At the end of the day, I want to be famous in my home. Success is when those who know you best respect you most. It starts with the last verse in the last chapter in the last book of the Old Testament, Malachi 4:6. God wants to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children.
Preached at National Community Church
Week 52 –
Pray that, as this year comes to an end and we look forward to a new year, the Lord will help your grandchildren to grow daily in maturity in God. Pray that their lives will be built on the foundation of Jesus and that they will grow in grace – always sensing God’s presence. (Luke 2:52, Ephesians 4:15, Colossians 2:6-7)
Week 51 –
The final watchword is LOVE. Pray that your grandchildren will see others as the image-bearers of God that they are. Pray that your grandchildren will grow to support and love others. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son. (John 3:16 KJV)
Week 50 –
This week’s watchword is REJOICE – A reminder that this time of waiting and preparation is a joyful time. Pray that your grandchildren will rejoice in God our Savior. My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior… for the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name. (Luke 1:46-49)
Week 49 –
The watchword for the second Sunday of Advent is PREPARE. Preparation involves paying attention and staying awake. Pray that your grandchildren will be on guard, and keep watch that they might be ready for Christ when He comes again. (Luke 1:76-79)
Week 48 –
The watchword for the first week of Advent is WAIT. Let’s pray this watchword for our grandchildren this week. Pray that as they wait for Christmas and the celebration of Christ’s birth, they will also wait for the risen Christ to come again.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning. (Psalm 130:5-6)
Week 47 –
Willingness and Ability to Work — “Teach my grandchildren, Lord, to value work and to work at it with all their heart, as working for the Lord and not for men.” (Col. 3:23)
Week 46 –
Self-Discipline — “Father, I pray that my grandchildren may acquire a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair.” (Prov. 1:3; 13:4; 20:13)
Week 45 –
Pray that your grandchildren will respect those in authority over them. (Romans 13:1)
Week 44 –
Pray that your grandchildren will have a responsible attitude in all their interpersonal relationships. (Daniel 6:3)
Week 43 –
Pray that your grandchildren will be protected from the evil one in each area of their life: spiritual, physical, emotional, and social. (John 17:15)
Week 42 –
Pray that your grandchildren will be caught when guilty. (Psalm 119:71)
Week 41 –
Pray that your grandchildren will have a hatred for sin. (Psalm 97:10)
Week 40 –
Pray that your grandchildren will come to know Christ as their personal Savior early in life. (Romans 10:1)
Week 39 –
As we conclude our time of intentional prayer for the education of our grandchildren and children, pray that the children in your lives will have the courage to speak biblical truth even in the classroom and that they will learn lessons much deeper than report cards and achievement tests can measure.
Week 38 –
Pray that your grandchildren and children will learn facts and principles that will prepare them for a future career.
Week 37 –
Pray that a balance of ideas and subjects will be presented to your children/grandchildren and for a safe, healthful classroom environment.
Week 36 –
In honor of Grandparents’ Day and our Call to Prayer on behalf of the next generations, this week’s prayer prompt is a prayer:
Father, God, I truly want to be a prayer warrior for my grandchildren. I plead with You for their salvation and their daily walk with You. May they feel and touch Your goodness in their lives. Protect them from any harm. Amen.
Taken from 101 Ways to Love Your Grandkids by Bob and Emilie Barnes
Week 35 –
Pray for the teachers of your grandchildren and children. Pray also for their school system or home school co-op.
Week 34 –
Most of our grandchildren and children have now begun a new school year. If not, they will be very soon. This month let’s pray for their education. PROMPT: Pray that God will give them a desire to do their best and that their minds will be challenged.
Week 33 –
Pray for strength and protection for the future spouse of your grandchildren/children. Pray that they will be taught the basics of spiritual warfare, how to flee temptation, how to take thoughts captive, and how to stand firm against the devil’s schemes (1 Peter 5:8-9, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, James 4:7-8).
Week 32 –
Pray for loyalty and faithfulness. “Lord, please shepherd my grandchild’s/child’s future spouse to live the crucified life (Galatians 2:20). Please cultivate spiritual fruit in his/her life (Galatians 5:16-26).”
Week 31 –
Pray that God would help the future spouse of your grandchild/child to put his/her trust in Him (Psalm 115:11).
Week 30 –
Pray for the understanding and wisdom of your grandchild’s/child’s future spouse. Pray that he/she will be established in truth and spiritual discernment (Ephesians 5: 6-13) and that he/she would be surrounded with means for spiritual training and growth (2 Timothy 1:5; 3:15-17).
Week 29 –
Pray that your grandchild’s/child’s future spouse would be a lover of God. “Lord, please develop in him/her a heart that is captivated by the beauty of Christ (Luke 10:39, 42) and help them to become a man/woman after God’s own heart (Ephesians 5:25-28).
Week 28 –
Pray for the heart of your grandchild’s/child’s future spouse. Pray that his/her eyes will be opened to the gospel and that he/she will come to salvation at an early age (2 Cor. 4:3-6). Pray also that their future spouse would develop a considerate and sensitive heart; one that is giving and can place the needs of others’ before their own (1 John 3:16-18).
Week 27 –
Words – Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Proverbs 18:21)
Week 26 –
Priorities – Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matt. 6:33)
Week 25 –
Wisdom – If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. (James 1:5)
Week 24 –
Protection – He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. (Psalm 91:3-4)
Week 23 –
As we pray this week, let’s concentrate our prayers on our children, the parents of our grandchildren!
Parenting – Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6)
Week 22 –
Peer pressure – Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20
Week 21 –
Emotional Protection – He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. (Psalm 91:11)
Week 20 –
Friends – Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)
Week 19 –
Perseverance — “Lord, teach my grandchildren perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to run with perseverance the race marked out for them.” (Heb. 12:1)
Week 18 –
Purity — “Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their actions.” (Ps. 51:10)
Week 17 –
Physical Safety – The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. (Psalm 121:7)
Week 16 –
It’s mid-April and for many of our grandchildren that means they are nearing the end of another school year. Let’s concentrate our prayers this week on their academics:
School – The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouths of fools feed on folly. (Prov. 15:14)
Week 15 –
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all. –Ephesians 1:15-23
This week we will be wrapping up our time spent in praying Ephesians 1:15-23 for our grandchildren. As we intentionally focus once again on this passage and praying it for our grandchildren, let’s pray that they will:
Grasp the love of Christ. Pray that your grandchildren will know and live in the freedom of the unconditional love of Jesus.
Week 14 –
We are to the final two weeks of praying Ephesians 1:15-23 for our grandchildren. This week let’s pray that our grandchildren will be:
Established in Love by praying that each grandchild will demonstrate a “1 Corinthians 13” love.
Week 13 –
Don’t you just LOVE that God tells us that as we have the eyes of our hearts enlightened we can know the hope to which he has called us, the riches of his glorious inheritance, and the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe? This week our prayer from Ephesians 1:15-23 is for our grandchildren to have the great power and strength that comes from the Holy Spirit.
Great power: Ask God to give your grandchildren power from the Holy Spirit to live obediently.
Strength: Ask the Holy Spirit to provide strength for your grandchildren to resist temptation.
Week 12 –
As we continue to pray Ephesians 1:15-23 for our grandchildren, let’s pray this week for their future hope and glorious inheritance.
Future hope: Pray that your grandchildren will live today with eternity in mind.
Glorious inheritance: Thank God for the eternal inheritance He has in store for your grandchildren.
Week 11 –
Ephesians 1:18-21
having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.
Enlightened eyes: Pray that each of your grandchildren will have the eyes of their hearts enlightened.
Week 10 –
Continuing in Ephesians chapter one as we pray for our grandchildren. This week let’s pray for wisdom and for knowledge of God
Wisdom: Ask God to give your grandchildren spiritual wisdom to make godly decisions.
Know Him better: Ask God to grow your grandchildren deep in knowledge and love for Christ.
Week 9 –
For the next few weeks, let’s pray Ephesians 1:15-23 for our grandchildren. This week we will concentrate on THANKSGIVING. Give thanks for God’s gracious blessing. Thank Him for the privilege of being a grandparent and for each of your grandchildren.
Ephesians 1:15-23 (ESV)
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.
Week 8 –
God, My Strength and My Hope, Fill ______________ with confidence that comes from only You. Help him/her to understand that you are his/her helper and that You will help in every situation. -Heb. 13:6
Week 7 –
Heavenly Father, Help _____________ to guard his/her heart, for it is the wellspring of his/her life. –Prov. 4:23
Week 6 –
Lord, Please clothe ___________________ with the virtue of compassion. –Col. 3:12
Week 5 –
Father, Please bring godly adults and friends into the life of _______________. I pray they will help him/her grow in godly living. –I Cor. 4:15
Week 4 –
THANKFULNESS – Pray that each of your grandchildren will learn to give THANKS in everything, no matter what happens. –I Thess 5:18
Week 3 –
LOVE – Pray for your grandchildren, that they may learn to live a life of LOVE, through the Spirit who dwells in them. –Gal. 5:25
Week 2 –
GROWTH IN GRACE – Pray that your grandchildren will grow in the GRACE and knowledge of Jesus Christ. –2 Peter 3:18
Week 1 –
SALVATION – Pray that your unsaved grandchildren will believe that Jesus loves them and died for their sins so that they can have a personal relationship with Him and enjoy eternal live. Thank God for the SALVATION of your saved grandchildren. –John 3:16
www.deborahhaddix.com.
Have you lost your joy?
Joylessness is not a respecter of grandparents. Even those who anticipate special occasions with great delight are susceptible to it. Allowing their focus and priorities to get out of whack in all the details of preparation and celebration, their joy wanes.
So, what’s a grandparent to do when they feel robbed of their joy?
Acknowledging the reality of their situation, our grandparent must decide to stand up and fight. And one way to fight is to establish some JOYFUL habits. It’s certainly not easy work, but it is JOYFUL work that is worth the effort.
10 Habits of Joyful Grandparents
Keep God #1
Joyful grandparents establish priorities, keeping their eyes on God.
True joy—joy that can’t be shaken when the days are gloomy and gray, exhaustion prevails from caring for your grandchildren, or you feel the ache of not being permitted to have any contact with them—is only found in God.
Biblical Joy – a settled conviction in our soul, produced by the Holy Spirit as He causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the Word and in the world, even in the midst of our circumstances.*
Kim Young, Joy Forevermore
*Definition tweaked from, John Piper — “Christian joy is a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.“
Do ALL things unto Christ
Grandparents filled with joy don’t get caught up in what other people think – about their decision to invest their retirement years in their adult children and grandchildren rather than on their own pleasure or any of the other “grandparent-stuff.” They work for an Audience of One and realize the honor of serving Him by serving their family. (Colossians 3:23)
Keep an eternal focus
Joyful grandparents are intentional with their time. They prayerfully examine their motives and evaluate their activity. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
“Why am I spending time on this?”
“Am I doing this for selfish reasons?”
“Are my reasons for engaging in this Christ-honoring?”
“Is this a frivolous use of time or does it bring glory to God?”
Practice gratitude
Joyful grandparents make a conscious effort to find things for which they are thankful. They train their minds to look for blessings, and they choose to focus their attention on these things.
“Thanksgiving is the precursor to joy” –Kathy Keller
Choose to be joyful
Joyful grandparents choose joy.
We can’t always control the things that happen to us…
We can, however, control how we react. We can control whether we choose joy or bitterness, thanksgiving or anger, happiness or discontentment.
Refuse to compare
Comparison is a thief of joy!
Joyful grandparents don’t compare their lives to the lives of other grandparents. They don’t compare bank accounts, energy levels, or proximity to grandchildren. Neither do they allow themselves to get caught in the vicious circle of trying to “out give” their grandchildren’s other grandparents. Instead, they realize there is no need for comparison as they are already seated at the table with Christ.
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Steven Furtick
Take care of their marriage
As much as we’d like to believe the quality of our marriage doesn’t affect our grandparenting, for most of us at least, that’s just not the case.
When my husband and I are at odds with one another, my attitude reflects the conflict—even if my husband isn’t home. When my marriage is not strong, my joy suffers.
Take care of themselves
Joyful grandparents take care of their bodies by staying active, eating relatively healthy meals, resting, getting away occasionally to be refreshed, and investing in things that bring them joy. (Of course, there are times when we should make sacrifices for our family, but that doesn’t mean we should always sacrifice, never taking care of ourselves.)
Say “no” so they can say “yes”
Joyful grandparents keep their priorities straight. They learn (sometimes with very great effort) to say “no” to the good, so they can say “yes” to the best.
A habit of always saying, “Yes,” can fill our schedules so full, there is no room for the “best” when it comes along. This habit can also fill us with exhaustion and stress rather than joy.
Ask for help
This one is tough. Joyful grandparents make themselves vulnerable by asking for help.
Asking is risky. What will our grandchildren think of us? Perhaps our children’s preferences will require some effort on our part. That other grandparent might turn down our request. But if we never risk asking, we’ll never reap the benefits or experience the joy that can be ours in walking this journey with others.
How do you fight for joy?
www.deborahhaddix.com.
Here’s what Pastor John Piper said when he was speaking to children about COVID-19.
“I’m 74 years old. That means I’m old enough to be your granddad and maybe your great granddad. My name is John Piper. You can call me Pastor John. I want to talk to you for a few minutes about the coronavirus — that sickness that is changing how people live all over the world. And I want to talk about God, I want to talk about Jesus, and about you. What does the coronavirus have to do with you and God and Jesus? So, I hope you’ll listen for just a few minutes.
What makes the coronavirus so unusual and so dangerous is that you can catch it as a sickness by just being around people who have it, and you can’t tell when they have it. And that makes it really dangerous, which is why everybody is staying inside these days, trying to stop the virus. And it’s dangerous because it is ten times more serious than the ordinary flu. And the reason our leaders, like the governors and the President of the United States, are so concerned is because maybe one or two or three people out of every hundred who get this sickness will die from it.
Now, that may not sound like a lot: one or two out of every hundred. But if in my town, for example — Minneapolis — a hundred thousand people (which is not unlikely) got sick with this, that means one, two, or even three thousand are going to die of it. So, when you think of it that way, a lot of people who weren’t planning to die that quick are now going to die, if it spreads that much.
Now, the Bible is God’s very word. And the Bible teaches that God is stronger than the coronavirus. I hope you believe that. We know this because Matthew 4:24 says, “They brought [Jesus] all the sick, those afflicted with various diseases and pains . . . and he healed them.” Jesus is more powerful than diseases — every one of them. In fact, over and over again, the Bible tells us that God commands the wind, rain, snow, lightning, plants, grass, grasshoppers, flies, frogs, gnats, worms, whales, birds, and everything else. He commands them where to go, what to do, and they do what he says. They have to; he’s God. They do what he says. God made the whole world and everything in it, and he holds the world in his hand, and he does what he wants to do with the world and in the world.
You can see that again in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, where he says that God “works all things” — that includes the coronavirus — “according to the counsel of his will” (Ephesians 1:11). That means nobody is over God telling God what to do. He’s the highest. He’s the strongest decision-maker in the world. Nobody makes God do what he doesn’t choose to do. He made the world, he holds it up, so he does what he wants with it and in it. It never falls apart. It always does what he plans for it to do all the time and all of it.
I hope you’re asking — and it’s right to ask, if we ask humbly and ready to learn the answer from God — “Why is there a coronavirus, then? Why don’t you, God, Jesus, please take it away, since you could?” And that’s right; he could. He’s God. The coronavirus is not God. The coronavirus is not stronger than Jesus. Jesus could take it away just by snapping his finger. And the time will come when he has decided he will take it away. And it might happen overnight. We don’t know how it will happen.
So, why is it here? Why doesn’t he just take it away now? And the answer is this: because he has wise purposes for it. God is perfectly wise. That means he knows exactly what needs to be done to bring about what’s best for all time. That’s called wisdom. When you know what is best to do all the time, you’re a wise person. And God is perfect in wisdom. He knows what needs to be done: he knows how it needs to be done, and he knows when it needs to be done.
And since God is perfectly wise and knows everything — he knows way, way, way, way more than we know — everything he makes happen and everything he lets happen fits into a perfectly wise and good plan that he has. We can’t see all of it — all the plan. But we can see some of it. For example, let me give you some things that I can see and you can see in the Bible that God is planning to do with the coronavirus.
1. Jesus said in Luke 13:1–5 that things like the coronavirus happen so that people in the world who don’t believe in Jesus would wake up, and repent, and think about God and Jesus and heaven and hell and salvation and the need for forgiveness, and that they would turn to Jesus and be saved. That’s one thing he’s doing.
2. Paul said that things like the coronavirus happen so that people would stop trusting in themselves and trust God. Lots of people think — adults think, children think — that they’re way smarter than they are, way stronger than they are, way more in control. “I’m the captain of my soul.” Bologna! You’re not the captain of your soul; God is the captain of your soul. And that kind of pride needs to be brought down. If it needs to be brought down by coronavirus, God will do it. We have a lot of arrogant leaders in this world who need to be humbled, and if it takes the coronavirus to do it, God will do it. God wants us to know that he’s in control, and that we ought to trust him and not our own abilities or our own intelligence.
3. And the third thing that God is doing is this: the Bible says that things like the coronavirus happen to show us that we might be loving things more than we love God; we might be loving other people more than we love God. And there’s nothing in the world more important than loving Jesus more than we love ourselves or more than we love other people (Matthew 10:37–39). So, the coronavirus is showing people what they love most.
God is in charge of the coronavirus, and he knows what he’s doing, and he’s perfectly good and perfectly wise. And here’s the really good news we ought to want the whole world to hear. I hope you will share with your friends the news that Jesus, God’s only Son, came into the world and died so that God would never punish us if we trust him. He said that the punishment that you and I deserve because of our sin — that punishment was put on Jesus.
And if we trust Jesus — that is, if we receive Jesus, welcome Jesus as our Savior and our Guide and our Treasure, the one we really love — then we never have to be afraid of God. We never have to be afraid of God’s punishment ever. This is wonderful. That means we don’t ever have to be afraid to die — not from the coronavirus or anything else — because when Jesus died and rose from the dead, he changed death from punishment into a doorway to everlasting happiness with him.
So, what does this mean for you? What does it mean? You don’t have to be afraid of the coronavirus. God is stronger than the coronavirus, and if you trust his Son, Jesus, God will make everything turn out for your good. So, be brave. Don’t be brave because you’re strong; that’s called pride. All those TV superheroes, they’re all proud. They’re not basing their strength on God; they’re just basing it on stuff that they have inside of them. Don’t be like them because you’re not them and you’re not strong. You’re weak. Be brave because you have a great Savior. Your best friend, Jesus, your Savior and Lord, is strong — strong enough to make everything, including the coronavirus, turn out for your good (Romans 8:28).
I taught the kids in our church, when I was a pastor, a two-line poem. It’s especially for children who believe in Jesus. Hundreds of them said it over the years. Let me teach it to you, and we’ll be done. And I want to say it once, and then you say it with me the second time, okay? It goes like this:
When things don’t go the way they should,
God always makes them turn for good.
Maybe, kids, we’ll talk again later. I don’t know. But for now, trust Jesus no matter what. You’ll never be sorry.
That’s a great word, Pastor John. We do have an amazing opportunity to share the gospel with our classmates and friends in this season — if you have access to social media or texting or phone calling or video messaging, or maybe you can meet them face to face. We encourage you to reach out to your friends with the hope of Jesus. The time is right. May the Lord give you boldness and the right words to speak eternal truth into the lives of your friends during this season.
www. desiringgod.org. Ask Pastor John.
God has placed grandparents in the uniquely designed position within the family to be the rememberers.
As the patriarchs and matriarchs, it is our job to remember and to tell. And there’s so much to tell – our family stories, our personal stories (the testimony of God’s work within our life), and the goodness and greatness of God.
But where do we begin?
Whenever our family gathered, one of the things my children looked forward to most was hearing grandpa tell his stories – even the ones he’d told millions of times before.
The stories held such a special place in their hearts that once they were grown, the kids gathered some of their favorites and made them into a book.
Verbal storytelling brings the stories to life and provides structure for fragmented memories so gather the family and hone those storytelling skills.
Don’t cringe. Journaling can take many forms. You simply need to find the one that works for you.
Yes, our stories can be recorded in a traditional journaling style – handwritten memories formed into paragraphs. But if that’s not your style, try capturing your stories by jotting them down in bullet list form or typing them into the computer. And don’t forget scrapbooks. Holding both our words and memorabilia in the form of ticket stubs, programs, and photos, scrapbooks provide a exceptional link to our stories.
Create your tree on your own or involve the entire family. With names and dates and even photos in front of them, grandchildren become more engaged with and connected to their family story. They come to know who they are and from where they came.
Not an artist? No worries. A simple interest search will yield a plethora of styles and formats. Try typing in “free family tree template” or something similar.
Photos can be a powerful way to help connect our grandchildren to our stories. Pictures put faces and places to our words.
Organize your photos. Then the albums will be ready for you to pull out and share with your grandchildren at any time.
Most kids love technology. Check with your grandchild’s parents, and if you receive the okay, challenge your grandchildren to help you put together a video.
Apps such as Animoto and iMovie are great tools for making videos. Whether your video is tells your family history, portrays the story of your life, or declares the work of God, log on and let your collective creativity shine.
Did you know that family history can be lost in the span of 3 generations?
If you can get to any of the members of your family’s older generations, grab your pen and paper and go spend some time with them. Draw out their story by asking good questions. Then share it with the younger generations.
Tell your story, the story of God’s goodness and greatness, through a personalized Bible for your grandchildren.
Purchase a Bible for this purpose (a journaling Bible will provide plenty of margin for your handwritten notes). Over the course of several years, record your thoughts, reflections, questions, and personal notes to your grandchild in the Bible’s margins. Gift this precious treasure to your grandchild for a milestone birthday or other event.
Family Recipes are a yummy vehicle for remembering.
Get your grandchildren into the kitchen and cook up a family recipe. As you cook, talk. Share the history of the recipe. Want to get some more mileage out of your family recipes? Create a cookbook of family recipes.
Schedule a “remembering” family vacation or day trip when you can. Take your grandchildren to the places where their family members have lived and walked. Help them connect to relatives they otherwise could never know. Show them from where they come.
While you are out and about, don’t forget cemeteries. Visits to family gravesites are an insightful way to help grandchildren connect.
Affirming our grandchildren – it’s key: to building strong relationships, to discipleship, to passing the faith.
Our words are powerful. When handled well, they can build up, encourage, communicate love, and convey value to our grandchildren. On the other hand, our disregard in the use of our words, and even our silence, have the effect of performing just the opposite work in the lives of our grandchildren.
Knowing this, it’s imperative that we understand AFFIRMATION and learn to practice it well.
Words can get muddied. Consider, for example the words: blessing, encouragement, and affirmation. We often use them interchangeably and while there’s nothing wrong with that practice, at their core, these words are distinct in meaning.
A BLESSING is a word or action that delivers refreshment and hope to its recipient.
According to John Trent, a blessing is the gift of acceptance and unconditional love passed from one generation to another through meaningful touch, a spoken message, attaching high value, picturing a special future and an active commitment. A blessing is live giving, live-changing.
ENCOURAGEMENT applies to words or actions that offer support, confidence and hope. Encouragement looks forward, painting a bright future of something that “could be.” Think of it as “cheerleading.”
AFFIRMATION, on the other hand, looks backward. It confirms something that has already happened and been observed.
“Affirmation is truthfully declaring by complimentary word or action the goodness of something. Good affirmation attests, certifies, or confirms that which honors God, that which is morally upright.”
Sam Crabtree, Practicing Affirmation (page 132)
As we look a little more closely at our definitions, we see that:
In short, one way to bless our grandchildren is to offer them encouragement, and one way to encourage them is through affirmation.
Good affirmations are:
The words we wield make a powerful impact on the lives of our grandchildren (and our adult children). If our longing is to build strong relationships with our grandchildren and to pass them a heritage of faith in Christ, we must be about the intentional business of Practicing God-centered Affirmation.
www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
Questions are powerful! Ask a well-crafted question and you can open up a closed-mouthed child, build relationship, and explore the depths of your thoughts. Question-asking can also help you reflect, learn and move forward.
Here are 15 Importantl Questions Every Grandparent Needs to Ask
1. Do I have clarity on the purpose for my grandparenting?
Culture is full of powerful messages for grandparents. Messages that spotlight independence and self-indulgence. That is not, however, the message we get from the Bible. When we search its pages, we find that grandparents were created by God to play a crucial role in the spiritual development of their grandchildren.
2. Am I engaging in intentional soul care?
Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children— Deuteronomy 4:9 3. Do my grandchildren see by my attitudes, words, and actions that Jesus is my greatest treasure?
4. Are my conversations with my grandchildren God-saturated?
5. Has my grandchild placed faith in Jesus?
6. Is my grandchild growing spiritually?
7. What troubles, trials, or temptations is my grandchild facing?
8. What do my grandchildren believe to be true? Is the Bible shaping their worldview?
Many, many children today, even those raised in Christian homes, do not know what the Bible teaches. Additionally, many are unable to explain or defend their faith. There is no question, our grandchildren are going to face strong opposition and competing belief systems. Am I helping my grandchildren base their beliefs, values, and assumptions on the Bible?
9. Does my grandparenting aim for behavior modification or heart transformation?
It’s so easy to haul out a list of do’s and don’ts when we are with our grandchildren. After all, we all want to be the grandparent of the well-behaved child. However, true and lasting change doesn’t come from behavior modification. It comes through a transformation of the heart. Am I, as a grandparent, aiming for the heart?
10. Am I grandparenting in a way that helps my grandchildren grow in their love for God and love for others?
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Matthew 22:37-40
11. Do I engage in regular times of prayer for my grandchildren?
12. Do my grandchildren know my God-stories?
God-stories are to be retold. When you share your stories with your grandchildren, they hear of His work and learn of His nature. Your stories are for the purpose of glorifying God and pointing your grandchildren to Him.
13. What things am I doing to show my love and my care to my family members?
14. How much time and energy am I devoting to my adult children? To my grandchildren?
[T]hat you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son’s son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long.
Deuteronomy 6:2
Grandparents have been given a dual role. One that focuses on both children and grandchildren.
15. Am I helping them to get to know God?
Children are like wet cement.
If you’ve ever worked with wet cement or seen someone work with it, it does harden up pretty quickly and so it is with the personalities of our kids. If you want to put this to test in your life, here’s a suggestion around the dinner table. Parents, ask your son or daughter that’s a teenager to describe themselves as a little kid, and just sit back and listen. And listen to the adjectives that they use to describe their personality. And then ask yourself the question, “Did they not just name and enumerate the qualities that they now have at 15, 16, 17 years of age?”
At age two, about 20 to 40% of your kid’s personality is already formed. That’s frightening. Three, 60%. Four, 80%. Five, nearly 100%. So we take this topic on today. And by the way, just for everyone’s enjoyment. I hate the question that Doug asked me today. It’s name the three. Let me tell you, it could be name the 17 things that are important to teach your child before they harden up, so to speak.
1. ESTABLISH YOUR AUTHORITY IN THE HOME WITH THAT CHILD THAT’S UNDER FIVE.
Well, what does that mean? It means you’re not their friend, you’re not their best buddy, you’re not their playmate. You’re mom, you’re dad. You come with a presence of love and acceptance and all the hugs and kisses and all those things. Please, I’m not taking anything out away. Do that as much as you want, but you have to learn as kids develop before your very eyes, what’s developmentally appropriate behavior and what isn’t.
Some parents think that their two-year old is going to do everything they ask them to do in double time and salute them as well. It doesn’t work that way with two-year olds. The kid just begins to get powerful around age 18 months and that’s when he begins to, and she begins to look at life from behind their rose colored glasses, or at least their skewed blends, and they see life as, “My playground. I’m the center of the universe. I want. It’s mine.” And you’ll get the mine, all the way through the threes. So kids are very hedonistic.
Do you let a 17-month old hit you or a 19-month old hit you? No you don’t. Well, what do you do, Leman? You hold their arms. You’re the adult. Act like an adult, “Honey, we don’t hit people.” So you’re always teaching. And this is three steps forward and two behind. Go back to my earlier statement. This isn’t the military. You don’t issue a dictate and the kids follow in. It takes training. And because different kids come into this world with different mindsets, sort of a build-in personality if you will genetically, you’ve got kids that come out of the womb strong-willed. They got a little bit more fight in them than the guy next to them. So is there an art form to all this? It is. But I think overall number one is establishing your authority.
If you’re an authoritarian, you’ll crush your kid. You’ll tell them what to do, how to do it, and do it on a double. That’s the authoritarian model.
Here’s the problem.
All of us essentially grew up in an authoritarian environment. If you’re really a young mom today, you’re that 20 year old, 21, 22-year-old, maybe your home was not that authoritarian. My guess would be it would be more permissive, because we have certainly moved traditionally from our authoritarian stance to one of permissiveness. And so again, if you love your child, you’ll discipline them. That is a biblical concept. Well, how do you discipline a two year old? I mean, do you swat them on the bottom? I don’t think that’s good. I think you’re just going to make them a more powerful kid.
But I think you give them the look, a look of disapproval, you pick them up, you may move them from the scene. Sometimes you put them in a little playpen, which reminds me of the old song “Don’t Fence Me In”. There’s something great about fencing in a kid quite frankly. There’s a time where a kid realizes, “Hey, wait, you’re way over bouncy. You need time just to settle down.”
And so that’s part of the disciplinary process. But as kids get into the threes and the fours, trust me, they know what they’re doing. I mean, they’re setting you up. They’re playing you like a violin. So being an authority is always part of being loving and empathetic. So we’re not taking any of that away from you as a parent. We’re just saying you just can’t get frustrated. You’re the adult. You have to control your emotions. And kids will test your emotions and your patience and if you just strike out at your child, then you’re certainly going down the wrong path quickly.
2. LISTENING.
Most of us as adults are not good listeners, and here I am saying that number two behind established authority is to teach kids to listen. Well, we train kids essentially in our society not to listen. How do we do that? Well, we do it by telling most kids at least three times when we ask a question. And we say, “Honey, would you do this?” Or it’s time to get ready or turn off the television or pick up your shoes or whatever the command might be. The kids sort of train us to say it three times. I’ve asked kids straight out how many times doe it take for mom or dad to get you to do something. Most kids will say three.
One kid, I’ll never forget him, he said, “The first time is sort of a general alert. The second one is she raises the voice a little bit more and a third time, oh, you can see it in her eyes. She means business.” And so we try and kids do not to listen to us. It’s important that you get kids’ attention, that you look them in the eye, that you drop to the knees. If there’s a problem, you need to talk about it and you’re going to speak the truth in love.
I know you’re talking to a two year old or three year old or a four year old, but again, keep in mind once a kid hits 18 months, they know what they’re doing. They engage in what we call purposive behavior. It serves a purpose in their life. It might be just as simple a mantra in the kid’s mind as, “I want things done the way I want things done.”
Remember you’re training up a kid to realize that other people count in life.
That’s why you say to a three year old, “Honey, thank you for sharing that with your little sister.” You know what I’m saying? This is not a one, two, three, here it is. This is an ongoing shaping of the child’s behavior, attitude, as they unfold through the developmental years.
Most of us as adults are not good listeners, and here I am saying that number two behind established authority is to teach kids to listen. Well, we train kids essentially in our society not to listen.
How do we do that?
Well, we do it by telling most kids at least three times when we ask a question. And we say, “Honey, would you do this?” Or it’s time to get ready or turn off the television or pick up your shoes or whatever the command might be. The kids sort of train us to say it three times. I’ve asked kids straight out how many times doe it take for mom or dad to get you to do something. Most kids will say three.
One kid, I’ll never forget him, he said, “The first time is sort of a general alert. The second one is she raises the voice a little bit more and a third time, oh, you can see it in her eyes. She means business.” And so we try and kids not to listen to us and what I’m saying is it’s important that you get kids’ attention, that you look them in the eye, that you drop to the knees. If there’s a problem, you need to talk about it and you’re going to speak the truth in love. I know you’re talking to a two year old or three year old or a four year old, but again, keep in mind once a kid hits 18 months, they know what they’re doing. They engage in what we call purposive behavior. It serves a purpose in their life. It might be just as simple a mantra in the kid’s mind as, “I want things done the way I want things done.”
You’re training up a kid to realize that other people count in life.
That’s why you say to a three year old, “Honey, thank you for sharing that with your little sister.” You know what I’m saying? This is not a one, two, three, here it is. This is an ongoing shaping of the child’s behavior, attitude, as they unfold through the developmental years.
3. LET YOUR YES BE YES AND YOUR NO BE NO.
That reeks of consistency, and by the way, when we talked earlier about establishing authority, it’s really important and I hope it’s just super obvious that mom and dad must be on the same page. If you’re a single parent and listening to us, I would say make sure that you are extremely consistent with how you deal with your kids. And let your yes be yes and your no be no, I think helps number two and that is train kids to listen to you.
I think when they know that when you say no, they’re not going to come by and bug you 14 times. They only come by and bug you 14 times when you waiver. When you say, “No, you are absolutely not doing that.” And then you cave in five hours later and give them permission to go to wherever they wanted to go and give them $20 for spending money to boot.
Think before you engage in that yes or no.
I think a great answer for kids these days, if you’re a parent is, “Honey, let me talk to dad or mom about that. Let me have some time to think about it. And in fact on that one I’d like to pray about it. So if I got back to you tomorrow, would that be good? Could we talk about it again?”
Again, most kids will accept that because you’re being respectful, you’re listening to them, but don’t always feel like you have to pony up that yes or no immediately. Now again, I know kids are hedonistic. My granddaughter’s parents wouldn’t drive her to a fair they had on the other side of town, which was about a 45-minute drive. And both of them have very busy schedules, and it was a Sunday evening, schools the next day, and both of them said no.
Well, what does granddaughter do?
She gets on the phone. She tried to find grandma, but grandma wasn’t available. So she started with grandpa. She would always start with grandma first because grandma’s an easy touch. Grandpa’s not the easy touch that grandma is. And I just told her, I said, “Honey, I wish I could help you out, but honey I really can’t.” And then of course, eventually she got grandma and even grandma, old softhearted turned her down and said, “Honey, next week if you want me to take you someplace, I’d be glad to.”
That’s the immediacy of kids thinking. As a parent, you’ve got to slow that down. You know that. You just can’t cave and try to attend to every need your kid has because what they need is not really a need. It’s what they want. There’s a difference of what you want and what you need. So that’s why God gave us parents.
Some parents are thinking, well what’s wrong with promising a kid something, and give them something to look forward to? Well, there’s a lot of wrong with it for this reason. Is your car going to be working? Is it going to be raining? Does somebody have the flu in the family? I mean, don’t go there. You don’t have to promise kids things. You can always say, “Honey we’re going to take it a day at a time. We’ll see what the weekend brings. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be able to pull that off.” So don’t paint yourself in the corner, is what I’m saying?
Three essential necessities we should have trained in our kids before they are five:
www.birthorderguy.com. Listen to the podcast HERE.
The right tools are key… to any job.
And when the job is one with an eternal impact, the tools are that much more significant.
Praying for my grandchildren IS my spiritual work. And for many years, I must confess, I went about this weighty work with no plan, no tools. I did the job, but not well. My prayers were often inconsistent and vague. I grappled with a busy schedule that many times squeezed out my prayer time. I struggled repeatedly with the feeling that my prayers were rote and stale.
Then I discovered some tools that helped to turn things around.
My Top 12 Tools for Praying for My Grandchildren
As the grandmother of ten, I also use a calendar to aid with consistency. Two or three times a year, I set aside ten consecutive weeks for the purpose of “spotlighting” one grandchild each week. The rotation is recorded on my calendar.
Nothing UPS the likelihood of follow-through on your commitment like making it public.
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Once you’ve finished your “prayer,” try mailing it to your grandchild along with a little note. The “prayer” is sure to be a prized treasure.
10. Snail Mail Notes. Light up your grandchild’s face (no matter) by mailing little notes to them that tell your prayers. They will be encouraged. So will you!
11. Legacy Journal. A prayer journal contributed to by all members of the family-no matter their age. A Legacy journal is a mighty tool for modeling prayer and encouraging “prayer” dialogue.
12. Praying with Purpose: 30 Day-Prayer Challenge for Grandparents. Order HERE.
www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
My husband’s father, Roger Sr., was an amazing mentor. He intentionally instilled values in his growing young sons. What a man! What a legacy! Roger’s Dad repeatedly quipped pithy sayings to show his sons how to live a successful life.
“He who whispers down a well about the goods he has to sell will not have as many dollars as he who climbs a tree and hollers.” -Speak up!
“Don’t sell your peanuts at the end of the parade”-Work hard, don’t procrastinate!
“I’m fine as frog’s hair!” (-a golfing term)-Be optimistic!
Every morning his bleary-eyed son padded into the living room to find his father on his knees praying for his family, Roger Sr. resigned his highly prestigious job when his boss instructed him to cook the books and defraud the IRS. Dad faithfully brought his wife and boys to church every time the doors were open. Roger Sr.’s pastor taught: “if you come on Sunday morning, you love the pastor. If you come on Sunday night you love the church. If you return on Wednesday night, you love Jesus.” So the Barrier family came to church, rain or shine.
He only had one vice. Roger Sr. surreptitiously took his sons out for ice cream without telling Mom. Roger Jr. now attends a 12-Step program to beat his Rocky Road addiction.
But Papaw (his grandpa name) never wavered in his quest to imprint his two sons (and five grandkids) with Christlike character. He bowed his head at the end of his excruciating battle with bone cancer and prayed, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Passing the baton is an art. Mighty Moses prepared Joshua to lead the Jews into their new homeland. Elijah successfully equipped Elisha to be his prophetic successor. Jesus artfully trained bumbling, petulant Peter to become the “Rock” of His church.
What can we learn from these Bible heroes about how to leave a legacy for our children and grandchildren?
Before Joshua was sent to search out Canaan, his name was Hoshea, Hebrew for salvation. After his demonstration of faith and passion in Numbers 14:6-9, Moses called him Joshua, the Hebrew word for “YAHWEH is my salvation.”
When Moses ascended Mount Sinai to talk with God, young Joshua was at Moses’ side. (Exodus 24:13-14). Joshua witnessed firsthand the power and shining glory of YAHWEH. Moses modeled courage, meekness and obedience. So when it was time to lead Israel across the Jordan to claim the Promised Land, Joshua listened to God and obeyed:
“After the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, the LORD said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ aide: “Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them — to the Israelites. I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake
you.” Joshua 1:1-5 NIV
The prophet Elisha had some pretty big shoes to fill. Elijah, his “father in the faith,” called fire down from heaven and single-handedly slaughtered the prophets of Baal. Soon after, God asked Elijah to anoint a young farmer as his successor. (1 Kings 19:19-21) Just like Joshua, Elisha’s name means “My God is my salvation.”
Elijah made a great hand-off to Elisha. He knew his earthly life was about to end. Elisha would not leave the aging prophet’s side. He witnessed his spiritual father ascend to heaven in a chariot of fire. The young prophet would not rest until he walked in the same power and anointing as Elijah:
“He (Elisha) picked up the cloak that had fallen from Elijah and went back and stood on the bank of the Jordan. Then he took the cloak that had fallen from him and struck the water with it. “Where now is the LORD, the God of Elijah?” he asked. When he struck the water, it divided to the right and to the left, and he crossed over. The company of the prophets from Jericho, who were watching, said, “The spirit
of Elijah is resting on Elisha.” 2 Kings 2:13-15 NIV
Christ’s entire ministry was spent “passing the torch.” He devoted three and a half years to this holy task. Peter, the bumbling apprentice, was a slow learner. Jesus called the roughshod fisherman to drop his fishing nets and fish for men. (Matthew 4:18) Christ tested Peter’s trust by asking him to walk on the waves of the stormy Galilean sea. (Matthew 14:28) Christ queried, “Who do men say that I am?” (Matthew 16:16) After Peter declared Jesus’ deity, he failed to recognize His purpose to go to the Cross.
Peter observed His Savior gloriously transfigured, weeping uncontrollably in the Garden and brutally crucified. Jesus revealed Himself to Peter as resurrected Lord even after Peter so cruelly denied Him. And Jesus restored His protégé at a seaside fish breakfast.
Jesus was all about on-the-job training. He pushed Peter out of the nest-sometimes he would fly and sometimes he would fall. But when the Holy Spirit descended at Pentecost, it was Peter who was ignited with Jesus’ passion and power. (Acts 2:1-41).
Look behind you. Who is following in your footsteps and where are you leading them? It’s never too late to leave a legacy.
Do You Have a “Daddy Complex?
In the secular counseling world there is a concept referred to as the “Daddy Complex.”
While there is no official diagnostic criteria for this concept, the condition is used to describe conscious or unconscious trauma experienced by a child through a father figure relationship. The trauma often produces maladaptive behaviors that become more obvious in adult relationships and in parenting, which can drive many men toward addictive behaviors
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Many of my clients struggle with this issue due to the deep and troubling wounds they are still packing around from dear old Dad.
What is it like to be a dad in present-day America? As we learn what it means to be a dad, we have to understand brain development and how it contributes to the way we parent our kids. Equally important is how our kids develop empathy and their identity in Christ.
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FIRST OBSERVATION
A FATHERLESS NATION
One of the greatest crisis in America is that we are becoming a fatherless nation. Dads have never faced greater spiritual attack in our nation’s history. Even when dads are physically present, many are not emotionally available. Interestingly, the statistics give us insight on why we are faced with this reality.
Today, fewer men get married than did just a few decades ago and few stay married. Thus, one out of every three children don’t live with their biological father—that rate has doubled since 1970.
Fatherless kids are four times more likely to live in poverty and two times more likely to dropout of high school. Girls who grow up without a father present are seven times more likely to become pregnant as a teen.
Based on research, males in our society are leading in all the wrong categories:
77 percent of all suicides are committed by men in America (a 43 percent increase from 1997 to 2014)
Incarceration crisis: over 90 percent of inmates are men
Less boys graduate from high school
Less boys attend and graduate from college
Boys have more disciplinary problems in school
One in five boys are diagnosed with some type of hyperactivity disorder and are on medication (which might have unknown long-term effects)
Approximately, seven million men have dropped out of the labor force—half of those take pain medication on any given day—that is the highest rate in the world by far!
The conclusions I have about being a father and the desperate need for fathers is not just based on my personal opinion but on solid research.
SECOND OBSERVATION
RAISING BIBLICAL WARRIORS
Because of the family crisis in America today, one of the primary callings of a dad is to raise kids who grow up to become biblical warriors.
Please notice I said, “biblical warriors,” not just warriors.
A biblical warrior is characterized by three things: courage, commitment, and character. While these characteristics are important in many areas of life, if they are only developed to serve the individual and not others, they are developed in vane. These qualities must be embedded in an empathic heart.
Let me explain exactly what I mean:
Courage: Ability to manage your emotions and face your most challenging fears without flipping your lid or losing control.
Commitment: Ability to bounce back when life knocks you down and not quit.
Character: Ability to look within and understand what you are feeling, make good decisions, and be in control of your life instead of allowing circumstances to control your life.
Empathy: Ability to understand how someone else sees their world, then care enough to act on their behalf when needed.
Every dad wants to see these qualities developed in their kid’s life. This is at the core of raising biblical warriors: enabling your kids to open their hearts and minds to new challenges, to become who God created them to be!
BRAIN WARS
What many dads fail to recognize is the brain changes or lack of brain function exhibited by their kids. For example, the area of the brain located just behind the forehead is known as the prefrontal cortex. It’s responsible for higher-order thinking, compassion, curiosity, insight, and even moral reasoning. This part of the brain is not developed until the mid-twenties, leaving many kids vulnerable to its lack of function.
To further complicate matters, the emotional center of the brain, the limbic system, is fully functional. With your kids, have you ever experienced a meltdown or battles over bedtime, sibling wars, or homework freak-outs? You know what I mean.
As a dad, this is important: you will need to serve as their surrogate prefrontal cortex! You will need to provide emotional stability to the overpowering emotions they are experiencing. Through healthy communication and relationship, this is a great opportunity for you to lay a foundation for future courage in their lives.
LEARNED EMPATHY
Our kids learn empathy from us—by the way we respond to them when they are feeling hurt or afraid. When a child is experiencing physical or emotional pain, and their dad says, “Suck it up, be a man!” this only teaches them shame. Many adults go through life numbing their feelings and their response to another’s feelings because they were not taught empathy. This is evident in the work I do with men who struggle with sexual addiction: it takes time for them to develop empathy for the way they have wounded their wives.
Hard times are going to happen in life. It is inevitable. When our kids experience stress, as dads, we often try to protect our kids by telling them, “You have nothing to worry about.” Despite our intent, this response only denies their feelings.
Empathetically, we need to walk with them through the difficulties they experience, so that they can learn how to stay committed during tough times.
GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY
Our calling as a father is to help our kids respond to and develop their God-given identity. We have the tremendous opportunity to reflect the love and grace of God to our kids as we participate in their lives.
More times than I can count, I have observed a man who was raised by a dysfunction dad spend his entire life struggling with a deep uncertainty about his identity. It often takes a lifetime to separate God the Father from our biological father—to discover our true identity that is only found in Christ.
From a biblical warrior’s perspective, we need to help our kids develop a strong character so that they are equip to handle tough times. They need to understand their feelings—what’s going on inside them physically, emotionally, and spiritually—so that they can make the right decisions when faced with overwhelming circumstances.
For this to happen in our kids lives, we need to make sure these two things happen in our lives:
1. As a dad, we must understand that our ultimate goal is not to extinguish unwanted or bad behavior in our kids, but to develop emotional health that we can model and pass along to our kids. The simple truth: if we are stuck in unhealthy behaviors, we are useless to our kids.
2. As a dad, none of this stuff works until you understand how your Heavenly Father views you and relates to you.
Let me close by sharing a life-transforming experience I had with my son.
I was taking him to the Home Depot store: kind of a guy’s shopping experience. It was a warm, gorgeous day, and not a cloud insight. One of those extremely rare days we have in the Northwest. I had my left arm propped up on the car window sill, my right arm arched over the steering wheel. As I casually looked over at my five-year-old son, I was stunned! Bryan was mimicking every move I was making. That is when I lost it! In fact, I started crying and had to pull off the road, my eyes so flooded with tears that I couldn’t see straight.
Through my tears, I blubbered out, “Son, I never had a relationship (sob) with a dad(sob) like you have with me (sob)!”
Bryan was looking out the window and I wondered if had even heard me. But he heard every word I said. Without missing a beat, he turned to me and asked, “Well…then how to you know how to raise me, dad?”
I was caught completely off guard, but blurted out, “Son, I am just trying to raise you the way my Heavenly Father is raising me!”
This is when the lights went on for me as a dad. I was so afraid of being a terrible dad. My seven abusive stepdads were poor examples of a father. I was terrified that I would mess up my kids; that they would struggle with a Daddy Complex for the rest of their lives.
That day, my son helped me understand how good my Heavenly Father was to me. When I got that right, then I could be the dad my kids needed.
Solc, V. (2013). Father Archetype. Retrieved from http://www.therapyvlado.com/english/father-archetype/
Hoff Sommers, C. (2015). The War Against Boys: How Misguided Policies Is Harming Our Young Men. New York, NY:
Simon & Schuster. Farrell, W. & Gray, J. (2018). The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It. Dallas, TX: BenBella Books, Inc.
www.puredesire.org.
Anytime someone speaks of GENERATIONS, I’m drawn. Isn’t it funny how we seem to have radar when it comes to certain topics?
A couple of weeks ago, for instance, our worship leader read aloud from Psalm 145 as part of our corporate worship time:
…and shall declare your mighty acts.
5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
6 They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,
and I will declare your greatness.
7 They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness
and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.
The words pulled me in that morning, and they continue to pull…
“One generation… to another”
Our God is the God of many generations.
Scripture makes that clear. It’s even found in one of the names He uses for Himself:
“I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” Exodus 3:6
God loves the generations and prefers to work within its framework.
This passage is a mandate to generational interaction. The generation that is going off is to pour into the generation that is coming up. Likewise, the rising generation is to follow the example of the older generation. In this manner things are to continue — until the end of time as we know it.
A perfect design — for the good of all people and for His glory.
“…commend…declare…meditate…speak…declare…pour forth…sing aloud…”
Read through the passage again and notice. It is packed with vivid verbs calling us to action as we interact with the generations He so loves.
In verse four, we see that we are to offer public praise for the “things that we have heard and known, that our fathers have told us” (Psalm 73:8). In completeness and in detail, we are to proclaim His great works.
Verse five beckons us to private meditation. We are to spend time alone thinking on the gloriousness of His majesty and reflecting on His works.
Just as there is a rhythm to the generational cycle — older to younger, younger to older — we find a cycle in this passage. Verse four speaks to generational interaction. Verse five quiets us with a period of personal communication with the Lord.
The cycle continues in verses six and seven where in verse six we are instructed to tell other generations of His awesome deeds, things that no person could do on their own. And in verse seven, where we are exhorted to share our praise for His abundant goodness and to sing aloud His righteousness — a goodness that can never dry up and a righteousness that is perfect and just.
Musings of a Mimi (as she meditates on this passage)
As I sit with this passage pondering the generational message and all those verbs, the questions arise. And while it would be the easy thing just to swipe them away, I know that is not in my best interest or the best interest of the generations in my circle of influence. As difficult as it may be, I need to answer those questions. God does His best work in my life in the hard place of self-reflection and honesty.
“Do I share the great works of God that I have heard from others with my grandchildren and those of other generations? If so, do I gloss over them or share them in completeness and detail?”
“Am I spending time alone in meditation on His glorious majesty and supernatural works? Do I live in this rhythm of experiencing periods of personal time with God then going out to share with the generations what I have come to know?”
“Do I tell of His great power? Share my praise for His abundant goodness and provision? Sing of His righteousness?”
Questions raise more questions:
“Am I intentional about making Him a big deal when I’m with my grandchildren? Do I share only the history and God’s “rules?” Or am I deliberate about also sharing His unfathomable love?”
As Mimi, I sit in a unique position of influence with my grandchildren. But it’s so easy for me to lose sight of that as I get caught up in the day to day of life. I can go for days without giving much thought to these important things.
Sitting here with this passage, I am reminded — of my great responsibility to my grandchildren and how I am to carry it out. I am reminded of the role God has assigned to me in His loving wisdom.
More questions as I continue to reflect:
“If I’m not intentional about making God a big deal with my grandchildren, what might happen?”
I’ve heard that it only takes three generations for love to be lost. I tend to think that might be a valid statistic as I call to mind a company in our area that was started by a gentleman several years ago. He loved the company and poured his heart and life into it. He also trained his children in the business, and they eventually took over. Then on to the next generation it went. The generation who sold it. Yes, it was the family business, but this generation did not share their grandfather’s love and passion for company. Three generations. Grandfather’s love was gone!
“Or what about this example?”
The people served the Lord throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had seen all the great things the Lord had done for Israel. Joshua son of Nun, the servant of the Lord, died at the age of a hundred and ten… After that whole generation had been gathered to their ancestors, another generation grew up who knew neither the Lord nor what He had done for Israel. — Judges 2:7-8, Judges 2:10 (NIV)
A generation lost! Joshua’s generation! In the span of a single generation, not three! And to top it all, this was a generation who had personally witnessed miraculous signs and wonders and unbelievable victories.
The passage doesn’t tell us HOW it happened, only that it did!
As a grandparent, I simply need to know — that it did. It could.
Oh that it not happen to my grandchildren. This is the cry of my heart!
Grandparent, Right there is those few verses from Psalm 145 we see it. God calls us to work within the framework of generations. He calls us to interact with and impact our grandchildren for their good and His great glory. We are to do this by preparing ourselves in His presence and then going out to share with great exuberance what we know about Him.. Our assignment is to be about the business of making a big deal of God with our grandchildren. It’s a tremendous responsibility, but one He assigned to us.
4 One generation shall commend your works to another,
Loving Father, I pray that each one of my precious children and grandchildren come to know You, personally, and that they love You with their entire being. Help me as their grandma to be intentional in interacting with them (and other generations). Help me to boldly and without reservation share my love for You with each of them through accounts of Your mighty acts, awesome deeds, greatness, abundant goodness, righteousness, and lavish love for all. Amen!
Can you parent as a grandparent? Here are the thoughts of Dr. Kevin Leman from his podcast on the subject with Andrea and Doug:
“Doug: Some day, we’ll all likely be grandparents. What do you do if your kids start dropping your kids off more and more and asking you to be their parent? Can you parent as a grandparent? Well, we need to know if you end up having to parent as a grandparent. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today.
Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you just told us a really interesting story about someone who emailed you a question from a grandparent. It got me thinking. I think there’s probably more people that listen to this that either are having to parent as a grandparents, or someday were going to do it. What do we need to know if we get in this situation?
Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you, I think there’s an awful lot of grandparents out there, number one, who are rearing their grandchildren. There’s a lot of grandparents out there whose adult children are using their parents, the child’s grandparents, in a negative way, in a way that they expect the grandparents to drop everything they’re doing and to give safe harbor to their grandchildren. Now, we have four grandchildren. Quite frankly, we go to great lengths to be with them. Two of them live in Chicago, which is not exactly next door to Tucson, Arizona.
Dr. Leman: In fact, my dear wife is flying up there in a week or so to be with our daughter, Hannah, and her husband, and those two little twins because both of them work and they’re like a lot of couples. We want to be helpful parents. Let’s face it, grandparents, you are mature. You’ve gone through life. You know a few things. By the time we get to the grandparent stage, we’re pretty steady and predictable, and again, a safe harbor.
Dr. Leman: As I was telling you the other day, I got a question from a woman and I really felt so sad because the parent comes and drops off her daughter and leaves her there. I mean, leaves her there. She leaves her there. She doesn’t say, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.” She just leaves them and takes off. Grandparents never know when she’s going to come back. It can be two weeks later. It can be a week later. It could be three days later. Here’s a daughter who has absolutely no respect for her parents, and she uses those grandparents, their good will, good nature, and their love for their grandchild. You tell me, what would you do? I know what I told her to do, but I’d love to know what you guys would do if you’re the grandparents and you have a daughter, doesn’t have a husband, is single mom and she brings by this little granddaughter, drops her off and you never know when she’s going to come back. What would you do?
Andrea: Oh, I’d be taking care of that grand baby, loving on it and just treating it like, “Well, you’re here now and as long as you’re here I’m mom, I guess.”
Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. I think that’s how most people would respond, that, “This is my granddaughter and I love her and I want what’s best for her. Yes, we’ll take her to school. Yes, we’ll pack her lunches. Yes, we’ll give her money if she needs it,” and all those kind of things.
Andrea: I’d probably even be considering adopting her.
Dr. Leman: Well, I tell you, here’s what I shot back to grandma. I said, “You know what? This is a situation that doesn’t have a happy ending. The best thing you can possibly do is to start refusing taking your granddaughter until you reach an agreement with your daughter that you have guardianship of that nine year old.” This daughter is … God only knows what she’s doing. What she’s doing is not good. I can tell you that from the kind of things that the grandmother had shared with me. Again, parents, it’s a catch 22. You want to help your grandchild, but you best help your grandchild by getting guardianship of that nine year old. Now, that costs money. You have to have cooperation with your daughter. Whether your daughter caves in and gives it to you is up for grabs, but you can’t go through life just having somebody drop a youngster, someone you love, off at your house and not knowing where she is and when she’s going to be back.
Dr. Leman: What if you guys have plans to go someplace and maybe see one of your other children, or one of you is still employed and have employment responsibilities. It’s a no win. As tough as that advice is for people, the best solution is to try to get guardianship. Once you have guardianship, then you can go ahead and you can really rear that nine year old as the parent. Then, mom has visiting rights, so to speak, for lack of a better term. She sees the kid’s mother, but you can imagine this child is just nine years old. What is she going to be like at 14? She needs somebody that’s going to really model stability and currently mom is just all over the place. Again, I’m very suspect that she’s a druggie and doing a lot of things that she shouldn’t be doing.
Doug: If the grandparents refuse the daughter unless they get guardianship and the daughter refuses, what’s going to happen to that … my grandchild?
Dr. Leman: See, this is where a situation like this we feel like we’re over the barrel. It’s just like the parent that writes in and says, “My son refuses to take his medication. It’s really important he takes his medication.” Well, the kid’s got you over the barrel. Kids and adults know when they have you over the barrel. They’ll work you. People aren’t for using. I know that. Is this easy to pull off? No. It’s not easy at all. Is it simple? No. It’s not simple either, Leman. This is difficult stuff, but you have to have a heart to heart with daughter. I mean, I’m suspect that the grandparents are also helping the daughter financially. They help her financially and she takes off on a two week binge someplace, hit and miss at work and all that. It’s a crisis in the making. I’ve awfully said, “I’d rather force a blowout than watch it slow leak itself to death.” These are tough questions. Most of your parents who are listening are saying, “Oh my goodness. I’m glad that’s not our situation.” It’s tough.
Andrea: Is there any hope that by the grandparents standing up and saying to the daughter, “Well, you need to give us guardianship if we’re going to keep doing this,” that she might actually recognize what she’s doing and she just is waiting for somebody to hold her accountable and she might-
Dr. Leman: She might.
Andrea: Come out of this-
Dr. Leman: She might.
Andrea: Behavior?
Dr. Leman: Again, permissiveness reigns in our society, and caving in and giving in. Very few people draw lines and says, “This is no longer manageable for us.” Imagine, grandparents living life and all of a sudden, without notice, there’s no phone call or anything, she just drops her off at the house and leaves. I mean just totally non-responsible behavior. You get the authorities involved, then there’s more problems down the line. I think this is something you want to try to solve as grandparents and cut a deal with your daughter for one specific reason, and that is you want to give that granddaughter, in this case, the best predictable, safe environment where she’s going to feel loved and she has some stability. Nine year olds need that, believe me.
Doug: You know what I really appreciate about this example is, for me, you have used this phrase before, “I prefer a blowout than a slow leak, and people are not to be taken advantage of.” It’s like, “Yeah, I get it now.” If I’m ever being taken advantage of, I should force the issue instead of just limping along like this. In all of life, whether you’re a grandparent or not, that’s great.
Doug: Well, before we finish, ’cause I have another question for grandparents here, I want to take this moment for all our podcast listeners, again, to tell you about the eBook special, thank from Baker Books, for you and you alone, a book by Dr. Leman called Born to Win for $1.99, June four to ten of 2019. Dr. Leman, I’m embarrassed to say so, I haven’t read Born to Win. I don’t know if I’ve even heard about it, which [crosstalk 00:08:37]-
Andrea: I don’t know if I’ve heard of it either.
Dr. Leman: Well-
Doug: What is this one about?
Dr. Leman: Who do you suppose is born to win? Take a guess.
Doug: Andrea-
Andrea: The baby-
Doug: ‘Cause she’s sweet.
Dr. Leman: Nope.
Doug: The middle child, ’cause we’re both middle children.
Dr. Leman: No.
Andrea: The only child.
Doug: No, no, ’cause we’re middle children. No?
Dr. Leman: The firstborn.
Doug: Ah.
Andrea: We’re all born to win.
Dr. Leman: The firstborn. They are born to win.
Andrea: Yeah.
Dr. Leman: It’s all about firstborn children. If you’re a firstborn-
Doug: So this is-
Dr. Leman: Or if you have a firstborn, you might really enjoy reading Born to Win.
Doug: It does help to get behind their eyeballs and understand it, doesn’t it? Born to Win, $1.99 June four to ten of 2019. Now, favorite part of the segment, Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman.
Dr. Leman: You know, you don’t have to walk very far to find a smart mouthed kid these days. You’ll find them in schools. You’ll find them on a playground. This is so difficult to say to you parents. You may even find them in your home. You know, kids today view themselves as social equals. They don’t really see authority in a proper manner. Parents, quite frankly, don’t act in authority. They tend to be permissive and then they swing to authoritarian. We’ll discuss that one at another time, but the point is is that these kids know where you are, how you operate. I’ll tell you, they can pull your chain. The question is, when your child is really smart mouth to you, ask yourself this question. What was the purpose of nature of that? Was it to show you that he or she is the boss, that they want to simply just dis your authority?
Dr. Leman: It could be, but the point is, words hurt and you don’t have to just come back immediately. If you do, you engage in fighting. Remember, fighting is an act of what? Cooperation. After the hurtful words, go about your business. I’m telling you, I don’t care if your kid is six or 16, it’s going to be a very short period of time when they come to you and say, “Mommy, would you get me this?” Or, “Mom, can I go over to John’s house?” Maybe they’re driving the car. “Hey dad, can I take the car?” Well, a simply dosage of vitamin N will get your son or daughter’s attention. What does that mean? A simple, “No. I don’t feel like getting you anything right now.” “Honey, no, you can’t take the car.” Turn your back. Walk away.
Dr. Leman: Now, again, do not engage in battle. You have gold in your back pocket, parents, okay? I call this parental poker. You have four aces in your back pocket as well. You don’t have to always play those cards, you just have to have the assurance that those cards are there. Quite frankly, your kid wouldn’t have underwear on right now if you didn’t buy it for him. Who’s kidding who? You are in full authority over your children.
Dr. Leman: Now, here’s the fun part, I think. They’re going to dig. They’re going to say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You always let me go to John’s house. You always let me do this.” Let them really squirm and figure out that maybe what they said an hour and a half earlier was very inappropriate. Don’t tell them right off the bat. Again, let them sort of guess and figure it out. Finally, he or she will figure it out. “Oh, I’m sorry about what I said this morning.” “Well, honey, I’m glad you could say you’re sorry. That’s really important.” “Well, can I take the car now?” “No, but we’ll revisit that another day.” That’s Straight Talk from the good old Dr. Leman. I’m telling you, this stuff works.
Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Here’s my question. For the grandparents that are not in that dire of a situation but we do have the classic, “Truly the parents are super permissive and when they come over to my house, my grandparents just are out of control. I don’t agree with their parenting style. What do I do when I have them in my house for five hours or maybe overnight? What do I do with their unruly behavior?”
Dr. Leman: Well the simple sentence is, “Honey, in our home we don’t do that,” works, whether it’s putting your feet on the furniture or whatever. Here’s the interesting thing that I’ve observed over the years, Doug and Andrea, that kids can go from one environment to another with a completely different set of rules and they adjust to it. Grandparents, don’t lower your expectations for your grandchildren. I would tell you, when the grandchildren come over, okay, have fun. Do a little thought about, “Hey, what could we do with … grandkids are coming over.” Maybe your kids have said, “Hey, we want to take off for a weekend. Would you take the kids for a weekend?” “Okay, we’d be glad to.”
Dr. Leman: Well, rather than just sit around grandma and grandpa’s house, which a lot of grandparents are very comfortable in doing, plan a couple things. In fact, asking your grandchild’s opinion of, “Honey, would each of you give grandma and grandpa one idea of things you think might be fun for all of us to do this coming weekend? I know you’re coming over Friday night and you’re going to be here til Saturday late, so come up with a couple things and grandma … grandpa and I will talk about it and we’ll figure something out,” so that time with your grandchildren is meaningful and you can have a fun time together.
Doug: The recommendation is make it fun when they do come over and keep your standards going, that they will adjust to being at your house with whatever standards-
Dr. Leman: They will.
Doug: You have.
Dr. Leman: They will adjust to whatever your expectations are.
Doug: When I think about when we have some of our nieces and nephews come over, they do adapt to our behavior.
Andrea: Yeah.
Doug: It is interesting. You’re right. Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. You might hear a frog in our background. We have a frog in our garage that we cannot find. If you hear something croaking-
Dr. Leman: I love it.
Doug: If you hear something croaking, it’s not Andrea.
Andrea: No, it’s not.
Doug: It’s actually a frog.
Dr. Leman: Okay, people, Doug and Andrea are hillbillies. You remember the old hillbillies? The Beverly Hillbillies-
Doug: Oh, come on-
Dr. Leman: These are Oregon hillbillies.
Doug: Come on.
Dr. Leman: They got a frog in there.
Doug: We can’t find it. We’ve been looking for like a week.
Dr. Leman: You know why-
Doug: It tells you how cluttered our garage is.
Dr. Leman: You know what the frog said? He said, “Pardon me, I have a man in my throat.”
www.birthorderguy.com. Used by permission.
Affirming our grandchildren – it’s key: to building strong relationships, to discipleship, to passing the faith.
Our words are powerful. When handled well, they can build up, encourage, communicate love, and convey value to our grandchildren. On the other hand, our disregard in the use of our words, and even our silence, have the affect of performing just the opposite work in the lives of our grandchildren.
Knowing this, it’s imperative that we understand AFFIRMATION and learn to practice it well.
WHAT IS GOD-CENTERED AFFIRMATION?
Words can get muddied. Consider, for example the words: blessing, encouragement, and affirmation. We often use them interchangeably and while there’s nothing wrong with that practice, at their core, these words are distinct in meaning.
A BLESSING is a word or action that delivers refreshment and hope to its recipient.
According to John Trent, a blessing is the gift of acceptance and unconditional love passed from one generation to another through meaningful touch, a spoken message, attaching high value, picturing a special future and an active commitment. A blessing is live giving, live-changing.
ENCOURAGEMENT applies to words or actions that offer support, confidence and hope. Encouragement looks forward, painting a bright future of something that “could be.” Think of it as “cheerleading.”
AFFIRMATION, on the other hand, looks backward. It confirms something that has already happened and been observed.
“Affirmation is truthfully declaring by complimentary word or action the goodness of something. Good affirmation attests, certifies, or confirms that which honors God, that which is morally upright.”
Sam Crabtree, Practicing Affirmation (page 132)
BLESSING, ENCOURAGEMENT, & AFFIRMATION
As we look a little more closely at our definitions, we see that:
In short, one way to bless our grandchildren is to offer them encouragement, and one way to encourage them is through affirmation.
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO AFFIRM OUR GRANDCHILDREN?
HOW DO WE AFFIRM?
CHARACTERISTICS OF GOOD AFFIRMATIONS
Good affirmations are:
As grandparents, we have an important role in the lives of our grandchildren. And if we desire to fill that role well, one of the things we must do is practice God-centered affirmation.
Remember, the purpose of God-centered affirmations is to glorify God by refreshing and motivating our grandchildren as we disciple them.
“Perhaps the best way to curb our bent for picking at others’ faults is simply to go out of our way to say good things about them – not by being insincere or buttering people up, and not be being blind to their imperfections, but simply by paying attention and making the effort to voice what we notice.”
Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Adorned
www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a special one (and it should be)! It’s sweet and wonderful and like-nothing-we’ve-ever-known-before, but we must take care not to mishandle God’s design for it.
“Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, 2 that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son’s son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long. 3 Hear therefore, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey.
4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates (Deuteronomy 6:1-9).
Did you see it? In verse two of this very familiar “grandparent” passage? Those words, “you and your son and your son’s son?” God’s command is multi-generational. We are to make disciples of our children AND our grandchildren. But we can’t do this if we are giving all our time and attention to our grandchildren while ignoring our children.
So, if we’ve been guilty, where do we begin?
Our work with our children is never done. It simply changes, and it goes hand-in-hand with our work with our grandchildren.
www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
Have you ever come across a word that seems to jump out at you consistently? A word that causes you to sit up and take notice each time you hear it? This is one of those words for me. In fact, I believe I began taking particular notice of the word right around the time I realized I was a long-distance grandmother.
Intentional: done with intention or on purpose; intended. (Dictionary.com)
I have to chuckle at that definition because being a former Language Arts teacher and English major, I always stressed to my students never to use the word itself in a definition because if you don’t know what the word means in the first place using it in the definition certainly won’t help clarify things. So, let’s take a look at the definition of the root word.
Intention: an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result. (Dictionary.com)
Perhaps INTENTION has become a word for me because in my current season of life I am learning that the things that are truly important in my life require me to be INTENTIONAL about them. When I was a child, life just happened. There was no need for INTENTION because I had parents and other adults in my life to care for me. As a young mom, others were my responsibility, and I often found myself so busy trying to juggle everyone and everything that there was no time to be INTENTIONAL–about anything.
Now as an empty nester, the word is giving some shape to the second half of my life. From here, I can look back and see how time flies. My babies are grown and are parents of their own. My grandchildren are growing up so quickly. From here, I can also look back at all the times I had “good INTENTIONS” with no follow through because…. (Fill in the blank–time got away from me, I needed to drive someone somewhere, homework needed to be done, meals needed to be cooked, there was some type of event going on at church, I forgot. If you are in that season or have lived through that season, you get the idea.)
As God continues to bring this word to me now, one thing I notice in looking at the definition is that INTENTION is an act of determination. I must be deliberate. Putting my grandchildren on a calendar may seem cold or impersonal, but it makes sure that I don’t forget! The other thing I notice as I look at the definition of INTENTIONAL is that the act is done. I must follow through. “Good INTENTIONS” don’t show others the love of God if they remain just thoughts!
As a daughter of the King, my desire is to live a life of INTENTION.
INTENTION in my relationship with God, in my marriage, with my family, my friends, and in every area of my life including grandparenting.
What does it look like to be INTENTIONAL about grandparenting? For me, during the first few years of grandparenting all of my grandchildren lived far enough away that I wasn’t able to interact with them face-to-face on a daily basis. Being INTENTIONAL at that time, meant looking for ways to make connections and build relationships with them across the miles. Later on, INTENTION meant keeping a calendar with my grandchildren’s names on it to remind me to make some type of contact with them: mailing each a small item that was personal to them, sending notecards, or writing a story with them. INTENTION also became weekly Skype calls on the calendar so that we could “see” each other and talk about our week.
There are so many ways to be INTENTIONAL about our relationships with our grandchildren. Not only do we need to be INTENTIONAL about getting to know them and building relationships with them, but in modeling Godly marriages and passing along our love for God.
We also need to become INTENTIONAL about praying for our grandchildren. If our desire for them is that Satan’s schemes and powers toward them be stopped and God’s power and provision for them flow fully, we must pray. Not just INTEND to, but pray.
1. Form a group or at least grab a friend. Follow through is so much more likely if an accountability system is in place. By oneself, it’s so easy to put things off until they are nothing more than “good INTENTIONS.”
2. Put it on the calendar. Whether the calendar event is a weekly meeting with your Grandparenting Prayer Group, a check in with your internet prayer circle, or each grandchild’s name on a different day reminding you to lift him/her up purposely that day.
3. Pray specifically. Pray for physical, spiritual, and emotional protection. Pray that your grandchild would recognize evil in this world. Pray that they would be strong in their faith resisting the enemy. Pray that each grandchild would come to see themself as God sees them and be aware of His presence with them.
Iwww.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
How do you treat your elders? Do you respect your aging parents, your frail grandmother, your annoying aunt with dementia? Do you consider them an inspiration, an inconvenience, or both?
Here are just a few key examples:
· The first commandment of the “Big 10” reads: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:11
· Moses sternly warns the Israelites. If they fear God, they will respect their seniors: “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord. Leviticus 19:32
· The Apostle Paul promises God’s favor for honoring elders: “Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Ephesians 6:2-3.
Joseph and Ham are two Bible characters that shed light on honoring parents. Joseph took care of Jacob. Ham disrespected Noah.
Jacob was not a model father. The patriarch’s past was tainted with deception, favoritism, human trafficking and rape. His eleven sons lied to their father for decades about the death of Joseph, Jacob’s favorite son.
However, Joseph honored his father even if Jacob was far from perfect. He summoned his aged father to Egypt. He forgave his brothers and reunited the family. He protected and provided for Jacob in his old age. Even Pharaoh the pagan ruler, knew how to revere Joseph’s elderly father.
Jacob died in Egypt, full of years. The Egyptians honored Joseph’s father. They took forty days to embalm Jacob. His family and friends carried him back to his homeland:
“So Joseph went up to bury his father; all Pharaoh’s officials went with him—the senior courtiers of his household, all the senior officials of the land of Egypt, all Joseph’s household, his brothers, and his father’s household…the great entourage mourned his death with bitter sorrow.” Genesis 50:7-8
Joseph truly honored Jacob.
Conversely, Ham dishonored his father Noah. He suffered dire consequences from his blatant disregard for his father’s dignity as recounted in Genesis 9:18-23:
“The sons of Noah who came out of the ark were Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
Now Ham was the father of Canaan. Noah, a man of the soil, began to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of the wine, he got drunk and uncovered himself inside his tent. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness and told his two brothers who were outside. Shem and Japheth took the garment and placed it on their shoulders. Then they walked in backwards and covered up their father’s nakedness. Their faces were turned the other way so they did not see their father’s nakedness.
When Noah awoke from his drunken stupor he learned what his youngest son had done to him. So he said, “Cursed be Canaan!”
Ham’s moment of disrespect caused dire consequences for his offspring for generations!
No one is perfect. All of us are fallen and fallible. The longer we live, the more mistakes we make. We must honor our elders because it is the will of God. It is our privilege.
So what do we learn from a historical perspective?
“The Romans made use of their elderly and had faith in their wisdom and experience,” Cicero wrote “…there is assuredly nothing dearer to a man than wisdom, and though age takes away all else, it undoubtedly brings us that.”
Do other cultures honor their elders?
In Chinese and Japanese cultures, filial piety, a virtue of respect for one’s father, elders, and ancestors from Confucian philosophy – is highly valued. Japan holds a national holiday every year on the third Monday of September to honor and show appreciation for the elderly. “Respect for the Aged Day” is a paid holiday from work where grandparents receive gifts and share a meal with their families. Indian and Native American families deeply value the wisdom of their elders. Multiple generations of Mediterranean and Latin families live under one roof.
Pulitzer prize winner Jared Diamond observes:
“Our American culture cherishes the values of independence, individualism and self-reliance. Older adults suffer as they inevitably lose some of these traits. Our work ethic implies that if you’re no longer working, you’ve lost the main value that society places on you” causes depression and low self-esteem. Retirement means losing social relationships, which, coupled with America’s high mobility, leaves many old people hundreds or even thousands of miles away from longtime friends and family.”
So how do we honor our elders? How do we bless and encourage them? I have watched my sister Kathy honor our aging parents for many years. My Mom has mid-stage Alzheimer’s and my Dad had multiple strokes with vascular dementia before he died two years ago. These are the invaluable lessons I learn from her.
My Dad, “Poppa,” was extremely independent. He did not want to admit he had trouble taking care of his home, paying his bills or driving his car safely. Kathy allowed him to do as much as he could and praised him for his competency, but prepared to oversee more challenging tasks. Now she supervises the nurses who provide 24-hour care for my Mom.
Kathy celebrates everything and everyone. She is the consummate hostess. Mom and Dad came to every birthday party, anniversary and holiday. One of my most treasured possessions is the photo Kathy staged with “Cutie,” “Poppa,” and all of our extended family just weeks before his death.
My parents were wise, godly people. Kathy brought her grandchildren over to their home and encouraged them to ask every question on their young minds! She bought a toy box full of books and puzzles to play with “Cutie and Poppa.” The great-grandkids listened with glee as Poppa recounted his adventures.
My parents grieved over relocating from their family home in Dallas to the smaller East Texas town where my sister lived. She comforted them and worked tirelessly to involve them in church and community events. Daddy loved the Saturday morning Farmer’s Market when he was alive. Kathy took time out of her busy schedule to enjoy apricot fried pies with him!
Cutie now asks the same questions over and over again. “Where’s Poppa?” After 63 years of blissful marriage, Mom keenly senses the loss of her Other Half. Instead of getting frustrated, Kathy gently reminds her that Poppa is in heaven. She patiently finds Mom’s purse for the 67th time after mom moves it.
Kathy is a prayer warrior. She constantly prays for Cutie to have God’s peace in the loss of her husband. She prays for each one of Mom’s caregivers. She prays for wisdom and strength to love own children and grandchildren more each day.
I can’t tell you how much I admire my sister for honoring my parents!
“…For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the king will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.’ Matthew 25:35-40
You simply cannot go wrong when praying Scripture.
To be honest, as I look back over my life of prayer I must admit there have been times when I simply did not know what to pray – blank mind, no words. There have also been times when my prayers seemed mechanical – rote, repetitive, even dull.
On occasion my prayers have even felt powerless – ineffective, as though they made no difference.
Can you relate? Ever feel like you are praying “wrong” or your prayers are of no benefit?
Over the past year or so, I have discovered that there are many ways to “breathe new life” into my prayers when faced with any of these scenarios.
Just what do we mean when we say, “PRAY SCRIPTURE?”
According to Evan B. Howard, author of Praying the Scriptures, “To pray the Scriptures is to order one’s time of prayer around a particular text in the Bible.”
This can be done in one of several ways including:
PRAYING SCRIPTURE is not only one of my favorite ways to “breathe new life” into my prayers, it is one of my favorite tools for praying for my grandchildren.
Some Scriptures especially suited to praying for grandchildren are Numbers 6:22-27, Ephesians 1:15-23, Ephesians 3:14-21, Philippians 1:9-11, Colossians 1:9-12, Psalm 91, Psalm 139, and The Book of Proverbs.
Let’s take a closer look at PRAYING SCRIPTURE using one of these passages as it might be prayed for a grandchild:
For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all. — Ephesians 1:15-23 (ESV)
One way to pray this Scripture for our grandchildren would be to personalize it by reading it as though it were written specifically for one’s own grandchild.
Additionally, the pray-er could personalize it even more by making personal petitions on behalf of their grandchild as they read/pray.
For example, at “give thanks” a grandparent could stop and take a few moments to thank God for a grandchild or all of their grandchildren by name. While giving thanks, a praying grandparent might also want to offer thanks for the privilege of being a grandparent and for God’s very gracious blessings.
At “may give you the Spirit of wisdom,” ask God to give your grandchildren spiritual wisdom for the purpose of making godly decisions. Pray that your grandchildren would develop a sense of holy reverence and awe of the Lord.
As you pray for “the revelation in the knowledge of him,” pray that God will help your grandchild to grow in knowledge of and love for Christ.
As you continue, pray that each of your grandchildren will have the eyes of their hearts enlightened; that they will get understanding and hate every false way (Psalm 119:104).
When you pray “that [your grandchild] may know what is the hope to which he has [been] called,” ask God to help your grandchild live with an eternal perspective. Pray that your grandchild would come to know Christ, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).
Thank God for the eternal inheritance He has in store for your grandchildren (Ephesians 1:14, Colossians 3:24, Hebrews 9:15, 1 Peter 1:4).
Ask God to enable your grandchildren to live obediently through the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank Him for the life-from-death power that is accessible to your grandchildren.
Pray that the Holy Spirit would provide strength to enable your grandchildren to resist temptation and to live brave.
Finally, pray that your grandchildren would be established in love and grasp the love of Christ. Ask God to help your grandchildren love others, walk in love, and live in the freedom of Jesus’ unconditional love.
If you have never PRAYED SCRIPTURE before, why not begin here? Then try praying some of the other passages for your grandchildren. As you become more comfortable with the practice, you might even pray Scripture for others or yourself.
PRAYING SCRIPTURE:
I’d love to hear how PRAYING SCRIPTURE has impacted your life or how you might choose to pray Ephesians 1:15-23 for your grandchildren. Please share by leaving a comment.
www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
One of the most powerful tools any grandparent can utilize is that of asking questions. This simple act reaps so many benefits.
Asking questions of your grandchildren shows your interest in them and draws them into conversation. Your questions can help you learn more about your grandchild’s personality, their daily life, struggles, and feelings. Additionally, the conversations that flow naturally from your questions help strengthen your grandparent/grandchild connection and build deep relationship.
Question asking is a powerful tool. However, like anything else, the better we understand this tool, the more effective its use.
Be present with your grandchild.
You’re asking questions because you want to connect with your grandchild. Your desire is to build deep relationships. This isn’t going to happen if you grandchild feels like they are part of an inquisition.
Create a safe and comfortable atmosphere by “doing” something together as you talk – go fishing, work a jigsaw puzzle, cook dinner, take a walk.
Do your homework. Then ask questions that connect.
Listen when your grandchildren talk. It’s so easy to tune them out, paying absolutely no attention. But when we make the effort to listen, we will hear all kinds of things about their school day, their friends, and situations that are causing them angst. These are the things to ask questions about later.
Other homework tips:
Get to the heart of the matter.
Just as there’s a place for “small” talk, there’s a place for “small” questions.
Absolutely, use one or two “small” questions for easing into the deeper matters, but don’t waste your entire time together discussing the obvious. You want to ask questions that reveal something to you about your grandchild.
“Small” questions, typically:
Examples of “Small” questions:
“What’s up?”
“How ya doing?”
“What about those (insert name of favorite sport’s team)?”
“How was your day?”
“What about this weather?”
Fit your question to your grandchild.
I have eleven grandchildren – eleven individuals, eleven unique personalities. They don’t all respond well to the same type of question. A few of my grandchildren are great with me jumping right into the heart of a matter. Others need a little warm-up time. There are a couple who are willing and able to respond to my questions right away. Then there are the ones who need some space (quiet time) to process the question before offering a response.
It’s okay to have a stock pile of questions. However, it’s so important to know how to take those questions and reword them or modify your “asking” technique in order to make the most of your time with your grandchild.
Ask open-ended questions.
Rather than asking, “Do you like school?” Ask, “What do you like most about school?”
You won’t learn much by a “yes” or “no” answer, but responses to open-ended questions can lead to enlightening conversation and provide a glimpse into your grandchild you might otherwise not have gotten.
Better yet, ask for stories.
Even better are questions that allow your grandchild to respond with a story. This is much for comfortable for them, and the story will reveal things to you that no “answer” ever will.
Ask, then wait.
As mentioned previously, some children need time to process the question, their response, or how they think you might react. Always give some wait time.
A big part of developing the Art of Asking Questions, is to learn to listen well.
Listen with your ears and your eyes.
Give your grandchild your full attention. This means putting your phone away and removing all other distractions. Show them their importance by keeping your eyes on them while they speak.
Use appropriate body language.
Lean in! Smile. Nod. Let your grandchild know that you are listening through body language that communicates just that. They’re not going to be very interested in future conversations with us if our body language shouts, “I’m not listening!”
Focus on understanding.
How many of us are guilty of thinking about how we are going to respond WHILE our grandchild is speaking to us? When we do that, we are not really hearing what is being said. One of the best things we can do to develop the art of asking questions, is to learn to focus on hearing and understanding our grandchild rather than on planning how we will respond. Listen for what is spoken and what lies underneath.
Learn to rephrase.
One way to help with focus while listening is to learn to rephrase what your grandchild has said. Simply rephrase something your grandchild has said to show that you are listening. This can be done at an appropriate time during the conversation or when your grandchild has finished speaking.
Another rephrasing strategy that helps you move beyond the spoken word to a place of understanding is to say to your grandchild, “What I think I hear you saying is….”
Listen – without fixing, without preaching
One common mistake grandparents often make when their grandchildren share something with them is that they’re too quick to try to solve the problem.
Unless you are specifically asked, don’t try to fix the problem or give advice. If you are asked for advice, keep your words short and to the point. And, this is so important, do not preach at your grandchild. They get enough of that from other adults in their lives. You need to be a safe place. Remember, if you have lived an authentic life of faith before your grandchild, they know how you feel. Resist the urge to preach. Instead, bathe both your grandchild and the problem in prayer.
The Art of Asking Questions is a skill worth honing. Ask a well-crafted question, and you can open up a closed-mouthed grandchild and gain insight into their life. Listen well, and you can learn to hear so much more than simply the words that are being said.
www.deborahhaddix.com. Used by permission.
A few weeks ago, I told myself, “I am going to Internet so hard in 2015!”
That wasn’t an official goal, but more of a statement you yell at your laptop in coffee shops full of suddenly terrified people who don’t want to sit near the guy who yells at laptops.
I thought I was going to blog daily.
I was wrong.
Instead I am going to write daily and blog a few times a week.
Why the switch?
Because I realized my ego was driving my decision, not my discipline.
I wasn’t building a creative habit when I blogged daily, I was getting a daily fix of reaction. If I wrote something on a Tuesday morning, I wanted to launch it immediately and watch my Twitter feed fill up. Suddenly, I didn’t focus on the writing, I focused on what would get the most notifications.
The thought of writing an idea on a Tuesday and not posting it until a Wednesday seemed impossible. My ego argued, “Wait, wait, wait! I thought the whole point of blogging was to get people to tell you that you’re interesting or cool or have nice hair. If we don’t immediately share what we’ve written, how will we know it’s good? How will we know it matters?”
If postponing a blog post for 24 hours doesn’t seem like a herculean effort of ego control, well then bully for you. Or if you’re able to post every day without getting caught up in the ego game, that’s awesome. But for me, writing daily and posting every other day was/is a struggle. Maybe your ego manifests itself in different ways.
Here are three signs to know if your ego is making your decisions:
1. You’re impulsive
Ego’s favorite time frame is “RIGHT NOW!” If waiting on a decision for 24 hours feels impossible, ego might be at the wheel.
2. You’re compulsive
Ego’s favorite amount of anything is “MORE.” There’s never enough for our egos and they are never satisfied. If you achieve something and feel emptiness instead of satisfaction, beware.
3. You’re angry
If the ego doesn’t get more of what it wants, right now, there’s an eruption of anger. You might not kick over a table, but you’ll throw a tiny adult tantrum internally.
I’m still going to Internet so hard in 2015.
I’m still going to write things that I hope people will tweet because other writers encouraged me for years and I want to do the same for other people.
I might even go through seasons where I can blog everyday.
But I’m going to keep my eye on my ego.
Not because I’m noble, but because my ego is a horrible decision maker. And I’ve learned something:
Patient beats impulsive. Deliberate beats compulsive. Peaceful beats angry.
Patient beats impulsive. Deliberate beats compulsive. Peaceful beats angry.
Re-printed from www.jonacuff.me. Used by permission of the author.
