Learning to renew your spiritual life and relax are critical to the emotional and physical health of ministers everywhere.
Every day it feels like we read another news report about the mental health crisis among children and youth, as well as how depression, anxiety, and suicide rates are getting worse. Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General went so far as to issue an advisory to protect the mental health of youth. Things seem bad, and for many young people, they truly are.
The world is changing, and sometimes it can feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above water, whether we are parents, guardians, or vulnerable children just trying to figure out our place in the world. These feelings have been exacerbated through the recent pandemic and other major world events, which often make everything seem worse, further straining our sense of mental wholeness.
We need to look at how we’re teaching our children to process and navigate the new world in which we live. This process starts with us as parents and guardians; how we manage our mental health is a model for how our children will manage their mental health. Research reflects that the unmanaged stress of an adult becomes the unmanaged stress of the child. So, one of the best ways you can help your child with their mental health is by working on your own mental health.
Why? Our mind drives who we are: how we think, feel, and choose. Our mind drives how we wake up in the morning and start the day; how we show up throughout the day; how we interact with our family, friends, teachers, and environment; and how we manage the good and bad things that happen to us. Our mind drives how our body makes cells, impacting our biological health and how we absorb nutrition from our food. The mind controls everything to do with our “aliveness.” We can go for three weeks without food, three days without water, and three minutes without oxygen, but we don’t even go for three seconds without using our mind!
If the mind is the driving force of our “aliveness” as human beings, we should be putting a massive amount of energy into understanding and developing the skills of mind-management to help both ourselves and our children manage the vagaries of life. A child with underdeveloped mind-management tends to be more vulnerable to intense feelings of confusion and be overwhelmed as they attempt to process what they’re exposed to, because they don’t have the mental skills necessary to understand what is happening to them or to communicate what they are going through. It’s our job as parents, caretakers, and educators to help them navigate a world that can easily feel scary and overwhelming. And one of the best ways we can do this is by giving them the gift of mind-management.
In my upcoming book, How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess, which is now available for preorder, I offer a scientific, evidence-based first step in dealing with the crisis in children’s mental health through mind-management. I give you easy-to-use, simple ways you can start teaching your child how to manage their mind so that as they grow, they can live their best life. Additionally, along the way, you may learn a thing or two about how to manage your mind so that you, can also live a life of resilience, peace, and joy!
One great way to start practicing mind management with your child is to teach them empathy from youth. At its core, empathy is the ability to sense the emotions of someone else. Encouraging empathy in our children means teaching them how to think beyond themselves and focus on what another person is feeling or experiencing.
Yet teaching our children empathy is not only important for social cognition and social interaction. It also helps children build their identity and develop a sense of their own personhood as they learn to interact with the world around them. In fact, empathy and identity work together and can help a child learn how to create and respect healthy boundaries in their relationships. Eventually, your child will learn to understand what they need and, in turn, recognize and respect what other people need as well.
Empathy is learned through social interaction and communication. We all have the ability to mirror the people we interact with, but to truly empathize, we must learn how to cultivate our understanding so we can truly connect with others. We must learn to “tune in” on a deeper level.
Of course, we will never be able to fully understand what someone else’s perspective or experience is, but we can learn to draw a connection to our own experience and use this to get a sense of what someone else might be going through. And, the younger we learn how to do this, the better we will understand ourselves and connect with other people as we grow. Empathy means imagining, as close as we can get, what someone is experiencing, which helps us relate to and connect with others on a deeper level.
Empathy also improves our communication. It is a form of interaction that uses emotions and nonverbal communication instead of language. In the same way that language works, where someone says something and we respond, empathy involves experiencing another person’s emotion and connecting with that experience.
It is however important to remember that empathy takes time to understand and develop, even for adults! First, it is important to help your child try understand what empathy is. Here are ways you can explain empathy to your child and help them learn how to be more empathetic:
- You can say something like “sometimes something happens to someone else, but we feel sad for them even though it didn’t happen to us. Has your friend ever hurt themselves and started crying and you felt sad for them even though you didn’t hurt yourself? Empathy means you are trying to see how you would feel if those things happen to you and how you would want someone to respond to you.”
- Remember that a big part of trying to show your child how to be empathetic starts with you as parents practicing empathy—children watch what we do and learn from us.
- Cultivating empathy also means helping your child cultivate their unique identity. It is important to help them understand that they are different from other people and may experience the world in a different way and have different feelings. When you validate your child’s experience and show them empathy, they will begin to understand what it means to have empathy for others. For example, say your child is afraid of your cat. You can say something like, “Are you feeling scared of the cat? Cats can be scary. I can hold your hand while you are close to it.” This shows you are validating their fear—you are not telling them to not be scared. You are letting them know that you see them and what they are experiencing and that you will be by their side to support them even though you are not afraid of the cat. Or, say your children are fighting and one child makes the other one cry. Rather than forcing your child to say sorry (especially when they are younger and may not be able to grasp the full meaning behind an apology), try to teach them to feel empathy. Try to say something like “Look, James, Tina is really sad and is crying. She is very hurt because you took her favorite toy. Can we try to see if we can make her feel better?” Empathy generally comes when people connect through thoughts, emotions, and actions, so encouraging your child to try do this instead of just getting angry at them will help them understand why what they did was hurtful, not just that it was “wrong” or “bad”.
- An extremely important part of cultivating empathy in young children is to help them learn and appreciate diversity at a young age. This means exposing them to different ideas, worlds, and people, and showing them these differences are good and not something to be afraid of.
www.drleaf.com.
In this sermon series, “Tell Me What You Want,” we learn that God sees and cares about our brokenness, hurt, and need. He invites us to turn to Him for help, and the process is simpler than we might think.
www.chaseoakschurch.org. Used by permission.
Dear Roger,
I’m stressed and scared. It seems that the world is becoming more unstable daily. I worry about COVID, mass murderers, and protests. I’m worried about losing my job. I’m worried about what’s happening to my children’s education. I’m worried that life is we knew it is gone forever. I no longer read the news, because it seems that the same scary things are being repeated over and over. Everything seems to be in crisis. What are some practical ways to handle my stress? I’m all stressed out.
Sincerely,
Andy
Dear Andy,
When I was a teenager, I came across the following “LIFE EVENTS STRESS SCALE in the Sunday morning newspaper. Of course, putting a number to various stress situations is not an exact science. If you were to make a personal chart, your evaluations would certainly be somewhat different. Nevertheless, this exercise may well give us an idea of just how much stress we’re under.
Life events Stress scale
To get an idea of the level of stress (distress) in your life, place a checkmark beside each event that you have experienced in the last 12 months. Depending on your coping skills or the lack thereof, this scale can predict the likelihood that you will fall victim to a stress-related illness sometime in the next year.
NOTE: Stress-related illnesses can include heart attack or other heart problems, stroke, cognitive difficulties such as extreme forgetfulness or decline in problem-solving abilities, major depression, anxiety, immune suppression and a rise in infections, chronic fatigue, increased susceptibility to certain types of cancer, and many others.
When you’re finished, add up the points for each event. Check your score at the bottom.
_____ 100 Death of Spouse
_____ 73 Divorce
_____ 65 Marital or relationship partner separation
_____ 63 Jail term
_____ 63 Death of close family member
_____ 53 Personal injury or illness
_____ 50 Marriage
_____ 47 Fired from work
_____ 45 Marital reconciliation
_____ 45 Retirement
_____ 44 Change in family member’s health
_____ 40 Pregnancy
_____ 39 Sex difficulties
_____ 39 Addition to family
_____ 39 Business readjustment
_____ 38 Change in financial status
_____ 37 Death of close friend
_____ 36 Change to a different line of work
_____ 35 Change in number of marital arguments
_____ 31 Mortgage or loan over $350,000
_____ 30 Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
_____ 29 Change in work responsibilities
_____ 29 Trouble with in-laws
_____ 28 Outstanding personal achievement
_____ 26 Spouse begins or stops work
_____ 26 Starting or finishing school
_____ 25 Change in living conditions
_____ 24 Revision of personal habits
_____ 23 Trouble with boss
_____ 20 Change in work hours, conditions
_____ 20 Change in residence
_____ 20 Change in schools
_____ 19 Change in recreational habits
_____ 19 Change in church activities
_____ 18 Change in social activities
_____ 17 Mortgage or loan under $350,000
_____ 16 Change in sleeping habits
_____ 15 Change in number of family gatherings
_____ 15 Change in eating habits
_____ 13 Vacation
_____ 12 Christmas season
_____ 11 Minor violations of the law
_____ 50 Before we tidy up our total score, we need to include points which reflect the stress of the covid pandemic. I’m suggesting 50 points. You may want to go higher or lower depending upon your circumstances.
Of course, you may want to add points in unlisted areas like worrying about recessions and depressions. Or having a fixed income with a downturn in the economy accompanied with worries about inflation. You may have to add points based on you own personal circumstances.
______Your Total Score
Now, compare your score to the scale below:
< 149 = Low susceptibility to stress-related illness
150-299 = Medium susceptibility to stress-related illness
> 300 = High susceptibility to stress-related illness
Let me give you several practical thoughts about handling stress in a healthy, biblically sound way.
- WE CAN CHOOSE TO QUIET DOWN AND REDUCE OUR STRESS.
Psalm 131, written by David, is one of my favorite “quieting down” biblical passages. I go to it often, especially when I’m stressed. David says that it is possible to quiet our minds if we so choose:
My heart is not proud, oh Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I still and quiet my soul; like a child quieted at its mother’s breast, like a child that is quieted is my soul. (Psalm 131:1-2)
I also like to keep in mind the following verse. I often quote it to myself.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee. (Isaiah 26:3 KJV)
Imagine that you’re sitting on the hillside with Jesus while He teaches about handling stress.
- WE CAN LOWER OUR STRESS LEVEL WHEN WE CONSIDER HOW VALUABLE WE ARE TO CHRIST.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6:26)
How many birds are you worth to God?
Perhaps five sparrows, a hawk, two cockatoos, and a bald eagle? How about two vultures?
Julie and I were teaching a spiritual seminar as in Izmir, Turkey. One of my daughters and one of her friends were with us on the trip.
I came upon a leather-engraved briefcase in the bazaar. The price tag was $300.
I said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll give you $150!”
He replied “No, how about $200.”
“No, thank you,” I said, $150 is as high as I’ll go.” We left.
Several hours later we were walking by the shop with the briefcase. The shop owner saw me, held up the briefcase, and yelled out, “How about one daughter and two goats?”
“No, that’s too much” I hollered back. “How about I give you one daughter and one goat!”
“Dad!”
Of course, my children are priceless.
God’s children are priceless to Him.
He will never allow anything to happen to us that is out of His control. We are worth too much.
- DRAW ON YOUR FAITH TO TRUST THAT NOTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL. GOD HAS A PLAN AND A PURPOSE FOR EVERYTHING.
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in his entire splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (Matthew 6:28-30)
Jesus invented the word “little faiths” (oligopistoi). It seems to be a nickname he utilized as a way of gently chiding his disciples for their lack of faith in God.
Remember when the storm raged upon the Sea of Galilee? Jesus was asleep in the boat, and the disciples were terrified. They awakened Jesus. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid, you “little faiths”?
I wish we could’ve seen His face and heard the inflection of His voice. He wasn’t scolding. He was smiling and encouraging. I’ve often thought that he may have been singing something like: “You’ve got the cutest little baby faith!”
Jesus is in the business of building and strengthening our faith.
Maybe you’re just starting out in your spiritual walk.
“Baby faith: you’ve got the cutest little baby faith!”
One of the most difficult and most important issues for those of baby faith is understanding that God often uses those things which stress us to mature us to look like Jesus.
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered. (Hebrews 4:8)
The tools of obedience that God used with Jesus are the same tools that He uses with us. Consider these three types of faith we see in Scripture:
Doubting Faith: Like Thomas vacillating in the Upper Room, we struggle to believe. But when all is said and done, we put our faith in Him.
Normal Faith: Most of us live with normal faith. This type of faith enables us to work with the Father in finding good solutions to handle our stress. With normal faith, we can analyze and better understand what’s going on in our situation.
Amazing Faith: The Centurion’s son was dying. As Jesus set out for his house, the Centurion said, “My house is far away. You don’t need to go all that way. Just speak the word from here and now, and I know he’ll be well.”
Jesus said, “That’s amazing faith! I have not found this type of faith even in Israel!”
The more faith that we have, the easier it is to handle our stresses.
- RECOGNIZING THE WORRY PROCESS MAY HELP US UNDERSTAND HOW WE WORRY AND THUS REDUCE OUR STRESS.
What I call the “worry PROCESS” works like this.
First, our alert system registers that something is going wrong. This is often called “fight or flight.”
Second, our brain tells us that we are fixing the problem. So, we work on it.
Third, our brain tells us that the problem is fixed. All is well.
For some people, that process works well. Unfortunately, we can become stuck at any point.
Personally, I get stuck on all three. My alert system is overactive. Try as I might to fix things, I find little relief. I never reach the time when I can say, “All is well.”
Unfortunately, because of my genetic makeup, and also because of the habits I’ve developed, I’ve never handled stress very well. I live with a knot in my gut that never goes away, that tells me that something bad is about to happen.
In other words, worry and anxiety occur more naturally to some people than to others.
But knowing how these three parts of the process work together, I can get a rational head start on handling my stress. I have a chance to control my worry and consciously choose faith.
- PRACTICE LIVING DAILY IN THE PRESENT SO THAT YOU CAN ENJOY THE ABUNDANT LIFE THAT JESUS PROMISED AND STOP WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT TOMORROW.
Living in the present is one of the best tools we have for overcoming our stress.
Jesus said: The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and life more abundantly. (Matthew 10:10)
Please notice the context. What does Satan come to steal, kill and destroy? Our abundant life!
We can only enjoy abundant life in the present.
We may say “Well, last week I enjoyed some abundant living.” Yes, but when we experienced it last week, we experienced it in the present. The same goes for the future. We may say, “Well, one day in the future I’ll experience more abundant life.” Yes, but when that future day comes, it will be your present.
What if Satan can keep us bound up in regrets, hurts, anger, humiliations, and ruminations about failures and losses in the past?
Would not that ruin our abundant life?
What if Satan can keep us filled with anxiety, worry and fears for the future?
Would not that ruin our abundant life?
Satan is out to steal, kill, and destroy our abundant life. We overcome his attacks by keeping our thinking in the present.
- LET’S MEDITATE ON JESUS’ SUMMATION OF HIS SERMON ON HOW TO HANDLE STRESS AS RECORDED IN MATTHEW 6:25-34.
I enjoyed Jesus’ teaching about God providing clothes and caring for the birds and the flowers. But I enjoy most Jesus ending His sermon with a simple and easy to remember statement that summarizes His advice on handling stress.
When you struggle with stress, memorize the following verse, and use it often:
Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
Well Andy,
I hope you can use these tools to dramatically reduce your stress when needed.
Love, Roger
You probably already have some regrets.
Not only as a leader, but as a husband, dad and friend too. Leadership is so complicated that sometimes it’s hard to know what to focus on. Add a global crisis into the mix and it’s even more confusing.
So why is it that so many of us keep making mistakes at work and at home?
It’s easy to blame your crushing workload, the people around you, circumstances or just about anything that moves.
But if you look for common threads, you’ll often discover the problem was not in the situation, it was in how you responded to it.
Put another way, it was who you were when the hammer dropped.
But you can also look back on other situations and see you handled things well. That you really have no regrets.
Challenges come and challenges go in life and leadership. The difference between great leaders and poor leaders is often how their character responds to crisis.
Great leaders adopt practices, attitudes and postures that lead to much fewer regrets. And they make strategic investments and decisions along the way that other leaders don’t.
In the midst of it all, there are some things you do can do as a leader that you’ll just never regret.
While I haven’t gotten every situation right in leadership (far from it), I took some time to make a list of 21 things I’ve never regretted doing as a leader. My guess is when you’ve done them, you’ve never regretted them either.
And if you and I keep doing them, we’ll have far fewer regrets moving forward.
1. THROWING YOUR HEART INTO WHATEVER YOU DO
I’m increasingly convinced that a white-hot sense of passion is one ingredient in churches and other organizations that are doing an outstanding job these days.
Far too many leaders are phoning it in. If that’s you, hang up.
Fully engaging the task before you with all your heart is one of the best shots you’ve got at making an impact.
2. TAKING THE HIGH ROAD
It’s easy to get pulled down into mud…arguing, jostling and getting caught up in cheap accusations that lead nowhere good.
Don’t.
Take the high road.
You know what that is.
Be kind. Don’t fight back. Prepare to be misunderstood. Forgive. Show grace.
The high road isn’t the easy road, but it’s the best road.
You simply never regret taking it.
3. SAYING YOU’RE SORRY
It’s easy to apologize when you’re new or just starting out. Everyone expects you to make mistakes.
It’s harder when you’re the leader.
It’s hardest when you’re a successful leader who’s been leading a long time.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re above reproach. You’re not.
In fact, I think the leader should be the FIRST to apologize (I outlined why and how to apologize well here).
So apologize.
4. PRAYING FOR YOUR TEAM
You will never regret praying for your team.
Pray for them by name. Ask them what specifically you can pray for.
A leader who prays for his team is a leader worth following.
5. PUSHING THROUGH YOUR FEARS
It’s not that great leaders have no fears. Pathological people may have no fears, but otherwise we pretty much all face them.
Great leaders push through their fears.
6. SMILING MORE
You’ll never regret smiling more.
I know I look grumpy unless I remind myself to smile. I’m actually not grumpy most of the time…I just look that way.
So smile.
By the way, being on video and even Zoom calls every day will remind you of how the world experiences you. Smile.
7. SAYING AN ENCOURAGING WORD
Very few people I know would say they are over-encouraged.
Okay, no one I know has ever told me they’ve exceeded their lifetime dose of encouragement.
Encouragement costs you nothing as a leader but it means everything to the person you’re encouraging.
Think about that.
8. SAYING THANK YOU
Ditto with thank you.
When a leader starts acting entitled, followers lose heart.
Treat everyone—including staff—like they were volunteers. Thank them regularly and sincerely.
Even your staff have other options. They can quit. And if you fail to show gratitude, they will.
9. HELPING SOMEONE WHO CAN’T HELP YOU BACK
Leadership ushers in responsibilities, but it also brings some perks.
At some point you might command a slightly higher salary than others, have access to expense account others don’t, or even have more control over your time.
Don’t use the perks of leadership solely for your benefit. Help someone who can’t help you back.
Buy them something. Be generous with your time. Open your home. Give them access to something or someone they couldn’t gain access to without you.
Can they pay you back? No, they can’t.
And that’s the point.
Hint: the sooner you start this practice (even when you think you don’t have much), the better.
10. FINDING A FEW GREAT MENTORS
Leadership can be a lonely journey, but it doesn’t have to be.
Finding mentors is something no leader regrets.
I look for leaders who are a stage ahead in life who are the kind of people I want to be.
11. DEVELOPING SOME REPLENISHING RELATIONSHIPS
Ministry can be draining. So can leadership.
You give all day and often go home exhausted.
Often, people will seek you out in your off time asking for ‘just a little more’.
My wife and I realized years ago that we need to have some friends who truly replenish us…the kind of relationships where time passes quickly and you leave feeling better than when you came.
12. DECIDING AHEAD OF TIME WHAT YOUR PRIORITIES WILL BE
I am amazed at how often I have to re-establish priorities in leadership.
Deciding ahead of time what you will do and not do, when you will be off and when you will work, whom you will meet with and who you won’t, will help you keep first things first.
If you don’t do this, you will never have enough time and always be disappointed with the results you’re getting.
13. ADOPTING A FIXED SCHEDULE
One of the best leadership moves I made was moving to a fixed schedule.
What I mean by that is I follow the same rhythm to my work every week with very few exceptions. I pre-determine writing time, meeting days and more.
An open schedule is a guarantee you’ll spend your time on everyone else’s priorities, not yours.
If you’re looking for ways to save time and a little more on adopting a fixed schedule, this post can help.
14. DISCOVERING WHAT FUELS AND DRAINS YOU
Ever wonder why some days you go home feeling excited and other days you go home exhausted—and yet you worked the same number of hours?
Some activities drain you and others fuel you.
Figuring out which does what can change the effectiveness of your leadership so much.
Great leaders will spend more and more time on the things that energize them and less on the things that drain them. It’s that simple.
15. INVESTING IN YOUR PERSONAL LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT
You can think of conferences, coaching, books, courses and development programs as expenses, or as investments.
If you think of them as investments, you will become a far better leader.
The best leaders never hesitate to invest in their personal development.
Becoming better at life and leadership is never an expense, it’s an investment.
16. TAKING MEANINGFUL VACATIONS
Even when my wife and I were starting out and we had no money, we found money to take even a simple annual vacation.
It’s one of the best investments we’ve made over the years.
I say meaningful vacations because you’ll be tempted to cheat.
You’ll be tempted to say “3 days is enough”. No it’s not.
You’ll be tempted to say “We can just stay home and relax.” And maybe you can. But I just want to catch up on household projects when I do.
Taking a meaningful vacation doesn’t mean you have to drop thousands on Europe, but it does mean you need to rest and recharge. In this post, I wrote about why driven people (like me) generally suck at vacation.
17. DEVELOPING A HOBBY YOU LOVE
I could almost be a ‘work is my hobby’ guy. Maybe you could be too.
I love what I do and even writing this blog and doing my leadership podcast were once “hobbies” that morphed into what I do full time. Work just doesn’t feel like work to me most days.
But I also realize I need interests outside of ministry and leadership. At least if I’m going to stay healthy and balanced.
It took me a bunch of false starts, but I’ve eventually settled on cycling, boating and BBQing as hobbies (I’m a Big Green Egg enthusiast).
Despite what you think, you need a hobby.
18. BECOMING AN EARLY RISER
While there’s still a debate about whether early risers really do get the worm, I’m sold on getting up early.
I think you’ll never regret becoming an early riser because you simply get 1-3 hours to accomplish things when no one is texting you, bothering you or slamming your inbox.
Guess when I write this blog?
I think one of the keys to success is simply beating the patterns most other people follow. For me, getting up at 5 or 5:30 a.m. gives me (and you) a 2-3 hour advantage over almost everyone—and everything—else.
Try it.
19. GETTING TO BED ON TIME
I am also a sleep evangelist. Having cheated sleep through my 20s and 30s, I repented.
I try to get as close to 8 hours of sleep I can every night. I really believe sleep is a secret leadership weapon.
There’s evidence that people who are sleep deprived operate with a similar impairment level to people who drink too much.
Leaders who are rested always bring more to the table than leaders who are tired.
The sleep experiments I outline in Point 1 of this post have become a permanent part of my life (and I highly recommend them).
20. EATING BETTER
Diet can have a tremendous impact on mental clarity, alertness and even your quality of sleep.
Sugar and carb crashes happen to far too many leaders.
Cutting down on sugar and carbs has helped me not only lose weight, but feel much better throughout the day.
21. WORKING OUT
For years I resisted working out, but in the last fifteen years, I’ve taken exercise much more seriously.
It’s still a discipline, but finding something I love (like cycling) has really helped.
And most of the productive leaders I know take their health and working out at least somewhat seriously.
Don’t imagine that age leads to an automatic decline. At present in my mid-fifties I’m setting or tying personal bests for cycling I set in my forties and trying new things like running and waterskiing.
Most people stop doing things as they age. But getting older can just as easily be an excuse to start doing things.
BONUS: CARVING OUT A DAILY TIME WITH GOD
Why is that the first thing to go in the lives of many Christians is our time with God?
Anchoring myself in scripture and prayer at the beginning of every day is a discipline I’ve never regretted.
You lead better when you hear from God.
www.careynieuwhof.com
The 3 P’s: Presence, Prayer, Practical Help are just the few ways you can be there for others. But more important than coming up with the 3 p’s for a sermon is to go do them for a friend who is in hard circumstances. The choice to be there when being there is hard is not easy, but a beautiful choice—the kind of choice a true friend makes.
www.chaseoaks.org.
When leading through uncertainty, you must display your humanity. You have to be vulnerable, transparent, real. The people who are looking to you need to experience your empathy because they will trust you enough to be open to your influence, and to follow you into the unknown.
www.northpoint.org.
- How do I deal with the loneliness of social distancing and home quarantine? First, look at your loneliness—look at it differently. Take the time you now have on your hands to have more thinker moments, where you just switch off to the external and let your mind wander and daydream. These moments give the brain a rest and allow it to reboot and heal, which increases your clarity of mind and ability to deal with a tough situation (which we all need right now!) So, be intentional about creating “thinker” breaks throughout your day by taking a few moments every day, or when you are feeling alone, to switch off and just daydream or meditate on Scripture.
You can also use this time as a chance to build and repair relationships by talking on the phone rather than just texting, spending time healing from “hurry sickness”, observing the world around you again, and become a good listener—we are all going through stuff, so take the time to call someone or connect. Just listen and support them, and be there for them. A massive cure for loneliness is to get over yourself and reaching out in love. This not only helps you feel less lonely, but it also increases your chance of healing.
- How do I “turn my brain off” at night from worrying so I can sleep?The quality and quantity of your sleep is largely affected by your state of mind, so mind management is critical if you want to sleep well at night. Anxiety causes high beta activity, but anxiety always has a cause, so take the time to find the cause and you will help yourself switch into sleep mode at night. Embrace, process and re-conceptualize your thoughts!
During the course of the day, you need to self-regulate your thinking and choosing during the course of the day. Chaotic and toxic thoughts need to be embraced, acknowledged, isolated and compartmentalized in order to be processed and re-conceptualized in a healthy fashion—they should never be ignored or suppressed. You can do this proactively by getting into a regular 7-15-minute mind detox routine. Just 7-15 minutes a day of quieting your mind can improve your sleeping patterns because you are cleaning up the mental mess in your head and getting your mind right before bed, which helps your brain and body regenerate at night. Confession of sin and praise will help you greatly.
Do not allow yourself to lie in bed panicking about not sleeping. Instead, get excited and embrace the fact you are awake. Think that “this is going to be a nice, quiet time, where I am not bugged by texts, emails or people needing something. Think of something fulfilling you CAN accomplish. This excitement lowers your cortisol levels, balances the HPA axis (the “stress axis”) and makes stress work for you and not against you, activating your resilience and changing your genes in a good way. So, when you can’t sleep, develop a positive expectation mindset that this is a special time just for you, and you will use it wisely. This will help you get your panic under control and improve your health. A negative expectation mindset, however, is just going to damage your brain and make you feel worse—it’s not worth it! See my book Think, Learn, Succeed for more on this.
- I’m struggling to sleeping and to concentrate. How do I find peace while expressing my feelings? I cannot say this enough: thoughts are real things with information and emotions, and if you try to suppress them or shove them “under the rug”, they will explode, and can damage your mental and physical health—including your ability to sleep and concentrate. These thoughts will come As I said above, you need to acknowledge how you feel and reconceptualize it: see it from another angle or perspective. You can only redesign your thoughts when you have acknowledged them!
- How do I talk to my children about the situation without scaring them, while making sure they are taking the right precautions like washing hands? I don’t believe in pussyfooting around issues with children – they are smart and can read your body language. Remember, 50% of communication is non-verbal, and your children know when you are anxious or sad. Children between the ages of 2 to 10/11 don’t really have the language to express themselves either, so if you don’t help them express and process the anxiety they have picked up from you or others, they can embed it as toxic stress in their bodies—the more traumatized you become, the more they will become.
I know that talking to them places huge responsibility on us as parents and guardians, and we definitely need to speak to them in the right way, but hey, that’s what we signed up for! So, my advice, based on 25 years of clinical practice and having four children of my own, is to be honest. Explain what is going on at the level they are at, giving them just enough information (don’t go overboard) and tell them the adults are working on this. It may be a good idea to show them pictures of the virus, giving analogies that are age-appropriate. For example, “this virus is like a dangerous animal. You keep away from those as much as possible, and with the virus we have do that by washing our hands and staying indoors till they ‘catch it.’”
- How do we deal with and help with anxiety and angry outbursts from kids?Outbursts come from frustration, which comes from a lack of understanding and fear, so calm your children down by explaining what is going on, like I mentioned above. But it is also important to remember that we are stuck together for longer than usual and this situation is new for everyone, so it is inevitable that we will get frustrated with each other.
I recommend having different “spaces” in your home to deal with frustration and all the other emotions our children are dealing with right now—don’t be frightened or irriatted. This is actually a blessing in disguise because you have a great opportunity to teach your kids to learn how to process through the issues in their life, a skill they will carry into adulthood! Allocate an area of your kitchen, for example, where your children can express their frustration in a safe and non-judgmental space. You may not always like what you hear, but you may need to hear it to help them. Set some basic rules, like no-one is allowed to physically touch anyone else in that space, no-one hurts anyone or calls anyone bad names there. When they come out that space, and when they are ready, hug them and tell them you love them. This will calm them down and is great for the mental health.
Remember, God is in control. He will give you strength and wisdom for every situation you face!
What are our sources of fear? From where do they originate? Past hurts can lead to present fear. Any traumatic event-a painful divorce, a car accident, a debilitating illness can cause us to fear what’s ahead. The hurt we experienced must be properly dealt with before the fear will subside. Lies from Satan and our own self-talk can immobilize us. Satan is called the father of lies (John 8:44), which implies that he tells a lot of them, and he’s good at it. Often, his lies are intended to make us fearful. For example, you will read an article in the newspaper about teenage drug abuse and Satan will suggest, “Your kid will become part of the drug culture.” Lies can often be self-inflicted. Our minds will wander aimlessly, inadvertently attach to a random thought and embrace and embellish it. Perhaps you live with the nagging thought that you will never amount to anything. You live with the fear of failure every day. We can also fear the unusual and the unknown. Perhaps the disciples were feeling anxious about the unknown when Jesus announced that after three years of being together, He was going to leave them. Anxious thoughts no doubt raced through their hearts: “What are we going to do after Jesus leaves? Just fish and collect taxes again?” Jesus, sensing their anxiety, said to them, “Do not let your hearts by troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me.” John 14:1.
So how do we gain victory over fear? Here are a few simple suggestions. The mental dimension of fear is ministered to by truth. (John 8:32). The emotional dimension of fear is ministered to by perfect love. ((1 John 4:18). The volitional dimension of fear is ministered to by faith (Luke 8:25). John 8:32 says that the truth will set us free. When our fear is based on lies, truth will help bring relief. 1 John 4:18 teaches that “Perfect love casts out all fear.” Perfect love can be expressed by a reassuring presence from a loved one, a concerted effort to write, call or visit the person on a regular basis. Don’t leave them out in the cold. Perfect love is expressed by caring involvement. Helping the person to drive again after they have been in a car accident, being trustworthy for a friend who has been betrayed, listening to them as they process their fearful emotions are ways to show “perfect love.” As we look through the future, we can view it through the lens of fear or the lens of faith. Just as fear is future-oriented (we do not fear the past), faith is future-oriented. God promises, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…your Heavenly Father knows what you need…But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:25,32-33.
Never face your fears alone. Jesus is there to meet you in the midst of your fear. God wants us to bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and that includes sharing and bearing the fears and anxieties of those who are paralyzed by fear. Wouldn’t it be profitable to share with someone who loves you, all the fears and anxieties with which you struggle, and to be able to do that on a regular basis? This is God’s design and will!
Dear Roger,
This Coronavirus is so frightening. People seem to be losing their minds and I wonder if it could be detrimental to not only our health but our faith. Does it have anything to do with End Times?
Sincerely, Les
I’m so glad you asked, Les!
Whether or not the coronavirus signals the beginning of the end times, or not, I don’t know. However, as I examine it closely, the spreading coronavirus is certainly a foreshadowing of the plagues of the book of Revelation. As such, we can learn a lot.
Whether or not the coronavirus is more virulent than the flu, or not, the fact that it is spreading so rapidly is a deep cause for concern. The young ones may sicken and be miserable; on the other hand, those over 60 and those with respiratory illnesses are far more likely to die. Therefore, arresting the spread is of critical importance.
As I stated in my earlier article, the sweeping Spanish flu killed over 100 million people in Europe and the United States from 1918 to 1920. Each flu season we know that we must inoculate people against a different strain of flu than the year before. Why? Because the flu mutates and changes each year. Some viruses burn themselves out-like Ebola. Others, like the Spanish flu, can mutate and become worse over time. We have yet to see which direction the coronavirus might take.
GLOBAL PANIC IS ALMOST MORE DANGEROUS THAN THE DISEASE
In fact, the response to this crisis is almost supernatural. Countries all over the world have closed their borders. President Trump along with countless world leaders declared nationwide emergencies and quarantines unprecedented around our globe.
By now every nation in the world is reporting coronavirus infestations.
The world economy is at risk as trade is compromised, workers stay home, essential supplies like pharmaceuticals run short because of interrupted production; foodstuffs grind to a halt and stock markets struggle worldwide for balance.
If what I have written sounds a little bit “over-the-top”, and negative, please note that everything I’ve said is occurring today in one part of the world or another.
Put all these things together with our global hourly news cycle producing updates about plagues, natural disasters, governmental coups, and economic viability and including a world full of wars, it’s easy to think the last days are here!
Hopefully, everything will quiet down and return to some sort of “normal.” Hopefully, our world will learn some lessons that make it a better and more peaceful place to live.
IS THE CORONAVIRUS A FORESHADOWING OF REVELATION EVENTS?
Seldom, if ever, has our earth faced a global crisis like the current worldwide spreading of the coronavirus. In like manner, the coming of the Antichrist during the end times will precipitate a worldwide crisis.
“The whole world was astonished and followed the beast. . . . All inhabitants of the earth will worship the beast – all whose names have not been written in the book of life belonging to the Lamb that was slain from the creation of the world.” (Revelation 13:3-8)
I recently told a friend, “From what I can tell, the coronavirus is not that big of a deal.” Now a few weeks later, hundreds of thousands are infected and the virus is spread across the globe. It all happened so quickly.
Watching the advancement of the coronavirus is like watching and hearing Jesus describe the “End Times” as being like “Birth Pains.” Just as labor pains grow stronger and closer together, God will allow an escalation in trials of all kinds to bring men to Christ. In fact, the purpose of the Tribulation itself is to bring pressure for men to surrender to Jesus and find salvation. Jesus describes End Time events in Matthew 24; Mark 13 and Luke 21.
“You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.” (Matthew 24:6-8)
The coronavirus’ fear level is increasing daily – especially among the elderly and infirm. However the coronavirus may, or may not, fit into God’s plan, it certainly foreshadows the terrors that will occur on earth during the tribulation.
“But after the three and a half days the breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them.” (Revelation 11:11)
Food shortages are occurring in various places. The unknown is scary; so many are beginning to hoard in anticipation of long-term shortages. What we are seeing with the coronavirus foreshadows the soaring costs for basic essentials on the black market during the End Times of the times of the Great Tribulation.
“A court quart of wheat for a day’s wages and three quarts of barley for a day’s wages, and do not damage the oil and the wine!” (Revelation 6:6)
That verse is rather enigmatic, so let me make it simple. This verse is like saying, “A luxurious roll of six ply toilet paper for $1,000 or three rolls of plain paper for $1,000.”
Coronavirus portends the four Horsemen of Revelation 6:1-14: the white horse of conquest; the red horse of war; the black course of famine; and the pale horse of death!
Coronavirus may very well foreshadow a potential worldwide economic collapse because of the ensuing panic and incredible debt loads incurred by most all nations. The October 1929 stock market crash was the beginning and not the end of the deep depression. I
“Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the great! . . . The kings of the earth committed adultery with her, and the merchants of the earth grew rich from her excessive luxuries. . . . In one hour she has been brought to ruin.”
“Babylon” is difficult to identify precisely; however, it is obviously a symbol for the economic center of the kingdom of the Antichrist.
Of course, it’s unthinkable to fail to mention the personal and economic costs foreshadowed during the end times by the present coronavirus. Think of the economic sanctions of the mark of the beast!
“He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead. So that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666.” (Revelation 13:16-18)
Coronavirus foreshadows the dastardly viruses that torment those who refuse to repent, change their ways, and surrender to Christ as their Lord and Savior.
“Out of the smoke locusts came down upon the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. . . . They were not given power to kill them but only to torture them for five months. And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion when it strikes a man.” (Revelation 9:3-4)
DID GOD SEND THE CORONAVIRUS?
People often ask me, “Did God send the coronavirus?” I really don’t think so. However, I do believe that one day he will send multiple plagues at the second coming of Christ!
As we study the Word of God we see that he often sent plague and pestilence to deal with his own people.
It’s no stretch of the imagination to believe that he will send the same sort of plagues today upon a world that wallows in sin and ultimately rejects him as Lord and Savior.
HOW DO WE FIND PEACE AND PROTECTION IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM?
The psalmist wrote Psalm 103:2-3: “Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits, who forgives all your sins and heals your diseases.”
Wash your hands really well. But also wash your hearts!
Get your life right with Christ by receiving Him and your Savior and Lord.
“And now—all glory to him who alone is God, who saves us through Jesus Christ our Lord; yes, splendor and majesty, all power and authority are his from the beginning; his they are and his they evermore shall be. And he is able to keep you from slipping and falling away, and to bring you, sinless and perfect, into his glorious presence with mighty shouts of everlasting joy.”
Saturate Your Mind With Biblical Promises Of Comfort And Care.
“Let the peace of heart that comes from Christ be always present in your hearts and lives, for this is your responsibility and privilege as members of his body. And always be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15-16)
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9)
“ But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:26-27)
Stop worrying; start praying; thank God for his answers
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6)
Focus on Heaven, not on earth. Don’t camp on social media hysteria. God is not surprised by these events and they are not out of His control. After all, heaven our real home for eternity.
By faith he made his home in the Promised Land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
Ask God for wisdom to help you know what to do during times of crisis.
“Consider it. Joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. . . . If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:2-5)
Join with others in praying Solomon’s classic prayer for Israel and make your prayer applicable to the United States as well as to the entire world. This prayer is still effective today.
“If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14)
Well Les, I hope these thoughts are helpful and that God gives to you and others great grace.
Love, Roger
Our emotional lives are driven by what we think. There is plenty of scripture instructing us how to think –taking captive every thought out of obedience to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Many times in scripture, we are reminded our head has to be in alignment with God’s intentions for our lives.
If you want to have freedom from hijacked emotions, then it’s important to understand a secret in these five bold moves that are important for your emotional life.
- Decide who is in charge of your emotions.
As Christians, it’s important to understand anger, fear, guilt and other negative emotions are common to humanity. We all experience them, but we can only be truly free from hijacked emotions if we are willing to ask who is in charge of our emotions, and then make the decision to be in charge of them.
Your emotions are a choice. You can decide what emotions to have. When emotions occur, you can decide to change them. The first step to freedom from hijacked emotions is to decide who is in charge of your emotions.
- Declare who is in charge of your emotions.
If you really wrestle with managing your emotions, declare who is in charge of your emotions. It’s important to hear yourself say aloud, “God, I choose today, with your help, to take ownership for what I’m feeling. It is not anyone else’s fault. Whatever I choose to feel today, I’m declaring ownership of it. I am responsible for it.”
The Bible says, Whatever things are true, whatever things are right, whatever things are admirable, whatever things are of good report to think on those things (Philippians 4:8).
- Develop a plan.
If you have an emotional challenge and you know your emotions sometimes get hijacked, have a plan.
- Declutter your emotions.
Our emotions can become cluttered with so much stuff, carrying all these feelings around. We become raw, and it’s easy for us to see that these emotions start to overtake our lives.
Hijacked emotions begin like emotional ooze. As you shove all your feelings inside, that emotional ooze starts to come out, and eventually, it will explode. If you have buried emotions, it’s vital to deal with them, otherwise they can become destructive.
- Act on it.
Do something. Ask yourself, “What one thing could I do with my emotional life over the next 30 days that would make the single biggest difference in my relationships, marriage or health.
If you are at the extreme end of bearing your emotions, I really encourage you to begin to make these five bold moves toward freedom from hijacked emotions today.
As adults, many of us struggle with emotions today because we grew up in homes where we did not learn how to deal with our emotions. We were not taught how to express them. We did not learn how to manage them. We did not know how to handle life when our emotions were hijacked. When you were feeling something, you may have been told to be quiet, go to your room or maybe in some other way encouraged to shut down whatever you were experiencing at that moment.
God’s intention is not only for us to know how we feel, but also to understand how we are thinking, and to be able to take that and move it in a direction that could be transformational in our lives.
Here are three things to do to help you develop a plan to declutter your emotional life.
- Identify your emotional triggers.
What are the things that can set you off emotionally? Here are emotional triggers others have identified:
- People make an appointment with you but don’t show up.
- A lack of common sense.
- Things you don’t have control over.
We live in a world where we focus on things we have no control over instead of focusing on the things we do have control over.
- Become aware of your emotions.
Can you label what you feel? Do you know the range of emotions that you experience? Emotions are given to us to drive change in our lives. I believe that is what Paul is saying – Be angry; do something, but don’t be sinful in the process (Ephesians 4:26 paraphrase).
What happens to many of us, especially those of us who tend to live more in our heads, we tend to take the range of potential emotions we are experiencing and label them under one emotion, like frustration or anger. For some of us, it’s not acceptable for us to say, “I’m really fearful or anxious,” so we become angry instead. So, it’s important in a healthy way, to be able to identify our feelings and then develop a way to take that emotional fuel and drive change in our lives.
- Change your thinking.
Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (NKJV). And if you and I continue to think in ways that our emotions are driving us to think, that is how we will become. As you bring your thinking into alignment with God’s intention to know how we feel, and understand how you’re thinking, He will help you experience His transformational power in your life.
www.theintentonallife.com. Used by permission of the author.
Drs. Chet Weld and Roger Barrier discuss emotional healing and practical helps for coping.
Dr. Chet Weld continues the discussion of identifying and healing hurts. If we bury emotions, we bury them alive and they will always surface in destructive ways that sabotage our relationships. He provides helpful tools for handling our pain.
Christian psychologist Dr. Chet Weld discusses six primary drivers that skew our self-image and lead to faulty thinking.
Regarding health, get the facts, understand the layers of health care, explore treatment options, seek wise spiritual counsel and take a personal inventory. Team up with family and friends, support groups and mentors, clergy and prayer partners, doctors, pharmacists, mental health professionals, dietitians and alternative health care providers
“Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. And Elkenah, her husband, said to her, ‘Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” -1 Samuel 1:7b-8
We’ve all walked through darkness and we’ve all walked with others in the midst of darkness. Since we have all been in the place of those who have struggled with discouragement and even depression, why are so few people effective in caring for others in the midst of discouragement?
In 1 Samuel 1 we meet a women whose heart is broken. As was common in the ancient world, she placed her hope and value in her children, but she was childless. Enter her well-meaning, but clumsy husband. His care starts off in good form: “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad.” Excellent! But then Elkenah’s well-intentioned encouragement goes off the rails, “Am I not more to you than ten sons?” Face meet palm.
Hannah finds herself in the temple at Shilloh, and is pouring out her heart in prayer to God, weeping “bitterly” as she prays silently. Enter Eli, the clueless priest. He approaches this weeping woman and accuses her of being drunk. Facepalm.
Let’s not be Elkenah and Eli when we are with those who are discouraged. Here are three ways we can mess up care and two ways to care well.
Here is how to care cluelessly:
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Over-talk: Elkenah peppered Hannah with questions. Eli spoke too quickly.
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Make it about you: Elkenah made Hannah’s discouragement over not having a son about her relationship with him.
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Presume: Eli may well have had other drunk worshipers at his temple. His own sons probably got drunk in the temple frequently. But don’t presume that what you have observed before is going on with the person in front of you. Don’t write your story over theirs.
Here is how to care well:
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Embrace silence: one of the most effective methods of care is to be present silently with someone who is suffering. If Elkenah or Eli would have put their hand on Hannah’s shoulder and silently prayed with her, they would have been much better caretakers.
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Make it about them: Elkenah’s question “why is your heart sad?” is a good one. Probe. Allow space. And listen.
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Pray: Eli does a 180 when he realizes he has misjudged Hannah and he prays encouragement over Hannah, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.”
How do we stay emotionally and physically healthy with toxic people around us? Dr. Caroline Leaf writes:
“Let’s face it: people can be too much at times. In fact, occasionally things will get so toxic that a deserted cabin in the middle of the wilderness can sound quite appealing!
We cannot run from the ugly side of humanity. Every day we can potentially face a toxic experience in one form or another, whether this is an email, text message, conversation, meeting and so on. We need to learn how to deal with such situations, not run from them. As I am sure you know, toxic people can be upsetting and mess with our emotions and mental health, so the sooner we learn to manage the way other people choose to react, the better off we will be (both mentally and physically).
Even friends and family can unknowingly, or knowingly, create toxic environments! Yet, as Warren Buffet wisely says,
“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.”
This quote has helped me so much, so I wanted to share it with you and give you some tips that I have developed that have really helped me and others learn how to manage toxic situations.
First, you need to realize that you can’t control what another person chooses to think and say, but you can control your emotional reactions to them, as I discuss in my books Switch on Your Brain and Think, Learn, Succeed. If you choose to give people power over you by continually ruminating over what they said or did, you will to continue to suffer, damaging your brain and mental health in the process. And, if you have developed a pattern of overreacting and being too sensitive (for more on overcoming this see my recent blog post), you can get stuck in a toxic reaction cycle that will directly affect the quality of your mental life.
You need to stop and ask yourself “what kind of person am I becoming?”. Are you developing a victim mentality? Do you want to keep suffering like this? Are you becoming overly self-involved and inward-focused? As Buffet said, true power is restraint. This is key in managing toxic situations: most people are way too reactive and do not develop their self-restraint and self-regulation; living this way makes them miserable!
This type of restraint particularly applies to your thought life. You may be thinking something about someone’s motives, but it is not necessarily true. It is important to remember that assumptions are, by and large, the mother of all mess-ups! You can never truly know what another person is thinking, even if you know that person well.
Restraint also means taking a step back and observing a situation logically, as Buffet says. It means reminding yourself that you have control—you aren’t under someone’s power unless you allow it. Indeed, you can’t be offended unless you take offense!
If you let your toxic emotions grow unchecked by constantly thinking about them and ruminating on your feelings, you will feel worse because the resultant neurochemical chaos will cause brain damage and dramatically affect your mental and physical wellbeing. Do you really want to give people that much power over your life? Remember, “if words control you, then everyone can control you”!
You need to be honest with yourself: are you letting other people control you? Are you walking around hurt and upset? Do you constantly see yourself as a victim? Is everyone always attacking you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it may be time to shift your thinking!
When you are faced with a toxic person or situation, the best thing you can do is STOP, allow some time to pass, and do a 5-step “mental autopsy”. This has really helped me learn how not to react to toxic people or situations, and can help you too:
1. Practice breathing in and out deeply to control your cortisol and adrenalin levels (which are good but can cause havoc when they flood the brain and body) and calm your HPA axis. This, in turn, will help you get clarity of thought and defog your mind. For example, say you were just sent a really nasty email from a colleague. Don’t respond in a reactive way! Stop, breathe in for 3 counts, and breathe out for 3 counts. This will dissipate excess cortisol and help your mind clear and your emotions stabilize.
2. Recognize and name your reaction. For instance, using the email example above, describe how you feel out loud: “I feel hurt, attacked, defensive…” and ask yourself why. Observe your thinking, and have a discussion with yourself.
Writing down your thoughts can also help you manage and examine your thoughts and emotions. Don’t do this for too long, just a few moments—the purpose of this exercise is to help you name your emotions, such as “I feel hurt because I…”. Writing down your emotions and naming or putting your feelings down on paper can help bring fluency and clarity to your thinking and reduce the overwhelming effect of your emotions.
My new app Switch is a great tool for helping you go through this process. It is based on my 5-step program, which is designed to help you identify and eliminate the root of your toxic reactions, and help you build a healthy new thinking habits through the mental process of reconceptualization.
3. Next, I want you to intentionally and deliberately separate the toxic emotions behind your thoughts and words and the logic of the situation apart. Visualize this: imagine a scary, ugly, toxic tree with all your negative emotions and attitudes. Imagine ripping the emotions off this tree, and seeing the well-defined branches with all the information of the situation hanging on the tree in a clear and clinical way, which will give you insight into what to do next. You are essentially imagining taking the threat of the turbulent emotions away from the thought “tree”.
4. Now, focus on the content and words of this tree, which will help you see the actual problem or issue that was previously blocked by your toxic emotions. When you try see things through a veil of emotions, it is like trying to drive through a storm with no windscreen wipers–you can’t see properly and can end up in some serious trouble!
So, using the email example above, when you mentally divorce yourself from your immediate emotional reaction, you can perhaps see that the person who sent the email is frustrated because of “so and so…”, and, putting yourself in their shoes, you can choose to see if there was something you can learn from the situation in order to improve your communication with this person and so on. By doing this, you can transform a potentially explosive situation into a productive learning experience!
The key is to focus on the logic of the situation, which is separated from your emotions and feelings.
5. This brings me to step 5: work out a solution in order to progress forward in a way that can transform the toxic experience into a good “ahah!’ moment.
Once again, using the email example above, you can respond in a composed and logical manner to your colleague, and set up a call or in-person meeting to calmly discuss the situation and improve your future communication, even if you don’t agree on something. This kind of reaction can not only improve your relationship, but also your productivity!
We can’t just focus on our feelings, even though it is important we acknowledge them. We need to find concrete solutions or come up with a plan of action, which is the only way we can truly move forward.
To sum it all up, we need to learn to be kind to ourselves and to others. It is so important that we control how we react and respond to people—this can mitigate relationship disasters and improve our own mental health.
Of course, this does not mean that we agree on everything, but we learn how sometimes it is okay to “agree to disagree”, and that sometimes we don’t know everything! Indeed, at the end of the day, you will never truly know what really motivates someone’s words or actions. You may be able to guess to a certain extent, but you will never get beyond a 70% accuracy rate, so stop yourself going down that dangerous road. Assumptions are often toxic: you can end up wasting a lot of your mental energy on things that do not contribute to your quality of life or your success. As the saying goes, ‘ain’t nobody got time for that!'”
www.drleaf.com. Used by permission.
“How easy is it for you to handle the stressors of life today? How hard are simple decisions?”
A few months back, Josh Reich, pastor at Revolution Church and author of Breathing Room, shared with a pastors’ group I recently started attending. He asked a series of questions that have served as a great mirror for me in the past few months to assess my health.
It’s a strange thing that it’s a difficult thing for us to assess our own emotional and spiritual health. We’re usually pretty aware when our physical health is off, whether it’s an upset stomach or a headache or a sore back. And yet, I suspect that you have those days where you really don’t know how well you are doing emotionally and spiritually.
In Matthew 11, Jesus casts a vision of what following him looks like. You’re probably familiar with the verses. Read Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase and ask yourself how much this resembles your life:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Isn’t that a beautiful vision of the Christian life? Are you living into Jesus’ “unforced rhythms of grace”? Can your life be characterized by its lightness?
For many seasons of my life, if I was honest, my life was best characterized by its heaviness. A grey fog hung over and distorted my perception of everything.
When that fog lingers for long enough it’s hard to even identify it is there. How light is your life? How clear is your emotional and spiritual vision?
In ReSet, David Murray reflects that ours is a “burnout culture”: a never-off, always accessible, fast-isn’t-fast-enough culture, and we are in desperate need of a cure.
Here is a list of questions Josh suggested (with a couple of my own mixed in) that you might consider asking to help evaluate your health:
· How hard is it to fall asleep? Do you need alcohol? TV? Pornography?
· How hard is it to get started in the morning?
· How fuzzy is your vision of your future?
· When was the last time you prayed?
· How many times have you been in the Word in the past week?
· When was the last time you laughed or had fun?
· How healthy has your diet been in the past week?
· How many times did you exercise last week?
· Are you playing?
I would encourage you to walk through those questions and provide honest answers to them. What I like about the questions is that they not only help me assess my health, they also help me to identify the areas in which I need to get my life in alignment.
When I’m honest, there are always at least a couple questions on that list that trigger a need for re-evaluation and correction. For me, to really make that correction stick, I need to make sure that I’m actually scheduling time for the activities that will lead to health. It’s fine and well to know that I need to get more exercise, but if I don’t put it into my calendar, it’s probably not going to happen.
We are creatures, not the Creator. In Murray’s words, “He is infinite, we are finite; he is unlimited, we are limited. Although none of us would say we are unlimited, most of us think we are less limited than we actually are.” At the heart of so much of our emotional and spiritual sickness is our refusal to admit our finitude and make substantive changes that acknowledge our need.
www.thebeehive.live. Used by permission.
In a world that is fast-paced, demanding, and stressful, in a society that demands quick fixes and easy solutions, it is difficult to take the time to just think.
I mean, what is the point of just thinking? Well, learning to be alone with our thoughts is actually quite important, especially when it comes to our mental and physical wellbeing! Adopting a thinker mindset is actually an important key for achieving meaningful success in school, work, and life!
We need downtime to function optimally. We need downtime for our brain to function optimally! To cope with the demands of life, our minds and brains need to internally “reboot,” which can only happen when we are alone with our thoughts, in these “thinker” moments which I also discuss in my new book, Think, Learn, Succeed.We literally need to switch off all external stimuli, giving our thoughts some quality “me time,” or your mind and brain will just not function at the level needed for success!
Contrary to popular belief, the mind does not grind to a halt when you are doing nothing. Spontaneous thought processes, including mind-wandering, creative thinking, and daydreaming, arise when thoughts are relatively free from focused thinking and external influences. When we take time to switch off to what’s going on around us and just think, we improve our ability to focus, which in turn increases creativity. When you get into these daydream modes, memory improves dramatically and it’s easier to learn new information and you increase your intelligence as a bonus!Without this natural thinking mode, we wouldn’t be able to reach those insights and inspirational highs that change our world. Like Isaac Newton, we should all spend more time sitting under trees and just thinking!
What are some ways you can learn to incorporate “thinker” moments into your life?
- Are cellphones and other devices stealing your “thinker” moments? Observe yourself for a several days, making note of how much you use technology. The average person spends up to eight hours a day using technology. Some of the worst effects of electronic devices seem to be mitigated when devices are used less than two hours a day. Find ways to limit your use of technology throughout the day.
- Thinker moments aren’t an odd quirk of the mind, but are natural and spontaneous. Allocate time, at least sixteen minutes a day (which can be spread across the day), to just think and allow your mind to wander.
- Thinker moments teach you how to live the examined life. When your mind wanders, think about what you are thinking about and your own experiences, perhaps writing about your thoughts in a journal or on a notepad.
Thinker moments are actually preventative against dementias because they enhance brain health! When you don’t feel like being a “thinker,” remember that these moments increase your brain health and your intelligence!
drleaf.com. Used by permission.
It’s no secret that opioid addiction has spread rampant throughout the United States. More often than not, addiction begins innocently, seemingly without provocation. Prescriptions are often written by primary care physicians to treat pain of all sorts, from bone breaking accidents to chronic pain management. While opiates are proven to subside pain, there are negative consequences to prolonged use and abuse. Leaving the individual subject to potential addiction, the risks can often outweigh the benefits.
Common opiates:
Hydrocodone
Oxycodone
Oxycontin
Meperidine
Morphine
Hydromorphone
Methadone
Codeine
Fentanyl
Heroin
According to ASAM “Drug overdose is the leading cause of accidental death in the US, with 52,404 lethal drug overdoses in 2015. Opioid addiction is driving this epidemic, with 20,101 overdose deaths related to prescription pain relievers, and 12,990 overdose deaths related to heroin in 2015. From 1999 to 2008, overdose death rates, sales and substance use disorder treatment admissions related to prescription pain relievers increased in parallel.” Statistical resources provide overwhelming evidence to support opiate epidemic in the U.S. Opiates are classified as narcotics and act as a depressant, affecting the central nervous system. Ignorance to the stronghold of these medications ultimately lead to dependence and abuse.
Brain
Opioid receptors are located all throughout the human brain. Neurotransmitters are responsible for producing communication between the brain and the body, such as opioid receptors. The functionality of these receptors are to act as action sites for pain reduction and induce pleasure responses. When these receptors fire off, dopamine floods the brain and can create a euphoric state. Opiates bind to specific receptors producing a similar effect to the natural chemicals that block out the perception of pain. Opiate produce an effect almost 1,000 times more potent than natural chemical produced in the body and naturally the brain and body adjusts to the new levels. This effect manifests the vulnerability to abuse and dependency. The brain seeks to mimic and replenish the effects that stimulate the pleasure sensories. Receptors become less sensitive to the influx of opiates and a tolerance is established, requiring more and more of the substance. Thus the cycle continues. Prolonged use of opiates and the stress on the brain can ultimately lead to addiction and sometimes overdose.
The Respiratory System
Opiates depress the central nervous system. This effect can cripple the respiratory system. Ingesting and injecting opiates can slow breathing and ultimately lead to respiratory distress or loss of consciousness. Snorting or smoking opiates can lead to an array of negative symptoms as well. Opiates can be tainted with unknown compounds. Consequently, abuse of opioids can lead to chronic sinus/upper respiratory infections, frequent nose bleeds, and sleep apnea. Over time, opiates can cause severe long term effects on the lungs such as pneumonia and even respiratory failure.
Liver
Alcohol/substance abuse, in general, sustains major risks factors in regards to the overall health of the liver. Most opioids contain acetaphetamine, which is known to cause damage due to levels of toxicity. Often times, addicts will combine alcohol or other substances with opiates which reduces the functionality of the liver to process these compounds. If injecting opiates, the addict runs the risk of inducing major liver damage. Synthetic opiates, such as heroin, are typically mixed with other undissolvable additives. The insolubility can block blood vessels, causing infection and even liver disease. Contracting Hepatitis C is also a major risk for the IV user.
Digestive System
Opiates are notorious for slowing and crippling bowel motility. (Motility is the ability of an organism to move freely using metabolic energy.) Often times, this disorder is referred to as Narcotic Bowel Syndrome. NBS describes the dysfunction of natural bowel function due to an influx of narcotics. Common side effects include nausea, bloating, constipation, abdominal pain, and sometimes gastrointestinal bleeding. This disorder flares up once the narcotic effect wears off. Eating can sometimes lead to further complications and aggravate the symptoms. Opiates are known to cause decrease in appetite which can also lead to malnutrition and weight loss.
Heart
Opiates are naturally depressants, and the effect on the heart is no exception. As the opiate reduces the function of the central nervous system and the cardiovascular system, the heart’s function is also slowed. This effect can lead to dangerously bradycardia, low blood pressure, vasodilation, and edema. Prolonged use of opiates can cause a disorder that defects the electric conduction of the heart, ultimately creating disabling rhythmic conditions. Heart cells can also be damaged by a number of compounds found in prescription opioids. Injecting opiates can lead to infectious endocarditis. One of the most common disorders associated with opiate abuse, heart valves and heart structures are overwhelmed with a deadly infection. Treatment options can relieve symptoms but often times lead to chronic cardiac disease.
Opiate Detox
Withdrawal from opiates can cause many complications as well. The body becomes dependent upon the increased levels of opioids. Medical supervision upon detoxing off opioids is recommended. Common symptoms of opiate withdrawal include:
Runny nose Depression
Watery Eyes Anxiety
Dilated Pupils Confusion/Loss of Focus
Uncontrollable Yawning Hopelessness
Sweating/Chills Irritability
Muscle Aches Mood Swings
Muscle Spasms Aggression
Vomiting Paranoia
Diarrhea Hyperactivity
Abdominal Pain Intense Cravings
Restless Leg Syndrome Loss of Motivation
Rapid Heartbeat Forgetfulness
High Blood Pressure Fatigue/Insomnia
Decreased Appetite Delusions
Prolonged use and abuse of opiates is detrimental to the body. Addicts abusing opiates are at a much higher risk of premature death and serious health complications. As the individual’s tolerance increases the negative effects on the body increase as well. The deleterious effects on the human body can create chronic and even fatal consequences. Psychological effects of opioid abuse can last for years which is why therapy and supportive resources are quintessential to maintaining long term sobriety. The only way to relieve these symptoms is total abstinence. As addiction plagues the U.S. more treatment options and resources have become readily available for any addict struggling to achieve sobriety. Recovery is an all encompassing lifestyle that requires rehabilitation for the mind, body, and soul.
www.RecoveryLocal.org. www.DetoxLocal.com.
For resources on how to get help, go to
www.piti.wpengine.com/articles/detail/religion-addiction-and-sobriety/
Currently one in every sixty-eight children in the U.S. will be diagnosed with autism. More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes, and cancer combined. In the 1970’s and 1980’s only 1 out of every 2,000 children received an autism diagnosis. Autism was not nearly as prevalent, and little practical information was available for parents and educators.
My development began normally and continued until I was eighteen months old. At that time, I began to regress rapidly. I lost my ability to communicate with words, and I ceased to engage in eye contact, a skill I had previously learned. (About 20% of children with autism experience a similar period of regression.)
When I entered kindergarten, the Rochester School specialists labeled me emotionally impaired. My mom refused this label, informing the professionals, “My son’s disability is not emotional but neurological.”
She diligently researched the top professionals for learning disabilities and paid to have me tested. Neuropsychologist Dr. Jerel E. Deldotto from Henry Ford Hospital confirmed that my disability was indeed neurological.
Educational specialists and doctors informed my parents that I would probably never read beyond a seventh grade level, attend college, or participate in athletics. Even so, my mom was determined to help me to excel in life. She empowered me to develop my unique gifts for independence, employment, and relationships.
As Dr. Temple Grandin said, “In special education, there’s too much emphasis placed on the deficit and not enough on the strength.”
The Prairie Pup Years
When I was seven years old, my mom gave me a stuffed animal of a prairie dog for Christmas. This toy sparked a special interest in prairie dogs; I could tell you every detail about prairie dog life.
In the 80’s most boys played with GI Joe, He-Man, Star Wars toys, Atari video games, or even a Teddy Ruxpin. But I carried around a stuffed prairie dog named Prairie Pup.
As my Special Ed teacher Ms. Milne once told my parents, “Ron always carries an animal book in his right hand and Prairie Pup in his left.”
My mom harnessed my special interest in prairie dogs and animals to teach me reading and writing skills. As a professional artist she taught me with art, drawing pictures of prairie dogs to illustrate concepts.
In fifth grade, I won the Detroit Edison Drawing contest for Oakland County by creating a poster of Prairie Pup and his furry friends. For the prize Prairie and I met captain of the Detroit Pistons basketball team and future Hall of Fame inductee Isaiah Thomas.
In sixth grade, I was deemed too old to carry a love-worn stuffed animal, so Prairie Pup was officially ‘expelled’ from the Rochester public school system.
In my presentations, I joke that it’s a good thing my special interest at the time was a stuffed prairie dog and not a honey-badger. It would have been hard for the school administration to expel an agitated, aggressive, wild beast!
My mother Janet Sandison recalls:
One of my son’s favorite activities was dictating short fictional stories about his stuffed animals and drawing illustrations. I wrote Ron’s short stories in spiral notebooks. Ron drew the main characters: Chatter the Squirrel, Little Gnawing Beaver, Bouncing Bear, and Prairie Pup. I was able to teach Ron new vocabulary through writing and also helped his imagination to blossom. By watching me write, Ron was able to learn reading comprehension and memorized the spelling of words.
During elementary and middle school, I had difficulty developing friendships with peers due to my social awkwardness and sensory issues. If my daily routines were altered, I experienced painful meltdowns. I call my meltdowns, “My honey-badger moments.”
Like many children with autism, I lacked the ability to decode body language and interpret social clues. As a result, I was bullied ruthlessly by my peers.
Star Athlete and Faithful Christian
Everything changed in eighth grade, when I began attending Heart Middle School. That’s when I discovered my new special interest: track. Bullying ceased as I became a star athlete, eventually setting three school records.
In my junior year of high school I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and felt that my life was now on the right track, both literally and metaphorically. I made the honor roll two straight semesters, was a star athlete in track, and memorized over 2,000 Scriptures. (I currently have over 10,000 Scriptures memorized, including 22 complete books of the New Testament.)
In the spring of 1994, our school’s 3,200 meter relay team finished 12th in the State of Michigan. As we drove back from the state final, Nate, the anchor on our relay, commented to Coach Budd, “Next year we could be the fastest 3,200 relay but Ron will be past the age requirement!”
I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, saying, “I will make a way for you.” So I said, “God will provide a way for me to compete.”
Since I had repeated kindergarten, I was past the MHSAA age requirement by three months. My family prayed daily for a miracle. As my senior year approached, my mom contacted the MHSAA. In May 1994, they stated, “Due to your son being past the age requirement we will not allow him to compete!” My parents contacted attorneys and learned that a lawsuit would cost over $40,000.
As the cross-country season drew near, the circumstances seemed hopeless. My mom told me, “There’s nothing we can do now but pray and trust God.” In June 1994, I returned from a five mile run and grabbed the Detroit Free Press. On the front page, I saw an article about Craig Stanley, a fellow athlete past the age requirement.
Our situations were remarkably similar. We were both born in May 1975. Each of us had repeated early elementary grades, and we were both cross-country and track runners. My mom immediately contacted his family. Soon we met and joined forces in prayer and advocating.
Unexpected Blessings and New Beginnings
After I rededicated my life to following Christ, I felt a desire to be re-baptized to demonstrate my commitment. (I was first baptized at nine months old, on the same day I said my first word: “Mom.”)
On Sunday June 10, 1994, I was baptized by Pastor Rob. As Pastor Rob lifted me from the water, he said, “I feel this verse is for you: Joel 2:25, ‘I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and young locust, the other locust and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you.’ Your blessings will begin today.”
When I got home and checked the red flashing answering machine, I had an unexpected message from attorney Rick Landau. He said, “I believe that your case will set a precedent for the Americans with Disabilities Act and I want to represent you pro bono.”
As a result, we won our federal case and Craig and I were able to compete during our respective senior years of high school. My 3,200 relay team set the school record; we also ran the second-fastest time out of 182 teams.
During this season, I felt a call to become a minister. Michigan Christian College, now Rochester College, gave me an athletic scholarship for cross-country and track. I finished my freshman year making the Dean’s List both semesters, and I received an academic scholarship to Oral Roberts University. Six years later, I graduated with a Master of Divinity and highest honors.
On December 7, 2012, I married my wife Kristen.
What’s Ahead for the Future
On April 5, 2016, national publisher Charisma House will release my book, A Parent’s Guide to Autism: Practical Advice. Biblical Wisdom. In writing the book, I interviewed over 40 experts in the autism community and over 40 parents who have a child with autism.
Thanks to the help of my parents and the grace of God, I am living my dream working as a professor of theology, serving in the medical field, and enjoying married life with my beautiful wife.
We all have strange dreams from time to time, and they are still worth looking at and praying about to see if there is something God wants us to learn from them-like buried anger, fear of rejection, or other such things.
Dreams are mentioned 150 times in scripture, and God often spoke to his children in dreams. Here are just a few examples: Joseph, son of Jacob (Genesis 37:5–10); Joseph, the husband of Mary (Matthew 2:12–22); Solomon (1 Kings 3:5–15); and several others (Daniel 2:1; 7:1; Matthew 27:19). There is also a prophecy of the prophet Joel (Joel 2:28), quoted by the apostle Peter in Acts 2:17, that mentions God using dreams. So God can speak through dreams, if He chooses to.
Recurrent dreams are more significant than a one-time dream, however. You say you have recurring, oppressive dreams, so I would encourage you to pray for insight from the Lord whether they represent some unresolved issue within you.
Have you been oppressed by someone?
Have you dealt with all the related anger, grief and disappointment?
Have you forgiven the oppressor and turned vengeance over to God, who promises in Romans 12 to repay those who are unrepentant?
There is a good chance God is using those dreams to show you something He wants you to heal from. Mark Twain said that it is not what you eat that gives you indigestion, but what is eating you. The same usually applies to your dreams.
Sometimes you get bad dreams from what you eat or from a medication reaction, but usually they are like movies that you write, direct, and act in all at once—movies about whatever is eating you that night.
When I treat clients, I ask them every single day whether they had any dreams the night before. I use their dreams to guess what is eating away at them in their unconscious and to discover root problems.
For example, if there is violence in the dreams, there is almost certainly buried anger or fear of being victimized that needs to be dealt with.
If they have tornado dreams, which are common, that shows how stressed out they are about the emotional “tornado” they are going through right now.
If they dream they are flying, it usually means they are making good progress and feel they are succeeding at resolving their conflicts.
If a married person dreams he or she is in a car and the mate is driving, but my client is in the back seat or in the trunk, it usually means my client feels overly controlled and disrespected by the mate.
Sometimes we are more than one person in a dream, like a dream one of my patients told me recently in which she was her current age but taking care of an eight year old girl she could not recognize, comforting the little girl. This client had been abused all of her childhood, and was now deciding to love herself anyway and nurture herself instead of hating herself like most abused kids and adults do. She was herself now, nurturing her wounded self as a child.
We have to be careful not to assume we know what a dream means, because only God knows for sure.
The Bible says that God speaks to us in the night seasons, and that even when we wake up in the morning, he will have taught us things the night before.
Although God used dreams greatly to reveal His plans in Scripture, we must remember that His ultimate revelation came in Christ.
“Long ago God spoke in many different ways to our fathers through the prophets, in visions, dreams, and even face to face, telling them little by little about his plans.
2 But now in these days he has spoken to us through his Son to whom he has given everything and through whom he made the world and everything there is.”
Hebrews 1:1-2 NLB
See also: Can Dreams Be From Demons?
When we see and experience God’s glory, we receive grace. Our task is to help people to see Him. Beholding the glory of God (according to 2 Corinthians 3:18) is the means by which transformation happens. We must understand the love of God for us, what is means to feel loved by God, and recognize that God’s love takes supernatural power to experience.
By John Piper. ©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org. Used by permission.