An unhealthy person can infect your team like toxins infect the human body. After some exposure, everyone feels sick.
The optimist in you and me hopes that toxic people will get better, and the good news is, sometimes, they do.
Unhealthy people can grow healthier with the right care and attention in a healthy environment.
But some toxic people just don’t. Some remain difficult despite all attempts.
And as you know, if you don’t address toxic people — or worse, let them gain influence — they can infect your whole organization and create a toxic environment.
So…how can you tell early on that the person you’re dealing with might be that person?
There are obvious signs of toxicity:
- Lying
- Manipulation
- Jealously
- High drama
- Refusing to respect boundaries
- Controlling
- Victim mentality
- Assigning blame
- Refusing to accept responsibility
- They’re never wrong
- Playing the victim
- Frequent anger
- Hidden agendas
But there are also more subtle signs. Spotting these six early warning signs can help you avoid a problem before the behavior does any real damage.
6 Signs You’re Dealing With a Toxic Person:
1. They come on too strong.
In my experience as a pastor, the people who show up and want to make it headline news are rarely (I’m being generous here) healthy people. What’s perplexing is that the people who end up being the most toxic at the end of the relationship are over-the-top positive when they first meet you.
I have learned to be suspicious when people tell me on first meeting and first hearing, “That’s the best message I’ve ever heard in my life!” or “This is the best church I’ve ever been to anywhere.”
I find that people who are moderately impressed or even neutral on the first visit and warm up over time are usually the ones who are most healthy in the long run.
People who come on strong when they first meet you usually leave just as loudly.
2. They give you advice during your first meeting.
Whether it’s a casual conversation or even a job interview, people who tell you 15 ways you can improve your organization or your speaking often end up being toxic people.
Are there ways you can grow engagement at your church? Of course.
Can you improve your preaching? Sure you can.
But when someone leads off with loads of advice… well, that’s just not healthy.
When people I first meet start telling me about all the ways we can improve our church, I thank them and tell them point-blank that we’re probably not the church for them and offer to help them find a new one.
3. They tell rather than wait to be asked.
Naturally, we all have valid opinions. But in a healthy human relationship, we reserve opinions about others until we are asked to share them — the same goes for a healthy church.
Toxic people rarely do. Toxic people volunteer them (see #2 above) and have manipulative tendencies to get their way — they’ll use guilt, shame, or play the victim to get what they want.
If someone is telling you things all the time and never waits to be asked, it’s a sign of toxicity.
(In really close relationships, it’s natural to volunteer opinions. But it’s done with humility, respect, and concern for the person.)
4. They want to be the center of attention.
They hijack conversations. They never ask questions. They want to get involved too soon.
Sometimes it’s positive:
- They tell you what they’re an expert in.
- They tell you what they think.
- They tell you about their amazing track record.
- They tell you about their accomplishments.
But sometimes it’s negative:
- They gossip and spread rumors.
- They share private information without consent.
- They twist situations to become the center of attention.
- They thrive on creating chaos and conflict.
Toxic people demand your attention, while truly healthy people wait to be asked.
5. You hear from them far too often in the first month.
Often a toxic person, because they want to be the center of attention, will try to get on your calendar soon.
They’ll email you, call you, ask for breakfast, and try to figure out how they can ‘help’ or be influential early on.
Again, most great leaders wait to be asked.
They have the humility to be obscure for a while and serve rather than want to be served.
6. They have a track record of moving around.
Usually, a person who comes on that strong has a history of moving around.
When I’m picking up some of the other signs, I’ll ask a question such as “Tell me where you’ve gone to church over the last few years.”
Often people will tell me about 3 or 4 churches they’ve been to (flag) or about a major schism they were a part of that caused them to leave their last church (big flag).
Hint: If someone left 5 churches in the last 5 years, they’re probably leaving yours too.
The Impact of Toxic People is Bigger Than You Think
Every day, gifted leaders quit toxic cultures and toxic bosses and leave toxic workplaces.
Every single day, amazing businesses, churches, causes, and not-for-profits miss their mission because someone allowed toxic leaders to sabotage the work.
And every day, good people go home discouraged and defeated because nobody had the guts to deal with the toxic church environment. If you don’t think our culture suffers from toxicity (and even evil), just read the headlines or scroll your feeds for a few minutes. Yep. We do.
Strategies For Dealing with Toxic People
I’ve written before about dealing with toxic people, but to get you started:
- Realize That Some People Won’t Change. Just because someone can change doesn’t mean someone will change. That’s where your leadership and discernment come in.
- Take a Good Look in the Mirror. The first place to look for wisdom, foolishness, and evil in leadership is the least comfortable place to look: In the mirror. I’ve been in senior leadership for over two decades. I don’t want to admit it, but it’s still true: My organization will only ever be as healthy as I am.
- Stack the Top of Your Organization With Wise People. Stacking the top (by that I mean your senior leaders, board, and other key players) with as many wise leaders as possible is critical. Look for honest, humble, growing leaders who love to learn and are open to feedback. Teachability is a much greater ingredient in wisdom than IQ is.
What Do You See?
If a person displays one or two signs that may not demonstrate they’re toxic, but if the person displays 5 or 6, it’s fairly good evidence you might be dealing with a toxic person:
So what do you do with someone like this?
For starters, put up clear boundaries.
Don’t let them get involved. Watch carefully. Usually, if you don’t give them influence, the truly toxic ones leave.
And if, after watching them for a few months (true character is revealed over time) you realize you’re wrong (which I have been), then you can invite them to get involved.
