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comfort

Ask Roger

How Do I Heal Hurting Hearts This Christmas?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger, 
The holidays are here! Joy and excitement are everywhere! Well, not everywhere. You and I both know that there are a lot of hurting people at Christmas time. A lot of people hurt during the holiday season. We all act like it’s a time of great joy; and, it is for many of us, until some pull back the curtain.
Behind the curtain we find children being tossed back and forth between parents. Some can’t afford to buy presents. There is just no money to spare. Some are jobless. Some are sick. Some families are tragically dysfunctional. Some parents can’t stand their children. Some children can’t stand their parents–or siblings. Some feel lonely. Others are rejected.
Fortunately, holidays can bring out times of great joy. Unfortunately, for others, holidays can bring out the pain. Could you give us some advice on how to heal some of the hurts we may encounter?
Sincerely, Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Alexander Maclaren, an old Scottish preacher, once said: “Please be kind to everyone you meet because everyone is fighting a battle.”

When I recite his quote, I ask the folks in the congregation to look up down their row. “Everyone sitting around you is fighting a battle,” I say. Everyone gets quiet.

We are imperfect and we live with imperfect people in an imperfect world. Therefore, we will all experience some hurt.

Unfortunately, it’s my experience that most of us have no model for how to heal hurts.

An Encounter with a Hurting Woman on My Flight

I was sitting on the flight from Dallas to Orlando next to a woman in her late 20s. I introduced myself as I took my seat, and she did the same. Shortly after takeoff, I noticed that she was reading the “Celestine Prophecy” which is a book targeted to next-gen readers who are on spiritual journeys.

“Reading that book, I would suppose that you are on a spiritual journey.” She smiled paused for me to continue.  “I would guess that you grew up in some sort of church environment and you got hurt badly. In fact, you were hurt so badly that you left that church and headed out on your own spiritual journey.”

We sat quietly for several moments until she broke the silence, “You’re right. I did get hurt badly in church.”

After a while, I said quietly, “Would you like to tell me what happened?”

“Several weeks ago, my baby was born. The umbilical cord was twisted around her neck, and she died before they could get her breathing. I wanted my baby to go to heaven, so I begged my priest to baptize my baby. But he refused. He said that the Church didn’t baptize dead babies. I was devastated. I pleaded, but still he refused. I decided that I’d never go back to that church again, and so, I guess you’re right, I’m on a spiritual journey.”

With a broken heart, I looked over at her and spoke gently, “I’m so sorry. Did you have any idea that the baby was in trouble?”

“No.”

“You must have felt so rejected. I suppose you’ve gone to that church since you were a child. I can’t imagine how much it hurt that in your greatest hour of need, they turned their backs on you. You must’ve felt so betrayed.”

“I did.”

“You must have been so angry at the priest. I can’t imagine what it was like when he looked at you and shook his head, ‘no.’

“You had dreams, didn’t you? You thought of playing with her on the playground, watching her grow up, college, and wedding; and in an instant, all of it was gone. I can’t imagine how much that hurt. I’m so sorry.

You thought that you needed the prayer of the priest to get your child into Heaven. You are afraid that she might not make it. I can’t imagine how much that hurts.

I tried to comfort her through some of the denial, shock, loss, grief, and depression. I tried not to be in a hurry. She certainly was not. One thing is true about comfort: it can’t feel really good.

Later, she turned to me and said quietly, “I guess one of the reasons this hurts so much is because I’ve had four miscarriages.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. That just breaks my heart. Did you name them?” Yes, she had. She had named each of them. I decided that I’d comfort her four miscarriages worth of babies.

About 15 minutes before landing, I said to her, “I know you’re wondering about whether or not your baby will go to heaven. I can tell you that she will. Jesus promised that the kingdom of heaven was open to children. King David lost a baby. God told him that his baby was in heaven and that he would see his baby again someday.”

So I said, “Your baby will be in heaven; we need to be certain that you’ll be there, too.”

The gospel is easy to share when the heart is broken and open. So, I talked with her about forgiveness of sin, and confession, and eternal life.

I led her to John 1:12 where John tells us that those who receive Christ will live forever with Christ in heaven. She would soon see her baby again, plus four others.

“Would you like to pray with me right now and receive Jesus into your life?”

You bet she would! And so, she did.

Then, I surprised her. I told her about our first-born child Jessie who died in our arms thirty-eight years ago. Not a week goes by that I don’t pray to Jesus and ask him to tell Jessie that I miss her and that I’m looking forward to having fellowship with her one day in heaven.

Christmas Hurts:

People are reminded of happier times at Christmas. Dysfunctional families cause pain. Losing a loved one can unearth unimaginable grief. More people commit suicide during the holidays than any other time of the year.

3 Passages Lay the Foundation for God’s Plan of Healing Hurts

Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Only mourning and comforting can heal hurts. We cannot do this alone.

In healing hurt, it’s important to realize that at least two people must be involved. The one who is mourning needs someone to do the comforting. Otherwise, they mourn alone— and then they really hurt.

In my story about the Orlando girl, I was showing you some of the tools that I use in comforting one who is hurting. Notice that both my heart and my attitude are filled with compassion. Notice that I ask rhetorical questions which are designed open them up to receive comfort. I was certain to use healing words as well as deeply emotional words to help them mourn and facilitate their healing.

Look around the dinner table at Christmas. See who needs comfort. Open up your heart and give them the best gift of all at Christmas: the love of Jesus.

Now we know what to do when we see hurt. Hurting people find healing and comfort.

Well, Jennifer, I hope you find this response helpful.

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Devotionals

Forgiveness is Not a Converse Tennis Shoe

by Randy Carlson
written by Randy Carlson

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)

Forgiveness and a Converse Tennis Shoe

Here is a short and true ancient story.

Godspell was a musical from the early 70s and has enjoyed a bit of a renaissance over the past few years. The first time I saw it back in the 70s, it was performed by a high school youth group at a large church in the western suburbs of Philadelphia.

When the Christ character would be doing some teaching, preaching or sharing a parable, the remaining actors would become sort of living props. So, when Jesus was reciting this above passage, two teens got on their hands and knees, locked arms and became the altar.

Christ stood behind the altar, and along came a young lady joyously walking up to the altar with an old Converse tennis shoe in her hands. As she knelt and sought to extend the Converse tennis shoe to the altar, Jesus said, “First go and be reconciled.” She placed the tennis shoe at the foot of the altar, stood up, walked across the stage and approached the one that had something against her. They grabbed each other by the lapels, shoved each other, rocking back and forth; stopped, put their hands down and then hugged each other. One girl went happily off one way, and the other joyously went back to the altar and re-offered the tennis shoe.

A couple of weeks later, I was talking to my friend who was the music director at this church and was also the director and ran the rehearsals for Godspell; he told me a story about someone in his choir. After church was over, a man approached my friend and said, “I couldn’t get that stupid Converse tennis shoe out of my mind.” My friend said, “What do you mean?” “Well,” he replied, “There was someone that I had to be reconciled with, and I had to do it before church this morning. And so, I did.”

Mission accomplished — by an old worn-out Converse tennis shoe.

Today’s One Thing:

Paul tells us in his letter to the Ephesians to “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Take time to pray and ask the Lord if there is someone in your life with whom you will you need to be reconciled.

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Articles

How to Love the Widows Among You

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Four of my closest friends are widows. Jennifer, a pastor’s wife, lost her godly spouse after his long, grueling bout with brain cancer. My friend Eileen walked into her bedroom to find her husband dead in his bed. Lance, 45, died of sleep apnea. Eileen just thought he was sleeping late. Debby lost her husband and almost lost 18-year-old son to COVID in the same week. Katy found her missionary husband on the kitchen floor, dead from a massive heart attack. Katy’s children reeled from the shock.

 

I have watched all of these women process the painful loss of their spouses. What do I say to them? How can I comfort them? I just chatted with Jennifer about life without Jerry. At first, she was relieved his agonizing fight was over. Then Easter Sunday came. Easter was Jerry’s busiest time at church. The ache of loss seemed overwhelming.

 

The world is full of widows. India, currently center stage during the COVID pandemic, has 41 million widows. According to one news outlet, “…most of us imagine an American woman in her 80s or 90s, but according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age of widows is 59 years old, but many are much younger. In fact, almost 2,800 women in the U.S. become widowed every day.”

We must come alongside our grieving friends with comfort, companionship and financial aid when they need it.

The Bible has some amazing promises about God’s love and protection for widows:

Psalm 68:5
“A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” KJV

 

Isaiah 54:5
“For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is His name” KJV

 

Exodus 22:22
“Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry.” KJV

 

God has a special place in His Heart for widows.

 

  1. A Widow needs to know she has her family’s support.

 

My friend Debby didn’t have time to grieve. Her husband died suddenly of COVID. She was in the hospital recovering from the debilitating disease herself. Her precious son was seriously ill as well. But the extended family didn’t rally around her. Instead, they called Debby incessantly asking if she had made funeral arrangements for her husband! Debby didn’t receive the comfort and support from her relatives. Instead, she felt isolated and abandoned.

 

Even in death Jesus cared for His widowed mother. The Bible tells us, “Near the cross of Jesus stood His mother, His mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Cleopas and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw His mother there, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home” (John 19:25-30). KJV

 

Paul affirmed this principle in 1 Timothy 5:3-8

 

“If a widow has family members to take care of her, let them learn that religion begins at their own doorstep and that they should pay back with gratitude some of what they have received. This pleases God immensely. Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That’s worse than refusing to believe in the first place.” LB

 

Many cultures in our world routinely have widows move in with family members. But in our highly mobile, affluent culture, we frequently leave the isolated, grieving widow to fend for herself.

 

  1. A widow needs emotional support.

 

My friend Eileen confided that losing her husband made her feel like she had lost a limb. Only part of her remained. It took a couple of years to discover who she was apart from Lance. All of her friends were couples. They felt awkward including her in their dinners and holiday celebrations. So, they left her alone. If it hadn’t been for her Sunday School friends and widow support group, she would have grieved so much longer.

 

The sweetest example of emotional support is expressed in the book of Ruth. Ruth recently lost her husband. But her mother-in-law Naomi had lost both her husband and sons. Instead of returning back to her home in Moab, Ruth chose to stay at Naomi’s side. Naomi instructed to go home to her own people.

 

“But Ruth replied, “Don’t make me leave you, for I want to go wherever you go and to live wherever you live; your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God; 17 I want to die where you die and be buried there. May the Lord do terrible things to me if I allow anything but death to separate us.” Ruth 1:16-17 LB

 

These verses are often used as marriage vows. Ruth made this precious vow to her mother-in-law!

 

  1. A widow needs to know that God loves her and that her loving friends and family are lifting her up in prayer.

 

Most psychologists agree that there are six stages of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

Every one of these stages challenges a widow’s faith. Why did a good God let this happen? Didn’t He want to answer my prayers for healing? What kind of God would abandon me after I loved Him so faithfully? Will He ever answer my prayers again?

 

Jennifer grew up in a pastor’s home. She served in her father’s church for as long as she could remember. Then she married a minister. The couple laid down their lives sharing their faith with others and ministering in the same church for forty years. I love both of them. And yet, even though Jennifer stands firm in her faith, most widows falter in believing God after suffering such a cruel blow.

 

Jesus looked upon the grieving widow of Nain and felt deep compassion for her. He raised her son from the dead and returned him to his mother (Luke 7:11-17)

 “Not long after that, Jesus went to the village Nain. His disciples were with him, along with quite a large crowd. As they approached the village gate, they met a funeral procession—a woman’s only son was being carried out for burial. And the mother was a widow. When Jesus saw her, his heart broke. He said to her, “Don’t cry.” Then he went over and touched the coffin. The pallbearers stopped. He said, “Young man, I tell you: Get up.” The dead son sat up and began talking. Jesus presented him to his mother.” LB

I’m sure this widowed mother had renewed faith in a miraculous God.

 

  1. A WIDOW NEEDS TO KNOW HER LIFE IS NOT OVER. GOD CAN STILL USE HER IN SPECIAL WAYS.

 

When we pray for the beautiful women who have to re-build their lives after the loss of a spouse, we must pray for them to have intimacy with God as never before. We also must ask God to reveal how He can use them in this new phase of life.

 

My favorite passage about a widow who grew in her faith after her husband’s passing is the prophetess Anna, who recognized Baby Jesus as Messiah:

“Anna, a prophetess, was also there in the Temple that day…She was very old, for she had been a widow for eighty-four years following seven years of marriage. She never left the Temple but stayed there night and day, worshiping God by praying and often fasting.

She came along just as Simeon was talking with Mary and Joseph, and she also began thanking God and telling everyone in Jerusalem who had been awaiting the coming of the Savior that the Messiah had finally arrived.” Luke 2:36-38 NIV

Even though there are only a few short verses about Anna, I must believe that she had family and fellow believers who prayed for her in her tragedy. Katy, my missionary friend, could have given up her calling when her husband died. No one would blame her. She had serious, debilitating health problems. But she also had mighty prayer warriors who came alongside of her. Katy now leads Bible studies for diplomat’s wives at the United Nations in New York. She had seen countless women from around the world come to Christ. Just like Anna, Katy’s husband left “too soon.” But God opened doors for this faithful widow. Her ministry is miraculous.

 

I have been inspired and blessed by my precious friends who have lost their husbands. Mary, Ruth, Anna and the widow of Nain remind me that God deeply loves and protects widows. I want to comfort, pray and support them in every way. Look around. They are among you. They need you, too!

 

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Bible Studies

God, the Good Shepherd

by Tony Evans
written by Tony Evans

PSALM 23

David, the author of Psalm 23, illustrates the relational and covenantal nature of God from the vantage point of a shepherd taking care of his sheep. Just as sheep are totally and completely cared for by their shepherd, God’s people are looked after by their Lord; the Good Shepherd makes sure that He provides for His children.

God meets our needs. He meets the needs we are aware of, and He also meets the needs we don’t even know about. Regarding our spiritual needs, often what we need spiritually, we won’t desire in the flesh. God will make us lie down (vv. 2-3a) to give us the restoration and rest our soul needs. He gives us places of comfort so we can refocus on Him, recharge and be restored to full capacity.

God meets our directional needs as well (v. 3b). Because we are sheep that are in constant need of guidance, God is our ultimate personal shepherd. The Lord God guides us like a modern-day GPS. When we get off a righteous course due to our own disobedience, God recalibrates our lives, course-corrects us and fully reconnects us with Him. So many people do not recognize or guard against getting direction from the wrong GPS — secular culture, the media, friends, or even personal opinion. God wants to lead in His way, and if we get off track, He guides us to get back on track.

In addition to spiritual and directional needs, God offers to meet our emotional needs (v. 4). Sheep are easily emotionally stressed by events that are not as bad as they appear. For example, when sheep find themselves in the shadows, they interpret the lower light they experience as darkness to be feared. Because of the inability of sheep to see the big picture, they assume that the darkness signals that they are in the dead of night. As a result, they operate in fear. Many believers similarly allow temporary difficulties or challenges to cast a shadow on how they operate and move through life. Gripped by fear or paralyzed by other negative emotions, they do not turn to God and allow Him to lead them. God wants to calm our fears and help us confidently trust in Him and His ability to lead us well.

Beyond our spiritual, directional and emotional needs, our physical needs can be met by God, too. Just like a shepherd feeds his sheep when they are hungry and cares for his sheep when they are wounded, God cares for the tangible, physical needs of His people. In Psalm 37:25b, David says, “I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.” God cares for His people when they are hurting. Scripture says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Ps 147:3). God is an overflowing source of provision, and His provision never runs dry.

Because we are spiritual creatures who do not live on Earth forever, God can meet our eternal needs. He is preparing a place for us (John 14:3). He wants us to love Him and intentionally pursue His goodness with eternity in mind. We serve a God who is comprehensive. He can meet all our needs as we follow Him and trust Him. When we understand how God leads, cares for, guides, and protects His own, we can confidently lean on Him and look to Him as our Good Shepherd.

  • While all the needs mentioned can surface at any time, the current COVID-19 situation has pushed specific needs to the surface for many. What area of need has come to the forefront for you because of the global pandemic?

Let’s Get Personal

• Do you trust God as your Good Shepherd? How do you know? Do you exemplify your trust by following His lead?

• How has God proved Himself to be a Good Shepherd in your life? In what ways has He tangibly provided for you spiritually, directionally, emotionally or physically?

• Go deeper! What specific spiritual, directional, emotional or physical needs in your life do you believe you most need God to meet? Share your particular request with your group and talk about what you are hoping God will do to meet your need as your shepherd.

Take The Next Step

  • Are you sure that your eternal need has been met? Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior? Are you living a life surrendered to Him in preparation for an eternity in God’s presence?
  • God often works to meet the needs of believers as they work to meet the needs of others. How are you allowing yourself to be a vessel that God can use to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a world that needs to know He can practically and tangibly meet their needs?
  • Want to go deeper? Take a look at the following passages: Psalm 37:25; 147:3; John 14:3; Ephesians 3:20.

RENEW YOUR MIND

“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1

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Devotionals

Don’t Let Loneliness Cause You to Sin

by Erin Davis
written by Erin Davis

Do you feel isolated and lonely? God made us to need each other!

Did you know that every time a lion pride hunts together it is a lightly organized operation? They do not test their potential prey for weakness like other predators do. The only weakness they are looking for is isolation. If they can remove a single animal from it’s herd, lunch is easily delivered, even if the animal they are hunting is much larger or faster than the lions themselves.

Knowing our place

We are much like a lion’s unsuspecting prey, because we are all made weak and vulnerable by isolation. We may be living life, oblivious to the threat, but the threat is there, and it is real.

First Peter 5:8 puts it this way, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

Staying disconnected has the power to do much more than simply make us feel lonely. It may be what the enemy uses to prey upon you and bring you down.

Back to the Garden

Let’s head back to the Garden of Eden to take a look at exactly how isolation led to the fall of all mankind.

In Genesis 3:2-5, the serpent, who likely had been lurking in the grass for a while, sees his opportunity to deceive God’s children and moves in for the kill.

“And the woman said to the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, “You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, ‘You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’”

I believe Satan was hunting Eve. He waited for a moment when she was not surrounded by her community. Verse six tells us that Adam was nearby, but maybe he was just slightly out of earshot. And even if he wasn’t, Eve apparently didn’t take the time to talk to him about what was happening. We see in her the first woman with an independent streak as she determined that she would process the information Satan was giving her and make the decision all on her own.

Would things have turned out differently for Eve if she had simply said, “Let me talk to my husband about it,” before taking a bite of that rotten fruit? Certainly, she would have been even more protected against this attack if she had talked to her husband and consulted with God. God had given her a double-layered safety net through a relationship with him and a relationship with Adam, but she cut right through the net and put herself in grave danger by deciding to go at it alone. What happened next reminds us that we are all daughters of Eve.

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. (Gen. 3:7-8)

Isolation set Eve up to sin. Then, her shame led to an even deeper isolation and feeling of loneliness.

Here’s the big takeaway: When we step outside of community, we become infinitely more susceptible to temptation and sin. In this way, loneliness is less of an emotion and more of a military strategy effectively used by our enemy. Our shame then lies to us and tells us that isolation is the only way to regain control. In this way, loneliness and shame become a two-edged sword that is very effective at takings us out at the knees.

A church at the stadium

Researchers recently surveyed those who regularly attend church services to get a feel for their experiences. Sixty-six percent of the people they talked to said they feel they have a “real and personal connection” with God while attending church.

However, the study also revealed that more than a quarter of those surveyed agreed with the statement that church feels “like a group of people sharing the same space in a public event but who are not connected in a real way.” Another nine percent of those surveyed weren’t sure if they were connecting to others in their church or not. I have to wonder if the people in this group know what connectedness feels like if or they’ve settled for a synthetic substitute.

What people were saying is that for them church feels like going to a football game. They stadium is packed. They are surrounded by people who all want the same thing. The mood is light, but they are not really connected. At the end of the day, the sermon, the service, the game, they will go back home to their lonely lives with the same sense they could never tell what’s really going on.

I think this trend is less a reflection on the state of our churches, and more evidence of a personal problem. To start, many of us have a bad theology of the church. We don’t get that God’s clear vision for the church is that it be our family—the unit in which we become more like Christ— and the hub of the gospel. Instead we think of it more as a social club. What’s more, as individuals we refuse to get real about our sin. We want to keep up appearances. We want people to think we’re really good people. We prefer to think of church as a country club where we wear our best clothes, including a pretty mask, instead of a hospital where we can get bound up and healed through the loving care of others.

Are you lonely? If so, is it possible that sin is the root cause? Can you look back and see that Satan waited for moments when you were outside your community? He attacked, and then he lied to you and told you shame should banish you to the bushes, making you feel even more alone.

It’s time to fall into your safety net. Seek God, and ask him to reveal the sin in your life. Confess it to him right then and there. Don’t hide yourself or your junk. But don’t stop there. Tell your Christian friends. Tell your pastor. Tell your mentor. Tell your family. Keep telling until you see the lion pride slink away and set their sights in a different direction.

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Devotionals

How Do I Step Out of My Comfort Zone?

by Randy Carlson
written by Randy Carlson

Jim Roan, an American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker said, “Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by change.” 

If that is true, why is it so hard for those of us who want to change in our lives to really pull it off?  As I thought about that, I realized the reason is because we are secure in our comfort zone.  It’s easy to get stuck living your life every day from a place where things seem to make sense, simply because that’s the way we did it the day before, and the day before that. But actually starting to change how we think and how we live is difficult. The COVID-19 pandemic has really forced us to change. In many ways it has blown us completely out of any comfort zone we had prior to our first knowledge of it.

As I was thinking about how all of us had been pushed out of our comfort zone, I realized that is when and where God does His most transformational work. Think about the people who had to find themselves outside their comfort zone before God really began to use them.

  • Peter had to get outside his boat. He lived each day inside of his comfort zone, literally. Think about that story where Jesus had Peter walk on the water getting outside of his comfort zone to really test his faith.
  • Saul, who later became Paul, had to get out of his comfort zone of being the persecutor of the church, riding on his high horse. He was knocked to the ground, and through that experience His perspective changed, and God used him in a mighty way.
  • Nehemiah, in the Old Testament, served as a cup-bearer to the king. God moved him out to go back to his homeland and rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
  • Esther was the queen. She had to step outside her comfort zone, risk her life and confront the king. God’s people were saved because she took action.

God’s best work occurs outside of our comfort zone. Some of you could testify that it was during a time of divorce, a medical diagnosis that you did not expect, loss of a job or anything that moved you out of your comfort zone that God accomplished some of His greatest work in your life.

I don’t know what you’re facing.  Some of you may be facing concern for your business.  Maybe your marriage has been stressed or your finances have been damages because of COVID-19.  It doesn’t really matter what it is.  The choice to live an intentional life makes a difference. Intentional Living is about the way we live our lives as followers of Christ no matter what happens. An intentional life in Christ results in more freedom, more peace  and deeper purpose. It brings God’s very best to your life. The intentional life is not about perfection but about an attitude. It requires making a decision and managing that decision every day.

www.theintentionallife.com.

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Ask Roger

How Do I Really Comfort Someone?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

 

Dear Roger,

 

I recently attended the funeral of one of my best friends. As I listened to the comments, I was surprised by how many people weren’t really helping the family deal with their grief—me included.

 

I heard explanations about why God let the deceased person die so young; encouragement that they would eventually get over the pain; advice on how to handle life without their loved one being around; promises that this must be God’s will … and some even said things like, “All things work together for good to those who love God.”

 

Then, they’d ask the family, “You love God, don’t you?” The family would respond, “Of course, we do.” Then, the friend would say something like, “Well then, God promises that everything will work out good.” But as the family gazes into the casket, things don’t seem so good after all.

 

Could you please share some things to say and some things not to say when comforting those who are hurting?

 

Sincerely, Amelia

 

 

Dear Amelia,

 

Alexander Maclaren, the well-known Scottish pastor from the last generation, said: “Please be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a battle.”

 

EVERYONE IS HURTING ABOUT SOMETHING.

 

It’s hard to miss seeing a broken arm when it’s covered by a cast. On the other hand, it’s hard to see a broken heart.

 

Sometimes all I need do is say a certain name, and tears will come to a friend’s eyes. We all hurt.

 

That’s why Julie and I begin every marriage conference with each of us holding a can of Coca-Cola. We move near the front room and begin to shake the can.

 

Maybe you just lost your job. Shake the can. Maybe the refrigerator broke down. Shake the can again. One of the kids got expelled from school? Give it a big shake. The doctor just said you have cancer? Give it a big shake, and don’t stop for at least a minute.

 

Then, we pretend that we’re going to open the cans and spray Coke all over the room. People dive for cover!

 

Everyone understands the symbolism. No one is sitting there perfectly at peace. We all have stuff shaking around on the inside.

 

THE BIBLICAL MODEL FOR HEALING HURTS IS SURPRISINGLY SIMPLE.

 

We deal with hurting and mourning people all the time. Unfortunately, too often we have no idea how to comfort them.

 

In Matthew 5:4, Jesus said, “Blessed are the ones who mourn for they shall be comforted.” He lived his life and ministry with hurting, mourning people. Think about the lepers, tax collectors, and prostitutes who found healing in Jesus’s love and acceptance. They mourned. He listened … and He comforted.

 

The apostle Paul wrote, “Praise be to the father of compassion . . . And the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

 

Take heart in Paul’s words for a moment. God comforts us, so we can comfort others. We don’t comfort alone! The Master Comforter works in and through us.

 

 

HERE’S WHAT NOT TO SAY TO THOSE WHO ARE HURTING.

 

My friend David Ferguson poignantly illustrated the very worst way to handle someone who’s struggling:

 

Imagine your ten-year-old struck out with the bases loaded and his team lost. Or, maybe he came home to tell you that he didn’t even make the team.

 

What do you say?

 

“That’s life.”

“Better luck next time.”

“You didn’t really expect to make it, did you?”

 

STOP.

 

Imagine your 14-year-old daughter was mercilessly teased on the school bus and comes home weeping. She is trying to describe to you the pain and the embarrassment and the ridicule.

 

What do you say to your child?

 

“What did you do to cause them to treat you like that?”

 

STOP.

 

Those children needed comfort. They got condemnation.

 

Look at what Jesus said again; “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall receive comfort” (Matthew 5:4).

 

Let me turn that verse around a little bit in order to illustrate some of the things we say that don’t help.

 

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be told how to fix it…

 

For they shall be told, all things work together for good to those who love God …

For they shall be told, “Don’t cry. It really doesn’t hurt as much as you think!”

 

For they shall receive a pep talk …

 

For they shall be given logic and reasons …

 

For they shall be told how to do it better next time …

 

For they shall be told why it really was their fault …

 

For they shall be told, “What happened to you isn’t nearly as bad as what happened to me” …

 

For they shall be told, “Stop worrying, it will all be OK.”

 

STOP.

 

Jesus said, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall receive comfort” (Matthew 5:4).

 

HERE’S WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY TO THOSE WHO ARE HURTING

 

Comfort is emotional, feeling words.

 

Let’s return to our imaginary scenarios from earlier. Try these answers for your kids instead:

 

“I am so sad that your friends treated you harshly . . . that had to hurt so badly.”

 

“You were so embarrassed when they teased you on the bus. That just breaks my heart.”

 

“That is not the way life is supposed to be. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Your heart is aching that you didn’t make the team. My heart aches with you.”

 

“I hurt for you because I love you.”

 

This is what comfort sounds like. It has emotion. It enters into the person’s pain with love.

 

Only mourning and comforting heals hurts—and we cannot do this alone.

 

Julie was teaching a seminar for church orchestra conductors on trends in contemporary worship. The conference leaders told me that I could have the next two hours with the wives and teach on any subject that I wanted.

 

I know something about minister’s wives. Their hurts are so deep that if you give me five sentences, I can have the room in tears. So I started teaching on mourning and comforting.

 

As I was teaching, I noticed great big tears cascading down the cheeks of one minister’s wife. As she raised her hand, she blurted out, “It is no wonder my children are so hard. I haven’t cried in 16 years.”

 

“Excuse me,” I said to the group. So I began to comfort her, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly. I can’t imagine how much you must hurt inside if you can’t even cry.”

 

She wasn’t used to this at all. Suddenly, she said, “Stop it! Stop it! You’re doing it to me.”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“You’re trying to comfort me.”

 

“Well what do you expect? You just spread hurt all over the room, and I know what to do when I see hurt. I comfort it.”

 

As I paused to gather my thoughts she said, “Well, don’t stop now, this feels really good.”

 

At that moment I realized that I still had an hour of teaching time left. But I’d said enough.

 

“Do you think you could circle your chairs in groups of three or four, and share some hurts and comfort each other?”

 

Did they ever!

 

In most of our life journeys, we’ve not done a good job of healing these hurts.

 

HOW TO BE AN EFFECTIVE COMFORTER

 

Chuck Swindoll shares several simple thoughts regarding comforting. Let’s use several of them as a guideline.

 

First, Comforters Care Enough to Come Uninvited.

 

If a friend has a heart attack, it’s not long before you’re down at the hospital. You don’t wait for an invitation.

 

No one needed to send a telegram to Job’s comforters. They were already there.

 

Second, Comforters Listen Carefully so They Can Minister to the Emotions and Not React to the Words.

 

We have to learn to listen to what hurting people are really saying.

 

This reminds me of a story:

 

A man asked his wife, “If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?”

 

She said with a smile, “Well, I’d love to be six again.”

 

Early the next morning, the morning of her birthday he got her up, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day. He put her on every ride in the park—the death slide, the screaming loop, the wall of fear—five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, her stomach was upside-down.

 

Off next to McDonald’s. He ordered her two Big Macs along with extra fries and a thick chocolate shake. Later he bought her popcorn, M&Ms and Pepsi. It was a fabulous six-year-old’s adventure.

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well dear, how did you like being six again?”

 

One eye opened, she said, “Well, actually, I meant my dress size.”

 

Listen carefully so that you can enter into their emotional world. Be sad when they are sad. Feel the same emotion that they are feeling.

 

Julie’s best friend, Ellen, lost her husband to a massive heart attack at age forty-five.  One thing Julie discovered that deeply blessed Ellen was when Julie would talk about how much she missed Larry, too. They reminisced and wept with each other about their lives together.

 

Comfort means that we listen and respond to their emotions and not react to their words. Most women have this figured out. Men tend to stumble here.

 

Third, Comforters Openly Express the Depth of Their Feelings.

 

It’s not uncommon to see a comforter in the room—fighting back tears—when he or she sees pain. John tells us that “Jesus wept” (John 11:35), not because Lazarus died, but because He felt compassion for the pain of Mary, Martha and the many friends of Lazarus gathering around the tomb.

 

Job’s friends were aghast when they saw him. They didn’t recognize him. They went to his homestead, and the place didn’t even look the same. Everything was destroyed. Not even a baby goat was around. Somebody asked, “Where is Job?” The answer, “I don’t know. He left some time ago. I think he’s at the city dump.”

 

They went to the dump. Job had no hair, his robe was torn, and he was sitting there with dung burning near him and dogs nearby and the garbage around, and they wept. They got down in the dust with him.

 

Fourth, Comforters Are Not Turned Off by Distasteful Sights.

 

Comforters aren’t turned off because the room doesn’t smell good. They don’t leave because their friend weighs half of what he used to weigh. They don’t even notice when he’s lying in a hospital gown. They see beyond all of that.

 

One of Julie’s dearest friends died a horrible cancer death. Julie watched her dwindle to 85 pounds. Julie and Donna had chaperoned 46 youth trips, choir tours, and orchestra ministry trips together. They had hauled stage equipment and cooked for hungry teenagers. Donna would do all the jobs that no one else would do. She was Julie’s prayer partner and confidant.

 

When Donna was so sick, Julie was afraid to see her in such agony. Donna’s throat literally oozed infection. But, God said, “Julie, you need to help her die.”

 

So they sang together, prayed together, read Scripture together, and suffered together. The last time Julie saw Donna alive, she felt God tell her to read to Donna Jesus’ promise in John 14:1-3:

 

 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my father’s house are many rooms . . . I am going there to prepare a place for you and if I go and prepare a place for you I will come back again and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

 

Julie concluded, “It’s not going to be some bright light or some angelic being. Jesus himself is coming to get you and bring you home.”

 

And not long afterward, He came.

 

Fifth, Comforters Understand, so They Say Very Little.

 

When our daughter Jessie was dying, we had many visitors. Some came and ministered great comfort. Some ministered condemnation (“If you just had enough faith, this never would have happened.”)

 

I was sitting in the hospital one afternoon, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God, of God’s dealings, of God’s will, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly. He said things I knew were true.

 

I wished he’d go away.

 

Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t talk. He didn’t ask leading questions. He just sat beside me an hour or more. He listened when I said something. He answered briefly, prayed simply, and left.

 

I was moved, and I was comforted. I hated to see him go.

 

You’ve done it right when they hate to see you go.

 

Finally, We Don’t Have to Wait to Comfort Someone Who’s Hurting. Today Is a Great Day to Begin.

 

As the Saturday morning conference commenced, one pastor could hardly wait to tell us about his experience the last evening. He was pumping gas, when his daughter called to tell him that she had a car wreck.

 

“My old model was, criticism, judgment, and getting information,” he said. “Was it your fault? What happened? What did the police say? Was the insurance card in the glove department where it was supposed to be? Can you still drive the car? Where are you? Are you sure it was not your fault?”

 

Instead I decided to try what I learned yesterday. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. You must be terrified. You don’t need to be upset. Everything will work out fine. I’ll come right over.”

 

My daughter paused for quite a long time and then she said, “Daddy, is that you?”

 

Well Andy,

 

I hope this helps. For certain, now you know what to do when you see pain. You comfort it.

 

Love, Roger

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Devotionals

How to Treat a Broken Heart

by Skip Heitzig
written by Skip Heitzig

Some of the best advice I’ve heard about how to deal with people who are grieving is to walk softly around a broken heart. Brokenhearted people need hope, and hope is a process, as we see in John 20.

This chapter tells the story of a woman who was in deep distress and grief: Mary Magdalene came to Jesus’ empty tomb and thought someone had stolen His body. But Jesus came along and, through a simple and loving process, brought her immense hope. Let’s look at four principles from this text about how to approach someone who’s experiencing sorrow:

1. Crying is natural. “Mary stood outside by the tomb weeping” (v. 11). Mary’s tears flowed freely—the Greek word for weep means to wail loudly—because crying is natural. God designed us to cry. In fact, it is unhealthy to suppress your tears when you go through grief and loss. Jesus Himself wept (see John 11:35), and He takes note of all the times we weep (see Psalm 56:8).

2. Questions are helpful. The angels who were sitting in the tomb asked Mary, “‘Woman, why are you weeping?’ She said to them, ‘Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him.’ Now when she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, and did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?'” (vv. 13-15).

I’ve discovered that when a person is suffering or brokenhearted, asking them the right questions can help redirect their thinking and raise them to a higher level of faith and trust. Here, it was as if Jesus was saying, “Mary, could there be another explanation for an empty tomb other than the body was stolen—like a resurrection?”

3. Comprehension is gradual. Mary incorrectly assumed Jesus was the gardener (see v. 15), but then He said to her, “‘Mary!’ She turned and said to Him, ‘Rabboni!’ (which is to say, Teacher)” (v. 16). How did she recognize Jesus? She knew His voice (see John 10:4, 11) because she had been in His presence long enough to recognize it. In the same way, when you spend time listening to the voice of God in Scripture, you will come to recognize His voice. Mary’s comprehension was gradual, but she eventually got it.

4. Commission is needful. “Jesus said to her, ‘Do not cling to Me, for I have not yet ascended to My Father; but go to My brethren and say to them, ‘I am ascending to My Father and your Father, and to My God and your God.’ Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that He had spoken these things to her” (vv. 17-18).

Giving a simple task to someone who is depressed or brokenhearted can help restore their hope. Sorrow is consuming and energy-absorbing, but when a person in that situation has something to do, it elevates them to a place where they feel purposeful and useful instead of hopeless and listless.

The overarching Scripture that comes to mind in all this is Psalm 30:5: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Allow someone who is being buffeted by trials to emote, but then always redirect their thinking from the temporal to the eternal. I pray that God would help you do this as His ambassador in the world—that you might, like Jesus, walk softly around broken hearts and rekindle hope where there is none.

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Articles

How to Be Better Together During Times of Isolation

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

“Wilson, where are you? Wilson! Wilson! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Wilson. Wilson, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Wilson! I can’t!”

If you’ve seen Cast Away, this scene is etched in your memory. Chuck Noland (played by Tom Hanks) is on his rudimentary raft trying to paddle to freedom when his beach volleyball companion falls off and begins floating away. Stranded on a deserted island for four years, the volleyball is Noland’s only friend. Your heart breaks as Noland’s inanimate friend drifts away.

Cast Away is a great movie not only about the triumph of the human spirit, but also about the reality that we are made to live in community. It can be watched as an extended meditation on God’s words in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” The very first thing our Triune God says is “not good” in creation is our aloneness.

GOD IS COMMUNITY

That isn’t surprising. God is community. Our Triune God has existed in community for eternity. Creation is an overflow of that love. Theologian Michael Reeves explains what it means that God is three-in-one, and not just one, “Everything changes when it comes to the Father, Son and Spirit. Here is a God who is not essentially lonely, but who has been loving for all eternity as the Father has loved the Son in the Spirit. Loving others is not a strange or novel thing for this God at all; it is the root of who he is.”[i]

When the apostle John says, “God is love” (1 John 4:8), he is speaking about the very nature of our three-in-one God. And so, when God creates us in his image, we are created to image this love. Theologian John Owen wrote God is “the fountain and prototype of all love… And all love in the creation was introduced from this fountain, to give a shadow and resemblance of it.”[ii] We were made to reflect the active love of God that has existed for eternity.

We need community to be who God has intended us to be.

Life is better together.

THE MESS OF COMMUNITY

The challenges to this invitation abound. I write this post shortly after watching a Facebook interaction between two friends end with hurtful shots being exchanged. As soon as we enter any form of community, there is guaranteed to be social discomfort, cliques, and hurt feelings.

This shouldn’t surprise us. When sin enters the picture, community gets messy. God creates Eve for Adam in Genesis 2 to create the first human community. In Genesis 3, as soon as Adam and Eve have sinned, that community splinters. Adam blames Eve. While God has created us for community, sin is magnified and multiplied in community.

COVID-19 COMMUNITY

The challenge of community has become even greater during this quarantined season. Kids are going to school online, we are meeting online, and now we have to worship and gather in community online? It’s exhausting. Last night had a delicate conversation with loved ones over the phone. It’s a conversation six months ago we would have had face-to-face, but these are different times. As we spoke the hurdles were apparent: we couldn’t look into their eyes, give them hugs, or read their body language. It’s easy to want to just throw in the towel and slink back into our respective bunkers. Netflix always understands me.

Let’s fight through the messiness because something better awaits us on the other side. Let’s push through the discomfort and annoyance because we need others and they need us. Let’s remember, life is better together. It’s who God is and who he has made us to be.

[i] Michael Reeves, Delighting in the Trinity; An Introduction to the Christian Faith (Downers Grove: IVP Academic), 2012, 41.

[ii] John Owen, “Christologia,” in The Works of John Owen (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth), 1850-1855, 1:144.

www.thebeehive.live.

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Devotionals

How to Comfort the Disappointed and Hurting

by Lysa TerKeurst
written by Lysa TerKeurst

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

Painting was the last thing I expected to be doing on my birthday. And yet there I was, holding a dripping, shaking paintbrush beside my mom and my sisters.

Year 48 was supposed to be a year filled with adventure and freedom. The last of my five kids was going to college, and Art and I were heading into our empty-nest years. I thought this new season would be as fun and predictable as one of those beautiful adult coloring books. Twenty-five years of marriage had helped life take shape, so all we had to do now was just add color.

But nothing looked like I thought it would on this 48th birthday. Instead of planning for the future with my husband, I was trying to figure out how we’d ever glue the shattered pieces of our marriage back together again. Instead of dreaming, I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare. One where I opened the coloring book, and someone had erased all the beautifully drawn lines.

There was nothing but white pages. Empty spaces. Endless possibilities of fear and failure.

Metaphorically speaking, my life was now a blank canvas.

And so, my mother suggested — no, actually she demanded — we get some blank canvases and paint on my birthday.

I painted a boat. They all painted angels. And while my mom was right — it was therapeutic in many ways — it was also a terrifyingly vulnerable experience.

The enemy of my soul didn’t want me painting that day. To create meant I would look a little bit like my Creator. To overcome the terrifying angst of the blank canvas meant I would forever have more compassion on other artists. You better believe as I placed the first blue and gray strokes onto the white emptiness before me, “not good enough” was pulsing through my head in almost deafening tones.

Perfection mocked my boat. The bow was too high, the details too elementary, the reflection on the water too abrupt, and the back of the boat too off-center. Disappointment demanded I hyper-focus on what didn’t look quite right.

I forced myself to send a picture of my boat to at least 20 friends. With each text I sent, I slowly made peace with my painting’s imperfections. Not for validation but rather confirmation that I could see the imperfections in my painting but not deem it worthless. I could see the imperfections in me and not deem myself worthless. It was an act of self-compassion.

We must get to this place of self-compassion if we ever hope to have true, deep compassion for others. Disappointment begs us to be secretly disgusted with everything and everyone who has gaps, everything and everyone who also wrestles with the “not good enough” script. But what if, instead of being so epically disappointed with everyone, we saw in them the need for compassion?

I like that word compassion. Compassion is being aware that all of us fear the imperfections deeply carved into our naked selves. We all cover up. And then we all get stripped bare when the wins become losses.

And who do we want standing near us in those moments, dripping with disappointment and saturated with sorrow? I can assure you it isn’t people who don’t know the whole story, draped in gold-plated pride with mouths eager to spill out commentary, “Here’s what you did wrong. I would never have allowed myself to get in this position. If only you would have …”

Nope. It’s those clothed with garments of understanding. They have personally experienced how excruciatingly painful it can sometimes be to simply be human. They keep in mind Colossians 3:12, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

We are to put on each of these every day, like a painter puts on color she knows will connect her creation with others. God wants us, His creation, to connect with others and bring them light and life with the brush strokes of compassion.

And the only way to gain more of this compassion is to pick up a paintbrush and sit in the seat of our own suffering. We find life-giving purpose and meaning when we allow God to take our painful experiences and comfort others.

Have you walked through an unexpected season of darkness and suffering? Those seasons aren’t for nothing, sweet friend.

Pick up the paintbrush. Put some paint on the emptiness. Color-correct your perspective. Forget the cravings for comfort zones. Trade your comfort for compassion. Get wet with paint. Put the brush to the canvas. Declare yourself a painter. And when someone steals all the lines from your coloring book, determine to color the world anyhow with the same generous compassion God offers every day.

You are walking the way of the artist. You are simply showing up with compassion. And I love you for that. I love whatever is about to come to life on your canvas to the glory of our Almighty Creator. God. The Redeemer of dust. The Redeemer of us.

Father God, no matter how much this life leaves me hurting, I always want to come out on the other side of pain loving. Help me be a woman of great compassion. A woman who wears her scars of suffering well — willingly sharing my survival story so others can know and believe survival is possible for them, too. And help me remember that no time showing up and bringing compassion to another human is ever a waste of time. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

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Articles

Church: Are You a Contributor or a Consumer?

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson

What do you look for when you look for a church that is a good fit for you? Maybe it’s the music? Maybe it’s the preaching? Maybe it’s the children’s ministry?

5 STARS!

A quick scan through Google reviews of churches will give you a sense of how most people judge churches.

Here is a sampling of real reviews from churches around our city:

·       I have two small boys ages 3 and 6 who can’t get ready fast enough to go to church on Sundays because of the attention they place on kids. From the pastor to the coffee shop, everything rates 5 stars!!!

·       The breakfast servers only greeted people they knew. It made me feel awkward at first. 1 star.

·       The full ultimate experience: great for the family, great for the kids. 5 stars.

·       Can never get to talk to the pastor. Think it has gotten too big for the 1 on 1 time we used to get at the end or beginning of the service with the pastor. It is almost like trying to visit an actor. 2 stars.

·       Child care exceptional. 5 stars.

·       It was too commercial. It didn’t feel like a church. 2 stars.

·       On Easter after waiting in line for over 2 hours with my 3 & 4 year old to do the Easter egg hunt they couldn’t participate. I’m waiting for a sincere apology from you guys and/or an opportunity to correct your mistake or I will be going to every news station in the state explaining how a disabled veteran and his 2 toddlers stood in line for over 2 hours just to be turned away. IF JESUS WAS ABLE TO GIVE FISH AND BREAD TO ALL THE MASSES, YOU SHOULD OF BEEN ABLE TO MAKE SURE ALL KIDS HAD EASTER EGGS. 1 star.

·       They may have the best stage set up I’ve ever seen in my life. I absolutely love the light show and the humongous TV screens! If you’re looking for a church with great music and message this is the place to go! 5 stars.

·       Everyone is friendly, the services are amazing, the band is outstanding, and the kids programs are unbelievable and the kids learn so much. 5 stars.

·       Best women’s community. 5 stars.

·       I didn’t get a very welcoming vibe. Neither did my husband. It just was not for us. 2 stars.

·       Very nice gymnasium. 5 stars.

·       I don’t feel that you can grow here at all hubby and I came because its close and we can walk or take the bus but it’s not for us. Very boring service, can’t get to know people, and if you need help they judge you and ask way too many questions. 1 star.

WELL TRAINED CONSUMERS

Whether positive or negative, these reviews demonstrate how well we have been trained as consumers of churches. We are connoisseurs of religion. Like a wine critic who judges the balance, depth, complexity, and finish of a vintage, we swirl our experience of a church in our glass and judge its balance of ministries, the depth of its teaching, the complexity of its offerings, and how it makes us feel at its finish.

We are consumers. Very well-trained consumers.

Jesus grieves the way we consume the church. He invites us to a better way, he invites us to be contributors, not consumers of the family of God.

When Paul writes to the church at Corinth, he corrects their misunderstanding that the spiritual gifts God has given them are for themselves. “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good,” Paul says (1 Corinthians 12:7). In other words, God has given you gifting to bless the church. A couple paragraphs later, Paul says, “Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” Your identity is entwined in your relationships with other Christians in the context of the local church.

There is a word of correction here for pastors and for Christians.

A WORD OF CORRECTION TO PASTORS

First a word of correction to church leaders: the church is not a platform for our gifts. The church is not our audience. They are not there merely to be taught and pumped up. All of the vision and direction from a church shouldn’t come from us. I’m not Moses, and you’re not Elijah. We are fellow members in the body of Christ.

And we are not the sole purveyors of ministry in the local church. We are tasked “to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12). Let me ask you, are saints in your church doing “the work of the ministry?” Are saints in your church “building up the body of Christ”? Or have you reserved those tasks for yourself?

We as leaders are called to train up others. We are called to deploy the body in their gifting.

A WORD OF CORRECTION FOR CHRISTIANS

Christians, God saved you not just to be in relationship with him, but in relationship with his family. And he has given you spiritual gifts not for your own edification, but for the edification of others. If you are not serving in a church community, you are not walking in the fullness of who God created you to be.

One reviewer of a Tucson church, upset with their experience, said, “This is why I worship God at my home.” That isn’t an option for a follower of Jesus. It’s the equivalent of being adopted by a father, but refusing to move into his home and have a relationship with his kids. That’s not how adoption works.

Our first evaluation of a church shouldn’t be what the church offers us, whether that is the preaching, the worship, or the various ministries. Our first evaluation ought to be framed with a question: where is God calling me to serve these people? How can I use my gifts to honor Christ and build up my brothers and sisters?

You were made for more. You were designed by your Savior to be a contributor, not a consumer.

New Life’s Culture Statements:

1.       God is big and God is good

2.       The gospel changes everything

3.       The Bible is our source

4.       God loves you and your neighbor

5.       We are contributors, not consumers

6.       Character outlasts charisma

7.       Life is better together

8.       Big church, small feel

9.       Healthy churches multiply

www.thebeehive.live. Used by permission.

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Devotionals

How to Lament in Your Darkest Days

by Jeff Jones
written by Jeff Jones

Our Psalm today, 88, is probably the darkest of all of them, and therefore to our ears, it will feel like the strangest worship song ever. But obviously it is one that honors God and is also one that can really help us in times like we are going through as a culture. Lament is part of the journey with God that is necessary. If you know me very well, you probably know that I don’t do things like lament well. I don’t do sad well. Years ago, a counselor tried to help me with that, but I don’t think we got very far. The guy was kind of a downer, so I didn’t stay with him long. Even as I talked about sad times with him, he was like, “Why are you smiling?” It’s actually a real problem for me. Some of you do sad well, but I think most us don’t. Lament is something more profound though than just being sad, but even in this cultural moment we are in, if we can’t learn to lament well, to sit in the anger and hurt and frustration and identify with our African American brothers and sisters, we will not be able to move toward the changes needed with fire and with depth. Lament is necessary right now, as it is in other times of life when we go through really difficult times. So, I’m going to read the psalm penned by Heman, as he lays out the darkest worship song in the Bible. As we listen, be open to how it taps into dark times we are going through now or you have gone through in the past.

Psalms 88:1-18
“Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like one without strength. I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care. You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest
depths. Your wrath lies heavily on me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves. You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you. Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do their spirits rise up and praise you?

So, why does God not take offense? If I were God, I would. I might just use a lightning bolt to end this guy’s little tirade. But God not only doesn’t do that, he puts this song in the Bible as an example of worship songs that are worshipful to him. Why? Because God doesn’t expect us to always maintain good perspective. He knows we will lose perspective in a broken world, and he is okay with that.

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Devotionals

God Created Us to Have Needs

by Jeff Jones
written by Jeff Jones

The last thing we want someone to say about us is that we are “super needy.” We want to be independent, self-sufficient, strong individuals. The idea of needing people and having to depend on others can make us cringe. I have been consulting with a leadership coach lately, and she recently said that the sooner I accept that I have needs, the more effective I will be as a leader. I hated hearing this. Being needy can feel like being weak and fragile. As I argued with the coach, I was proving to her and to myself that I had a need to be heard, understood, and respected. She proved her point as she quietly listened to my strong reaction.

If you are reading this and are a human being (I think that covers most of us), you have needs. God actually created us with needs. He said that it wasn’t good that man was “alone.” Scripture is full of imperatives that help us address our needs. It tells us to love one another, encourage one another, pray for one another, spur one another on, forgive one another, exhort one another, and more. It is a fact that we all have needs.

John Townsend, author of Boundaries and other books, says that human beings have twenty- two relational needs. I have a friend who says that he only has two relational needs: “Be nice to him and leave him the hell alone.” He truly told me that those were his only two needs. While I knew what he was intending to say, he and I knew that there were a number of needs wrapped up in those two requests. Sometimes he needed acceptance. Sometimes he just wanted to be heard and understood. Sometimes he needed someone to simply be present but quiet while other times he wanted to be respected.

Here is a list of the 22 relational needs:

Acceptance
Containment
Empathy
Validation
Identification
Comfort
Affirmation
Encouragement

Forgiveness
Celebration
Prayer
Respect
Clarification
Understanding
Perspective
Feedback

Wisdom
Confrontation
Advice
Structure
Exhortation
Altruism

The sooner we can begin to identify our needs and determine how to address them, the healthier we will be. If we continue to move along without identifying them and meeting them, we can move into areas of loneliness, fear, depression, anger, resentment, and isolation. We will be disconnected from ourselves and from other people. When we take the time to identify our needs and see that they are met, we experience connection, satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, and comfort. We have the privilege and responsibility of leading ourselves well and addressing our needs.

Think of yourself as a finely tuned sports car. As a sports car (unless it is a Tesla), you need oil, gas, service, filters, air, and more to perform at your highest level. That requires attention, effort, and intentionality. The fact is you and I are much more valuable and complex than any sports car. We need to be well cared for in order for us to function at our highest level. When we identify our needs and address them, we are taking good care of ourselves.

Let me ask you,” What are your current needs?” Notice I am not asking if you have any. I am assuming you do and asking you to take the time to pay attention to them. Let me encourage you to identify two needs from the list above and identify a couple of people who you can talk to about those needs. If you can start building this into your regular rhythms, you will be a better leader. Embrace your needs, and you will enhance your leadership.

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Devotionals

Creating a Community of Love and Acceptance

by Jeff Jones
written by Jeff Jones

These are hard days for minorities. I have also asked several African American friends what it’s like to see so much tension and a rise in racial profiling and violence. They respond with words like scary, sad, alarming, and fear for their kidsI asked one of my Chinese friends what it’s like to constantly be hearing about a China versus US trade battle. He immediately said he was scared for his kids and how they are treated at school. I asked several Hispanic friends what it’s like after the El Paso shooting, and they immediately said that they and their friends were scared to go to public places. I asked a Jewish friend what it’s like to see synagogues threatened, and he said he thinks about it every day. I have also asked several African American friends what it’s like to see so much tension and a rise in white supremacy news. They respond with words like scary, sad, alarming, and fear for their kids. The individuals I listed above are our neighbors. They are people just like us. They go to school with our kids; they play on soccer teams with our children. They long for connection like everyone else. If you are a white citizen of the US, as I am, it is easy to conclude that the above-mentioned individuals are overreacting. I often hear people say that. However, we are not in the position to draw that conclusion. We don’t know what it’s like to experience these types of situations.

So, what can we do about this? What can we do to calm fears and create communities where all people can feel accepted, welcomed, cared for, and comfortable to assemble and shop and eat and send their kids to the bus stop?

We Can’t Wait for Others.

I know what we can’t do. We can’t wait for the next election or wait for Congress to legislate civility or expect someone to just rise-up and change this. I know this is a complex issue, but we must do something, and we must do it now.
If you are reading this and you follow Christ, would you join me in looking for ways daily to show some unexpected love and kindness to those who wake up every day in fear?

 Ways to Show Unexpected Kindness and Love

  • A friendly smile or holding the door for a person is a start.
  • Asking a person what it’s like to see their culture talked about or targeted can create a great opportunity for empathy.
  • Buying a person’s coffee can make a person feel loved and welcomed.
  • Having a neighbor who experiences these fears over for dinner can create a powerful connection.
  • Just practicing “old school” friendliness and greeting people as they pass you in the grocery store isle or in any public place can change a person’s outlook.

I beg all of us in these days of racial tension, immigrant fears, mass shootings, trade wars, and white supremacy boldness to do the unexpected for people who live with heightened fear. Love does the unexpected and I am naive enough to think that I can change a person’s fears for a moment or an hour or for a day by doing something unexpected for them. Let’s combat the evil with simple acts of kindness for all minorities in these days of fearfulness.

Chase Oaks Church. Written by Jack Warren, executive pastor.

 

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Devotionals

Victory Over Temper

by Max Lucado
written by Max Lucado

“They do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Thirty-seven years old. Thin, almost frail. Balding and bespectacled. An electronics buff. Law-abiding and tired. Certainly not a description you would give a vigilante.

But that didn’t bother the American public. When Bernhard Hugo Goetz blasted four would-be muggers in a New York subway, he instantly became a hero.

It’s not hard to see why.

Bernhard Goetz was an American fantasy come true. He did what every citizen wants to do. He fought back. He “kicked the villain in the nose.” He “clobbered evil over the head.”

This unassuming hero embodied a nationwide, even worldwide anger: a passion for revenge. People are mad. People are angry. There is a pent-up, boiling rage that causes us to toast a man who fearlessly (of fearfully) says, “I ain’t taking it no more!” and then comes out with a hot pistol in each hand.

We’re tired. We’re tired of being bullied, harassed, and intimidated. We’re weary of the serial murderers, rapists, and hired assassins.

We’re angry at someone, but we don’t know who. We’re scared of something, but we don’t know what. We want to fight back, but we don’t know how. And then, when a modern-day Wyatt Earp walks onto the scene, we applaud him. He is speaking for us! “That-a-way to go, Thug-buster; that’s the way to do it!”

Or is it? Is that really the way to do it? Let’s think about our anger for just a minute.

Anger. It’s a peculiar yet predictable emotion. It begins as a drop of water. An irritant. A frustration. Nothing big, Just an aggravation. Someone gets your parking place. Someone pulls in front of you on the freeway. A waitress is slow and you are in a hurry. The toast burns. Drops of water. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Yet, get enough of these seemingly innocent drops of anger and before long you’ve got a bucket full of rage. Walking revenge. Blind bitterness. Unharnessed hatred. We trust no one and bare our teeth at anyone who gets near. We become walking time bombs that, given just the right tension and fear, could explode like Mr. Goetz.

Now, is that any way to live? What good has hatred ever brought? What hope has anger ever created? What problems have ever been resolved by revenge?

Yet, what do we do? We can’t deny that our anger exists. How do we harness it? A good option is found in Luke 23:34. Here, Jesus speaks about the mob that killed him. “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Have you ever wondered how Jesus kept from retaliating? Have you ever asked how he kept his control? Here’s the answer. It’s the second part of his statement: “for they do not know what they are doing.” Look carefully. It’s as if Jesus considered this bloodthirsty, death-hungry crowd not as murderers, but as victims. It’s as if he regarded them not as a militant mob but, as he put it, as “sheep without a shepherd.”

“They don’t know what they are doing.”

And when you think about it, they didn’t. They hadn’t the faintest idea what they were doing. They were a stir-crazy mob, mad at something they couldn’t see so they took it out on, of all people, God. But they didn’t know what they were doing.

And for the most part, neither do we. We are still, as much as we hate to admit it, shepherdless sheep. All we know is that we were born out of one eternity and are frighteningly close to another. We play tag with the fuzzy realities of death and pain. We can’t answer our own questions about love and hurt. We can’t keep ourselves out of war. We can’t even keep ourselves fed.

Paul spoke for humanity when he confessed, “I do not know what I am doing.”1

Now, I know that doesn’t justify anything. That doesn’t justify hit-and-run drivers or kiddie-porn peddlers or heroin dealers. But it does help explain why they do the miserable things they do.

My point is this: Uncontrolled anger won’t better our world, but sympathetic understanding will. Once we see the world and ourselves for what we are, we can help. Once we understand ourselves we begin to operate not from a posture of anger but of compassion and concern. We look at the world not with bitter frowns but with extended hands. We realize that the lights are out and a lot of people are stumbling in the darkness. So we light candles.

As Michelangelo said, “We criticize by creating.” Instead of fighting back we help out. We go to the ghettos. We teach in the schools. We build hospitals and help orphans…and we put away our guns.

“They do not know what they are doing.”

There is something about understanding the world that makes us want to save it, even to die for it.

Anger? Anger never did anyone any good. Understanding? Well, the results are not as quick as the vigilante’s bullet, but they are certainly much more constructive.

1 Romans 7:15

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Devotionals

Face and Defeat Your Fears

by David Ferguson
written by David Ferguson

What are our sources of fear? From where do they originate? Past hurts can lead to present fear. Any traumatic event-a painful divorce, a car accident, a debilitating illness can cause us to fear what’s ahead. The hurt we experienced must be properly dealt with before the fear will subside. Lies from Satan and our own self-talk can immobilize us. Satan is called the father of lies (John 8:44), which implies that he tells a lot of them, and he’s good at it. Often, his lies are intended to make us fearful. For example, you will read an article in the newspaper about teenage drug abuse and Satan will suggest, “Your kid will become part of the drug culture.” Lies can often be self-inflicted. Our minds will wander aimlessly, inadvertently attach to a random thought and embrace and embellish it. Perhaps you live with the nagging thought that you will never amount to anything. You live with the fear of failure every day. We can also fear the unusual and the unknown. Perhaps the disciples were feeling anxious about the unknown when Jesus announced that after three years of being together, He was going to leave them. Anxious thoughts no doubt raced through their hearts: “What are we going to do after Jesus leaves? Just fish and collect taxes again?” Jesus, sensing their anxiety, said to them, “Do not let your hearts by troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me.” John 14:1.

 

So how do we gain victory over fear? Here are a few simple suggestions. The mental dimension of fear is ministered to by truth. (John 8:32). The emotional dimension of fear is ministered to by perfect love. ((1 John 4:18). The volitional dimension of fear is ministered to by faith (Luke 8:25). John 8:32 says that the truth will set us free. When our fear is based on lies, truth will help bring relief. 1 John 4:18 teaches that “Perfect love casts out all fear.” Perfect love can be expressed by a reassuring presence from a loved one, a concerted effort to write, call or visit the person on a regular basis. Don’t leave them out in the cold. Perfect love is expressed by caring involvement. Helping the person to drive again after they have been in a car accident, being trustworthy for a friend who has been betrayed, listening to them as they process their fearful emotions are ways to show “perfect love.” As we look through the future, we can view it through the lens of fear or the lens of faith. Just as fear is future-oriented (we do not fear the past), faith is future-oriented. God promises, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…your Heavenly Father knows what you need…But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:25,32-33.

 

Never face your fears alone. Jesus is there to meet you in the midst of your fear. God wants us to bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and that includes sharing and bearing the fears and anxieties of those who are paralyzed by fear. Wouldn’t it be profitable to share with someone who loves you, all the fears and anxieties with which you struggle, and to be able to do that on a regular basis? This is God’s design and will!

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Articles

Grieving Your Mother on Mother’s Day

by Larry Barber
written by Larry Barber

It would soon be Mother’s Day again, and I was dreading it. I wasn’t dreading the day for myself, but for my children who had lost their mother Cindy and two-year-old sister Katie after a traffic accident.  Every Mother’s Day after my wife’s death had been shear torture for my family as in church services the congregation took out time from worship to honor the mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers attending the service. I didn’t begrudge the families that special time honoring their mothers, but each Mother’s Day ceremony was just another reminder of the tremendous losses my family endured. I knew it was a painful flashback to my wife’s sudden and tragic death.  But I still had my mother at the time, and I could only imagine how painful it was for my son and daughter as they watched a carefully crafted, loving collage of photos of other mothers and their children.  To make it worse, the barrage of pictures had a soundtrack of “sappy” music meant to evoke an emotional response.  My gut response was to grab my children and exit the church sanctuary, flee into the parking lot, load up the car and head for the shelter of our home, but I didn’t.   I just endured the experience.

Some Mother’s Days my family had just stayed at home to avoid the experience.  I was tempted to play hooky from church again, but one Sunday before Mother’s Day something in me told me that I needed to let the church leadership know how I and my children felt on Mother’s Day without our family’s mother.  Surely there were others who had lost their mother and felt the same way.  Maybe we could honor mothers in a different way that was less distressing for those mourning the loss of a mother.

I saw the minister walking to his office after the service, and I knew what I had to do. I stopped him and asked if I could request a favor.  “This Sunday could we do something special for those who don’t have their mothers with them anymore?” I asked.

The minister’s softened as he said, “Well, I don’t know, Larry. Let me talk with the staff and see what we can do.”  The minister knew our story because he had spoken at Cindy and Katie’s double funeral

I walked away feeling relieved that I had let someone know how I felt. Maybe things would change, and maybe they wouldn’t.  At least I had made my needs known.

On Mother’s Day much to my dismay the traditional college of pictures of mothers and children and the “sappy” music began. I have to admit that I was disappointed.  The usual painful feelings and the hurt for my children returned.  Maybe I had not given the minister and the church staff enough lead time to make a change in how we observed Mother’s Day.  The pictures and the music seemed to go on forever.

Then the pictures and music stopped. Before my family could get seated, the minister stepped up to the pulpit and said, “Now I would like to ask all those of you who no longer have your mother with you in this life to please stand as we say a prayer over you.”

“Dear Father God,” the minister said as we and others around the sanctuary remained standing. “We thank you for the blessings of mothers in our lives. At this time though we pray a special blessing and care for those standing now who no longer have their mothers in their lives…..”

As I began to cry, my knees buckled, but I made an extra special effort to remain standing in honor of my children’s mother and my wife. I looked over as my children’s heads were bowed in prayer.

The minister continued, “Be with them today and watch over them. Let them remember the wonderful gifts that their loving, sacrificing mothers have given them.  Fill their hearts with gratitude for their mother as they review the special memories of their mother’s life.  In Jesus’ name we pray.  Amen.”

That was the best Mother’s Day I had experienced in a long time.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise”  available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble or Christianbook.com.

www.griefminister.com.

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Sermons

When Pain Becomes Your Pulpit: Psalm 9

by Tommy Nelson
written by Tommy Nelson

What do you do when you feel that the world has gathered against you? The hardest thing you ever do is to wait in God’s promises and rest. That’s where you come to know Him. God doesn’t cater to wicked men. He breaks them and brings them to repentance. Your pain is going to become your pulpit if you wait long enough and trust Him.

Preached at Denton Bible Church. Used by permission.

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Articles

How Do I Handle the Ache of Loneliness?

by Lysa TerKeurst
written by Lysa TerKeurst

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Ephesians 3:17b-18 (NIV)
I don’t like to be in pain. In any way. And if I’m not careful, this aversion to pain can lead to me grabbing for something to fill the deep ache in my soul.
Maybe you can relate.

When you’re lonely and you see your ex-boyfriend post a picture with a new girl — laughing, holding hands, and looking like the happiest they’ve ever been — your flesh will want to grab at something. It’s hard not to comfort yourself by texting another guy to grab a little attention and make yourself feel better.

When you’re listening to other moms talk about all the progress their children are making in reading and your child can’t even identify letters yet, your flesh will want to grab at something. It’s hard not to throw out a statement to one-up the bragging moms in an area where your child is excelling.

And all these things we’re tempted to grab at? They won’t fill us the way we think they will. In the end, they only make us feel emptier. But how do we tell our flesh no when we are desperate for relief?
I have discovered that the more we fill ourselves from God’s life-giving love, the less we will be dictated by the grabby-ness of our flesh.

One of the most beautiful descriptions of the fullness of God is found in Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians:
“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:14-19, NIV)

My favorite part of Paul’s prayer is him asking that we have the power to grasp the fullness of the love of Christ … for then we will be filled with the fullness of God.

If we grasp the full love of Christ, we won’t grab at other things to fill us. Or if we do, we’ll sense it. We’ll feel a prick in our spirit when our flesh makes frenzied swipes at happiness and we’ll pause.
In this pause we find a great daily choice we can make. Am I willing to tell my flesh no, so that I can say yes to the fullness of God in this situation?

And this isn’t about us putting on a brave face and hoping for the best when we feel powerless. We have the power through Christ, who is over every power, including the pull of the flesh. When we have Christ, we are full — fully loved and accepted and empowered to say no.

This is true on the days we feel it, and it’s still true when we don’t feel Jesus’ love at all. If we live rooted and established in His love, we don’t just have knowledge of His love in our minds, but it becomes a reality that anchors us. Though winds of hurt blow, they cannot uproot us and rip us apart. His love holds us. His love grounds us. His love is a glorious weight preventing the harsh words and hurtful situations from being a destructive force. We feel the wind but aren’t destroyed by it. This is the “fullness of God.”

There is power in really knowing this. This isn’t dependent on what you’ve accomplished. Or on another person loving you or accepting you. Nor is it because you always feel full. You are full, because Christ brought the fullness to you.

Yes, I am fully loved, fully accepted, and fully empowered to say no to my flesh. Speak that truth in the power He’s given you. Believe that truth in the power He’s given you. Live that truth in the power He’s given you.

That’s how we tell our flesh no. That’s how we live fully prepared in the fullness of God.
Father God, thank You for Your love for me that knows no end. Help me look to You and You alone to fill me. I want my roots to go down ever deeper in Your love. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

www.lysaterkeurst.com.

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Articles

Victory Verses to Process Your Grief

by Larry Barber
written by Larry Barber

All of us have our weak moments in life–those moments when we doubt ourselves, our ability and our resources available to help us face up to the challenges of simply going forward in life.  Therefore, it is very understandable how we mourners confronted with the overwhelming, all-consuming, energy-draining experience of grief can begin to doubt our abilities to proceed any further without the physical presence of our loved one who has died.

I remember a young father whose teenage son had died in an automobile accident just weeks earlier telling me,  “Larry,  these two months of grieving my son have just been more than I thought I could ever bear.  I am a relatively young person who could live for another thirty or forty years.  If I can barely withstand two months of grief,  I wonder how i will ever endure thirty of forty years of missing my son and hurting like hell all that time!”

All of us mourners doubt because we are human and sometimes we are totally exhausted from the struggle in grief.  When mourning clients, friends or family members ask me how they can go on, I ask them to do a short mental exercise.  I ask them to pretend that they are the one who has died and their loved one is now left behind.  I then ask what they would want for their loved one left behind after their death.  They usually say things like:

  • “I would want them to grieve for a little while but to go on.
  • “I would want them to enjoy a happy, fulfilling life.”
  •  “I would want them to find peace.”
  • “I wouldn’t want their life to be ruined simply because I died.”

That is what you would want for your loved ones if you died.  And that is what your loved one who has died wants for you.   The best way that you can honor and respect the wishes and memory of your loved one who has died is to mourn them in healthy ways and to lead a good life.  That means going on despite your doubts in grief.  By defeating those doubts and courageously facing the grief in your life when all seems impossible you build a lasting living memorial to your loved one.

Below are fourteen common self-defeating thoughts that happen often to humans just like you in grief.  When doubt hits causing you to believe that you can not do grief alone and on your own power, then don’t.  Call upon the resources that you have available to you — family, friends, co-workers, church ministers and fellow members, and your core beliefs in a Power beyond  yourself.

Whenever the following thoughts of doubt and  self defeat strike, read the texts beside them and look thoroughly for the hope, encouragement and support written into these scriptures for your personal grief situation.

  • “IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”  All things are possible – Luke 18:27
  • “IT’S HOPELESS!”  In Christ, we find our hope – 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
  • “I’M TOO TIRED!”  I will give you rest – Matthew 11:28-30
  • “I CANNOT GO ON!”  My grace is sufficient – 2 Corinthians 12:9 & Psalms 91:15
  • “I CANNOT DO IT!”  You can do all things – Philippians 4:13
  • “I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT!”  I’ll direct your steps – Proverbs 3:5-6
  • “IT’S NOT WORTH ALL THE TROUBLE (OR PAIN)!”  It will soon be worth it all – Romans 8: 28
  • “I CANNOT FORGIVE MYSELF!”  I forgive you – 1 John 1: 9 & Romans 8:1
  • “I CANNOT MANAGE IT!”  I will supply all of your needs – Philippians 4:19
  • “I AM AFRAID WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN!”  I have not given you a spirit of fear – 2 Timothy 1:7
  • “I AM ALWAYS WORRIED & FRUSTRATED!”  Cast all your care on Him – 1 Peter 5:7
  • “I DO NOT HAVE THE FAITH IT TAKES!”  I’ve given everyone a measure of faith – Romans 12:3
  • “I AM JUST NOT SMART ENOUGH!”  I give you wisdom – 1 Corinthians 1:30 & James 1:5
  • “I AM ALL ALONE!”  I will never leave you or forsake you – Hebrews 13:5
  • www.griefminister.com. Edited by Christopher Taylor.
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Articles

Comfort Like You Really Mean It

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

A mother asked, “Where have you been?” Her little girl replied, “On my way home I met a friend who was crying because she had broken her doll.”

 

“Oh,” said her mother, “then you stopped to help her fix the doll?”

“No,” replied the little girl, “I stopped to help her cry.”

Hurt and pain are inevitable. It’s not a matter of if we’re going to be hurt, but rather when and how we will deal with the pain.

Pain takes many forms. It can be physical (a sprained ankle), social (exclusion from a group), or emotional (embarrassment, disappointment). Some hurts may be perceived as relatively minor—“I was embarrassed at lunch today when I spilled ketchup on my shirt.” Others are major—“My father abandoned me.”

There’s only one antidote for hurt—comfort.

Here are some practical suggestions on how to comfort other people.

Learn to sense when someone is hurting and be willing and available to help her.

We’re often unaware when people are hurting. Sometimes circumstances will give us a clue (physical illness, death of a loved one, divorce or separation, loss of a job), but often it’s not so apparent. So be discerning and learn to recognize when people are in need of comforting

When you do sense that someone is hurting, are you willing to slow down and take the time to minister comfort or do you choose not to “go there”? You must be discerning, willing, and available.

When someone is hurting, if possible, enter her physical world.

While it is possible to comfort someone over the phone or in a letter, it is best done in person and preferably in the hurting person’s space. If your friend is hurting, instead of suggesting, “Susan, it sounds like we need to talk. Can you drop by my office this afternoon?” it’s better to offer, “Susan, it sounds like we need to talk. Can I come by your office this afternoon?”

Enter her mental and emotional world.

Humans live in at least three “worlds” simultaneously: physical, mental and emotional. While it’s easy to determine where someone is physically, it’s more difficult to determine where she is mentally and emotionally. But to comfort effectively it helps to understand what a person is thinking and feeling. Often, just asking directly – “How are you feeling? What are you thinking?” – is sufficient. At other times it takes more effort, particularly if the person is guarded and reticent to share.

Listen.

A good comforter must be a good listener. Let the one who is hurt do most of the talking; if you talk too much you’ll inevitably engage in unproductive responses.

When someone needs comfort, avoid these unproductive responses.

  • Advice/instruction – “Let me give you some steps of action to solve the problem.” Or, “Maybe next time that happens you should…”
  • Logic/reasoning – “Let me analyze the situation and tell you why it happened.” Or, “I think the reason this happened was because…”
  • Pep talk – “You’re a winner! You’ll make it through these tough times!” Or, “I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.”
  • Minimize – “Sure it hurts, but get it in perspective, there’s a lot going on that’s good.” Or, “Aren’t you being overly sensitive?”
  • Anger – “That makes me so mad! They shouldn’t get away with that!” Or, “I’m so upset that you keep getting yourself hurt.”
  • Martyr’s complex – “I had something similar happen to me.” Or, “After the kind of day I had, let me tell you what hurt really feels like.”
  • Personal fear/anxiety – “I’m afraid that what has happened to you is going to affect my life too.”
  • Silence/neglect – Not saying anything.
  • Fix it – “I can’t believe that salesman talked to you like that. I’m calling the store right now and talking to his boss.” Or, “Sorry you had a flat tire on that lonely road. Tomorrow I’ll get a set of new tires.”
  • Spiritualize – “Well, you know that God will work all of this out for your good.”

While some of these responses may be appropriate to share after the hurting person has been comforted, they don’t work as the initial response.

Learn the “vocabulary of comfort.”

Often, we don’t know what to say to someone who is hurting because we’ve never developed an appropriate vocabulary. We don’t need to say a lot, a few choice sentences are sufficient. Here are some suggestions.

  • I’m so sorry that you are hurting.
  • It saddens me that you’re hurting. I love you and care for you.
  • I’m committed to help you through this difficult time.
  • It saddens me that you felt _________ (embarrassed, rejected, belittled). I know that must have hurt.
  • I know that you’re hurting. I just wanted to come be with you.

When speaking words of comfort, it’s also important that our tone of voice complement what is being said. Our speech should be warm, sincere and gentle.

Use appropriate non-verbal gestures.

A warm embrace or gentle touch can express comfort. Tears shed for someone else can convey love beyond words.

Jess Moody says this about comfort, “Have you ever taken a real trip down inside the broken heart of a friend? To feel the sob of the soul – the raw, red crucible of emotional agony? To have this become almost as much yours as that of your soul-crushed neighbor? Then, to sit down with him – and silently weep? This is the beginning of compassion.”

We continually come in contact with people who are hurting. Let’s minister grace and healing to them through the simple but effective gift of comfort.

www.donmcminn.com. Original material from Dr. David Ferguson of www.greatcommandment.net.

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Ask Roger

Job: Why Does God Do Things We Can’t Understand?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

I’ve been having some really serious health problems and one of my Christian friends recommended that I read the book of Job. That was the worst advice I’ve ever gotten. Job was an incredibly depressing book. I stopped reading about the middle of chapter five. All it did was make me feel worse. Why is this book even in the Bible?

Sincerely, Christine

Dear Christine,

Many are the reasons why the book of Job should be in the Bible. Among other things, it deals with the age-old question of why good people suffer.

But, there’s a lot more than that to the book of Job.

I think it will help if I overview the book and draw some lessons.

The First Two Chapters of Job: ‘The Test’

Satan appeared before God in heaven. God asks Satan if he’s noticed his servant, Job. God says to Satan: “There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

Satan replied, “Job only loves you because of all the things you give him. Take away everything he has and he will curse you to your face.”

God says, “Okay, I’ll take the challenge; I’ll take down my hedge of protection and you may strike everything he has but on the man himself, do not lay a finger.”

In rapid succession Job loses his sheep, servants, oxen, donkeys, camels and all of his children.

Job fell to his knees in worship and said, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Instead of cursing God, he blessed him.

God said to Satan, “Job kept his integrity and refused to curse me, even though you incited me against him.”

Satan replied, “Skin for skin! A man will give all that he has to save his life. Stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

God said, “All right, do with him as you please but you cannot kill him.”

Satan afflicted him with painful sores from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head. He took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself as he sat among the ashes in the garbage dump.

In a quick and brutal sweep of calamities, allowed by God, but engineered by Satan, Job is reduced to a twisted mass of brokenness and grief. He is left penniless, homeless, helpless, childless—and healthless.

Then, his wife taunted, “Why don’t you just curse God and die?”

Job replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble? In all this Job did not sin with what he said.

Three friends arrive with plans to comfort him. First, they don’t recognize him, which tells us something of the swelling and sores all over him. Then, at a loss for words, they sit and stare wordlessly for seven days. Unfortunately, when they spoke, they switched from their comforting intentions to massive condemnation.

Valuable Lessons in Job 1 and Job 2:

-Hold everything lightly. The Lord can give and the Lord can take away.

-Be alert! Many of our troubles are the result of the spiritual battles behind the scenes.

-We face an unseen, god-hating enemy who would love to destroy us. Fortunately, we are not defenseless.

-God provides us a hedge of protection. Don’t be stupid. Stay inside it.

-Satan can’t touch us unless God lowers the hedge.

-Sometimes the best comfort is when someone puts their arms around us and never says a word.

-Life is not fair. There are trials we endure that we do not deserve. Mourn and receive comfort for your hurts and live on.

-Never curse God. You may need Him one day.

Job 3: Descent into Depression

Even the godly can be depressed. There is no contradiction between being a person of great faith and a person of great despair at the same time.

Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth…Why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child–like an infant who never saw the light of day…For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared most has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil. (Job 3:1-26)

Some say that it is a sin for a Christian to be depressed! People will threaten, “If you have more faith, you wouldn’t have this problem.” This kind of thinking is hurtful and ignorant. Those who think like this have never experienced the “black dog of depression.” Think about it. No one complains about receiving medicine for high blood pressure or thyroid problems: “If we had more faith, we wouldn’t have high blood pressure!” That’s ridiculous. Sometimes we need some medicinal help to balance the struggles of life.

The language of depression sounds something like this: “There’s no hope; nothing is going right; I’ve never been so miserable in my life; I’m trapped; Things will never get better; Nobody loves me.”

To help the depressed, we must speak with words that the depressed can understand. To be of any help we must speak the language of comfort.

Jesus taught the language of comfort in Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall receive comfort.”

Notice what Jesus didn’t say: “Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be told, “Don’t cry “It’s not that bad; or, “All things work together for those that love God (and then aunt Susie dies); or “Let me give you the reasons why this happened; or, “I’ve been through a lot worse than this;” or “If you were just a better Christian, this never would’ve happened”; or, “Would you please stop crying, you’re just making everyone nervous.”

No! The language of comfort sounds like this: “I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Or, Life is not supposed to be that way. Or, “my heart is breaking as you’re going through this.”

Valuable Lessons in Job 3:

-Depression is a natural response to hurt and loss.

-When you’re mourning, find people who know the language of comfort.

-To help the depressed, we must speak the language of comfort.

– Encouragement, understanding, reasoning, and how to fix it are important; however, these come later on after sufficient mourning has occurred.

Unfortunately, Three of Job’s Friends Judge Him in Job 4

In three philosophical cycles, Job’s three friends declare, with massive condemnation, that Job’s plight is all his fault (Job 4:1 through Job 31:40).

I’ll summarize their speeches.

Eliphaz: “You are suffering because you sinned.”

Bildad: “You won’t admit you sinned, so God is sending more suffering.”

Zophar: “Your sin is so bad that you even deserve more suffering than this.”

Job responds to each: “It is not my fault. I have done nothing wrong.” He has flashes of insight mixed with depression, self-condemnation, and pain.

Valuable Lessons in Job 4:1-31


-In our arrogance, we often forget that we can be dead wrong.

-Don’t argue theology. Don’t attack. Someone always gets hurt. When discussing theology, remember Solomon’s advice: “A soft answer turns away wrath.”

-The goal is not who wins or loses. The goal is to reach an understanding of another’s position.

-Listen attentively to what’s being said. Repeat carefully what you think the other person is saying. When both of you are on the same page, you may proceed.

-If the discussion becomes hot and angry, and you feel that you’re getting into a fight, it’s often best to disengage before anyone gets hurt.

-Arguing theological differences has instigated wars with victims in the millions.

Fortunately, in Job 32, One of Job’s Friends Helps Him

Then, one more “friend,” Elihu, enters the discussion. He gives an accurate diagnosis of Job’s plight: Job is proud and arrogant Job 32:1-37

Again and again Job has declared himself to be a righteous man who can’t comprehend why God would “pick on” a blameless man like him.

So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes. But Elihu became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, and yet they had condemned him (Job 32:1-3).

Then, Elihu speaks to Job:

But you have said in my hearing, I heard the very words, ’I am pure and without sin; I am clean and free from guilt. Yet God has found fault with me; he considers me as enemy.’ However; I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man.

Job is speechless. He needed Elihu’s evaluation to help reveal his pride! Job 32:1-37.

Finally, in Job 38, God Speaks

Beginning in chapter 38, God finally speaks. He asks Job over 70 questions about science and life for which Job has no answer Job 38:1-41.

It is as if God said: “Since you can’t answer my questions, who are you to question my motives and sovereignty? The issue all along was trust. I wanted to know if you served me for Who I am and not for what I give you?”

Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said: who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings laid, or who laid its cornerstone—when all the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy…Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the consolations in their seasons and lead out the bear with its Cubs? (Job 38:1-41)

What Job Learns from God

Job is absolutely horrified as he faces the vast distance between him and God.

-Our most debilitating sin is pride. Most of us are not as good as we think we are. We must deal with our pride.

-Refuse the temptation to think that we know how to run our lives better than he does.

-Don’t argue with God. He always wins in the end.

The Lord God Wraps up the Story in Job 42

In Job 42, it finally dawns on Job what the Lord is saying. His plan is profound. His reasoning is right. His ways are higher than we can understand. Finally, Job waves the flag of surrender and says, “I back away, I retreat, I repent. Lord, my heart is yours and I place myself at your disposal.”

Like Isaiah, Job was allowed to see the Lord high and mighty and lifted up as he knelt to worship.

God was quite angry with Job’s three friends. He told them to make sacrifices and ask for forgiveness. That done, Job prayed for them.

The Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before: 14,000 sheep; 6,000 camels; 1,000 yoke of oxen; 1,000 donkeys; seven sons; and three daughters.

He lived 140 years which enabled him to see his children to the fourth generation.

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first. (Job 42:12)

Valuable Lessons in Job 42

-God wants to bless us.

-Listen carefully and respond properly when someone gives you a loving, biblical rebuke.

-“Lord, help me to see myself from your perspective,” is a great prayer.

-When pride creeps in, confess your sin and humble yourself before God.

-God has plans to bless us.

-When we encounter trials and sufferings it’s good to first ask God what’s going on.

-God disciplines us for our own good that we may share in his holiness (Hebrews 12).

Well, Christine, I hope this answers your question. There are many good lessons to be found in the book of Job if you persevere. Happy reading!

Love, Roger

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Devotionals

How to Be Insensitive

by John Beeson
written by John Beeson
“Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. And Elkenah, her husband, said to her, ‘Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” -1 Samuel 1:7b-8
We’ve all walked through darkness and we’ve all walked with others in the midst of darkness. Since we have all been in the place of those who have struggled with discouragement and even depression, why are so few people effective in caring for others in the midst of discouragement?
In 1 Samuel 1 we meet a women whose heart is broken. As was common in the ancient world, she placed her hope and value in her children, but she was childless. Enter her well-meaning, but clumsy husband. His care starts off in good form: “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad.” Excellent! But then Elkenah’s well-intentioned encouragement goes off the rails, “Am I not more to you than ten sons?” Face meet palm.
Hannah finds herself in the temple at Shilloh, and is pouring out her heart in prayer to God, weeping “bitterly” as she prays silently. Enter Eli, the clueless priest. He approaches this weeping woman and accuses her of being drunk. Facepalm.
Let’s not be Elkenah and Eli when we are with those who are discouraged. Here are three ways we can mess up care and two ways to care well.
Here is how to care cluelessly:
  • Over-talk: Elkenah peppered Hannah with questions. Eli spoke too quickly.
  • Make it about you: Elkenah made Hannah’s discouragement over not having a son about her relationship with him.
  • Presume: Eli may well have had other drunk worshipers at his temple. His own sons probably got drunk in the temple frequently. But don’t presume that what you have observed before is going on with the person in front of you. Don’t write your story over theirs.
Here is how to care well:
  • Embrace silence: one of the most effective methods of care is to be present silently with someone who is suffering. If Elkenah or Eli would have put their hand on Hannah’s shoulder and silently prayed with her, they would have been much better caretakers.
  • Make it about them: Elkenah’s question “why is your heart sad?” is a good one. Probe. Allow space. And listen.
  • Pray: Eli does a 180 when he realizes he has misjudged Hannah and he prays encouragement over Hannah, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.”
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Articles

How to Understand Someone Who is Grieving

by Larry Barber
written by Larry Barber

At many points after a loss, the mourning person can benefit from the support of others. Individual grief reactions can vary widely from person to person and also within the same person over time. Accordingly, friends need to be ready to accept and support the griever through a wide range of emotions.

Reactions to Loss

Mourning people will experience many reactions to their loss as they deal with grief:

  • At various times, but especially at first, the mourning person may experience intense and sometimes conflicting feelings or may deny that the loss has occurred.

  • Strong feelings such as sadness, helplessness, loneliness, guilt, or anger can emerge. Experiencing and accepting these feelings as natural represents an important part of the recovery process.

  • Ultimately, the mourning person reaches a point in the recovery process where the loss becomes integrated into his or her set of life experiences. He or she is now better able to carry out the task of daily living.

  • Throughout their grief journey, people who are mourning will experience many reactions. Some of the following reactions may be experienced many times.

  1. Denial, shock and numbness – Reactions which distance the mourning person from the loss, thereby protecting him/her from being overwhelmed by emotions.

  2. Emotional release – These reactions accompany realizations of different aspects of the loss; they frequently involve much crying and are important to the healing process.

  3. Depression – Natural feelings beyond sadness (e.g., feelings of loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, self-pity) which occur as the person more clearly recognizes the extent of the loss. For some people, reactive depression is part of the internal processing of the loss that the mourning person must go through before reorganizing his/her life.

  4. Panic – Feeling overwhelmed, confused, fearful, unable to cope, and even believing something is wrong with oneself.

  5. Remorse – Following a loss (whether through death, relationship break up, or disability) a mourning person sometimes becomes preoccupied with thoughts of what he/she might have done differently to have prevented the loss or to have made things better. This can be helpful as the person tries to make sense out of his or her situation, but can also lead to unrealistic feelings of remorse or guilt.

  6. Anger – This is a frequent response to a perception of injustice and powerlessness. A significant loss can threaten the mourning person’s basic beliefs about himself or herself or about life in general. As a result (often to the mourning person’s bewilderment), he or she can feel anger at a person perceived as responsible for the loss or at God or life in general for the injustice of the loss; and also, in cases of loss through death, at the deceased for dying.

  7. The Need to Talk – In order to recognize and come to terms with the impact of the loss, the mourning person may express feelings, tell stories, and share memories, sometimes over and over with many different people.

  8. Physical ailments – In response to the emotional stress of grief, the immune systems of many people become suppressed or depleted, which makes the body more vulnerable to a variety of physical ailments during the months following loss (e.g., colds, nausea, hypertension, etc.).

A good rule of thumb for those seeking to support the mourner: If at any time, the person’s grief starts to affect adversely their ability to function in a healthy way at home, work or in the community, then it is a good time to get professional help for the mourner.

Also whenever the person providing support to the mourner feels inadequate to fulfill his or her job as comforter, it is a good time to refer the mourner to professional help.

www.griefminister.com.

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Articles

Lessons in Loss: Three Inspiring Bible Widows

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

My best friend Abby was widowed at 44. Her husband John passed away from sleep apnea. He was healthy. No warning. Four little faces greeted Mom at the breakfast table. They had no idea their Daddy was gone. Ten years later, Abby cautiously remarried. Two years after she tied the knot, Abby’s second husband died following a gruesome battle with cancer. Abby loved and lost. Devastating! 

 

Over 220,000 Americans died in World War II. Men and women who sent their loved ones into battle kissed their spouses goodbye never knowing if that goodbye would be their last. According to wiserwomen.org, 50% of women will lose their spouses by age 65.

 

My Mom was happily married to my Dad for 63 years. She told me her deepest hurt was going to sleep at night in an empty bed. My Mother-in-Law lost her first husband in World War II. My husband Roger never knew of his Mom’s first marriage until long after his mother’s death. Helen never grieved openly, and because she hid her pain, she was fearful and angry most of her life.

 

How will you face the empty bed? The empty pew? Many women tell me that losing a mate ls like losing a limb. They have to redefine who they are and how they relate to others. Couple friendships may be awkward. income may be reduced. It’s a torturous, treacherous journey. Only by the grace of God can one survive it.

 

The Bible is filled with stories of widows. We can learn much from them.

 

Ruth and Naomi demonstrated two different ways of dealing with grief. Naomi cried, “Don’t call me Naomi (which means pleasant)” she told them. “Call me Mara (bitter) because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.” Ruth 1:20.

 

Ruth, also heartbroken, showed incredible love and loyalty to her mother-in-law:

 

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” Ruth 1:16-17.

 

Ruth taught us two invaluable lessons about grief: don’t grieve alone, and face your future with faith.

 

Too often we pull away from comforters because we are afraid to show our weakness. Too often we turn away from God because we are angry with Him for taking away the love of our life. Naomi wallowed in self-pity. Ruth clung to her dear mother-in-law. She forsook the worship of Chemosh, the Semitic god she feared, for a life-long commitment to Yahweh, the God she had yet to know.  The Moabite widow became a beloved wife, mother and the great-grandmother of Jesus.

 

Joppa’s widow Dorcas blessed others in her sorrow. Instead of allowing her overwhelming loss to engulf her in self-pity, Dorcas used her solitary moments to minister to the poor:

 

“In Joppa there was a disciple named Tabitha (in Greek her name is Dorcas); she was always doing good and helping the poor…

 When he (Peter) arrived, he was taken upstairs to the room. All the widows stood around him, crying and showing him the robes and other clothing that Dorcas had made while she was still with them.

Peter sent them all out of the room; then he got down on his knees and prayed. Turning toward the dead woman, he said, “Tabitha, get up.” She opened her eyes, and seeing Peter she sat up. He took her by the hand and helped her to her feet. Then he called for the believers, especially the widows, and presented her to them alive.” Acts 9:36-41

Dorcas cultivated a community of widows, a safe place for women to share their pain and an outlet to use their gifts to help others.

God not only blessed Dorcas for her generosity and faithfulness, He raised her from the dead!

The prophetess Anna is only mentioned in two short verses of the New Testament, but her story gives us the greatest inspiration in the loss of a spouse:

 

“There was also a prophet, Anna, the daughter of Penuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.” Luke 2:36-38.

 

Anna, alone and probably destitute, lived her life worshipping God. She drenched the temple floor with her tears. How unfair to lose her family at such a young age! But Anna prayed and praised her entire life. Her unfailing devotion to God was rewarded. Anna saw the Messiah and joyfully foretold His ministry and coming kingdom.

 

Anna probably lived sixty-five years without a husband. I’m sure there were mornings when she didn’t even want to get out of bed. But she kept coming back to God, giving Him glory day after day.

 

Christ created the church as a place of comfort, safety and service. Only in God’s presence do we find God’s healing and rest. 

 

Ruth, Dorcas and Anna teach us that tragedy does not have to define us. Widows have the unique opportunity to experience God’s sweetest favor (Psalm 68:5) protection and blessing (Psalm 146:9).

 

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy!” Psalm 38:11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Articles

Leaders: Five Keys to a Good Apology

by Carey Nieuwhof
written by Carey Nieuwhof

You probably have a love/hate relationship with apologies.

You appreciate it deeply when others apologize to you.

But you find it difficult to apologize to others.

And let me guess, when you do apologize, you’re tempted to explain, justify or defend your actions.

Which is not really an apology at all.

Please hear this. Two of the most powerful words a leader can utter are simply “I apologize”.

One of the reasons those two words are so powerful is because we hear them so rarely from leaders.

Think back over your life. When has a leader come to you, looked you straight in the eye, and offered an unconditional apology?

Rarely is my guess. Maybe never.

So let’s change that.

Here’s how.

5 WAYS TO APOLOGIZE WELL IN LEADERSHIP

At its heart, an apology is ownership. It says “I was responsible”. Whether you intended to hurt someone or mess up a situation is irrelevant.

Mature, responsible leaders know they are the problem, and they work hard to see and claim their share of anything that went wrong. They’re quick to accept blame, and even faster to assign credit to others when things go well.

These leaders know it’s not about them. It’s about the mission and the team.

So how do you apologize well in leadership?

Here are five guidelines that have helped me and that I’ve appreciated when I’ve seen them at work in other leaders:

1. GO FIRST

Often when a situation gets messed up, people are wondering what to do with it. Sweep it under the rug? Let it go? Wait for someone else to take the lead.

If you’re a leader–even if you’re not the senior leader–take the initiative. Go first.

If you do, you’ll not only break the ice, you’ll give others permission to take their share of responsibility AND you’ll make the situation better.

So go first.

2. SAY IT IN PERSON, BUT IF YOU CAN’T, DON’T DELAY

Ideally, you will take the person or people involved aside, look them in the eye and own your part of the problem (which sometimes is 100% of the problem).

But if you’re not going to see them soon, don’t delay.

In the last week, I’ve sent two emails to apologize for the tone in which I communicated something because I knew I wasn’t going to see the person within 24 hours.

Whatever you do, own what you need to own quickly.

3. BE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT WENT WRONG AND WHAT YOU DID

When things go wrong, the temptation is to be vague.

“Well, I’m not really sure what happened but I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“I don’t really know why it didn’t get done, but I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

I hear this all the time and it drives me crazy.

Really? How can you be sure it never happens again if you don’t even know what happened?

Being vague on the details is a sign that you don’t really care enough to figure out what happened.

Great leaders do solid post mortems on tough situations so they can figure out what happened, what they could have done to avoid it, and then figure out how to not let it happen again.

When you’re owning a situation and apologizing for your role in it, being as specific as you can makes your apology mean more and makes you much more effective as a leader moving forward.

4. DON’T DEFEND

Our word “apology” comes from the Greek word (apologia), which means “defense”.

That’s not a bad thing when you’re engaging in apologetics (defending or advancing a belief system), but it’s a terrible thing to do when you are actually apologizing.

Saying things like “If she had delivered the first version to me on time I would have had it done on time” doesn’t help.

A defense is often an abdication of responsibility.

Don’t defend yourself. Don’t blame others.

Just own it and apologize.

5. DON’T JUSTIFY

This is closely related to not defending yourself, but it’s so natural and common to justify your failure that it deserves mentioning.

Sure, traffic might have been slow. But you should have left 10 minutes earlier.

Yes, the shipment was delayed, but your job was to get it there on time, wasn’t it?

Absolutely, you were tired. But just because you were tired doesn’t mean you can dump all over people.

Those may be explanations, but they are not justifications. They don’t make what you did or failed to do right.

Never use an explanation as a justification. Even if you talk about reasons, still own your failure 100% (“I was really tired, but I was also really wrong. I apologize.”)

Take responsibility.

I find that when I apologize using these guidelines, things go much better for the team and for me. Why? Because I grow, and I learn. And I become a better leader when I take full responsibility.

www.careynieuwhof.com. Used by permission.

 

 

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Ask Roger

What Angels Do for You

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

I have studied Scriptures about angels in the Bible, but there doesn’t seem to be much information about how angels interact with us. How can we actually know that they are engaging with us? I’ve never seen an angel. How do we know that they are really there and caring for us?

Sincerely, Caitlin

Dear Caitlin,

I’d like my answer to be interactive. At the end of each section I’ll share some ‘exercise’ suggestions as to how you might engage with angels to enrich your life and ministry.

Both good (godly) angels and bad (demonic) angels exist.

I will use the terms “godly angels” or “good angels” to refer to God’s angels who are dedicated to enhancing the kingdom of God on earth. These good angels minister and interact with Christians:

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation? – Hebrews 14:1

We will use the term, “demons” or “demonic” to refer to Satan’s bad angels. Demons are intent on destroying the kingdom of God on earth. Bad angels are working behind the scenes to influence the affairs of nations and wreak havoc in the lives of Christians.

Many groups and cults claim to use angels for guidance, worship, revelation, sexual carousing, and spiritual secrets known only to the leaders.

Beware that these may be masquerading demons.

In one way or another they distort and confuse the gospel while twisting it into something it is not. Any angel who fails to follow the principles and teachings of the Bible is a demonic angel.

I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called and are turning to a different gospel–which is really no gospel at all…But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned – Galatians 1:6-9

Good angels are responsible for delivering godly messages, providing care, and protecting God’s children.

There’s no doubt that godly angels were active in our house the day that our three-year-old daughter was toddling toward our two-foot-deep-tile bathtub.

I was at the back of our house when I heard Julie yell, “Roger get back here quickly!” Julie and I collided as we ran simultaneously down the hall. We got there just in time. Brie was already on the edge.

I said to Julie, “I’m sure glad you called me to come quickly.”

Julie replied, “I didn’t call you, you called me.”

I’m so glad that Brianna’s guardian angel was on duty that afternoon. She got the protection. We got the message.

An angelic messenger should be no surprise. In Greek the word “angel” means “messenger.”

I’ve watched for angels ever since.

For he will command his angels concerning youto guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.  – Psalm 91:11-12 NIV

Exercise:
Meditate on the fact that angels are deeply involved with our safety, even if we can’t see them.

Good angels are not omnipotent, omniscient, or omnipresent, but they are really fast!

Daniel chapter nine records Daniel’s prayer for forgiveness, mercy and God’s future dealings with Israel. As soon as Daniel began praying, the good angel Gabriel was dispatched from heaven to earth with the answer to Daniel’s prayer. Gabriel arrived just as Daniel was saying “amen.”

The fact that it takes three minutes to read Daniel’s prayer from beginning to end means that Gabriel traveled for only three minutes to get from heaven to earth. That’s really fast!

Is it a good angel or the Holy Spirit delivering a message to me?

One of my friends asked me an intriguing question: “When something happens, how do we know if it’s the Holy Spirit communicating or an angel addressing us?” I’d never thought about that before.

So, one Friday I was sitting in the grandstand of the Tucson Open golf tournament when I received this deep impression that I needed to go back to work at church. The impression was overwhelming. However, I’d arranged for time off and I had front-row seats. I had no intention of missing the action. So, I pushed the impression aside and continued enjoying the tournament. But, I was assaulted with an overwhelming impression to hurry back to church. Finally, I surrendered and returned to church.

Rhonda screamed at me, “Where have you been?! We’ve been calling everywhere to find you. Your daughter’s been shot.”

I raced to the hospital like a bullet shot from a gun. The drive-by shooting caught her in the back of the leg, missed the femoral artery and thus became a relatively “simple” fix.

Was an angel delivering a message? Or, perhaps was it the Holy Spirit?

I finally decided that it really didn’t matter. So I thanked both.

Exercise:
Think of a specific time when God warned you from a threatening situation. Consider that maybe an angel was involved. Why not give God a word of gratitude for guarding you?

I pray often for the ministry and well-being of my Guardian Angel.

Over the years, I’m often asked, “Does everyone have a guardian angel?” One thing Jesus said convinced me that we do.

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my father in heaven. – Matthew 18:10

I always appeal to a person’s guardian angel when I’m praying for someone in the hospital. I pray to “Jehovah Rophe,” the God who heals, and encourage the patient’s guardian angel to watch over them for a successful surgery with no problems or complications.

Exercise:
When you are praying over someone who is suffering, you can ask God to send comforting angels just like He did when Elijah was discouraged when running from wicked Queen Jezebel:

Elijah said, “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night.” – 1 Kings 19:4-9.

Spiritual wars continuously rage between godly angels and demons.

While all the angels were originally created holy and without sin, there was a rebellion by Satan who sought to exalt himself above God. One-third of the angels joined with him in the rebellion (Revelation 12:4; <biblepassage book=”isa” chapter=”14″ translation=”niv” verseend=”14″ versestart=”12″ style=”box-sizing: border-box;”>Isaiah 14:12-14, </biblepassage>https://www.crosswalk.com/church/javascript/%7b%7dEzekiel 28:15).

Fallen angels are called “demons.” Demonic angels disobeyed and fell from their holy position.

Most of these battles are occurring in the spirit realm over the leadership of the various nations and over the souls of men and women.

For example, the book of Daniel has numerous descriptions of the behind-the-scene battles between godly and angels and demonic spirits:

Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me (Daniel), because I was detained there with the king of Persia…So the angel said, “Do you know why I have come to you? Soon I will return to fight against the Prince of Persia, and when I go, the Prince of Greece will come.  – Daniel 10:20-21

Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future for the vision concerns the time yet to come. – Daniel: 12-14

Some demonic spirits are territorial. Battles behind the scenes affect the affairs of countries based on the outcome of godly angelic and demonic battles.

John wrote,“There was war in heaven, Michael and his angels waging war with the dragon. And the dragon and his angels waged war” – Revelation 12:7

Robert is one of my heroes. We met doing mission work in Korea. He had just come from a revival of preaching the gospel in northern India. The night before his preaching tour was to conclude, an anti-Christian-Indian-religious-splinter group had marked him for death. To run away would make a mockery of his Christian faith; so, he decided to stay and preach the gospel even if it cost him his life.

The next morning Robert awakened as usual and sought out the tribal leader. Robert asked “Why didn’t you follow through?” To which he replied: “How could we, an army stood guard over you all night.”

Exercise:
Ask God to open your eyes to spiritual battles around you. Take your Bible and look up Ephesians 6:10-17. Memorize the tools God has given us to defeat and conquer the evil one. Use them daily.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 6:11-12

Please remember that Satan is not omniscient, omnipotent, or omnipresent. Satan himself is most likely not blinding everyone’s eyes. That work is left for individual demons.

Pray for both the Holy Spirit and for God’s angels who defeat the fallen angels against blinding unbelieving friends.

Be ready. Don’t be around when angels administer God’s judgments.

Now is the time to get ready for the Second Coming. You don’t want to be around when angels open the seals, blow the trumpets, pour out the bowls of wrath and unleash God’s judgment and devastation upon the earth (Revelation 4-18).

The only way to be sure you’ll avoid this devastation is to surrender your life to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble. – 2 Peter 1:10

Exercise:
Reconfirm that your commitment to Christ is safe and secure as you worship him as Lord and Savior.

A myriad of angels render non-stop praise and worship to God.

Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders.

In a loud voice they were saying: “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!” – Revelation 5:11-12

Exercise:
There’s no reason to wait until later to join with the angels and initiate your own time of worship and praise. Take a few moments to fall on your knees and give worship and praise to the Lord Jesus Christ. He will enjoy it.

As angels comforted Jesus, so shall we comfort him.

In Gethsemane Jesus was in agony as he struggled to drink the cup of sacrificial death.

And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground – Luke 22:44

My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, stay here and keep watch – Mark 14:34

Jesus was mourning. According to his own Beatitudes he needed someone to comfort him:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. – Matthew 5:24

Three times he implored his apostles to watch and pray and three times they fell asleep.

Do you see what’s happening here?

Whose job was it to comfort Jesus? The disciples! They failed, so God had to send an angel to finish the job.

An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. – Luke 22-43

Can you imagine that if you’d been there, you might want to put your arms around Jesus and comfort him?

“Well” you say, “The disciples are the ones who should have put their arms around Jesus and comforted him. But, they didn’t and I wasn’t there. I can’t comfort Jesus?”

Sure you can!

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come…take your inheritance…For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’”

Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me’ – Matthew 25:34-40.

Exercise:
Find someone in need and care for them.

Well Caitlin, I hope this gives you some insight into what angels are doing for us now.

Love, Roger

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Articles

Press Through the Pain

by Lysa TerKeurst
written by Lysa TerKeurst

Lysa TerKeurst explains that the key to surviving pain is laying your sufferings before God:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8a (NKJV)

Does it ever feel like the heartbreak in your life is trying to break you?

 

I understand. I’ve been in that place where the pain of heartbreak hits with such sudden and sharp force that it feels like it cuts through skin and bone. It’s the kind of pain that leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be able to function like a normal person again.

But God has been tenderly reminding me that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists.

Pain is the reminder that the real enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down by keeping us stuck in broken places. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing there’s healing on the other side.

And in the in-between? In that desperate place where we aren’t quite on the other side of it all yet, and our heart still feels quite raw?

Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His. I’m not writing that to throw out spiritual platitudes that sound good; I write it from the depth of a heart that knows it’s the only way.

We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between.

The only other choice is to run from the pain by using some method of numbing. But numbing the pain — with food, achievements, drugs, alcohol or sex — never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier. It only silences our screaming need for help.

We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us. If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us. It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again. It even steals the best in our relationship with God.

Pain is the sensation that indicates a transformation is needed. There is a weakness where new strength needs to enter in. And we must choose to pursue long-term strength rather than temporary relief.

So how do we get this new strength? How do we stop ourselves from chasing what will numb us when the deepest parts of us scream for some relief? How do we stop the piercing pain of this minute, this hour?
We invite God’s closeness.

For me, this means praying. No matter how vast our pit, prayer is big enough to fill us with the realization of His presence like nothing else.

Our key verse (James 4:8a) reminds us that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. When we invite Him close, He always accepts our invitation.

And on the days when my heart feels hurt and my words feel quite flat, I let Scripture guide my prayers — recording His Word in my journal, and then adding my own personal thoughts.

One of my personal favorites to turn to is Psalm 91. I would love to share this verse with you today, as an example for when you prayerfully invite God into your own pain.

Verse: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1, NIV)

Prayer: Lord, draw me close.
Your Word promises when I draw close to You, You are there. I want my drawing close to be a permanent dwelling place.
I am not alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your strength is infused in me. I am not empty, because I’m drinking daily from Your fullness. You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every stormy circumstance and harsh reality. I’m not pretending the hard things don’t exist, but I am rejoicing in the fact that Your covering protects me and prevents those hard things from affecting me like they used to.
You, the Most High, have the final say over me. You know me and love me intimately. And today I declare that I will trust You in the midst of my pain. You are my everyday dwelling place, my saving grace.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
And with that I close my prayer journal, feeling a lot less desperate and a lot more whole. I breathe the atmosphere of life His words bring.
I picture Him standing at the door of my future, knocking. If I will let Him enter into the darkness of my hurt today, He will open wide the door to a much brighter tomorrow.

www.lysaterkeurst.com. To read more of Lysa’s posts, click HERE.

 

 

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Articles

Which Words Are Comforting Words?

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

Where have you been? the mother demanded. The little girl replied, “On my way home, I met a friend who was crying because she had broken her doll.” “Oh,” said her mother, “then you stopped to help her fix the doll?” “Oh, no,” replied the little girl, “I stopped to help her cry.”  

When someone is hurting, do not respond with:

  • Advice/instruction – “Let me tell you how to solve the problem.” Or, “The next time that happens you should…”
  • Logic/reasoning – “Let me analyze the situation and tell you why it happened.” Or, “I think the reason that happened was because…”
  • Pep talk – “You’re a winner! You’ll make it through these tough times!” Or, “I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.”
  • Minimize the incident – “Sure it hurt, but get things into perspective; there’s a lot going on that’s good.” Or, “Aren’t you being overly sensitive?”
  • Anger – “That makes me so mad! They shouldn’t get away with that!” (Angry at who caused the hurt.) Or, “I’m so upset that you keep getting yourself hurt.” (Angry at the one who is hurting.)
  • Martyr’s complex – “I had something similar happen to me.” Or, “After the kind of day I had, let me tell you what hurt really feels like.”
  • Personal fear/anxiety – “I’m afraid that’s going to affect my life too.”
  • Mr. “Fix it” – “I can’t believe that salesman talked to you like that. I’m calling the store right now and talking to his boss.” Or, “I know you must have been scared when you had a flat tire on that lonely road. Tomorrow I’ll take the car in and get a whole new set of tires.”
  • Spiritualizing – “Well, you know that God will work all this out for your good.” Or, “Remember what Joseph said when his brothers mistreated him: ‘They meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.’”

The best antidote for hurt is comfort. Comfort is an emotion, not a cerebral commodity. It is also very simple; if we make it complicated, we’ll miss the mark.

We can comfort others through gentle words, appropriate touch, and our quiet presence.

Gentle words

While there are many words in the Oxford Dictionary, only about 40-50 words qualify as comforting words. The “vocabulary of comfort” includes phrases like these:

  • “I’m really sorry that you’re hurting.”
  • “It hurts me that you’re hurting because I love you and care for you.”
  • “It saddens me that you felt _________ (embarrassed, rejected, belittled). I know that must have hurt you.”

When comforting someone, the fewer words spoken, the better. If we say too much, we will inevitably move into the cognitive, rational realm, which will be counterproductive.

When speaking words of comfort, it’s also important that our tone of voice be complementary to what is being said. Words of comfort should be spoken gently and with compassion.

Appropriate touch

Proper and tender acts of physical affection can also minister comfort. Depending on the relationship, a warm embrace, a hug, holding hands, or a kiss can help communicate care and concern.

Quiet presence

Sometimes, just being with a person who is hurting is helpful. When I was a young minister, I wasn’t sure what to say to someone who had just lost a loved one. A wise mentor taught me that the “ministry of your presence” is powerful and effective. Just being physically present communicates care and concern.

So when you encounter someone who is hurting, do not do the nine items listed at the beginning of this essay. Do extend comfort. You’ll be amazed at the outcome.

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Ask Roger

Can My Mom Hear Me In Heaven?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

My mom passed away a few months ago. Can she hear me in heaven when I talk to her?

Sincerely, Brian

Dear Brian,

No one can answer your question with any degree of certainty. As far as I know, the Bible never gives a definitive answer.

Nevertheless, the Bible does give some insight into the matter. In Revelation 6:9-11, a group of Christian martyrs are pictured under the altar in Heaven watching death blows rain down upon Christians who are alive on earth during the Great Tribulation. These men and women are obviously aware of the events on earth and are pleading for God to get even with the persecution perpetrators.

Acts 7 records the stoning of Stephen for the “crime” of preaching the Gospel. He was the first Christian martyr. Just before dying he saw Jesus leaning over the ramparts of Heaven looking on him with compassion and concern: “When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.’ At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him” (Acts 7:54-58).

In Matthew 17, Moses and Elijah clearly already knew the events going on when they appeared with Jesus on the mount of transfiguration. In Luke 15 Jesus speaks of rejoicing in the presence of the angels, not BY the angels but in their presence, whenever a sinner repents, suggesting God’s people in heaven rejoice at God’s work in lives on earth. To rejoice at it, they obviously must be aware of it.

Some view Hebrews 12:1-2 as evidence that Christians in Heaven can observe activities occurring on earth. The Heroes of Faith are pictured in Hebrews 11 as standing in a great stadium as they cheer for Christians who are running the “race that is set before them.” I don’t particularly agree with this interpretation. I think that the writer to the Hebrews was simply using them as encouraging examples to us that our faith can result in victorious living, too!

On the other hand, Julie and I listened with rapt attention as one of our missionary friends from the Middle East described the raid on her family by the secret police of a nation that often persecuted Christians. Her skull was split open by an axe. Her husband was beaten mercilessly. God miraculously protected their children. She was air evacuated to Vienna and miraculously survived with all her mental and motor skills intact! Her husband fully recovered. She wept as she described the horror of the attack; however, moments later her lips curled up in a soft smile as she told of the vision she had during the attack of the saints of Hebrews 11 cheering her on in her pain.

While these examples might hint at your mother being to hear (and see) you on earth, they are certainly not definitive. My opinion is that—I just don’t know the answer. But, maybe the following story can put things in perspective.

When our baby daughter, Jessie, died in our arms, Julie and I said, “Good bye,” and then knelt to pray. I remember asking God to tell Jessie that we were her mommy and daddy and that we loved her more than words could tell. I asked God to relate to her how glad we were that she finally had a working body with which to enjoy the delights of Heaven. I prayed for God to tell her that we were looking forward to seeing her again soon!

At her funeral I prayed for Jesus to tell Jessie that we really wished she were still here on earth us, but that we did not begrudge her one bit the great time she was having in Heaven.

Brian, I find myself still quietly praying those prayers still today—thirty-eight-years later. I don’t know if Jessie can observe or hear from me directly; on the other hand, I know that God can, and that makes me confident that Jessie knows as well. Ask God in prayer to tell your mom whatever you want to tell her. It just may be that God passes the message along.

Thanks for the question. I hope my thoughts are helpful.

Love, Roger

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Ask Roger

Serial Monogamy? It’s Everywhere!

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

“Don’t look now,” said Steve, our associate pastor of counseling. “I see Don Perry sitting with his fourth wife. Wives one and three just walked up the aisle and sat down right behind them.

 

In the interim wives numbers one and three had become good friends. Their friendship certainly centered around their comparative misadventures marriages with Don. I don’t know what happened to wife number two.

I couldn’t help myself. I looked. I stared. It was obvious that Don now realized that his two earlier wives were sitting behind him. He began to blush, probably because wives one and three were making comments loud enough for the people around them to hear.

I didn’t catch it at the time, but I was seeing serial monogamy played out before my very eyes.

Serial monogamy is not much different from regular polygamy.

Serial monogamy is having more than one wife/husband, just not all at the same time. We have our own version of polygamy; we have several wives/husbands, one after another, after another. We would never justify real polygamy. Polygamy is taboo. However, having a series of wives/husbands in succession is quite acceptable in our American culture. This is called serial monogamy

I receive a lot of questions from husbands in West Africa where polygamy is a cultural reality. Their problem is that they recently became Christians and are now learning that the Bible defines marriage is one man and one woman for a life time. They want to do the Christian thing; unfortunately, they already have two or more wives, and two or more families and several children from different mothers.

Their questions usually sound something like this:

“Should I pick one wife and family over the others?” That is how the Bible says we are to live. But, I am the sole support for all of my wives and their children. If I pick one above the rest then the others will have no means of support and be reduced to begging in abject poverty. Most will likely starve before too long. Help!”

I received a letter this week from a man in India who is caught up in serial monogamy. The questioner is struggling with a devastated relationship with God and in deep consternation as he tries to figure out the horror of his previous choices. Notice at the end of his question he asks, “Is it a sin to have two families or abandon one?”

Pastor, am 44 male from India, married for 14 yrs & have one boy of 15 yrs & girl of 13 yrs. My wife had affair after 4 yrs of our marriage & we finally got convinced to carryon our marriage for the sake of the parenthood, Society & family commitments.

After 2 yrs she started another relationship & I lost my mind. Now the problem is, I’m without guilt having a relationship with wife of another impotent man for 5 yrs & have a 3 yrs girl of mine still living with the same man. Now she’s guilty living with her husband with my child & wants to come out of her marriage.

Now my responsibility on both ends confusing & stressing me. How to put stop for my problem. I still love my wife & also the 2nd. I want my 3rd kid also. I don’t want to hurt all my 3 kids, my wife as well as my 2nd too.
Is there any christian way of solution for my problem? I want to live without guilt of abandoning my 2nd & the child. Is it sin to have 2 families or to abandon one? I’m guilt involving in ministry & church activities also.

Dear Name Withheld,

I am sorry for all the pain and hurt and you and both of your wives and both of your families are enduring. There are consequences to sin. You have two families and children from two mothers. You can’t fix it and make it all OK. You have to do what will cause the least pain and bring the most benefit for everyone involved.

As I begin, I want you to remember that God is on your side. Certainly, He wishes that all of this had never happened. But, it has. So, He makes it clear in the Bible that He is in the business of “picking up the pieces and starting over again.” You can see what His attitude toward you looks like by reading in the gospel of John, chapter eight, verses 1-12 (John 8:1-12).

What do you do? Here are my thoughts about your choices.

First it is obvious that you are struggling in agony about the spiritual factors that are driving you “crazy.” Your confession and repentance are obvious. So, be at peace. God is on your side and will guide you to the best solutions.

Second, the Bible says that God hates divorce. Stop thinking about the divorce option. Your first wife may want out of her present marriage but God’s intention is for her to fix the problems in that marriage and stay together with her current husband.

Third, in the same way, you are not to divorce your second wife.

Fourth, it is wrong for you and your first wife to both get divorced and then remarry each other. According to the Bible, you are to remain married to wife number two.

Fifth, one of the biggest issues is how to decide and do what is in the best interests of your children. Many divorced couples reach agreements on what is best for the children. Usually that means shared time for the children with both parents. Let me recommend that you search the internet for the term, “blended families” in order to find good ideas on how best to integrate the children into one family or the other–and usually both.

Sixth, spend as much time with your children as you can. They need you and they need to remember as they grow older that while mom and dad may not live in the same house, you both always tried to do what was best for them. You want to have a good relationship with them when they are adults.

Seventh, however all of this works out, it will not be perfect, so keep you expectations in line with reality.

Whenever I had problems to solve, my dad used to say to me, “Roger, when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.”

Name Withheld, life has handed you a lemon. Now, go make some lemonade.

 

Footnote: I have changed forever my answer when those in East Africa become Christians and write to know what to do with having more than one wife and/or family. When I was younger I was rather legalistic in telling the husband/father that to be right with God he had to choose one wife because God only allows for one wife if you want to be a good Christian.

Now I realize what awful counsel I was peddling. God is more interested in people and relationships than in legalistic rules. I tell the husband/father to keep everything just as it is. He is not to divorce or toss out all the families but one. He has a lot of people depending on him and the worst thing he could do is break relationships and bring intense anger, bitterness, hate and impoverishment among the people he cast out.

I make it clear that as a Christian he is not to add any more wives. I also encourage him to begin to develop a more Christian culture in his midst. One man and one woman for a lifetime will be in the best interests for his children in all their future relationships.

 

 

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Articles

Is It Okay to Be Angry?

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Anger is a God-given emotion.

Which of these statements about anger is true?

“I should never allow myself to become angry.”

“Anger can become a sin, and that’s okay.”

“The more godly I become, the less often I’ll become angry.”

“Redheads have a genetic predisposition toward anger.”

“When I’m angry, it’s okay to spew on just anyone.”

Anger is an incredibly powerful emotion that can be used for good or evil. God could not be holy and just without having righteous indignation over sin. Everyone experiences anger though some refuse to admit it. Anger does not go away when we deny it and carefully stuff it down somewhere in our subconscious minds, it does not go away.

Our anger continues to bubble and manifest itself in hundreds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways:

1.    Road rage

2.     Temper,

3.     Depression,

4.     Over-eating

5.     Oversleeping,

6.     Substance abuse,

7.     Critical attitude toward others

8.     Cynical attitudes about life

 

The first step toward healing an anger-filled individual is to face the fury and process it.

HURT PRECEDES ANGER.

In Mark 3:5, the gospel writer described Jesus’ feelings as He experienced the Pharisees’ stubborn attitudes when they chose the observation of the Sabbath over the healing of the man with the withered hand:

“And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” NKJV

Jesus was grieved (or hurt) in His spirit, and He manifested anger toward the Pharisees. If we really want to begin to dissipate the stored-up anger in our emotional cups, we need to identify hurts, mourn them, receive comfort from an understanding friend, and forgive the offender. If this process is circumvented, then the subsequent healing will not occur. When our anger heats up and simmers into rage and bitterness, an unforgiving heart will alienate us from the Heavenly Father who wishes to bring healing and restoration.

GOD EXPERIENCES ANGER! 

We should not fear feeling anger.

.               God’s anger is an integral part of His character. As early as Genesis 6:5-8, God’s wrath burned against man for his immorality and unbelief. Note that God grieved before He judged, and He provided a way of escape through the ark that Noah built: 

.               “ Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. So the LORD said, “I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth, both man and beast, creeping thing and birds of the air, for I am sorry that I have made them.” But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.”NKJV 

.               In Numbers 11, Moses painted the picture of whiny, ungrateful Israelites murmuring about God’s insufficient care for them. Jehovah provided manna every morning to feed them and from their perspective, His provision wasn’t enough. Their ungrateful outburst precipitated fire from heaven! (Numbers 11:1-20).

.               King Solomon clearly understood God’s holy wrath against sin, particularly idolatry. The Hebrew monarch uttered a powerful, insightful prayer upon the dedication of the temple in Jerusalem. From his words we can deduce that he knew God hated idolatry and responded with grace when His people truly repented. Here is an excerpt from his prayer of dedication: 

.               “When they sin against you — for there is no one who does not sin — and you become angry with them…and if they have a change of heart and repent and plead with you and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong and acted wickedly’; and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul… hear their prayer and their pleas, and uphold their cause. And forgive your people, who have sinned against you.” 2 Chronicles 6:36-40 NKJV

.               Solomon knew exactly what to do to avoid God’s righteous anger. He also clearly understood the consequences of his actions. Over and over in the scriptures, God expressed His hatred of idolatry. God was deeply wounded by man’s infidelity toward Him.

.               Perhaps Solomon’s insight into God’s will made Jehovah’s grief seem even more keen: 

.               On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable god of Moab, and for Molech the detestable god of the Ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their gods. The LORD became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the LORD, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice.” 1 Kings 11:7-10 ?

WRATH THAT LEADS TO SALVATION

God’s love becomes clearer when we understand the depth of His holiness and justice. Only a Heavenly Father who dwells in perfection could rescue us from hell and destruction. God had to punish sin. The debt of sin must be paid. Because of Jehovah’s unfathomable love and forgiveness, He allowed His Son Jesus to receive all of the wrath, the rage, and the punishment for our sins. When Jesus was on the cross, He was under the judgment of God-not for Himself-but for us.

King David, Solomon’s father, did not know about the cross, but he knew that God’s love for us was faithful and patient. He described Jehovah as a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness:

Men’s hearts were not loyal to him, they were not faithful to his covenant. Yet he was merciful; he forgave their iniquities and did not destroy them. Time after time he restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath. He remembered that they were but flesh, a passing breeze that does not return.” Psalm 78:37-39 NIV 

Jesus told us in the Beatitudes that the pure in heart see God; therefore, the more we see the seriousness of sin, the more we can enjoy the blessing of God’s forgiveness and love.

David’s poem in Psalm 103 eloquently describes the delicate balance between love and justice, holiness and grace:

 “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.” Psalm 103:8-14 NIV 

GOD’S ANGER TOWARD SIN MAKES CHRIST’S SACRIFICE EVEN MORE AMAZING!

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Ask Roger

What Do I Say to Someone Contemplating Suicide?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

I have a number of letters each week from people around the world who are contemplating suicide. Here are a few thoughts that might help you in dealing with someone struggling to survive.

Dear ….

I’m so sorry for what you’re enduring. Life is miserable now and I know that you are hurting deeply. I’m so sorry. I imagine you’re feeling overwhelmed and scared. Maybe you feel trapped. Perhaps you’re grieving because nobody cares? Maybe you’ve been betrayed? Has someone hurt you? Perhaps you’ve lost your job and run out of money? Is your body racked with pain?

 

I’m so sorry. The list goes on and sometimes you feel that no one understands or even cares. I am so sorry.

 

I’d like to speak with you tenderly and gently because I know how difficult life is right now. You’ve been through a lot.

 

Fortunately, there is a God in heaven who can pour in the power to help you through these difficult moments.

 

By the way, I know that it took courage to write me. But, I’m safe; I’ll not share your situation with anyone.

 

I would like to share with you a couple of responses that I received from people who were struggling with the same issues as you. Hopefully, these emails will comfort and encourage you.

 

Dear Pastor,

Thank you for the suicide article.  I’ve been feeling very depressed lately and overwhelmed with a lot of problems.  I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately.  I googled suicide methods and your article popped up. I read it and I never considered that God still has a plan for me here on earth. Who am I to interrupt that? I am going to search for a counselor and continue to pray for strength and healing. I just wanted you to know that your article was a ray of light in my time of darkness. Thank you again and God bless you.

Stephanie

 

Dear Pastor,

I was so sad before I read what you wrote, I have never saw God in a way like that before thank you so much I am still struggling but when I am I will pray. You made my frown turn upside down, now that I just read what you wrote now I don’t wanna die. But thank you so much, I’ll keep you in my prayers.

(unsigned)

 

I’ve found that many suicidal people are clinically depressed. They often have a chemical imbalance, or, on the other hand, they are in situations which are depressing. Let me suggest that you see a medical doctor. He or she may have some medicines which can give you relief.

 

Now is a good time to talk with a trusted friend, counselor, or person in authority who can help. I’m praying for Jesus to send you someone special.

 

I’ll share several thoughts that might help.

 

1. It’s Not Wise To Enter The Heavenly Throne Room Before Our Scheduled Time.

 

I’ve imagined Jesus saying: “Roger, what are you doing here? I’m not scheduled to see you for another 20 years? I still had some things I wanted for you and to do with you.” We really don’t want to go before our time.

 

2. We Don’t Make Good Decisions When We Are Depressed.

 

Thinking about suicide turns your whole life upside down. Worst decisions seem like the best decisions.

Life looks hopeless while we have on gray-colored glasses. God has placed rose-colored glasses nearby. With a little looking, we may find a pair that fits.

 

3. The Bible Says That God Loves Us And Has A Wonderful Plan For Our Lives.

“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had past” (Psalm 139).

 

Sometimes we get off the right path and stumble along the wrong one. Jesus wants to help us return to plan “A”.

 

God has better plans for you than taking your life. He has promised to help you get through this.

4. No Matter How Dark Your Life Seems, There Is No Place You Can Go Where God Is Not Near.

 

Jesus says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

 

The Bible says that Jesus holds us in the palm of his right hand. The Bible says that Jesus is like a mother hen who shelters her chicks with her wings. Jesus has you sheltered and protected. Even now you rest in the palm of his hand.

 

5. Jesus says that we are of great value.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14).

 

Imagine yourself as a little child snuggled up in the arms of Jesus. Is that helpful or not!

 

6. When We Look Around, We Will Discover People Who Would Love To Comfort Us In The Midst Of Our Pain.

One day, I went next door to Pete’s house and asked him to listen while I poured out my heart and told him about my struggles. I asked him to pat me on the shoulder and just say, “I am so sorry that you are hurting. It grieves me that you are in so much pain…”

He said, “I’d be glad to do that.” So he did. For the next hour he prayed for me and comforted my hurts and encouraged me greatly. “Come over anytime. I’m glad to help,” he said.

Church is a great place to find understanding and comforting people.

 

7. Prayer Changes Things.

 

Jesus said, “Ask and you will be given what you ask for. Seek and you’ll find. Knock and the door will be opened for you” (Matthew 7:7).

Go ahead right now. Ask Jesus to help you find victory and relief. It may take a while but he promises healing as he answers your prayer.

 

8 The Bible Never Says That God Promises To Solve All Of Our Problems. What He Promises Is To Pour In The Grace And Power To Live Victoriously In The Midst Of Our Problems.

 

The apostle Paul wrote 13 Bible books. He knew what it’s like to suffer. In his journeys for Jesus he was scourged with whips three times, beaten five times with iron rods, stoned with rocks and left for dead, ridiculed by the Athenian elders and spent at least four years in jail. One night he was so depressed that he wanted to die.

 

He overcame it all through the power of Jesus Christ. Jesus said, and I paraphrase, “If I can do that for Paul, I can do it for you.”

 

Here’s Paul secret: “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

 

I know that these are difficult times; however, you are learning contentment and how to access the life and power of Christ.

The Ultimate Goal Is To Get You Thinking Better So That You Can Enjoy Your Life, Your Work And Your Relationships.

 

Now is the time to make a determined decision to seek help. There are friends, counselors, medical and psychological professionals who can help get you back up on your feet. Also, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available to help immediately at 1-800-273-8255.

Please let me know how you’re doing. I will contact you every day or so. I want you to know that you are not alone.

 

Now, let me pray for you.

 

Dear Heavenly Father,

 

Your child needs help. I know that your heart is breaking as you see the pain and hopelessness.

 

You are just the one who can sort out the problems and pour in the power for victory.

 

Please bring comfort from all the pain.

 

Give hope that all will one day be okay.

 

Give clear-cut direction, and success, in living through and fixing the difficulties.

 

Provide some Christian friends who love and care.

 

Help pick up the pieces and rebuild a life of hope and prosperity.

 

 

Amen

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Ask Roger

Do Short-Term Missions Matter?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

  

Dear Roger,

In the past, I have been a part of many short term missions’ trips both at home in the U.S. and abroad in foreign countries. Lately however, I’ve found myself somewhat disillusioned with the idea of Christian outreach. None of our trips seem to make much impact, and the cost of raising support can be a big inconvenience to friends and family. Do you think Christians should continue to fund short-term trips or should we be focusing on more long-term projects? – MKM

 

Dear MKM,

My father was an airline executive with scores of free airline tickets in his pocket. We flew often to Switzerland during my growing up years. From Switzerland we flew all over Europe: England, Scotland, Spain, Italy, France, Sweden, Norway, Germany, Greece and the Netherlands—among others.

 

In every city Dad made sure that we saw all the tourist sites. But, before leaving he always said: “It’s only a block or so away. Let’s go see the underside.” He always made certain that we spent time walking the streets that most tourists never see.

 

Short-term mission trips make an impact. However, the greatest impact is most often on the ones who make the trip.

 

Our trips behind the curtain with dad shaped my intention to be a fulltime missionary.

 

The first overseas trip made by Julie and me was to Rio where we saw children playing soccer with a tin can, and houses built of card board and sewage flowing unimpeded throughout the Flavella (slums). On Saturday morning sacrificed chickens from Friday night’s pagan worship littered most every intersection. I preached in the Flavellas for two weeks. By the end of the third day it was standing room only as scores of people crowded around the windows to try to hear and see the worship and teaching occurring inside.

 

When the Iron Curtain fell and Julie and I were invited to teach pastors and their wives in the Ukraine. These men and women were so starved for Biblical teaching that over two hundred came from every corner of the country.

 

When we returned to Tucson we filled out the papers to serve overseas with a long-term mission organization. However, during the process I sensed God telling me not to go. Instead, He made it clear that my job was to raise a lot of money and send a lot of missionaries overseas.

 

As best as I can figure over the years we raised over $10,000,000 for missionary work not counting the offerings given by our folks to missions organizations not associated directly associated with our church.

 

On several occasions we averaged sending over 500 short-termers a year to places like Azerbaijan, China, Mexico, Peru, Turkey, Germany and Armenia.

 

The impact on those who go is monumental; so, we encouraged everyone in our church to raise money and go on a sort-term trip. It is ok to ask family and friends for money. They can have an impact overseas by sending you.

 

In my experience the most impact made by short-term trips occurs in three areas.

 

First, teenagers leading Vacation Bible Schools and children’s programs make lasting memories and often are the means for many children coming to Christ as their Savior.

 

Second, building church buildings and orphanages is lasting work. Living next to the Mexican border enabled our church to organize “Lightning Trips” in which a multitude of our people blitzed across the border and spent Saturday and Sunday working and by Sunday night a new house of worship was on the roster of Heaven.

 

Third, many people overseas—especially students–long to speak English for obvious reasons. I have seen Long-term missionaries arrange opportunities for short-termers to spend hours helping students improve their grammar and pronunciation. Of course, one of the textbooks used is the Bible.

 

The opportunity list in endless. Some drill water wells for fresh water. Others organize conferences for business people and teach them the intricates of operating and financing a business. Relationships develop which lead right to the gospel.

 

So, MKM, I encourage you not to be discouraged about short-term trips. As you mentioned, it is important to invest in long-term work. It is the synergism of long and short term work that helps to advance the Kingdom and reach the world for Christ.

 

Here is what I recommend for every Christian:

 

1.   Go on at least one short-term trip—more if possible. Spend some time on the underside and let what you experience break your heart.

2.   Support the missions program of your church home.

3.   Contact a reputable Global Outreach Organization to help you find a missionary and develop a relationship of giving and prayer with that person or persons.

4.   If so inclined support Samaritans Purse as they bring food and medical care world-wide to those in need.

5.   Consider “adopting” an “orphan” through an organization like World Vision. Your monthly gift can bring food, clothing, and education to a needy child.

 

I am glad that you have a heart for the people of the world who need the gospel Feel positive about the work over seas that you and others have accomplished. The Kingdom is further along because like you.

 

Love, Roger

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Ask Roger

How Do I Cope with Church Cliques?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,


Please help me! My family and I belong to a church were cliques are always formed- even the leadership seem to be encouraging it. I’ve held on for years but it’s getting worse and what’s more, my daughter is now 10 and maturing very quickly. I have decided to leave for a church were God’s love is being practiced.

I do accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world but my daughter has been feeling the negative impact of the cliques as well. I need her to understand that God is not like that and hence my decision to leave. My husband on the other hand, demands I stay with him in the church. 

I need biblical advice as to what to do. I didn’t go church last week and the thought of being in that church gives me shivers down the spine. Sunday is approaching and I need help. I don’t want to stay at home this Sunday. Please help! 

 

Dear Jennifer,

 

I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain and stress. Church is supposed to be a safe place. This may help you in deciding what you should do.

 

First, I’m glad that your husband wants to attend church. Many women long to have a spouse who wants to be the spiritual leader of the family and take them to church. Peter wrote a letter to wives desiring to evangelize their non-Christian husbands, but the principle is still effective when you and your husband are at an impasse regarding choosing a church home:

 

“If you are a wife, you must put your husband first. Even if he opposes our message (the gospel, in this case) you will win him over by what you do. No one else will have to say anything to him, because he will see how you honor God and live a pure life.” 1 Peter 3:1-2 CEV

 

Pray for God to protect your marriage, your family and your husband during these difficult times. Keep your family worshipping together. Don’t make negative comments about the church in front of your child. Discuss these quietly with your husband. I’ve had many experiences where children leave the church as soon as they can because Mom and Dad complained about church issues in front of their children.

 

Take the opportunity to have a dialogue between you, your husband and your daughter. If your daughter is shy, or has trouble verbalizing her feelings, you might ask her some questions about her experiences at church:

 

“Do you feel accepted at church? Do you feel overlooked? Do you feel others say unkind words about you? Tell us what you are experiencing.” Be patient. Give her time to express her feelings. Comfort her. Look for those “teachable moments” when she seems ready to be vulnerable.

 

Remember too that most girls your daughter’s age struggle with low self-esteem and acceptance. The “mean girl” preteens she encounters are probably as insecure as she. Every child needs affection, attention, affirmation and approval from his or her parents. The more you and your husband minister to the needs in your daughter’s life at this fragile juncture, the more confident she will be in any social setting. You can’t always control your daughter’s environment. You can only give her the tools to survive and succeed.   

People need each other, and God’s design is for our aloneness needs to be met within the context of a healthy church body. God abhors cliques because they leave too many people feeling isolated and alone. This aloneness is antithetical to the principles of God’s plan. Here is what God wants a church to be like:

 

“They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” (Acts 2:42-47).

 

People tend to associate with others who are most like themselves. While this behavior ministers to their aloneness, those outside the “inner circle” leave others alone and hurting.

 

One possible way to deal with a clique is by asking for prayer. Here is a suggestion. Approach someone in the clique and say to them that you are really hurting and struggling. Most people like to help those in need, and that may be the crack that opens the door. Some groups are just dysfunctional. If they don’t respond with compassion, don’t wait for them to meet your needs. Look elsewhere.

 

Every church is full of hurting people. Some are hurting more than you and could use your kindness, prayers and mentorship. God can meet so many needs in your own life as you serve someone else. Search for those in the congregation who need your help and support. Serve somewhere in a church ministry. Rock the babies or bring meals to the home-bound.

 

I will pray that God sends you a trustworthy, mature woman who can pray with you about these matters. You need a safe place. Midweek Bible studies in the community may also help those aloneness needs to be met.

 

Ideally, your husband would agree to look for a place where all of you are happy.

 

I hope this helps.  Sincerely, Roger

 

 

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Ask Roger

How Do I Share Christ Without Harrassing Someone About Religion?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Hi Roger,

 

How can I impact someone else’s life without harassing them with religion?

I have many friends that don’t believe in God and many of them find it ridiculous. They know that I am a Christian, and I want to help them since I noticed that most of them are missing the joy of having Jesus Christ in their life.

 

As a teenager, in a school where religion does not matter, it is somewhat of a difficulty for me to talk to my fellow peers about the wonders of God.

 

I know most of them are going through situations that are difficult to surpass without God’s help and presence. I want to help them and show them God’s glory, but I don’t know how to since they don’t like to talk openly about God or anything. I want to know how I can show them God’s will for their lives without irritating them about what their religious views should be.

 

Sincerely,Rebeca

 

Dear Rebeca

I am thrilled with your passion for your friends to know Christ. Jesus’ parting instructions to us as He ascended to heaven were, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

 

May God bless you greatly as you fulfill His wishes.

 

FIRST, RELATIONSHIPS OPEN THE DOOR TO SHARING THE GOSPEL. THE DEEPER THE RELATIONSHIP, THE DEEPER THE SHARING.

 

You mention that they “don’t want to talk about these things.” We know that relationships open the door to sharing. The more time you invest getting to know them, the more likely they are to open up, listen to your ideas and give credence to what you say.

 

Building relationships takes time and energy. We cannot sit in the comfortable pews of our church and shoot “gospel bullets” over the walls and expect our friends out there to come to Christ. Jesus ate with tax collectors, sinners, prostitutes and social outcasts. Of course, one meeting was all it took for them to build a relationship with Jesus. With the rest of us, it will usually take a little longer.

 

SECOND, MINISTERING TO PEOPLE’S HURTS OFTEN OPENS THE DOOR FOR THE GOSPEL TO GO THROUGH.

 

Alexander McLaren used to say, “Be kind to everyone you meet because everyone you meet is fighting a battle.”

 

I use an evangelism model, based on healing hurts, which works as well with brand-new acquaintances as it does with folks I’ve known for years.

 

My model is based on Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

 

So, I meet someone, and after chatting for a short time, I’ll grin and ask them,” What is the best day you ever had?”

 

People never hesitate to tell me. I rejoice with them. I reflect back how wonderful that day must have been. I get excited about their experience. This is rejoicing with those who rejoice.

 

After a while I’ll I ask, “What was the worst day you ever had?” The better I know a person the more likely he or she is to answer. I mourn with them. I say things like, “I am so sorry. How did you feel as you were going through that difficult experience? What an awful time for you. I am so sad you had to experience that. Did you have people around the support you; or did you handle things alone? I’m so sorry that you were hurt so deeply.

 

This is called comforting. Jesus says in Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.”

 

At this point, I let him or her know that I understand their pain by sharing something like this, “I’ve been through some difficult times, too; and one of the things that helped me was when Jesus Christ gave me the grace and strength to handle it.”

 

Then, I share one of my hurts and relate how Jesus helped me.

 

The door is now open. People may criticize the Bible, point at the hypocrites or believe that Jesus was a myth. However, the one thing they cannot reject is your experience with Jesus.

 

Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1-8) was a hated, crooked tax collector for the Roman government. He used his position to line his own pockets. He was a traitor to his neighbors and they hated him for it. He was a wicked, lying, stealing, cheating, selfish man.

 

Could you imagine that a man like Zacchaeus might have some feelings? Certainly! Just for starters you know that he was feeling lonely, rejected, despised, hated and guilty.

 

Could you imagine that a tax collector behaving like he was and feeling like he did, might have some needs? Certainly! Like all of us, he needed love, acceptance, companionship, forgiveness and affirmation.

 

When Jesus arrived in town He walked immediately to Zacchaeus’ tree and called out, “You sneaky, thieving, selfish little man! Stop it!”

No, that’s not what He said. Only a beginner starts like that. Christ gently said, “Zacchaeus, come down. I’m going to lunch with you today.”

Good things happened during lunch. Jesus ministered to his needs and comforted his hurts Three hours later the front door flew open and Zacchaeus shouted: “Half of all I have I give to the poor; and whatever I have stolen from any of you I will restore four times over!” Jesus declared, “Today, salvation has come to your house!”

 

Zacchaeus found faith in Christ—not because Jesus yelled, “Stop it,” but because Jesus took the time to build a relationship and then ministered to his deepest needs and hurts.

 

This model makes things so naturally an easy.

 

I met a golfer on the first tee on the golf course. We introduced ourselves and begin sharing a little as we walked together down the first fairway.

 

On the fourth tee I casually asked him, “What was the best day of your life?”

 

He replied, “I guess it was the day my son was born. We had anticipated with growing delight his arrival. It was such an exciting time. I guess that was the best day of my life.”

 

So I rejoiced with him about how good it is to have a baby, and to watch all our dreams come true, and to hold a little child that we had made.

 

Walking down the sixth fairway I asked him what was the worst day in his life?

He replied, “Well, I guess it was the day my son was born. My wife wanted to have a natural childbirth so we hired a midwife to help us. Unfortunately, there were problems and his legs were injured and not repairable. It might have been different had we been in the hospital.”

 

I really touched a nerve. He was tearing up He was mourning. I know what to do when I see mourning, I comfort it. We walked into the trees off the left side of the fairway. I comforted through the emotions and feelings that I knew he had. We talked about grief and anger and depression as a number of groups played on through us.

 

Finally, it was my turn. “Our first baby died in our arms, “I said. “We went through all the sorrow and grief and loss and depression. We had a number of folks for support. Nevertheless, the greatest help we received came from our faith in the strength and grace of Jesus Christ. May I share with you what a difference He’s made in our lives?

 

The opportunity was there. The door was open and the gospel walked right in.

 

THIRD, WHILE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING TAKES TIME, TIME IS NOT ALWAYS ESSENTIAL.

 

As I approached my gate at LAX I noticed a woman quietly crying. Several minutes later, I could stand it no longer, I sat down beside her and asked, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting; can I help you?

 

She was a Las Vegas showgirl who had just missed her flight to Mexico where she had a job as a cruise ship dancer. No later flights existed that could get her there before sailing. She didn’t know what to do next.

 

So, I told her how sorry I was for her loss and I told her how Jesus helped a woman caught in adultery pick up the pieces of her life and start over.

 

“Jesus helped her, and he can surely help you. Would you like to hear how Jesus helps people like you and me through every difficulty in life?

 

I must admit that I was quite surprised when she answered, “Yes”. So I shared the gospel and she prayed to receive Christ as her Lord and Savior. I gave her my pocket New Testament. I wrote down a reading list beginning with the gospel of John.

 

FOURTH, WE MUST BE PREPARED AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE TO SHARE OUR FAITH.

 

Paul advised his friend, Timothy, “Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season. Always be ready to give testimony to the hope that lives within you” (2 Timothy 4:2).

 

Fifth, We No Longer Live In A “Churched” Society. We Live In A “Post-Christian” Age. It Makes A Difference.

 

Once upon a time the Bible was entrenched in the fabric of our culture. You could start with the Bible and show people how they were sinful and needed a Savior–right out of the pages of Scripture.

 

Today, instead of beginning with biblical teachings regarding Christ and salvation, we must first deal with questions concerning atheism, agnosticism, suffering, God’s existence, evolution or comparative religions—among a myriad of other questionings. These are chasms which must first be traversed before we can even get to the truths of the Bible.

 

Learn about these hurdles so that you can answer their questions with at least some degree of understanding. But, remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. Your personal story of what Christ has done in your life is the most compelling truth you can share.

 

FINALLY, FOLLOW THE PROMPTINGS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.

 

Opportunities to share the gospel may seem few and far between with your friends right now; nevertheless, when the Holy Spirit prompts you to speak, don’t flinch.

Pray for the Holy Spirit to let you know when it’s time to speak and when it’s time to be quiet.

 

Remember, we cannot convince our friends of their need for a personal relationship with Jesus without working closely with the Holy Spirit.

 

Convicting our friends of their sin and subsequent need for a Savior is never our job. Convicting of sin is always the job of the Holy Spirit (John 16:7-11).

 

What we can do is explain the benefits we have in Christ, and perhaps answer their questions, and perhaps share our own faith in Christ—and why we believe. Then, pray for the Holy Spirit to break down the unbelief in their hearts by convicting them of the beauty and reality of Christ.

 

I hope this helps. God bless you, Rebeca, as you love your friends and find open doors deep into their hearts.

 

 

Love, Roger

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Articles

Who Is Sabotaging My Church?

by Brandon Cox
written by Brandon Cox

Do you wonder why your church is not growing? Have you ever read Acts 15? It’s right between Acts 14 and Acts 16! Many people find themselves skipping the chapter, or at best, lazily dozing their way through it to get to the excitement of chapter 16 where Paul received his great “Macedonian Call.”

But there are thousands of churches in America that need to hear the message of Acts 15. It’s written for grumpy people. Or more accurately, it’s written about some grumpy people. They were more religious and more “churchy” than everyone else, and yet demonstrated the greatest lack of maturity among all the saints.

Let me give you the short version… Paul and Barnabas were doing awesome things for God, bringing the least, the last, and the lost to Christ, and establishing local churches across the region. The church was happy! There was celebration and excitement!

The church sent the delegates to Jerusalem, and they stopped along the way in Phoenicia and Samaria to visit the believers. They told them—much to everyone’s joy—that the Gentiles, too, were being converted. (Acts 15:3 NLT)

Notice, growth is happening. People are being saved. Churches are being started. After thousands of years of obstinate resistance, finally, the Gentiles are submitting to Jehovah and receiving Jesus as Savior. The Jewish Christians must have been thrilled! They must have been overwhelmed with a sense of triumph as they watched God’s Spirit doing such great miracles in their midst!

And then we read…

But then some of the believers who belonged to the sect of the Pharisees stood up and insisted, “The Gentile converts must be circumcised and required to follow the law of Moses.” So the apostles and elders met together to resolve this issue… (Acts 15:5-6 NLT)

Then the Judaizers showed up – a group of people who were telling all of these new converts to Christianity that they had to be circumcised into Judaism before they could really, truly be saved.

Imagine pulling hot, fresh-baked brownies from the oven, covering them with a scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream, drizzling warm chocolate syrup over the top and adding a touch of whipped cream and then… seasoning it with several tablespoons of garlic salt. Is your mouth watering now?

One of the great frustrations of ministry is when into the mix of Spirit-filled joy over what God is doing, someone misuses their spiritual saltiness like the Pharisaical believers did in this passage. They were the rule-keepers, there to make sure that all of this growth was done according to the book (their own book, by the way – a system of humanly-originated rules designed for the purpose of bottlenecking ministry with extra paperwork).

One of the biggest problems with this dousing of spiritual flames is that it cannot be ignored.

Verse six records, So the apostles and elders met together to resolve this issue. Then all of chapter 15 concerns itself with one of the earliest church councils.

Imagine, the Spirit-filled leaders of the early church, ready to take on the world, taking a break from their zealous pursuit of the lost to consider a matter brought up by… joysuckers.

Verse three of Acts 15 records that all the brethren had great joy over what God was doing. Three verses later, those same brethren had to stop to deal with the complaint. Like poking a helium balloon with a hot needle, the pharisaical believers (they were saved, according to Scripture) had managed to deflate the zeal of the fledgling church at a crucial time.

Why do we do this? Why, when things seem to start going well, does someone have to call what is happening into question? I believe there are two key words that must be noticed to understand the phenomenon.

One is the word “Pharisees.” Remember their past? They were always rule-keepers before, nitpickers with an agenda for keeping everyone in line. They had been saved, but their old natures kept hanging around. Then the word “Gentiles.” Those crazy outsiders to the Judaic covenant people who never seemed to want to live by the rules.

The same thing happens in evangelical churches across the land. God begins to move. And when God moves, new people are drawn to what God is doing. There is a breath of fresh air, a new kind of leadership, a fresh sense of the presence and power of the Holy Spirit. The only problem is, when new people come in, things… change!

And to change, we humans tend to react with radical and irrational fear. Why? Because change is something that cannot be regulated or controlled. And nobody likes to lose control.

My wife and I have watched three little babies grow to childhood and adolescence. We wanted them to talk. So they started. And now we’d like a little peace and quiet. They’re growing. They eat, sleep, and outgrow clothes.

Do you know what the definition of growth is? It’s change over time. If our infants had never changed, they would never have grown.

How do you react when change comes; when growth occurs; when God seems to be doing something to which you are not accustomed? Do you rejoice like the brethren in Jerusalem? Or do you get out the rule book to make sure things have been done correctly?

Every church is a family and every family has a certain personality. You know families that are quiet and peaceful and others who are reactive and loud. There are families that are happy-go-lucky and families that always seem to be on edge and involved in unnecessary drama. The same is true with churches. Every church has a certain atmosphere that is determined by its overall attitude toward ministry and growth.

Rick Warren often says that we ask the wrong question about churches and growth. We often ask, “What will make my church grow?” when we should be asking, “What is stopping my church from growing?” May it not be my attitude that is holding us back!

Let’s get on board with what God is doing. We’ll be discerning of what is biblical and what is not, but we’ll refuse to put a fresh movement of God under a microscope to be so intensely evaluated that we cannot enjoy the process.

May the joysuckers among us be rebuked. May we celebrate the release of control and the embrace of change and growth. May God give us hearts of joy to watch Him at work in fresh ways!

Re-printed from www.pastors.com. Used by permission.

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Ask Roger

Predestined to Hell?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier

Dear Roger,

Did God predestine people to go to Hell?

Sincerely, PH

Dear PH,

 

Let me begin with an overview of predestination as envisioned by John Calvin. Calvinism teaches, in essence, that God chooses beforehand (predestines) who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell. Arminianism is the antithesis of Calvinism. Arminianism teaches that “whosoever will may come”—anyone can be saved by simple faith in Christ!

 

 

PH, I have written a rather long and detailed answer to your question. I needed to because your questions has implications far beyond whether or not God predestines people to Hell. I hope my answer is helpful.

 

 

However, let me say to you or to anyone else reading my answer, if this is more answer than you want to read, then at least read Charles Spurgeon’s practical insight in the last paragraph. I think that what he has to say sums up everything!

 

 

John Calvin initiated the Calvinism vs. Armenianism debate that has brought much discord among Christians for the last five centuries. John Calvin, along with Martin Luther and Ulrich Zwingli, were the fathers of the Protestant Reformation. The Protestant Reformation was a rejection of the Roman Catholic Church practice of selling indulgences (forgiveness of sins). Since the Roman Church had a corner on the religious market, there were no other options for the penitent desiring to obtain personal forgiveness except to pay a “bribe” to the priest—and thus gain a place in Heaven.

 

 

The Protestant Reformers reacted violently to this practice and strongly emphasized that forgiveness of sin comes only through faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Their teaching was based on the Biblical teaching that “the just shall live by faint.”

 

 

John Calvin was a prolific writer who composed the first set of New Testament Bible commentaries. Calvin looked at Biblical terms like “predestination”, “election”, and “foreknew” and interpreted these verses to mean that somewhere in eternity past God elected, or predestined, some people to go to Heaven and some to go to Hell. Individuals had no say-so in the matter of their eternal destiny.

 

 

Calvinism has five main points. The five points were put in logical order by the early followers of Calvinism. Over the years they have been reordered to correspond to the acronym “T.U.L.I.P” for easier memory. The five points deal with total depravity (original sin), unconditional election, limited atonement, irresistible grace (effectual calling), and the perseverance of the saints.

 

 

Total depravity means that everyone born is infected with the disease of sin. The term “total” means that every part of a person’s life is totally affected by sin. No one naturally turns to God, everyone turns, “to their own way” (Isaiah 53).

 

 

Unconditional election means that God’s choice is not based on any goodness, merit, or right behaviors by those who are elected. God’s choice is based totally on His over abounding grace.

 

 

Limited atonement acknowledges that Jesus’ death on the cross was definitely and totally effective in paying the price for mankind’s original sin. However, since God knew precisely who would be chosen, the atonement is effective only for those whom God has predestined for eternal life. God could have elected everyone and used Christ’s sacrifice to atone for all. But, He didn’t.

 

 

Irresistible grace means that God will eventually overcome any resistance by those He has elected. When God sovereignly decides to save someone, that individual will eventually be saved. He or she is unable to resist God’s grace and calling.

 

 

The perseverance of the saints declares that since God is sovereign, and that His will can never be stymied or frustrated, those whom He has elected will continue in faith until the end. Those who apparently fall away either never had true faith to begin with or will return.

 

 

The Biblical foundation for Calvinism basically rests on five New Testament terms: “elect”, “predestined”, “foreknew” “chosen”, and “called.”

 

 

The term “elect” occurs nine times in the New Testament. For example, Paul wrote in Titus 1:1 “Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ for the faith of God’s elect and the knowledge of the truth that leads to godliness …”

 

 

The term “predestined” is used four times in the New Testament. For example, Paul wrote in Romans 8:28-29: “For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son …”

 

 

The term “foreknew” is used only once—in Romans 8:28 above.

 

 

The term “chosen” is used nine times to refer to God’s people. For example, Paul wrote in Ephesians 1:11: “In him, we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will …”

 

 

The term, “called”, is used scores of times in the New Testament. I would suggest that about fifteen times “chosen” is used to refer to those individuals who are called into the realm of the elect in eternity past. For example, Paul wrote in Romans 1:6: “And you also are among those who are called to belong to Christ.”

 

 

Now, PH, let’s look at Arminianism. Arminianism is the name given to the Biblical-theological construct which stands in direct contrast to Calvinism. Arminianism may be summarized in John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him might not perish but have everlasting life.” In other words, anyone can come to Christ for salvation at any age, at any time or in any place.

 

 

Many Christians can quote John 3:16. On the other hand, most have no clue what Jesus said two verses earlier in John 3:14-15: “Just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the desert, even so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in Him may have eternal life.”

 

 

Jesus refered here to an incident recorded in Numbers 21 when the Israelites were complaining to both God and Moses about the poor diet God was providing for them in the wilderness. They hated the food, didn’t have enough water, and were disgusted with God’s care. They wanted to return to Egypt. In response to their murmurings God sent venomous snakes which bit many Israelites and many died. The people quickly repented and begged Moses to ask God to remove the snakes. In response God instructed Moses to fashion a large bronze snake and lift it high on a pole. God then told Moses, “Anyone who is bitten can look at the snake and live.” Moses then wrote an editorial comment in verse nine: “Then anyone who was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, then he lived.” Notice all were free to look, and it took only one look to receive healing.

 

 

The bronzed snake was a foreshadowing (or a “type”) of Christ. Jesus used this story as an illustration that anyone can look at the uplifted Christ on the cross and by faith receive full pardon for sin. Only one look of faith is needed to receive the spiritual antidote for the poisonous bite of the snake of sin.

 

 

The Bible is filled with pictures of an open-armed God the Father who is longing for the Lost to return to Him. All who come will receive full welcome and reprieve. Luke 15, for example, has three parables which picture God as searching for the Lost in order to bring them safely home: the lost coin, the lost sheep and the lost son.

 

 

Basically, Calvinism declares that the only ones who can be saved are the ones God has already chosen in eternity past. On the other hand, Arminianism puts no such restrictions on receiving God’s love, salvation and grace. The foundational teaching of Arminianism is: “Whosoever will may come.” Salvation is not the domain only of the Elect. Salvation is a free gift—offered now in the present—to all who believe in Christ by faith.

 

 

Now, PH, let me make several observations regarding the Calvinism-Arminianism debate.

 

 

Those who ascribe to Calvin’s teachings do so to different degrees. Hard-core followers imagine God’s election to be completely arbitrary. Others say that election is explained by the idea that God looked into the future and saw who would one day believe in Christ anyway. Many discussions ensue among Calvinists as they sort the many implications of their beliefs. Countless volumes are still being written to argue the issue.

 

 

For the sake of clarity, lat me reiterate that Calvinists define “elect” as a group composed of those whom God has chosen beforehand for salvation. Arminians identify the “elect” or “chosen” etc. as a group of all those who have freely received Christ as their Savior and Lord.

 

 

Finally, PH, allow me to make several personal observations.

 

 

First, you need to know that my bias is in favor of Arminianism.

 

 

Second, in interpreting Bible verses, I always look for the simple explanation first. Calvinism is a complex system; there is nothing simple about it. Simple is not always right; but when it takes a complex interpretation whose validity can be debated at every point, I tend to go with the simple every time. I thank God that He made the gospel so simple that even children can understand it.

 

 

Third, it seems to me that “whosoever will” is a better reflection the Biblical picture of God’s heart than the idea that He made arbitrary choices to determine the eternal state of certain individuals before the foundation of the earth.

 

 

Fourth, considering all the issues involved, I arrived at the following conclusion: “Before the foundation of the universe God predetermined that the “elect” would be a group, composed of all who freely received Jesus as their Lord and Savior, who were predestined to ‘be conformed to the image of Christ.’”

 

 

PH, notice that predestination is not an issue of Heaven or Hell. It is an issue of maturing to look like Jesus. The only question now is who makes up the “elect”. Personally, I like the “whosoever will may come” interpretation. Calvinists would take the “God chose some and not others” viewpoint as those who make up the “elect.”

 

 

Fifth, while Calvinism and Armenians stand at opposite ends of the spectrum. Many wonder whether it may be possible for both to be true simultaneously? The obvious answer is, “They can’t both be true. Pick one or the other.” But, what if they are both true? What if they are two sides of the same coin? In our limited world of time and space, we see three dimensions plus time. It is now becoming obvious that our universe actually exists in ten dimensions. This is spiritually exciting because, mathematically, when transitioning into the eleventh dimension, everything comes together in a single point. I often wonder if this is where God lives—in the eleventh dimension of our universe? This certainly explains how God could be omnipresent. Those things we see as polar opposites may come together quite nicely in God’s eleventh dimension. One day in Heaven, after hearing God’s simple explanation to our question, we will probably say something like, “Oh, that is so simple. That makes sense. Why didn’t we see that before!?

 

 

Sixth, I have spent quite a number of years struggling with the Calvinism-Arminianism issue. Not only is it intriguing, it has profound implications for the nature and character of God and for such theological issues as Evangelism, Christology, Soteriology and Eschatology. In fact, as I think about it, every theological discipline is impacted by how we interpret these two theological constructs. I feel like my time spent in study here is quite worth it.

 

 

Finally, Charles Spurgeon was one of the most influential preachers of all time. His sermons were read weekly all over the world and are still relevant today—some 150 years later. He leaned strongly toward a Calvinistic view of the Bible. Early in my ministry I read in one of his sermons how he dealt practically with the Calvinistic-Arminianism debate.

 

 

Spurgeon said, “I wish God had painted a red stripe down the back of the elect. I would spend my time lifting up shirt tails; but, since He hasn’t, I will preach the gospel to every creature.”

 

 

Well, PH, I hope my answer sheds some light on your question. Thanks for asking. Ask me another one.

 

 

Love,

Roger

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Articles

Healthy Grief Tips for the Whole Family

by Larry Barber
written by Larry Barber

After a loss, each member of a family has his or her own unique grief process.   But just as important and unique is the grief experience of the entire family unit.  Here are some of the reasons that it is important to acknowledge the needs of the family as a whole:

 

  • Each person in a family has functions and roles not filled by anyone else. The death of any member results in the reorganization of all relationships in the system. Roles must be shifted and the family must reorganize. This shifting takes time and strongly influences the family’s growth and character.
  • A family has its own identity. For example, the family may identify themselves as “community leaders”, “a group of practical jokers”, or “centered around the children”. When a member dies, family members often struggle to retain or redefine that identity in a way that is meaningful to them.
  • Due to different developmental levels, life circumstances, lifestyles and relationships with the deceased, grief needs differ among family members. How family members communicate about their needs can contribute either to family harmony or family conflict. An open family system acknowledges feelings openly and involves each member in decisions and events. A closed family system denies feelings and excludes some members from decisions and events. Time and effort may be needed to apply a healthy style of interacting after the impact of loss.
  • Grief and ways of expressing grief can be handed down from generation to generation. If parents have unresolved grief issues from their own childhoods, it will ripple into the lives of their own children. The family rules that a parent learned while growing up are likely to be the rules he/she models to the next generation. Family members may now practice these rules unconsciously, even if the rules are unhealthy. For example, a family who has dealt with emotions by keeping them secret and unexpressed will likely have negative results if they suppress all discussion of grief.
  • New phases of family development often result in a resurgence of family grief. Suppose, for example, that a mother of two children dies. As those children grow up and reach life milestones, such as the first piano recital or a high school graduation, the family will grieve their loss anew from their current perspective. New grief needs arise whenever we face life changes without the deceased loved one, including moves, marriages, job/career changes, births, and even later deaths.
  • Here are some suggestions to help families grieve together:
  • Hold a family meeting for all interested members. Allow for open discussion of thoughts, feelings, and needs that have emerged for each person since the death. Set a ground rule that each person will listen to others without interrupting or passing judgment. Brainstorm ideas for how to memorialize, express feelings, and meet needs as a family unit.
  • Memorialize together. Collaborate on a photo album, video montage, or collection of stories in honor of the deceased. Make a copy for each family member or each branch of the family tree.
  • Create something that symbolizes the family unit’s identity, such as a “Coat of Arms”, Family Mission Statement, or Family Motto. Have plaques or some form of reproductions made so each member or subsection of the family can have one to display in their home.
  • Hold a family ritual where all family members can unite in memory of the deceased and in honor of the family’s values and history. Some examples include: a candle-lighting ceremony; an ash-scattering gathering; participating together in a walkathon to find a cure for the disease the loved one died from; making an annual donation to or volunteering as a group for a cause important to the entire family; planting a tree together in honor of the deceased and the family’s ongoing growth, even after loss.
  • Consider engaging the services of a family counselor to facilitate communication and problem-solving among family members. Remember that all families need an objective perspective sometimes. Invite members of all ages to share their perspectives and ideas.

Posted by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise”  available online at Amazon (www.amazon.com/Love-Never-LPC-S-Larry-Barber/dp/1613796005 )

Used by permission.

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Sermons

Catalyst for Change? An Unchanging God!

by Steven Furtick
written by Steven Furtick

Our God stands unchanging through time as the source of our strength. The power of same is the culmination of our consistency with Him. If you resist the monotonous, you’ll miss the miraculous. Repeat the right things until the routine is the reward. You will never arrive if you can’t abide. 

Preached at Elevation Church. Used by permission. 

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Articles

Can Easter Change Your Daily Life? Yes!

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

Easter is the joyful climax of the liturgical year. You can’t top Jesus jumping out of the grave, stomping Satan’s ugly head and forgiving our filthy sins. The whole Bible leads up to that amazing, holy moment.

Yet here comes Monday, post Easter celebration. Satin banners sagging. Lilies drooping. Extra chairs stowed. Pastors tall and short, old and young, slump in an exhausted heap after leading a bazillion services during Holy Week. The large chocolate bunny I consumed after church has gone directly to my growing thighs. Easter is over.

Why do I describe the aftermath of Easter Sunday as a time of post partum depression? Wikipedia defines post partum depression as the letdown that occurs in women after they have carried a child. Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability.

Jesus’ disciples did not experience post-Easter letdown. You don’t have to either. The miraculous event catapulted ordinary people into dynamos exhibiting joy, boldness and supernatural power.

Can Easter change your daily life? I believe it can. Let’s look at a few Bible characters we can emulate.

Thomas, the skeptic, wanted proof: rock-solid evidence. Jesus, in His compassion, gave him just that.

John tells us in his gospel:

26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” 28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” John 20:26-28. NIV

Jesus was no longer his teacher. Doubting Thomas became convinced that Christ was God Himself, His Lord and Master. Thomas preached the Gospel fearlessly and faithfully to the ends of the earth. Historians tell us that the old apostle was stabbed with a spear in 72 A.D. while in prayer on a hill in Mylapur, India.

You don’t have to wonder about Jesus. Touch His nail-pierced hands and wounded side. His resurrection proves you can follow Him as your Lord and your God. His power becomes your power. Don’t be a wimpy Christian anymore. Jesus is bigger than that. And so are you.

John, the beloved disciple, was purported to be Jesus’ cousin by many historians. He probably remembered playing stickball with Jesus as a little boy. John probably visited Jesus’ carpenter shop many times. He was the only disciple who watched Christ’s brutal crucifixion and promised to care for Jesus’ aging mother. John saw the gory blood. He grieved as he witnessed his cousin’s last breath. But three days later, John was transformed by Christ’s resurrection. No earthly miracles Christ had performed prepared him for this:

“Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulcher, and seeth the linen clothes lie, 7 And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself. 8 Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulcher, and he saw, and believed.” John 20:6-8. KJV

John was filled with wonder and awe at what He saw. Jesus’ mangled corpse was wrapped in 75 pounds of spices. A linen napkin was placed over His face. Easter morning, the gigantic boulder was rolled down the hill. The sixteen cracker jack Roman Special Forces team was nowhere to be found. And to top it off, the bandages were not unrolled, they remained in the shape of the corpse. Jesus had dematerialized folded His head napkin, and laid it on the other side of the tomb.

John was filled with a sense of wonder. Every day, for the rest of his long life, John was in awe of His Master. Ninety-year-old John, imprisoned on the island of Patmos, was the one Jesus trusted to write Revelation-the heavenly vision that predicted the glories of heaven and the end of time.

We can live lives of wonder because of Christ’s resurrection. Post-conversion, most Christians slug their way through daily living in apathy. The Bible is boring and the events of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection seem like holy mythology. Nothing is fresh or new.

But have you ever taken a child to Disneyland? Their eyes are as big as saucers, and every mouse, princess and teacup seem magical and amazing! If we truly believe Jesus conquered death and the grave, we can live our lives with a sense of wonder. We can wake up every morning, just waiting to hear our Savior speak, looking for Him in creation and seeing Him in the lives of your Christian brothers and sisters. Don’t let your Christian walk become mundane. Open your eyes and marvel at His work.

Finally, you don’t have to experience post-partum depression after Easter because God is a God of second chances. Jesus cooked breakfast for Peter and restored him to ministry. Nobody messed up more than Peter. He denied Christ. He always said the wrong thing. And he picked up his nets and went back to the fishing business after Jesus died.

Jesus gently spoke to Pete as he chewed his trout sandwich.

2 Jesus said to them “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. 13 Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead. 15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” 16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” 17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. John 21:12-17 NIV

The four words in Greek for “love” are different: eros, storge, phileo, and agape. The first “love” implies agape, Divine love. Peter’s response meant phileo “like you a lot.” So Jesus said, “Peter, do you love me with Divine love?” Peter replied, “Lord, you know I like you a lot…” Jesus repeated His question to Peter. “Peter, do you love me with Divine love?” Again Peter answered, “Yes, Lord, You know that I really like you a lot.” Jesus pushed Peter further. “Peter, do you even like me a lot?” “Yes, Lord, you know that I like you a lot.” “Then feed my sheep.”

Peter loved Jesus imperfectly. Jesus assured Him it didn’t matter. He called Him to do the most important task in the world. Peter took on Christ’s mantle, the mantle of a shepherd. The flawed, bumbling apostle became the rock Jesus knew he could be. Peter preached at Pentecost, and pastored the church in Jerusalem. He even shared in Christ’s crucifixion. In 34 A.D., Peter died in Rome, choosing to be crucified upside down because he felt unworthy to be executed in the same manner as his Master.

So how can Jesus’ resurrection change you? You now have hope. Jesus doesn’t care about your past failures or your stupid words. You may have denied Him. You may be on God’s plan “Z” for your life. You can begin again, and Jesus can infuse your life with unbelievable resurrection power. You can change the world. Yes, you!

So lay aside your doubts and failures. See the wonder of the Divine every day. Embrace the hope that He offers you. He is risen indeed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The American Pursuit of Pleasure: Is There Something Better?

by Tom Terry
written by Tom Terry

Part of serving a ministry in a foreign country is to identify the chief value(s) of your host country so that you will know what you should and shouldn’t do when trying to reach people for Christ in that country. I experienced this first hand during my 10 years in Mongolia. I listened carefully to what Mongolians talked about and watched their behavior. I listened carefully to the other foreigners I knew in the country, to learn from their experiences. After several years I think I began to understand the chief value of most Mongolians. That chief value is power. In fact, I can define most (not all) of my relationships with Mongolians in terms of power.

When I returned to America after 10 years away it seemed to me that many things here have changed. In a way I feel like I am an outsider from American culture. I’m still American. I still think and act like the average American (or so I think). But when I observe American culture I find myself trying to identify America’s chief values.

One of the truths of culture studies is that it is difficult for a person in his or her own culture to identify the chief values of their own culture. Such people are too close to their own culture to objectify it and examine their culture from an outsider’s perspective. As an example, when I asked Mongolians what their nation’s chief value was I got all kinds of different answers. Yet when I observed Mongolian behavior and read about Mongolian history and culture I came away with the power value. In fact, Mongolian culture is a classic culture known as “power distance.”

But now that I’ve returned to America I find myself looking in on my home culture with a bit of an outsider’s perspective. I don’t think I can objectify American culture completely, I am still an American living for the moment in my own culture. But I find myself doing so, at least somewhat, and I think I’ve come up with America’s chief value—and it’s not a good one.

Pleasure. In every way Americans live for pleasure.

Everywhere I go and everywhere I look since my return to America I see the signs of the pursuit of pleasure. Whether people pursue money, or possessions, they are pursuing pleasure. Everything I see on TV seems to represent the pursuit of pleasure. The products we buy are designed to make life easier, more convenient, more pleasurable.

We have even recreated the church experience with flashing spot lights, high def video, coffee shops, fog machines, and less-threatening sermons (now called “messages”) so that church is perceived as more “welcoming” and “non-threatening.” We want people to be happy and have a good opinion of us. We sue if the coffee is too hot. We complain about the smallest of things which have no long-term or eternal value. We refuse to do something if we “don’t have a peace about it.”

How very American. We think we are sharing the Gospel by talking less about Jesus and more about other things from the Bible—but we’re not. We’re just finding creative, self-serving ways to abandon the ugliness, hardship, and absolute necessity of the cross. We are truly a narcissistic culture. Everything is about the pursuit of pleasure.

So what’s wrong with that?

In and of itself pleasure is not a bad thing. In the new heaven and the new earth we will enjoy pleasures evermore. There will be no sin or grief or trouble for those trillions times trillions of never ending years. But our chief pursuit will not be pleasure, rather, it will be the knowledge and love of Christ—to know the eternal God in every way. But when it comes to life on Earth right now, pleasure can be good, but it can also distract us to what life is all about.

The Apostle Paul warned us about the pursuit of pleasure. He warned us that the days would come when men would be “lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.” In fact, I find it interesting that Paul seemed to place these two things in opposition to one another. The one whose chief aim in life is pleasure is one who is not pursuing his relationship with God. God gives pleasure (Psalm 16:11), but that pleasure is contingent upon our pursuit of God.

Life is not all about pleasure. It’s nice to have. But it should not be the chief pursuit of our lives. When it becomes our greatest aim we deceive ourselves into thinking that God is blessing us when in fact we may be cursed to distraction.

When I think about the people in history or in my life whom I admire the most, every one of those people has endured great hardships, made terrible sacrifices, and seized difficulties and challenges for something higher than themselves, and greater than their own comfort. Those are the people I want to be like, those who endure anything for the sake of Christ. Philippians 3:7-8 should be out motto. “But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.”

I like the way John Piper has put this. “If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ were not there?”

Can we be satisfied with all our pleasures if we don’t have Christ now, or in Heaven? May such a thing never be. Jesus must be our supreme affection. Without him, everything else in life is transient, temporary, and will contribute nothing of value to our eternity. That’s not how I want to live.

 

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Here Are 7 Temptations that Leaders Face

by demo
written by demo

Leading is a difficult task whether you are in the secular world or in church. Leaders must stay sharp if they want to be faithful to the task God has laid before them. Here are just a few “hooks” that can hinder leaders.

#1 – Wasting Time – We live in a world where it is easier to waste time than it ever has been before.  Comment wars on blogs, tweeting arguments, browsing through random facebook pages and numerous other things can absolutely distract us from what we were put on this planet to do.  (BTW…I don’t think the world will EVER be changed because of the comment section on a blog!!!)

#2 – Cruise Control – Leadership is exhausting, and so we must constantly battle the desire to just allow things to be the way they are.  This mentality will put us on course towards an iceberg that will sink even the largest ship!  (”I won’t ever let go Jack!”)

#3 – Excuse Making – When a problem/difficult situation arises we can either deal with it or simply excuse it away.  And people who make excuses rarely make a difference because they are way more obsessed with doing what is easy rather than doing what is right.

#4 – Being Passive – This is a cousin of #3, but passivity has no place in leadership.  Ignoring a problem does not make it go away; in fact, it often makes is become larger and, in many cases, overwhelming.  If a problem comes to your attention DEAL WITH IT, don’t deny it.  God brought it to your attention because you are the leader and you are the one called to make the tough decision.

#5 – Copying – We should NEVER be ashamed of borrowing ideas from others!  I honestly feel that there really aren’t any original ideas on the planet…and even if the idea is “original” that person was given the idea from the Holy Spirit…so it actually isn’t original in the first place.  However, when we build a ministry based on the imitation of others rather than revelation from God we do so out of laziness…and God NEVER honors laziness.

#6 – Meaningless Fights – Someone IS going to attack your church/ministry…and one of the easiest ways to get sidetracked is to begin to fight with people who don’t know you, care about you or care about your church.

#7 – Playing It Safe – When a leader stops taking risks because there is too much to lose…he is closer to losing everything than he actually realizes.  We don’t follow a Savior who played it safe, if He said “take up your cross and follow me” then we need to understand that sacrifice and risk WILL be involved if we want to go where He is leading.

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The Sweet Song of the Second Fiddle

by Max Lucado
written by Max Lucado

For thousands of years, the relationship had been perfect. As far back as any one could remember, the moon had faithfully reflected the sun’s rays into the dark night. It was the greatest duo in the universe. Other stars and planets marveled at the reliability of the team. Generation after generation of earthlings were captivated by the reflection. The moon became the symbol of romance, high hopes, and even nursery rhymes.

“Shine on, harvest moon,” the people would sing. And he did. Well, in a way he did. You see, the moon didn’t actually shine. He reflected. He took the light given to him by the sun and redirected it toward the earth. A simple task of receiving illumination and sharing it.

You would think such a combo would last forever. It almost did. But one day, a nearby star planted a thought in the moon’s core.

“It must be tough being a moon,” the star suggested.

“What do you mean? I love it! I’ve got an important job to do. When it gets dark, people look to me for help. And I look to the sun. He gives me what I need and I give the people what they need. People depend on me to light up their world. And I depend on the sun.”

“So, you and the sun must be pretty tight.”

“Tight? Why, we are like Huntley and Brinkley, Hope and Crosby, Benny and Day…”

“Or maybe Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy?”

“Who?”

“You know, the man and the dummy.”

“Well, I don’t know about the dummy part.”

“That’s exactly what I mean. You are the dummy. You don’t have any light of your own. You depend on the sun. You’re the sidekick. You don’t have any name for yourself.”

“Name for yourself?”

“Yeah, you’ve been playing second fiddle for too long. You need to step out on your own.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean stop reflecting and start generating. Do your own thing. Be your own boss. Get people to see you for who you really are.”

“Who am I?”

“Well, you are, uh, well, uh, well, that’s what you need to find out. You need to find out who you are.”

The moon paused and thought for a moment. What the star said made sense. Though he had never considered it, the moon was suddenly aware of all the inequities of the relationship.

Why should he have to work the night shift all the time? And why should he be the one the astronauts stepped on first? And why should he always be accused of making waves? And why don’t the dogs and wolves howl at the sun for a change? And why should it be such an outrage to “moon” while “sunning” is an accepted practice?

“You are right!” asserted the moon. “It’s high time we had a solar-lunar equity up here.”

“Now you’re talking,” prodded the star. “Go discover the real moon!”

Such was the beginning of the breakup. Rather than turning his attention toward the sun, the moon began turning his attention toward himself.

He set out on the course of self-enhancement. After all, his complexion was a disgrace, so full of craters and all. His wardrobe was sadly limited to three sizes; full-length, half-cast, and quarter-clad. And his coloring was an anemic yellow.

So, girded with determination, he set out to reach for the moon.

He ordered glacier packs for his complexion. He changed his appearance to include new shapes such as triangular and square. And for coloring he opted for a punk-rock orange. “No one is going to call me cheese-face anymore.”

The new moon was slimmed down and shaped up. His surface was a s smooth as a baby’s bottom. Everything was fine for a while.

Initially, his new look left him basking in his own moonlight. Passing meteors would pause and visit. Distant stars would call and compliment. Fellow moons would invite him over to their orbits to watch “As the World Turns.”

He had friends. He had fame. He didn’t need the sun—until the trends changed. Suddenly “punk” was out and “prep” was in. The compliments stopped and the giggles began as the moon was slow to realize that he was out of style. Just as he finally caught on and had his orange changed to pinstripe, the style went to “country.”

It was painful poking of the rhinestones into his surface that caused him to finally ask himself, “What’s this all for anyway? You’re on the cover of the magazine one day and forgotten the next. Living off the praise of others is an erratic diet.”

For the first time since he’d begun his campaign to find himself, the moon thought of the sun. He remembered the good ol’ millenniums when praise was not a concern. What people thought of him was immaterial since he wasn’t in the business of getting people to look at himself. Any praise that came his way was quickly passed on to the boss. The sun’s plan was beginning to dawn on the moon. “He may have been doing me a favor.”

He looked down upon the earth. The earthlings had been getting quite a show. They never knew what to expect: first punk, then preppie, now country. Odds-makers in Las Vegas were making bets as to whether the next style would be chic or macho. Rather than be the light of their world he was the butt of their jokes.

Even the cow refused to jump over him.

But it was the cold that bothered him the most. Absence from the sunlight left him with a persistent chill. No warmth. No glow. His full-length overcoat didn’t help. It couldn’t help; the shiver was from the inside, an icy shiver from deep within his core that left him feeling cold and alone.

Which is exactly what he was.

One night as he looked down upon the people walking in the dark, he was struck by the futility of it all. He thought of the sun. He gave me everything I needed. I served a purpose. I was warm. I was content. I was…I was what I was made to be.

Suddenly, he felt the old familiar warmth. He turned and there was the sun. The sun had never moved. “I’m glad you’re back,” the sun said. “Let’s get back to work.”

“You bet!” agreed the moon.

The coat came off. The roundness returned, and a light was seen in the dark sky. A light even fuller was seen in the dark sky. A light even brighter.

And to this day whenever the sun shines and the moon reflects and the darkness is illuminated, the moon doesn’t complain or get jealous. He does what he was intended to do all along.

The moon beams.

 

http://www.upwords.com. Used by permission.

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Hannah’s Hurt of Barrenness: What is the Point of Suffering?

by Michele deMiranda
written by Michele deMiranda

I’ve never been a fan of Winnie-the-Pooh. Or Tigger. Or Piglet. Tigger was always too spastic. Piglet too nervous. And Pooh, just too pooh. But Eeyore? He was my kind of guy with his tacked-on tail and gloomy outlook, “Why bother? What’s the point? It doesn’t matter anyway.”

 

As a kid, I had a little stuffed Eeyore. He was made of corduroy and filled with sawdust. (An appropriate stuffing for such a gloomy donkey, don’t you think?) He wasn’t plush like most stuffed animals are, but was solid as a rock and impossible to snuggle with. Still, I loved him. I think there was something about him that I saw in myself.

 

I eventually moved on to other favorite toys and my Eeyore was lost, but his attitude stayed with me. During difficult seasons, I think I might have been channeling him. People would say, “Pray!” I’d say, “Why bother?” They’d tell me, “Read Scripture!” I’d say in perfect Eeyore pitch,  “What’s the point?”

 

Fighting off Eeyore’s pessimism has always been a battle for me, but the battle has intensified in recent years as my husband and I struggle to add children to our family. In addition to a seemingly endless international adoption process, we also suffered two miscarriages in 2008, one at 12 weeks and then another one at 10. Both times, my husband and I had seen the babies’ hearts beating on the ultrasound. We had gotten glimpses of what they might look like. We imagined our future with them, and then one day their hearts just stopped. The Lord had called them back to be with Him.

 

We still don’t have children, and it has been a tough, tough journey. But God has blessed us in unexpected ways as He asks us to walk down a road we never would have chosen on our own. As I’ve experienced God’s presence in our trials, I’ve been able to look at suffering from a different perspective. Rather than mumbling Eeyore’s defeated mantra, “What’s the point?” I’ve been able to ask, “What is the point?” By the grace of God, I have started to see that in suffering, there is a point.

 

A common experience that we all share is pain and suffering. My pain might be different than your pain, but one thing is certain: we will all experience pain at some point in our lives. We lose loved ones. We encounter health issues. Some of us struggle with marital problems or financial difficulties. Others battle loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, an unresolved hurt, or an unidentifiable ache that sneaks up and then won’t go away. While we are here on this earth, we can be sure that we will all experience pain. But we can also be sure that no matter what we’re going through, God can use it for good.

 

In 1 Samuel 1, we meet a woman named Hannah. Her heart is breaking. When the story opens, she and her husband Elkanah are making an annual pilgrimage to a place called Shiloh, where they’ll offer sacrifices to the Lord. Hannah and Elkanah are not alone. There is also a not-so-nice second wife named Peninnah. Peninnah has children. Hannah does not, but she longs for a baby. Knowing this, Penninah takes great joy in tormenting Hannah until she bursts into tears.

 

Hannah eventually reaches her breaking point and cries out in bitterness of soul, “O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life.” (v. 1:10) The Lord hears her. He remembers her and blesses her with Samuel. When Samuel is about three years old, Hannah fulfills her vow to dedicate him to the Lord. She brings him to live with Eli the priest so he can be trained in the work of the Lord. Samuel grows up to become a prophet and anoints the first two kings of Israel, making Hannah the proud mom of a pretty important guy.

 

That is Hannah’s story. God writes a different story for each one of us, and has an infinite number of reasons why we walk through trials in this life. Some of those reasons we’ll never know, but sometimes He does give us a glimpse of His purpose.

 

Just before Mother’s Day, I was having a very emotional morning. In addition to the pain of the upcoming celebration, I was also grieving a due date that never happened. Our second pregnancy would have been due the day before Mother’s Day. I remember sitting on my couch with my head back, praying like Hannah, “Father, look at me. Please!” I desperately wanted to hear something, but half expected to not hear anything. And then it popped into my head, “I am tenderizing your heart.”

 

I love to cook, but I tend to cook a lot of vegetarian dishes and had never tenderized meat. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I thought tenderizing meat involved rubbing it with a luxurious sea salt and then bathing it in a marinade until it became soft and relaxed. Kind of like a spa treatment for steaks.

When I heard God say, “I am tenderizing your heart,” I was confused because in that moment, it didn’t feel like my heart was being bathed in a soothing marinade. I googled “How to Tenderize a Steak”. If God was tenderizing my heart, I figured it would look a lot like how you tenderize a steak. I wanted to know what that looked like.

 

A 30-second video popped up. All it showed was a cheery woman standing in front of a raw steak, holding a small mallet that could have easily been a medieval torture device. One side was flat; the other side had rows and rows of spikes. She points out to make sure to use the side with lots of spikes, and then starts bashing the innocent steak in front of her. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! That was it! The video stopped with her mid-swing, mallet held high in the air.

 

I played it again because I was sure it had gotten cut off. I was thinking, “What? That’s it! Where’s the salt rub? What about the bath? That’s tenderizing? Just take a spiky mallet and pound the living daylights out of it? That’s what God is doing to my heart? That’s so mean! Why would He do that?

 

And then it occurred to me.

 

Jesus knows about mallets.

 

Jesus knows about spikes.

 

“He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5, NIV)

 

Jesus suffered the most brutal tenderizing of all. He was beaten beyond recognition. Whipped to a bloody pulp. Killed so that we could live. Crucified so that he wouldn’t have to go a day without us, so that we could have eternal life and so much more: joy in the midst of pain, hope in the throes of despair, and even in the most trying circumstances, a peace that passes all understanding. His peace. Out of his mangled, pulverized, tenderized flesh, the Glory of God was released and we were given Life.

 

On a much smaller scale, something similar happens when He tenderizes our hearts. The pounding, the pulverizing, the pain. It hurts. But there is God-glorifying, Life-giving purpose in that pain. It gives us the opportunity to know Christ in a deeply intimate way. Paul calls it “the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings” (Philippians 3:10, NIV).

 

Simply put, when we suffer we share a common experience with Jesus, a common bond, a fellowship. He knows all about suffering. Even though our experiences are a small measure of what He went through, God can still use it to change us, sanctify us, make us more holy so that we’re able to live more in the Spirit, rather than out of the flesh.

 

After watching that meat mallet video, I searched for other ways to tenderize steak. I searched for hours. In hindsight, what I was looking for an easier way. I didn’t like that meat mallet video. I wanted a video that showed the steak surrounded by candles, relaxing in a bath listening to Yanni. That’s the kind of tenderizing I wanted.

 

I did find several articles that verified you don’t need a mallet to tenderize meat. You can use salt or a lemon juice marinade. But those mallet-less approaches weren’t what I wanted either. There’s a reason why you need salt or lemon juice and it isn’t pretty.

 

The salt and the acid in the juice break up the flesh. Pounding it with a meat mallet does the same thing. It breaks up the flesh.

 

God wants to break up those hardened, fleshly places in our hearts. The bad news is breaking up those places means breaking our hearts. The good news is a broken heart gives us the opportunity to exercise hope and build it up like a muscle.

 

Hope is a beautiful thing, but when everything is going our way, we have no use for it. The best time to exercise hope is when we’re in the middle of a painful situation. You’ve seen those bulked up guys at the gym lifting weights. You know what their faces look like. They’re in pain. But they keep doing those reps because they want the end result: a stronger body.

 

We can take that same principle and apply it spiritually. Our barbell is Scripture. The Word of God has weight, but just like the weights at the gym, it does us no good if we don’t pick it up and use it again and again.

 

“Lord, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me.” (1 Samuel 1:11)

“The bows of the warrior are broken, but those who stumble are armed with strength.” (1 Samuel 2:4)

“Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” (Job 13:15)

 

Whatever Scriptures resonate with you, pick them up and use them, speak them over and over again. You’ll build up faith and strengthen your ability to hope in times of trouble.

 

It’s easy for me to sit here and write this message, but in all honesty, it’s a battle for me to live it. I fight hopelessness regularly. I have to summon the self-discipline to speak Scripture and to go to Jesus with my pain. I don’t like looking at my pain. Taking it to Jesus means having to look at it, touch it, pick it up and carry it so that I can hand it to Him. My human nature, my flesh, tells me to cover up my pain. Hide my wounds. Don’t let anyone see. I want to be strong, successful, independent, whole…not broken. I want to have my act together. That’s the face I want to present to the world. I also think having my act together is what will point others to Christ.

 

Jesus and Thomas showed me something different.

 

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”

But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.”

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20:24-29, NIV)

 

Thomas didn’t believe. He doubted. So what did Jesus do? He didn’t go to him with a thunderous miracle. He didn’t reveal his power with some big bang. He didn’t try to debate him into belief. Instead, He showed Thomas His brokenness and He let him touch his wounds.

 

He let him touch his wounds.

 

“Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” (John 20:27, NIV)

 

When Jesus showed Thomas his brokenness, his pierced palms, the gaping hole in his side, He didn’t do it for the blood and gore. He did it for the Glory of God. Thomas was able to see God’s glory through Jesus’ broken body, and when he came face to face with brokenness redeemed, he couldn’t help but cry out in worship, “My Lord and my God!”

 

In his book, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing, Henri Nouwen writes:

 

“Our glory is hidden in our pain, if we allow God to bring the gift of Himself in our experience of it. If we turn to God, not rebelling against our hurt, we let God transform it into greater good. We let others join us and discover it with us.”1

 

God shows up in our brokenness if invite Him in and allow Him to touch our wounds. When we open ourselves up to Him in that way, He brings the “gift of Himself” into our pain and heals it. We can then invite others to touch our wounds, and give them the gift of seeing hope in spite of suffering, joy in spite of pain and God’s redeeming grace at the center of it all.

 

Henri Nouwen goes on to say:

 

“If mourning and dancing are part of the same movement of grace, we can be grateful for every moment we have lived. We can claim our unique journey as God’s way to mold our hearts to greater conformity of Christ. The cross, the primary symbol of our faith, invites us to see grace where there is pain; to see resurrection where there is death. The call to be grateful is a call to trust that every moment can be claimed as the way of the cross that leads to new life.”2

 

“Every moment can be claimed as the way of the cross that leads to new life.” Moments of joy, moments of heartache and everything in between. God wants to choreograph all of these things into a beautiful and sacred dance that transforms us into a greater likeness of Christ so that we can minister to a broken and hurting world.

 

This world is broken. We live in a broken place. We can’t be here and not experience heartache and brokenness. Is there something that’s breaking you? Is there something that has you saying, “Why bother? What’s the point?”

 

Will you let Jesus enter into that broken place? Will you allow yourself to experience the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings? If you could pray like Hannah, silently but with all your heart and soul, what would you say to God? How would you cry out?

 

Take a few minutes now to go before the Lord. If you are in a season of suffering, pour out your pain to Him and let Him touch your wounds. He will heal you. Or pray for someone you know who is hurting and ask the Father to fill up those broken places in the way that only He can.

 

Lord, thank you that when we lift up our burdens to You, You take them. Thank you that our suffering is not wasted with You. You have a purpose. You always have a purpose. Even though You might not always reveal what Your exact purposes are, we can trust that You will not leave us or forsake us. You will turn our mourning into dancing. You will redeem us, raise us above our circumstances and give us Life.

 

Thank you Lord, that when we ask You, “What’s the point?” Your answer is: I AM.

 

I AM enough. I AM the Way, the Truth and the Life.

 

I AM.

 

To You alone be the Glory.

Amen

 

1 Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing: Finding Hope in Hard Times (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2001), 12.

 

2 Ibid., 18.

 

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Sermons

How to Heal Relational Scars God’s Way

by Heather Zempel
written by Heather Zempel

The story of Paul and Ananias teaches us much about healing relational scars. Take your hurt and be honest in the presence of God. Articulate your pain and anger to Him. Allow God to bring His redeeming love into your story. When we are in pain, we pull away from others, the very people God brings into our lives to help us to receive healing. Because Saul was able to receive forgiveness for the people he scarred, he was reconciled to God and was able to make an impact for the Kingdom. We can, too.

Preached at National Community Church. Used by permission.

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When to Have Sex: Why God Says to Wait

by Glenn Barteau
written by Glenn Barteau

One of my pastor-mentors said, “When sex is good, it’s great. But when sex in bad, it’s still pretty good!” A good observation, but the Bible has more to say on the subject. The American notion of living together may or may not be exclusive, but it is by nature… far from permanent. God tells us in Genesis that our sexuality is designed to be exercised in a marriage relationship… defined as being exclusive, and permanent.

So what is sex? It’s an intimate, monogomous relational connection between maleness and femaleness that reflects the nature of God. It’s the fusion of two souls. The Bible compels us to lead sexually pure lives…. to express our sexuality through a marriage of intimate, exclusive, permanence. … and the payoffs for sexual purity are wonderful.

Here are just a few payoffs for sexual purity:

1. You will have a whole self… to connect with someone else in an intimate, exclusive, permanent relationship.

When you get married there will not be parts of yourself spread out all over the sexual horizon.

A commercial for Las Vegas shows a group of girls having fun, flirting and partying with some guys and says, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Does the Aids virus know this? Has it heard of this?  Does Herpes, and VD… do they understand how this works? Do broken hearts, and sexual images emblazoned on the brain concur with this false pretense? By any standard it’s a wonderful thing to take a pure body and a healthy heart into the beginning of a marriage.

2. You get to be a whole person in your sexuality.

We lose a part of ourselves when we bond to someone in a non-permanent relationship. If you’re struggling – I think I’ve got just the illustration for you. Go to the freezer. Get your tongue nice and wet…. Stick your tongue to the side of the icemaker… and hold it there a few minutes until it freezes to the icemaker. Then I just want you to walk away. That is a physical picture of the consequences of a sex relationship outside of marriage. People who say “I’ll just go fuse myself to this person… and then walk away.” You are leaving part of yourself on the frozen bedpost of someone else’s life.

Lewis Smeads wrote “There are only two situations in which people feel no shame. The first is the state of wholeness…. the other is the state of illusion.” People who leave parts of themselves on the sexual horizon and say feel no pain have souls that are eroding away… and they don’t realize it. They will tell you, “Hey, I moistened my tongue, I stuck it to the icemaker. I walked away and it doesn’t hurt!” Blood is dripping from their mouths and half of their tongues are still stuck to the side of the icemaker. They justify their actions by saying, “I feel no pain!” “This is wonderful, so refreshing!” The only way one feels no pain is if he or she is living in deception or if they have destroyed the nerve endings on their tongues. I believe there are a lot of people on our planet that have destroyed the nerve endings of their souls. The Bible calls that condition a seared conscience.

Here are some words of advice:

1) Those who are whole – you who have guarded your sexual purity, celebrate what you have. Enjoy God’s gift.

2) Those who are not whole – you have given a part of yourself away.  First, if you’re still doing it… stop. Just stop. Even if it’s the person you are going to marry someday. That’s like going to the same freezer over and over.

3) Allow God to begin healing your life. If you’ve given a little or a lot of yourself away… through God’s grace, He can begin to fill the void in your soul… leading you back to sexual wholeness. You can experience forgiveness and renewal today!

Sexuality can become a lifelong source of joy… or it can become an unending journey of emptiness. Let God bless you by enjoying sex in the context of a godly marriage.

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Articles

Don’t Go Solo

by Don McMinn
written by Don McMinn

Singing sensation Taylor Swift sold four million records last year. Among her best current songs are “You Belong with Me” and “Two is Better than One.” The Bible tells us we are created to need each other. So how do we truly care for the people God places in our life? 

In many ways, caring for one another is the foundational building block of all relationships, yet we struggle to be real and present with others as work, finances and time constraints take priority. In his writings to the churches at Rome, Corinth and Ephesus, Paul teaches us six truths about how the body of Christ demonstrates care to its members. (I Cor. 12:24-26

  • When one part of the body is in pain, it affects all the other parts. So when we hear that a friend’s wife has a terminal illness, we hurt for them.
  • When one part of the body is cared for, all parts are affected. We are elated when a couple we know has conceived after 18 years of childlessness.
  • Members of the body are meant to care for one another. It seems a natural response to call a friend whose long-time relationship with his girlfriend takes a different course.
  • Care for one another should be mutual. We need to be givers and takers so there is reciprocity in the body of Christ.
  • Care for one another should be equal. We should not show more care toward one person than we do another. Let’s take a mental inventory of our relationships. Are we encouraging some and neglecting others?
  • Mutual care for one another is the key to unity. We can be aligned in our beliefs but estranged in our relationships if we haven’t demonstrated concern for one another. A generous dose of care is the best prescription for a fractured relationship or divisive church body. 

No one should ever have to experience the pain of being alone, including members of our own family. Here are some practical ways of caring for one another that have worked for me. 

  • Stay current with people’s lives. Caring for others is difficult if we aren’t aware of their struggles and joys. Keep in touch regularly.
  • Concentrate on doing caring acts. We need to turn our caring attitudes into action:  phone calls, notes and letters, items of personal interest. A friend’s collection of nativities inspired us to show her an article about another such collector, a gesture that showed we were aware of her interests.
  • Take an interest in what other people are interested in. (Phil. 2:4) Our interests include physical and emotional needs, desires, hopes, fears and worries – the things we think about and are concerned about. A good way to get in the habit of caring for others is to take the issues that concern us and use them as a reminder that other people probably have similar concerns.
  • Learn to enter into other people’s worlds – their physical, mental and emotional worlds. People feel blessed when we take the time to be physically with them, share their thinking and empathize with them emotionally.
  • Recognize that caring for others can be a burden that God prepares us for and helps us to bear. We can experience sadness, disappointment and hardship. Caring can cost us in resources, mental anguish and emotional pain. Nevertheless, we should anticipate the inconveniences, the dying to self and the sacrifice that caring for others will demand.
  • Look for unique and personal ways to express care for others. After a national football championship a few years ago, I called a friend to congratulate him on his school’s win. I wanted him to know that I cared for him and his history with that college. 

Have you ever felt like no one cares about you? It is a hopeless feeling, a sense of being terribly alone with our pain, fear and even joy. It is a feeling of being disconnected and without help, cut off, overlooked, ignored, anonymous. That’s why the Bible instructs us to care for one another. No one should ever have to experience the pain of being alone.

Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring)
Executive Director of theiPlace.org
The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

Check out Roger’s sermon: “Friends are Sheltering Trees”

 

 

 

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Articles

Don't Go Solo

by piti2
written by piti2

Singing sensation Taylor Swift sold four million records last year. Among her best current songs are “You Belong with Me” and “Two is Better than One.” The Bible tells us we are created to need each other. So how do we truly care for the people God places in our life? 

In many ways, caring for one another is the foundational building block of all relationships, yet we struggle to be real and present with others as work, finances and time constraints take priority. In his writings to the churches at Rome, Corinth and Ephesus, Paul teaches us six truths about how the body of Christ demonstrates care to its members. (I Cor. 12:24-26

  • When one part of the body is in pain, it affects all the other parts. So when we hear that a friend’s wife has a terminal illness, we hurt for them.
  • When one part of the body is cared for, all parts are affected. We are elated when a couple we know has conceived after 18 years of childlessness.
  • Members of the body are meant to care for one another. It seems a natural response to call a friend whose long-time relationship with his girlfriend takes a different course.
  • Care for one another should be mutual. We need to be givers and takers so there is reciprocity in the body of Christ.
  • Care for one another should be equal. We should not show more care toward one person than we do another. Let’s take a mental inventory of our relationships. Are we encouraging some and neglecting others?
  • Mutual care for one another is the key to unity. We can be aligned in our beliefs but estranged in our relationships if we haven’t demonstrated concern for one another. A generous dose of care is the best prescription for a fractured relationship or divisive church body. 

No one should ever have to experience the pain of being alone, including members of our own family. Here are some practical ways of caring for one another that have worked for me. 

  • Stay current with people’s lives. Caring for others is difficult if we aren’t aware of their struggles and joys. Keep in touch regularly.
  • Concentrate on doing caring acts. We need to turn our caring attitudes into action:  phone calls, notes and letters, items of personal interest. A friend’s collection of nativities inspired us to show her an article about another such collector, a gesture that showed we were aware of her interests.
  • Take an interest in what other people are interested in. (Phil. 2:4) Our interests include physical and emotional needs, desires, hopes, fears and worries – the things we think about and are concerned about. A good way to get in the habit of caring for others is to take the issues that concern us and use them as a reminder that other people probably have similar concerns.
  • Learn to enter into other people’s worlds – their physical, mental and emotional worlds. People feel blessed when we take the time to be physically with them, share their thinking and empathize with them emotionally.
  • Recognize that caring for others can be a burden that God prepares us for and helps us to bear. We can experience sadness, disappointment and hardship. Caring can cost us in resources, mental anguish and emotional pain. Nevertheless, we should anticipate the inconveniences, the dying to self and the sacrifice that caring for others will demand.
  • Look for unique and personal ways to express care for others. After a national football championship a few years ago, I called a friend to congratulate him on his school’s win. I wanted him to know that I cared for him and his history with that college. 

Have you ever felt like no one cares about you? It is a hopeless feeling, a sense of being terribly alone with our pain, fear and even joy. It is a feeling of being disconnected and without help, cut off, overlooked, ignored, anonymous. That’s why the Bible instructs us to care for one another. No one should ever have to experience the pain of being alone.

Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring)
Executive Director of theiPlace.org
The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

Check out Roger’s sermon: “Friends are Sheltering Trees”

 

 

 

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Articles

Jesus, The Servant-Savior

by Francis Chan
written by Francis Chan

How can we honor the Lord on his Birthday according to the Bible? In Philippians 2:5-7, Paul writes that Jesus came down to earth as a servant and made himself nothing, humbling Himself even unto death. During this Christmas season, how can we serve others and truly worship the Lord? The Bible teaches us that as we take care of the least of these (others in need), then we are taking care of Jesus.

What should our attitudes be during this Holy Season?

It is difficult to keep focused on remembering what Jesus did by becoming human.
Alysa, a leader in the high school ministries who has been blind since birth, loves Christmas because of what Jesus did. She explains that when she sings to God, He allows her to experience what it would have been like to witness the manger scene. How Christ could condescend to take human form and become a baby would cause anyone to feel humble and grateful for such a gift.
   
Jesus became nothing (Phil 2:7), and our attitude of bowing before Christ and humbling ourselves in His presence is the essence of Christianity.
   
This Christmas, instead of looking forward to how we can enjoy the holiday, we need to remember that it is the Lord’s day. He has asked us to love each other, take care of the needy, and become sacrificing servants.  As we look into the face of every person, we should see a new opportunity to serve the Lord this season.

From “O Holy Night” by Frances Chan, edited by Carly Goodner.

 

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Sermons

Enhancing Parent-Child Relationships

by Jack Schull
written by Jack Schull

The quality of our relationships with our children determines the weight of our influence. Regardless of their ages, we must never lose this influence to nurture and guide them. Children need encouragement, acceptance and time to develop these relationships. In the end, the quality of parental relationships will impact the quality of future relationships.

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Sermons

Mourn and Comfort

by Brie Barrier Wetherbee
written by Brie Barrier Wetherbee

We all have up and down days. God wants us to rejoice together and comfort each other when we are hurting. Comforters come uninvited, openly express the depths of their feelings, listen intently and walk with others through the darkest times. Pastor’s Wives conference.

Team sermon with Julie Barrier and Brie Barrier Wetherbee.

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Ask Roger

How Can I Help Someone Find Christ without Harassing Them about Religion?

by Roger Barrier
written by Roger Barrier


Dear Roger,

I moved  to a new place a year ago this past June 11th. Since I moved here, I have met many people and have friends that don’t believe in God and many of them find it ridiculous. They know that I am a Christian, and I want to help them since I noticed that most of them are missing the joy of having Jesus Christ in their life. As a teenager, in a school where religion does not matter, it is somewhat of a difficulty for me to talk to my fellow peers about the wonders of God. I know most of them are going through situations that are difficult to surpass without God’s help and presence. I want to help them and show them God’s glory, but I don’t know how to since they don’t like to talk openly about God or anything. I want to know how I can show them God’s will for their lives without trying to be impulsive to them about what their religious views should be.

Sincerely,

Jason

Dear Jason,

I am thrilled with your passion for your friends to know Christ. Jesus’ parting words recorded in Matthew 28:19 as He ascended to heaven were to “…go and make disciples of all nations”…. You are fulfilling His wish.

So how do you share the Good News of Jesus with your friends? Do you need to be pushy? What do you tell them? How do you even start a conversation about spiritual things?

Let me give you a few thoughts.

First of all, evangelism is a partnership. The Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit is the only One who can convince (and/or convict) a person of his or her need for salvation through Christ. Jesus explained this truth to His disciples in John 16:7-11: “But it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Counselor (Holy Spirit) won’t come…. And when he comes, he will convince the world of its sin, and of God’s righteousness, and of the coming judgment. The world’s sin is unbelief in me. Righteousness is available because I go to the Father, and you will see me no more. Judgment will come because the prince of this world has already been judged.” (NLT)

You cannot convince your friends of their need for a personal relationship with Jesus without working closely with the Holy Spirit. What you can do is explain the benefits you have in Christ, and perhaps answer their questions, and perhaps share your own faith in Christ—and why you believe. Then, pray for the Holy Spirit to break down the unbelief in their hearts by convincing them of the beauty and reality of Christ.

Now, let’s get personal. You mention that they “don’t want to talk about these things.” We know that relationships open the door to talking. The more time you invest with them—especially getting to know them—the more likely they are to open up to you and listen to your ideas.

The more you get to know them, the more you will see deep into their hurts and struggles. Remember, everyone is fighting a battle. Ministering to their hurts often opens the door to their inner souls so we finally get a chance to talk with them about Jesus.

In John 4:1-30 Jesus led a woman He met just moments earlier into the Kingdom of God. He opened the door by talking about her hurts. He knew that she had been married five times and was currently living with a man not her husband. He moved straight to the rejection issues that were crippling her life. Facing her needs and sensing the emotional healing power of a caring Person, she moved quickly into a deep, genuine relationship with Him.

Everyone hurts. We are born into an imperfect world, live among imperfect people, and we ourselves have flaw. So we all have hurts. Sensitivity to others pain will open the door with anyone.

I use a technique which works as well with brand-new acquaintances as well with folks I have known for years. One of my evangelism models is based on Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

First, I ask, “What was the best day of your life?” People never hesitate to tell me. As they relate their joyous day, I rejoice with them. I reflect back how wonderful that day must have been. I get excited (genuinely excited) about their experience. This is rejoicing with those who rejoice.

Not long afterward I ask, “What was the worst day you ever had? I have never had anyone fail to answer that question either. I listen as they share; I ask questions; I mourn with them. I say things like, “I am so sorry. How did you feel as you were going through that difficult experience? What an awful time for you. I am so sad you had to experience that.” Immediately, I see an openness and vulnerability I would never see if I went directly to dealing with their sin issues.

Ministering to people’s hurts is often the key that opens the door to helping heal their “fallenness” and need for Jesus.

Let me give you another Biblical model from Luke 19:1-8. Zacchaeus was a hated, crooked tax collector for the Roman government. He used his position to line his own pockets with wealth. He was a traitor to his own neighbors and they hated him for it. His nasty behaviors were evident to all. He was a wicked, lying, stealing, cheating and selfishness man.

Think with me now. Could you imagine that a man like Zacchaeus might have some feelings? Certainly he would. He had to! You know that he was feeling lonely, rejected, despised, hated and guilty.

Now, could you imagine that a tax collector behaving like he was and feeling like he did, might have some needs? Certainly! Among other things he needed love, acceptance, companionship, forgiveness and affirmation?

When Jesus arrived in town He walked immediately to Zacchaeus’ tree and called out, “You sneaky, thieving, selfish little man! Stop it!” No, of course, that is not at all what He said. Only a beginner starts like that. Christ gently said, “Zacchaeus, come down. I’m going to lunch with you today.” To go to his house and eat from the same bowls with your fingers was one of the greatest signs of acceptance Jesus could have done in this culture.
Good things happened during lunch. During the next three hours Jesus ministered to his needs and healed his feelings Three hours later the front door flew open and Zacchaeus shouted for all to hear: “Half of all I have I give to the poor; and whatever I have stolen from any of you I will restore four times over!” Jesus declared, “Today, salvation has come to your house!”

Zacchaeus found faith in Christ—not because Jesus yelled, “Stop it,” but because Jesus took the time to build a relationship and then ministere first to his deepest needs and hurts.

The deeper the levels of trust we build into relationships the more we can share with our friends and the more they will listen and give credence to what we say. Many of us miss opportunities because we are not willing to invest time in the lives of others. To build relationships takes time, energy, and a passion for people. We cannot sit in the comfortable pews of our church and shoot “gospel bullets” over the walls. Jesus ate with tax collectors, sinners, prostitutes and social outcasts. He knew how much they needed Him.

While relationship building takes time, it is not always essential. Sometimes the Lord Jesus puts some one in our paths who is ready to hear the gospel immediately and will respond by praying a prayer to receive Christ. This is often the case on the mission field where men and women have never heard about Jesus. We should always be prepared to share our faith. Paul advised his friend, Timothy, “Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season. Always be ready to give testimony to the hope that lives within you” (2 Timothy 4:2).

Finally, remember that we are not living in a “churched” society. We live in a “Post-Christian”. Millions of Americans have never darkened the door of a church. That does not mean that they are not spiritually hungry. New age teaching, occult practices, kabbalah, scientology, Mormonism, Islam and other spiritual avenues are being widely explored by our friends and neighbors.

When you are discussing Christianity, be aware that some of the people you speak to don’t believe in God, or the Bible or even that Jesus existed. Instead of beginning with Christ and salvation, we most often will have to deal with their questions concerning atheism, agnosticism, suffering, God’s existence, evolution or comparative religions—among a myriad of others. Learn about these ideas so that you can answer their questions with at least some degree of information. But, remember, you don’t have to have all the answers to any of these questions. Your personal story of what Christ has done in your life is the most compelling truth you can share.

I hope this helps. God bless you, R, as you love your friends and find open doors deep into their hearts.

Love, Roger

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Bible Studies

Why Did God Want Us to Have Friends?

by Julie Barrier
written by Julie Barrier

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FRIENDSHIPS ARE ESSENTIAL TO LIFE

From the beginning, in the Garden of Eden, God declared, “It is not good for man to be alone” even though He walked in fellowship with Him. God determined that human companionship and friendship was one solution to address man’s aloneness. If we are to subsist well in life, we need God and other people to be our friends and guides. We can find these positive relationships in communities that God designed: family, marriage, work, church, ministry, and in other walks of life.

Throughout the scriptures we see how friends are essential, and what we can learn from them. Friends impact our lives both positively and negatively. Solomon had watched his father David amass a whole host of intimate friends during David’s life. The friendship between David and Jonathan, the son of Saul, was legendary (1 Samuel 18:1-4). In spite of the years that King Saul hunted down David like an animal, and Saul’s daughter Michal rejected David early in their marriage, David’s loyalty to Jonathan still gave the warrior king grace to show kindness to Saul’s family (1 Samuel 20:15). King David’s remarkable example of loyal friendship must have deeply impacted his son Solomon (1 Samuel 20:41-42).

  • Do you have an intimate friend? How has that friendship impacted your life?
  • Who has modeled deep friendship for you?

This devotional will consider Solomon’s perspective on the value of friendships, providing background information that will help you as you study Proverbs.

SOLOMON’S VIEW OF FRIENDSHIP

King Solomon penned these words in Proverbs 27:10:

“Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you—better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.” (NIV)

Solomon’s best ally was his neighbor King Hiram, the friend of his father David. 1 Kings 5:1 affirms this fact:

“When Hiram king of Tyre heard that Solomon had been anointed king to succeed his father David, he sent his envoys to Solomon, because he had always been on friendly terms with David.” (NIV)

As soon as Solomon ascended the throne, King Hiram of Tyre sent messengers to the young king to offer assistance and support. Hiram played a major role in supplying goods to build God’s temple.

Solomon had also learned from his father to be wary of his brothers. Adonijah, Solomon’s step-brother, tried to steal his throne by goading Bathsheba, Solomon’s mother, to wrongfully advise her son. Bathsheba asked Solomon to give Adonijah Abishag, one of David’s concubines, to be his wife. Solomon wisely saw the intrigue and explained to his mother that taking the wife or concubine of the king was a proclamation to the world that his cagey brother was claiming the throne of his father, King David (1 Kings 2:13-22). Solomon had learned to be wary of his brothers because he watched his older step-brother Absalom attempt to treasonously overthrow David years earlier (2 Samuel 16:21).

  • Think about the people in your life who were trusted allies. How did they support you?
  • Were you ever hesitant to trust someone? Why?
  • What have you learned about relationships from watching your parents or significant role models?

FRIEND OR FOE?

In 2 Samuel 15:30-37, King David encountered a problem that caused him to feel heart-sick and angry. Ahithophel, who was his trusted counselor, betrayed the king by spreading vicious rumors about him, conspiring with Absalom against David. Tragically, some trees (friendships) wither and die. In 2 Samuel 15:30-31 we read:

“But David continued up the Mount of Olives, weeping as he went; his head was covered and he was barefoot. All the people with him covered their heads too and were weeping as they went up. Now David had been told, “Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom.” So David prayed, “O Lord, turn Ahithophel’s counsel into foolishness.” (NIV)

David should have had the discernment to see that Ahithophel, Bathsheba’s father, might still hold a grudge. After all, David had committed adultery with his daughter and surreptitiously murdered his son-in-law, Uriah.

In contrast, King David had a friend who rose to the occasion like a strong sheltering tree to bring him comfort. Hushai the Arkite stood faithfully beside David throughout his reign. In 2 Samuel 15:32 we read:

“When David arrived at the summit, where people used to worship God, Hushai the Arkite was there to meet him, his robe torn and dust on his head.” (NIV)

Hushai was loyal to King David when many in Israel were ready to overthrow him. Hushai the Arkite is the good friend that David needed at that time in his life. He grieved with David. He met the King with his coat torn and dust on his head. Had he been in a fight? No! In ancient times men expressed grief, total bankruptcy of the soul, in this way. Hushai met David bearing the marks of compassion, and David was comforted and blessed (2 Samuel 15:13-37).

THE BLESSING OF FRIENDSHIP

Friends are compassionate and willing to do what needs to be done. Through their actions, we are assured that we are not alone.

  • Recall a time in your life when you needed a friend to show empathy to you and they responded to your pain. How did their kindness make you feel?
  • Have you suffered betrayal by a trusted friend? How did you get past the hurt? Did you mourn the hurt with someone and receive comfort, or did you minimize the pain and try to forget it ever happened?
  • Can you remember someone who stood beside you when everyone else was against you? Does God have someone He wants you to stand beside and help now?

“It is not good.” These are words we don’t like to hear, yet God said that about Adam being alone. God takes friendship seriously. On Day Two we’ll look at the benefit of friends giving us good counsel though there is the risk they might betray us.

APPLYING THE TRUTH

Read I Samuel 15-19; I Kings 5:1; 2 Samuel 16:21; Proverbs 27:10; 2 Samuel 15:30-37; Proverbs 17:17; Proverbs 18:24

In the area below, write out the Scripture(s), thought(s), and question(s) from today’s devotional that you want to spend more time thinking about. What will you apply to your life?

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