Tom Terry shares Biblical truths on successful relationships and sexual purity on Ask Roger and Friends this week.
Dear Tom,
Why does lust destroy marriage?
Sincerely,
Devon
Dear Devon,
Here is an article I wrote on the subject. I hope that it will be helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Tom
Have you ever known someone who has committed adultery? Did you help the victim or the adulterer, or did the situation turn worse?
Why is adultery, for many, so hard to forgive?
Women tend to forgive adultery easier than men. Why do you think that is?
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
EXAMINATION
(V.28) “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent…”
The word that’s used here for lust literally means to desire something. It is used in both a positive and negative way. In this case, based on the context, it’s negative.
The Pharisees usually interpreted sin as an act committed. But, Jesus defines sin at a much deeper level. Sin is first a matter of the heart.
Only the ESV translates this with the word “intent.” Though other translations say “with” lust or “for” lust. Either way, this is more than just simply looking at a woman and feeling desire. One commentator notes that the passage means to get her to also lust. That is intent. The intention to commit adultery. Not just a simple look. Lust is the first step toward intending to commit adultery, like David did with Bathsheba.
(V.28) “Adultery with her in his heart.”
Jesus is not giving permission to commit the act since it’s already happened in the heart. Rather, he is commenting on the sinfulness of the heart. The commandment is broken, don’t make it worse.
(V.29) “If your right eye causes you to sin…”
Jesus is specifically speaking here to men by referring to the eye. Men and women are wired differently. Men usually commit lust based on that they see. But a woman, while she can lust from what she sees, usually commits lust in relationship, specifically, with a desire for emotional intimacy.
For men, lust is an event, or series of events. For women it is relational, a process. If a man sees an opportunity for sexual sin, regardless of the relationship, he may take it. But, if a woman perceives no advantage in the relationship or fulfilling the need for emotional intimacy, she will often cut off the relationship as her lust is relationally driven.
Another way we commit this sin in the modern age is to look at pornography. According to an article published this week (10.22.24) on Christianpost.com, 75% of Christian men view pornography, and 40% of Christian women. What’s even worse is that 49% of Christian porn users are “comfortable” with their use of pornography.
Some Christians think pornography is not as serious as actual adultery. But this is not Jesus’ view. Otherwise, he would not comment on the eyes. Pornography is one step above normal lust and can take us closer to actual adultery.
When I was a magazine editor in Albuquerque, New Mexico we had a sexually oriented business open up near our neighborhood. We wanted to know what affect that had on the immediate area. So we did a research project, looking at police records of sexually oriented crimes for the year since the business opened. We found that in that first year, sexually oriented crimes in that police district had increased by 350%. Lust can be a powerful evil.
Interestingly, in Mark 9:43-47, the foot is mentioned to be cut off; probably because our feet carry is to the sin we intend to commit.
(V.29) “Tear it out and throw it away.”
There were early Christians who took this verse literally and gouged out their eyes or even castrated themselves. But, Jesus isn’t literally instructing his disciples to mutilate themselves, or gouge out their eyes. If so, we’d have a lot of blind disciples. It is hyperbole also used in Proverbs 23:2, “Put a knife to your throat if you are a man given to appetite.” How many of us slit our own throats at the Thanksgiving table?
Clearly, Jesus’ disciples suffered from lust like any other man. But none of them gouged out their eyes. Jesus is painting a picture of the seriousness of sexual sin. One moment of adultery can radically change a person’s life for the worse. So too, we must do whatever is necessary to eliminate and resist this temptation.
CAN YOU GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING YOU HAVE CUT OUT OF YOUR LIFE IN ORDER TO PREVENT TEMPTATION OR SIN?
What needs to be torn out to defeat this sin is not the eye or the hand, but the heart. Our old heart of sin must be done away with and replaced with a new heart with God’s law written upon it. Take Colossians 3:5,9-10 to heart, “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry…you have put off the old selfwith its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.”
(V.29) “For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.”
So far in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus has mentioned hell three times. Twice in this passage. This denotes the seriousness of this sin. Hell is a place of torment that the lost will endure forever. Some people think hell is temporary, or that in the end God will use it to annihilate the sinner altogether. But this is not how Jesus speaks of hell. Jesus speaks of it as a real place, in eternity, with no hope of escape. How serious our sin must be for God to assign us there. And how serious lust and adultery must be to put us in danger of hell.
WHY DO YOU THINK GOD TAKES SUCH A SERIOUS VIEW ABOUT THIS SIN?
(V.30) “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
Jesus repeats his phrasing for the hand just like he did the eye. This is not a reference to stealing. In the ancient world a hand might be cut off of a thief. But the context in this discourse is not theft, but sexual sin. This verse is graphic. The hand is used in sexual sin. So Jesus addresses that sin and does so directly. Sexual sin can be committed with another, or alone. Both are equally serious in God’s eyes.
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Now we move quickly from lust and adultery to divorce. In this context, the two are related. Let’s dive deeper.
(V.31) “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.”
This is the only place in this discourse where Jesus does not begin with the phrase, “You have heard it was said.” Rather, he simply says, “It was also said.” This to denotes that this part of the passage is tied directly to the one before it. So, there is a relationship between lust and divorce, especially for men. Both parts of this passage about lust and divorce equate it with adultery, so they are connected.
It should also be noted that two kinds of sin are being mentioned here. Adultery is a capital offense, but divorce is a civil offense. If caught, adulterers could be executed (Leviticus 20:10) But, not so in divorce.
Though it doesn’t seem that way way at first, the original commandment of the law on divorce actually protected a woman from abuse and abandonment. She had a legal status. However, over time the Jewish leadership turned this around.
Divorce in the New Testament context, became easy to commit. Divorce was usually committed by men and could leave the woman destitute. Women usually depended upon men for their livelihood. To be put out of the house through divorce often resulted in poverty. There was no mercy in divorce.
Elsewhere, Jesus said Moses permitted divorce because of hardness of the heart (Matthew 19:8). But the impact on a woman was still the same. In the Old Testament, Ruth was not a victim of divorce, rather, she became a young widow. But the result was the same, destitution.
(V.32) “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
For many Christians, this is one of the hardest passages to accept.
WHY DO YOU THINK THIS PASSAGE IS SO HARD FOR MANY CHRISTIANS TO ACCEPT?
In early America, in Alabama, a couple could not get a divorce until it was approved in a court and then voted on in the State Legislature. This made divorce a great embarrassment. Additionally, in biblical times, marriages were usually arranged when the prospective partners were still children. Yet, very few marriages ended up in divorce. Things have changed.
We live in a culture where 50% or more of marriages wind up in divorce—including within the church. And many remarry all the time.
Interestingly, the apostle Paul makes an exception for divorce in I Corinthians 7. There, Paul says if the unbeliever in a marriage wants to leave, to let them leave, and the believer is free to remarry. This tells us something about Jesus’ teaching on divorce. It was not exhaustive, but restricted to the larger topic of adultery which he was addressing. For this reason, I think there is another condition for divorce that is permissible: physical abuse. I can’t prove it from scripture. But, I think a man who beats his wife violates his marital oath and should be left, for the protection of the woman’s life.
Now, though Jesus remarks that marrying a divorced person is committing adultery, God also forgives. Should a remarried person get a divorce to remedy this? No. Malachi 2:16 says God hates divorce. It would only compound a bad situation. Rather, let God forgive if something wrong was done and live in dedication to one another and to God.
INTERPRETATION
There’s another New Testament passage that deals with lust, a very famous one in I John 2:16-17, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the boastful pride of lie, is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away, and also its lusts. But the one who does the will of God abides forever.”
Since sinful lusts are passing away, we should do away with them in our own lives.
What seems small to us may be a big deal to God. Lust isn’t a benign feeling. Lust is a destroyer of marriages and lives.
We must guard our hearts when it comes to secret sin. Sometimes, no one around us knows that we are falling prey to certain sins, like lust. Unless we are obvious about it, we can keep it bottled up inside. So, we must guard our hearts.
What we take into our lives will eventually come out in the open. If we fill ourselves up with secret sins like lust, or unrighteous anger, or some other secret sin, we can be assured it will come out of us in time. What we take into our hearts will fill our minds and eventually be expressed with our bodies. So, take in Godly things, like the behaviors of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). What goes in will come out.
APPLICATION
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO CONQUER LUST IN YOUR LIFE?
Avoiding Lust: These apply to all secret sins, not just lust.
- Commit to the Lord that you want purity in what you see (“I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” Job 31:1)
- Do not put yourself in a place of weakness that would invite temptation.
- Be careful what you surround yourself with regarding entertainment, social media, and social settings.
Conquering Lust:
- If you succumb to temptation, confess it right away and turn away from the opportunity.
- Consider developing a relationship of such where you can trust confessing secret sins to someone who will pray and strengthen you through it.