Comforter
Four of my closest friends are widows. Jennifer, a pastor’s wife, lost her godly spouse after his long, grueling bout with brain cancer. My friend Eileen walked into her bedroom to find her husband dead in his bed. Lance, 45, died of sleep apnea. Eileen just thought he was sleeping late. Debby lost her husband and almost lost 18-year-old son to COVID in the same week. Katy found her missionary husband on the kitchen floor, dead from a massive heart attack. Katy’s children reeled from the shock.
I have watched all of these women process the painful loss of their spouses. What do I say to them? How can I comfort them? I just chatted with Jennifer about life without Jerry. At first, she was relieved his agonizing fight was over. Then Easter Sunday came. Easter was Jerry’s busiest time at church. The ache of loss seemed overwhelming.
The world is full of widows. India, currently center stage during the COVID pandemic, has 41 million widows. According to one news outlet, “…most of us imagine an American woman in her 80s or 90s, but according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age of widows is 59 years old, but many are much younger. In fact, almost 2,800 women in the U.S. become widowed every day.”
We must come alongside our grieving friends with comfort, companionship and financial aid when they need it.
The Bible has some amazing promises about God’s love and protection for widows:
Psalm 68:5
“A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” KJV
Isaiah 54:5
“For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is His name” KJV
Exodus 22:22
“Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry.” KJV
God has a special place in His Heart for widows.
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A Widow needs to know she has her family’s support.
My friend Debby didn’t have time to grieve. Her husband died suddenly of COVID. She was in the hospital recovering from the debilitating disease herself. Her precious son was seriously ill as well. But the extended family didn’t rally around her. Instead, they called Debby incessantly asking if she had made funeral arrangements for her husband! Debby didn’t receive the comfort and support from her relatives. Instead, she felt isolated and abandoned.
Even in death Jesus cared for His widowed mother. The Bible tells us, “Near the cross of Jesus stood His mother, His mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Cleopas and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw His mother there, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home” (John 19:25-30). KJV
Paul affirmed this principle in 1 Timothy 5:3-8
“If a widow has family members to take care of her, let them learn that religion begins at their own doorstep and that they should pay back with gratitude some of what they have received. This pleases God immensely. Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That’s worse than refusing to believe in the first place.” LB
Many cultures in our world routinely have widows move in with family members. But in our highly mobile, affluent culture, we frequently leave the isolated, grieving widow to fend for herself.
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A widow needs emotional support.
My friend Eileen confided that losing her husband made her feel like she had lost a limb. Only part of her remained. It took a couple of years to discover who she was apart from Lance. All of her friends were couples. They felt awkward including her in their dinners and holiday celebrations. So, they left her alone. If it hadn’t been for her Sunday School friends and widow support group, she would have grieved so much longer.
The sweetest example of emotional support is expressed in the book of Ruth. Ruth recently lost her husband. But her mother-in-law Naomi had lost both her husband and sons. Instead of returning back to her home in Moab, Ruth chose to stay at Naomi’s side. Naomi instructed to go home to her own people.
“But Ruth replied, “Don’t make me leave you, for I want to go wherever you go and to live wherever you live; your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God; 17 I want to die where you die and be buried there. May the Lord do terrible things to me if I allow anything but death to separate us.” Ruth 1:16-17 LB
These verses are often used as marriage vows. Ruth made this precious vow to her mother-in-law!
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A widow needs to know that God loves her and that her loving friends and family are lifting her up in prayer.
Most psychologists agree that there are six stages of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
Every one of these stages challenges a widow’s faith. Why did a good God let this happen? Didn’t He want to answer my prayers for healing? What kind of God would abandon me after I loved Him so faithfully? Will He ever answer my prayers again?
Jennifer grew up in a pastor’s home. She served in her father’s church for as long as she could remember. Then she married a minister. The couple laid down their lives sharing their faith with others and ministering in the same church for forty years. I love both of them. And yet, even though Jennifer stands firm in her faith, most widows falter in believing God after suffering such a cruel blow.
Jesus looked upon the grieving widow of Nain and felt deep compassion for her. He raised her son from the dead and returned him to his mother (Luke 7:11-17)
“Not long after that, Jesus went to the village Nain. His disciples were with him, along with quite a large crowd. As they approached the village gate, they met a funeral procession—a woman’s only son was being carried out for burial. And the mother was a widow. When Jesus saw her, his heart broke. He said to her, “Don’t cry.” Then he went over and touched the coffin. The pallbearers stopped. He said, “Young man, I tell you: Get up.” The dead son sat up and began talking. Jesus presented him to his mother.” LB
I’m sure this widowed mother had renewed faith in a miraculous God.
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A WIDOW NEEDS TO KNOW HER LIFE IS NOT OVER. GOD CAN STILL USE HER IN SPECIAL WAYS.
When we pray for the beautiful women who have to re-build their lives after the loss of a spouse, we must pray for them to have intimacy with God as never before. We also must ask God to reveal how He can use them in this new phase of life.
My favorite passage about a widow who grew in her faith after her husband’s passing is the prophetess Anna, who recognized Baby Jesus as Messiah:
“Anna, a prophetess, was also there in the Temple that day…She was very old, for she had been a widow for eighty-four years following seven years of marriage. She never left the Temple but stayed there night and day, worshiping God by praying and often fasting.
She came along just as Simeon was talking with Mary and Joseph, and she also began thanking God and telling everyone in Jerusalem who had been awaiting the coming of the Savior that the Messiah had finally arrived.” Luke 2:36-38 NIV
Even though there are only a few short verses about Anna, I must believe that she had family and fellow believers who prayed for her in her tragedy. Katy, my missionary friend, could have given up her calling when her husband died. No one would blame her. She had serious, debilitating health problems. But she also had mighty prayer warriors who came alongside of her. Katy now leads Bible studies for diplomat’s wives at the United Nations in New York. She had seen countless women from around the world come to Christ. Just like Anna, Katy’s husband left “too soon.” But God opened doors for this faithful widow. Her ministry is miraculous.
I have been inspired and blessed by my precious friends who have lost their husbands. Mary, Ruth, Anna and the widow of Nain remind me that God deeply loves and protects widows. I want to comfort, pray and support them in every way. Look around. They are among you. They need you, too!
PSALM 23
David, the author of Psalm 23, illustrates the relational and covenantal nature of God from the vantage point of a shepherd taking care of his sheep. Just as sheep are totally and completely cared for by their shepherd, God’s people are looked after by their Lord; the Good Shepherd makes sure that He provides for His children.
God meets our needs. He meets the needs we are aware of, and He also meets the needs we don’t even know about. Regarding our spiritual needs, often what we need spiritually, we won’t desire in the flesh. God will make us lie down (vv. 2-3a) to give us the restoration and rest our soul needs. He gives us places of comfort so we can refocus on Him, recharge and be restored to full capacity.
God meets our directional needs as well (v. 3b). Because we are sheep that are in constant need of guidance, God is our ultimate personal shepherd. The Lord God guides us like a modern-day GPS. When we get off a righteous course due to our own disobedience, God recalibrates our lives, course-corrects us and fully reconnects us with Him. So many people do not recognize or guard against getting direction from the wrong GPS — secular culture, the media, friends, or even personal opinion. God wants to lead in His way, and if we get off track, He guides us to get back on track.
In addition to spiritual and directional needs, God offers to meet our emotional needs (v. 4). Sheep are easily emotionally stressed by events that are not as bad as they appear. For example, when sheep find themselves in the shadows, they interpret the lower light they experience as darkness to be feared. Because of the inability of sheep to see the big picture, they assume that the darkness signals that they are in the dead of night. As a result, they operate in fear. Many believers similarly allow temporary difficulties or challenges to cast a shadow on how they operate and move through life. Gripped by fear or paralyzed by other negative emotions, they do not turn to God and allow Him to lead them. God wants to calm our fears and help us confidently trust in Him and His ability to lead us well.
Beyond our spiritual, directional and emotional needs, our physical needs can be met by God, too. Just like a shepherd feeds his sheep when they are hungry and cares for his sheep when they are wounded, God cares for the tangible, physical needs of His people. In Psalm 37:25b, David says, “I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.” God cares for His people when they are hurting. Scripture says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Ps 147:3). God is an overflowing source of provision, and His provision never runs dry.
Because we are spiritual creatures who do not live on Earth forever, God can meet our eternal needs. He is preparing a place for us (John 14:3). He wants us to love Him and intentionally pursue His goodness with eternity in mind. We serve a God who is comprehensive. He can meet all our needs as we follow Him and trust Him. When we understand how God leads, cares for, guides, and protects His own, we can confidently lean on Him and look to Him as our Good Shepherd.
- While all the needs mentioned can surface at any time, the current COVID-19 situation has pushed specific needs to the surface for many. What area of need has come to the forefront for you because of the global pandemic?
Let’s Get Personal
• Do you trust God as your Good Shepherd? How do you know? Do you exemplify your trust by following His lead?
• How has God proved Himself to be a Good Shepherd in your life? In what ways has He tangibly provided for you spiritually, directionally, emotionally or physically?
• Go deeper! What specific spiritual, directional, emotional or physical needs in your life do you believe you most need God to meet? Share your particular request with your group and talk about what you are hoping God will do to meet your need as your shepherd.
Take The Next Step
- Are you sure that your eternal need has been met? Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior? Are you living a life surrendered to Him in preparation for an eternity in God’s presence?
- God often works to meet the needs of believers as they work to meet the needs of others. How are you allowing yourself to be a vessel that God can use to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a world that needs to know He can practically and tangibly meet their needs?
- Want to go deeper? Take a look at the following passages: Psalm 37:25; 147:3; John 14:3; Ephesians 3:20.
RENEW YOUR MIND
“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1
Dear Roger,
We hear a lot about God the father and Jesus the Son but we seldom hear anything about God the Holy Spirit. The subject of the Holy Spirit came up in one of our recent Bible studies and most of us had no idea what He did. Can you give us a short summary of his work, His responsibilities, what He does for us and how He interacts with us?
Sincerely, Kendall
Dear Kendall,
The Short Answer Is That God The Father Was The Architect Who Designed The Universe. Jesus The Son Was The Contractor Who Built the universe. The Holy Spirit Is The Person Who Keeps It All Running.
THE PROMISE OF HIS COMING
“Now I am going to him who sent me . . . Because I said these things you are filled with grief. But I tell you the truth: it is for your good that I’m going away. Unless I go way the counselor will not come to you, but if I go, I will send him to you (John 14: 6-7).
Up to this time, Jesus had always been there. Now He’s going away. While the disciples were filled with consternation, He said that Another Person just as divine, just as helpful, just as compassionate as he was coming to take His place.
There was nothing encouraging about his leaving that sounded good to his disciples.
The Greek word “parakletos” is the word Jesus used to describe the one that he was sending. The word may be translated in several ways; “comforter; one called alongside another; encourager; counselor or exhorter.”
Up to this time, Jesus had been their “parakletos”, their divine friend always near and at hand. For example, on one occasion, they were perplexed on the subject of prayer, and they said to Jesus, “Lord, teach us to pray,” and He taught them to pray.
In his earthly body Jesus could only be in one place at one time. When he was talking to Nicodemus in Jerusalem (John 3: 1-21) He couldn’t simultaneously be with the woman at the well in Sumaria (John 4:1-36).
When the Holy Spirit came on Pentecost and indwelt 120 Christ Followers, the Holy Spirit could be with all of them, everywhere, all the time (Acts 2:2-4).
By the way, the Holy Spirit is the one who actually regenerates and indwells our soul at the moment of our salvation.
When we are leading someone to Christ we often say, “Let Jesus come into your heart.” That’s not exactly correct. The Holy Spirit is the agent of regeneration. It is the Holy Spirit who now indwells our spirit at conversion as we receive Christ as our personal Lord and Savior.
Then, where is Jesus? Jesus is now at the Right Hand of the Father in heaven (Acts 7: 54-56).
Don’t over or under react to the idea of whether or not it is all right to tell someone that they can the invite Jesus into their heart. Since both Jesus and the Holy Spirit are God, there is no contradiction (John 3:20).
It is the presence of the Spirit in one’s life which makes him a Christian. He permanently indwells every believer. His entrance is not to be repeated (Romans 8: 28-35).
THE DISPLACED MEMBER OF THE GODHEAD.
Since the passing of the first few generations of Christianity, no doctrine of Christian faith has been so neglected as that of the Holy Spirit. The Apostle’s Creed contains ten articles on the Person and Work of Christ, but only one on the Holy Spirit.
Practically, most of us Christians could well identify with the answer of the Ephesian disciples of John the Baptist to Paul when Paul asked them: “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” The Ephesians replied: “No, we have never even heard that there is a Holy Spirit” (Acts 19:2).
HOW THE HOLY SPIRIT INTERACTS WITH US
- Living the Christian life is a daily focus on walking in the spirit, listening to his voice and doing what he says. The Holy Spirit is the “enabler” who makes it possible for the Christian to live daily for Christ.
- The “filling of the spirit” means a full surrender to the life of Christ. Our experience upward in the life of Christ is in direct proportion to our experience downward in ceasing from self.
“Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to democracy. Instead, be filled with the spirit” (Ephesians 5:17-18).
- The fullness (or filling) of the Spirit is a variable and must be repeated often (Ephesians 5:18).
- Sin dirties our souls and inhibits our ability for the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Quenching the Spirit closes our ears so that we are unable to hear his directions.
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16).
- The Holy Spirit prays for us (Romans 8:26). He is actively making intercession (praying) for us before God the Father.
“And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” (Romans 8:27).
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When we pray with our minds we pray about what we know. When we pray with our spirit we enter into the very throne room of God during which we speak to God human spirit to Holy Spirit.
“So what shall I do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will also pray with my mind; I will sing with my spirit; but I shall also sing with my mind” (1 Corinthians 14:15).
- The Holy Spirit teaches us. Can it get any better than for the author of the Bible to teach and interpret it for us!
“But the counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I’ve said to you” (John l4:26).
- The basic work of the Holy Spirit is to glorify Christ (John 16:14).
“He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you” (John 16:14).
One of the best ways that we glorify God is to let people see how we handle victoriously our troubles and trials.
- From a practical standpoint, if the Holy Spirit is considered as merely an influence or power, our thought will constantly be, “How can I get hold of the Holy Spirit and use it.” On the other hand, recognizing Him as a person, our thought will be, “How can the Holy Spirit get hold of me and use me?”
- The Holy Spirit is intricately involved in the convicting dimension of evangelism.
He convicts people of the sin of not believing in Jesus. He convicts of righteousness to show people that they’re not good enough for heaven. He convicts of judgment to come because Satan now controls the world (John 16:8-11).
AT LEAST SIX SYMBOLS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT HELP US UNDERSTAND THE TRUE NATURE OF HIS WORK.
Read each symbolic description carefully and then picture yourself living out each characteristic in conjunction with the Holy Spirit.
Then, think of some practical ways that you can actually experience each symbol along with God the father, God the son, God the Holy Spirit – and yourself – in daily walking with the Spirit.
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A DOVE
As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting upon him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my son whom I love; with whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:l6).
In Scripture the Dove has many traits:
(1) Love (Song of Solomon 5:2)
(2) Purity (Song of Solomon 5:2)
(3) Peace (Genesis 8:8-12)
(4) Modesty (Song of Solomon 2:14)
(5) Innocence; (Matthew10: 16)
(6) Beauty (Psalm 68:13)
(7) Gentleness (Isaiah 59:11)
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WATER
Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said streams of living water will flow from within him. By this he meant the Spirit (John 7:37-39).”
The Spirit is like a spring overflowing. As the Spirit is in the believer, he/she overflows like spring water to refresh and quench the thirst of him/her and others.
Jesus offered the woman at the well (John 4) a bucket of running water which would last forever. It took her a while, but finally she understood what he was offering. The bucket overflowed to reach an old town with salvation.
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WIND
“You should not be surprised at my saying, you must be born again. I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit.. . . The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear it’s sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone who is born of the spirit” (John 3:8).
Air is everywhere, touching and sustaining all things. As wind can get into every nook and cranny, so the spirit is able to move throughout a believer’s life analyzing, judging and empowering whatever their need might want what was the matter be.
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FIRE
Fire in the Scripture mainly represents the presence of God. For example, this is seen in the burning bush (Exodus3: 1-3) and from Elijah’s calling down fire from heaven to defeat the 400 prophets of Baal (1 Kings 17 and is climaxed with the Holy Spirit coming as tongues of fire on Pentecost.
The fire is also a symbol of God’s purifying action. So the Holy Spirit is seen as showing God’s presence as well as his work of cleaning and burning (purging, if you will) the sins out of the life of every believer (Acts 2:3).
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OIL
Oil in the Bible is usually used to signify power for service and as illumination.
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor” (Luke 4:18).
“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you . . .” (Acts 1:8).
The mighty works of Jesus were done in the power of the Holy Spirit (Luke 4:18; and Acts 10:38). We have no power in ministry before God without the anointing of the Holy Spirit.
We may equate the anointing of the Holy Spirit with the filling of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5:18.
Just so, upon us the anointing of the Holy Spirit must come (Acts 1:8) in order for us to provide for powerful service and for shining the true light that has come into the world (John 1:4-9).
Oil is also used to give light. In the Old Testament, holy oil alone continually lighted the temple. In the same way, the Spirit lights and illumines Christ before our eyes. The most beautiful illustration of the work of divine oil is found in Zechariah 4:2-6.
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OUR GUARANTEE
“And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession – to the praise of his glory” (Ephesians 1:13-14).
The word “guarantee” in Greek is “arrabon”, which refers to a down payment or first installment.
The Holy Spirit is God’s first installment of a greater life which is waiting for us in heaven.
Our inheritance, our salvation, our glory, our fellowship with God, our likeness unto Him, our freedom from sin and its evils, are all down payments represented and assured by the “first installment or guarantee of the Holy Spirit.
Well, Kendall, I hope this answers your question. If you have more, please let me know.
Love, Roger
Some of the best advice I’ve heard about how to deal with people who are grieving is to walk softly around a broken heart. Brokenhearted people need hope, and hope is a process, as we see in John 20.
This chapter tells the story of a woman who was in deep distress and grief: Mary Magdalene came to Jesus’ empty tomb and thought someone had stolen His body. But Jesus came along and, through a simple and loving process, brought her immense hope. Let’s look at four principles from this text about how to approach someone who’s experiencing sorrow:
1. Crying is natural. “Mary stood outside by the tomb weeping” (v. 11). Mary’s tears flowed freely—the Greek word for weep means to wail loudly—because crying is natural. God designed us to cry. In fact, it is unhealthy to suppress your tears when you go through grief and loss. Jesus Himself wept (see John 11:35), and He takes note of all the times we weep (see Psalm 56:8).
2. Questions are helpful. The angels who were sitting in the tomb asked Mary, “‘Woman, why are you weeping?’ She said to them, ‘Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him.’ Now when she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, and did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?'” (vv. 13-15).
I’ve discovered that when a person is suffering or brokenhearted, asking them the right questions can help redirect their thinking and raise them to a higher level of faith and trust. Here, it was as if Jesus was saying, “Mary, could there be another explanation for an empty tomb other than the body was stolen—like a resurrection?”
3. Comprehension is gradual. Mary incorrectly assumed Jesus was the gardener (see v. 15), but then He said to her, “‘Mary!’ She turned and said to Him, ‘Rabboni!’ (which is to say, Teacher)” (v. 16). How did she recognize Jesus? She knew His voice (see John 10:4, 11) because she had been in His presence long enough to recognize it. In the same way, when you spend time listening to the voice of God in Scripture, you will come to recognize His voice. Mary’s comprehension was gradual, but she eventually got it.
4. Commission is needful. “Jesus said to her, ‘Do not cling to Me, for I have not yet ascended to My Father; but go to My brethren and say to them, ‘I am ascending to My Father and your Father, and to My God and your God.’ Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that He had spoken these things to her” (vv. 17-18).
Giving a simple task to someone who is depressed or brokenhearted can help restore their hope. Sorrow is consuming and energy-absorbing, but when a person in that situation has something to do, it elevates them to a place where they feel purposeful and useful instead of hopeless and listless.
The overarching Scripture that comes to mind in all this is Psalm 30:5: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Allow someone who is being buffeted by trials to emote, but then always redirect their thinking from the temporal to the eternal. I pray that God would help you do this as His ambassador in the world—that you might, like Jesus, walk softly around broken hearts and rekindle hope where there is none.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12 (NIV)
Painting was the last thing I expected to be doing on my birthday. And yet there I was, holding a dripping, shaking paintbrush beside my mom and my sisters.
Year 48 was supposed to be a year filled with adventure and freedom. The last of my five kids was going to college, and Art and I were heading into our empty-nest years. I thought this new season would be as fun and predictable as one of those beautiful adult coloring books. Twenty-five years of marriage had helped life take shape, so all we had to do now was just add color.
But nothing looked like I thought it would on this 48th birthday. Instead of planning for the future with my husband, I was trying to figure out how we’d ever glue the shattered pieces of our marriage back together again. Instead of dreaming, I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare. One where I opened the coloring book, and someone had erased all the beautifully drawn lines.
There was nothing but white pages. Empty spaces. Endless possibilities of fear and failure.
Metaphorically speaking, my life was now a blank canvas.
And so, my mother suggested — no, actually she demanded — we get some blank canvases and paint on my birthday.
I painted a boat. They all painted angels. And while my mom was right — it was therapeutic in many ways — it was also a terrifyingly vulnerable experience.
The enemy of my soul didn’t want me painting that day. To create meant I would look a little bit like my Creator. To overcome the terrifying angst of the blank canvas meant I would forever have more compassion on other artists. You better believe as I placed the first blue and gray strokes onto the white emptiness before me, “not good enough” was pulsing through my head in almost deafening tones.
Perfection mocked my boat. The bow was too high, the details too elementary, the reflection on the water too abrupt, and the back of the boat too off-center. Disappointment demanded I hyper-focus on what didn’t look quite right.
I forced myself to send a picture of my boat to at least 20 friends. With each text I sent, I slowly made peace with my painting’s imperfections. Not for validation but rather confirmation that I could see the imperfections in my painting but not deem it worthless. I could see the imperfections in me and not deem myself worthless. It was an act of self-compassion.
We must get to this place of self-compassion if we ever hope to have true, deep compassion for others. Disappointment begs us to be secretly disgusted with everything and everyone who has gaps, everything and everyone who also wrestles with the “not good enough” script. But what if, instead of being so epically disappointed with everyone, we saw in them the need for compassion?
I like that word compassion. Compassion is being aware that all of us fear the imperfections deeply carved into our naked selves. We all cover up. And then we all get stripped bare when the wins become losses.
And who do we want standing near us in those moments, dripping with disappointment and saturated with sorrow? I can assure you it isn’t people who don’t know the whole story, draped in gold-plated pride with mouths eager to spill out commentary, “Here’s what you did wrong. I would never have allowed myself to get in this position. If only you would have …”
Nope. It’s those clothed with garments of understanding. They have personally experienced how excruciatingly painful it can sometimes be to simply be human. They keep in mind Colossians 3:12, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
We are to put on each of these every day, like a painter puts on color she knows will connect her creation with others. God wants us, His creation, to connect with others and bring them light and life with the brush strokes of compassion.
And the only way to gain more of this compassion is to pick up a paintbrush and sit in the seat of our own suffering. We find life-giving purpose and meaning when we allow God to take our painful experiences and comfort others.
Have you walked through an unexpected season of darkness and suffering? Those seasons aren’t for nothing, sweet friend.
Pick up the paintbrush. Put some paint on the emptiness. Color-correct your perspective. Forget the cravings for comfort zones. Trade your comfort for compassion. Get wet with paint. Put the brush to the canvas. Declare yourself a painter. And when someone steals all the lines from your coloring book, determine to color the world anyhow with the same generous compassion God offers every day.
You are walking the way of the artist. You are simply showing up with compassion. And I love you for that. I love whatever is about to come to life on your canvas to the glory of our Almighty Creator. God. The Redeemer of dust. The Redeemer of us.
Father God, no matter how much this life leaves me hurting, I always want to come out on the other side of pain loving. Help me be a woman of great compassion. A woman who wears her scars of suffering well — willingly sharing my survival story so others can know and believe survival is possible for them, too. And help me remember that no time showing up and bringing compassion to another human is ever a waste of time. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
The last thing we want someone to say about us is that we are “super needy.” We want to be independent, self-sufficient, strong individuals. The idea of needing people and having to depend on others can make us cringe. I have been consulting with a leadership coach lately, and she recently said that the sooner I accept that I have needs, the more effective I will be as a leader. I hated hearing this. Being needy can feel like being weak and fragile. As I argued with the coach, I was proving to her and to myself that I had a need to be heard, understood, and respected. She proved her point as she quietly listened to my strong reaction.
If you are reading this and are a human being (I think that covers most of us), you have needs. God actually created us with needs. He said that it wasn’t good that man was “alone.” Scripture is full of imperatives that help us address our needs. It tells us to love one another, encourage one another, pray for one another, spur one another on, forgive one another, exhort one another, and more. It is a fact that we all have needs.
John Townsend, author of Boundaries and other books, says that human beings have twenty- two relational needs. I have a friend who says that he only has two relational needs: “Be nice to him and leave him the hell alone.” He truly told me that those were his only two needs. While I knew what he was intending to say, he and I knew that there were a number of needs wrapped up in those two requests. Sometimes he needed acceptance. Sometimes he just wanted to be heard and understood. Sometimes he needed someone to simply be present but quiet while other times he wanted to be respected.
Here is a list of the 22 relational needs:
Acceptance
Containment
Empathy
Validation
Identification
Comfort
Affirmation
Encouragement
Forgiveness
Celebration
Prayer
Respect
Clarification
Understanding
Perspective
Feedback
Wisdom
Confrontation
Advice
Structure
Exhortation
Altruism
The sooner we can begin to identify our needs and determine how to address them, the healthier we will be. If we continue to move along without identifying them and meeting them, we can move into areas of loneliness, fear, depression, anger, resentment, and isolation. We will be disconnected from ourselves and from other people. When we take the time to identify our needs and see that they are met, we experience connection, satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, and comfort. We have the privilege and responsibility of leading ourselves well and addressing our needs.
Think of yourself as a finely tuned sports car. As a sports car (unless it is a Tesla), you need oil, gas, service, filters, air, and more to perform at your highest level. That requires attention, effort, and intentionality. The fact is you and I are much more valuable and complex than any sports car. We need to be well cared for in order for us to function at our highest level. When we identify our needs and address them, we are taking good care of ourselves.
Let me ask you,” What are your current needs?” Notice I am not asking if you have any. I am assuming you do and asking you to take the time to pay attention to them. Let me encourage you to identify two needs from the list above and identify a couple of people who you can talk to about those needs. If you can start building this into your regular rhythms, you will be a better leader. Embrace your needs, and you will enhance your leadership.
What are our sources of fear? From where do they originate? Past hurts can lead to present fear. Any traumatic event-a painful divorce, a car accident, a debilitating illness can cause us to fear what’s ahead. The hurt we experienced must be properly dealt with before the fear will subside. Lies from Satan and our own self-talk can immobilize us. Satan is called the father of lies (John 8:44), which implies that he tells a lot of them, and he’s good at it. Often, his lies are intended to make us fearful. For example, you will read an article in the newspaper about teenage drug abuse and Satan will suggest, “Your kid will become part of the drug culture.” Lies can often be self-inflicted. Our minds will wander aimlessly, inadvertently attach to a random thought and embrace and embellish it. Perhaps you live with the nagging thought that you will never amount to anything. You live with the fear of failure every day. We can also fear the unusual and the unknown. Perhaps the disciples were feeling anxious about the unknown when Jesus announced that after three years of being together, He was going to leave them. Anxious thoughts no doubt raced through their hearts: “What are we going to do after Jesus leaves? Just fish and collect taxes again?” Jesus, sensing their anxiety, said to them, “Do not let your hearts by troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me.” John 14:1.
So how do we gain victory over fear? Here are a few simple suggestions. The mental dimension of fear is ministered to by truth. (John 8:32). The emotional dimension of fear is ministered to by perfect love. ((1 John 4:18). The volitional dimension of fear is ministered to by faith (Luke 8:25). John 8:32 says that the truth will set us free. When our fear is based on lies, truth will help bring relief. 1 John 4:18 teaches that “Perfect love casts out all fear.” Perfect love can be expressed by a reassuring presence from a loved one, a concerted effort to write, call or visit the person on a regular basis. Don’t leave them out in the cold. Perfect love is expressed by caring involvement. Helping the person to drive again after they have been in a car accident, being trustworthy for a friend who has been betrayed, listening to them as they process their fearful emotions are ways to show “perfect love.” As we look through the future, we can view it through the lens of fear or the lens of faith. Just as fear is future-oriented (we do not fear the past), faith is future-oriented. God promises, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…your Heavenly Father knows what you need…But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:25,32-33.
Never face your fears alone. Jesus is there to meet you in the midst of your fear. God wants us to bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and that includes sharing and bearing the fears and anxieties of those who are paralyzed by fear. Wouldn’t it be profitable to share with someone who loves you, all the fears and anxieties with which you struggle, and to be able to do that on a regular basis? This is God’s design and will!
It would soon be Mother’s Day again, and I was dreading it. I wasn’t dreading the day for myself, but for my children who had lost their mother Cindy and two-year-old sister Katie after a traffic accident. Every Mother’s Day after my wife’s death had been shear torture for my family as in church services the congregation took out time from worship to honor the mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers attending the service. I didn’t begrudge the families that special time honoring their mothers, but each Mother’s Day ceremony was just another reminder of the tremendous losses my family endured. I knew it was a painful flashback to my wife’s sudden and tragic death. But I still had my mother at the time, and I could only imagine how painful it was for my son and daughter as they watched a carefully crafted, loving collage of photos of other mothers and their children. To make it worse, the barrage of pictures had a soundtrack of “sappy” music meant to evoke an emotional response. My gut response was to grab my children and exit the church sanctuary, flee into the parking lot, load up the car and head for the shelter of our home, but I didn’t. I just endured the experience.
Some Mother’s Days my family had just stayed at home to avoid the experience. I was tempted to play hooky from church again, but one Sunday before Mother’s Day something in me told me that I needed to let the church leadership know how I and my children felt on Mother’s Day without our family’s mother. Surely there were others who had lost their mother and felt the same way. Maybe we could honor mothers in a different way that was less distressing for those mourning the loss of a mother.
I saw the minister walking to his office after the service, and I knew what I had to do. I stopped him and asked if I could request a favor. “This Sunday could we do something special for those who don’t have their mothers with them anymore?” I asked.
The minister’s softened as he said, “Well, I don’t know, Larry. Let me talk with the staff and see what we can do.” The minister knew our story because he had spoken at Cindy and Katie’s double funeral
I walked away feeling relieved that I had let someone know how I felt. Maybe things would change, and maybe they wouldn’t. At least I had made my needs known.
On Mother’s Day much to my dismay the traditional college of pictures of mothers and children and the “sappy” music began. I have to admit that I was disappointed. The usual painful feelings and the hurt for my children returned. Maybe I had not given the minister and the church staff enough lead time to make a change in how we observed Mother’s Day. The pictures and the music seemed to go on forever.
Then the pictures and music stopped. Before my family could get seated, the minister stepped up to the pulpit and said, “Now I would like to ask all those of you who no longer have your mother with you in this life to please stand as we say a prayer over you.”
“Dear Father God,” the minister said as we and others around the sanctuary remained standing. “We thank you for the blessings of mothers in our lives. At this time though we pray a special blessing and care for those standing now who no longer have their mothers in their lives…..”
As I began to cry, my knees buckled, but I made an extra special effort to remain standing in honor of my children’s mother and my wife. I looked over as my children’s heads were bowed in prayer.
The minister continued, “Be with them today and watch over them. Let them remember the wonderful gifts that their loving, sacrificing mothers have given them. Fill their hearts with gratitude for their mother as they review the special memories of their mother’s life. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”
That was the best Mother’s Day I had experienced in a long time.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV
Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble or Christianbook.com.
www.griefminister.com.
A mother asked, “Where have you been?” Her little girl replied, “On my way home I met a friend who was crying because she had broken her doll.”
“Oh,” said her mother, “then you stopped to help her fix the doll?”
“No,” replied the little girl, “I stopped to help her cry.”
Hurt and pain are inevitable. It’s not a matter of if we’re going to be hurt, but rather when and how we will deal with the pain.
Pain takes many forms. It can be physical (a sprained ankle), social (exclusion from a group), or emotional (embarrassment, disappointment). Some hurts may be perceived as relatively minor—“I was embarrassed at lunch today when I spilled ketchup on my shirt.” Others are major—“My father abandoned me.”
There’s only one antidote for hurt—comfort.
Here are some practical suggestions on how to comfort other people.
Learn to sense when someone is hurting and be willing and available to help her.
We’re often unaware when people are hurting. Sometimes circumstances will give us a clue (physical illness, death of a loved one, divorce or separation, loss of a job), but often it’s not so apparent. So be discerning and learn to recognize when people are in need of comforting
When you do sense that someone is hurting, are you willing to slow down and take the time to minister comfort or do you choose not to “go there”? You must be discerning, willing, and available.
When someone is hurting, if possible, enter her physical world.
While it is possible to comfort someone over the phone or in a letter, it is best done in person and preferably in the hurting person’s space. If your friend is hurting, instead of suggesting, “Susan, it sounds like we need to talk. Can you drop by my office this afternoon?” it’s better to offer, “Susan, it sounds like we need to talk. Can I come by your office this afternoon?”
Enter her mental and emotional world.
Humans live in at least three “worlds” simultaneously: physical, mental and emotional. While it’s easy to determine where someone is physically, it’s more difficult to determine where she is mentally and emotionally. But to comfort effectively it helps to understand what a person is thinking and feeling. Often, just asking directly – “How are you feeling? What are you thinking?” – is sufficient. At other times it takes more effort, particularly if the person is guarded and reticent to share.
Listen.
A good comforter must be a good listener. Let the one who is hurt do most of the talking; if you talk too much you’ll inevitably engage in unproductive responses.
When someone needs comfort, avoid these unproductive responses.
- Advice/instruction – “Let me give you some steps of action to solve the problem.” Or, “Maybe next time that happens you should…”
- Logic/reasoning – “Let me analyze the situation and tell you why it happened.” Or, “I think the reason this happened was because…”
- Pep talk – “You’re a winner! You’ll make it through these tough times!” Or, “I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.”
- Minimize – “Sure it hurts, but get it in perspective, there’s a lot going on that’s good.” Or, “Aren’t you being overly sensitive?”
- Anger – “That makes me so mad! They shouldn’t get away with that!” Or, “I’m so upset that you keep getting yourself hurt.”
- Martyr’s complex – “I had something similar happen to me.” Or, “After the kind of day I had, let me tell you what hurt really feels like.”
- Personal fear/anxiety – “I’m afraid that what has happened to you is going to affect my life too.”
- Silence/neglect – Not saying anything.
- Fix it – “I can’t believe that salesman talked to you like that. I’m calling the store right now and talking to his boss.” Or, “Sorry you had a flat tire on that lonely road. Tomorrow I’ll get a set of new tires.”
- Spiritualize – “Well, you know that God will work all of this out for your good.”
While some of these responses may be appropriate to share after the hurting person has been comforted, they don’t work as the initial response.
Learn the “vocabulary of comfort.”
Often, we don’t know what to say to someone who is hurting because we’ve never developed an appropriate vocabulary. We don’t need to say a lot, a few choice sentences are sufficient. Here are some suggestions.
- I’m so sorry that you are hurting.
- It saddens me that you’re hurting. I love you and care for you.
- I’m committed to help you through this difficult time.
- It saddens me that you felt _________ (embarrassed, rejected, belittled). I know that must have hurt.
- I know that you’re hurting. I just wanted to come be with you.
When speaking words of comfort, it’s also important that our tone of voice complement what is being said. Our speech should be warm, sincere and gentle.
Use appropriate non-verbal gestures.
A warm embrace or gentle touch can express comfort. Tears shed for someone else can convey love beyond words.
Jess Moody says this about comfort, “Have you ever taken a real trip down inside the broken heart of a friend? To feel the sob of the soul – the raw, red crucible of emotional agony? To have this become almost as much yours as that of your soul-crushed neighbor? Then, to sit down with him – and silently weep? This is the beginning of compassion.”
We continually come in contact with people who are hurting. Let’s minister grace and healing to them through the simple but effective gift of comfort.
www.donmcminn.com. Original material from Dr. David Ferguson of www.greatcommandment.net.
“Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. And Elkenah, her husband, said to her, ‘Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” -1 Samuel 1:7b-8
We’ve all walked through darkness and we’ve all walked with others in the midst of darkness. Since we have all been in the place of those who have struggled with discouragement and even depression, why are so few people effective in caring for others in the midst of discouragement?
In 1 Samuel 1 we meet a women whose heart is broken. As was common in the ancient world, she placed her hope and value in her children, but she was childless. Enter her well-meaning, but clumsy husband. His care starts off in good form: “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad.” Excellent! But then Elkenah’s well-intentioned encouragement goes off the rails, “Am I not more to you than ten sons?” Face meet palm.
Hannah finds herself in the temple at Shilloh, and is pouring out her heart in prayer to God, weeping “bitterly” as she prays silently. Enter Eli, the clueless priest. He approaches this weeping woman and accuses her of being drunk. Facepalm.
Let’s not be Elkenah and Eli when we are with those who are discouraged. Here are three ways we can mess up care and two ways to care well.
Here is how to care cluelessly:
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Over-talk: Elkenah peppered Hannah with questions. Eli spoke too quickly.
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Make it about you: Elkenah made Hannah’s discouragement over not having a son about her relationship with him.
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Presume: Eli may well have had other drunk worshipers at his temple. His own sons probably got drunk in the temple frequently. But don’t presume that what you have observed before is going on with the person in front of you. Don’t write your story over theirs.
Here is how to care well:
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Embrace silence: one of the most effective methods of care is to be present silently with someone who is suffering. If Elkenah or Eli would have put their hand on Hannah’s shoulder and silently prayed with her, they would have been much better caretakers.
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Make it about them: Elkenah’s question “why is your heart sad?” is a good one. Probe. Allow space. And listen.
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Pray: Eli does a 180 when he realizes he has misjudged Hannah and he prays encouragement over Hannah, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.”
Where have you been? the mother demanded. The little girl replied, “On my way home, I met a friend who was crying because she had broken her doll.” “Oh,” said her mother, “then you stopped to help her fix the doll?” “Oh, no,” replied the little girl, “I stopped to help her cry.”
When someone is hurting, do not respond with:
- Advice/instruction – “Let me tell you how to solve the problem.” Or, “The next time that happens you should…”
- Logic/reasoning – “Let me analyze the situation and tell you why it happened.” Or, “I think the reason that happened was because…”
- Pep talk – “You’re a winner! You’ll make it through these tough times!” Or, “I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.”
- Minimize the incident – “Sure it hurt, but get things into perspective; there’s a lot going on that’s good.” Or, “Aren’t you being overly sensitive?”
- Anger – “That makes me so mad! They shouldn’t get away with that!” (Angry at who caused the hurt.) Or, “I’m so upset that you keep getting yourself hurt.” (Angry at the one who is hurting.)
- Martyr’s complex – “I had something similar happen to me.” Or, “After the kind of day I had, let me tell you what hurt really feels like.”
- Personal fear/anxiety – “I’m afraid that’s going to affect my life too.”
- Mr. “Fix it” – “I can’t believe that salesman talked to you like that. I’m calling the store right now and talking to his boss.” Or, “I know you must have been scared when you had a flat tire on that lonely road. Tomorrow I’ll take the car in and get a whole new set of tires.”
- Spiritualizing – “Well, you know that God will work all this out for your good.” Or, “Remember what Joseph said when his brothers mistreated him: ‘They meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.’”
The best antidote for hurt is comfort. Comfort is an emotion, not a cerebral commodity. It is also very simple; if we make it complicated, we’ll miss the mark.
We can comfort others through gentle words, appropriate touch, and our quiet presence.
Gentle words
While there are many words in the Oxford Dictionary, only about 40-50 words qualify as comforting words. The “vocabulary of comfort” includes phrases like these:
- “I’m really sorry that you’re hurting.”
- “It hurts me that you’re hurting because I love you and care for you.”
- “It saddens me that you felt _________ (embarrassed, rejected, belittled). I know that must have hurt you.”
When comforting someone, the fewer words spoken, the better. If we say too much, we will inevitably move into the cognitive, rational realm, which will be counterproductive.
When speaking words of comfort, it’s also important that our tone of voice be complementary to what is being said. Words of comfort should be spoken gently and with compassion.
Appropriate touch
Proper and tender acts of physical affection can also minister comfort. Depending on the relationship, a warm embrace, a hug, holding hands, or a kiss can help communicate care and concern.
Quiet presence
Sometimes, just being with a person who is hurting is helpful. When I was a young minister, I wasn’t sure what to say to someone who had just lost a loved one. A wise mentor taught me that the “ministry of your presence” is powerful and effective. Just being physically present communicates care and concern.
So when you encounter someone who is hurting, do not do the nine items listed at the beginning of this essay. Do extend comfort. You’ll be amazed at the outcome.
Dear Roger,
Recently, I hurt one of my best friends. We both said that everything was okay. But, it’s not. There is a wall between us that hasn’t gone away. What’s the best way to fix this?
Sincerely, Sara
Dear Sara,
An apology, accompanied with a good confession is the best way to fix it.
Let me tell you how I deeply hurt my wife, Julie—and how we healed that hurt when I apologized and confessed that what I did was hurtful and damaging to our marriage.
I was so busy starting a church that I didn’t have much time for Julie. I’d gone two years without a day off.
One Sunday I said to Julie, “Why don’t we go to Phoenix this weekend. We can spend the night in a nice hotel. We’ll have dinner at a nice restaurant. We’ll go to a movie. After breakfast we will go to the mall and shop as long as you like. We’ll have a nice dinner. Then, we will drive back home to Tucson and get ready for church services tomorrow.”
It was it was Friday, almost noon, and my briefcase was packed. I was heading out the door when my phone rang. Ken, one of our deacons, was on the phone. “Hey, Roger, I just heard you were driving to Phoenix. My car broke down in Phoenix and I it’s ready for pickup. Can you give me a ride to Phoenix? The repair shop is right on the way.”
What choice did I have? How would it look to the congregation if the young pastor refused to take Ken to Phoenix?
I picked up the phone and called Julie: “I’m on the way. I’ll pick you up in ten minutes. By the way, Ken called … car broke down in Phoenix … ready for pickup … needs a ride … “CLICK.” She hung up on me.
We didn’t go to a fancy hotel. We spent the night in the Holiday Inn. We didn’t go to a nice restaurant. We ate dinner at the Holiday Inn. We didn’t go to a movie. We watched TV at the Holiday Inn. We didn’t go to a special place for breakfast. We ate breakfast at the Holiday Inn. After about 30 minutes at the mall Julie said, “I’m not having any fun. Let’s go home.”
We were we were pulling suitcases out of the car when I said, “I’m so sorry. I know this marriage is not turning out to be what you wanted. If you’d like, I’ll give you a divorce.”
Julie looked at me and said, “No, we’ll work this out.” So, we went inside and got ready for Sunday.
Over the next several months I’d say to Julie, “I am so sorry. Will you please forgive me?” She would say, “Okay, I forgive you.” But we both knew that deep inside, things were not all right.
Let’s make my answer an interactive, working document. Let’s talk about how to make a good apology and confession. (These seven principles were formulated by David Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries).
1. LET’S THINK OF ONE WAY THAT WE’VE HURT OUR SPOUSE, CHILDREN, FAMILY OR FRIENDS.
Let me give you a few examples to start you thinking.
One of my favorite nicknames for Julie was, “Muffin.” After she got pregnant, I started calling her “Pumpkin” I thought it was funny. Julie got hurt.
One of the most hurtful, critical words that I ever perpetrated “against” Julie was at an elder Christmas party. She said something that I thought was stupid and without thinking I quoted the Proverb which says, “Even a fool is deemed wise when he keeps his mouth shut”. (Proverb 17:28). Everyone gasped. I was incredibly embarrassed. I said “I am sorry”, but that didn’t help. I wounded her deeply. By the way, everyone at the dinner table agreed that I was a I was the stupid one.)
Until I learned better, I was often insensitive to the feelings of my children. Occasionally, I would tease the girls and they would cry. We finally figured out the problem. I was using “boy humor” instead of using “girl humor”. There is a difference you know. I grew up with one brother and no sisters. I was just doing what came naturally and the girls got hurt.
Julie has a hard time keeping up with car keys. She loses them all the time. I’d often get a call at 11:00 PM on Wednesday night after choir practice: “Come get me. I can’t find my keys.” Time and time again I had to redress and drive to church to help her look.
One afternoon I noticed Julie’s keys on the front seat of her car. I’d had enough!
I entered the church to find Julie practicing with seven’ little violinists for an upcoming worship service. I charged down the aisle to the piano shaking the keys: “You did it again!” I threw them on the piano keyboard and said angrily, “How many times must I ask you to keep up with your keys”? I turned and stalked that to my office. You should have seen the reaction of the young violinists when they saw the pastor’s behavior!
I began working on my sermon for next Sunday. My topic was 1 Corinthians 13 on love. (That’s the honest truth.)
I got to feeling really guilty for what I’d done.
Shamefully, I returned to the piano. I said to Julie, “I’m so sorry, I know I hurt you, I shouldn’t have acted that way. Will you please forgive me?”
Of course she forgave me. She’s a pastor’s wife.
2. NOW WE CONFESS TO GOD AND RECEIVE HIS FORGIVENESS.
So, I am standing at the trunk of the car… “Do you want a divorce?”
Maybe what I should have done, before I talked to Julie, was to talk to God about what I’d done. Can you imagine that if I had first talked to God and gotten His perspective that I might have approached Julie a little differently?
We deal with God before we go any further.
“If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
Confess really means “to agree with.” This means that I am to say the same about my sin that God says.
This means to get alone with God and deal with the fact that my behavior is intricately involved with why He had to die.
“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10).
Godly sorrow means that I begin to feel what Jesus felt when he watched me do what I did.
I begin to imagine Jesus watching as I charged down the aisle shaking Julie’s keys. I saw Jesus in pain for Julie. He knows what’s coming. He’s hurting for Julie and embarrassed for me. He sees me throw the keys on the piano. He watches Julie’s face in horror. My behavior breaks his heart. I begin to get a sense of what Jesus felt when he saw me do what I did.
My behavior is not only sin, it is part of what crucified Jesus. As I enter into godly sorrow, what stirs in me is what the Old Testament calls “a broken and contrite heart” (Psalm 51:17) and what the New Testament calls, “godly sorrow.”
I do not believe we are ready to make things right with the one we’ve hurt until we’ve experienced “Godly Sorrow”!
3. IT’S NOW TIME TO CONFESS THAT WHAT WE DID WAS WRONG AND ASK THE ONE WE’VE HURT FOR FORGIVENESS.
Here Is A Suggestion As To What A Good Apologetic Confession Sounds Like.
“I realize that I have hurt you deeply by my selfishness, inattention, and wrong priorities, and that was wrong of me, will you please forgive me?”
There Are Seven Key Ingredients To A Good Apologetic Confession.
1. The Scope Of Our Confession Should Equal The Scope Of Our Offense.
If we’ve hurt a family, then we confess to that family. We don’t need to confess to anyone else.
If we’ve hurt some folks at the office, then we confess to that coworker. We need go no further.
If we’ve hurt someone in a Bible study, we confess to those in the Bible study.
If what we’ve done offends others, we must confess to them as well. (James 5:16).
2. Apologetic Confessions Are Most Effective When We Take The Initiative To Apologize And Confess Without Having To First Be Confronted By Those We’ve Offended.
3. Our apologetic Confession Should Have An Emotional Dimension.
Usually, our sin is not only wrong, it emotionally hurts the one we’ve offended. We must not only confess our sin, but also show concern and comfort for the hurt we caused.
4. Be Specific. Name The Sin.
Let there be no doubt about exactly what you did.
5. Use The Phrase “I Was Wrong” Instead Of “I’m Sorry.”
Politicians are experts at deflecting blame: “If what I said about the SPCA offended anyone, I’m sorry.” No, don’t say that. Instead, say, instead say, “What I did was wrong. I did offend you and I am sorry. Please forgive me.” Two or three little words can make all the difference in the world.
6. After Your Apologetic Confession, Put A Period And Stop Talking.
Do not try to defend yourself or your actions. That will only ruin everything. We all have too much lawyer in us.
7. Now It’s Time To Ask The One We’ve Hurt To Forgive Us.
Watch the person carefully as you apologize and ask for forgiveness. You can tell by their facial response whether or not you’ve asked for enough forgiveness
Some things are easier to forgive than some others.
WHAT IF IT IS REALLY A BIG HURT?
Remember the big hurt I inflicted on Julie with the K.D. Phoenix trip?
Off and on for the next several months I’d show up and say to Julie, ““Will you still forgive me for that? Please?”
She even said on several occasions, “Yes, I forgive you for that.” However, we both knew that the issue was not healed.
Do you see the problem we have here? It just hurt me a little bit. It hurt her a lot. She is filled with pain and it is hard to forgive a lot of hurt when the one who hurt you is only asking for a little bit of forgiveness.
In other words, it’s hard to forgive ten gallons worth of hurt when the perpetrator is only asking for a pint’s worth of forgiveness.
So, one evening after dinner, we sat in our blue chairs in the living room and I said to Julie, “I don’t care how long it takes, I want you to take all the time you need to tell me how much I’ve hurt you.
I really did the one to know what ten gallons of hurt really felt like.
“Roger, you’ve betrayed me. The church is your mistress. You spend more time with her than you spend with me.”
I felt so rejected. We were going to be ministry partners; however, you continually do things with others instead of me.
Do you know how sad I feel? It’s not supposed to be this way.
(This is when Julie started crying.)
I’ve been so afraid. Remember when you were out of town and that man got on the roof and called on his cell phone to say that he was going to get me? And you were nowhere around.
Do you know how lonely I feel? I sit home alone night after night while you are out with one church activity or another.
I’m afraid of what our future will look like if it looks anything like our past. I’m not sure I can make it.”
(Now I began crying.) I began to realize just how much hurt I had laid on her.
Do you know how devalued I feel. Everything revolves around you. I’m not even there.
The more she shares her pain, the more I sense just how deeply I’ve hurt her.
8. At this point, it is time to experience James 5:16: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed.”
Healing means that the relationship is restored.
Healing means that we work to restore trust.
Admitting wrongdoing builds trusts—covering up wrong erodes it.
An honest apology builds trust—excuses erode it.
Changed behavior builds trusts—repeated wrongdoing erodes it.
Comforting may now be appropriate. This means that we may say things like, “I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a painful time. It breaks my heart to see you in so much despair. I know you’ve been hurting deeply, and life and relationships are not supposed to be this way. I’m so sorry.”
By the way, after you’ve made your apologetic confession you may want to ask, “Are there other ways that I have hurt you that I’m not seeing?” If so, share them with me. I’d like to get them right with God and you.” Then, work through the process again.
Well Sara, I hope this helps. If you have more questions, please let me know.
Love, Roger
After a loss, each member of a family has his or her own unique grief process. But just as important and unique is the grief experience of the entire family unit. Here are some of the reasons that it is important to acknowledge the needs of the family as a whole:
- Each person in a family has functions and roles not filled by anyone else. The death of any member results in the reorganization of all relationships in the system. Roles must be shifted and the family must reorganize. This shifting takes time and strongly influences the family’s growth and character.
- A family has its own identity. For example, the family may identify themselves as “community leaders”, “a group of practical jokers”, or “centered around the children”. When a member dies, family members often struggle to retain or redefine that identity in a way that is meaningful to them.
- Due to different developmental levels, life circumstances, lifestyles and relationships with the deceased, grief needs differ among family members. How family members communicate about their needs can contribute either to family harmony or family conflict. An open family system acknowledges feelings openly and involves each member in decisions and events. A closed family system denies feelings and excludes some members from decisions and events. Time and effort may be needed to apply a healthy style of interacting after the impact of loss.
- Grief and ways of expressing grief can be handed down from generation to generation. If parents have unresolved grief issues from their own childhoods, it will ripple into the lives of their own children. The family rules that a parent learned while growing up are likely to be the rules he/she models to the next generation. Family members may now practice these rules unconsciously, even if the rules are unhealthy. For example, a family who has dealt with emotions by keeping them secret and unexpressed will likely have negative results if they suppress all discussion of grief.
- New phases of family development often result in a resurgence of family grief. Suppose, for example, that a mother of two children dies. As those children grow up and reach life milestones, such as the first piano recital or a high school graduation, the family will grieve their loss anew from their current perspective. New grief needs arise whenever we face life changes without the deceased loved one, including moves, marriages, job/career changes, births, and even later deaths.
- Here are some suggestions to help families grieve together:
- Hold a family meeting for all interested members. Allow for open discussion of thoughts, feelings, and needs that have emerged for each person since the death. Set a ground rule that each person will listen to others without interrupting or passing judgment. Brainstorm ideas for how to memorialize, express feelings, and meet needs as a family unit.
- Memorialize together. Collaborate on a photo album, video montage, or collection of stories in honor of the deceased. Make a copy for each family member or each branch of the family tree.
- Create something that symbolizes the family unit’s identity, such as a “Coat of Arms”, Family Mission Statement, or Family Motto. Have plaques or some form of reproductions made so each member or subsection of the family can have one to display in their home.
- Hold a family ritual where all family members can unite in memory of the deceased and in honor of the family’s values and history. Some examples include: a candle-lighting ceremony; an ash-scattering gathering; participating together in a walkathon to find a cure for the disease the loved one died from; making an annual donation to or volunteering as a group for a cause important to the entire family; planting a tree together in honor of the deceased and the family’s ongoing growth, even after loss.
- Consider engaging the services of a family counselor to facilitate communication and problem-solving among family members. Remember that all families need an objective perspective sometimes. Invite members of all ages to share their perspectives and ideas.
Posted by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” available online at Amazon (www.amazon.com/Love-Never-LPC-S-Larry-Barber/dp/1613796005 )
Used by permission.
Our God stands unchanging through time as the source of our strength. The power of same is the culmination of our consistency with Him. If you resist the monotonous, you’ll miss the miraculous. Repeat the right things until the routine is the reward. You will never arrive if you can’t abide.
Preached at Elevation Church. Used by permission.
Dear Roger,
I am a 47 year old male, married for 18 years, with two teenage daughters. I have a 21 year old son with my ex. I married my wife because she was pregnant. While, I did love her in a way I have stayed with her for our daughters … I do not love my wife now, except for the fact she is the mother to my daughters. She is now claiming to possibly have liver cancer.
I did not see my son for 17 years, but he has suddenly come back into my life….as soon as I saw my son’s mother, all the love I have felt since we were both in high school came back. We have been spending some time together for about 6 months now. While we both realize this is wrong, I do not want to ever lose her again…. I have loved her my whole life.
Due to our ages, the Army, time apart we never were able to be together for good and that is the great regret in my life. My question is, is it wrong for me to go after this happiness and leave my wife or should I stay because she is sick? I have told her that I don’t love her. I have been sleeping on the couch for almost a year. We have no common interest. We don’t have any sort of affection together. I know loving someone else isn’t the way it is supposed to be, but I can’t help how I feel.
Name withheld
Dear Name Withheld,
What a shame. I am sorry that things have not worked out with your current wife. I am also grieving for you that you and the love of your life were not able to work things out long ago. Your life obviously would have turned out quite differently.
It is easy now to play the “What If” game. What if we had gotten married right out of high school? What if the army (and other things) had not kept us apart? What if I had met another “sweet heart” I loved with all my heart and married her and not gotten “trapped” into a marriage I really didn’t want?
The corollary to the “What If” game is to look at it like this: “What could have happened, did happen!”
Very seldom do we have the chance for a “do over.” That is what I hear you asking for. Unfortunately, I think that in your case, “what could have happened, did happen” (and it can’t be undone.” You have to play the cards you’ve been dealt. Or, perhaps it is more apropos to say, “You must play the cards you dealt yourself.”
I don’t want to sound harsh. You are not alone. I get asked questions like yours quite frequently. In some cases it is time to pick up the pieces and start over. In others, it is not.
Unfortunately, I don’t see starting over as a legitimate nor honorable option for you.
Since your wife is sick with liver cancer (although there seems to be some doubt about this) I don’t see how you can leave her in a time of need.
I see no grounds for you to break your marriage vows (Matthew 5:32).
I imagine that you’re saying to yourself, “Your answer is not at all what I wanted to hear!” My response is, “I really am sorry.”
I am assuming that you are a Christian; and, therefore, if you choose to follow my advice (Biblically based on Ephesians 5:20-33), you’re perhaps asking, “What am I to do?”
The biblical answer is quite straight forward. You must learn to love your current wife and break off the relationship with your high school sweetheart. Trying to love two women is most difficult and one will certainly come out on the “short end of the stick.” I think we both know which woman that would be.
Whenever I have a husband or wife in your situation I remind (challenge) them with the three levels of Christian love enunciated by Paul in Ephesians 5 and by Jesus in Matthew 5 and 22.
Love your wife (Ephesians (5:25-33)
Love your neighbor (Matthew 22:39)
Love your enemy (Matthew 5:43-47)
I say to the husband (or wife), “Paul said to love your wife as Jesus loved the His church and sacrificed His life for her. Can you love your wife as Jesus loved His church?”
“No, not really,” he replies. I’m not certain that I ever loved her. But, I know one thing, I sure don’t love her now!”
Then I say, “Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. If you can’t love her as your wife, can you love her as your neighbor?”
He pauses and reflects before admitting, “No, I can’t say I even love her as my neighbor.”
“Well, then, Jesus said we are to love our enemies. Can you love her as your enemy?”
We just can’t get away from our responsibility to love.
Love is never described in the Bible as a feeling. Love is always an action verb. Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” Loving Jesus is not a feeling. Loving Jesus is doing what He says. Love is always portrayed in the Bible as doing something for someone else.
Love is an action verb. In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul lists sixteen characteristics of love: “Love is patient; love is kind, love is humble, love is well behaved (etc.).” These sound like simple adjectives. But, they aren’t. Paul, as he writes in Greek, presents each characteristic as a verbal adjective. Each of these is something love does–whether the feeling is present or not.
Name Withheld, I imagine that if you were now speaking to Jesus person to person about your question, He might well say, “Go and love your wife. Care for her, protect her, stand beside her and help her to become someone special–whether you feel like it or not.”
Name Withheld, thank you for sharing your story. I hope all turns out well. I think that many others will benefit by the answer to your question.
May God bless you with great days ahead.
Love, Roger
Buddhism, as a system, requires its adherent to be devoted to exploring a set of principles that will earn him or her an enlightened state that they hope will lead to the end of suffering—a noble and worthwhile goal. Yet on a practical, day-to-day level, many Buddhists inwardly struggle. They feel spiritually empty, as if the practices they engage in provide some temporary satisfaction or guidance, but when over, the emptiness or futility remains. While they pursue the path they are taught the Buddha has lain out, they secretly wonder about the reality of the Buddha’s teachings. Being taught that they will experience many rebirths until finally reaching their objective, they cannot help but wonder, “Will this truly end my suffering? How can I know that what I am doing really works?”
Our Buddhist neighbors can discover a different kind of enlightenment—one that can be fully experienced and realized in this life, right now, without the need for what may seem like a tumultuous cycle of rebirth.
The World Around Us
What is the nature of reality? How can we tell when what we experience is primarily an experience that comes from our own perceptions or is a part of true existence? If our reality is defined by our perceptions, how can we know when our perceptions give us accurate information about the world around us or even our own existence? If our perceptions of reality are problematic, then how do we address the even more important issues involving eternity?
To its credit, Buddhism tries to address the questions of reality and perception. Many Buddhists have found meaning and solace in Buddhist teachings (or debate) about the nature of the world around us. At first a person who is unfamiliar with Buddhist concepts may struggle. In fact, many Buddhists themselves struggle with these ideas. Whole schools of competing Buddhist thought have arisen to address the nature of reality.
What are the Buddhist ideas about the world around us?
• The evidence of reality presented to us by our senses is faulty. Human perception of the world is mistaken,(1)
• “Everything is part of an ultimate, impersonal ground of existence which is neither good nor evil,”(2)
• Good, evil, truth, and falsehood are mistaken perceptions (or conventions), which have no absolute meaning.
These ideas about reality are foundational to Buddhism’s attempt to address humanity’s ultimate problems. Let’s address these issues together and also discover how Jesus Christ addressed these issues in His teaching. First, let’s apply some common sense—and science—to the Buddhist teachings about reality and perception.
Sense & Senses
As I type these words I see them on my computer screen. By doing this I am making the assumption that you who are reading it are also seeing the same words that I typed. In fact I’m also assuming you have access to a computer, the Internet, can input a website address, find this page, and read this article. You are doing the same thing that thousands of people have done before you, and will after you. All of us share a common set of perceptions that allows us to have a certain degree of unity in our experience of writing and reading—or any other experience. Let’s call this our unity of perception.
Sight in an important part of our perceptive abilities. What we see can be pleasurable or frightening. It can foster longing or fear. What we see is also an important part of our learning process and contributes heavily to the assumptions we make together. And—together—is the point I’d like to make. If you sit in a group with a printed version and all read together from the page, you will all read the same thing. Your perception about what words are written, are the same. It is this unity of perception that encourages us that what we are reading really exists, and that by implication, it has a writer who also exists. The same may be said of the world. We have a unity of perception about the world around us. We do not all experience different realities generated by our minds like hallucinations—”self generated sensory experiences.”(3) Nor are our perceptions, illusions. “Cognitive illusions come about because the brain is full of prejudices: habits of thought, knee-jerk emotional reactions and automatic orders of perception.(4)
“Ah, but wait,” you might say. “Isn’t that part of what Buddhism refers to, cognitive prejudices, etc.?” In some ways, yes. But the idea that our perceptions create an illusion of what the nature of the world is like, must disregard the unity of perception that we all share. This leaves us with one of two choices: Humanity’s unity of perception is itself, illusionary, or our unity of perception provides evidence that our experiences and the world around us are real. Which is the case?
Saying that our perception of the shared unity of perception is illusionary is the same as saying our illusion is illusionary—i.e. our we do not experience illusion. It is self-defeating and leaves us only with our second option. Our perceptions are real. In fact, our perceptions are not only real, but our brains naturally anticipate the reality around us allowing us to experience it according to reality. Our brains know that what our senses deliver to it is real. “An act of perception is a lot more than capturing an act of incoming stimulus. It requires a form of expectation, of knowing what is about to confront us, and preparing for it. Without expectations, or constructs through which we perceive our world, our surroundings would be…confusion. Each experience would truly be a new one, rapidly overwhelming us.”(5) Where do those “constructs” come from? From the previous real-world experiences we have had!
This does not mean that we do not sometimes have faulty perceptions about the world around us, or our nature. In fact, the very thrust of the argument presented here is that Buddhism is a perceptive filter that presents an illusion about the nature of existence.
The Nature of Existence
If our perceptions about the world around us are faulty, and there is another truth underneath what we perceive, then, our perceptions about how to live in the world are also colored by our misperceptions. Could this be true? Let’s turn again to our unity of perception.
Everyone has some kind of concept of right and wrong, good and evil. We all share common perceptions, that there are certain things that are good, and certain things that are evil. Personal preference and culture permit varying degrees in our agreement over what is right and wrong. But the fact stands that there still remains the concept of good and evil, right and wrong.
According to Buddhist thought the issue of what is right and wrong is nothing more than a convention without absolute authority or substance. This teaching, in point of fact, leaves the adherent with the idea that what is good and evil cannot be ultimately defined since good and evil are illisionary. Let’s present it this way:
Is a belief in absolute good and evil, a right belief or a wrong belief?
If you are under the Buddhist way of thinking that last sentence is a trap in both its construct and its implication. For the Buddhist the question is unanswerable without causing a new set of philosophical problems. If you declare it a “wrong belief,” you are left with a moral dilemma. Under Buddhism, wrong beliefs or perceptions lead to suffering. If this wrong belief leads to suffering, then is not the belief itself evil (morally wrong and not just factually wrong)? Could it not be argued that Siddhartha perceptually recognized the existence of evil when he saw the sick man, poor man, beggar, and the corpse? He lamented the suffering of humanity because he recognized the evil of what he saw.
These arguments would seem to indicate the existence of evil, which would be a right belief, meaning that there is something more significantly wrong with humanity than perceptions, ignorance, and suffering.(6)
There is More Wrong with Us Than Our Ignorance
Buddhism has gotten something right about our existence. We do have a problem with perception. But according to Jesus Christ, our problem is not ignorance about the human condition. Our problem is denial.
Christians interpret everything around us through perceptual filters like greed, envy, jealousy, selfishness and so on, then we should ask the question: Where do these come from?
Jesus taught that such things come from within the human heart.
“The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil.”(7)
But who is an evil man? What constitutes a person who is evil?
During a conversation with a devoutly religious man, Jesus made a surprising statement. While asking about how to attain eternal life, a man called out to Jesus, calling him, “Good teacher.” Jesus responded:
“‘No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments, do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not bear false witness, honor your father and mother.’
‘And he said, “All these things I have kept from my youth.”
‘When Jesus heard this, He said to him, “One thing you still lack; sell all that you possess and distribute it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.’”(8)
Jesus had two criteria for evil. First, a person who is evil is a person who obeys evil. He or she is a person who engages in morally wrong thoughts, feelings, and actions. The commandments Jesus referred to were Laws given to Israel by God. Engaging in these behaviors, like all behaviors, starts from the heart or mind, and ends with the actual doing of the evil. A person who obeys evil is evil.
Second, Jesus provided a criteria for evil that was highly personal and surprising to the man who heard it.
“…and come, follow Me.”
Jesus regarded the person who willfully rejected him as evil. Why would He do this? Why did Jesus’ criteria for right and wrong have to be so relational?
Unlike Buddhism, which presents everything as an “impersonal ground of existence, which is neither good nor evil,” Jesus Christ presented himself as the ultimate standard of personal existence that is, inherently, good. He recognized that in order for man to deal with suffering, he had to deal with his relationships. Notice the commandments that Jesus mentioned. All are committed in relationship with, or to, another person. In fact, all evil is committed within the context of relationship. The same is true about good. There can be no good and no evil without relationship.
Under Buddhism the adherent attempts to either remove himself from the world through monasticism, or minimize his attachments. In other words, the devout Buddhist must minimize relationships. Yet doing so will not mitigate evil, because love is only expressed in relationships and only love can conqueror evil. Suffering is therefore, not the real problem for Buddhism, denial is.
Because Buddhism is a philosophy of the impersonal, it is only natural that it would deny concepts of good and evil beyond their use as mere conventions. Yet Jesus Christ defined good and evil only in terms of relationship—relationship to others and relationship to Himself. In Buddhism one does not have a relationship with the reality around him since his reality is considered to be an illusion of mistaken perceptions. In comparison, the Bible teaches us that we have not only a relationship with the world around us, but also the people in it, and the God who created it.
Our perceptions are real, and given to us by God so that we might “seek him with all our heart.”(9) If God has enabled us to seek Him, then surely He has given us the perceptive ability to recognize His reality.
________________________________________________________________________
1. Dalai Lama XIV, The Dalai Lama at Harvard, page 36.
2. M. Tsering, Jesus in a New Age, Dalai Lama World, page 153.
3. Ibid, page 131.
4. John J. Ratey, M.D., A User’s Guide to the Brain: Perception, Attention, and the Four Theaters of the Brain, page 56.
5. What if you argue that the belief itself is not right or wrong? Doing so would imply the nonexistence of the belief, and perhaps even the question. For an argument against such a point, read two paragraphs above. If in doubt, read it with a friend using unity of perception. 😉
6. Matthew 12:35.
7. Luke 18:19-22.
8. Psalm 119:2.