The Loneliest Grief: Miscarriage

by Karen Holford

Statistics indicate that at least one in every ten babies is lost through miscarriage. Many mothers hide the sorrow inside themselves and never talk about it because they have found that most people do not understand their feelings.

“I don’t know when the really intense feelings of loss and grief began to subside. It was a slow process of ups and downs. Some days I would have a strong sense of loneliness, because, in a strange sort of way, the baby had kept me company. Just knowing there was a secret life within me had given me many moments of quiet, glowing happiness and gentle thrills, and now there was only emptiness and sadness. The tiniest, unseen bundle of life can bring with its awareness so many hopes and dreams to a mother, and I had to grieve for their loss, too.

There would be days when I would cope perfectly well, managing a demanding job, a houseful of guests, and packing for a move. Other days some small thing: the cry of a baby; a toy shop window; finding my maternity clothes; or just nothing at all, would send me into a downward spiral of thoughts and indescribable emotions. Indescribable because they were so complex, such a mixture of tears, loneliness, broken dreams, fears for future pregnancies, frustrations…a cocktail of powerful sensations….

Sometimes, when talking to other women, I feel impressed to mention the fact that I have experienced miscarriage. Time and again someone has then felt free to share their own secret sadness. I am constantly amazed at how many women have had a miscarriage, and yet so few feel able to talk about their emotions, until they find someone else who they know will understand. And then all the feelings flow out, bottled up for months or years, and the healing can begin. But that doesn’t mean they will ever forget. I don’t think you ever can forget. The experience of giving birth at nine months, or nine weeks, is always a very intense experience in a woman’s life. Intense experiences like that become somehow engraved on your heart and mind, recorded in such a way that they can never be erased (until the emotional pain is processed and healed).

But time can help put those experiences and emotions into different perspectives, and into a framework where healing can occur. And, eventually, you can remember, and talk about your miscarriage without the intense pain and emotion that was there initially.

I know that my greatest desire is for a life in heaven, together for eternity, where there won’t be any heart-breaks, and lonely sadnesses, any lost babies. Where all our tears will be wiped away by a loving God.”

Excerpts from The Loneliest Grief, by Karen Holford, pp. 89-94.

 

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