Finding a Mate: What Questions Should You Ask?

Theology

• What do you believe about…everything?
• Perhaps read through the Desiring God Affirmation of Faith to see where each other is on various biblical doctrines.
• Discover how you form your views. What is the reasoning-believing process? How do you handle the Bible?

Worship and Devotion

• How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?
• How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?
• What is the importance of music in life and worship?
• What are your daily personal devotional practices? Prayer, reading, meditation, memorization.
• What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?
• Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our lives and future, reading the Bible together?

Husband and Wife

• What is the meaning of headship and submission in the Bible and in our marriage?
• What are expectations about situations where one of you might be alone with someone of the opposite sex?
• How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?
• What are the expectations for togetherness?
• What is an ideal non-special evening?
• How do you understand who and how often sex is initiated?
• Who does the checkbook—or are there two?

Children

• If and when, should we have children? Why?
• How many?
• How far apart?
• Would we consider adoption?
• What are the standards of behavior?
• What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before they’re…whatever?
• What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to bed?
• What signs of affection will you show them?
• What about school? Home school? Christian school? Public school?

Lifestyle

• Own a home or not? Why?
• What kind of neighborhood? Why?
• How many cars? New? Used?
• View of money in general. How much to the church?
• How do you make money decisions?
• Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between? Why?

Entertainment

• How much money should we spend on entertainment?
• How often should we eat out? Where?
• What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?
• How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?
• Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?
• What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines be for the kids?

Conflict

• What makes you angry?
• How do you handle your frustration or anger?
• Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?
• What if we disagree both about what should be done, and whether it is serious?
• Will we go to bed angry at each other?
• What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

Work

• Who is the main breadwinner?
• Should the wife work outside the home? Before kids? With kids at home? After kids?
• What are your views of daycare for children?
• What determines where you will locate? Job? Whose job? Church? Family?

Friends

• Is it good to do things with friends but without spouse?
• What will you do if one of you really likes to hang out with so and so and the other doesn’t?

Health and Sickness

• Do you have, or have you had any, sicknesses or physical problems that could affect our relationship? (Allergies, cancer, eating disorders, venereal disease, etc.)
• Do you believe in divine healing and how would prayer relate to medical attention?
• How do you think about exercise and healthy eating?
• Do you have any habits that adversely affect health?

Previously posted as “Topics for Conversation When a Man and a Woman Are Considering Marriage.”

By John Piper. ©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org. Used by permission.