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Ask Roger

How Do I Stop Grieving My Child’s Death?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Hello Roger,

 

You have mentioned you lost a child. I am a 42 year old wife of four years. My now husband lost his daughter in a car accident two years before we met. She was seventeen and I never knew her. He never wants to talk about it but yet the house is full of pictures of her and her room is exactly the way she left it with folded clothes on the bed.

If I bring anything up I feel like I’m trespassing into his life. I have been supportive at graveside visits and have made Christmas Wreaths and have went out of my way to be compassionate. I feel that if he moves on with his life by cleaning out the room he feels like he didn’t or doesn’t love her. I don’t know if he has any unresolved guilt or regrets.

He holds on so tight to her that it paralyzes him in so many ways. As his wife should I step in and clean out the room. To help him the way he is not able to help himself. Or should I just leave it alone and hope eventually it will work itself out?? It has been six years now since her death. Not really sure how to help him.

Thank You! Terry

 

Dear Terry,

While your husband is acting a little strangely, six years is not a long time to still be dealing with all the emotional hurt and pain. In his case I would recommend not too be in too big of a hurry. Thirty-seven after we lost Jessie I still occasionally see Jessie’s picture and think of what she would be like as a young woman and the thoughts bring tears to my eyes.

 

After Jessie died, my wife Julie did not look at her picture or mention her until 17 years later. One day she just “broke” and out came so much hurt and pain. She wept for over an hour and a half. Seventeen years is a long time to bury such suffering.

 

The best thing you can do is try to comfort him. Jesus says that those who hurt need comfort (Matthew 5).

 

Tell him how sorry you are. Tell him that you feel deeply the hurt and pain he is enduring. These are words of comfort.

 

There are six major stages that your husband will need to work through in order to be fully healed.

 

The stages are:

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Grief

4. Anger

5. Depression

6. Resolution

 

These stages often occur in this order but they don’t have to. In fact, they seldom do. We usually are working on one or more simultaneously.

 

It sounds as if your husband is still in the shock and denial stage. He may be enduring depression as suggested by his behavior. You might ask him about the possibility of depression and get him to take a simple depression test (on line–takes about 3 minutes and instantly scored.)

 

Many people work through all of the stages and get healed as they pick up the pieces of their lives and move on. Some, unfortunately, never get to step six and thus short circuit the healing process.

 

My advice is to give him room and time to work through these stages. You might even mention them to him and help him to self diagnose which stage or stages he is in.

 

You are probably right in some of your wonderings. He may have many regrets. He may struggle with his love for her. Maybe her death had something to do with a divorce. These issues will probably need some personal counseling. Pray that the day will come when he may be willing to deal with these issues in a positive way.

 

I am sorry for his pain–and yours. I will pray that soon he will be emotionally restored and on the way toward many great days ahead.

Let me know how well you and he are getting along.

Love, Roger

 

 

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Devotionals

What is My Hope for the Future?

by Drew Anderson
written by Drew Anderson

What is Hope from a Biblical Perspective?

Hope is a word used in the Bible both as a verb and a noun. It has a range of connotations, but mainly points to a future expectation of fulfillment. In fact, according to BDAG it means, “…to look forward to something, with implication of confidence about something coming to pass.”

What is the Object of Biblical Hope?

The object of biblical hope is God. He created, He sustains, and He will bring all things to completion. In a phrase, He is the Alpha and the Omega…the beginning and the end. That’s why Paul could say, “For it is for this we labor and strive, because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of believers” -1 Timothy 4:10. And Peter could say, “...fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ” -1 Peter 1:13. In other words, there is a future in Christ that will not disappoint, and it is based on His grace which will not run dry.

Putting it All Together.

As the academic year of 2020/21 came to a close in May many high school graduates asked themselves–at some point–what is my hope for the future?

Some answered: academics…athletics…job…friends…relationships…school…fun…time to myself…finding my purpose in life…etc. While all these are wonderful and fruitful experiences and endeavors, they ultimately will run dry.

The educational route ends. The professional route ends. The relational route ends. The friendship route ends. Everything in this life is temporary except for God, His Word, and our souls. The greatest hope is the hope found in knowing, loving, sharing, and waiting for our Lord to return.

As parents, as churches, and as those who are discipling this new generation of adults, one of the greatest gifts we can give our graduating seniors is our hope in Christ…His return…and His establishment of a kingdom wherein righteousness dwells.

And this begins everyday with our time fixing our hope on my Lord…through His Word.

Thus, we can say with the Apostle Paul…

“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.”
Titus 2:11-14 (emphasis mine)

 

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Devotionals

Now We Are With Christ

by Abraham Kuruvilla
written by Abraham Kuruvilla

Believers, once in dire straits, but now sharing Christ’s exaltation, demonstrate to the universe God’s mercy, love, grace, and kindness as they undertake good works. Ephesians 2:1-10

Prior to regeneration, the sphere of the Ephesians’ life was governed by evil influences (Eph 2:2–3), so much so, unbelievers are referred to as “sons of disobedience.” These are people characterized by disobedient lives. They are rebels against God, and their fate is divine punishment: the “sons of disobedience” become “children of wrath” (2:3). A total pervasiveness of sin in every aspect of pre-Christian life is characteristic of such people “by nature” (2:3): humanity is born dead to God.

Verses 5–6 contain the three main verbs of the single sentence of 2:1–7, describing three divine operations, each prefixed with the Greek preposition syn- (“with,” translated as the prefix “co-”): synezōopoiēsen, synēgeiren, and synekathisen (“co-enlivened,” “co-raised,” and “co-seated”; 2:5, 6). All three indicate identification “with” Jesus Christ with whom believers were made alive, raised, and seated. The point is reinforced by “with Christ” and “in Christ” in 2:5, 6. The similarities between the raising up and seating of Christ and that of believers are striking (1:20; 2:6). This is a shared destiny: what is true of Christ, is also true of believers!

A number of contrasts are visible within 2:1–10 that develop the pericope’s thrust: “dead” in sin (2:1, 5) vs. “co-enlivened” (2:5); following the “course of this world” and the dictates of evil entities (2:2) vs. being related intimately to Christ and exalted with him in the heavenlies (2:5–6); and God’s wrath (2:3) vs. God’s mercy, love, grace, and kindness (2:4, 5, 7). There has also been a change of lineage: from doomed “by nature” (2:3) to exalted “in Christ” (2:5–6).

The referent of “this” in 2:8 (and implied in 2:9) is best seen as referring to the entire process of God’s saving work. God’s glorious salvation is, all of it, a gift from God. Paul pointedly makes it clear by a deviation from normal word order: 2:8c literally has “of God the gift,” thus juxtaposing “of yourselves” with “of God”—making 2:8bc read: “and this not of yourselves, of God the gift.”

This salvation wrought by God was a public demonstration, even proof (endeiknymi, “to show/prove,” 2:7), of divine grace and kindness—an eternal display on a cosmic scale. Thus, God’s concern is not restricted to individuals or even to the community of his people; it involves the whole of creation. All of this is part of the consummation of all things in Christ (1:9–10), for the glory of God (1:6, 12, 14).

“Workmanship” (poiēma, 2:10), is used elsewhere by Paul in Rom 1:20 for the creation of the universe. Here, then, is a second creation, of sorts, in Eph 2:10. In fact, the verb used here, ktizō (“create”), is employed in Ephesians only for the first creation of the universe (3:9) and for this second creation of a new peoples (here and in 2:15; 4:24)—both works of God.

This pericope, 2:1–10, is bounded on either side by peripatein, “to walk/live” (in 2:2 and 2:10). Thus, there is also the contrast in lifestyles between those who once “walked” in the evil way (2:1–2), and those who are now to “walk” in God’s way (2:10). Notice the parallels (following the word order in the Greek text): 2:1–2 has “in transgressions and sins … in which you formerly walked”; and 2:10 has “for good works … in them we may walk.” Thus, though salvation is not “of works” (2:9), the outcome is “for … works” (2:10), already prepared by God for his people to undertake. This is the future role of believers as they participate in God’s magnificent scheme for the cosmos in Christ. This is why God acted in grace to save them.

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Bible Studies

What Do You Fear?

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

What are you afraid of? Bugs give me the willies. Always have, always will. If I had my way, I’d strap a ten-pound can of Raid to my back and wear a pair of size thirteen stomping shoes for spider-smushing. Today I want you to face your fears and give you godly guidance about how to exterminate them.

 

You may deny bug aversion, but everyone is scared of something. Just Google a list of phobias. Ablutophobia means fear of bathing. Men were born with that one. Arithmophobia is a fear of numbers. I’ve had that one since algebra. Alektraphobia is the fear of chickens. Colonel Sanders had that one, God rest his soul. Fears abound under every letter of the alphabet. You can have xyrophobia, fear of razors (my husband has that one, too), or zemmiphobia, fear of the great mole rat. Bats (the flying kind — not the wooden kind) give me the willies. Mice, snakes and aggressive geese cause me to shake and shiver. Losing my car in the mall parking lot is a perpetual fear, probably because I do it at least once a week. However, every other fear of mine pales in comparison to my bug loathing.

 

There are no creepy crawlers in heaven. How do I know? Insects are of the Devil. Remember the Egyptian plagues and the locusts of Revelation? Baal means “lord of the flies.” I rest my case. “Thus saith the Lord, ‘Neither buggeth, nor wormeth, nor roacheth nor spidereth shall inhabit my holy home.’” 1 Julie 1:24.

 

My abhorrence of all things “insectual” began at an early age. A wolf spider (not werewolf), a cricket (not Jiminy), a praying mantis (really an agnostic), a katydid (oh, no she didn’t), and a beetle (not the band) filled my mind with little girl terror. Invisible pest predators were the worst. During my preschool summer days, chiggers infested the lush bermuda grass in my backyard and took up residence between my toes. The more I scratched, the more they itched and scooted around underneath the skin on my lumpy feet. Daddy said nail polish would suffocate the little boogers, but Mom disagreed and washed me in a chigger soap that smelled like rotten eggs and black tar. The chiggers died, but nobody would sit next to me at Vacation Bible School.

 

Ladybugs and doodle bugs were safe “little girl” insects. Their bright red and black spotted shells made them fashion icons of the bug world. Florescent butterfly wings flapping in the breeze paled in comparison, fireflies glistening in the night sky were a “flash in the pan,” but ladybugs were practically perfect in every way. Lulu, our favorite ladybug, minded her manners when she scuttled up Kathy’s forearm, tickling only a little bit. She didn’t even holler when my little sister pulled off a leg or two.

 

So how do we eradicate the trepidation that torments us? Let’s take a look at three of Satan’s fearing attacks and see what God has to say about them.

 

Tarantula Fear

Job 3:25 “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.” NIV
The thud of defibrillator paddles rocked me to the core. “I can’t stand up,” my husband weakly whispered early one Sunday morning. Somehow I helped him limp to the car and I drove like a bat out of hell to the emergency room. He was in VTAC, a deadly heart rhythm that could claim his life. I stared my greatest fear in the face-losing my precious husband. He survived, but I died a little inside. Tarantula fears like death, disease and divorce can “sucker punch” you.

 

So how do you respond to tarantula fears?

Psalm 27:1 encourages us with God’s great power. “The LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” NIV The only reason Peter didn’t drown on the choppy Galilean sea was he kept his eyes on the face of his Master. How do you really do that? Spend time praising God, reading His Word and meditating on His faithful character. Ask Him to give you a heavenly perspective. Gaze on God and glance at your problem. I am not suggesting that your peace will come overnight, but in time I have found it to bring supernatural peace to my soul. I also have a close-knit group of prayer partners. Their faith encircles me and holds me up.

 

Black Widow Fear

John 3:25 “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.”NIV Deadly black widows lurk in corners, in dark places. Black widows are pretty. They don’t look dangerous, but their venomous bites are devastating.

 

Evan, my best friend’s son, was happily bobbing in the shallow end of the pool with my daughter Bronwyn at his side. Teresa, his mother, and I sat chatting in the poolside chairs beside our little charges. One second our kids were splashing away, and suddenly Evan was drowning before our very eyes. He was still standing in the water, but his blue eyes had a glassy stare and he was motionless. Evan wasn’t breathing. Teresa leapt in the pool, fished her baby out and began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. If we had looked away for a moment longer, Evan would have died.

 

Our inattentiveness almost cost Evan’s life in a nanosecond. Don’t let black widows sneak up on you. Stay out of dark corners. Clean out the cobwebs of your life. Overspend once, twice, and third time and suddenly you are drowning in debt. Now you are facing foreclosure on your home. You’re terrified. But you inched into the dark shadow of greed and it almost poisoned you.

 

Walk in God’s light and be hypervigilent.  Expect Satan to booby-trap you. Wear God’s armor, and keep yourself accountable to a godly brother or sister. The poet in Psalm 91: 9-14 says, “If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For He orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The LORD says, ‘I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.’” NIV

 

Ladybug Fear

Proverbs 19:23:“Fear of God is life itself, a full life, and serene—no nasty surprises.” The Message.

Ladybug fear is the fear of the LORD, the beginning of wisdom. Reverence God. Worship Him and get to know His character. Spend time in solitude and silence to calm your soul. Even if your teeny weak ladybug legs are pulled out from under you, you’re still in God’s huge hands. You can rest there, safe and sound. Tragedy has hit my family this year more than anytime in my life. But I’ve walked with God a long time now. I know He is faithful and never leaves my side.

My husband is a lot like God. I hold the firm belief that most women marry for the sole purpose of having someone large and brave around to do all of the cricket chasing and spider smashing. When I see something hairy or squiggly, I simply call my husband’s name and my hairy “shoe fairy” rescues me from peril. He is my strong, brave Terminator. I shall fear no weevil.

Portions taken from “Bored in Big Church: Recollections of a Church Brat and Tattletale.” by Julie Barrier. Order in paperback or Kindle on Amazon.

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Articles

Five Hidden Results of Shame

by Christine Caine
written by Christine Caine

Shame. Shame is the fear of being unworthy, and it adversely affects our relationship with God, others, and ourselves. Shame makes us feel small, unwanted, and unloved. And if we don’t learn how to identify and overcome it, shame will ruin our lives and keep us from fulfilling our destiny.

Shame was my companion from my earliest memories, a huge part of my life and identity. My classmates teased me for my Greek heritage, I felt cultural pressures at home to abandon my passions for sports and academics for those of traditional gender roles, and as a victim of sexual abuse, I was ashamed of the horrible things that happened to me.

No matter the source, shame is a powerfully painful emotion that shackles us in the prison of our pasts, and if we aren’t careful, we will stay there—missing out on the beautiful lives created for us. That is why it is so important for us to identify and deal with areas of shame in our life.

Here are five often-hidden consequences of shame that keep us from the life of freedom we were created for:

1. Shame whispers lies to our soul. Shame lies—big time. Even today, every now and then, unless I am vigilant, shame still tries to sneak up on me at unexpected times. Others will find out you are weak, then you will lose their respect and damage your ministry. Don’t be vulnerable! Only project strength.

In order for us not to believe the lies of shame, we must be rooted deeply in the truths of our self-worth and God’s love for us. When we hear the lies, rather than believe them, we must claim God’s truth and love for ourselves, robbing shame of the power it once held in our lives.

2. Shame hinders our ability to receive God’s unconditional love. The biggest lie that shame loves to tell is that we are unworthy. Unworthy of love. Unworthy of affection. Unworthy of inclusion. Unworthy of happiness. When we hear and believe these things day in and day out, it makes it nearly impossible to comprehend that there’s a love without conditions—a love that accepts us just the way we are. But the moment you start to move toward God’s unconditional love, your healing from shame will begin.

3. Shame prompts us to toss away the good gifts we are given. Shame has a way of manifesting in the nooks and crannies of our souls, keeping us from truly using and exploring the good gifts that God has placed inside of us. If we allow shame to keep us from using our good gifts, we will never be able to fully experience the life that God created with each of us in mind.

We need to recognize our value and understand that we are a gift—an expression of who God is—and the world needs what he has deposited in us.

4. Shame keeps us from seeking help. It’s sneaky like that, growing in shadowy places until those struggling with it are too ashamed to seek help from the very shame that enslaves them. It lives within women who worship beside you at church, work in the next cubicle, attend your workout class, entertain you on TV, smile at you from magazine covers, or live next door.

The challenge is that we’ve been shackled in the dark for so long that the darkness has crippled and immobilized us, but the only way that we can be healed from our shame is to acknowledge, uncover, and hold up our wounds to the One who can help. There is freedom on the other side, but we can’t get there on our own.

5. Shame teaches us to hide. For those of us schooled in shame, hiding is our go-to coping skill to guard ourselves against the pain of disapproval or judgment, condemnation or mockery, belittlement or exposure, or worse—just fill in the blank with your unique circumstance. Enough practice and we become masters at hiding from others and eventually ourselves.

But instead of hiding, we must choose to seek. We must choose to seek God’s love, his unconditional grace and acceptance. There’s an astounding promise that comes with his love—that nothing can separate you from it—not even shame.

If I can be set free from shame through the love of Jesus, than anyone can! I want everyone to experience his miraculous love. That’s why I’ve written the book, Unashamed. That’s why I travel and teach. That’s why I help others gain freedom through the work of A21. That’s why I reach out with Propel Women.

I want people to know that they too are free to choose to get up and get moving into the beautiful future God has for them, and discover an abundance of freedom.

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Articles

Can I Really Love Myself As God Loves Me?

by John Piper
written by John Piper

In the beginning, the earth was formless and void, but that did not deter the Almighty. He looked into the fathomless depth of its darkness and concluded, “All it needs is light!” Likewise, in the beginning of our spiritual lives, we also are “formless and void” and God, just as confidently, is still saying, “All they need is a little light!” Remember: it’s the Lord’s responsibility to create and our responsibility to submit to His creating.
The Lord only needs three things to fashion life. First, He needs a “nothing.” The Almighty always begins His great, creative works with a “nothing” (this is very important because this is where we come in.) Then, His Spirit needs to be hovering over the “nothing.” And, finally, He needs His Word, which is the “something” He’s going to put in the “nothing’s” place.


God has no difficulty at all creating something out of nothing. The only obstacle He faces is when the nothing doesn’t know it is nothing but instead thinks it’s something. At that point God has to break it back down to nothing before it is good for anything. (Are you still following me?) Paul said this better than I when he wrote,
“If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself” (Gal. 6:3).
Even as Christians, if we think we are “something” so that we look down on others or we are wise in our own eyes, we deceive ourselves! The only something there truly is, is God.

If we know we are nothing without God, and we can simultaneously recognize that the grace He has worked in us is so we can bless others. If we have such an attitude, then there is no limit to how much God can use us. Our knowing we are nothing is a great attainment in His eyes. For then our energies are no longer spent exalting or defending ourselves but in clinging to Christ and relying upon Him.

You see, God is not offended by chaos. There will be times when, like the pre-creation universe, you discover your life seems “formless and void.” Do not be over-concerned. When you discover there is “chaos” in the deepest part of you, do not fret. You are at a new beginning. It has taken the Lord quite a while helping your to appreciate your “nothingness.”

So, let all who know they are nothings rejoice: you are miles ahead of everyone who thinks they are something! The proud, who consider themselves something special, do not deal with the lightless regions of chaos in their souls; they simply hide them. But if we are transparent with our need, the Spirit and Word can work in us to bring life and order. All we need do is to open up and confess our nothingness to the Holy Spirit.
“For God, who said, ‘Light shall shine out of darkness,’ is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ” (2 Cor. 4:6).

This is the very way our great Creator creates. He causes light to shine out of darkness! The only thing He requires of us is to be honest about the darkness—to confess it instead of hiding it.
“Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them . . . But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light” (Eph. 5:11,13).

When darkness is exposed to the light, it becomes light. In fact, the very reason our darkness becomes visible is because God shines His light on it. If you persevere—if you continually thrust your darkness into the light of God’s grace and power—that light will ultimately shine out from within you. Your darkness will actually become light.

Beloved, if you know you are nothing in yourself, you’re a prime candidate to become something in God! Consider again Paul’s view of himself:
“If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ” (Phil. 3:4-7).

To become nothing in ourselves, to be excavated of pride and of being consumed by our attainments and pedigree, is part of the path to sonship. Paul actually saw all his human, religious attainments as obstacles. Certainly, in time the Lord used all of the elements of Paul’s life, but not before Paul gave them up to the Lord.

John the Baptist said, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). You see, though self-confidence dies, God-confidence comes to life!

So, do not fret. You can admit that you have areas within that are dead and dark. Romans 4:17 says,

“God . . . gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist.”

God gives LIFE to the dead. Do you sometimes feel dead? Good. You’re qualified to get God’s life! Look to God. Trust Him as your Creator. Do not fear when you discover you are nothing. There is a time when becoming nothing is an improvement.

www.desiringgod.org. Original article HERE. 

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Articles

What Happens If You Fail Again?

by Jeff Elkins
written by Jeff Elkins

My first college class was Music Theory. It started at eight in the morning every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Dr. Lia was the professor. His daily uniform consisted of thick black glasses, a striped tie, and a gray sweater-vest.

On the first day of class, I remember him storming into the room, running to the piano, and hammering out a series of chords as loudly and quickly as he could. Then he looked at the class and asked with enthusiasm, “Who’s was that? Who’s was it? Beethoven? Brahms? Who?” Before we could answer, he jumped to his feet and yelled in celebration, “It was Doctor Lia! Ha ha ha ha ha!” He began every class this way.

Our first test was three weeks into the semester. Being anxious about acing my first college exam, I studied hard the night before. Sometime after midnight, I fell asleep at my desk with my face in my theory book.

I forgot to set my alarm.

One of my roommates woke me up at eight-o-five. After clearing my head, I saw the time on my clock and panicked. I ran from my room in the clothes I had on and sprinted across campus as fast as I could. Sweaty, huffing, and exhausted, I arrived at the classroom and tried the door handle. It was locked. Pressing my hands against the small rectangular window, I peered in. Dr. Lia was sitting behind his desk watching the class. He made eye contact with me and smiled. Then he waved, pointed at his watch, wagged his finger “no,” and laughed.

Defeated, I pressed my back against the wall, sat down in the hallway, and waited. One by one my classmates exited the room and asked me what happened. Each time, my story grew more dramatic. I’d studied late into the night mulling over the problems of the theory book. My alarm clock had clearly broken because there was no way I had forgotten to set it. And my roommates were complete ogres who had waited until the last minute to wake me up, probably on purpose. Each one of my classmates offered the appropriate amount of sympathy and condolences.

Dr. Lai was the final person to exit the classroom. He didn’t stop to ask me what had happened. Rather, he continued on to his office, calling over his shoulder, “Follow me. Follow me.” I stood and chased after him, struggling to keep up with his brisk pace. He entered his office without speaking a word to me. It was a small room covered in jammed packed bookcases with a paper-cluttered desk in the middle that faced the door. Dr. Lai sat in the chair behind the desk and began shuffling through one of the many piles of papers.

Not waiting for his acknowledgment, I launched into my explanation. “I’m so sorry… I was studying really hard last night… My alarm… My stupid roommates… I lost track of time… I promise I was studying… I’m really sorry… I was just five minutes late… Is it common practice to lock the door on a test day? Did I say I was sorry? I know you have another class at ten. Is there any way I could take the test with them?”

My last question caught his attention. He looked up from the pile of paper he was shuffling through and said with a smile, “Oh no. You failed.”

My heart sank. Tears formed in my eyes. I was crushed and confused. “But I’ve never failed a test,” I said. “I can’t get an F in my first class.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” he said beaming. “There are more tests. You won’t fail the class.”

“Oh thank you, Dr. Lia,” I said, backing out of his office. “Thank you so much. I promise I’ll do better next time.”

“Yeah,” he called. “You’re okay.” Then he added with enthusiasm, “Unless you fail again! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

The lesson I learned: Failure happens. Just try not to make a habit of it.

If you enjoyed this piece and want to follow my writing, I’d be honored if you would subscribe to my free newsletter. Each subscriber gets a free urban fantasy novella. Click here to subscribe.

https://medium.com/@jffelkins/

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Articles

Is It Okay to Be Self-Conscious?

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

“All of you, leaders and followers alike, are to be down to earth with each other, for— God has had it with the proud, But takes delight in just plain people.”

1 Peter 5:5 MSG

 

This post will be good news to everyone, except narcissists.

Good news: When you’re in public, people don’t notice you as much as you think they do.

We often think people are observing us when they’re not. We worry about the clothes we wear because we think people notice; they don’t. We’re overly self-conscious about how we act; no need to be.

Social scientists call this the “spotlight effect.” It’s our tendency to think we’re being noticed more than we really are.

Dozens of studies in social psychology have supported this phenomenon. In one test, psychologists asked some college students to wear bright yellow Barry Manilow t-shirts to a large introduction to psychology class. After the class, they asked the students who wore the tacky t-shirt to estimate how many of their classmates noticed them. Then the researchers asked the students in the classroom how many had noticed their classmates wearing the t-shirts. Few students had noticed those wearing the t-shirts; those who wore the t-shirts greatly overestimated the number of people who had noticed.

So what explains the “spotlight effect”? Scientists conclude it is the result of egocentrism. We all are the center of our own universes so it’s hard to develop an accurate evaluation of how much we are noticed. The “spotlight effect” manifests from the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one’s own world, one is not the center of everyone else’s. This tendency is especially prominent when one does something atypical.

The spotlight effect does not necessarily imply that we are arrogant or value ourselves more than others, but that our perception of the world is primarily from our own perspective and even what we think other people think of us is self-imposed.

Don’t confuse being self-aware with being self-conscious. The former is good and necessary for emotional health and proper social interactions. But the term self-conscious usually describes someone who is ill at ease or uncomfortable with himself/herself as an object of the observation of others. Symptoms of being self-conscious include: getting angry or hostile when embarrassed; avoiding social experiences; blaming others for one’s mistakes; blaming yourself for other people’s mistakes; low self-esteem; and feeling agitated, anxious, depressed, or nervous based on what you think other people think of you.

There’s no simple solution to our struggle with being self-conscious; it’s a complicated issue. If you struggle inordinately, visit with a trained counselor. 

This post simply offers insight that might bring some relief: people are not noticing you as much as you think they are.

www.donmcminn.com. Used by permission. 

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Sermons

Should I Care What You Think?

by Ryan Leak
written by Ryan Leak

In a world dominated by social media, it is easy to compare ourselves to others and to become discontent with our lives. It is also easy for us to judge others because of their lifestyles while claiming we don’t care what other people think of ours. But the truth is we care what other people think, and we struggle with the same insecurities as those around us.

Join us for the kick-off of “Honest Slogans” to learn how we can view ourselves and others in a more positive way.

Preached at Chase Oaks Church. Used by permission.

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Articles

Talking with Your Child about Violence, War and the News

by Larry Barber
written by Larry Barber

“Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 NIV

Do you know how to comfort and reassure your children?

When tragedy, disease and death strike as they have in recent news headlines, we adults often feel the need to protect our children, but that is impossible. With the age of technology and instant communications around the world through television, internet and social media, children can be witness to tragic and horrifying life events.

As adult role models and caretakers of the children around us we are challenged in two ways when disaster or tragedy strike on either a personal or community wide level. First we have to process our own feelings of grief and distress, and then we need to help our children do the same.

As a parent, guardian, teacher or caregiver to children, you can’t shield children from traumatic events or grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, and help them feel safer. This is important to remember: By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help children build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future, and to instill in themselves confidence that they can overcome adversity when it happens.

1. Be there to break the news or explain what happened to the children if possible.

When a tragic event happens that will get wide coverage, don’t delay telling your children about what’s happened: It’s much better for the child if someone they know and feel safe with is the one who tells them the bad news. It would be better if the news comes from you or another safe person in the child’s life rather than from some other child, a television news report, or the headlines on the front page of your newspaper. The event may be less shocking or traumatic if you or another safe adult in the child’s life is able to convey the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone.

2. Watch the child’s reactions and follow their lead.

Ask the child to tell you anything that they may have heard about the tragic event, and then ask how they are feeling about the news. Allow the child the emotional time and space to process what has happened and the opportunity to ask questions. You want to be prepared to answer the specific questions they have about the upsetting details. Do not give them information that they don’t ask for that may be unnecessary for them to know or particularly upsetting. Don’t prompt them with questions you think they might have. Your goal in answering their questions is to give them enough honest information about the event to avoid encouraging frightening fantasies. Don’t lie about the facts, but don’t scare the child either.

3. Be calm and set the emotional tone of the conversation.

It is fine to express your emotional responses to the tragic event. (Sometimes it may be necessary for you to express your overwhelming emotional responses with other adults, and talk to the children after you have had time to calm down and compose yourself.)

If you talk to the child about a traumatic experience in a highly emotional way, then he or she will likely react in a similar highly emotional way without fully comprehending what has happened. If you remain as calm as possible, the child will feel secure in listening to what is important in your message to them. If they sense you have lost control, they may be more traumatized by the news. Remember children in traumatic situations need to feel secure and safe. They will not feel safe or secure if you or other adults are extremely emotional.

4. Give the children assurance and a feeling that they are still safe and cared for.

Talking about a tragic accident, act of violence or death is especially tough because of how egocentric children are: most likely they will focus in on if something similar could happen to them or people that they care for. Therefore, it is important to reassure your child about how unusual this kind of event is. Also explain to them the measures or safeguards that have been taken to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them. Also assure them that this kind of event is investigated by authorities carefully, to identify causes and help prevent it from happening again. Answer questions they ask, and don’t be afraid to say you don’t know the answers if you don’t.

5. Give them permission to talk about their thoughts or emotions.

In all your discussions about the tragic event, you can suggest ways your child might remember those who have been affected or killed by the events. Letting them draw pictures or tell stories about the event

or loved ones lost to death. If you’re religious, going to church and your faith community could be extremely reassuring to the child. Always let the child know that they can feel safe to talk with you about anything they need to concerning the event. Also avoid trying to tell the child how they should feel or respond to the event. Let them tell you how they feel and respond without judging them.

6. Explain the event to children in language they can understand.

Don’t volunteer too much information which can be overwhelming… Do your best to answer honestly and clearly in language appropriate for their developmental stage. . Difficult conversations like this won’t be over in one session. You can expect children to return to the topic as many times as they personally need to come to terms with this experience.

7. Make yourself available and listen.

If your child is upset, just spending time with him or her will most likely make them feel safer. Children find great comfort in schedules and routines. Involve the whole family in doing ordinary things together, and that may be the most effective way to help your child heal from the trauma.

8. Remember those who die in tragic events on a regular basis.

Help to evoke memories of the people who die by drawing pictures, sharing stories, or with rituals like releasing balloons. Those times of remembering can all be good, positive ways to help provide healing time for a child. Remind the child that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others. Another form of remembering the person lost comes when doing something to help others in need: it can be therapeutic and help children not only feel good about themselves but learn a very healthy way to respond to trauma and grief.

www.grief-works.org

Dr. Larry Barber, Grief Works, Director

Co-Authored with Vicki Straughan, LMSW.

 

 

 

 

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Sermons

Resting in Faith: The Total Trust Theory

by Steven Furtick
written by Steven Furtick

God loves us. He has rescued us and He has a plan for us. These are some of the foundational statements our faith found in scripture. And when we read these words, it fuels our faith. We want to believe God is good. But we don’t live in a perfect world. So what if the circumstances of our lives don’t align with what God says? How do we keep our faith in the midst of struggles and trials and pains? Pastor Steven helps us establish a deep-rooted confidence in Christ, able to withstand challenges that can shake us at our foundation.

Preached at Elevation Church. Used by permission.

 

 

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