Authenticity is vital to having a healthy relationship with your teen. No teen is perfect, and neither is any parent! Until your child is able to know and share in your stories of imperfection, your relationship with your teen will not go deeper. Until you become authentic, your relationship with your teen will remain on the surface level. In this article, I’ll share how you can build a healthy habit of having authentic conversations with your teen. Let’s begin with describing what an “authentic” conversations with a teen looks and sounds like.
Characteristics of Authentic Conversations With Your Teen:
1. Authentic conversations allow for both parties to be imperfect. Sharing struggles and mistakes actually becomes a point of connection in a relationship. Your connection goes deeper when you are able to open up about difficult times. When Mom and Dad are imperfect and admit to it, a teen feels the freedom to be real without being judged. Give permission for your teen to not be perfect all the time. While some parents fear that allowing their teen to see their flaws will diminish their authority, in the teen years it takes open, honest conversations to get at what matters the most. When you let your teen know your weaknesses, it opens the door to allow them to share their struggles with you. Your teen doesn’t need another perfect Instagram influencer in their life; they need parents who are willing to talk about the good times, as well as the bad.
2. Authentic conversations don’t force things. Moms, I’m talking to you: A “teachable moment” doesn’t have to happen in every conversation. That worked for the first 12 years, but now your teen needs a relationship with you. If all you’re doing is sharing talking points all day long, there’s no room for authentic conversation—it’s a lecture, and teenagers have a finely-tuned lecture detector that triggers immediate mental shutdown.
Your talks don’t have to be long and involved. It’s okay to be quiet too. The proverbial wisdom says, “Even a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut.” I find that often teens are comfortable with smaller bits and pieces of thoughtful conversations. Short, authentic exchanges will build up your relationship over time. Think of authentic conversations like snacking throughout the day rather than sitting down for a formal seven-course meal—both provide nourishment, but one feels significantly less intimidating.
3. Authentic conversations include the truth in love. Most teens today don’t have deep connections. So much of their communication happens online or on social media where people are presenting what they want people to see. These are shallow connections—filled with people pretending to live their best life while hiding behind carefully curated digital masks. There’s a good chance your teen is immersed in these kinds of negative communications and are lacking face to face interactions.
But you can be a voice of truth and love! Express your genuine love for your teen. Let them know that there’s nothing they can do to make you love them more and nothing they can do to make you love them less. This unconditional acceptance creates the atmosphere of safety your teen needs to be honest with you. In a culture of conditional approval and performance-based acceptance, your unwavering love stands as a lighthouse in the storm of adolescence.
4. Authentic conversations start when someone asks a question. Even parents need to work on their conversation skills sometimes. Good conversations don’t just happen—they take time, intention, and a willingness to truly listen. You can spark a great conversation by asking a good question. Ask a question, then another, then another, and keep going. Don’t be afraid of silence. It gives your teen an opportunity to think and answer. Work on creating an atmosphere in your relationship that helps your teen feel safe to share what’s on their mind.
Your teen may not open up right away. Your teen has spent years hearing your voice—now they need to know you’re equally interested in hearing theirs. So wear your ears out by listening. Show curiosity about who they are becoming. Your attention is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
Triage When the Lines of Communication Have Shut Down:
Authentic conversations don’t start overnight. It takes time to build trust, knock down walls of resistance, and bridge gaps that have formed in your relationship with your teen. Start by being open with your teen—communicate that you want to start connecting again, even though you haven’t been talking to each other lately. If your conversations aren’t going deep, start by telling your teen that you desire to have a closer relationship and you’re ready to work towards it. If needed, fess up to any attitudes of judgment toward your teen and ask for forgiveness.
Ask questions about what your teen is interested in. Allow them to teach you about what they are interested in, and be willing to learn from them. As you’re rebuilding your communication lines, you don’t need to make every conversation “important”––not every talk needs to become a “teachable moment.” Just be genuinely interested in what your teen has to say. Ask a random or interesting question and see how your teen replies. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is a relationship with a teenager. Each small, genuine interaction is a brick in the foundation of trust you’re rebuilding. Patience isn’t just a virtue here—it’s an absolute necessity.
Conclusion
Mark my words: One day you’ll realize you’re having a very real and genuine discussion with your teen, and it will come at a time when you least expect it. I guarantee you’ll walk away from that talk with a smile on your face. It will happen as a result of you being your true and authentic self in front of them—someone who is willing to encourage, exhort, and inspire! Engaging in genuine conversations with your teens will encourage them to walk in a manner worthy of God.
The journey to authentic conversations may be winding and occasionally frustrating, but the destination—a relationship with your teen built on mutual respect and genuine understanding—is worth every step of the way. As you model authenticity, your teen will learn how to have meaningful discussions because of your example of listening to understand, asking questions to take them deeper, and not correcting every expression. Your teen will remember how blameless and upright you’ve been in your example, and my prayer for you is that they follow your example as you follow that of our Lord Jesus Christ.
www,parentingtodaysteens.org.