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discretion

Devotionals

A Time to Speak and a Time to Be Quiet

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

Ecclesiastes chapter three is a good commentary on time. The first sentence is: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Then it lists 14 situations in which we often must choose between two legitimate but opposite actions. For example, there’s a time to plant and a time to uproot, mourn and dance, pursue peace or make war. There is a proper time for each action.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the following phrase (which is one of the 14 mentioned) and trying to incorporate it into my life: There’s a time to be silent and a time to speak.

It’s an important life lesson and necessary people skill. When obeyed it brings peace; when ignored it creates problems.

There are at least two ways to disregard this advice.

Sometimes we speak when we should remain silent.

Do you filter your thoughts before they become speech? Some people don’t. They assume that just having a thought is reason enough to verbalize it. When left unchecked, they feel free to say everything they think. This is not good.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

    • Is this the right time to speak?
    • Is this the right place to speak?
    • Have I considered my audience?
    • Is what I’m about to say true? Necessary? Beneficial?
    • Will my words contribute to the conversation?
    • Will my words be redundant?
    • Are my words necessary?
    • When I speak, am I succinct or verbose?

Incorporating these eight filters would greatly reduce and refine our speech.

Sometimes we don’t speak when we should.

Remaining mute when we should speak is also problematic. Often, it takes both discretion and courage to speak up.

    • When you see injustice or unfairness, speak.
    • When an important decision is being made, contribute your thoughts.
    • Don’t be mute when your silence could be construed as agreement and you don’t concur with what is being said.
    • If someone is dominating the conversation, start talking and pursue equal time. (I dislike unbalanced conversations.)
    • When someone is being dogmatic about his opinions (politics, religion, current events), express your own.
    • When someone says something that is verifiably wrong, correct him or her.

If it’s not obvious whether you should speak or be silent, it’s probably best to remain mute.

To speak or not to speak… When you’re unsure, it’s better to err on the side of silence. It’s hard to retract words spoken, and you can always speak later.

Personal assessment — Do you struggle more with speaking too much or not speaking enough?

When I was young I was out of balance in that I was too quiet. In the past ten years I’ve tried to speak out more often. But lately, I’ve had to remind myself to hold my tongue and be silent.

This is a never-ending challenge that we will calibrate and fine-tune for the rest of our lives.

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Devotionals

Why Kind Words Are Important

by Lisa Bevere
written by Lisa Bevere

“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.”

Have you ever heard something so ridiculous? Anyone who has ever been crushed under the weight of a snarky comment or snide remark knows the utter falsehood in that statement.

Sticks and stones may very well break your bones—but words? Words can crush your heart.

They hold enormous power.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (ESV). James 3:5 reminds us, “The tongue is also a small part of the body, but it can speak big things” (NLV). So what are you speaking over those around you? Are you speaking words of life? Are you proclaiming the largeness of God’s promises, or the smallness of your fears?

Allow me to illustrate with a story. One of my sons struggled through school. His teachers labeled him with a disability. His brothers would pick on him—John and I would tell them he just thinks differently. His brothers would respond with, “but he doesn’t think!” We realized we weren’t nurturing his identity in Christ because we were too busy accepting the labels the world placed on him. We made a conscious choice to start speaking Scripture over him:

You have the mind of the Christ.

You are the head, not the tail.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

As our son started to believe and declare the Lord’s promises over his life, he started to improve in school. He moved into AP classes and landed a place on the honor roll. His progress followed him into his career when he became one of the youngest managers for Apple, whose slogan at the time was fitting: “Think Differently.” We chose to speak life rather than death and the results were evident.

Our words have the potential to create atmospheres where people can thrive. Let’s not use our words to position people for normal, because normal has not served the church well. Rather, let’s position each other for signs, wonders and miracles by speaking God-given identity and destiny into the lives of others.

Let’s remind those entrusted to us that they are sons and daughters of the Most High God. Let’s close our mouths to words that diminish and tear down and open them to release words of life! Our words can either cause others to shrink back and live small lives, or frame a world large enough for them to be heroes in. Which will you choose?

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Articles

Satan and Slander

by Francis Frangipane
written by Francis Frangipane

A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends. —Proverbs 16:28

Jesus made a remarkable statement concerning Judas. He said, “‘Did I Myself not choose you, the twelve, and yet one of you is a devil?’ Now He meant Judas the son of Simon Iscariot, for he, one of the twelve, was going to betray Him” (John 6:70-71).

To what was Jesus referring when He identified Judas as “a devil”? Was He speaking figuratively or factually? Is Jesus saying that a human being could not only host an evil spirit in his soul, but that a person could actually become a demon?

Some teach that Judas had become so perfectly possessed by Satan that he actually lost his humanity. Before we accept this interpretation, let us remember that after Judas delivered Jesus to His enemies, he felt such remorse that he committed suicide. Could a demon feel remorse for sin? I do not think so.

What I believe Jesus is identifying in Judas Iscariot as a “devil” is something that, today, exists unchecked among many Christians. I’m talking about slander. In the New Testament the Greek word diabolos, which is translated “devil” in this text, is translated impersonally elsewhere as a “false accuser,” “slanderer” or “malicious gossip.” In fact, 1Timothy 3:11 and 2 Timothy 3:3 both translate diabolos (Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, #1228) as “malicious gossip(s).”

In other words, Jesus is not saying “one of you is a devil” in an organic or theological sense, but that one of you is “a slanderer, a malicious gossip.” So while the disciples were almost bragging about their loyalty to Christ, Jesus corrected them, in effect saying, “Yes, I chose you, but even among you there is one who is a malicious gossip, whose words will eventually betray Me to My enemies.”

Gossip in the Last Days
This problem of gossip in the Church, Paul tells us, will continue right into the end of the age. Listen carefully to what Paul wrote to Timothy about the last days: “Men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips” (2 Tim. 3:2-3), and the list goes on. In the midst of this list of great sins, the apostle includes “malicious gossips.” This is the exact same word translated “devil” in John 6:70.

Perhaps you know people who always have something negative to say about others, who are a sewer system of negative information about people. Do you see how “malicious gossip” is kin to the nature of Satan himself?

By Your Words . . .
The Scriptures say that we will be justified or condemned by our words. Yes, our words — even those spoken in secret with a spouse or intimate friend — are used by God to measure our obedience to His will. James writes, “If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man” (James 3:2).

Words have power. Scripture reveals that “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21). Our words, expressed as a confession of faith, bring us into salvation; but words rooted in bitterness can defile many, even an entire congregation.

James 3:8 warns, “The tongue . . . is a restless evil . . . full of deadly poison.” “The tongue,” he says, “is a fire, the very world of iniquity” (v. 6). And James reveals one of the most profound truths in the Bible. He says that the tongue “sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell” (v. 6).

Satan gains access to our world, to destroy all that is good and holy in it, through our words. The very course of our life, the direction and quality of life, is “set on fire by hell” through the words we speak. If we talk negatively about someone or maliciously spread gossip, the destructive fire of hell itself is released into our world. Lord, help us to understand the power of our words!

I believe God wants to break the power of gossip and negative speaking from the Church. We may have a perfect analysis of what is wrong and why it is evil, yet if all we do is talk about it, we have yet to disavow our allegiance to hell. God calls us to be a house of prayer for all nations — a spiritual community that is mature, fully capable of seeing what is wrong, but positioning itself to release redemption into the world.

Finally, as we enter the election season here in America, let us guard against the mudslinging and slander that accompany this period. Yes, in a humble spirit, let’s discuss and debate policies, and pray for guidance for ourselves and the candidates. But do not lose sight of your higher standing in God. Remember also the words of James: “The seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:18).

Lord, I consecrate myself to be a house of prayer for my nation, where my spirit prays without ceasing and where Your river of life flows out from my innermost being. In honor of Christ. Amen.

Adapted from Francis Frangipane’s book, A House United, available at www.arrowbookstore.com.

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Why Do We Keep Making Bad Decisions?

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

“Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.” Proverbs 4:6

I am sure you have asked yourself many times why you keep making the same bad choice over and over again. I know I have! Recently, this happened to me; my schedule was so busy, and my husband and I had little time to rest. As a result, what was a very little issue on a phone call with someone we know turned into an explosive fight because of our bad assumptions and decisions. However, we eventually calmed down and analyzed the root causes of our choices, and how we could learn from the situation in order to avoid making the same wrong decisions over and over again.

In this week’s blog and podcast, I discuss the four main reasons we make bad decisions, how to stop making these decisions, how to become a proactive decision maker and how to re-train your brain to make better choices. There are two main parts to this process: first, understanding how to be a proactive decision-maker, and, second, recognizing the conditions under which bad decisions are generally made.

Let’s talk about being a proactive decision maker first:

We are thinking beings. As we think, we feel, and as we feel, we choose. We are literally doing this every 10 seconds in response to an incoming stream of signals from our environment. The signals are from people, discussions, social media, relationships, work, texts, calls emails, the news–life in general. This thinking, feeling and choosing response is our mind-in-action. It is filtered through the complexity of our own experiences—our stored memories. These memories move into the conscious mind in response to these signals of life, influencing our perceptions and worldview. They therefore need to be analyzed in a deliberate and intentional way to see if the perspective they provide is healthy or toxic.

We literally need to train ourselves to observe our thinking and feeling (in response to incoming information) and analyze them objectively before making a decision, otherwise we can fall prey to reactive and potentially harmful choices. This deliberate, intentional, self-regulative way of thinking is proactive, and the good news is that our brains will respond in a very healthy way if we practice doing this on a regular basis. In fact, when we do this we become smarter and wiser!

Part of this process is what I call “mental autopsy”: we examine our past bad decisions, deciding what our triggers were, what was wrong with how we reacted, what perspectives dominated our thinking, feeling and choosing, and how we can learn from these situations and react better in the future. Doing a mental-autopsy on past bad decisions will help prevent you from making the same mistakes again!

This kind of decision-making is very different to reactive decision-making, which is “shooting from the hip” and impulsive. You don’t analyze or learn from your mistakes, which can lead to a pattern of wrong decisions. This is what happened in my fight with my husband—we made assumptions because we did not take the time to examine our perceptions and our thinking, feeling and choosing. We let our emotions get the better of us, which made the situation worse! Indeed, making a decision on assumptions is one of the major reasons we make wrong decisions! It is always vital to ask yourself if what you are thinking is based on fact or based on your own assumptions, which are often mistaken.

So, how can you do this in your life? We have as humans the ability to stand back and observe our own thinking, feeling and choosing and existing upcoming memories, as well as the perspectives they provide, and weigh this all up and decide if it’s good for us—this is called our Multiple Perspective Advantage (MPA for short, which I discuss in my book Switch On Your Brain). As you do this, you become an objective observer, disassociating yourself from the situation you are in, almost as though you are helping someone else evaluate their thinking, feeling, choosing and perspective. In this way, you can analyze the pros and cons of how you are viewing a particular situation, and what the best next steps are.

Now, let’s review the conditions under which it is so easy to make a bad decision:

1. Making decisions when tired: the brain has limited energy and needs recharging. We do this through lifestyle choices like good nutrition and exercise, but, even more so, with good mind-management techniques. Our mind is infinite and tireless; our brains are finite and get tired. When tired, chemicals don’t flow like they should and the internal networks of the brain can get stuck or over-fire. This is akin to driving through a storm with broken wind screen wipers, which is what happened in the fight with my husband.

It is therefore so important that we take regular mental health breaks in the day in the form of “thinker moments”, where we daydream for a few moments to a few minutes – I recommend a minute or so every hour. These moments give your brain a rest and allow it to reboot and heal by letting your mind wander and daydream, which increases your clarity of thought and organizes the networks of your brain, rather than just letting toxic mindsets build up in the brain.

Also, make sure you take a decent break midday, control the number of hours you work in a day (as much as possible), take mental vacations by watching your favorite TV show or reading a good novel, and avoid burnout by listening to the emotional and physical warning signals your body send you.

2. Extreme emotions: emotions are physically represented in the brain as chemicals, which are often called “molecules of emotion”. They are attached to information that is vibrating in the protein tree-like memory structures of the brain. We create emotions as we think; if our thinking is chaotic, the thought trees in the brain are chaotic. These are like trees being blown in a bad storm, which can create brain damage and lead to bad choices because we won’t be thinking clearly.

When you find yourself in this kind of situation, it is best to do some breathing exercises, which dissipates cortisol and calms down your nervous system. You should also acknowledge out loud how you feel; differentiate, label and write your emotions down. Additionally, you can do a very simple physical exercise like tapping your feet, standing up and walking around for a few seconds, rotating your head, stretching or yawn to shift your focus from your own chaotic thinking and help calm you down. It is also important to let people know when you are feeling extreme emotions and cannot mentally make a decision right now—don’t try hide or suppress how you feel, as this will make things worse!

3. Distractions: these can lead to cognitive multitasking, which affects the flow of quantum and electromagnetic energy throughout our brain circuitry. This, in turn, can reduce intelligence in the moment…just when you need it to make a good decision! We need to recognize that although we as humans can do busy well, we also need to learn how to compartmentalize our tasks.

This doesn’t mean you have to slow down. Rather, you just have to get organized by saying things to yourself like “I can’t finish this now but will as soon as I am done sorting this problem…” or “I will make a note of where I am in this document and what I was thinking, so I can pick up here later…”. You can also tell people who need your attention to give you the time to finish what you are doing—don’t just be a “yes man”! This will help you compartmentalize, keeping things tidy in your mind and helping you prioritize what needs attention and what can wait. It’s a choice you have to make to not allow distractions to interrupt your flow. Remember, you control the distractions, the distractions don’t control you!

4. Too many choices at once: these are like too many surges of energy all hitting the brain at once, and can make you feel overwhelmed and stressed out. In many cases, this can lead to decision-making paralysis, or impulse choices that you will later regret.

The solution: take the time to sort out your thinking and your choices. You can do this by breathing in and out deeply, imagining holding up a shield around your mind, and then slowly focusing on each choice (one at a time) by writing them down as you speak out loud. Next, prioritize the top 2-3 options and toss the rest; force yourself to not look back at the other options, reminding yourself that even if you made the wrong decision, you learned something! Finally, set a deadline for making a decision.

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When and How to Say No

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37

We all know that community is important for mental health, but what happens when people demand too much from us? How do we know when and how to say no before we feel drained and burnout?

Dr. Henry Cloud, bestselling author and psychologist, teaches boundaries are as important as community when it comes to our mental health. It is not selfish to say no or give ourselves a break.

We all need space, or what Dr. Cloud calls “property lines”, in our relationships. These lines set healthy limits in a friendship, and make sure people don’t throw their “trash” into your yard (figuratively speaking) or try control what you do and how you live. These are not walls: they are permeable. Ideally, we open our boundaries to let in good relationships, but we close them to keep out to threats and danger.

But, you may ask, what can you do when you feel obligated to say “yes” all the time and let people in all the time? How do you set boundaries without affecting the quality of your relationships? When and how can you actually say no to protect your mental and physical health?

1. Remember the golden rule: 

Relationship boundaries should have consequences, like everything we do and say in life: what you sow you should reap, and boundaries are only boundaries if they are enforced.

If you are in a relationship with a toxic person who is irresponsible and abusive, for example, that person ought to reap what they sow, and the relationship should come to an end. However, if there are not clear boundaries in this relationship, then you can become an enabler, and the toxic behavior continues to negatively affect both of you—that person is throwing their “trash” across your property line, and now you have become dependent on the hope that maybe one day they will stop causing you pain…maybe one day they will change. If, on the other hand, you decide to leave the toxic relationship, recognizing that you can’t control the other person but you can control your own boundaries, and that you need to do so to protect your mental and physical health, you can take back control of your own property: your life. The other person is now left with the consequences of what they have done, and that just may be the spark that kindles their desire to actually change, because they see that their behavior has definite consequences.

Saying no to people that are self-centered, draining and co-dependent is not only acceptable, but often necessary for our mental wellbeing. You can still be there for someone if they are in dire need, but you do not have to let them affect your day-to-day life. You have limited energy to invest in people, so choose your relationships wisely. I also recommend asking yourself these questions when deciding whether or not the relationship is worth investing in:

  • Do you like who you are or who you have become in the relationship? If you have changed, how so? Are these good changes or bad ones?
  • Do you feel that the other person makes an effort to develop the relationship, or do you feel that you are the only person trying?
  • Do you feel loved and appreciated, or manipulated and used? 
  • Do you actually like this person? Ask yourself if the negatives outweigh their positive attributes.
  • Do they keep saying they will change, but never make an effort to do so?

At the end of the day, only you will know if you should end a relationship or not, because only you know when your boundaries have been crossed one too many times.

2. Be clear about your boundaries: 

Often, we keep our boundaries secret out of fear of affecting a relationship or affecting how someone sees us, and we end up saying yes to things we don’t want to do, or do not let others know when they have invaded our personal space and upset us, which can make us feel trapped, out of control, uncomfortable, resentful and anxious. This, in turn, will impact not only our mental wellbeing but also our physical health, because our feelings will become embodied and change the way our brain and body functions—right down to the level of our genes.

Boundaries, like property lines, need to be clear, so that other people know when they are crossing them, and when they are causing pain. When you understand why you need space, and how important this space is, you can let other people know in a calm and collected way what you want and need. Say, for example, a co-worker keeps wanting to go out for drinks or dinner after work; instead of saying yes and dreading it, or shouting “stop bothering me!”, say something like “It has been a long day and I need some ‘me’ downtime after work, as it helps me function better, so I am not going to go out today.” Let people know when they have crossed your boundary.

At the same time, don’t feel the need to overexplain! You have a right to rest and relaxation—the brain does not function well without it. In fact, when we go into a directed rest state (that is when we are intentional about relaxing and giving our minds a break), we enhance and increase the effectiveness of our thinking, which allows us to be a more helpful and better friend and family member. So, if you find yourself feeling guilty for saying “no” and trying to make someone else happy by giving long explanations and stumbling over why, stop, take a deep breath, and just say calmly “no, I need a break because of…”. If the other person does not understand or reacts negatively, don’t take it personally: you are not responsible for how they choose to react to the situation, but you can choose to control your own life—don’t let them take that control from you.

3. Know your own boundaries:

All relationships are different, and require different types of boundaries. This is particularly case with romantic relationships, when two people are so close that they have essentially redefined their boundaries around each other: they have become “one”, but there is still two people experiencing that “oneness.”

When you enter a romantic partnership, you are essentially opening yourself up to someone on a much deeper level, which means you affect each other more profoundly. This, in turn, requires that you both have greater knowledge and control over your feelings and attitudes, so that you don’t inadvertently cross the boundaries between each other and cause havoc in the relationship.

For instance, if you feel that your boundary has been crossed and your partner has hurt you, you should be able to say in a reasonable way “hey, we need to talk about…, because what you did really hurt me.” You let them know about the boundary that has been crossed, and you deal with it in a loving way. However, if you are not in control of yourself, you can end up screaming and shouting at your partner, and can end up crossing their own boundaries and causing a huge fight, which will impact your relationship and leave you both distressed and in pain.

When you know your own boundaries, you can be more in control of how you react when those boundaries are crossed, and how you communicate your boundaries to the people in your life, whether they are lovers, friends, family or coworkers. You can begin to see that being able to say “no” is not antithetical to a good relationship; it defines a good relationship. Knowing your own boundaries means knowing yourself on a deeper level, which will only enrich your relationships because you are comfortable and happy with being fully you with another person.

But you cannot truly know your boundaries if you do not know how you uniquely think and react to your experiences and relationships, that is how you think, feel and choose as an individual. As Socrates once said, the “unexamined life is not worth living”; when you know yourself and how you think, you not only understand yourself better, but you understand what you need and want in a relationship, and can communicate this clearly to a partner, friend, family member and co-worker.

I have found that keeping a journal of my thoughts and experiences can be incredibly helpful when it comes to organizing my thoughts and understand my unique perceptions and reactions to life.

4. Protect your own mental health when helping someone in need.

When it comes to dealing with people who need help, knowing your own needs and boundaries can help protect your mental health. Of course, we are designed for community; we thrive in environments when we are needed and where we need others, but this need can become challenging if we are not careful. So, if you feel stressed out by someone you are trying to help, set definitive boundaries: be there for them when you can, but be clear you are there to support them in their journey where you can, not to fix them. Make sure you have a designated partner, friend or family member you can talk to to help you process the situation and your emotions.

I personally love to use my time in the sauna as a mental health break if I feel drained by a relationship. I also incorporate “thinker moments” into my day. These moments help me switch off to the external and switch on to the internal, giving my brain a rest and allowing it to reboot by letting my mind wander and daydream. This increases my clarity of mind and ability to problem-solve and be there for the person I am trying to help. So, be intentional about creating mental health boundaries throughout your day, especially when you are dealing with challenging relationships!

www.drleaf.com. Used by permission.

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Abigail: The Bible’s Best Hostess

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Don’t be stingy with your stuffing. Don’t be tight with your tortilla casserole. Abigail, the consummate hostess, was the Martha Stewart of her day. She calmly faced an army of angry guests with grace. Abigail’s name means “Whose Father is Joy.” But her married name was “Whose Husband is a Beast.”

She was gorgeous, wealthy and wise. However, like so many marriages that appear happy on the outside, they are nightmarish beneath the surface. Nabal, (the name means “fool”) was drunken and abusive. Young women of Abigail’s day did not have the luxury of choosing a mate. Her father probably chose Nabal for his beautiful daughter because he was filthy rich.

But no amount of riches can replace kindness, respect or appreciation from a spouse. However, Abigail made lemon bars out of lemons. She remained faithful to Nabal and served him well. Her domestic domain ran like a well-oiled machine. I’m sure the servants loved her!

Here’s how her story unfolds in 1 Samuel 25:

“Then David moved down into the Desert of Paran.

 A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings—he was a Calebite.”

Sheep-shearing time was the Thanksgiving holiday in Bible days. Every hard worker feasted on the fruits (or mutton) of his labor. So it was customary for a landowner to reward those who protected his flock and shepherds from thieves and wolves.  David and his men had faithfully served Nabal and his flocks. So David said,

“Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours!

“‘Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’”

Nabal’s answer to David was just plain mean. His soldier’s waited politely for their food and Nabal rudely replied:

“Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?”

First of all, everybody knew who David was. He was a fierce, famous warrior. He called David a slave, when in reality he was King Saul’s son-in-law. And he offered him paltry turkey sandwiches and well water instead of lamb and wine. How insulting! How foolish!

David was incensed. He brandished his sword and took four hundred men to destroy Nabal and his household! That’s what I call overkill…. David said,

“It’s been useless—all my watching over this fellow’s property in the wilderness so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. May God deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!”?

Abigail got wind of Nabal’s drunken, surly response.

The servants who overheard David’s angry words raced to warn the mistress of the household. Wise Abigail was a quick thinker. She stared down the face of death and saved the day with roast mutton, bagels, raisin bread and figgy pudding for six hundred famished soldiers. And remember, in Abigail’s day, EVERYTHING was from scratch.

The good wife was also ready to eat humble pie. We learn so much about this remarkable woman from her speech to David:

“When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground. She fell at his feet and said: “Pardon your servant, my lord, and let me speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent. And now, my lord, as surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming my lord be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my lord, be given to the men who follow you.

“Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.  Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling.  When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.”

Abigail’s religious witness and knowledge of Jewish history testify to an early training in a godly home, and acquaintance with the teachings of the prophets in Israel. Her plea before David also reveals her understanding of the events of her own world. Notice this phrase: “the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. “ Even Abigail knew the heroic tale of David’s victory over the giant Goliath with a sling and a stone.

She also was deeply spiritual, and knew how to appeal to the “man after God’s own heart.” She reminded David that God’s was his strength and his destiny was to be king. She appealed to David to keep himself pure by showing mercy instead of vengeance.

Wow! What a lady! Herbert Lockyear, author of All the Women of the Bible wrote:

“We can never gauge the effect of our words and actions upon others. The intervention of Abigail in the nick of time teaches us that when we have wisdom to impart, faith to share, and help to offer, we must not hesitate to take any risk that may be involved.”

Abigail returned and remained faithful to Nabal the Nasty. But God didn’t forget her kindness, nor did David. When Nabal sobered up and learned the consequences of his reckless behavior, he keeled over with a heart attack and bit the dust ten days later. David heard the news and immediately proposed. She became the wife of a king. This amazing lady is one of the few women in the Bible who is considered to be a type of Christ. She stood in the gap between God and sinful men.

Abigail teaches us many lessons about serving others.

1.     Be calm.

Don’t be a “Martha” hostess. Martha of Bethany will always be remembered as an angry, anxious hostess, focused on the food and insensitive to her guests. She was mean to her sister Mary and mad in the kitchen. Think about it. She had Jesus as a dinner guest!

2.     Be godly.

If you spend time loving God, you will be gracious. Put first things first. Celebrations can be stressful. Be sensitive to your guests. Ask God to show you their emotional needs. The way to one’s heart is not through the stomach, it’s through the heart!

3.     Be realistic.

You will make mistakes. The kids will be boisterous, especially if they’re hyped up on sugar. Don’t expect perfection. Every family gathering has a few good eggs and a few bad apples.

4.     Be generous.

Send meals to the sick and elderly. Serve Thanksgiving dinner at a homeless shelter. The holidays should be a time for giving, not spending.

Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners are not always about the food. I am a crummy cook. I’m so terrible that my daughters won’t even let me bring a Jello salad to dinner.  Last year, I made frozen cranberry bars and I found them in my eldest daughter’s freezer two weeks later. She hid them from the guests!!

But I do know how to make others feel welcome. We often invite guests to our celebration who live far away from home. One year we invited a soldier stationed nearby to come to our dinner and to visit our church. He started playing trumpet in the church orchestra. Chris married one of our violinists and now they have seven beautiful kids!

Don’t be a Martha. Be an Abigail.

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6 Ways to Argue Well and 5 Benefits

by Caroline Leaf
written by Caroline Leaf

Conflict is part of life. We can handle it in a godly way, or brush it under the rug. Dr. Caroline Leaf teaches us six ways to argue well.

“Did you know fighting can be good for your mental health? Arguing can be beneficial for both your health and your relationships, IF done correctly. In this blog I am going to give six points on how to argue, and the mental health benefits of arguing well.  

I grew up in a family where many things were swept under the rug, which led to a number of relationship problems even though we loved each other. This is a common problem in many families and friendships, and causes more issues in the long run than if the people involved had just had a big fight, which tends to get everything out into the open (a crucial step to healing!) Learning how to argue well can in fact be one of the most useful skills, and a great way to improve not only our mental health but also relationships!  

What are some of the ways you can learn to argue well?

1. Get clarification:

Before you respond to someone and get upset, make sure you understand what the other person means. Ask for clarification before reacting, especially if you feel triggered by what they are saying or doing. It may help if you try restate what they said to see if you understand them correctly—try see things from their angle as calmly as you can. Remember, assumptions are the mother of all mess ups! Always take a few breathes before you respond in an argument. Don’t assume that you know what the other person is thinking, because in all likelihood you do not, even if you know that person well! I still have to practice this with my husband, even though I have known him for over 30 years!  

Examining and changing your perceptions will be hard at first, but if you practice this over 21 to 63 days you can build it into your brain as a mental habit, which will help you argue better in the future!

2. Practice Grace:

We all need a little grace and compassion at times, because we are all human! It is so important to give people a second chance, and try understand why they may be reacting in a certain way, and try to figure out why someone is upset. Maybe they are just having a bad day, or are going through something difficult. Always consider this before you just assume they are acting this way to antagonize you. Try to see the best first—this is what I call a “grace attitude”. This means seeing this person in a compassionate and understanding way, which changes the kind of mental energy you generate towards that person which can help diffuse a potentially explosive situation. 

 3. Make self-reflection and self-regulation a habit: 

Take the time to think about your own thoughts and behavior as you are at the start or in the midst of an argument. Maybe you hurt that person? Are your words and actions “triggering” them? Be honest with yourself. Are you looking at the person through the past, that is how they used to be? Even I do this with my husband—I occasionally think my husband is not listening to me like he did in the past, even though my husband has dramatically improved the way he engages with me. Remember, the past doesn’t have to define the future! People can and do change, and we all fail at times. Do not hold someone’s present actions against past behaviors. 

Also, ask yourself a lot of WHY questions, because there is always a reason behind what we say and do. And be sure to let go of your ego! Ask yourself what good will pride do in this situation? Indeed, when we let go of our ego, we generate what quantum physics shows are “love waves” that really help improve the way people react to us. How? 

My new app Switch is a great tool for helping you make self-reflection and self-regulation a habit. It is based on my 5-step program, which is designed to help you identify and eliminate the root of your toxic thoughts and reactions, and can help you build healthy, new thinking habits that can improve your relationships. You can also find out more on toxic thinking and how to change negative mindsets in my book Switch On Your Brain and Think, Learn, Succeed.

 4. Watch your verbal and non-verbal communication:

Become aware of what you say and your body language. Do not make sweeping statements, such as “you are always like this” or “you never listen”; these trigger words will only make things worse, so choose your words carefully and watch how you construct sentences. Do not use language that will make someone go on the defensive. This is counterproductive and will only make things worse. Practice using non-judgmental or accusatory speech. 

It is also important to consider your body language, which is 50% of your communication! Stress and anger have physical repercussions, such as the tensing of your muscles, which can make a situation more tense and combative. So, when you are in the midst of an argument, take note of your posture, facial expressions and body movements. Minimize fast and aggressive movements, and focus on loosening the tension in your face. 

 5. Take Action: 

Don’t just say sorry, take action! Acknowledge your own role/responsibility in the argument, and be prepared to give an authentic apology, not just a quick or irritated “I’m sorry”! Really try to change your behavior so that the other person can see that you are genuinely apologetic. Be “solution-minded”: think of tangible, constructive ways you can improve the situation and your relationship to show that you are willing to change. In my own case with my husband Mac, we both try remember to go through the steps outlined in this blog as we argue, which helps us have less heated, shorter and constructive arguments, which, in turn, helps us grow in our relationship!

6. Conduct an argument autopsy:

After an argument, it is always important to analyze why things ended up the way they did. We cannot fix something if we do not know why it “broke” in the first place! Once you are calm, think about how you can learn from the situation, how you can improve your communication and relationship—don’t just “move on” or the same thing can happen again. Use this “autopsy” process as a preventative measure: it is a way to understand how to prevent this kind of argument in the future. It may be helpful to discuss with other person what can be done in the future to prevent or manage a re-occurrence of the same argument, or to discuss the situation with someone you trust. Set boundaries and take note of toxic thought patterns.

The key to a good “mental autopsy” is understanding. When you start to understand your arguments, you can learn from them, which helps you stop overthinking and making assumptions next time you interact with that person (for more on this see this blog) and learn from past experiences (as I spoke about in a recent blog and podcast). A mental autopsy helps you move forward and build strong relationships that help you succeed in life.

What are the benefits of arguing well?

1. Learning to argue well prevents us from building a toxic thought associated with the relationship in question, which can cause brain damage and influence future interactions/perceptions in that relationship (which will only make future arguments worse!). When we argue in a good way, and learn how to “agree to disagree”, we can improve our mental health and our relationships, because we learn that we all see the world in a different way, and will never agree with everything someone says or does, and this is okay! We will also learn to not let past hurts and painful interactions control present and future interactions.

2. We can choose how we want to use our mental energy. There is a limit to how much energy we have in a day. Do we want to waste it on rehashing a toxic though pattern that is based on our assumptions, which will drain our energy and make us feel tired and sick? Or do we want to use our limited energy to build a healthy response into our brains, one that is based on getting to the root of an issue and improving our relationships and ability to communicate? When we use our mental energy well, we can lay a strong, positive foundation for all our relationships because we learn how to listen and communicate in a constructive and helpful way, increasing our wisdom and building strong ties that help us navigate life’s challenges. Choose where you want to spend your energy.  

3. Assumptions, anger, irritation and so on take a lot of mental energy and time, and can create neurochemical chaos in the brain, which not only affects our ability to think clearly, but can also impact all of our relationships. When we learn to argue well, however, we redirect this energy in a positive way, helping build neural networks in the mind that lay the foundation for successful, lasting bonds. Furthermore, learning to argue well prevents chaotic thinking, which has a direct impact on our mental and physical health.

4. You cannot suppress thoughts and emotions—they will end up coming up in some way or another, and can cause a host of mental and physical health issues, including a compromised immune system! Good arguments may be painful, but they get things out into the open, which helps you deal with them so they do not keep coming back to haunt you and affect your mental and physical wellbeing. One hour of arguing properly may just save you years of relationship and emotional problems!

5. We can never learn or grow if don’t fight through our problems. Not dealing with an issue doesn’t make it go away, and it certainly doesn’t help us learn how to improve our relationships. To deal with and learn from an issue we first have to admit there is one, which is why arguing is so important: it sheds light on our relationship problems and where we need to progress. We are connected to each other because we live in an entangled world—we cannot escape human relationship. 

I really recommend you learn these rules and use them immediately when you begin to argue with anyone, even if you have to read them on notes or in a journal the first few times! They have really helped me learn how to argue well with my own family, and have dramatically improved our ability to communicate. Indeed, it is important not to fear arguments. Don’t stay in them long, don’t let your ego rule, and don’t forget to analyze and learn from them! And remember, just one hour of arguing properly may save you years of relationship problems!

www.drleaf.com. Used by permission.

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How to Measure Your Words

by Deb Waterbury
written by Deb Waterbury

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve said something and then heard my 28-year-old son say, “Filter, Mom!”  In truth, remembering to filter what goes on in my head before it comes out of my mouth has always been a struggle for me.  I tend to speak much more than I should in some situations and then not say enough in others.  Often I’ve missed the blessing of hearing what others are saying in both instances.

However, besides the obvious fact that I miss things, what is the ultimate responsibility I have in my words?  Are their consequences far greater than what I may or may not miss?

The truth, of course, is yes.  As believers, we know that God’s Word is very explicit when it comes to the importance in how much we say and when:

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. (Proverbs 10:19)

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)

As I see it, we struggle from both aspects of using our tongues to uplift and edify those around us.  Either we are so busy talking and saying what we think that we don’t measure our words against the situation into which we are thrusting them, or we aren’t saying enough, instead protecting ourselves or our feelings from the inevitable threat of pain in exposing some part of us.

It is vitally important that each of us look at this issue, not only as it pertains to our relationship to our Father, but also how it pertains to the issue of our relationships with each other.  After all, Jesus plainly told His disciples in John 13:35,

            By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

Yes, we are to display love to all people, but love cannot be trusted if it is not first given in the family, both the immediate family as well as the church family.  It’s very difficult, dare I say impossible, to love our families if we don’t have relationship with them.  Learning to use our words will go a long way to facilitating those relationships and thereby give us ample opportunity to show love.

Relationship requires pretty much one thing—taking one’s self out of center and being willing to place someone else there.  Sometimes that is going to mean putting a muzzle on our mouths, recognizing that saying everything we think is neither loving nor wise.  Even if what we are thinking is correct or valid, love takes the other person’s feelings into account.  Speaking our minds is often the most loving thing to do, but it is just as often the most loving thing to do to keep our thoughts to ourselves.

On the flip side of that coin, we many times are in protection mode when it comes to communicating.  Having conversation with another person in regards to feelings and accountability requires vulnerability, which consequently means taking the chance that our own feelings may be hurt.  It’s not easy to communicate when we may have to sacrifice the protective barrier so many of us have painstakingly erected around our hearts.

Additionally, sometimes we don’t communicate simply because we don’t think to do so.  We’re too busy, or we’re too devoted to our jobs or our studies or ourselves….Whoops!  Did I just write that?  Yes, I did.  When we don’t think to build up our relationships by talking to each other simply because we’re too busy to think about it, guess who we are actually thinking about?  It’s certainly not others and it’s not their hearts.  Essentially our “busy-ness” is being consumed with self.

We can come up with all sorts of justification for keeping our words to ourselves, but at the end of the day, relationship is nigh impossible without it.  Marriages collapse because of a lack of communication.  Parent/child relationships are non-existent because one or more aren’t talking.  Churches split and friendships are severed when no one communicates.  Even corporations have dissolved when executives don’t communicate with their employees or vice versa.

Relationship requires communication, and communication requires more than two people who are essentially taking turns talking.  James wrote,

Know this, my beloved brothers:  let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires.

Relationship also requires commitment, commitment to another person and that person’s needs outside of what we perceive as either ours or something more important.  Would Jesus have ever seen Himself as too busy to communicate with those in His family? One situation in particular comes to mind that demonstrates our Savior’s propensity toward relationship over even ministry and His job, for lack of a better term.

Remember when Jesus was teaching His disciples and the ruler came and bid Him come and bring his daughter back from the dead?  Jesus was on His way to raise the dead to life—a fairly important task by any standard—but when a woman touched His garment who had suffered for twelve years with hemorrhaging, He stopped everything to speak to her. (Matthew 9:18-22)

Even His mission to save and heal and bring life to the dead could not thwart His devotion to relationship with His children.

It shouldn’t for us either.

Are there people in your life to whom you haven’t selflessly given loving communication?  Is it a spouse or a child or a friend or a fellow brother or sister?  Take the words of the psalmist to heart and meditate on them:

-When you are struggling with saying too much:

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. (Proverbs 17:27)

-And when you are struggling to remember to say something:

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. (Proverbs 12:25)

After all, how can we say we love our family if we don’t know them, and how can we know them if we don’t both talk and listen to them?

www.debwaterbury.com. Used by permission. 

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The Secret to True Happiness

by Jud Wilhite
written by Jud Wilhite

What does it mean to be happy? Does God want us to be happy? Many of us view happiness as solely depending on what happens to us. In fact, the root of the word happiness goes back to ‘happenstance.’ So if happiness is all about what happens to us then we are going to have lots of moments when we are not happy, right?

 

When it comes to happiness we’ve all heard the statement, “Money can’t buy happiness.” Here is what the research shows: to a certain level, money can buy happiness if you are very poor. Money can give you the ability to meet your basic needs. But once those basic needs are met, and once you have a basic aspect of security in your life, more money won’t make you happy. In fact, the research shows that if you go past a certain point more money will actually make you dissatisfied with the things you have. You may be sitting out there feeling a little cynical like the guy who said, “Okay, money can’t buy happiness. But I’d still like to have a lot so I can enjoy my misery all the more.” Money in and of itself doesn’t buy you happiness.

 

Another thing research shows is that youth doesn’t equal happiness. If you ask most people, who is happier– someone older or someone younger? They would probably say someone younger. They are healthy. They don’t have physical issues or ailments. But psychologist Diener and others have found in their research that one of the most unhappy groups are people who are in their 20s and 30s. From the late 40s and up, particularly around 55 or 65, those individuals actually have much deeper happiness than younger people.

 

What about climate? I’ve always heard if you live in the West where there is lots of sunshine you are going to be happy – happier than if you lived in the Midwest. There’s snow and gloomy days and rain. Do you know what the research shows? The research shows that it doesn’t matter where you live. There is no correlation living in the West with lots of sun compared to living in the Midwest without nearly as much sun.

 

Another misconception is that if you have a high IQ and education you’ll be happy. Research shows no direction correlation between education and a high IQ and a person’s happiness.

 

Two things came out of psychologist Ed Diener’s research over the last 20 years. One, religious faith plays an important role in a person’s happiness. Secondly, strong social connections, friends and family, play a very key role in a person’s happiness.

 

I think context plays a big part in it. I love the story of the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Russian. They were all sitting around having a discussion about happiness. This was in an era when Stalin was ruling in communist Russia. If you said the wrong thing in Russia the secret police might show up at your door and take you away to a labor camp in Siberia if you were not towing the communist party line. These three individuals were sitting around talking. The Englishman was saying happiness was coming home, sitting down by the fire, and putting your feet into warm slippers. That is happiness. Some of you are saying, “That’s what I’m talking about!” The Frenchman said, “You English have no romance. Happiness is a wonderful restaurant. Having fine wine with a beautiful woman. That is happiness.” Some of you are going, “Now THAT is what I’m talking about!” This Russian says, “You are both wrong. Happiness is when you are lying asleep at 4 AM in the morning and there is a knock on your door. It’s the secret police. They say, “Ivon Ivonovich.” You breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Ivon Ivonovich lives next door.” That is happiness. It all depends on your perspective. Different perspectives have very different opinions when it comes to happiness.

 

Well, does God want us to be happy? Jesus begins the Sermon on the Mount with a discussion about happiness and joy in our lives. In Matthew 5:1 here is what the Bible says,

 

“One day as he saw the crowds gathering Jesus went up on the mountainside and sat down. His disciples gathered around him and he began to teach them. He said, “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him. For the kingdom of heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble for they will inherit the whole earth.”

 

Happiness, according to Jesus, gets to the central truth of divine favor. Jesus is going to list out several different characteristics of people have who have experienced God’s divine favor in their lives. First of all, Jesus talks about what’s going on inside us as being probably as important, if not more important, than what’s going on outside of us.

 

Happiness fundamentally is something that happens inside of you and not just something that happens outside of you. Secondly, the Bible defines happiness as something more than pleasure. Most of the time when we talk about happiness we are talking about pleasure. What makes us feel good? Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount is talking about how God sees us, and therefore how we truly are, not about how we feel in that. Does that make sense? God sees you as blessed when you are poor in spirit. God sees you as blessed when you are merciful. God views you as blessed, as happy and fulfilled, in these characteristics.

 

The first principle that Christ lays out if we want to experience this inner joy and happiness from the inside out is– realize your need for God. Matthew 5:3 says “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him and the kingdom of heaven is theirs.” Do you see it there? They realize their need for him.

 

I love how the Message translation reads. “You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope; with less of you there is more of God and his rule.” Jesus often would take our concepts in the Beatitudes and will turn them upside down. Most of us don’t feel blessed and we don’t feel happy and we don’t feel joyful when we are at the end of our rope. But he says with less of you, there will be more of God. In other words, God will meet you there.

 

Now Jesus is sitting there talking to a group of people who were not the most spiritually elite at that time and place. These were individuals much like you and I. They were common people. Many of them had their shoulders slumped carrying the weight of guilt and religious failure. They had made mistakes. They didn’t have it all together. As Jesus speaks to these people he says, “Listen, there is hope for you who are poor in spirit.” There is hope for you if you feel like you are barely hanging on. There is hope for you if you feel like you are not worthy or not good enough and you’ll never be good enough.

 

There is hope for you because the kingdom of heaven is yours. God came to bring the kingdom to you. He’s giving us hope and encouragement today.

 

Listen, you are always going to have things coming into your life that you can’t control. There are always going to be problems and obstacles. There are always going to be needs, conflict and tension. If your happiness is only defined by what is outside of you coming at you – you’re never, ever going to be happy.

 

So where then is happiness found? It’s not in yourself. Jesus himself said that if you want to find happiness you have to lose your life to find it. In other words, surrender your life to God and in that act of surrender true joy can begin to well up inside of you. Truly, happiness itself isn’t found in seeking it. Happiness is found in seeking God. If you just define happiness as pleasure, then I don’t know if God is that concerned with happiness. But if you are defining happiness as something much deeper than that–divine favor, God’s blessing inside of you no matter what happens outside of you, delighting and finding pleasure and God himself, he’s very concerned about that. In fact, I think that God’s greatest desire for us is to find our happiness and joy in him and not in all the worldly things that surround us.

 

Then we would delight in him.

 

Will you give Jesus a chance? Will you give his teaching a chance and really put it into practice in your life? See if happiness doesn’t begin to dwell in your life from the inside out as you experience more of who God is.

http://www.centralonline.tv/ Used by permission.

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Ask Roger

Is the Harsh Old Testament God the Same as the Loving New Testament God?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

 

We have relatives who are not believers, and want to argue that the “harsh” God of the Old Testament could not be the same as Jesus of the New Testament. They ask, “How would a loving God wipe out whole nations, including babies. I would like to know how you respond to this question.

 

Dear Beth,

I know what you mean. I’ve often wondered the same thing.

 

For example, how do we reconcile Joshua 11:20 in the Old Testament with John 3:16 in the New Testament?

 

“For it was the Lord himself who hardened their hearts to wage war against Israel, so that he might destroy them totally, exterminating them without mercy, as the Lord had commanded Moses” (Joshua 11:20.

 

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16).

 

I’ve tried to sort it out for many years and couldn’t–until you asked your question! So, after reading your question I decided to focus on getting a satisfactory answer that had some substance and satisfaction.

 

Here Is How I Used To Answer The Question:

 

First, we cannot honestly overlay our morals, values and behaviors upon a previous generation or culture. Certainly, God’s directions for Israel to destroy entire cities wiping out all men, women, children, babies and live stock was normal behavior for people in the Old Testament. The average person in Old Testament times did not question God’s behavior or motives. This was just how life was lived.

 

That is not a very satisfying answer. I know. I didn’t like it either, but it was the best that I had at the time.

 

Second, I told people that this was just one of God’s mysteries and we must be content with not knowing until God reveals all in Heaven. I didn’t much like this answer either.

 

Finally, I told people that when our questions are “faith threateners”, we have to stand in faith on the resurrection. Jesus cheated death and promised that if we believe in Him that we can cheat death, too.

 

This belief trumps my doubts about an angry Old Testament God who did things that I can’t understand. Take time to read what Paul has to say about this in 1 Corinthians 15.

 

Here Is How I Answer The Question Today:

 

God Is Immutable. He Never Changes. He Is Always The Same.

 

In the Old and New Testaments God can be seen acting both harshly and lovingly. In the Old and New Testament, God (Jesus) can be seen acting both harshly and lovingly. God is consistently the same in character, values and behaviors both in the Old Testament as well as in the New.

 

Anger and harsh behavior are always the result of judgment for sin. Compassion and love are poured out on those who are hurting and suffering.

 

Let me share several examples.

 

God was sometimes harsh in the Old Testament: He, at times, instructed the Israelites to destroy completely an idol worshipping city.

 

“They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys” (Joshua 6:11).

 

Jesus was sometimes harsh in the New Testament: He was incredibly angry when He used a whip to drive the money changers out of the Temple. Also, He will sit on the throne at the Great White Throne Judgment and cast non Christians into Hell. That is very harsh behavior for the one we call the Loving Jesus.

 

“In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, ‘Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!’” (John 2:14-16).

 

“Then I saw a great white throne and him (Jesus) who was seated on it. … And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books…. Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:11-15).

 

God was often seen as compassionate and loving in the Old Testament. I often use Psalm 103 at funeral services. The picture here of a loving and comforting God is incomparable.

 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

 

Jesus was often seen as compassionate and loving in the Old Testament. The “Angel of the Lord” was a theophany of Jesus appearing in human form in the Old Testament. When the “Angel of the Lord” saw a sobbing woman and her son dying of thirst in the desert, He gave them water to drink and led them to safety.

 

“When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, ‘I cannot watch the boy die.’ And as she sat there, she began to sob.

 

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of the Lord (Jesus) called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, ‘What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.’ Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink” (Genesis 21:15-19).

 

The key to understanding that the God of the Old Testament is the same God of the New Testament revolves around the issues of sin and justice. As holy, perfect and righteous, God must punish sin harshly. As loving and compassionate He extends grace, mercy and forgiveness to those who humble themselves and trust in Him as Savior and Lord.

 

Well Beth, I hope this gives you some ideas on how to approach your relatives with the gospel.

 

Let me know how it all turns out.

 

Love, Roger

 

 

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Articles

How Can Your Church Meet Needs in the Hispanic Community?

by Warren Bird
written by Warren Bird

The Excellent Book, Hispanic Realities Impacting America: Implications for Evangelism and Missions , by Daniel Sanchez, Ph.D., provides an eye-opening overview of America’s rapidly changing population demographics.

It vividly reminds readers that Hispanics have spread throughout the country faster than immigrant any previous group. Its central point IS that Hispanics are showing more receptivity to the Evangelical message than ever before in the history of the Country . 

What I found most helpful was the discussion about needs in the Hispanic community (chapter 13). The author, a seminary professor who was previously a missionary and church planter, highlights a survey of Hispanic pastors who suggested various needs that could be served, which the pastors ranked in this order:

68%, Helping persons get jobs or better jobs

61%, Helping new immigrants establish themselves

61%, Helping persons to have better access to basic social services (health care, Social Security, Medicare)

61%, Counseling programs

59%, Ministry-based evangelism such as block parties)

58%, English or citizenship classes

57%, Evangelistic services

53%, Helping students to stay in school

52%, Church / community sports programs

50%, Job training

49%, After-school programs for teenagers

45%, Drug / alcoholic rehabilitation programs

45%, Daycare or childcare programs

41%, Reduce violence among families

38%, Food distribution

32% Programs for the elderly

31%, Providing shelter for the homeless

29%, Reduce violence in the community

26%, Adequate housing

21%, Voter registration.

Certainly people’s needs will vary from place to place according to economic level and other factors including proficiency in English, but these are good ideas of how to serve especially our Hispanic neighbors who are newer to this country – but they also apply well to anyone else we want to reach out to and serve. What’s Working best in your Community for Reaching out to your Hispanic neighbors?

By Leadership Network on November 6th, 2013. www.leadnet.org. Used by permission.

 

 

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Articles

Great Leaders: Ten Characteristics to Cultivate

by Randy Carlson
written by Randy Carlson

Leadership is a concept a person is either drawn to or one they push away. You may not see yourself as a leader, but without leadership, your family will go in lots of different directions. In fact, Scripture says, Where there is no vision, the people perish. (Proverbs 29:18). It is the responsibility of the leader to bring vision to a group.

One observation I’ve made in my years of counseling is that when there is a lack of leadership, chaos exists. This is true within a family. Families need leadership in order to live and grow successfully. Leadership is not optional—nor is it something that can be delegated to other people. It’s up to me to be a leader in my family, or a co-leader with my spouse in the family.

Here are ten characteristics of great leaders to keep in mind as you strive to become a great leader in your marriage, as a parent, in business and in the areas of influence God has given you.

Great leaders:

  1. Listen to their followers. Listening is an art. It requires discipline and practice.
  2. Envision a positive future. They have the ability to see a better future than the present.
  3. Anticipate problems. Leaders are emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially and financially prepared with a plan of action for the unexpected.
  4. Train their followers. Great leaders come alongside their followers and help them, train them and encourage them in the process they are navigating.
  5. Expect the best from others. They know you are most likely to receive what you expect from people. If they expect the best, they usually get the best.
  6. Rely on others. They give those who follow them responsibility. They delegate, hold them accountable and trust that they will follow through.
  7. Serve their followers. Servant leadership understands it’s not the idea, “I’m in charge; I’m the boss, and I’m barking out the orders. But it’s the realization that “I’m here to serve you. I’m here to help you become successful.”
  8. Handle the most difficult situations. They show up and model what it means to lead in the middle of a conflict, fray or problem.
  9. Ignite enthusiasm. Great leaders bring hope and sustainability to others. They keep others going as they move into the future, together.
  10. Practice what they preach. They not only preach it, but they live it in a way that their actions demonstrate their convictions.

Intentional ONE THING Challenge

If you could do ONE THING and know that, it would make a significant, lasting, possibly life-changing difference in your life, would you do it? Dr. Carlson shares the power of ONE THING and why you should get started doing your ONE THING today.

http://www.theintentionallife.com/ Used by permission.

– See more at: www.theintentionallife.com/ten-characteristics-great-leaders/

 

 

 

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Articles

Christ’s Victory Over A Quick Temper

by Max Lucado
written by Max Lucado

“They do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Thirty-seven years old. Thin, almost frail. Balding and bespectacled. An electronics buff. Law-abiding and tired. Certainly not a description you would give a vigilante.

But that didn’t bother the American public. When Bernhard Hugo Goetz blasted four would-be muggers in a New York subway, he instantly became a hero.

It’s not hard to see why.

Bernhard Goetz was an American fantasy come true. He did what every citizen wants to do. He fought back. He “kicked the villain in the nose.” He “clobbered evil over the head.”

This unassuming hero embodied a nationwide, even worldwide anger: a passion for revenge. People are mad. People are angry. There is a pent-up, boiling rage that causes us to toast a man who fearlessly (of fearfully) says, “I ain’t taking it no more!” and then comes out with a hot pistol in each hand.

We’re tired. We’re tired of being bullied, harassed, and intimidated. We’re weary of the serial murderers, rapists, and hired assassins.

We’re angry at someone, but we don’t know who. We’re scared of something, but we don’t know what. We want to fight back, but we don’t know how. And then, when a modern-day Wyatt Earp walks onto the scene, we applaud him. He is speaking for us! “That-a-way to go, Thug-buster; that’s the way to do it!”

Or is it? Is that really the way to do it? Let’s think about our anger for just a minute.

Anger. It’s a peculiar yet predictable emotion. It begins as a drop of water. An irritant. A frustration. Nothing big, Just an aggravation. Someone gets your parking place. Someone pulls in front of you on the freeway. A waitress is slow and you are in a hurry. The toast burns. Drops of water. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Yet, get enough of these seemingly innocent drops of anger and before long you’ve got a bucket full of rage. Walking revenge. Blind bitterness. Unharnessed hatred. We trust no one and bare our teeth at anyone who gets near. We become walking time bombs that, given just the right tension and fear, could explode like Mr. Goetz.

Now, is that any way to live? What good has hatred ever brought? What hope has anger ever created? What problems have ever been resolved by revenge?

Yet, what do we do? We can’t deny that our anger exists. How do we harness it? A good option is found in Luke 23:34. Here, Jesus speaks about the mob that killed him. “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Have you ever wondered how Jesus kept from retaliating? Have you ever asked how he kept his control? Here’s the answer. It’s the second part of his statement: “for they do not know what they are doing.” Look carefully. It’s as if Jesus considered this bloodthirsty, death-hungry crowd not as murderers, but as victims. It’s as if he regarded them not as a militant mob but, as he put it, as “sheep without a shepherd.”

“They don’t know what they are doing.”

And when you think about it, they didn’t. They hadn’t the faintest idea what they were doing. They were a stir-crazy mob, mad at something they couldn’t see so they took it out on, of all people, God. But they didn’t know what they were doing.

And for the most part, neither do we. We are still, as much as we hate to admit it, shepherdless sheep. All we know is that we were born out of one eternity and are frighteningly close to another. We play tag with the fuzzy realities of death and pain. We can’t answer our own questions about love and hurt. We can’t keep ourselves out of war. We can’t even keep ourselves fed.

Paul spoke for humanity when he confessed, “I do not know what I am doing.”1

Now, I know that doesn’t justify anything. That doesn’t justify hit-and-run drivers or kiddie-porn peddlers or heroin dealers. But it does help explain why they do the miserable things they do.

My point is this: Uncontrolled anger won’t better our world, but sympathetic understanding will. Once we see the world and ourselves for what we are, we can help. Once we understand ourselves we begin to operate not from a posture of anger but of compassion and concern. We look at the world not with bitter frowns but with extended hands. We realize that the lights are out and a lot of people are stumbling in the darkness. So we light candles.

As Michelangelo said, “We criticize by creating.” Instead of fighting back we help out. We go to the ghettos. We teach in the schools. We build hospitals and help orphans…and we put away our guns.

“They do not know what they are doing.”

There is something about understanding the world that makes us want to save it, even to die for it.

Anger? Anger never did anyone any good. Understanding? Well, the results are not as quick as the vigilante’s bullet, but they are certainly much more constructive.

For more of Max Lucado’s insights, see upwords.com

 

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