Preparing your kids to spread their wings requires patience, humility, creativity, uniqueness, and parenting with the end in mind. Discover 7 tips that will grow you as a parent while you lean on the only perfect parent — your Heavenly Father.
Psalm 128
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5 NIV.
We need each other! It’s true, regardless of our age, our marital status, or how long we may have known the Lord. God has designed us in such a way that we need healthy, intentional relationships to help us become all He intends us to be and to strengthen and equip us for each season of life. These kinds of life-to-life relationships, fueled by His Spirit, grounded in His Word, and enabled by His grace, bless us and bless others around us. They provide mutual encouragement and support in the trenches of daily life. They rescue us from purposelessness, from discouragement, and from deception and sin.
I have lived in Titus 2 off and on for nearly a decade—during the writing of Adorned, I transitioned from being a younger woman to being an older woman and from being single to being married. Through the course of that time, I have had the joy of experiencing the outworking of this message in many different relationships—not so much in formal, structured mentoring relationships as in fluid, organic friendships that have molded and shaped my life.
As I wrote Adorned, I was reminded of the older women God has placed in my life over the years and how much I owe to them for their investment and influence. I was also inspired to become that kind of woman in the lives of the younger women He causes to intersect my life.
Each book I write ends up confronting my own heart before it ever goes to press. Adorned was no exception. I grappled afresh with what it means to glorify God, to embrace the qualities He has set before us, and to pursue Christlikeness in each of the areas addressed in this text. Repeatedly, I found the Scripture searching my own heart, showing me my need, bringing me to repentance, and leading me to say “Yes, Lord” to the message I was laying out for other women.
The principles and precepts of Titus 2 address virtually every nook and cranny of our lives and have transformational implications for our walk and our influence—at home, in the workplace, in our churches, and in the world around us.
For example, “sound doctrine” (Titus 2:1) is absolutely indispensable to a healthy heart and a godly life. It’s foundational and critical to know what God’s Word says. Scripture anchors our hearts, our emotions, and our lives to truth. But it’s not enough to just have a head knowledge of Scripture—sound doctrine is radically transformational! Lived out, it changes everything about us.
Sound doctrine is also intensely practical. What we know about God and His ways is intended to change the way we think and respond and act—day after day, moment by moment, in every situation and circumstance of life.
Every season of life provides opportunities to know God, to experience His tailor-made grace, and to gain treasures to share with those who are coming behind us. A particular season or situation we find ourselves in may feel impossibly restrictive, painful, challenging, or mundane. But as we receive and offer back up to God each circumstance, each unsolved mystery, each unanswered question, and each seemingly meaningless task, He blesses and sanctifies it all—for our joy, for our greater usefulness, and for the advance of His kingdom.
As we get older, there is a subtle temptation to want to take it easy, to retire to the sidelines and let others do the heavy lifting, to become complacent or self-indulgent—after all, we’ve paid the price, we’ve earned this break! But this is not a time to rest on our laurels or to just coast to the finish line. There are women coming behind us who need us to help them in their journey, to remind them of God’s faithfulness, and to encourage them to persevere in faith and obedience.
I believe if women would take seriously the exhortation of Titus 2:3–5, we would have fewer casualties, fewer women “stuck” in unhealthy or sinful patterns, less need for crisis counseling and long-term therapy, less depression, frustration, guilt, shame, purposelessness, and anxiety . . . and we would make room for greater joy, freedom, and usefulness. This lifestyle won’t make our problems evaporate; it won’t transport us to some pain-free existence. But it will redeem those hard places and transform even our greatest afflictions into something of great beauty and value.
We may feel disqualified from investing in the lives of younger women, due to our own weaknesses, inadequacies, insecurities, or failures. But our failures can actually be stepping stones to greater fruitfulness and effectiveness. The greatest gift we have to offer other women is not our picture-perfect lives, but our testimony of God’s mercy and grace that we have received in the midst of our helplessness and need.
Women living out the gospel make the truth visible and beautiful to others, because they see Christ in us, and they see the gospel changing us.
“The Lord raised up judges, who saved them out of the hand of those who plundered them. Yet they did not listen to their judges, for they whored after other gods and bowed down to them. They soon turned aside from the way in which their fathers had walked, who had obeyed the commandments of the Lord, and they did not do so. Whenever the Lord raised up judges for them, the Lord was with the judge, and he saved them from the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge…but whenever the judge died, they turned back and were more corrupt than their fathers…” (Judges 2:16-19).
People need leaders. Leaders are an important part of society. It is through our leaders that we chart a direction, a course for our lives. Those leaders may be political or spiritual. They may be local or national. They may be personal or family. But we all need leaders who serve as an example and help steer us toward faithfulness to Christ. The problem is that when we lose our leaders we sometimes turn away and forget the Lord and what he has done for us. This is what happened to Israel and it happens to us as well.
Are you confident that after you have died your children and grandchildren will know the Lord and follow him? When your leadership passes, will they take up the mantle that you have laid down and bring Christ to their succeeding generations? If we want the generation after us to know the Lord, we must be sure that we are modeling that kind of relationship with God. It is through our words and our example that the next generation comes to know the Lord.
Memory Verse
“These words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
Application
Pray and ask the Lord to never let there be a generation of your family that doesn’t know the Lord. Then live that out in front of them. Be bold and take the initiative with those whom you love, that they will follow the Lord long after you are gone.
“Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the Lord, died at the age of 110 years…and all that generation also were gathered to their fathers. And there arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord or the work that he had done for Israel. And the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord” (Judges 2:8,10-11).
Are you bewildered at what has happened to America? It seems that all of our values have turned upside down and people no longer believe in the principles that one made America a respected nation. People no longer believe the Bible or pass down its principles to the next generation. Many people have tried, but they have missed an important principles. Passing down are values can only do so much. What we must pass down, instead, is not principles, but a person.
Notice what the writer of Judges says. He doesn’t say people didn’t know the Bible or their history. He said they “Did not know the Lord.” It wasn’t the lack of heritage of principles that hurt the nation, it was that they didn’t know the God who loved them. King David recognized this in his own time. When he was dying he didn’t tell Solomon to know the law. Instead, he said, “Now as for you, my son, Solomon, know the God of your father” (I Chronicles 28:9).
What are you passing down to your children? Is it the principles in the Bible or the person of Christ. Consider that we get to Heaven not through what we know, but by who we know. Many people will try to live by the Bible but not make it to Heaven. We only get to Heaven by knowing the Lord. In the same way, America cannot be saved just by doing what the Bible says. But by knowing its central figure, Jesus. Only Jesus saves.
Memory’s Verse
“As for you, my son, Solomon, know the God of your father” (I Chronicles 28:9).
Application
Make it a point to encourage your children and grandchildren to know the Lord. Pray with them, addressing God personally and with tenderness of heart and expression. Make it clear to those after you that you know the Lord, and want them to know him too.
Paul, the apostle, probably gave us the most pragmatic model for making a successful transition in leadership. He penned thirteen New Testament epistles for the sole purpose of helping the fledgling believers in Asia to get on their feet. Paul devoted three pastoral epistles to train young pastors. First and Second Timothy and Titus are still used as the “modus operandi” for Christian ministers. Titus had the daunting task of “straightening out” the carnal Cretan Christians. (Titus 1:5) Timothy was Paul’s “beloved son in the faith.” (2 Timothy 1:1) As Paul encouraged young Timothy with fatherly pride, he gave the young pastor comprehensive counsel on how to worship, how to recognize false teachers, how to select and develop church leaders, how to help the needy, how to teach tithing and how to preach with authenticity and authority. (1 Timothy 1-6)
Paul’s last letter to Timothy was penned in the waning years of his life when he languished in a Roman prison cell. The great apostle had transitioned from the role of power to wisdom. He was no longer on the front lines. However, in hindsight, no one would question the fact that Paul’s most productive years were not planting churches, they were spent writing half of the New Testament. Long after the little church at Thessalonike had disappeared, Paul’s letter to the Thessalonian believers would be a guide for centuries of churches. His doctrinal treatise to the Romans is the clearest theological presentation of the gospel in scripture. But Paul’s heart for people, especially for pastors, gave us a glimpse of the heart of a mentor.
The profound sentiment and intimate tone of Second Timothy resemble the deeply personal words a father would say to his son on his deathbed. Paul wrote that his days were numbered. Paul assured his beloved Timothy that he prayed for him continuously and earnestly (2 Timothy 1:3). That’s what a father in the faith would do. He encouraged Timothy on his spiritual journey by marveling at how much the young pastor had grown (2 Timothy 1:5) and what great potential he had (2 Timothy 1: 6-7). Paul admonished his “Son in the Lord” to be bold in his evangelism (2 Timothy 1: 8), vigilant in doctrine, powerful in preaching, and pure in his personal life. (2 Timothy 2) He confided in Timothy that he felt his time on earth was drawing to a close, but even in those moments, he challenged Timothy with these words in 2 Timothy 4:6-8:
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day — and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” NIV
Oh, that we all would have mentors in our lives who would train us so artfully and lovingly! Wait! We do! The Bible is our training manual with complete instructions for “life and godliness.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17) We can learn how to be gentle shepherds of God’s flocks, dynamic leaders to further the kingdom, and powerful preachers of the gospel. That’s not all. We have Jesus living in us in the person of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Now we not only know what to do, we have the grace to do it.
• Do you know your spiritual gifts? List them here. Do you already have a ministry? If you do not, how would you like to serve God?
• Do you have a mentor who walks beside you to encourage and admonish you? Were your parents, pastors, or teach- ers who were mentors for you? Ask God to bring mentors into your life.
• Do you have a young “Timothy” that you can teach? Perhaps your “flock” is your family-your children. Perhaps you know some younger Christians in your church. How can you mentor them today? What are some lessons Paul taught Timothy that would be helpful for those whom you influence?
Elisha witnessed God’s power in his mentor’s life, so he was hungry for God’s power and anointing to rest on him as well.
Dear Roger,
Hurricanes, floods, wildfires, brutal ice and snowstorms, oppressive heat and droughts. On the airwaves, Christian leaders beg God to perform a miracle and stay global warming.
I was confused. Was this God’s judgment on us for turning so dramatically away from its spiritual roots of Christianity?
Did God really answer prayers to stay these disasters?
I wondered if the problem was that American Christians just didn’t have enough many people praying?
Thanks,
Adam
Dear Adam,
So many of us wonder if natural disasters can be God’s judgment for a nation’s sin. The answer to that is simple. Yes, God does sometimes uses nature to punish sin.
In 2 Chronicles 7:13-14 God proclaims how He sometimes deals with sin.
13 “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
Let’s think for a moment about the United States. Does the U.S. stand under God’s hand of Judgment? No doubt. America is no longer a God-fearing nation. It is trending toward a secular country. Sin is everywhere–from top to bottom–from the president to congress to the common people.
Mrs. Billy Graham said: If God does not bring judgment upon America then He will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.”
So, we hear about climate change with PAX storms from the frigid arctic paralyzing the entire Eastern half of our nation with snow and ice. Floods and hurricanes are the worst in recent history. Tornadoes are roaring though Tornado Alley at an increasingly prodigious rate. Extreme weather proliferates.
The western half of the United States is experiencing a decade-long drought. California is out of water, blazing with wildfires. Many say, “These are God’s judgment on a sinful society.”
I don’t think so. These are simply manifestations of natural disasters.
God’s judgment looks entirely different. When a nation rejects God, loses its conscience and acts as if consequences to sin are inconsequential, God turns His back on that nation. He basically says, “You have rejected Me so I will reject you. You are on your own. Make the best of it as you rot away from the inside and fall inwardly upon yourselves to utter destruction.
Please, read the following passage from Romans 1:18-32. You will see the United States, indeed the world, under God’s judgment.
“The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness…
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans 1:18-32).
God’s judgment on America is allowing the internal turmoil that will destroy our country from the inside. The breakdown of the social fabric of many nations has brought on anarchy and civil war. Leaders lie to us regularly. I am reminded of Aaron who tried to excuse his sin by saying, “Don’t blame me. The people wanted a god they could see. Invisible gods are hard to see. All I did was throw in the gold and out jumped this calf.”
Who is to say we in the United States are any different. Sin abounds, the very principles we hold dear are being torn asunder and we cry, Don’t blame me.”
Most natural are simply just that, natural disasters.
For example, ice ages cover massive parts of the earth occur every 11,000 to 14,000 years. The last great ice age occurred 11,000 years ago. We are due for another. Why? Because over time the sun varies in the amount of heat it dispenses.
Climate change is nothing new. Centuries ago Mesopotamia was lush and fertile with abundant rainfall. Now it is desert. The Holy Land was not called the “land of milk and honey” for nothing.
Volcanoes in the Pacific Ring of Fire occur naturally as continental plates collide. Tsunamis result from underwater landslides deep in the ocean which produce water upheaval that create huge waves as they approach land.
We can think about God’s judgment on America; we also know that He has judgment reserved for our sinful world.
The Book of Revelation has three cycles of disasters that occur just before the Lord Jesus returns to set up His earthly kingdom. The first is man’s judgment upon himself. The second cycle is that Satan does to man. The third cycle is God’s judgment upon mankind. The cycles increase in intensity
Man is producing disasters that are not natural, they result from man and his behaviors–like nuclear reactor meltdowns rise in sea levels and fuel emissions.
Global warming will destroy our world. The atmosphere of now filled with carbon dioxide. The surface temperature there is over 840 degrees.
The book of Revelation clearly links the disasters of the end times with the Judgment of God. Revelation categorizes the disasters as famine, plague, war, wild beasts. These first four kill off one quarter of mankind.
Then come massive earthquakes, energy from the sun increasing to destructive levels, cataclysmic events upon the sun and moon. The earth, rivers and seas are contaminated, demonic manifestations torment millions,
Finally, God pours out His wrath upon mankind. It begins with painful sores; every creature in the rivers and oceans dies. The sun increases in intensity killing many. Massive nuclear war occurs.
At long last Jesus says, “Now, I am coming to earth.”
We must continue to live godly lives and help the hurting. They need us more than ever. It’s time to pray and preach the Word with boldness and compassion.
I hope this helps!
Love, Roger
Can you parent as a grandparent? Here are the thoughts of Dr. Kevin Leman from his podcast on the subject with Andrea and Doug:
“Doug: Some day, we’ll all likely be grandparents. What do you do if your kids start dropping your kids off more and more and asking you to be their parent? Can you parent as a grandparent? Well, we need to know if you end up having to parent as a grandparent. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today.
Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you just told us a really interesting story about someone who emailed you a question from a grandparent. It got me thinking. I think there’s probably more people that listen to this that either are having to parent as a grandparents, or someday were going to do it. What do we need to know if we get in this situation?
Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you, I think there’s an awful lot of grandparents out there, number one, who are rearing their grandchildren. There’s a lot of grandparents out there whose adult children are using their parents, the child’s grandparents, in a negative way, in a way that they expect the grandparents to drop everything they’re doing and to give safe harbor to their grandchildren. Now, we have four grandchildren. Quite frankly, we go to great lengths to be with them. Two of them live in Chicago, which is not exactly next door to Tucson, Arizona.
Dr. Leman: In fact, my dear wife is flying up there in a week or so to be with our daughter, Hannah, and her husband, and those two little twins because both of them work and they’re like a lot of couples. We want to be helpful parents. Let’s face it, grandparents, you are mature. You’ve gone through life. You know a few things. By the time we get to the grandparent stage, we’re pretty steady and predictable, and again, a safe harbor.
Dr. Leman: As I was telling you the other day, I got a question from a woman and I really felt so sad because the parent comes and drops off her daughter and leaves her there. I mean, leaves her there. She leaves her there. She doesn’t say, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.” She just leaves them and takes off. Grandparents never know when she’s going to come back. It can be two weeks later. It can be a week later. It could be three days later. Here’s a daughter who has absolutely no respect for her parents, and she uses those grandparents, their good will, good nature, and their love for their grandchild. You tell me, what would you do? I know what I told her to do, but I’d love to know what you guys would do if you’re the grandparents and you have a daughter, doesn’t have a husband, is single mom and she brings by this little granddaughter, drops her off and you never know when she’s going to come back. What would you do?
Andrea: Oh, I’d be taking care of that grand baby, loving on it and just treating it like, “Well, you’re here now and as long as you’re here I’m mom, I guess.”
Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. I think that’s how most people would respond, that, “This is my granddaughter and I love her and I want what’s best for her. Yes, we’ll take her to school. Yes, we’ll pack her lunches. Yes, we’ll give her money if she needs it,” and all those kind of things.
Andrea: I’d probably even be considering adopting her.
Dr. Leman: Well, I tell you, here’s what I shot back to grandma. I said, “You know what? This is a situation that doesn’t have a happy ending. The best thing you can possibly do is to start refusing taking your granddaughter until you reach an agreement with your daughter that you have guardianship of that nine year old.” This daughter is … God only knows what she’s doing. What she’s doing is not good. I can tell you that from the kind of things that the grandmother had shared with me. Again, parents, it’s a catch 22. You want to help your grandchild, but you best help your grandchild by getting guardianship of that nine year old. Now, that costs money. You have to have cooperation with your daughter. Whether your daughter caves in and gives it to you is up for grabs, but you can’t go through life just having somebody drop a youngster, someone you love, off at your house and not knowing where she is and when she’s going to be back.
Dr. Leman: What if you guys have plans to go someplace and maybe see one of your other children, or one of you is still employed and have employment responsibilities. It’s a no win. As tough as that advice is for people, the best solution is to try to get guardianship. Once you have guardianship, then you can go ahead and you can really rear that nine year old as the parent. Then, mom has visiting rights, so to speak, for lack of a better term. She sees the kid’s mother, but you can imagine this child is just nine years old. What is she going to be like at 14? She needs somebody that’s going to really model stability and currently mom is just all over the place. Again, I’m very suspect that she’s a druggie and doing a lot of things that she shouldn’t be doing.
Doug: If the grandparents refuse the daughter unless they get guardianship and the daughter refuses, what’s going to happen to that … my grandchild?
Dr. Leman: See, this is where a situation like this we feel like we’re over the barrel. It’s just like the parent that writes in and says, “My son refuses to take his medication. It’s really important he takes his medication.” Well, the kid’s got you over the barrel. Kids and adults know when they have you over the barrel. They’ll work you. People aren’t for using. I know that. Is this easy to pull off? No. It’s not easy at all. Is it simple? No. It’s not simple either, Leman. This is difficult stuff, but you have to have a heart to heart with daughter. I mean, I’m suspect that the grandparents are also helping the daughter financially. They help her financially and she takes off on a two week binge someplace, hit and miss at work and all that. It’s a crisis in the making. I’ve awfully said, “I’d rather force a blowout than watch it slow leak itself to death.” These are tough questions. Most of your parents who are listening are saying, “Oh my goodness. I’m glad that’s not our situation.” It’s tough.
Andrea: Is there any hope that by the grandparents standing up and saying to the daughter, “Well, you need to give us guardianship if we’re going to keep doing this,” that she might actually recognize what she’s doing and she just is waiting for somebody to hold her accountable and she might-
Dr. Leman: She might.
Andrea: Come out of this-
Dr. Leman: She might.
Andrea: Behavior?
Dr. Leman: Again, permissiveness reigns in our society, and caving in and giving in. Very few people draw lines and says, “This is no longer manageable for us.” Imagine, grandparents living life and all of a sudden, without notice, there’s no phone call or anything, she just drops her off at the house and leaves. I mean just totally non-responsible behavior. You get the authorities involved, then there’s more problems down the line. I think this is something you want to try to solve as grandparents and cut a deal with your daughter for one specific reason, and that is you want to give that granddaughter, in this case, the best predictable, safe environment where she’s going to feel loved and she has some stability. Nine year olds need that, believe me.
Doug: You know what I really appreciate about this example is, for me, you have used this phrase before, “I prefer a blowout than a slow leak, and people are not to be taken advantage of.” It’s like, “Yeah, I get it now.” If I’m ever being taken advantage of, I should force the issue instead of just limping along like this. In all of life, whether you’re a grandparent or not, that’s great.
Doug: Well, before we finish, ’cause I have another question for grandparents here, I want to take this moment for all our podcast listeners, again, to tell you about the eBook special, thank from Baker Books, for you and you alone, a book by Dr. Leman called Born to Win for $1.99, June four to ten of 2019. Dr. Leman, I’m embarrassed to say so, I haven’t read Born to Win. I don’t know if I’ve even heard about it, which [crosstalk 00:08:37]-
Andrea: I don’t know if I’ve heard of it either.
Dr. Leman: Well-
Doug: What is this one about?
Dr. Leman: Who do you suppose is born to win? Take a guess.
Doug: Andrea-
Andrea: The baby-
Doug: ‘Cause she’s sweet.
Dr. Leman: Nope.
Doug: The middle child, ’cause we’re both middle children.
Dr. Leman: No.
Andrea: The only child.
Doug: No, no, ’cause we’re middle children. No?
Dr. Leman: The firstborn.
Doug: Ah.
Andrea: We’re all born to win.
Dr. Leman: The firstborn. They are born to win.
Andrea: Yeah.
Dr. Leman: It’s all about firstborn children. If you’re a firstborn-
Doug: So this is-
Dr. Leman: Or if you have a firstborn, you might really enjoy reading Born to Win.
Doug: It does help to get behind their eyeballs and understand it, doesn’t it? Born to Win, $1.99 June four to ten of 2019. Now, favorite part of the segment, Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman.
Dr. Leman: You know, you don’t have to walk very far to find a smart mouthed kid these days. You’ll find them in schools. You’ll find them on a playground. This is so difficult to say to you parents. You may even find them in your home. You know, kids today view themselves as social equals. They don’t really see authority in a proper manner. Parents, quite frankly, don’t act in authority. They tend to be permissive and then they swing to authoritarian. We’ll discuss that one at another time, but the point is is that these kids know where you are, how you operate. I’ll tell you, they can pull your chain. The question is, when your child is really smart mouth to you, ask yourself this question. What was the purpose of nature of that? Was it to show you that he or she is the boss, that they want to simply just dis your authority?
Dr. Leman: It could be, but the point is, words hurt and you don’t have to just come back immediately. If you do, you engage in fighting. Remember, fighting is an act of what? Cooperation. After the hurtful words, go about your business. I’m telling you, I don’t care if your kid is six or 16, it’s going to be a very short period of time when they come to you and say, “Mommy, would you get me this?” Or, “Mom, can I go over to John’s house?” Maybe they’re driving the car. “Hey dad, can I take the car?” Well, a simply dosage of vitamin N will get your son or daughter’s attention. What does that mean? A simple, “No. I don’t feel like getting you anything right now.” “Honey, no, you can’t take the car.” Turn your back. Walk away.
Dr. Leman: Now, again, do not engage in battle. You have gold in your back pocket, parents, okay? I call this parental poker. You have four aces in your back pocket as well. You don’t have to always play those cards, you just have to have the assurance that those cards are there. Quite frankly, your kid wouldn’t have underwear on right now if you didn’t buy it for him. Who’s kidding who? You are in full authority over your children.
Dr. Leman: Now, here’s the fun part, I think. They’re going to dig. They’re going to say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You always let me go to John’s house. You always let me do this.” Let them really squirm and figure out that maybe what they said an hour and a half earlier was very inappropriate. Don’t tell them right off the bat. Again, let them sort of guess and figure it out. Finally, he or she will figure it out. “Oh, I’m sorry about what I said this morning.” “Well, honey, I’m glad you could say you’re sorry. That’s really important.” “Well, can I take the car now?” “No, but we’ll revisit that another day.” That’s Straight Talk from the good old Dr. Leman. I’m telling you, this stuff works.
Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Here’s my question. For the grandparents that are not in that dire of a situation but we do have the classic, “Truly the parents are super permissive and when they come over to my house, my grandparents just are out of control. I don’t agree with their parenting style. What do I do when I have them in my house for five hours or maybe overnight? What do I do with their unruly behavior?”
Dr. Leman: Well the simple sentence is, “Honey, in our home we don’t do that,” works, whether it’s putting your feet on the furniture or whatever. Here’s the interesting thing that I’ve observed over the years, Doug and Andrea, that kids can go from one environment to another with a completely different set of rules and they adjust to it. Grandparents, don’t lower your expectations for your grandchildren. I would tell you, when the grandchildren come over, okay, have fun. Do a little thought about, “Hey, what could we do with … grandkids are coming over.” Maybe your kids have said, “Hey, we want to take off for a weekend. Would you take the kids for a weekend?” “Okay, we’d be glad to.”
Dr. Leman: Well, rather than just sit around grandma and grandpa’s house, which a lot of grandparents are very comfortable in doing, plan a couple things. In fact, asking your grandchild’s opinion of, “Honey, would each of you give grandma and grandpa one idea of things you think might be fun for all of us to do this coming weekend? I know you’re coming over Friday night and you’re going to be here til Saturday late, so come up with a couple things and grandma … grandpa and I will talk about it and we’ll figure something out,” so that time with your grandchildren is meaningful and you can have a fun time together.
Doug: The recommendation is make it fun when they do come over and keep your standards going, that they will adjust to being at your house with whatever standards-
Dr. Leman: They will.
Doug: You have.
Dr. Leman: They will adjust to whatever your expectations are.
Doug: When I think about when we have some of our nieces and nephews come over, they do adapt to our behavior.
Andrea: Yeah.
Doug: It is interesting. You’re right. Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. You might hear a frog in our background. We have a frog in our garage that we cannot find. If you hear something croaking-
Dr. Leman: I love it.
Doug: If you hear something croaking, it’s not Andrea.
Andrea: No, it’s not.
Doug: It’s actually a frog.
Dr. Leman: Okay, people, Doug and Andrea are hillbillies. You remember the old hillbillies? The Beverly Hillbillies-
Doug: Oh, come on-
Dr. Leman: These are Oregon hillbillies.
Doug: Come on.
Dr. Leman: They got a frog in there.
Doug: We can’t find it. We’ve been looking for like a week.
Dr. Leman: You know why-
Doug: It tells you how cluttered our garage is.
Dr. Leman: You know what the frog said? He said, “Pardon me, I have a man in my throat.”
www.birthorderguy.com. Used by permission.
Did you know that every time a lion pride hunts together it is a lightly organized operation? They do not test their potential prey for weakness like other predators do. The only weakness they are looking for is isolation. If they can remove a single animal from it’s herd, lunch is easily delivered, even if the animal they are hunting is much larger or faster than the lions themselves.
Knowing our place
We are much like a lion’s unsuspecting prey, because we are all made weak and vulnerable by isolation. We may be living life, oblivious to the threat, but the threat is there, and it is real.
First Peter 5:8 puts it this way, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
Staying disconnected has the power to do much more than simply make us feel lonely. It may be what the enemy uses to prey upon you and bring you down.
Back to the Garden
Let’s head back to the Garden of Eden to take a look at exactly how isolation led to the fall of all mankind.
In Genesis 3:2-5, the serpent, who likely had been lurking in the grass for a while, sees his opportunity to deceive God’s children and moves in for the kill.
“And the woman said to the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, “You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, ‘You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’”
I believe Satan was hunting Eve. He waited for a moment when she was not surrounded by her community. Verse six tells us that Adam was nearby, but maybe he was just slightly out of earshot. And even if he wasn’t, Eve apparently didn’t take the time to talk to him about what was happening. We see in her the first woman with an independent streak as she determined that she would process the information Satan was giving her and make the decision all on her own.
Would things have turned out differently for Eve if she had simply said, “Let me talk to my husband about it,” before taking a bite of that rotten fruit? Certainly, she would have been even more protected against this attack if she had talked to her husband and consulted with God. God had given her a double-layered safety net through a relationship with him and a relationship with Adam, but she cut right through the net and put herself in grave danger by deciding to go at it alone. What happened next reminds us that we are all daughters of Eve.
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. (Gen. 3:7-8)
Isolation set Eve up to sin. Then, her shame led to an even deeper isolation and feeling of loneliness.
Here’s the big takeaway: When we step outside of community, we become infinitely more susceptible to temptation and sin. In this way, loneliness is less of an emotion and more of a military strategy effectively used by our enemy. Our shame then lies to us and tells us that isolation is the only way to regain control. In this way, loneliness and shame become a two-edged sword that is very effective at takings us out at the knees.
A church at the stadium
Researchers recently surveyed those who regularly attend church services to get a feel for their experiences. Sixty-six percent of the people they talked to said they feel they have a “real and personal connection” with God while attending church.
However, the study also revealed that more than a quarter of those surveyed agreed with the statement that church feels “like a group of people sharing the same space in a public event but who are not connected in a real way.” Another nine percent of those surveyed weren’t sure if they were connecting to others in their church or not. I have to wonder if the people in this group know what connectedness feels like if or they’ve settled for a synthetic substitute.
What people were saying is that for them church feels like going to a football game. They stadium is packed. They are surrounded by people who all want the same thing. The mood is light, but they are not really connected. At the end of the day, the sermon, the service, the game, they will go back home to their lonely lives with the same sense they could never tell what’s really going on.
I think this trend is less a reflection on the state of our churches, and more evidence of a personal problem. To start, many of us have a bad theology of the church. We don’t get that God’s clear vision for the church is that it be our family—the unit in which we become more like Christ— and the hub of the gospel. Instead we think of it more as a social club. What’s more, as individuals we refuse to get real about our sin. We want to keep up appearances. We want people to think we’re really good people. We prefer to think of church as a country club where we wear our best clothes, including a pretty mask, instead of a hospital where we can get bound up and healed through the loving care of others.
Are you lonely? If so, is it possible that sin is the root cause? Can you look back and see that Satan waited for moments when you were outside your community? He attacked, and then he lied to you and told you shame should banish you to the bushes, making you feel even more alone.
It’s time to fall into your safety net. Seek God, and ask him to reveal the sin in your life. Confess it to him right then and there. Don’t hide yourself or your junk. But don’t stop there. Tell your Christian friends. Tell your pastor. Tell your mentor. Tell your family. Keep telling until you see the lion pride slink away and set their sights in a different direction.
https://erlc.com/resource-library/articles/how-loneliness-makes-us-vulnerable-to-sin
During a home Bible study I attended recently, someone asked the question, “How do I know what God has given me to use for his kingdom?”
There were a lot of answers around the room about spiritual gifts, financial resources, etc. But as I thought about it, it occurred to me that God has given us three areas of life with which we can serve him and take part in the Great Commission. All of us posses these three categories of usefulness. So, if you’ve wondered what you have in your life to serve God with, here is your answer.
God has given every Christian:
• A Place
• A Power, and
• A Purse
Now let me briefly explain each one so you can see where these fit into your life.
Place
This is the location where we live, or work, or educate, or take part in any variety of activities. Where we are is where God has us, and where God has us is where he needs us to be to have impact for his kingdom. So, ask yourself some questions. Do I know my neighbors? What is my relationship like with the people I work with? What associations am I a part of where I can give God a voice? What are the needs of my family and/or extended family? You can continue these questions on your own. Any place where you are is the place that God has you at the moment where you can give a voice for his kingdom.
Power
Power, in this context, refers to abilities that we have that we can used for God’s kingdom. These may be natural abilities or supernatural abilities, otherwise known as spiritual gifts. Do you want to know what your gift is? First ask yourself, what motivates you? Do you like to share your testimony? If so, act as an evangelist. Do you like doing things for people, fixing things, serving other people’s needs? Then do so with gusto, always ready to use whatever opportunities you may have as a witness for who Christ is.
Every believer in Jesus has a power, whether a natural ability you were born with, or an ability you acquired through education, training, or experience, and a spiritual gift that God wants to use for the Great Commission. In your place, use your power.
Purse
Automatically you may think of financial resources. This is true. We all have some level of financial resources to use for the kingdom. Maybe you are wealthy but have never considered using your wealth to fund ministry projects, or missionaries. You financial resources can multiply with others to have a big impact for the Great Commission. Think of how many people’s lives can be changed for eternity through your resources.
Do you have little money? You can still give. The widow put in two mites—miniscule—but it was all she had and Jesus praised her for it. Certainly, you have more.
But the purse goes beyond cash. We have other assets that can help fulfill the Great Commission. Perhaps you have a home suited for hosting evangelistic Bible studies. You don’t need much. Just a room, some chairs, a Bible, and a heart to help people learn about Jesus.
Maybe you have physical resources that can help others, like tools for a building project or renovation. A car to shuttle people to church or to transport the homeless to a shelter. Whatever physical or financial resources you have, you have something that you can give to help fulfill the Great Commission. So, in your place, use your power, with your resources.
It doesn’t matter if you start small or go big. Everyone, everyone, has a place, a power, and a purse that can be used by God for his kingdom. And the reward you will receive will be a place in Heaven, with the power to enjoy it, and a purse in Heaven that Jesus says will never wear out.
Do you want to be useful? Pray first, then get up and start at it, and see God begin to work through your life to change the lives of others.
——
Tom can be contacted through his website at guywithabible.com
There are times when we the best of our logic fails to understand the worst of other’s behaviors. It’s part of the oddity or maybe complexity of the human psyche that we sometimes make choices that defy any shred of reason or seem void of even the slightest hint of sensibility. More times than we can count we stand in awe of the choices that some people make, standing at some distance shaking our heads in disoriented disbelief and wondering what in the world they were thinking. Sometimes our own choices are perplexingly confusing, defying our own logic and leaving us patently bewildered and entirely befuddled at who we are and what we just did. Clearly, we can be our greatest puzzle and most mysterious mystery.
Yet, the most inexplicably confounding situations are those when these rather irrational decisions are made at the expense of others. Sure, we can make wildly poor choices that effect ourselves in ways slight or significant. I suppose it’s within our rights to chart spurious courses that descend to dark places as long as the only person that ends up in those dark places with us is ‘us.’ It would seem that we can “shoot ourselves in the foot” as long as it’s our foot and no one else’s. Yet, far too frequently we shoot a lot of other’s feet other than our own.
And so the pressing and rather incendiary question becomes, why would we take someone else down with us? What in the world behooves us to make choices that reach out with arms either long or short, grab someone else in whatever way we do that and drag them down? Why is it that we just can’t leave others alone? To the contrary, we find ourselves incessantly goaded by some potent force that’s sufficiently compelling to override any sense of responsibility and silence any voice of morality to the point that we pull others in and push them down with issues that aren’t even theirs? What compels us to make choices that are certain to seize the course of the life of another and set their path on some dizzying descent?
Self-Preservation
When life presses us with an unnerving intensity we are reflexively prone to revert to defensive position of self-preservation. Sure, it’s quite easy to be graciously gracious and heroically selfless when the cost of doing so isn’t all that significant. We can look quite the part when we don’t have a lot of skin in the game or when we know that we’re not likely to be skinned while we’re in the game. We live within limits that are long on self and short on others, so it doesn’t take long before we take the shortest route to the closest place of safety. If we ruthlessly strip away all the pleasantries and pretenses that we gaudily wrap ourselves in we will find that self-preservation lays seated underneath it all as the irreparably non-negotiable objective that is so core to the base side of ourselves that we will instinctively sacrifice others to insure it.
Therefore, as the cost/benefit analysis swings away from us we’re more likely to gradually or not so gradually swing the cost over onto others. We’re noble, but noble to a point. We’re generous, but only to the degree that what we’re getting sufficiently offsets what we’re giving. We will extend ourselves in ways that appear magnanimous and philanthropic as long as we don’t have to extend ourselves beyond arm’s reach of ourselves. And these points where we pull up and stop are most often based on our tolerance for sacrifice and the degree to which we’re willing to absorb pain. There comes a point where the responsibility of accountability is just a bit too revealing, where the selflessness of putting ourselves aside is pinching our egos a bit too hard, and where the concept of sacrifice and the ‘good of our fellowman’ hasn’t given us all that much in return, if it’s given us anything at all.
Our Expectations
When the world around us doesn’t reciprocate our simple acts of simply being a ‘good person’ in the manner in which we feel it should, we begin to become toxically jaded and we take a darker turn into ourselves. When the world is perceived by us as intrinsically greedy, when it seems that every action is driven by a darkly covert agenda, and when the rampant selfishness appears wholly unrepentant and entirely irreparable we pull inward and we put up impenetrable walls. And in putting up the walls we would be quite wise to ask if the things that we find so aberrant and awful are indeed the very things we ourselves engage in. It may well be that our own greed is worse than those that we condemn because we too often demand that we dictate what we give to those around us, we demand how the they will respond to what we have given them, all the while condemning the world of the very offenses that we ourselves are equally guilty of.
If we are not aware of such caustic distortions, we will make it about us. And in making it about us we’re foolishly led to believe that all of our many cherished expenditures are never expended because they never move outside of us. It’s all about us investing all of ‘us’ back into all of ‘us.’ This self-sabotaging, self-absorbing cycle creates an ever-hardening pattern where the deepening pain that we are inflicting on others and the manner in which we are blithely diminishing their lives begins to go entirely unnoticed. Often we are on the receiving end of such behaviors, and sometimes we’re the ones dishing them out. We’d be keenly wise to recognize it in others so that we can more prudently deal with the behaviors as we cope with the impact of them. But, we’d be ever wiser to recognize such behaviors in ourselves.
We Are Too Expensive
When we make it about us, someone, somewhere is going to go down simply because the cost of being about ‘us’ is a cost that will always extend itself beyond ‘us.’ We don’t have the life currency to make it about us, so we borrow or steal that ‘currency’ from other places and other people. Despite our frequently supercilious arguments to the contrary, we simply do not have the inherent capacity to generate everything that we need. However astounding we might perceive it to be, our capacity to independently generate resources will perpetually fall short of the resources that we actually need. Therefore, as our accumulated needs swiftly exhaust our scant resources we are forced by our limitations to reach outside of ourselves to obtain those resources. And in either borrowing or stealing those resources from someone else, that ‘someone’ is going down as we attempt to push ourselves up.
Need We Dare Remember
We’ve regularly failed to realize that being a good person pays exceedingly generous dividends far beyond anything we can borrow or steal. Riches born of sacrifice fill the coffers of heaven. Yet we miss those dividends because they’re not exactly the ones that we’re looking for, or they’ve come at some cost when we’d much prefer to receive them free of charge. Often the riches generated are held until time or attitude would render the delivery of them as far more meaningful for us, yet delayed gratification feels much the same as no gratification. And so, cynicism wins the day, pessimism reigns and we’re going to take others down with us without even recognizing that we’re doing so.
It’s quite sad enough that we do things to take ourselves down and shoot ourselves in the foot. Yet, it’s infinitely more tragic that we do that to others. We cannot control the actions of others as they perpetrate such behaviors upon us. Yet, we can control ourselves. So to avoid taking others down we’d be wise to look at the state of our heart, take the temperature of our attitude, and see if our soul is still breathing because we may find that they are all in some state that we’d much prefer them not to be. And once we’ve inventories them alive again, maybe we’ll realize that to sacrifice is to fill the coffers of heaven which will spill over into the vault of our soul. When that happens we have no need to push others down because we, by virtue of our sacrifices, have pushed ourselves up without stepping on anyone in order to do it.
© 2015 Craig Lounsbrough, M.Div., Licensed Professional Counselor
Craig Groeschel discusses the schemes of Satan to separate the older and younger generations in Christian ministry. Older generations are encouraged to invest in the younger generation, and fight a resistance to change. It’s also important to delegate authority to younger leaders. Age and experience, authenticity, wisdom and compassion of older leaders can transform and ground the lives of the younger Christian leaders.
Message delivered at Catalyst West 2010. Used by permission.
Dear Roger,
What does the Bible say about plastic surgery?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
What does the Bible say about plastic surgery? Absolutely Nothing! Plastic surgery is never mentioned in the Bible. Except for primitive attempts to put back together broken faces in war time, plastic surgery is seldom mentioned in historical records. As far as I know, plastic surgery is unknown in Bible times. Nevertheless, please allow me to share several Biblical examples of what we might call “Divine Plastic surgery”.
Your question appears to be more than simply idle curiosity? Could you be referring to your own baby? Perhaps a close relative’s? Maybe a close friend’s? I grieve for mom and dad. Few things are more difficult than expecting a happy, whole and healthy baby—and then have one born with defects. I hurt for all who are involved in this tragedy.
If plastic surgery is helpful, nothing in Scripture prevents it. James 5:14-16 gives some guidance regarding plastic surgery. “Oil” was of great medicinal use in the first-century world. This passage encourages us to utilize both prayer and anointing with oil (medical help) when we are in need of healing. Therefore, it seems to me that utilizing plastic surgery to reconstruct a physical “defect” is all right with God. Some would say, “But, if they are born with a defect it must be God’s will for them to look like this—after all, He did create the child.” These folks would discourage surgery. But, remember, this is a fallen world. It is much more likely that the defect is a result of a broken world than the intentional actions of God.
Biblically speaking, I would feel free to utilize plastic surgery to help shape the mouths and faces of those born with cleft pallets. Their appearance and functionality are so marred. Since several simple surgeries can effect such a great restoration, I can’t imagine not using plastic surgery to bring physical, emotional and mental relief that comes with restoration.
On the other hand, desiring plastic surgery for a tummy tuck or face lift might fall into the category of vanity. You and God will have to sort that out together. I am not going to engage in that discussion.
Paul encouraged Timothy, his son in the Lord, to remind Christian women to consider carefully their dress, makeup, and jewelry. As Christians they were to be more concerned with showing off the Lord Jesus Christ than with showing off themselves. Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 2:9-10: “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” Paul’s instructions don’t necessarily mean that women should never wear make up or jewelry. It means that these artifacts are not to distract from their inner Christian beauty and behavior.
I define Divine Plastic Surgery as an inside change or experience with the Lord Jesus that manifests in our outside appearance or demeanor.
Most of us are concerned with how we look. Surveys reveal that many women struggle with their looks, never being satisfied with their appearance. In personal interviews over the past-fifty years the vast majority of Miss Americas admit disenchantment with their bodies in one area or another. In fact, many admit to thinking that, “they are not really pretty”. (As I read these surveys I often wonder that if the most beautiful people in the world don’t think they’re pretty, what chance do I have!?” The adverse affects on someone’s self images based on their looks is disappointing—if not down right devastating for many women. Divine plastic surgery is the antidote to this twisted way of thinking. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day…. So, we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Divine plastic surgery allows those of us with less than perfect looks to look forward to Heaven’s glory whenwe will all look just like Jesus!
In 1 Samuel 16 God confided to Samuel that one of Jesse’s seven sons would be the new King of Israel. As Jesse introduced his sons, Samuel waited for God to reveal His choice. Big, strong, muscular, good looking, first-born Eliab began the parade! Samuel said to himself, “Surely, Eliab is the choice! Men can’t get any better than he!” But, God was not impressed with Eliab. The Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). The young-teenager David was the Lord’s chosen. What does it do to your heart to realize that Jesse considered David so insignificant that he failed even to invite him to the parade! David had a heart for Godly things. His physical looks were insignificant to the Almighty.
After spending forty days in God’s presence, Moses descended Mt. Sinai with the Ten Commandments. He had no idea that his face was shining with the radiance of God until the Israelite people shied away and refused to come near Him (Ex 34:29-32). Moses enjoyed a few fleeting moments of divine plastic surgery. When we spend time God’s presence our faces might not shine like Moses; but, there is little doubt that we’ve been with Someone mighty special. Unfortunately, for Moses in his vanity, it wasn’t long before the glory dissipated. Can you imagine that Moses put on a veil so that the people wouldn’t notice the shine was off! There is a strong lesson here for us.
God uses divine plastic surgery to transform our inside beings. Eternally speaking, if our insides are godly, our looks matter little. God is a skillful surgeon. He knows just how to achieve the look He wants: “For the word of God (Jesus) is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart “(Hebrews 4:12).
One of the happiest, most radiant, well-adjusted men I know stands just under four-feet tall. He has walked with Senators, influenced Washington lobbyists, testified before Congress, played basketball with the NBA Sacramento Kings (in practice), and produced television shows in Hollywood. I was delighted to perform the wedding for one of his daughters. I’m not playing “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not” with you. Everything I wrote about him is true. I once asked him how he could put so much into, and got so much out of life!? I mean, he was really short. Most people naturally felt sorry for him. In today’s world—in any world—his lack of height is certainly not viewed as a strength to help him get along well or succeed. “So, I asked him, “How do you do it?”
He replied, “It was my dad’s doing. He never let me think I was short! He drilled the same simple truth into my heart over and over again for twenty years. He said: ‘Never ever think of yourself as short. You are not short. You’re just not as tall as others.’”
My friend’s attitude is the epitome of divine plastic surgery. God is not nearly as concerned with our outside appearances as we are—and that makes all the difference in how we get along well in life.
