One-on-one time is critical to building any relationship. But what about when the other person avoids you at all costs? In this article, I’ll help parents figure out why their teens don’t want to spend time with them and how to draw teens back into a positive relationship.
Figure Out WHY Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with You
There are relational styles in parenting that are not pleasant to be around. If you’re always telling your teen what he’s doing wrong, controlling his choices, making judgmental comments, complaining, or nagging––can you really blame him for not wanting to spend time with you? If you’re not sure what you are doing wrong, then ask your teen: “Is it me?” Listen to what your teen is telling you, without correcting him or defending yourself.
Each of us has responsibility for the alienation that creeps into our relationships. If you want to get closer, find out what’s keeping your teen away. Take an honest look at yourself. Scripture says: “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Ultimately, there’s only one person you can change, and that’s you!
Making Changes … in Yourself
Criticizing, complaining, and controlling are common parenting styles that push teens away. If you are constantly criticizing your teen, then stop nagging and let your child face natural consequences. If you find yourself complaining, then start speaking in an encouraging way. If your teen is yearning for more freedom, show him how to earn it. Whatever needs to change, be honest about it. Start by recognizing what’s not working and talk to someone about the changes you want to make. Accountability will help you make the necessary changes.
During the teens years, parents need to shift from a teaching model to a training mode. Stop telling your teen what to think and instead ask probing questions and encourage your teens to work through their own thoughts. Allow teens to have opinions, even if they are different from yours. Proverb 18:2 reminds us that fools “delight in airing their own opinions.” Trust me, your teen doesn’t want to hear your opinion, but he does want your perspective. Instead of lecturing, share your stories, your experience, and your wisdom in a new way.
Making Changes … in Your Home
Does your teen love to be at home with you? Can he relax and be himself? As teens get older, especially when they’re struggling, some parents react by becoming overly strict or focused on their teen’s appearance and behavior, when the priority should be on their relationship and what’s going on in their heart. So, make your home a place your teen can relax, even when they aren’t perfect. Instead of nagging your teen to take out the trash, clean his room, or do homework, offer grace when your teen makes mistakes. Allow for mood swings and bad days, and keep loving your teen through them all.
Consider making physical changes to transform your home into a more welcoming place, a place your teen wants to be. Perhaps it’s time to reorganize the family room to create a space for games and activities together, let your teen make dinner in the kitchen, or open up your home to a pet. Yes, it will get messy, but your home should be a place the whole family can enjoy. Once you put your finger on the thing your teen is recoiling from––whatever it is––think about how you might change your approach and the atmosphere of your home.
Making Changes … in Your Schedule
Do you drop everything when your teen wants to talk? It’s easy to say you want to spend time with your teen, but it can be difficult to step back from work, chores, and other tasks in order to listen to your teen. Now is the time to make your teen a priority in your schedule. Siblings, work, school, and sports can make your teen feel pushed aside.
So, consider how you can change your schedule to allow the family to eat more meals together, or take time off to do things your teen likes to do. Be willing to do whatever it takes to prevent your teen from getting lost in the busyness of life. Establish regular, intentional, one-on-one time to be with your teen. Even if your teen acts like he wants nothing to do with you, keep pursuing the relationship. Spend time with them anyway.
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … being rejected by someone who lives in your own home is tough. But let me assure you that this is more than likely a temporary phase that will soon pass, if you take advantage of the time and make sure you are not the one causing the alienation. Consider the possibility that you may be the cause of the strain on the relationship. Ask others about the way you engage. Ask your teen what they would love to see change in your family and be honest about any bad habits you recognize in your life.
Your teens want to have a relationship with you! They long to be close to you. If you can’t change them, you have to figure out ways to change yourself. Your willingness to make changes will set a positive example for your teen to do the same.
www.parentingtodaysteens.org.