine in 10 parents with teenagers (88%) say their teen has a phone and just under half of parents with preteens (48%) say their child does.

 

What The Research Means
“Technology is literally everywhere in our homes—not only the devices in our pockets but the invisible electromagnetic waves that flood our homes,” writes Andy Crouch in his new book The Tech-Wise Family, written in partnership with original Barna research. “This change has come about overnight, in the blink of an eye in terms of human history and culture. When previous generations confronted the perplexing challenges of parenting and family life, they could fall back on wisdom, or at least old wives’ tales, that had been handed down for generations. But the pace of technological change has surpassed anyone’s capacity to develop enough wisdom to handle it. We are stuffing our lives with technology’s new promises, with no clear sense of whether technology will help us keep the promises we’ve already made.

“If we don’t learn to put technology, in all its forms, in its proper place, we will miss out on many of the best parts of life in a family,” continues Crouch. “Figuring out the proper place for technology in our particular family and stage of life requires discernment rather than a simple formula. But almost anything is better than letting technology overwhelm us with its default settings, taking over our lives and stunting our growth in the ways that really matter. And I think there are some things that are true at every stage of life:

“Technology is in its proper place when it helps us bond with the real people we have been given to love,” insists Crouch. “Technology is in its proper place when it starts great conversations; when it helps us take care of the fragile bodies we inhabit; when it helps us acquire skills and mastery of domains that are the glory of human culture (sports, music, the arts, cooking, writing, accounting; the list could go on and on). Technology is in its proper place when it helps us cultivate awe for the created world we are part of and responsible for stewarding. Technology is in its proper place only when we use it with intention and care.”

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Ask Roger

What Happens to America in the End Times?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

What happens to America in the end times?

Sincerely, Peter

Dear Peter,

The quick and simple answer is that no one knows. However, there are some Biblical and political possibilities.

Let me begin by listing for you the major predictive passages in the Bible. The Book of Revelation promises a blessing to those who read and understand these prophetic truths. Daniel relates in the final chapter of his book that God will open up the prophetical books at the end times so that those with wisdom can discern what is coming.

The primary predictive passages are Ezekiel 37-39, Daniel 2 and 7-12; Matthew 24-25; 1 Thessalonians 4:13-5:11; 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12; and Revelation 4-22.
I see at least three possibilities for what happens to the United States in the end times. First, America is not even around for the end times. The average lifespan of large, significant Kingdom or national empires is about 300 years. Most of them fall apart because of military action from their neighbors other by collapsing from the inside as evidenced by a loss of any one or more of the following factors: values and morals; a collapsing of the fabric of their society; using up natural resources; changes in weather patterns; as well as a deteriorating relationship with their trade partners—among other equally significant factors .You can decide for yourself whether or not you think America will exist as a nation much longer based on these factors.

By the way, most cultures go through three-recurring-generational cycles before finally breaking down. These cycles occur multiple times through the Biblical book of Judges. The first generation fights the battles. The second generation enjoys the benefits. The third generation gives it all back again. The cycle then repeats.

Second, if America is still in existence in the final days, she may align herself with the nations united from the territories of the old Roman Empire. These aligned nations will be led by the Antichrist to invade Israel immediately after he inviolates the peace treaty he signed with Israel just three and one-half years earlier. If America has commitments pledging her allegiance and assistance to the nations of Europe—and keeps them—she will most likely meet her doom at the Battle of Armageddon.

Finally, Revelation 12:13-17 has an oblique reference to an “eagle” which saves Israel from destruction by the devil. Since the eagle is the national bird of the United States, some postulate that this eagle saving the woman is a symbolic picture of the U.S. stepping in to protect Israel at the commencement of the Battle of Armageddon. The characters in Revelation 12 are identified from the easy to decipher descriptions of each in the following verses I have identified with parenthesis the participants in the action above.

When the dragon (Satan) saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman (Israel) who had given birth to the male child (Jesus). The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle (the United States?), so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the desert, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent’s reach. Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring — those who obey God’s commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus.

Well, Peter, while no one knows with any degree of certainty the answer to your question, I hope I have given you some options to consider.

Love, Roger

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Articles

Parenting: Train Up a Parent

by Trevin Wax
written by Trevin Wax

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.&“Train up a child.” Rarely is a proverb so often quoted and so often misunderstood. It has become the slogan of parenting seminars. It gets referenced as a surefire promise – a divine reward for our toil and sweat as parents.

Young parents latch onto the proverb with the hope that their training will ensure the faithfulness of their children. Older parents feel the proverb’s implicit judgment, weary from watching a child or two depart from “the way,” and wondering whether their children’s disobedience points backward to their own failure in “training.”

I feel the weightiness of this proverb – first, as a parent who wants to see my kids love God and love others, and secondly, as an editor who works on resources involved in training children to worship the God who sent His Son to rescue them from sin. At home and at work, I am involved in “training” children in the way they should go, “teaching” them according to their way.

Unfortunately, some interpretations of this verse miss both the genre of the proverb in general and the meaning of this proverb in particular. And getting this proverb wrong leads to wrongheaded conclusions about parenting, training, and the hearts of our kids.

Proverbs, Not Promises

The first problem for some interpreters of this verse is to forget that the proverbs are just that – proverbs. They are general truths about the way the world normally works, not specific promises that encompass every possible situation. Some proverbs talk about hard work paying off and laziness leading to poverty. That’s generally true, of course, but the proverb genre assumes exceptions. You may know hard-working people trapped in cycles of poverty or lazy people with inherited wealth.

To interpret Proverbs 22:6 as a promise without exceptions is to misread the genre. Sometimes, you’ll find children who are faithful to the Lord – more faithful than their parents. In these cases, the “good outcome” did not depend on their parents’ training.

Other times, you’ll watch a child raised by godly parents go astray – an indication that all the training in the world cannot ensure a child’s faithfulness. Case in point: Jesus’ parable of the father with two sons, both of them lost in different ways. We know the prodigal eventually returned to the house, but when Jesus ended the story, the verdict was still out on the older brother. In both situations, we should not assume the father’s “inadequate training” was responsible for the elder brother’s stony heart or the younger brother’s rebellious deeds.

Meanwhile, it is all too easy for us to rely on our own visions of “training” as the silver bullet to a child’s heart.

In recent years, we’ve seen a growing consensus among many Christians that too much of our attention has been focused on getting kids to behave. Instead, we should emphasize grace and give kids the gospel. I’m grateful for this consensus. After all, there is no sense in teaching kids how to do good if we have failed to lead them to worship the only One who truly is good. We should never teach kids virtues apart from the Vine. As an editor, I want to make sure kids’ curriculum is not full of moralistic teaching (behavioral management), but the kind of biblical teaching that shows them Christ.

But what happens when you begin to rely on the “goodness” of your gospel-centered training, either as parents or church leaders, to ensure a desired outcome for your kids? Once again, we find ourselves relying on our own “training” as the primary driver in the change of a child’s heart, gospel-centered though that training may be.

Instead, we ought to recognize that all our efforts at “training children” in “the Way” need the power of the Spirit. We present God’s Word in its beauty and glory and then pray for the Spirit to soften hearts. We can put children in a posture to receive God’s saving grace, but our training is not to be confused with that grace. To switch the two – our training and God’s grace – is to put on ourselves a burden we cannot carry. 

Training Up a Child

The second misstep in interpreting this verse is getting the meaning right. The Hebrew is literally “initiate a child in accordance with his way.”

Now, this could mean one of two things. First, it could mean “direct a child in the way he should go” –emphasizing the direction one should take in life. To paraphrase: “set them down the right path and watch them go.” Secondly, it could mean “teach a child in accordance with his nature,” to meet them where they are and train them in age-appropriate ways.

My take on this passage is something a combination of the two. It’s focused on direction (otherwise, the second part of the proverb makes little sense), but the direction is specific – the way he should go. In other words, we are not giving children general training in holiness, but showing specifically how a child might utilize their own gifts and abilities in the fulfillment of their God-given vocation in life. To not “depart from it” means they will bear fruit as they walk the path God has assigned to them.

Training Up a Parent

The truth of Proverbs 22:6 should lead us to lean heavily on the Holy Spirit.

  • We need the illuminating work of the Spirit as we instill the truths of God’s Word in the hearts and minds of our children.
  • We need the sustaining work of the Spirit as we walk with our children through highs and lows, valleys and mountains, pointing them to God and His goodness at every turn.
  • We need the wisdom of the Spirit as we rely on His guidance to show us the best way to apply truths to children’s hearts.

In the general work of teaching them the ways of God and in the specific work of showing them how God might be calling them to particular avenues of obedience, we not only need to train; we need to be trained. There’s no sense in trying to train our kids to trust in God if what we model for them is that we trust in our training.

This proverb, placed in context of the whole Bible, is telling us that we should take our training of children seriously – both where we guide them and how we shepherd their hearts. But it’s also telling us to trust in the God who gave us this proverb, the God that all our training points to. In Him – not in our training – we place our hopes for our children.

thegospelcoalition.org/trevinwax/  Used by permission. 

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Articles

How to Fight Lust with Love

by Luke Gilkerson
written by Luke Gilkerson

This article was authored by Ben Driver, a guest contributor to Covenant Eyes.

When dealing with porn we need to look at the big picture and the little picture. We need to fight the small battles in order to win the war. Over the years I’ve become convinced that to win to war of lust we need to learn to live out the greatest and most important commandment of Christ: love. When we love God and love others we begin to win the war.

Love conquers lust. Porn teaches us a distorted view of love, intimacy, other people, and even God. Love teaches us to value our neighbors; porn teaches us to objectify them. Love teaches us to serve others; porn teaches us that others exist to serve us. Love teaches us that nothing matters more then knowing God; porn teaches us that nothing matters more then immediate temporary pleasure.

When we choose to love God and others, we choose to war against lust. But how do we fight in the daily battles? I believe this begins with love as well. Consider the concept of love as an acronym. We must fight with L.O.V.E.

L – Leave your sin.

If we ever want to see lust defeated in our lives, we must make the choice to leave our sin behind. Jesus often told people “Go, and sin no more.” Jesus calls us to the same. Have you made the choice to leave your sin?

We must make the choice to leave our sin every time the temptation strikes. The Bible tells us to flee from sexual immorality. Just like Joseph ran from Potiphar’s wife, we must run from our own temptations. Sometimes this means getting ourselves far from temptation before it even happens. Things like limiting your Internet access and Internet filtering are helpful tools here. Sometimes this means physically leaving when temptation strikes.

Go do something else. Ride your bike, cook a meal, call a friend, clean your house, just do something to leave the temptation. Leaving your sin is the first step to winning the battle.

O – Open yourself up to others.

Accountability is all about being open with others. It’s about following the Biblical commands to confess your sins and your struggles. Do you have someone who you can be honest with? If not, find someone. Just as we need to love our neighbors as ourselves, we need someone to love us enough to hold us accountable.

In the moment of temptation, one of the best things you can do is open up to someone else about your struggle. Hebrews 3:12-13 says, “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

In other words, one of the key ways we fight sin is by hearing the encouragement and exhortation of another. You need someone in your life to love you and to make sure you do not become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Sin thrives in the darkness so expose it to the light of love. The battle will never be one alone.

V – Value the right things.

What do you really value? Porn teaches us to value temporary pleasure. The pleasure of porn only lasts as long as the time spent viewing it. God offers something better and He invites us to value the right things.

In Matthew 5:29, Jesus commands us to value our eternity even more then our physical bodies. He says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.” Do you value freedom from this sin? We must make the choice to value the things of God.

E – Engage with God.

Jesus simply says in Matthew 5:8, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” The more we “see God” the more pure we become, and vice versa. The cycle of porn is one of shame and more impurity. The cycle of engaging with God is one of love and purity. Have you been engaging with God lately? To win the battles we must engage with God.

Make the choice to love. Win the war by fighting the battles. The amazing truth of God’s word is that God loves us even in spite of our sin. If we strive to love Him and others I’m convinced that the chains of lust will be broken. Let’s defeat lust with love!

Ben Driver, guest author, is the minister for the Bellevue Church of Christ in Bellevue, Ohio. He is passionate about Christians fulfilling the Great Commandment and the Great Commission. He cares deeply about the issue of pornography and wants to help others find freedom through Christ.

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Articles

Elijah: Navigating Your Wilderness

by Richard Blakaby
written by Richard Blakaby

Jesus said that the goal of every disciple is to bear much fruit. If we bear none, the vinedresser will remove us (John 15:2). If we bear some, He will prune us. The measure of our success as Jesus’ disciples lies in our fruitfulness.

That is why being in a spiritual wilderness is so frustrating. Wildernesses are dry, barren, and bleak. Little grows there. It can seem the antithesis of fruitfulness. Yet it seems that everyone, at some point in their life, finds themselves in a spiritual desert.

Some of the greatest leaders in the Bible spent prolonged periods in the wilderness. Elijah was there more than once (1 Kings 17:3; 19:3-4). Abraham yielded the lush plains to his nephew Lot while he dwelt in the desert (Genesis 13:10-13; 18). David, Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus all spent significant periods of time in the wilderness. It would seem that in some way, the path to their greatness led straight through a wilderness.

Elijah provides an interesting case study. The first time we meet him, he is boldly delivering a word from God to the evil king Ahab. No water would fall on Israel. This was devastating news to a king whose land depended on rainfall for its survival. But for the intervention of God, Elijah might never have escaped the royal palace with his life. In fact, God told His faithful servant to escape and hide by the Brook Cherith. Scholars are unsure exactly where that brook was. It may not have been in a desert, but it was in an isolated, barren place. The prophet’s only food was take out, delivered twice daily by ravens. Eventually the water from the brook dried up completely. It became a barren, uninhabitable land. But it was exactly where God told Elijah to be. That’s right. Elijah was perfectly faithful, yet God dispatched him to a wilderness. Sometimes we can be in the center of God’s will and be in a wilderness.

Conversely, three years later, Elijah won his greatest victory when he prayed down fire from heaven on Mount Carmel and defeated 850 prophets of Baal and Asherah. But then things went south. Queen Jezebel uttered dire threats to the lone prophet of God and he was uncharacteristically struck by fear. He ran for his life into the wilderness. Elijah dismissed his servant and travelled for 40 days until he ensconced himself in a cave on Mount Sinai. It was there that God found him and asked the penetrating question: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

This time Elijah was in a wilderness of his own choosing. God had not called him to the desert. God’s last instruction was to stand atop a mountain and win a glorious victory. Elijah chose a desert out of a lack of faith in God.

Elijah experienced two wilderness experiences in his life, one as a result of obeying God’s will, the other as a result of fleeing God’s will. In each case, God met him there and transformed his life. Elijah never left a wilderness the same way he entered it.

A wilderness is a solitary place. It is often quiet there, with few, if any distractions. While it can be lonely, it also allows us to focus, and to pray. It gives us perspective. It can be a place to indulge in a pity party or it can be a venue that solidifies our soul.

You may currently be residing in a spiritual wilderness. Perhaps God assigned that place to you, or maybe you are there out of your own failure of faith. Regardless, God is a master at using a wilderness to the greatest effect. It is an awesome thing to be alone with God. Use that time well. Listen for His still, small, voice. No one else may know where you are, but God does.

What may seem like your worst moment may in actual fact be a watershed moment in your life when God does something that changes your life forever. Embrace the wilderness of your life.

www.blakaby.net. Used by permission.

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Sermons

Let God Build Your House

by Francis Chan
written by Francis Chan

In Psalm 127, we are encouraged to allow God to “build our house,” or build our lives. We can rest because He is in charge and nothing can be done apart from Him. The apostle Paul in Ephesians lists the blessings and power of God He offers us. We are rich beyond measure!

 

Preached at Cornerstone Church, Simi Valley California. Used by permission.

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Sermons

Your Happy Place: How to Have a Joy-Filled Home

by Dave Stone
written by Dave Stone

Strong Christian marriages have Christ-centered relationships that are grounded by individual relationships with the Lord. Many who have joyous homes that are filled with love and laughter find their strength in God to help them guide all others in their lives. These homes aren’t perfect and don’t pretend to be, but they are faithful families who love the Lord and always put Him first.

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Articles

Share Your Supper and Your Faith

by John Starke
written by John Starke

The late Christopher Hitchens quipped “…You can’t very easily invite somebody to your church and then to supper and inform him that he’s marked for perdition.”

However much you and I can relate to the awkward difficulty of talking about heaven and hell over supper, Hitchens misses the point. We’re not like doctors who need to work on our bed-side manner. Actually, all of us who believe were at one time marked for perdition ourselves. But you could say that hospitality saved us. We were once strangers to God, but are now welcome (Eph. 2:12); enemies, but now friends (Rom. 5:10). The Lord Supper’s reminds us that we are traitors not just forgiven of treason, but brought in for supper.

In Luke 7, when Jesus chides Simon the Pharisee for not lowering himself enough to wash his feet as a hospitable courtesy, we get a foretaste of the hospitality of Jesus. He not only wrapped a towel around his waist and carried a basin for his followers, but he also eventually put a crown of thorns on his head and carried a cross so that curtains could be ripped and veils torn, bringing us into God’s presence “with confidence” (Heb. 4:16).

So it’s no surprise when God calls his followers to demonstrate hospitality. For instance, when the Lord was giving Israel instructions in Exodus 20 and Leviticus 19 on how to treat strangers and outsiders, he said to love them and “treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you.” Why? Not because the foreigners were created in God’s image (though they were). He says, “For you were strangers in the land of Egypt,” and “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” Suddenly, the grounding for love and hospitality shifted—not only, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” but also, “Do unto others as the Lord has done unto you.”

Jesus said something similar to his disciples as he was taking off the towel from his waist: “Love one another, even as I have loved you.” Or consider Paul’s reasoning: “Remember that you were at one time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in this world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near” (Ephesians 2:11-13). Paul simplifies his point later on in Ephesians: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 4:32-5:2).

This seems to be the pattern of the church in Acts from the very beginning. In Acts 2:42-46, Christians were eating together with glad hearts, sharing the Father’s hospitality. But notice the result: not just, “And they became closer friends and their fellowship was more intimate.” Remarkably, “the Lord added to their numbers daily those who were being saved” (Acts 2:47).

Evidently, Christians managed to invite unbelievers to supper, sharing their food and homes, along with their faith—like Paul, who famously said to the Thessalonian church, “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves” (1 Thessalonians 2:8).

Lindsay’s Story

An illustration from our contemporary context may help make the point. Sarah and Lindsay both work in midtown Manhattan. Sarah is a Christian; Lindsay isn’t. After several attempts to share Christ with Lindsay, Sarah simply invites Lindsay over to dinner, where she has many folks from her local church coming over for a meal and fellowship. Lindsay meets a handful of singles and a few married couples with kids.

She spends the evening eating and talking about life, which naturally leads to faith, since that’s what everyone else shares in common. She witnesses thankfulness and hears about the providence of God in their lives. She sees how Christians interact with their friends, spouses, and kids. One single girl invites her to coffee, and another family invites her over for dinner, where a few other church members join her.

When she finally comes to church, she immediately recognizes a dozen people, rather than feeling alone. After a few visits, she attendes a Bible study that explains the basic parts of Christianity and tries to answer difficult questions and objections. She then joins a small group fellowship that regularly meets for meals and game nights outside of their study time.

After some time of visiting and engaging, Lindsay suddenly realizes, “I believe this stuff.” She doesn’t have all of her questions answered, but she feels a warm affection for Jesus and conviction of her sin. The gospel seems like such a great relief. She is added to their number.

What Lindsay Saw

Lindsay’s old community was replaced with a new one. Becoming a Christian can often be hard, because you can lose your friends, family (in some cultures), and respect from your companions and co-workers. There is a cost to Christianity. A new community is God’s gracious healing to what often feels like a punishing severance.

Lindsay also saw Christianity displayed in friendships, marriages, and parenting. What seemed like a vague religious concept suddenly took on flesh, acted out in real life. As Leslie Newbigin famously says, “The church is the hermeneutic of the gospel.” Hospitality and home life is an apologetic for Christianity that contains an appeal that one-to-one evangelism and preaching doesn’t provide.

Finally, when Lindsay attended a Sunday service, she didn’t feel like an alien in a strange land. She saw familiar faces. She was not alone.

Christians are called to be hospitable because we serve a hospitable God. If the gospel is central in the life of a church, Hitchens’s dilemma disappears. We may not jump with glee to share the fate of those “marked for perdition,” but we’ll want to have them over for supper.

John Starke is an editor for The Gospel Coalition and lead pastor of All Souls Church in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Used by permission.

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Articles

Do You Have Spiritual Discernment?

by Francis Frangipane
written by Francis Frangipane

If we will move in true discernment, our view of life must be purged of human thoughts and reactions. We must perceive life through the eyes of Christ.

 

To Discern, You Cannot Judge
We will never possess true discernment until we crucify our instincts to judge. Realistically, this can take months or even years of uprooting old thought-systems that have not been planted in the divine soil of faith and love for people. To appropriate the discernment that is in the “mind of Christ” (1 Cor. 2:16), we must first find the heart of Christ. The heart and love of Jesus is summed up in His own words: “I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world” (John 12:47).

Spiritual discernment is the grace to see into the unseen. It is a gift of the Spirit to perceive the realm of the spirit. Its purpose is to understand the nature of that which is veiled. However, the first veil that must be removed is the veil over our own hearts. For the capacity to see into that which is in another’s heart comes from Christ revealing that which is in our own hearts. Before He reveals the sin of another, Jesus demands we grasp our own deep need of His mercy. Thus, out of the grace that we have received, we can compassionately minister grace to others. We will know thoroughly that the true gift of discernment is not a faculty of our minds.

Christ’s goal is to save, not judge. We are called to navigate the narrow and well-hidden path into the true nature of men’s needs. If we would truly help men, we must remember, we are following a Lamb.

This foundation must be laid correctly, for in order to discern, you cannot react. To perceive, you must make yourself blind to what seems apparent. People may react to you, but you cannot react to them. You must always remain forgiving in nature, for the demons you cast out will challenge you, masquerading as the very voice of the person you seek to deliver. You must discern the difference between the oppressing spirit and the person oppressed.

Thus, Jesus prepared His disciples to be proactive in their forgiveness. Using Himself as their example, He taught, “Everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him” (Luke 12:10). Jesus prepared His heart to forgive men before they ever sinned against Him. He knew His mission was to die for men, not condemn them.

Likewise, we are called to His mission as well. In His prayer to the Father, Jesus said, “As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them” (John 17:18). We are called to die that others may live. Therefore, we must realize that before our perception develops, our love must mature until our normal attitude is one of forgiveness. Should God reveal to us the hearts of men and then call us to release them from captivity, we cannot react to what they say. As our perception becomes more like Christ Himself and the secrets of men’s hearts are revealed to us, we cannot even react to what they think.

If we do not move in divine forgiveness, we will walk in much deception. We will presume we have discernment when, in truth, we are seeing through the veil of a critical spirit. We must know our weaknesses, for if we are blind to our sins, what we assume we discern in men will merely be the reflection of ourselves. Indeed, if we do not move in love, we will actually become a menace to the body of Christ.

This is exactly what Jesus taught when He said:

Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. —Matthew 7:1-5

Repentance is the removal of the “logs” within our vision; it is the true beginning of seeing clearly. There are many who suppose they are receiving the Lord’s discernment concerning one thing or another. Perhaps in some things they are; only God knows. But many are simply judging others and calling it discernment. Jesus commanded us to judge not. The same eternal hand that wrote the Law on stones in the old covenant is writing the law of the kingdom on tablets of flesh today. This word to “not judge” (by “outer appearance”) is just as immutable as His Ten Commandments. It is still God speaking.

The Goal is To See Clearly
The judgmental carnal mind always sees the image of itself in others. Without realizing it is seeing itself, it assumes it is perceiving others. Jesus refers to the person who judges as a “hypocrite.” The Lord is not saying we should totally stop thinking about people. He wants us to be able to help one another. The emphasis in Jesus’ command to “not judge” is summarized in His concluding remark: “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” The way we help is not by judging but by seeing clearly. And we do not see clearly until we have been through deep and thorough repentance, until the instinct to judge after the flesh is uprooted.

We have seen that Jesus paralleled speaking to people about their sins with taking specks out of their eyes. The eye is the most tender, most sensitive part of the human body. How do you take a speck out of someone’s eye? Very carefully! First, you must win their trust. This means consistently demonstrating an attitude that does not judge, one that will not instinctively condemn. To help others, we must see clearly.

If you seek to have a heart that does not condemn, you must truly crucify your instinct to judge. Then you will have laid a true foundation for the gift of discernment, for you will have prepared your heart to receive the dreams, visions and insights from God. You will be unstained by human bias and corruption.

The preceding message is adapted from a chapter in Francis’ best selling book, The Three Battlegrounds – on sale this week at www.arrowbookstore.com.

 

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Articles

How to Have a New Husband by Friday

by Kevin Leman
written by Kevin Leman

Why do we reserve romance for one day a year? If we want to “spice up” our love lives, we need to make every day Valentine’s day (at least as much as possible!)

Love makes the world go ’round. Or so they say. And “they” also tell us that once a year we’re supposed to do something really nice for someone we love.

Who are “they?”  You know, Hershey’s and Hallmark and every florist in the land. And that is one of the things I really dislike about Valentines Day. Out of 366 days you get this leap year, there’s only one little day for love? Call me hopelessly romantic–you wouldn’t be the first–but I think every day should be Valentine’s Day.
Before I go on and semi-eloquently describe Valentines Day, let me show you I can be practical.

If I were to get my wife a heart-shaped candy box from Walgreens, she’d probably hit me over the head with it.  My wife’s idea of Valentine’s Day is a nice dinner out, just the two of us. As our children became adults I can recall double-dating for Valentine’s Day dinner.  You are supposed to get smarter as you get older!

This year, I will take Mrs. Uppington out to one of those restaurants that I call, a 4 forker!  But I don’t do it on Valentines Day, I will do it  tonight, on Feb 13th.  As for the flowers, once again she will get those sweetheart roses and, in all probability, they will be pretty pink. On Feb 14, prices aren’t inflated, reservations are easy to make, and well, I just like to do things differently!

If you take up my offer to do dinner on the 13th then some of you are asking well what do I do on the 14th?

Why don’t you do something you know your husband or wife would love.  Maybe it’s hiring a babysitter to watch the kids so she can have a day to herself…a day without any demands upon her!

Or, think about what your husband would really like to do on Valentines Day.  Guys are SO much easier to shop for that way. We like it free, fun, and frequent…if you catch my meaning.

But back to my point, Valentines Day ought to be every day in marriage.  How could that be possible? Isn’t that terribly unrealistic?

Listen up, it’s the little things that count.  You keep a marriage alive by:

> Tucking a little card in your husband’s luggage right before he leaves for a business trip.  

> Writing a note in soap on the mirror where your lovely gets dressed in the morning.  

> Being thoughtful and considerate everyday.  You are at the grocery store — You got a cell phone!  How much effort does it take to make a call “Honey, I am at the store, is there anything you need”.  

> Washing her car for her…complete the job by vacuuming it out

> Putting a little money in her purse with a note attached to it.  

> Making sure HE knows that you need him and want him.  

> Going away for a night together!  

> Sending a Valentine email that says, “Great news, the kids are at Grandmas house!  I am waiting for you to get home!”

If your marriage is rocky right now, you might dread Valentine’s Day. As you look for that perfect card you are probably not going to find one that says “I am not sure we are going to make it, and I am fearful of what lies ahead.”  But maybe you could be strong enough to find a cute little card that has no words inside of it.  And maybe you could write a heartfelt handwritten message that says you wish things were different and you are willing and you to meet your spouse halfway, and that you want to try to make this week, month and year much different than last.

That would be a better than Godiva Chocolates, flowers, or boxer shorts with hearts on them!  A lot of people are counting on you to stay married!  As I have said many times, marriage isn’t easy, but it is simple… The truth of the matter is, it’s not a 50/50 relationship it’s 100/100!

So, I know it’s past Jan 1, but wouldn’t a good resolution be to make an effort to affectionally love your wife? You could love her better just by to listening to her and honoring her by looking her in the eyes while she’s talking (psst! No interruptions, eye-rolls, heavy sighs, etc.)

And wives, wouldn’t it be an equally a good idea to make sure that he feels needed and wanted by YOU?

When was the last time you looked in your husband’s eyes and told him how much you need him? Maybe you never have. But your husband needs to hear you tell him that you need him and don’t want to live without him. It probably doesn’t make as much sense to you, but guys need this stuff. It makes us feel respected and important in the eyes of our wives. Yes, that’s part ego, but you’re speaking to your man’s deeper needs.  If you can’t say that very easily, maybe you need to look inside of yourself and see what the hang up is.

So go have a nice dinner on the tonight!  Rekindle your marriage and focus on what is important… not only on Valentines Day, but every day.

To order Dr. Leman’s resources, go to www.birthorderguy.com

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Sermons

Marriage: The Picture of Christ and His Church

by Francis Chan
written by Francis Chan

Paul explains that this marriage and this union of a man and a woman coming together and becoming one flesh was just a picture of something far greater. It is the thought that God and his child would become one. This isn’t just about having a happy marriage so we can have a happy families.  We are involved in something much bigger here than creating a home down here on earth.  We are supposed to show the world a picture of Jesus Christ by the way we love our spouses and children.

 

 

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Black African mother embrace little preschool frustrated kid sitting on couch together at home. American loving mother supports disappointed daughter sympathizing, making peace after scolding concept
Articles

A Missionary’s Most Difficult Task: Leaving Children Behind

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

I’ll never forget the day my friend Karl called to tell me he was leaving Mongolia, never to return. We were planning to work on a ministry project together. Then, it seemed out of the blue, he decided to leave. When I asked him why, he said, “We really miss our kids.” Karl had a thriving ministry, spoke the language well, and understood the culture. But being separated from his grown children was too much to take so he decided it was best to leave his ministry and return to the States. Karl was trying to balance his choices between his ministry and his kids, and the kids won. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but his choice ended up closing down his ministry.

 

Every parent faces the prospect of losing their children as they grow into adulthood. But most parents are comforted by the fact that if there is a problem they can drive down the road, or to the next state, or catch a quick flight to be with his or her child. Just a century ago this was not possible. When parents released their children they knew that they might not see them for many years, and in some cases with children going abroad, they might not see them ever again.

Thankfully the modern world has made that situation (for most westerners) null and void. But there is a group that suffers this kind of separation anxiety more than the average westerner—missionaries.

I’ve lived in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for nearly nine years. My daughters grew up here. I decided early on that when it would come time to release my children I would focus on my ministry. I would let my work distract my grief. That didn’t work out so well.

I knew that I would have a struggle with releasing my kids, so deciding in advance, I thought, would help ease the pain. But as I delivered my oldest daughter to the airport in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia the weight of what I was doing hit me hard. I held it together until I returned home without her—and wailed like an old woman.

I have three daughters. One is in Arizona attending college. We get to see her about once a year. I miss her, but I don’t feel it often because we get to see her from time to time.

My youngest daughter is still with us. She has less than a year then she will also leave for the States. We’ve become very close, very close. I’m dreading departure day.

My second daughter is married and living in Okinawa, Japan with her husband, a military policeman with the Air Force. My second daughter and I were close when she was growing up. Life, as it’s worked out so far, has not let me go see her yet, or for her to come see me. It’s been nearly three years since I’ve seen her. I miss her terribly.

Over my years of missionary service I’ve watched as parents let their kids go. Sometimes they return home with them to help them get settled. Some parents do as I did with my first daughter and wave goodbye as the plane takes off, knowing that they’ve got someone to help their child when he or she arrives. Some missionaries let their kids go early by sending them to boarding school. Thus, when it comes time to release them into adulthood they find the experience less painful.

There’s no one-way of doing it right when it comes to releasing your kids. Life’s situations require different approaches. However, I’ve learned through my experience thus far that there are five things missionary parents need to know in advance of releasing their children. After all, releasing our kids is a bit different from releasing them if we lived in the same country. In most cases we are sending our kids away halfway around the world. If something goes wrong we may jump the next flight home—but depending upon which country you live in it could take days to get a flight (and considerable expense).

Here are four things I’ve learned from watching others and my own experiences. If you are a missionary, or considering releasing your children to live in another country, these five points may help you prepare for the experience.

·               Decide in advance not to sacrifice your ministry

Your ministry is a calling just as parenthood is a calling. Just because our kids leave the nest doesn’t mean we should abandon it either. Does that sound heartless? If you lived in America and were releasing your kids to school in another state would you quit your job and follow your child? Of course not. Why is it that we missionaries sometime entertain leaving our host country when our kids go off to school or to whatever life has for them?

Separation anxiety is a powerful thing. Some missionaries find it more difficult to let their kids go than to continue living in a foreign culture and the many stresses that brings. My friend Karl decided to discontinue his ministry while it was thriving. He could have had many years of fruitful ministry, but the separation was too much for him to bear.

Plan in advance on how you will release your children. Prepare yourself well in advance. It may be that releasing your children is the natural time to consider leaving your ministry either by furlough or permanently. If you plan in advance what you will do your ministry can thrive through others you can train up to replace you. But waiting until the experience actually happens can present choices that are more difficult to make than they might be otherwise.

·               Decide in advance not to sacrifice your kids

One of my daughters had a serious health issue after she left Mongolia. I had already been suffering with feelings of abandonment. My separation anxiety told me the lie that I had abandoned my daughter to the world, all alone. However, I hadn’t fully considered, in advance, what I would do or how far I would have to go to help my kids after they were gone. As parents there are times when we know our kids must endure their trials without us. And there are times when their need for us must take precedence. Decide in advance what kinds of experiences require you to drop everything and be with them. Discuss it with your kids before they leave. It will give them assurance that you are not abandoning them, but also reaffirm that there are some things they must learn alone—just between them and Christ.

·               Don’t be afraid for them, instead, pray for them

When your kids are 8,000 miles away it’s hard not to worry about them. This is especially true with third culture kids. Third culture kids are those who grow up in a foreign country then return to their home country feeling more akin to their host culture than their home culture. What kinds of decisions will our kids make? What happens if they have an accident? What if there are medical problems? Worry is a natural part of separation anxiety, but we don’t need to worry.

When we began releasing our kids to the States we wanted the benefit of putting them someplace where we had friends or family that could help them from time to time. Doing so helped ease some of our fears. But the most effective thing we can do to ease our worries is to pray. Praying for them will help them, but most importantly it will also ease our worries.

And what should you pray for? Most importantly, pray for their character, their spiritual growth. This is my chief prayer for my kids. Schools, jobs, and careers may change. Our kids may choose to live somewhere else than where we send them. Friends will come and friends will go. All is transient. But if we focus on their maturity then they will be able to handle anything that comes their way. Even if they fail, they will still learn from the experience and move forward. I believe there is no more important prayer to pray for our kids than to pray daily for their spiritual maturity and trust in Christ. We should do like Job, who offered sacrifices for his children even long after they had grown up (Job 1:5).

·               Support them, even when they blow it

From time to time my kids have made some not-so-good decisions. That’s okay. When I was their age I made far bigger mistakes. Whatever you do, don’t do the “I told you so,” thing with your kids. It’s one thing to show disapproval when your kids are living at home. But it’s another thing when they are separated from you by thousands of miles. Your kids will, at times, feel more alone than you do. So, even when they make bad decisions try to find a way to give them moral support. Even if sin is involved, yes, you must address the issue of sin, but we do so, so that we can find ways of supporting them, not breaking them down or punishing them. When your adult child blows it and senses disapproval from you, you can bet he or she will feel even more alone. Avoid that. Remember Colossians 3:21 applies even after your kids leave home: “Do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”

·               You’re going to miss them, it will hurt—deal with it

When my oldest daughter left home I didn’t want to be comforted. I wanted to sit alone and experience the grief. It was important to me that I deal with my grief then and there because I knew I would have to deal with it again later. You cannot avoid the grief of separation, but you can manage it. After a time you will get over it, just like most other hurts. Deal with your separation anxiety up front. For me it was helpful to sit alone and think and pray through the issues I faced from being separated from my daughter. But for others it can be more important to talk about it with friends, especially friends who have already gone through the experience you are going through. Allow their shared pain and experience to minister to you (II Corinthians 1:4).

When it comes time to release your children to their own lives you will have some separation anxiety. It’s normal. We all experience it. But the experience doesn’t have to cripple our ministry or drive us from our host country. Instead, we should see this as a path of new opportunities in both our relationship with our kids, our spouse, and for ministry. God can give us fulfillment in all these things.

My kids are doing great. My oldest, unlike her old man, is a straight A college student. My second has grabbed hold of life with her husband and is making many mature decisions. My youngest is getting ready to leave and is making plans for her future. They’ve all experienced some difficult challenges in the process, but they are maturing well. What more could I ask for? As III John 1:4 says, “I have no greater joy than this, to hear that my children walking in the truth.”

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Christians raising their hands in praise and worship at a night music concert. Eucharist Therapy Bless God Helping Repent Catholic Easter Lent Mind Pray. Christian concept background.
Articles

Is Your Church “Come and Get It” or “Go and Tell It”?

by Leonard Sweet
written by Leonard Sweet

Got any aches, pains and complaints? Anyone who served in World War II would say, “Sure. It cured everything!” The acronym APC was widely used in the middle of the twentieth century to identify a pain medicine. It was a combination of aspirin, phenacetin and caffeine. Sort of like Excedrin or Aleve today, APC was such a favorite analgesic and antipyretic (fever treatment) that it became standard issue in the military.

 

There was only one problem: Long-term ingesting of APC tablets could kill you. Scientists didn’t discover this until the late ‘50s and ‘60s when phenacetin was found to cause renal problems, multiple blood disorders, and cancer. The only continuing use of phenacetin today is as a cutting agent to adulterate illegally supplied cocaine.

 

Perhaps we need to help churches stop practicing APC Christianity and become what I’m calling an MRI church where “M”=Missional, “R”=Relational, and “I”=Incarnational. In APC Christianity (also dubbed the “ABC Church”: Attendance, Building, Cash), “A” stands for Attractional, “P” for Propositional, and “C” for Colonial.

 

Some things can be good for you for a short time but bad for you over the long haul. In fact, some things can make your church grow fast and big in months and years, and yet over decades can have debilitating effects on the body of Christ, and even kill you if not kill your spirit. To misquote Paul, the wages of APC is death.

 

The attractional church thinks that if they build it, and build it hip and cool, people will come. Part of the appeal of the APC church is that we are living in an age of attraction. There are many ways of describing the world in which we are living: the Information Economy, the Knowledge Economy, the Empathy Economy, the Experience Economy, the Attention Economy. But one of the most unique is Kevin Roberts’ elaboration of the Attraction Economy and in implications of what he sees as the shift from attention to attraction.1 The attractions of attraction over attention include the shift from interruption to engagement, directors to connectors, one-way to two-way, one-to-many to many-to-one, heavy users to inspirational consumers, return on investment to return on involvement, and convergence to divergence.

 

The church that is missional had better know how to attract people to Christ. Come is a good word. Evangelism is come to Christ and come to community, or best of all, evangelism is announcing that Christ has come to you. Goers had better be comers. Senders had better be summoners. But we best be clear about where the attractiveness resider: “If I be lifted up,” Jesus said, “I will draw all to myself.” Jesus is the attraction. Jesus is the draw, despite all our time spend at drawing boards drawing up this appeal and drafting that attraction. Dominican Gerard Hughes offers a useful rule of thumb in decision making and discernment: “God draws, the destructive spirit drives”’ or, “God always draws us and never drives us.” A key test of the spirit is attraction.

 

The church that is relational can’t escape the fact that to say “Jesus is the Way, the Truth, the Life” is itself a proposition. And the church that is incarnational prays every day a colonizing prayer: “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.” Every Christian is a colonizer: We are colonizing earth with heaven. We are creating “colonies” of heaven not Christian-coated mirror cities.

 

APC creates: Members-Believers-Consumers

 

MRI creates: Missionaries-Disciples-World Changers

 

APC Christianity is the wrong default for the following reasons.

 

First, in a system that isn’t as healthy as it should or could be, the body is more susceptible to toxins, light fights, jealousies, doctrinal disputes, bad attitudes, etc. The APC is not that healthy of a system, so the APC life and church get infected more easily, require high maintenance, and demand constant APC injections to keep it going.

 

Alan Jamison said, “We cannot ask God to repair what we will not acknowledge and own as being broken.”1

 

Second, the church is now encountering the double whammy of postmodernity and post-Christiandom. Postmodern culture is an anti-generation to be familiar with the Christian story and for whom churches have cultural significance. And you will die, leaving behind a culture for whom the Christian story will be completely unknown.

 

This requires not only a new ability to tell the story but also a fresh way to reframe the story for “a sinless society,” a mission field where people don’t see themselves as “sinners.”

 

“We have never been this way before” is something, of course, every generation can say. But we can say this with the realization that if we have been this way before, if we have dealt before with the enormity of change we’re facing today, we haven’t been this way since the fourth century (the Constantinian captivity), since the eleventh century (when East and West split), or at the very latest, since the sixteenth century (when the West split into Protestant and Catholic).

 

It is time to push the reset button on Christianity—the original operating system—not just back to Acts 2, which was another rebooting accomplished by the incarnation, but back to the original Genesis 1 and 2 operating system. Whenever you download a new program on your computer, you must reboot the system to actualize the change.

 

It is time to live out of the secret of life, the secret of the cruciform life: the double-helix divine design for life and the church.

 

When people say they want to be part of something bigger than themselves, it doesn’t necessarily mean a bigger church. The cutting edge of what the Spirit is up to is not mortar-happy churches, or bigger and better mousetrap churches. It is MRI churches. Not come-gather churches, but as-you-go-scatter churches. Not an “in here” church, but an “out there church. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t even talk about “church” but about life, a life so beautiful.

 

1Kevin Roberts, Living in the Age of Attraction: Heart of the Matter: Marketeers Must Emotionally Connect with Consumers,” Advertising Age, 78  (29 January 2009): 12.

 

2Alan Jamieson, Journeying in Faith (London: SPCK, 2004), 96.

 

Excerpt taken from ©2009 Leonard Sweet. So Beautiful published by David C. Cook, pp. 17-21. Used by permission. Publisher permission required to reproduce. All rights reserved.

 

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Sermons

Home for Christmas: What Does it Mean to Be Home with God?

by Glenn Barteau
written by Glenn Barteau

Choosing not to be afraid or not to lose heart is less about the feeling and more about about how we open our hearts and minds. This happens in a significant way through what we say to ourselves. Matthew tells us God sent Jesus, Emanuel to save us from our sins. Even when life is hard, those who make their lives with Christ are secure.

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Ask Roger

Mormonism and Christianity-Are They the Same?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

I am a devout Christian and my girlfriend is Mormon. We are getting closer to closer and have been dating about a year and have gotten through tough things together. (Her father’s suicide for example) My question is: What is the best way to go out about understanding, accepting, and growing together towards Spiritual Mothers and Fathers? I have drawn from the “condemnation engineering” sermon that “I’m Right, She’s Wrong” is not the best approach to our discussions about faith.

Sincerely,

Evan

Dear Evan, 

I know that sharing life experiences with someone you love is a great strength and blessing. Your relationship is obviously being strengthened by and not weakened by some of the difficult trials you have walked through together. We have many wonderful Mormon neighbors. I truly respect their emphasis upon family values and their sincere zeal to share their faith. That being said, you need to be aware that Mormonism and evangelical Christianity are worlds apart. So how do you approach this one you care about so deeply and dialogue about the differences in your faith?

I agree with you wholeheartedly that you can be seen as harsh and judgmental if you use “condemnation engineering” (Matthew 7:1-12). The concept of, condemnation engineering is based upon Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7. Condemnation engineering uses statements like, “You should stop doing it like that” (Matthew 7:1-5); or, “I know how to fix it. You ought to do it my way!” (Matthew 7:6). On the other hand, Jesus encourages us to draw people into the kingdom rather than belittling or coercing them. (Matthew 7:7-12).

Let me now share a few thoughts which may be of help.

To begin with, here is a principle I have followed for years: Don’t trash someone else’s religion or their religious and/or spiritual beliefs; show them something better—like the attractiveness of Jesus Christ. In other words, lift up Jesus instead of tearing down others’ spiritual foundations.

Next, living a caring and loving Christian life in front of your girlfriend might initiate in her a desire to have the same Christ-filled life you have. Peter encourages this sort of approach in 1 Peter 3:1-2. Peter says that the best way for wives to win their husband’s to Christ is not by talking but by living out the abundant life of Christ before their eyes: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

You might consider initiating a frank discussion of both your religious beliefs and hers. I believe that it is fair to say that Mormonism and Christianity are quite different. In fact, their basic tenants are mutually exclusive.

May I share with you a simple overview of some of the basic differences?

For example, I understand that the God of Christianity and the god of Mormonism are not the same. I believe it is correct to say that Mormons believe that the “Heavenly Father” is a glorified man who was once a human just like us. The spirits of all people on earth are the product of his union with “heavenly mothers.” The Christian God is the Creator of all things, infinite and eternal, completely different from us, yet we are made in His image. According to Mormonism, Jesus was the firstborn spirit-child of the Heavenly Father. He became mortal through the Father’s physical union with Mary. Jesus’ atoning death and a person’s good works are the basis of our salvation. That is not at all the Christian understanding of Jesus. The Bible teaches that Jesus is the Son of God, fully human and fully divine—perfect God and perfect Man. He died to pay the penalty for our sins, rose from the dead, and will come again someday.

From what I understand, Mormonism teaches that there are multiple levels of heaven—not just one as described in Christianity. I think it is correct to say that Mormonism is a “works” type of religion with fourteen steps or activities which must be climbed or accomplished in order to reach the highest level of heaven. Lower levels of heaven are populated by other Mormons in proportion to how many special activities they did accomplish. I am rather certain that a basic Mormon teaching is that non-Mormons will serve Mormons in the afterlife.

Christianity, on the other hand, is not a “works” religion. Christianity is based on the concept of grace. Though we aren’t perfect—we’ve sinned and missed God’s standards so many times—God chose to provide a way for us to be made clean in his eyes. We can never do enough to earn or deserve our salvation, so Jesus died in our place, taking on the penalty for our sins. That’s grace. Heaven and eternal life are freely given by grace through faith to all who surrender their lives in repentance and humility to Jesus Christ.

According to the Bible, and Jesus’ numerous declarations, He Himself is the only doorway into eternal life in Heaven. He clearly explained the His feelings in John 3:16-18: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.”

Not only is believing in the crucified and resurrected Jesus essential to eternal salvation, the Apostle Paul elaborated on Jesus’ teaching by explaining that if any one teaches or trusts in anything in addition to the Work of Christ on the cross, they are deeply misguided and under the curse of God (“already condemned” is how Jesus put it). In Ephesians 2:8-9 Paul made clear that any attempts to climb steps or do special activities to earn a standing in Heaven are doomed to failure. He wrote: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”

Paul’s gospel formula” was quite simple: “Faith in Christ + nothing else = salvation.” To put any thing else in the formula is to pervert the gospel. Evil teachers were perverting the gospel in  by changing the formula to “Faith in Christ + the Jewish rite of circumcision = salvation.” In Galatians 1:6-9 Paul was pleading for the Galatian Christians not to be seduced by the new formula. With fire in his soul Paul wrote to them: “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel—which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!”

If I understand correctly, the Book of Mormon was delivered to Joseph Smith by the angel Maroni. As best I can tell, the salvation formula used in Mormonism is “Faith in Christ + other essential steps or activities = salvation.” Considering what he wrote to the Galatians, the Apostle Paul would be appalled at this “perverting” of the formula.

For further study you might want to read the following two books: “Mormonism 101: Examining the Religion of the Latter-day Saints” by Bill McKeever and Eric Johnson (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker, 2000); and “Mormonism Unmasked: Confronting the Contradictions Between Mormon Beliefs and True Christianity” by R. Philip Roberts (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 1998.)

I have shared the above information in order to help you understand some of the basic differences between Christianity and Mormonism. I do not advise you to dump all of this information on your girlfriend because you would most likely be entering into the realm of condemnation engineering. You may, however, find the information helpful in a frank discussion of your beliefs and hers.

Finally, let’s consider your question about growing to maturity together as spiritual mothers and fathers. It is not good to try to grow to spiritual maturity alone. Christian spiritual growth is best accomplished in the context of community.

The best way for you and your girlfriend to mature together into Christlikeness is to be in lock-step in your spiritual journeys. If your girlfriend continues as a Mormon while you remain a Christian, you are heading down two different paths—thus, you will never mature together as spiritual mothers and fathers.

The only way for you and your girlfriend to fulfill this desire of your heart is by following the Christian ideal of a maturing, intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ as described by Paul in Philippians 3: “That I may know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings.” The meaning here is a personal, full fledged and intentional surrender of self in following the Jesus Christ who is presented in the Bible.

I hope that these thoughts are helpful to you in your relationship with your girlfriend and in your growing relationship with Jesus.

Love, Roger

 

 

 

 

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Articles

Evangelastically Speaking: Christian Leaders Who Stretch The Truth

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

“Yes, Brother, I see that hand!” Church leaders, like all men with feet of clay, are tempted to climb ladders of success. Buildings, budgets and baptisms are never far from the mind of any pastor. Whether he admits it or not, Brother Whosit still subconsciously counts noses as he saunters to the pulpit to speak for God. His worst fear came true the moment his hairy toes hit the floor that Easter Sunday morning. He peered out of his bedroom window, and there it was, just as the weather man had predicted. A menacing storm loomed on the horizon, and he worried the offerings would plummet on the biggest Sunday of the year because his parishioners hated to get their new patent leather shoes wet. What if they decided stay home and read the Sunday morning funnies instead, God forbid? Fred Fleming, the balding church organist blasted “Up From the Grave He Arose” with style and pinash. But alas, did his congregation rise? Did they come today, on this day of days? Then came the moment of truth. Brother Whosit’s damp congregation, the stalwart faithful who dragged themselves to church, braved the rain and slinked into their pews, awaited a word from God from their fearless leader. What could he say to mask his disappointment and lift them out of their doldrums? Fearing the crowd would sink into depression, Pastor put on his best James Earl Jones preacher-voice and hoped to dazzle the crowd. “Glory to God! Praise Be! This is our greatest Easter turnout yet!!!” Please, Brother Whosit. Don’t insult their intelligence. The first two rows of the sanctuary are completely empty, and prime parking spots are vacant by the front door…not good signs for a banner Sunday. That’s okay. We all have dreary sabbaths now and then. They just happen. Did you have to “sugar-coat” your morning greeting?” Why couldn’t you simply say, “It’s a gloomy day, but I am so glad to see you here. We’ve got a lot to celebrate. Jesus isn’t in the grave. And we will cheat death, too, because of Him.” Concise. Honest. Caring. Inspiring.

“Sheep and goat” nose-counting is the most despicable form of evangelasticism, in my estimation. I know a young intern at a mega-church where every staff member had to present a list on Monday morning of the people they had led to Christ the week before, so that the new converts could be baptized on the next Sunday. If the poor minister did not meet his quota, he was out on his ear by the next Wednesday. That’s when the “number-fudging” began. The gospel was soft-peddled so that anybody who liked Jesus would get dunked and be counted among the chosen. During one altar call, a five-year-old boy approached the intern standing at the front of the church and asked “Can I go to the bathroom now?” The young pastor took him. Upon returning, the evangelist shouted, “One more lost sheep comes into the fold!!! That’s fifty decisions tonight!” The crowd was whipped into a lather. I can’t imagine that God was impressed. Above all, we must share the Good News of Christ with great care and prayer. Souls hang in the balance.

Evangelastic Finance Figures: Brother Bluster often plays fast and loose with building fund figures. The giant thermometer that hangs precariously over the choir tenors indicates how close the congregation is to reaching the building fund goal. Finessing financials is a real temptation for any pastor or Christian leader. If the numbers go in the red, it’s hard to turn the trend around. So Bluster climbs the ladder in the choir loft and colors the thermometer in pink pastel chalk. The line of demarcation is obscured and the old people with all the money can’t even see it! Mission accomplished. Pumping up the crowd to fork over much-needed cash is a tough row to hoe. Gloss it over. Say “we’re waiting on a big gift to come in” or “we can’t be sure how much the project is going to cost.” Now there’s a piece of truth of which I can assure you. Any pastor who has survived a building program will give you the cold, hard facts. No building will ever come in on time, at cost, without problems, headaches, nightmares or potential suicide attempts by the building committee chairperson. Beloved pastor, most people will get on board to give if you let them know you’re a person of integrity and that you say what you mean. Also, please don’t embezzle building pledges, skip town with your blonde secretary and head for St. Tropez. That tends to erode trust. I’m not sure, but I’m just sayin….

Evangelasticalism not only refers to stretching the truth, it also means that you don’t skew spiritual truth to say whatever you want to say. Suppository preaching involves closing your eyes, picking a passage and saying whatever comes into your mind, regardless or context, background or accuracy. Suppository preaching without serious study gives any pastor a bad case of Sunday sermon diarrhea. One of my favorite “point and pick” verse combos were “And Judas went and hanged himself..” “…Go and do thou likewise.” Great stuff. On one occasion an overly protective father wanted to be sure his precious teenage daughter was well-protected from hormonal teenage boys. The pastor’s daughter had been invited on her first date, a little school dance with an upstanding young man from the congregation. To be sure her date kept his nose clean, Preacher Dad pushed the envelope with holy hell-fire and brimstone the Sunday before her special event. He ranted about date rape, the dangers of alcoholism and teen pregnancy. Her date was so full of the “fear of God” or “fear of Dad” as the case may be, that he dumped the daughter like a hot potato. Imparting Christian values in the context of a Christian family and a church family is essential. Stretching the truth in this case, was a matter of skewing a viewpoint so far in one direction that a balanced biblical perspective was lost, and a faulty view of a menacing, angry God was painted. It’s natural for a dad to love and protect his daughter. As members of the human race, we are all subject to human emotions. Let’s not manipulate the Word of God to say what we want it to say, to allow Truth to be filtered through emotions of anger, bitterness, guilt or fear.

On a personal note, my pastor-husband is a straight-arrow when it comes to handling the truth, even when the truth is tough to handle. However, when it comes to sermon illustrations about his family, he has been known to take some artistic license. Evangelastical sermon illustrations were his greatest temptation. 

Evangelastical sermon illustrations have been practiced by every pastor I know. In all fairness, every author, politician or newscaster uses hyperbole and caricature to make their characters funny and compelling. But ministers, go easy on your families. My husband Roger learned early on in his ministry that his kids (and wife) were great fodder for sermon illustrations. We were cheap, accessible and weren’t under copyright protection. The more colorful Daddy made the story, the more laughs he got from the flock. In Roger’s defense, I gave him plenty of ammo. I was a die-hard prankster, but he could turn my antics into crime scenes and natural disasters. Bill, our pastor of adult education, and I were sponsors for high school camp in the scenic White Mountains. I brought my thirteen-month-old daughter Bronwyn with me and rode herd over a cabin of sophomore girls. Looking back, they should have chaperoned me. Our education pastor raided my cabin full of giggly girls at midnight with two football boys and a can of shaving cream. Not to be outdone, I surreptitiously retaliated by absconding with his entire package of Hanes boxer briefs and hoisted them up the flagpole. To avoid further suffering at the hands of Bill, I packed my bags, threw Bronie under my arms like a potato sack and sought refuge in the nurse’s cabin until the end of the week. To my husband’s delight, I provided him with a great opening story for his Sunday message. But by the time he finished recounting the tale, our education guy was in jail and I had been placed in witness protection. (Just kidding!) But pastor’s stories do get better the more that they are told.

Our education pastor did have a great idea for any pulpiteer who loved to spin a yarn or two about his family. He suggested that my husband to create a contract with me and my daughters for future family stories. He always had to ask permission ahead of time and verify the facts. If Roger told a juicy family secret, he must pay through the nose: five dollars for a headliner, two dollars for an anecdote and one dollar for an aside. If he doctored the facts, he paid double. Upon occasion, I told him he owed me a new Ferrari!

Pastors, don’t play fast and loose with the truth. Your congregation will wonder if you are like the boy who cried wolf. Can they believe you or not? So climb down off that pedestal. Don’t try to impress. Be real. You may be surprised at how forgiving and accepting your pew-huggers really are. In a world full of spin-doctors, be the voice someone can trust. God will honor your honesty.

 

 

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Articles

Responding to the Spiritual Beliefs of Seekers

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

Too often as Christians we don’t explore the belief systems of others, and in doing so, fail to understand how they think. When we take a hard look at comparative religion, we know how to pray for others and how to lead them to Christ. We are not “lobbing the gospel ball over the fortress fence.” Instead, we courageously step out of our comfort zones and begin to relate effectively and intelligently with our neighbors.

However, in understanding the beliefs of others, there is a present and future danger that must be addressed in order to stand fast in our faith in the face of syncretism, deception and persecution.

Recently I’ve been enjoying the book, Christianity on the Offense: Responding to the Spiritual Beliefs of Seekers, by Dan Story. It’s always good to learn something about the competition, so to speak, and I occasionally read such books to keep me up to date on worldview issues. The pages I read today, however, got me thinking not about the worldviews of today, but the worldviews of tomorrow—apropos to the change of calendar coming in just hours.

It’s interesting to me to trace how different worldviews like Naturalism, Modernism, Buddhism, and competing religions have all contributed to one another over the centuries. These worldviews often borrow points from one another, specifically the Western worldviews have been borrowing from the Eastern, thus becoming their worldview cousins.

Christianity is different in that when someone tries to integrate other religious philosophies into its framework it becomes something wholly different—something other than orthodox. As one example, we see a lot of this in Mongolia as many young Christians, not fully understanding the unique nature of Christianity, attempt to bring in some of the beliefs and practices of Buddhism and Animism in the name of preserving culture. This practice of syncretism ends up creating something other than a biblically-based Christian expression. It was also strongly condemned by Peter (II Peter 2:17-22) and Jesus (Revelation 2:12-29).

The study of apologetics is always a study of the past, even the recent past. That makes sense. The past is immutable. We can study the history of religious and philosophical thought and the impact on societies to see how those ideas shaped societies. But wouldn’t it be interesting, and perhaps even more advantageous for us to see where these views might lead us to in the future? Let’s approach it this way: Who among Christian leaders of the 17th and 18th century that battled the influence of the enlightenment would have guessed that it would eventually pave the way for Darwinism, Secular Humanism, then a Post-Modernist view? Applying this speculation to today, what kind of worldviews will the Christian Church have to do battle with tomorrow?

When we read the scriptures about the coming End Times we are faced with a stark reality about the future—it may be as equally immutable as the past. Prophetic scripture reveals that things are going to get bad for those with a Christian worldview. Even the most casual read from Matthew 24-25 and the book of Revelation reveal a ballooning anti-Christian fervor. Can we deny that we experience it today from the courtrooms of America to the prisons of China? The Apostle Paul warned Timothy about this very thing, paving the way for us to prepare for battle in the future.

    “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars, seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron…” (I Timothy 4:1-2)

    “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power…evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.” (II Timothy 3:1-5,13).

Just as the past is immutable, so too it may be that the future revealed to us in these and other passages, is equally immutable. God has already revealed to us, in advance, that we will be faced with opposition to the Christian worldview with increasing frequency and fervor. Since the scripture reveals it then we know it will come to pass (Romans 4:17). So how will we deal with this immutable future of trouble? That’s a question we should consider as we enter the last year of this decade.

Paul provided more than a warning of what was to come, he also provided a solution.

    “You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them…you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you wisdom that leads to salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work” (II Timothy 3:14-17).

I love it. When revealing what believers face in a future time Paul simply goes back to the old standards. Like a plaid-suited used car salesman on a cheap TV commercial he shouts, “Yesterday’s technology today!” Except what Paul is selling is the real deal. It’s power is truth. It’s potential unending. It never goes out of style or become irrelevant.

At all times there are always signs before us pointing to what the future may hold. The signs of our recent economic crisis were in place in 90s. So too there are warning signs before the Christian about what to expect in the future. The road we are on is designed to take us to that future. How we will deal with it when we get there should be of great concern along the way. The road may twist and turn but the rules of the road are unchanged.

 

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