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Ask Roger

What to Do When Church is Killing Me

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Hello Roger,

 

Church is killing me. It started out that my husband, Ben, was serving with five or six other people several times a month on the soundboard. That has since dwindled to two people who serve one week a month. The rest of the time Ben is alone. He has had one Sunday off in the last six months. 

 

I work alone on Wednesday night soundboard (a two-person job) and have for the last six months or so.

 

We have been begging for help for months.

 

In order to get us some help, my pastor made it mandatory for everyone who serves on the worship team to help on soundboard rotationally. That was over two months ago, and not a single person has even agreed to be trained. The pastor hasn’t followed up on it, let alone enforced it. 

 

I used to read my Bible for 30 minutes every day, and I know my husband spent daily time in the Word as well. Between practices, services, and all special events we practically live at our church and don’t have time as a family anymore … much less the time or energy for spiritual things.

 

Yet the church keeps asking for more with no end in sight. 

 

So, the question stands, do I continue to fight the good fight, do I set down some ground rules to make a change, or do I simply leave and find a new church with a servant’s heart?

 

Waiting for your input,

 

Kirsten

 

Dear Kirsten,

In today’s culture, people just aren’t volunteering in the church anymore. We’re all “busy,” and serving just isn’t a priority. So many figure that someone else will help out … and after a while, no one is left.

When a church finds someone who is willing to volunteer, they oftentimes over-utilize them, asking for more and more until the once-excited servant is completely burned out and exhausted. Obviously, you were pushed and pushed, and now you’re experiencing total burnout.

First, I see no need for you to leave your church. Since you have so many ties, it would be a shame to lose those friends and relationships and start over again in a new place.

SO LET ME SHARE SOME THOUGHTS ON HOW TO GET WELL FROM CHURCH BURN OUT.

1. TAKE SOME NOURISHMENT AND THEN ENJOY A LONG NAP.

After Elijah defeated Jezebel’s 400 prophets of Baal, the wicked Queen declared that she would kill Elijah that very day (1 Kings 18). Elijah took off running. He ran and he ran until he came to Beersheba in southern Israel. After running scores of miles, he reached the mountain of Horeb in southern Judah; he felt exhausted and burned out.

Presently an angel arrived, awakened him, and gave him food to eat. He was still burned out and hurting, so after falling asleep a second time, the angel reappeared and gave him nourishment. As he recovered, God reengaged Elijah in ministry.

Just recently, forty master level students at MIT participated in a research project that kept them awake for 48 hours. They then were given EEG scans and discovered that a student kept awake for 48 hours has basically the same brain scan as a schizophrenic.

Have a good meal and go to sleep … in other words, take time to care for your physical needs. You can’t begin to recover mentally, emotionally, or spiritually until you’ve recovered physically. That takes time. Make it a priority.

2. SET BOUNDARIES

Jesus set boundaries on his ministerial activities. He knew when it was time to draw away from the crowds to pray and rest and recover from the rigors of ministry.

Give your pastor at least one more month to make a transition to new workers. But tell him that after one month, you plan to retire and take time to heal and get well. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to staff every church ministry with volunteers, including your chosen ministry. That is the pastor’s job.

It’s like leaving your job at work. You give two to four weeks notice so the company can make plans for the transition, and then you leave. Set a boundary which says you will not work at the soundboard until you recover from burnout.

3. GO TO A CHURCH HOSPITAL AND SIT ON THE BACK ROW.

Recognize that you are wounded and spiritually exhausted. It’s time to go to a church hospital behind the lines and recover.

I have dealt with many people over the years who come to our church after being burned out in another church.

My advice is always the same. Sit back and just enjoy your worship and church experience. It may take a while, but there comes a time when you can reengage in ministry. Nevertheless, take your time. So take a break and remember not to reengage too soon. There’s plenty of ministry for you in the days ahead.

And often, after healing and resting, you’ll be able to return to your church with strength.

4. CONSTANTLY MONITOR YOUR SPIRITUAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, AND PHYSICAL GAUGES.

Most burned out churchgoers are greatly overextended in one or more of these four areas. And frankly, if you overextend in any of them it’s no wonder that you are burned out. It’s okay to say “No” in order to keep your life in balance.

Jonah burned out. God told him to go to Nineveh and tell them to repent. Jonah wanted Israel’s greatest enemy to be destroyed. He was mentally confused about God’s intentions. After spending three days and nights inside a great fish he obeyed, went to Nineveh, and the whole city repented and turned to Jehovah.

But when Nineveh repented, Jonah got angry at God. Instead of rejoicing that an entire city came to Jehovah, he got angry and complained that God was a hard task master (Matthew 25:24-26).

God often becomes a hard task master when we burn out … but when we say “No” and heal, we’re better able to see His plans for us.

5. REFUSE TO OVEREXTEND YOURSELF.

David wrote Psalm 131: “O, Lord my eyes are not proud. I do not occupy myself with things too high and mighty for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child that is quieted at its mother’s breast, like a child that is quieted is my soul.”

He simply stopped. Period.

In this situation, I’m always reminded of Arnold Palmer’s Pennzoil tractor. In a TV commercial he stood beside his tractor and declared that it was over 80 years old, thanks to regular maintenance with Pennzoil.

Instead of burning out after several short years of ministry, let’s change the oil regularly and enjoy a long, profitable and satisfying ministry for many years to come.

So Kirsten, learn a lesson for next time. Before re-engaging in service, check to see that your spiritual, mental physical, and emotional gauges are well within the monitoring lines for health and balance. Keep the machine well oiled.

 

Please let me know how things are coming along,

Sincerely, Roger

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Articles

Firecracker and Kettle: How Men and Women Process Anger Differently

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

Due to the many differences in the physical makeup of male and female brains, men and women experience anger differently. Men, on average, fire up quickly but cool down in a shorter period of time. Women take longer to get upset, but once fired up its much more difficult for them to calm down. So, men are like firecrackers on the 4th of July: they light up quickly, but their anger does not last very long. Women, on the other hand, are like kettles: they take some time to boil, and once hot, the “water” stays hot for some time.

 

So, ladies and gents, your reaction to an argument or a fight is different! Don’t try to see your partner’s feelings in light of your own. The same emotional response in the brain motivates men to take action and women to walk away. He needs to fix it. She is sick to her stomach and can’t eat or sleep.

 

Here are some more fascinating points on anger from my new book “Who Switched off YOUR brain? Solving the mystery of he’s/she said:

 

When males and females get into an argument cortisol, which is a really important chemical but should only be released into the body by the adrenal glands in small, intermittent amounts, is released in abundance. Cortisol takes about twelve hours to subside in a female and about one hour in a male. The female brain, however becomes more stressed in an argument than the male brain, which often causes a female to overreact–this releases more chemicals at a higher rate than in the male brain, which in turn makes a female feel terrible.

 

Fights for women are on par with them having a seizure!

 

Men, however, can go from zero to a fight and back again quickly, while ladies cannot–just the thought of a misunderstanding or a fight stresses a woman out. We will try anything to defuse a conflict, won’t we? And despite the fact that a woman’s bigger prefrontal cortex gives her the advantage in sparring with words, his bigger amygdala means the impact of these words are going to really hit him hard and fuel the fire!

 

The important point here is that when we can recognize our differences and shape our expectations, we are free to receive the benefits that properly processed anger can provide – greater understanding, greater honesty, greater connections, greater health and, most of all, greater love.

 

Ephesians 4:6 says ” In your anger do not sin…”

 

Postscript: Men and women rest differently, men by withdrawing and women by talking. The question was asked whether this is the same if the woman is an introvert and the man an extrovert. The answer is that the brain wiring of females functions by resting through communication–if someone is more introverted and intrapersonal then she will still talk but more to herself and quietly. A man who is an extrovert will still rest by going into his “man cave”, thus when he talks he is operating under his personality, which may be more interpersonal and linguistic. I handle this in depth in my book and DVD set called “The Gift in You”.

For more information about Dr. Leaf’s research, go to www.drleaf.com.

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Articles

Bronwyn and Otis Lee: Putting God First

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

My youngest daughter Bronwyn has always pushed the envelope, sticking her hairy toe across any line drawn before her. Bronwyn, or “White Breast” was a Welsh heroine in her father’s favorite book, “How Green Was My Valley.” We never told her what her real name meant until much later. We just called her “pure heart” which matches her nature now. Her “pure heart,” however, was coupled with a predilection for stubbornness and extreme sports. Life with the Bronskie was never dull.

When she burst forth from the womb (after performing a continual tap-dance in my abdomen for nine months) her bright red face and Indian mohawk were prophetic. Her colicky warpath made for long nights of rocking and loud days of cajoling. Once we passed babyhood, Roger and I were sure Bronie would settle down. Forget it. She protested any hair-combing or hair-washing the first two years of life. Headbands and hats were our only option.

I don’t blame her for being cross. Nobody could spell or pronounce her name (including her). She was dubbed everything from “Brownie” to “Broadman” (the name of the old Baptist hymnal). Her only consolation came years later when we travelled to Wales and discovered her name was a household word. Instead of Barbie dolls, Welsh little girls had Bronwyn dolls.

Bronwyn had three treasured possessions in her young life:  the first was the “animal blankie”-a multi-colored mini-quilt pock-marked with farm animals and handed down from her older sister, Brianna. One tear-filled afternoon, we jumped in the car, peeled out and frantically drove to El Paso’s Motel 6 to retrieve it-dust bunnies and all.

The second treasured possession was a blue taffeta dress with a built-in jingle bell petticoat.  It never left her stinky body between the ages of three and four without a fist fight.  The third, and by far the greatest, was a bald baby doll named Otis Lee.  Otis appeared as the trophy toy from her three-year-old Christmas bounty.  None of the other gifts mattered.  It was Otis who stole her heart.

Otis had a hard life.  Besides the smelly task of living under Bronwyn’s armpit day and night, Otis had many brushes with death. Becky, our black and white border collie, fancied Otis as a chew-toy.  Besides dragging the plastic heartthrob through dog-poop, several teeth-marks had actually penetrated Otis’ skull.  After major surgery and some duct tape, Otis survived.  We’re not sure whether he had brain damage.  The worst catastrophe of Otis’ and Bronwyn’s lives came when her older sister Brianna had finally taken all of the pestering she could stand from her annoying little sister.  Being the precocious yet sneaky seven-year-old that she was, Brie watched the weather channel to find a rainy night in July.  After dark, she slipped Otis under a very deeply planted rosebush and waited for the mud to bury Otis alive.  Her act was ruthless, pre-meditated dolly murder.

Much to my chagrin, Otis was found.  Bronwyn was in hysterics.  In desperation, I threw Otis in the washer on perma-press.  Although the rubber body parts were slightly deformed, Bronwyn didn’t mind.  Otis slept in her bed for years.  One day she was forced to give up Otis for another.  Otis was exchanged for Richard, the man who captured her heart.  Bronwyn loved Otis, but as long as she held onto him, she could never grow-up and enjoy the man of her dreams.

After all, Richard is washable.

We hold onto many things in this life-journey.  Most of them are made of plastic. However, if by faith we choose to invite Jesus Christ into our lives and receive His gift of eternal life, we are forever transformed. All the playthings of this earth seem to fade when He captures our hearts.  We do not carry Him under our arm, as Bronwyn toted Otis.  We carry Him in our hearts.  And when He draws us with His love, we will never be the same.

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